Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
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why is your eldest sister feels like shes the alpha in the family? (link)
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Probably because the elder feels envious of all the attention the new arrival receives as a baby. A new baby does actually need far more attention than the older child, but that isn't how the other child usually perceives it. It's more usually a feeling like 'now there's a new baby in the house I don't matter anymore.' Now it's a good parenting policy to make the elder child feel involved. Part of the adult 'care and support team' for the new baby. Help with feeding, changing and so on. But it also contributes to feelings of being the 'boss' of the younger one, and these feelings can continue long after the younger family member stops being an infant.
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28/f
32/m
Has anyone ever expected you to “be fine” after your loss?
I feel like my boyfriend expects me to be that way. For example, I lost my job because of Covid, my dad passed away, then I moved out and was nomading for a bit, lived with my toxic mom sleeping on an air mattress for another month, found out that my dog is 75% blind and is dying of old age, and moved into a new place again just three weeks ago. All of this happened within a six month period.
My boyfriend was there for me for all of these things. As a matter of fact he came into my life three months before I lost my job. So he came into my life at a very strange time. And now that I’m just now starting to get back on my feet and started my new job two weeks ago, I had a meltdown because I started grieving about my dad.
He then told me that he felt like we’re not compatible because of our “personalities” and that he “was patient and understanding because he knew I was going through a lot and was having a hard time, but it feels like it’s still continuing.” He told me he lost his best friend and was fine after a few months and I told him it’s different you lose the parent closest to you.
How do I even respond to this? (link)
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Much in the same vein as DrStephanie, I believe the best way for you to process this rather rapid sequence of significant traumas is via professional guidance and help. We cannot rely on truly objective advice or useful assistance from those we are close to. There is always an element which is more or less subjective. Your boyfriend clearly lacks the level of commitment required to stand beside you. Even if he had done, he cannot ultimately 'handle it' for you. It would have been nice to have had some support in this troubled period though. Anecdotal evidence of the 'my friend had this and he did that and he was fine' nature is of no help whatsoever. His reasons for wanting out of the relationship ring rather hollow to my ears, and are hardly concealing the more likely driver, namely 'you are too high maintennance mentally and emotinally for me to deal with, and I'm not even going to try'. And in fact we usually see such levels of commitment in couples who have already invested a great deal in each other. Many years of their lives, shared mortgage on a home, children yet to reach majority age etc. This is all about you. Be selfish. Take whatever help you can get from those best qualified to provide it. What you need is a pathway out. That pathway will be unique to yourself. The strength and resolve to follow it can only come from inside yourself. Professional helpers more or less help you realise what that path looks like, and fix you up with a map and a compass. Essential for the journey, but you've got to do the leg-work yourself.
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I'm 15 and a sophomore in high school, and this whole time, I felt like the pandemic never really affected me this entire time, but recently I saw a video and in that video a Chinese woman, like me, was saying how she was actually really depressed in high school and never realized, and it made me think. After a few months of the pandemic, I think, is when it really started. I never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but I don't want to go to sleep at night. I stay up really late because I don't want to wake up the next day. I don't want to play tennis or practice the piano or hang out with my best friend. I didn't really keep in contact with any of my school friends except for my best friend who lives down the street. She sometimes drags me out for walks and I enjoy them when I'm on them, but I never want to go. I spend pretty much all day in my room telling my parents that I have a ton of schoolwork, which I have a lot of, but not that much. They don't notice anyways. But I don't want to study or do homework, and even though I've never really like school, I've never had a problem forcing myself to do the work and study before because it mattered to me. I think my grades still matter to me, and on some level, I realize that my future is important, but I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I thought it was just procrastination, but when I think about what will happen if I don't keep my grades up, I don't feel much of anything like I used to. I've always fought with my mom a lot and we never see eye to eye, and my relationship with my brother isn't all that good, but it feels like the slightest thing they do annoys me. Even my tennis coach and my dad have begun to bother me, and I've always been close to them. I'm not failing any classes, but I've been struggling in Algebra II Honors and my teacher recommended me for a lower level next year but I still don't feel anything! I'm disappointed, but if it was a few years ago or heck, even last year, I would have been crushed. I cried from failing one test last year, and I don't feel anything now about a couple of failed tests or low grades, just a passing though of oh, I'll make it up next time. And wow, writing it all out makes it sound really serious but here's the thing. I don't FEEL depressed. My dad still makes me laugh. I still enjoy the little amount of time I spend with my best friend. I still enjoy reading and watching my favorite shows. I enjoy tennis although I can never make myself feel excited to go. I've always hated piano even though I've been taking it for 11 years now, so that's not anything new. I'm also fairly sure that my period is starting soon, so this might just be a huge hormone-induced, emotional rant, but I honestly have no idea. Am I actually depressed? I know I'm not suicidal- I hate pain and I'm kind of terrified of it, actually, but am I right in thinking suicidal and depressed are two separate issues? I feel like I'm overreacting. My parents would probably tell me I'm overreacting. But we've been doing all this stuff about racism against Asians and the pressure that's put on them and I just wanted a second opinion. Whoever reads this and responds, thanks for taking the time out of your day to help some stranger who might not even know what she's talking about. (link)
