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Suicide preparations
Personally, I have been very miserable all of my life. I have suffered from OCD as long as I can remember. I moved from New York to Florida when I was five years old. It was very traumatic for me. I have tried to commit suicide, but I just ended up in a mental institution. I do see a psychiatrist, but she does not help me. In fact, I only see her for the medication. I am absolutely miserable right now, especially with my job. I decided that I will no longer give any types of hints about suicide because I don't want to end up in a mental institution again. That did nothing to help me. I am going through preparations (getting my house ready, cleaning, trying to pay off bills).
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Call that number for help. I don't use this site often anymore, so it's coincidental that you inboxed me this question just a few short days ago. I hope you have not gone through any preparations as of yet, and that this is simply a cry for help. The weight of the world is heavy, this I know, but there are people who want to help you and want to see you thrive.
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Hey, listen, ending your life is never the answer. I know things can look so miserable and unhappy, but it gets better. Please believe me. There are beautiful things in this corrupt world that are worth seeing. Like going to Europe, and falling in love, and screaming on pyramids. Don't do something that you will regret. Please just talk to someone like me about what's going on instead. You have a purpose on this earth, and you are so valuable in your own way. Please don't commit suicide. I will be there for you.
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You say that you're not giving anymore hints to the fact that you're going to commit suicide, but the fact that you're writing this to me (or in general) IS your hint.
You say your psychiatrist doesn't help. The only thing I can say about that is that she probably isn't the psychiatrist for you. Sometimes it takes a few tries (like with medication) to find the one that works for you. If you're not feeling satisfied with her, discontinue your visits and try seeing someone else.
If you're not happy with your job, QUIT. You don't have to keep working at a place that doesn't make you happy in any sense. I would recommend staying until you find something else, but once you find something that suits you better, then go ahead and leave your current job. If you're not happy with your career choice in general, it's never too late to go back to school and pursue the field that makes you happy. What are you truly passionate about? What's something that you could happily see yourself doing for the next 50 years? I'm not sure how old you are, but I know it's NEVER TOO LATE.
I'm not sure how or why your life has been traumatic, but I can assure you, it always gets better. I used to be in your position. I was in a bad relationship, I hated my job (so much that I would stress myself out to the point of getting sick), and my life was taking a downhill tumble. A few months later, I got dumped. Despite the fact that the relationship was severely toxic, I was still extremely bummed out because I don't believe in giving up on things that can be fixed. I spent the next 6 months depressed and partying. I got to the point where I kept saying "If I see my next birthday, I'll be really surprised."
Not too long after, I met my current boyfriend, had a different job, and I moved out of my parents house. Things began to look up, and things are still going well. In the 6 months after my break-up, I won't lie; suicide crossed my mind and it crossed it often. It crossed it multiple times daily, but I pushed myself to keep going. My previous attempts were unsuccessful, and I knew from previous experience that eventually, things would look up. I kept going and was fortunate enough to meet my boyfriend.
It's been almost 2 years since my break-up with my ex. Without him in my life, I've lost weight, moved to a new town (with my boyfriend), and I have a job interview on Monday. Things have never looked better.
I'm not trying to rub in my success', but I am saying that if you hold on, and try to be more positive, good things will happen. But you have to be open to them, and welcome them. You also have to work for them. They won't just come handed to you on a silver platter. Life doesn't work that way.
I can't change your mind. I can only hope that the things I've said resonate with you, and make you think differently. I really hope that you don't kill yourself. You're capable of so many things, and you won't know what you have the potential to do if you willingly rob yourself of it.
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Hi.
Okay i am going to tell you exactly what i think about your situation. Everyone says not to kill yourself... always thats all people say when you tell them... they say:
"Itll get better" or "Someone DOES care." or something else. The truth is, think about why your wanting to commit suicide.. really think... think about this:
-Do i have a good reason to NOT live? To DIE and never see the sun? Never see my family and friends?? -Is this what i REALLY want? Or am i just hurt and think this is the answer and its not?