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Hi there! There are many reasons why the pandemic and associated restrictions on freedoms we have all taken for granted are very psychologically damaging. We are social creatures. We thrive and feed off interaction with other humans. Education in youth is in many ways the key to our future prospects and there is now a whole bunch who have undoubtedly been disadvantage. They, meaning you, will really have to go that extra mile to catch up. And the last thing we feel up to is making extra effort, right? We all feel futile in the face of a global pandemic. We concentrate on keeping hold of the things we have, not much ambitions and aspirations. Our economies are still reeling. They will take time to recover and return to their pre-covid levels. We are also living in close proximity to, basically, death. This virus has stolen life itself from many, many people. It's the trauma soldiers on a battlefield of war face. And what astronauts face. Everything 'outside the capsule' is a threat at best, at worst fatal. We cannot blank the threats out. They are real. We need to be constantly aware of them and mitigate and mangae them as much as we can. But at the same time not obsess on them to the point where we cannot function. This is all massively psychologically damaging. No living generation has been through anything like this. There are no rules. No precedents. About the fairest thing to say is that in these days "It's OK not to be OK." The pandemic has, of course not created all the insecurities and uncertainties we all face as part of a normal life. Bet even those which it has not directly created, it has amplified, accelerated and brought into sharper focus. It's been tough.It isn't all over yet. Try to stay on your game. Hold out a while longer. Don't let it win. Vaccines are here now. They are the game changer. We're starting to come out of the dark. Our economies will bounce back. The stored but unused potential is there, awaiting it's chance to surge back to life. So are your mental and physical faculties. The drive, the ambitions, the need for direction, meaning, the interaction of relationships. They're stored-up in you. They are on hold. They are perhaps in a sort of coma? But they are surely not dead. You'll get there. Our 'race' will get there. That's the human race.
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How do I stop going after emotionally unavailable men? They're huge babies, have commitment issues, cowards, do not know how to be themselves or hold a conversation.
I have a terrible habit and I keep hurting myself. Also, I attract creeps- why is that? I attract guys who I am never interested in.
Help! hahaha (link)
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Quite often this pattern of behaviour stems from a low self-esteem. Which may or may not be acknowledged. The person 'chooses' (perhaps not conciously, as we mentioned) relationships that are virtually certain to crash and burn, often as a way of re-affirming that low self-esteem issue. A sort of 'proof' that they don't really deserve a good, sound relationship. The guys with potential are dismissed (again, often subconciously) for the same reason. And pursue more self-destructive relationships, making a 'vicious circle'. I am not professing this is the one and only reason, but it is a very common one. Perhaps take a look at yourself? Get a handle on your level of self-esteem. There are many authentic and accredited websites where you can do this, usually with a kind of checklist of other behavioural traits. Just like the way a doctor will use questions to initially assess depression, anxiety and so on. If you think you have, try to rebuild it. Many people have this issue at times in their life and rebuild theirs. And it is not a condition requiring meds and/or therapy. It is more of a mindset, not a psychiatric disorder. The key is to get back to the place where you feel you deserve a satisfying and successful relationship. Where you are valued and respected in full. And I am sure you do deserve all this, and more. Low self-esteem will hold a person back in many ways. Not just relationships. Often without them realising why or how.
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I am a home health aide and I recently started working with a new family. There is another aide that works there and she's been there for 3 years. I noticed that the family told me to wear my mask, but they didn't ask her to. Now, I know that she's been there longer than me, but I really don't get the logic of that. Doesn't she have to go home to her family everyday as well, and then expose this family to whoever she's been around? I mean, she doesn't live there. I have no problem wearing my mask, but I'm just confused about why she doesn't have to. Am I wrong to think this way? It's been two weeks and I'm still wearing my mask while she is not. Thanks for the advice (link)
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It is a really good idea to insist that everyone wears a mask when you are indoors together, especially when your work means a 2 metre distance cannot be observed. If we take the case where one person is covid-positive and shedding and not wearing a mask then anything more than 15 minutes togetehr virtually guarantees any uniinfected person will contract the virus, unless they have had it and have antibodies. Where the infected person is masked, this reduces the probability, since masks will block much of their exhaled moisture which contains the virus. We have seen this in every hospital, pre-covid. The surgeons are masked not to protect themselves but to keep the patient's open body from bacterial or viral infection. This is how IIR and KN59 surgical masks work. Back to our scenario, if infected and uninfected alike all wear masks the likelihood of spreading the virus is very greatly reduced. The uninfected person alone wearing a mask should NOT be taken as a wildcard, making the wearer safe in any environment. Surgical masks were never really meant to work like this, as we have discussed. And fabric 'face coverings' certainly do not. This is the 'false sense of security' you may have heard mentioned regarding face masks. We all have to wear them if they are going to protect us. I would consider making this an essential requirement, or you refuse to work. You are what we call a 'front-line worker' in the UK. Stay safe.
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I tried to delete my Covid-19 question but it didn't let me after it was posted. I noticed that it came across as me being entitled when it's the opposite and not the vibe I was trying to project. I know full well that there are tremendous risks for the other 4 people I live with. I'm not the only person who goes to Wal-Mart or does the shopping. All of them go at once despite the risks.
I'm not allowed to go anywhere but the variety store and around the block. We live a few streets away from all the restaurants and stores so my folks don't want me out walking. I don't bike either. I also assume every person on the street is stupid when it comes to Covid-19.