-You may think killing yourself will make things better, but thats not always true...
Please consider just... staying on this earth...
***PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU EVER NEED EXTRA PROFFESIONAL HELP AT MY ADVICE EMAIL: madamefrappeadvice@gmail.com
Thank you for your time to ask for help
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I find this to be as much of a statement than a question. I understand mental illness, it runs in my family. Hope is not lost. I cannot tell you anything because you will be the one who ultimately makes the final decision. However, you giving me a statement as such, makes me hurt. I don't want to be the only one, or last one who knows of your suicidal thoughts. I wish I could say something to you, to help you realize you are part of something much larger than life itself. You are the master of your universe and leaving now would only destroy your amazing story. You, as dismal as you may believe your part in this world is, affect more people than you think. Take myself for example. You are personally erectifying this projection of an individual to me, that individual being yourself. I may even speak of your situation to my husband, for support because now you've created a rope between us and I want you to hold on. The world is connected in various ways and as vast and huge as it may seem, the world is truly smaller and more connected than you think. You are important, you've touched more people than you realize and to be grateful even though life has thrown you fast balls that you weren't prepared to hit, it goes on. I won't tell you people have it worse because nobody knows how you feel in this moment. You are truly brilliant, and I know this because through your letter I see you are educated, self aware (which many people lack), hopeful (otherwise you wouldn't have put this out into the world) and there is always hope, in fact, my middle name is actually Hope. Coincidence?
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Hello!
Suicide is a VERY serious topic to talk or to even think about. In my opinion I think you should tell people you trust not just a psychiatrist, or go to a different psychiatrist. Committing suicide is NOT the answer to your problems. The only way to get out of it is to face your problems, now I'm not trying to say reenact what happened at the of five, but get your voice out there, tell someone. I guarantee this will make you feel a lot better. Now I'm not 100% sure if this is the kind of advice you're looking for, because I can't do much over a computer screen, but if you go out there and tell people you trust, they'll make a drastic change for you, because they care about you!
-Swimmer133
sorry if this advice is bad :/
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You need to see a counselor or psychologist. You can tell them about what stresses you out and makes you unhappy. If you don't want to go to an institution don't tell the psychologist you are thinking about committing suicide. That's the worst thing yOu can do and I Suggest you find and do things that make you happy. It could be drawing or a sport or joining a club or volunteering. These will help you get through some of your issues.
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Hi. How are you today?
It's currently snowing rather hard here and I caught myself staring out the window tonight, watching the shower of snow while jammin' to Kid Cudi's latest song called "Love."
One of the hardest aspects of life is finding enough love for ourselves FROM ourselves. I am so sorry to hear how lonely and miserable you are. I wish I could help you. I wish your psychiatrist could help you. I wish there were a way to reach out to you somehow. I just want you to know there are people, even strangers like me, who care. There are people who want to listen to you.
Years ago, I felt the same way because I was brought down by the world's hardships and I felt unable to survive surrounded by negativity. But what I feared worse than death was to be remembered as no one of importance. I had done nothing to make the world a better place; in fact, I had done the opposite and given myself up completely. Right now, you are fighting against yourself to understand that YOU ARE SOMEBODY. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER.
Please talk about your feelings to people who care about you and who CAN and WILL help: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Sometimes, hearing other people's secrets can help us heal. Why don't you check out PostSecret: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Listen to Kid Cudi's song with me: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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i am so sorry to hear what your going through. I too was once suicidal, but have never been in an mental institution, so I can't say Ive felt what you have gone through. My advice, never give up hope. There's a song I listen to when I felt suicidal, and it's helped me many times. It's called get back up by tobymac. I also started hypnosis sessions, and it really does help. Plug in headphones while you sleep, and it really will help you. Just make sure you read the reviews and comments first, 'cause thee are people that may put in bad messages that could do the exact opposite it's meant to do. So make sure people are saying it works for them before you listen. You can listen to them free on YouTube or get an app. If you need someone to talk to there is an app called kindly that random people use of they need to talk to someone or want to help someone. They will give you twenty minutes with a person to text, and you can friend them and move on to someone different. And if you like, you can always go to my column and talk to me. I will read it and help in any way I can. I promiseđź‘Ś
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The reason why you don't need to commit suicide is because there is no forgiveness from God how can God forgive you if u killed yourself he can't.So if you do it there is a possibility of going to hell, I'am not saying you r going there, I can't put you there, but it is possible.Your solution is to pray to God and (cry out to God to fix your situation)that's all you got to say, (God please help me)believe me if you ask him with a sincere heart he will answer and help you. God Bless don't give up.