I'm relieved that masks are now mandatory here in all public spaces and walking on a sidewalk. You'll get a $1,000 fine provided an enforcement person sees you if your face isn't covered.
I'm also the kind of guy who will tell people to get out of my space if I feel they're too close in a store or walking too near. I also have sent back pizza and other food items that were not delivered contact less. If there's anyone paranoid about health and that of other people around me it's this guy.
The point I didn't make well in my first question of which I couldn't delete was that this isn't an issue of stir-crazy feelings everyone else has. I have a form of depression where I'm either happy or deeply depressed and it's either one or the other. I've been stable for 2 decades. Where I get in trouble is if it cycles from one to the other or stays in depression for considerable time.
Worse is the manic energy that just doesn't go away unless channeled into some activity or I'm constantly active at doing something anything.
To me being able to go out serves a purpose. I have filled my time as I said before with movies, concerts, theater, comedy clubs and attractions as an outlet to feel better. I don't have access right now to human interaction, support, or normal routine.
This is why I pointed out what's the difference between one place deemed safe versus another. Anyway, I'm occupying time with drawing and caring for a new animal friend. Maybe that will help.
I just wanted you to see that I am putting people first and have from the start but things haven't gone both ways but we know the reason why.
it's frustrating that nobody here believes anything the government says or does with rendering places safe. My family thinks Canada will turn into the U.S. with all the problems they have with Covid the second places open up.
We've opened up in 4 stages over a period of 5 months. It's frustrating. If you have any more advice that's great. It's fine by me to delete the previous question unless you think it's helping others. (link)
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Hi there! See what you mean. Cycling between the manic-euphoric to manic-depressed states is tough, and tiring, physically and emotionally. And there are surely no shortage of triggers in a global pandemic. As you say, occupying your mind, especially in creative projects is always good, so keep on. In some ways the lock-downs have given many of us (health workers NOT included!) a time to stop and reflect. Assess our priorities. And in some cases engage in projects and pursuits we may have not found the time for. Or never even considered. I recall an article from one of the space station guys, comparing the lock-down to months on the station. We spend all our time with the same few faces. Conflicts have to be avoided, but addressed immediately if they occur. Never left brewing. Everything outside the capsule is a life threatening. Living in close proximity to death is crushing psychologically. He said we must know the risks, understand the risks and mitigate them where possible. Not blank them. But not obsess on them either. We occupy ourselves with the daily routines of living and the work we are there to do. He also stressed the importance of always having an agenda for the next day as you turn-in to bed. Something to get up and get motivated for. At best, try and have at least one thing you enjoy in that agenda. Or at least something that is meaningful and has a definite objective. I thought this man's (can't remember his name sadly!) observations were acute and so pertinent. Clearly this is impacting on you more than many, as you were not brilliantly placed before it started. It is going to amplify a known issue. Handling it is ok when things are normal, but now they're all over the map, eh? It's fair to say that so far in 2020 it's ok to not be ok, so don't beat yourself up. We're coping. Just about! In my opinion Canada is not that likely to follow the US. Firstly, the population-density is on your side. Remember, this virus cannot move under it's own power and human contact is it's primary transmission path. Handling items and street furniture will not infect you, even if a high load has been coughed onto it, providing you do not transfer it to your mouth, nose or eyes by touching your face until your hands have been thoroughly washed, or you have discarded gloves. It won't find it's own way into your body. It's a risk, but a risk we can control. What's the first law of everything? Control the control-ables! Secondly, there never seemed to be any central government strategy enforced. States in the US seemed free to choose their own levels of lock-down. Central policy, where it was visible, certainly seemed to be to play down the health significance, and to protect the economy. Keep America open for business. I think Trump's handling of it spoke more about Trump than the virus, don't you? He had to be out-front, centre-stage from day one. A business-man (and a successful one) heading-up the United States, but he's no great statesman! Best wishes to you and yours. Until a vaccine arrives we have to live with this virus as best we can. And your best has kept you good so far mate!
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I live in a house with an 85-year-old who had cancer surgery in March and a 64-year-old mother, a brother in his 30's and a small child. I have been very careful to wear a mask and gloves and obey for the past 5 months every health stipulation to do with Covid-19.
Not to get political because the disease is not a political thing but in the U.S. they've rushed things in some states and the president hasn't helped by denying the existance of it at first and not trusting the experts like Fauci.
One of the things that has led to surge of cases is reopening bars, night clubs and virtually every other business you can think of in some areas. Doing so has resulted in spike of cases and some deaths.
Meanwhile, I live in Canada where they've closed the border and until recently you couldn't even gather with more than 5 people at a time. What has happened here is that there's 4 stages of reopening. We just entered Stage 3 which allows nearly all attractions, movie theaters and bars to reopen.
I have ZERO interest in bars, nightclubs, performance venues, indoor restaurant dining or any establishment that could be a breading ground for the disease.
I would just like to go downtown to the aquarium or even to the park, a museum or anything having been holed up here for 5 months with the same people.
My mother refuses to let me go anywhere but Wal-Mart or the corner store and always asks me where I'm going or if I want to kill my father and everyone else in the house by dragging Covid-19 in. It's an enormous guilt trip and I would like to have my freedom back. I get that she's paranoid and the reason for it and that she thinks things will end up like America. We've taken months to reach where we are and health experts have got us here.
I'm not trying to be selfish but I think if health experts have required businesses and attractions to submit a proposal for opening and are adhering to strict rules that it's not an issue to visit these places if you have a mask, gloves and are being bloody careful.
The only indoor venue I would want to go to that is iffy is a movie theater but not until I knew nobody who went to one here became ill. They have limited occupancy to 50 people per screen and blocked off seats and entire sections in the theaters and it's all reserved. You have to wear mask and gloves the entire time you are there.
I'm hoping you will have ideas on what I can do to get her to see that while nothing is 100% safe that this is as good as it gets and public health can shut businesses down for non-compliance with rules.
She also doesn't want me to go to parks for exercise or large ones downtown with a zoo or take public transit anywhere. I can understand the transit part but being outdoors is important.
I'm more concerned for my own mental health than anything else because these are the only 5 people I have interacted with other than my aunt for months and have been holed up in my room otherwise. I need to get out of this place.
Before Covid-19 I was going to theater, comedy clubs, major attractions and movies. It was incredibly difficult for me when that ceased and I had to find other outlets and things to do from home. You can't stay sheltered in one place for too long. (link)
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Hi there! The lockdown restrictions have taken a heavy toll on all of us. Socially and psychologically, even if we have (like you) avoided the virus itself. You clearly share a household with one extremely vulnerable person, and one who would be advised to shield due to age.
There are, I agree, conflicting statements from medical experts and governments. The only worthwhile advise in my opinion, as lockdown measures are relaxed, is that perhaps we relax our own 'measures' only as far as we feel comfortable with ourselves? Parks I believe pose little risk, as it is usually easy to distance oneself, and transmission in the open air is much reduced. Masks are useful only if everybody wears one. If we take the case of a carrier and a person not infected, if neither wear masks then the probability of transmission is around 70% if you are close for more than a very brief spell. Carrier masked, it drops to around 35% chance. If both are masked then it will be only a 3-4% chance. But a mask will not surely protect an uninfected wearer if the people around are not wearing them. So, choose your locations carefully and assess their 'safety' on this. I know exactly where you are standing. I elected to care for my mother, who is 90 and has a condition which makes her extremely vulnerable. It has been absolute hell on earth at times. As you say, the measures cannot stay in place forever. As infection rates in the community fall we are less likely to get the virus purely because the chance of coming near an infected person becomes much smaller. Let's try to mitigate risks. Public transport will always be a high-risk I'm afraid. Avoid it if you can. Parks, and the zoo would be fine. As far as indoor venues, I'll admit I am scared of them. I loved bars, and clubs and restaurants but haven't visited any since the middle of March. Compliance only works if everyone complies, and an establishment being closed retrospectively for non-compliance will not help the people who were involved. Perhaps the best way of getting some freedom is to reason it out with them. The virus is not going to get bored and go away. It is present in our communities. Risk is a part of life, we can never eliminate it entirely but we can mitigate risk and manage it. Point out that the only places you intend to visit are environments where you can manage risk. There will not be a light-bulb moment where everything is safe again and you need to get some restorative activities. It's been hard for YOU too. It is difficult to talk someone out of a mindset such as your mother appears to have. Fears like this live in a part of our brain we can have no dialogue with. These can only be overcome by repeated positive affirmation. Meaning that every time you go out and nothing bad happens it will 'post a positive' to your mum. After a while the weight of all the positives will 'searchlight out' the fear. We need a plan, right? Start with some very modest excursions, for exercise for example. Make a show of donning your protective gear. And a similar ritual of removing it and hand-washing etc when you return. The 'corner-shop' is possibly a good bit of leverage. Point out that lots of your neighbours go. The shopkeeper has been there right through the virus. He (or she) doesn't want to get sick either. And we would know if they did, wouldn't we? Hope I have given you a few ideas. You mention the US. There's an example of perhaps taking the brakes off to soon. And yet, a world leader cannot watch his country sink into the abyss of economic collapse. I would not want to be a Trump, or our own (I'm in the UK) Boris Johnson and have to make such decisions, would you? In the UK a figure known as 'excess deaths' looks a sign that we have regained some control. Naturally, many people will die in any month, and we have a rolling five-year average figure. At the peak, UK deaths were hugely higher than the average. Now they are around what they would normally be, for say, any June, July, into August. July actually appears lower. Maybe all the distancing measures have cut down the flu and other respiratory virus which often also take a big toll on the elderly? Hang in, start trying to gain some little victories in terms of outdoor excursions to put out those positives. But don't go crazy all at once! You (and I) have in effect invested a lot in protecting our vulnerable relatives. We don't want to screw it all up in a thoughtless episode just to make a point now! I'm afraid imposing lockdown was relatively easy. But we knew there was never a tried-and-tested exit strategy as we were doing it. Let's both look forward to that 'new normal' eh? It wnn't be the old normal. The old normal was the problem. Best wishes, sincerely.