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I know that a lot of bad things have happened in your life but believe me, ending your life is NOT the solution. It's not up to us when our life ends. I know you may feel hopeless, or helpless, or miserable but trust me ending your life would affect so many people around you. I want you to make a list of the bad things that have happened to you that are weighing you down and write as many solutions as possible to all those problems. Many people that have attempted suicide and have survived said as they were trying to take their life they were thinking about all the ways they could fix their problems. I'm not saying everything is going to be better overnight but trust me Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. Don't lose hope. You're not better off dead, you have a purpose! I believe in you if you feel no one else does! I hope you find peace and the love of God! Don't lose faith please!
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ok, you need to stop thinking this way immediately. i have been there before. although, i haven't thought it out completely. i have just thought that I would be better off dead because i was so miserable. someone who saw that i was down called the police and it made me feel like criminal. no one was empathetic or sympathetic. no one thought that maybe with just some help or making me feel like i mattered, that i would get better. they just made me feel like i was a crazy criminal. people are not always good. so, don't take it personally. have you told the psychiatrist that the medication is not making you feel better? maybe they are not the right ones. not every pill is the same and not everyone responds the same way to different medications. please don't do anything. i am sure that you are a great and wonderful person and you sound like someone that I would really like to have as a friend. you seem so absolutely sweet. please feel free to e-mail me if you feel that you just need someone to talk to. cfern064@fiu.edu
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Think of persons who are less fortunate than you are. At least you can read/write and express your feelings. Suicide is condemned in every religion. Be happy with what you have. Try to join some spiritual organization. Maybe that will help.
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Hi there. Making actual plans for your suicide is a really bad sign that things have gotten out of hand. Really you have to seek some help right now. Counselling/therapy depends on the relationship between you and your psychiatrist more than anything. You don't seem to have a good one? Try another. Some are better than others. And it's completely personal in many cases. And you have to be willing to take on board, think about and implement what you discuss. Medication becomes less effective the longer you're on it. You might need a prescription change. Again that's something to discuss and it's her job to identify things like this and find alternatives that suit you as the condition changes. There are help lines. You can keep your anonymity if you want to. Get a number and keep it with you. And when things look really dark for goodness sake call. A moments weakness is all it can take while you're feeling like this. A long-term solution will take a while to get in place and working. You really do not want to take this risk. You won't feel THIS bad forever, I promise you. It's the lowest point. You'll get through it. Talk to someone here, me if you like? Write down how you're feeling. In as much detail as you wish, doesn't matter if there's pages of it. Swap email addresses if you want it completely confidential. Keep talking and keep people around you. You probably want to be on your own, but that's the last thing you should be doing. There ARE ways back from the place you're in right now. Plenty of ways. There's NO way back from suicide. Talk. To someone.
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Killing yourself isnt going to solve anything first off, lets just start there.
You need more than just a psychiatrist and meds, you need a support system of people around you that want nothing but happiness for you and theres obviously something in your life that you need that your most likely missing. Look inward and ask "what is it that i need and am not getting here?"
Also be aware that some psychotropic meds can make a person MORE depressed and or worse then they were before. They arent full proof so dont think that they can or will cute everything. They are really just a shot in the dark.
Are the people in your life REALLY supportive of you? are you doing things that make you happy and doing them in a healthy way? these are all things that you should consider goals WORTH working on before you decide that suicide is the cure all here.