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I'm 27/f and I've read and heard that women don't think about sex or masturbate as often as men, but I think I do. I masturbate at least once daily, sometimes as much as 4 times. I fantasize often and sex is usually somewhere close in my mind's eye. I feel like my libido is in overdrive. My boyfriend has been depressed for a while and we usually only do it maybe twice a week, sometimes 3 times. Sometimes only once. But I know that's not either of our faults. I guess my question is, are there other girls like me who think they are a nympho? Sex isn't like a compulsive thing for me, though, I'm just constantly thinking about it. (link)
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Hope you don't object to a male reply? There is that belief that masturbating is something we do as a substitute for sex isn't there? However, plenty of women enjoy masturbating even if they are entirely happy with the frequency, and satisfaction they obtain from having sex with their partner. There's really no such thing as 'too much'. It is for you, and up to your how often. Sexual thoughts cross the minds of us all very frequently. It is not symptomatic of anything and perfectly normal. Sex addiction is generally characterized by people indulging in numerous, short-lived largely self-destructive 'relationships'. The cause is not the body 'needing sex' but tied in with the need for gratification and attention. An attempt to build feelings of self-worth which actually lowers self-esteem. The need for reassurance goes up, leading to further attempts to seek reassurance, which lowers self-esteem...and so on, in a vicious circle. Now this does not sound like you, from what you have written. I can appreciate that perhaps your sex-life isn't quite as 'busy' as you might wish at present? Hopefully you'll both address this issue. Depression has to be managed for many reasons, not just the effect on ones libido. You are, as you say not compelled to sex, and your relationship is not suffering too badly. I would suggest you masturbate as frequently as you wish. Mental fantasy imagery is fine and usual in women. Men often prefer visual imagery (porn, in a word!), that's just a difference in 'wiring' of male/female brains. In short, I would not try to think less about sex, but definitely think less (and hence worry less) about how often you think about sex. If you see what I mean? Are you the only girl who has had this uncomfortably feeling that they may be a potential nymphomaniac at some point in their lives? Most certainly NOT!
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Hi I don’t know so much about my desire to be under 90 lbs for the remainder of my life and I’m concerned I might be anorexic or worse and wanted to seek your advice on what could I possibly be facing. (link)
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Hi there! 90 pounds is not really much to go on, as it depends on your height, general frame and to some extent age. You can easily find a page on the net which will let you type in some figures and get what's called a Body Mass Index figure. And it will tell you if this is within accepted limits. Anorexia nervosa stems from having a problem with your own perceived body image. Those even in acute stages, and dangerously underweight will still see themselves as fat. Clearly this is a big problem. Further to this, some will engage with a constant series of binge eating (giving a satisfying 'full' feeling in the stomach) and then make themselves vomit. Another serious condition, of course. So, is the 90lb target realistic? Is this a good, healthy weight for your build? We all (in normal states of mind) like to look and feel fit and in good condition. If so, fine. You are obviously in a position where you are aware of things like anorexia, and that's a great sign. As anorexics will usually deny to themselves they are, or they have a problem. It is a psychological condition after all. There are physical conditions which lead to weight loss. If you are eating plenty and losing weight involuntarily then it's time to speak to your doctor. A good place to start might be to consult friends. Do they remark on you being 'really skinny' or sentiments to that effect? Maybe ask them directly? How do you feel about yourself? Mostly positive, or negative? Is your self-esteem in good order? A good indication of low self-esteem is finding yourself continually trying to please others, even when it means sacrificing your own projects and plans when it really isn't convenient at all. Now, if that BMI figure is low, and your friends/relatives etc think you are looking uncomfortably thin, and YOU are seeing a fat person in the mirror, obsessed with losing weight this should set some alarm bells ringing and you should visit your doctor. If you are eating and then making yourself sick that's definitely a wake-up call, as really that's not normal human behavior at all, is it? Hope my reply helps.
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I am love someone,and I am12 year older than her can our relationship workout???? (link)
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Age differences are very much relative. To take an example, a child of twelve will have very little in common with a 24 year old adult. And it would be a very odd world if they did. A child of twelve with the mind of an adult, and vice versa! But what about 20 and 32? The two will likely share a similar set of life experiences, have similar values etc. By the time we get to 30 and 42 the playing field is even more level. Where age differences are very great (and I do not consider 12 years very great) there can well be issues that will take considerable effort to work around. Any children would have a one unusually old parent. And we could easily envisage a scenario where one is still relatively young, pushing their partner around in a wheelchair. This hardly likely to feature in their expectations of a relationship. Of course, none of have a crystal ball and can predict which relationships 'work out' and which do not. But personally I would not advise you dismiss one based on a 12 year age difference. Providing you are both adults at the moment of course.
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Hello,
Do you have any experience dealing with narcissistic parents? I find myself needing to talk to someone who has been through this.
If not then thanks for your time!
(link)
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I am afraid I do not have any experience of this. I may be able to make a few remarks which I hope will help. Narcissism is more a spectrum than a fixed point. At normal levels it is just that. Normal and healthy. We should have a positive self-image and normal levels of self-esteem. Obviously, like most things it can go to extremes. It would be good to determine just how narcissistic are your parents. Do you notice that they are and you find it annoying? Or does it impact directly on you? Do they, for instance lack any sort of empathy towards you and your life issues? Possibly don't even seem concerned about you in the slightest at times? I do not know your age, but it is worth considering that the characteristics of narcissism will impact on you less and less as you get older, and become less dependent on parental consent, approval and approbation etc. It can be a very tricky thing to address, mostly because they will almost certainly not feel they have any issue to address!