If moving back to where you lived before would make you happier then do it. If things are this bad then it sounds like that might be the best thing for you if thats what you feel would help.
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I don't see any question in this? I read it several times and all I can draw is that you would like my reflection/opinion about your life? When you say you are "going through preparations," do you mean suicidal preparations?
So weather you were asking for it or not here is my opinion. DEPRESSION/MENTAL ILLNESS IS FUCKING HARD! I'm sorry you're suffering. There is no single fix for any one person, everyone is different. What you are doing now is NOT your solution, you need to keep looking. If your meds are antidepressants, you either need to tell your psychiatrist or find a new one. You should NEVER experience suicidal thoughts on an antidepressant. If you are, THIS IS NOT THE DRUG FOR YOU. You need to tell someone and try a different med. A suicidal thoughts on an anti depressant means you are experiencing a bad reaction to this drug. For one reason or another your body is rejecting it. Bad reactions can be accompanied with all sorts of bad side effects from temporary psychosis to rapid or violent mood swings and weight gain or loss. You need to switch and try something else because what you're doing is not working! If your doctor does not see that, this is not the doctor for you! SERIOUSLY, he/she is not doing their job. Find a new one, and perhaps solicit the help of a therapist who can't prescribe you meds. Therapists tend to be a bit more personable. Just like doctors you have to find one that works for you, but they can be beneficial in ways that doctors/psychiatrists can't for many people. It's very obvious if your therapist is not someone for you. Do you feel like you can actually be honest around them and not receive judgment? If the answer is no, its not the right therapist. A therapist also cannot demand you get institutionalized. They are not a medical doctor. They can help you get institutionalized, IF YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT IT, but they can't prescribe it.
You deserve to know what the good parts of life feel like. I'm sorry our system has failed you this far. It is flawed and imperfect just like us. If you choose to keep searching and not give up, you can help our system get better. If you find your way, maybe all the other people like you, will have an easer time finding theirs? If you can't do it for you, can you do it for them? It sounds like you have nothing to loose and can't get much lower anyway so you might as well try. This is a Ted talk by Andrew Solomon. He talks through the darkest times of his life, much like what your experiencing now, I hope you watch it.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If this speaks to you, search his name on Ted.com, he has more good stuff on there.
This is a combination of speakers that have all been on the roller coaster to Hell with mental illness. This is here so you know, you're not alone.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You seem like a good person, you seem like a thoughtful person. I hope you can experience some reciprocity and belonging in this world. It's a big complicated world and things take time. I hope you choose to keep searching and learning. You're already here anyway, don't you think you might as well try?
I'm sorry your childhood was traumatizing. I'm sorry your job is miserable for you. Life is long, and thats good because growth is a slow and winding process. It's also limitless, you will never stop learning if you foster your interests. May you allow yourself to be interested, my friend :)
Good luck honey, I hope this is what you needed.
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I think you need to give me more specifics about why you are suicidal. There isn't enough information here to determine a way to fix your issues because it can't only be about moving when you were five. FIVE. you were still young. OCD can be a very difficult issue to handle because everywhere you go, you are looking at the nasty things around you and all the things that you want to fix so badly, but do not have the capability of doing. I could tell you i know how you feel or it will get better, but that would be lying. I don't have OCD and i can't just say be patient, it will get better. It will only get better if you want to get better, if you get the necessary help. Nobody wants to see you die. There are so many people out there who care about you and you don't even know it. Killing yourself would be selfish to all those people who care about you, look up to you, who wake up every morning waiting to see you or hear you voice. I know you might think how would i know? but everyone has people who care. Everyone has people that rely on them or would support them no matter what. You are no different than any other person. We all have issues, we all have problems that we want resolved, but you have to fight for it, you have to want to be better for the sake of everyone around you and you have to do want to do it for yourself.