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I am from india. I am a student preparing for competitive exam and i study but most of time i don't have motivation and i waste my time. (link)
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I think the best way to motivate oneself while in education is to put the thing into perspective. Nothing is guaranteed in life, however it is fair to say that your academic achievements are likely to have a big influence on your future career. Agreed? So now think of the amount of time your entire period of academic studies occupies in relation to the rest of your working life? It isn't that much in comparison, is it? Hardly any time at all in fact. So we could say that a relatively brief period of focus, commitment and effort right now will bring big benefits, and over a much longer period too? Top careers pay bigger salaries. Bigger salaries mean a better standard of living. And more fun. Purely because we can bankroll it. Now that's a good enough reason to go all-in right now, isn't it? No messing. No compromise. Grab yourself those grades and get yourself a big piece of the pie! Fundamentally, we are talking about the concept of 'delayed gratification'. Some people process this concept better than others. Young children very rarely manage it, in fact. It's something we learn to do. Scheduling becomes easier when we accept that this is indeed going to occupy a good deal of your time. Commitment becomes easier when we acknowledge that we need to commit resources to this in order to get results. Distractions decrease when we have got our eyes on a bigger prize. OK. Life isn't always the proverbial 'level playing field'. And in some aspects, at some times, we can play a perfect game and still lose. But in education, that playing field really is level. The more you put in, the more you'll get out. Guaranteed! It's not a contest at all. Your grade A doesn't come at the expense of your colleague's grade C. You could both get grade A's, couldn't you? So get down to it. Stay focused, keep your eyes on the prize, look at the bigger picture.
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I didn't go to college and have two young children. I currently work in a factory 2nd shift and hate every day of my life. I also have sales experience. I currently dont have the time to go back to college and wont for 3 to 4 years. However I cant seem to get promoted even though I have sales, prospecting, and interpersonal Communication skills. It's also frustrating due to the fact I can explain Quantum computing/Entanglement, AI, political science, differentiating factors involved in solar, vapor, hydro, wind, fusion, fussion energies, have an in depth knowledge of history, finance, and general business. I spend hours studying just because I love to learn and challenge myself but I cant move forward in any job. How can I overcome this? (link)
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Hi there! Is the question specifically related to your current job? If so, the reason you are failing to move ahead may simply be that the company you work for does not have an effective and established pathway for promotion, or maybe no pathway at all. Some companies do not. Is your manager, for example, someone who has worked their way 'up through the ranks' within the company? Or when a management position arises, do they recruit from outside? (Basically 'buy in' someone with management experience). Have colleagues progressed or are they doing basically the same jobs they were hired to do? There are many examples of 'glass ceilings' in industry. The jump from shopfloor to management, or to senior management for example. Have a look at your company and see if there is a clear pathway. If so, put in for promotions, (sideways moves too, if one will put you in a better position later) and absolutely don't give up the whole issue if you get passed by. Just keep putting them in! They will all be noted, you are showing ambition and motivation. All bosses like this, and your time will very likely come. Always be reliable, and so don't promise stuff you know you can't deliver. It's tempting to 'yes boss, I'm on it boss' all the time but if you cannot deliver you'll just get a reputation as being unreliable. If there's a rule to the game at all, it must be 'unreliable people NEVER get promoted'! If your company is one of those with no pathway to promotion, start getting your cv out there and look for another. When you get interviews and are (inevitably) asked 'anything more you would like to know about the job?' etc don't say 'no'. Get right back at them with stuff about promotion prospects. You're saying 'I want to go as far as I can, and I'm prepared to commit and work hard to do it'. He, or she will like that a lot. And you can use their response to assess their promotion structure for yourself. It's a two way thing. They may offer the job, but does it fit YOUR long term plan? You do indeed sound informed, educated and self-motivated. The personal profile part of your cv is your friend. 'I love to learn and challenge myself' would make me stop and look deeper if I was recruiting. Good luck, and I hope you might find something useful in my reply.
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Thank you for reading my question.
I am just confused and will like some help on gender identity. Here we go….
I have been assigned the gender of a girl, but I don't always feel that way. Before you start to think "Transgender?", let me get to a point.
For example, one day I feel feminine. I look in the mirror and I absolutely love my body. But the next day I look in the mirror and I hate it so much. (Wait, I'm not done yet.) Then the day after that, I look in the mirror and I don't really care. As in, I don't feel feminine or even masculine. That was just an example. Each feeling could last a few days at the most.
Sometimes, and this just makes it more confusing, I want to wear makeup while wearing a tomboy outfit. Or even the other way around. I want to wear a dress, but no makeup.
This might seem like normal, but I am just very confused on my gender. I think I have one, but sometimes I feel like I don't. But I know that I'm not agender. Please help me.