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist/therapist is that psychiatrists prescribe medications. From my personal experience, psychiatrists are quick to diagnose and prescribe but not really care. You should try to find a psychologist or therapist because they will actually listen for an hour and help you way more. They get way more personal. Sorry I am not sure what you mean by going through preparations? Do you mean to commit suicide? I hope not. I have been where you are. I thought I would never stop being depressed. So first definitely look online and look for psychologists/therapists in your area… usually they have profiles and you can see who you think you would connect with. You might have to go to more than one to find one you really like and that gives good advice and that you click with. You know?
Then if you feel stuck because of your job then if you have the qualifications to where you could find something else.. you should make that a goal. I felt worse on antidepressants and like a zombie and I personally stopped taking them years ago. I am not sure if you do not like your job because you do not feel up to doing anything because youre depressed or if your job is making you more depressed. You don't want to keep working somewhere if you feel that stuck and makes your lifr feel hopeless and meaningless. Maybe take a leave of absence or just quit. Find something somewhere where you could use your credentials to do something you feel good about. I know when you're depressed it is hard to feel good about anything.
Definitely find the specialist I talked about before (NOT a psychiatrist!) and if you think your meds are helping you then don't suddenly stop them because you will go through bad withdrawals. I just personally did not feel better on any of the different antidepressants they put me on over a few years (I felt like someone else was saying and doing things in my body but not me when I was on them I mean… if that makes sense) . But some people they do help so that is up to you.
You will find someone to help and a better job! Don't give up! There are people out there that can help ;) And you can message me anytime. Oh and one more thing that really helped me (other than getting out of a bad relationship) was getting my dog. A couple years ago a family was giving her away for free because they didnt want her and were not treating her right and she has been such a gift to my life. She was already potty trained too. Or any pet really. Also if you have any friendships or a relationship with nyone that is putting you down or is verbally abusive or just really negative… you should stay away from that person or thoae people because they are just making it worse and enabling yoir already melancholy feelings. Good luck ..please do not give up!
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Think about this; is killing yourself going to make everything better? I know how you feel. I have OCD as well and I moved from England to America when I was five. It wasn't easy, but I had to think about the positive things in life. A quote I have always used to get me through the day is "the sun will always rise and set no matter what". The quote means that even if you are having a bad day, the world isn't going to stop just for you. You have to keep on going. Besides, if you feel like your in a ditch right now, the only way you can go is up! Honestly, if you kill yourself, you are going to cause more harm to the people that love you than to yourself. Is that really worth it?
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Love, I completely understand where you're coming from with this. Suicide is never the answer, believe me, there are people out there who love you and would miss you. I don't know you personally but I would miss you. If you could, elaborate what your job is? It sounds like it's really stressing you out. I've had my fair share of having therapists who don't help me at all but instead, I found help within people who consider me their friend.
I recently am going through a traumatic period of my life with losing my best friend (she moved to a different school) and it hurt like hell, I keep getting flashbacks of the times we laughed outside of our previous English class whenever I pass by or wherever we used to hang out. And nobody really understands it but me. I was so depressed about it because I felt as if I were losing yet another person I loved/cared/was close to but I am very happy for her, she's going on to achieve what she wants to be.
Life really does get better love. I'm not the best to tell you because I still go through things myself. But you should possibly try to find another therapist or psychiatrist who will actually help you. It's not good to bottle up your depression, believe me, I know from experience.
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Just breathe
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Don't ever think of suicide you don't need to do it think of the people who love you and would miss you think positive . Talk to some churches that might help you with part of bills. If you have kids get them to help clean . Suicide is bad for you. God will help you through it the best way he can. He loves you too and make the right decisions in your life . Make sure you spend time with your kids. Make cleaming fun listening to music while clean you will get done quicker.
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I know how you feel. But there are people that care about you. People who commit suicide don't want to die- they just want the pain to stop. Try different methods. Please don't do it!!! If you feel like you've got someone who cares about you, then I can tell you that I care. Yes you don't know me, but from personal experience I know what you're going through, just don't. It doesn't make the problems go away, it just eliminates the chance of things getting better. Say the day after you plan to kill yourself, the love of your life comes around- do you really want to miss that chance? You obviously have some will to live, otherwise you wouldn't have come on here and would have just done it. I know you don't wanna go back, and you might not- especially if it didn't work. Just. Please. Don't. Do. It.
My friend says this:
I completely understand what you're going though, even though I may not've had the exact same circumstances as you, I too know what it's like to plan your own murder, but don't because even though you may feel as though nobody cares, they do and if you think that killing yourself ends that pain and it's gone forever, you're wrong, it may end /your/ personal suffering, but it just passes it on to someone close to you, and it may be that they are perfectly happy. Now I don't want to bullshit you with things that everyone will say such as 'it gets better!!' But it seriously does, if something In your life is distressing you, making you unhappy and you can and are able to change it, I suggest that you do so because maybe that one thing can help you realise that this world is a beautiful place. Find your art, whether it's physical art (drawing etc) or something such as biological studies, find something that you are good and and preoccupy yourself with it because that is a very important thing to do, the less time you think about your own death, the more you begin to realise that it is not the option. I really hope that this can help you in any way, and if it can't you can always call someone who is there for this specific reason, if you don't know the number for your country or something, it's only a quick internet search away.
And yes, please speak to some one right away, stay strong x
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Dear Suicide preparations,
It's apparent that the anxiety and depression related to your condition has driven you to despair. However, before you take this final and irrevocable act that you're planning, I want you to know that it's not the right solution. There's absolutely no way for you to do it without creating a horrible mess that will devastate those who love and care for you. It's neither an honorable or a courageous act.
While OCD, at present, has no cure, getting substantial relief from OCD is possible with treatments that are available today. Mental hospitals and psychiatrists, no matter how credentialed, are of little help because they may lack the proper training to diagnose and treat OCD. Only a qualified cognitive behavior therapist can provide effective treatment. Before committing to treatment with any therapist, it’s critical to ask questions to help determine if he or she is competent to administer CBT for OCD. The benefits of medication have not been shown to be as great as those of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT in conjunction with medication is the most effective treatment known today.
My advice to you is to postpone your final solution preparation and examine the possibility of finding a more effective solution for your condition. I suggest that you begin by visiting the OCD Resource Center of Florida: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I want you to know that I'll be praying for you daily.
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Without know your age,i really don't know how to give you any advice.You have seen the psychiatrist,and she does not help you.So,the only advice i can give you is, before you suicide yourself think about your family,your parents,all of your friends or people around you who loves you.you are a strong person,you have suffered from OCD ,moved from place to place but you still alive until now.You have face so many things on your life,you can't gave up your life now.
But i have no power to stop you,i only can give you advice.Your choice is in your hand.And i want you to know that there is a lot of people who will miss you.
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Hi,
I understand things must be miserable for u right now. but don't give up life just yet. good things usually follow bad times. please hang in there.
you need to consult a good counselor and need to surround yourself with positive people and your family and friends.
hope everything will turn out fine for you.
I'm sure it will.
will keep you in my prayers.
much love.
you can always write to me,if you need some one to talk to.:) :)
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I understand where you're coming from. Maybe you're just really stressed. I'm here for you and I'll help you with whatever you need. Just message me and I promise that I'll find something to help. If you give me the time, I promise I'll help you. For now, just think about what makes you happy. Go to a calming place and just take a break from the world. Take a nap sometime (when you have time) and just rest. Do what makes you happy and I'm sure you'll forget about the other stuff soon. I promise
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When there is live there is hope. don`t loose hope and kill yourself. i believe you are a winner and winners fight till they win. just keep thing about your success you will soon get there.
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I am not sure what the question is.