Thank you so very much. (link)
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Hi there! I think it is fair to say that the whole 'transgender' subject is far better understood and more openly discussed in present times than it has ever been. In many ways this is a great thing. It means people will not feel intimidated and be forced to live miserable lives, fearing the condemnation and even hostility of a society which will not or cannot 'get' what they're about. But also of course, there can be an strong element of all this information and general 'chatter' making us dwell and ponder on things a little too much? Perhaps, in the way we may read a dictionary of symptoms of medical conditions and can quite easily convince ourselves that we have any number of them! From what you say, I do not feel that you have a serious gender-identity crisis going on here. Some days you want to celebrate your femininity in all it's aspects and display it in your choice of outfits, make-up etc and equally 'wear' a feminine attitude and outlook? Other days, you don't and a bit of a 'tomboy' faces you in the mirror and your attitudes are less traditionally glamorous and girlish? And again, some days you don't really acknowledge and/or embrace either in particular. You are just 'you'. Basically just living your life, pursuing your projects, simply doing all the things living entails. Many activities are indeed no way gender-specific. We get-up, dress, eat, go shopping for food, wash ourselves and our clothes, and so on and so on. We work, and often our work is not exclusively male or female either. I feel perhaps that 'hate' is coming across as a rather strong term relating to your body however? I imagine that many people feel they would change some aspects of their appearance occasionally if it were easily possible. There is a lot of pressure on us to have 'perfection' and perhaps we have to look at social media as a major player here? We post 'edited highlights' of our lives and those viewing sometimes feel in some way inadequate? That we are not living anywhere near such a fulfilling life or having anywhere near so much fun! Keep the fact that these are edited and retouched. Just like the way the model in a photo shoot is not always dressed in brand new designer clothes, perfectly lit and fresh from the attention of a professional make-up artist and stylist! If there are things about your body that you feel are in need of a change, that they would give you a better self-image (and thus greater self-confidence, which is ALWAYS a great thing to have), and they are changeable then just do it. Why not? It's your body, your life. Make sure it really is 'you' that you are doing it for though. It is of course impossible to get the whole story from what you have written. Or where your feelings at the moment may lead to, or not lead to. I hope I have managed to point out that you don't sound at all unusual in what you are feeling. We all question our motives, lifestyle and identity at times. To return to where we began, we live in more enlightened and informed days than ever. And you will be more free to be 'you' than was possible before. And that means whatever 'you' entails! I hope this helps? If there is any aspect you feel is worth deeper investigation then feel free to write a bit down and post it. Sometimes just resolving one, apparently quite small element puts the whole issue in clear perspective. God, and the Devil, are in the details. To coin a well-known phrase. have a great day!
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I am a 30 year old female and I live at home my mom and stepdad . I live at home because I have some disabilities. I just dentures and the place I went to did not do them right. My stepdad has took me 3 times already and refuses to take me again. The dentures are to big for mouthy. I can't even wear them . I don't drive due to anxiety. He yelled at me when I asked me to take me again. My mom can't take me due to an illness where she uses a wheelchair. I don't know where to turn. I even suggedted going on the medical van by myself because they take you to all appointments for free if you have Medicare but my mom said no to that. Is there anything else I can do to get these things fixed. I have been going around with no teeth. (link)
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I think the van/Medicare thing sounds a good place to start, although as I live in the UK I am not sure about the details of arranging it? But I am sure that at 30 years of age you do not need parental permission to set it all up. Or if it is set up already, to just use it and go. You should then address the issue, as it appears that they did not 'do them right' and as such they are responsible to make sure they are 'done right'. So be quite assertive. That does not mean having arguments etc. Simply show that you expect this to be resolved and you are not going to take no for an answer. I do think that being a little more assertive in your life in general might be a good idea? You question seems to have a strong vibe about it which suggests your mom and stepdad are being rather too controlling maybe? I appreciate that you mention some disabilities, and indeed anxiety issues alone will leave us lacking in self-belief and confidence. But you are an adult, and have more control over your life's trajectory and a right to determine this trajectory yourself. How about making the dentures issue a place to start taking back some of the momentum and controlling your own life? Again, we can do this without fuss or drama if we do it right. How about pointing out to your parents that you would like a bit more input, especially regarding your own affairs? That you feel although they mean the best for you, you feel they are perhaps lowering your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem? You would like a little more independence perhaps? This can be a key player in your fight with anxiety too. This really makes us feel 'out of control' doesn't it? There might be a little friction when you step-up, true. But stay with it, as I really do feel it will improve things in the longer term. The improvements will probably start straight away, in fact. I mean, you won't have to go around with no teeth for a start! And quite honestly, that is not going to help the self-confidence of anyone aged 30. So my advice really is to start taking a bit more control over your life. It's your life, after all. And don't delay. The longer we put off addressing and resolving problems the harder their resolution becomes, and time can slip away so quickly. In fact, start right now!
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What does it mean? (link)
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Let's think about it. As humans we constantly gather info, evaluate the facts, and thus make 'evaluative decisions'. Sometimes the decision is undeniably 'Drop this and walk away. It's over'. Are we then 'giving up'? Most certainly not! Consider your actions as investements. Investing your time and resoucres in a project and hoping for a good return. We all like a good return for our efforts, eh? Like financial investments. Financial or otherwise, there will come times when we reach a 'tipping point' A pivotal moment. That point at which we are, in truth, never going to even recover the value of investment we have already expended on this project. Never mind even thinking about showing any gain or profit! Then it's time to acknowledge and act on 'truth'. If it's a project or desire which is very precious to us we can be very reluctant to 'give up' on it. But we must. To coin another phrase, sometimes we must relinquish any hopes of finding a cure and make our priority simply to 'stop the bleeding'. Possibly a good measure is this. What if it was a loved and valued friend laying all the same details on you? Would you advise them to keep hanging in there and hoping against hope? Or to get yourself out of this now and forget about it? Would you try and comfort and soothe them with just dreams and wishes, or go straight to the truth at the heart of the matter?