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Honestly I'm not sure what your question is. . But I can assure you ending your life is priceless! You have alot going for you. I think that you should try ralking about switching medication. Its supposed to help release your burdens not add to them. I understand what it's like to not want to live anymore, the feeling of being not normal and feeling like no one understands how you feel and that life seems to be very difficult to get through . Im pretty sure your family is only trying to do what they think is best. But please don't end your life. I hope this has helped in some way.
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i really wish you would email me loveworks.cn@gmail.com i want to help you if i could… just every time you get that thought keep in mind how you would make others feel ending things that way.. its selfish and if you believe in god its the worst way to handle things.. you are strong and i know you can over come these thoughts… you have much to live for even if you feel worthless soo many people will be hurt and disappointed in the end… please keep your head on straight and really thing these things through
honestly take great care you are a gift to this earth…
its all about overcoming and self control.. only you could make things right but again i would love to continue to chat with you
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I know that being suicidal and having OCD can be a double whammy - you can't stop thinking about suicide, even if you don't want to think about it, so you feel even worse. The key, I've found, is to break the cycle. This is where mindfulness comes into play. Mindfulness involves considering your actions before acting, and thinking about whether you should go through with them or not. If you catch yourself going into a downward spiral of self-loathing or suicidal ideation, you have to recognize it and interrupt your thinking pattern.
You can achieve this in lots of different ways. Exercise is one that has been highly suggested to me; really intense exercise doesn't leave much energy for thinking. Do something that involves thinking, that doesn't let you zone out: bake a cake, go out with a friend, do jumping jacks. In a very worst case scenario, I was taught by a past occupational therapist of mine that sticking your head in a bucket of cold water for a few seconds can really help. It sounds weird, but the shock of cold water and the forced breathing control that comes from being underwater can help to disrupt patterned thinking. Any good therapist should be very familiar with mindfulness training and should have some recommendations for you.
If things aren't working with your therapist, you should let her know. It can be awkward, but there's no point in continuing to go if the work you're doing now isn't helping. It may even be time to check out a different therapist. Different therapists use different techniques, so it's not a one size fits all thing.
I know that even when things are going well it can be hard not to deal with suicidal thoughts. Life can be lived with mental illness, and it can be lived well. I strongly suggest that you form a good support system. That can include relatives, friends or even peer support online. Other people (myself included) have been through things like you're going through. It is possible to keep going and to enjoy life despite our differences.
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First off, I too have OCD. In fact, the last few days have been particularly tough for me. So while no person can ever say they know exactly what you are going through, please know that I can at least relate in some way.
You have probably heard this before and may even be tired of hearing it but suicide is not the answer. Whether you feel like it or not, I am quite certain that taking that route would devastate a lot of people like friends and family. And based on the fact that you are hear sharing this information, I strongly believe that you are searching for another option.
My first recommendation would be to look into getting another doctor. I had the same issue with one that was basically just a pill dispensary. A good one can really make a difference. You might also want to look into joining either a local or online support group. I belong to one called "David's Drop-In & Participant Led OCD Support" through Google+. It has been great for me and I think it could benefit you as well.
Learn to meditate and try to find a way to channel your struggles in a productive and healthy way. One good option is to do something creative or artistic. It doesn't matter if you are good at it, just that you use it as a tool to work through the rough times.
I try to do it with poetry and photography.
You've made it this far in life, don't let OCD take you down how. Don't give up, you can beat this.
Here are a few more resources that you may find helpful:
The Book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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A lot of people suffer from OCD, myself included. I believe there is probably a lot more going on with you than just the OCD. Am I right? You are obviously NOT on the right meds. It could even be that the meds are playing a part in these suicidal thoughts. It is certainly understandable that you don't want to be institutionalized again! You need to switch doctors ASAP and explain that you may be having a bad reaction to your meds. Please follow up on this before you do anything rash. Call a hotline, go to the ER or whatever it takes but suicide only passes the pain on to your family. I can relate far more than you might believe to your situation. Who knows maybe that is why fate put this in my mailbox! If you want to talk to me some more feel free to message again. I don't really believe you want to die or I wouldn't be reading this. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. It ISN"T your fault!
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