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"Rock Bottom will teach lessons that the Mountain Tops never will." (link)
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Agreeing with adviceman here. Maybe just add that good experiences make you feel great but sometimes the satisfaction and happiness is brief and fleeting. Soon forgotten. Bad times will often leave long and lasting memories and entail lessons hard (but well and truly) learned. They 'cast a longer shadow' as we might say? Would be good to sail through life taking just the good stuff, wouldn't it? But who was ever this lucky? Keep moving forward my friend. If it doesn't actually kill you it will make you stronger, eh? That's not a bad view to carry along with you!
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recently i started liking some music from the 90s to the present day and musicains and bands from the 60s and 70s seem to have aged and ones the 90s and 2000s are still going strong and not real old curious to know why bands from the 90s to now are not as old as the ones from the 60s to the 80s ? (link)
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Hi there. I should say that muscians from the 60's to the 80's appear older because they are physically older men and women. There were less very young performers too in this period. A band or star would generally become famous over a longer period, touring and recording and learning their craft. We spoke then of a band or artist 'paying their dues' with perhaps years of gigs and studio work before they hit the limelight. The 90's onwards saw many more 'boy bands' and 'girl groups' where recording companies and management agencies would fast track sometimes very young performers to instant stardom. Their material would be written for them, with slick production and full multi-media promotion. They would often be at the peak of their careers at a very young age, and thus are not especially old today. And as you say, many are still performing and bringing out new material. Since music styles change over the decades, the older stuff you mention will tend to sound 'old' as well. The instruments were basically accoustic, although electrically amplified. A guitar and a drumkit are fundamentally not 'electronic' devices after all. Recording was not the super-clean digital pathway it is today either. Although we see 'digitally remastered' versions of old recordings (I listened to some by old rock band Led Zeppelin, who I like a lot) they cannot of course create detail that was missing and not captured in the original recording session. So it's really about the years adding up, isn't it? An act like the Rolling Stones can and do still put on live shows with bags of musicianship, and lots of on-stage energy. But we cannot expect our Mick Jaggers, Ronnie Woods
etc...etc...to be young men anymore, or that their music will not sound representative of it's era. Some of the themes are as relevent today as they were. And some will seem 'very seventies' for instance, concerning stuff that was hot then but now mostly forgotten. Listen to a bit of everything, I should say. Like, if you hear some very beautiful and meaningful lyrics in a modern tune, you might find the group or artist are covering a track written maybe 50 years ago by a master songwriter like Bob Dylan. Personally? I can listen to music by say, Bowie from the seventies and think 'this is still really cool stuff'. Or I can listen to a city radio station in the car where a hot DJ is mixing and mashing-up brand new club music and think 'Hey, this cool, fresh stuff with so much energy, I like it!' There's always room for good music, new or old!!
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I’m a 13 (14 in 3 days) year old girl and I’ve never really felt very attracted to anyone. I’ve had small crushes but never had the desire to act on them. Am I asexual? I don’t want to be. I want to fall in love with someone but I just don’t feel attracted to anyone in my school. Have my hormones just not kicked in yet? I’ve had my period and everything. (link)
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Indeed, worry not my friend. I don't want to get all spiritual, or talk about some sort of destiny having 'someone for you'etc etc. But you do have to feel that (hard to define) connection with a person. You know when it is there, and you know when it is not. When it is not, there is nothing you can do to make it happen or put it there. We are human and we can fake it, if doing so might further our ambitions or get us our own way. But don't be a fake! You say you want to fall in love? So you're tuned to the right frequency, as one might say. You'll know when that person you want to get closer to, learn about, spend time with etc appears on your radar. Meanwhile don't rush it and don't try to engineer it, and don't worry about it. And beware of the fakers! All the best.
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I’m a 13 year old girl and I’m trying to lose weight. Recently I got back from a vacation and was a little jet lagged and I don’t like coffee so I thought I’d try a cup of tea to keep me awake and I’ve started to have a cup of tea every night while I’m sitting in bed reading etc. Is this bad for me? Will it get in the way of me losing weight? (link)
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Hi there. I'm English. A cup of tea is not so much a drink as a religion over here mate! There's never been any suggestion of tea causing any harm. Quite the contrary. There are herbal teas, green teas (proven de-tox qualities) and many more, besides the usual tea. Been drinking it for hundreds of years. My mum drinks no end and she's 88. It got us through the blitz! The Japanese drink it, with great ceremony. And they're a healthy and long living people. I drink loads of it myself. It will only impact on your weight, and your teeth, if you fill it full of sugar mate. I don't take any sugar in mine at all, it kills the taste in my opinion. Coffee before bed, unless it's decaf, will tend to keep you awake. Tea before bed has never kept me awake and I can't think of anyone who has mentioned it doing so. Sweet tea full of sugar may do, as sugar does give a brief energy 'high' which makes you buzz a bit. I admit that in the UK there are now many coffee shops on the high street and few tea shops, and many people of your age group prefer soft drinks, a massive market. But to us 'old school' Brits, tea is the absolute prince of beverages!
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