Member Since: January 27, 2015
Answers: 14
Last Update: June 28, 2016
Visitors: 1340
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My life kind of started to end on July 15 2014. My wife of 52 years and I were sitting on our deck when we looked at each other and said, You know something we got it made. That was because I had finally retired and we had moved into our new house in the mountains. That was around one pm when we spoke those words.
That night around seven we got a call from one of our daughters (Barb). She told us that she had just left the doctors and they had told her she had stage four ovarian cancer, and that she had 1 to 5 years to live.
This as you can imagine floored us. The next morning my wife (Elaine) and I packed her suitcase. We decided that my wife would move in with Barb to help her as much as possible. Barb lives three hours away, so we thought I would drive down on weekends and bring our dog with me.
After three months of Elaine staying there and me coming down on weekends, the stress got so bad between my wife and I. You see, Elaine is 71 years old and she was taking care of Barbs whole house. There are four in the family, Barb, her husband (Jeff) daughter (Kristin age 21) and son (Jeffery age 17). She looked like she was 90 years old. This was killing my wife. Well after three months had gone by, Barb went back to work, so Elaine decided to come home and we would go down on weekends. This lasted till 1/10/16 when Barb passed away.
When my wife came home, I was relieved that she could rest and try to get back to somewhat of a normal life. Well that did not happen. From the minute and I mean minute Elaine walked in the door I was accused of having an affair. I could not believe my ears. Her reasoning was she found Cialis in my bureau drawer. After her throwing this at me I showed her that it was a sample with my name written on it. The funny part of it was, Elaine was the one that picked it up at the doctors office. By the way our doctor not only wrote my name on the box but the date 1/16/2012. Four years before we moved to the mountains.
That was the end of that session. But two weeks later she told me my girlfriend stole five pair of her jeans from the closet. I could go on an on about the accusations but to name just a few. Cigarette butts found in the street meant my girlfriend was standing there watching the house. I was told while we where both out shopping together that there was blood on our mattress pad. When we got home the blood had disappeared. Now remember we never left each others side.
I won’t bore you with more details because there is over 50 accusations made. None of which were true.
Anyway last week a new neighbor moved in and you guessed it I was having an affair with her.
Well two days ago she left me, drained our bank accounts of over $125,000. Leaving me not only with my wife of 52 years but without a penny.
I can’t do this anymore. As much as I love her I want it all to end. I can’t stand the pain. I sit here and look at a bottle of pills the doctor gave us for depression and can’t stop thinking this would end my pain. I was a strong willed man all my life, a rough and tumble construction worker. Well I am a broken man now. She broke me and took my will to live.
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I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. No one could ever expect one's partner to betray one like that. Sometimes, the ones we love behave in unexpected ways, and it doesn't matter how long we have known them.
It sounds as if your wife had some sort of psychological breakdown as she was taking care of your daughter. I don't think anyone can say your relationship will be the same as it used to, but you should think of your other children, Kristen and Jeffrey, and think of Barb's legacy--surely Barb would have wanted you to stay strong and live on. You still have much joy to look forward to: remembering and celebrating Barb's life, Jeffrey and Kristen graduating from university and embarking on their own adventures, possible grandchildren, creating memories with your friends, etc.
I don't know if you have already tried to reason with your wife, but if she is not open to reason, you may have to prepare to take care of YOURSELF. Typically, joint accounts are meant to be distributed evenly, so you should think about reaching out to her or taking it to court if you need the financial support from her having taken those drastic measures.
You need to stay strong and take care of yourself first, mentally physically and emotionally. It will not be easy, but ending your life is NO answer! If anything, there are many moments in our lives when we overcome difficulty, only to come out as better people. Please think of your daughter Barb, who had her life ahead of her--she would want you to see past the pain in order to stand tall again.
I'm only a random stranger on the internet, but please, if you want to talk more, I cannot recommend enough the counselors at 1-800-273-TALK. They can help you in even more ways than I can. We may be strangers, but know that we all face difficult events in our lives, and that I am sending you all my well wishes so that you can seek out a happy outlet for yourself. Stand tall, stranger. Stand tall again.
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Personally, I have been very miserable all of my life. I have suffered from OCD as long as I can remember. I moved from New York to Florida when I was five years old. It was very traumatic for me. I have tried to commit suicide, but I just ended up in a mental institution. I do see a psychiatrist, but she does not help me. In fact, I only see her for the medication. I am absolutely miserable right now, especially with my job. I decided that I will no longer give any types of hints about suicide because I don't want to end up in a mental institution again. That did nothing to help me. I am going through preparations (getting my house ready, cleaning, trying to pay off bills). (link)
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Hi. How are you today?
It's currently snowing rather hard here and I caught myself staring out the window tonight, watching the shower of snow while jammin' to Kid Cudi's latest song called "Love."
One of the hardest aspects of life is finding enough love for ourselves FROM ourselves. I am so sorry to hear how lonely and miserable you are. I wish I could help you. I wish your psychiatrist could help you. I wish there were a way to reach out to you somehow. I just want you to know there are people, even strangers like me, who care. There are people who want to listen to you.
Years ago, I felt the same way because I was brought down by the world's hardships and I felt unable to survive surrounded by negativity. But what I feared worse than death was to be remembered as no one of importance. I had done nothing to make the world a better place; in fact, I had done the opposite and given myself up completely. Right now, you are fighting against yourself to understand that YOU ARE SOMEBODY. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER.
Please talk about your feelings to people who care about you and who CAN and WILL help: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA
Sometimes, hearing other people's secrets can help us heal. Why don't you check out PostSecret: http://postsecret.com/
Listen to Kid Cudi's song with me: http://www.complex.com/music/2015/03/kid-cudi-love
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Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you. (link)
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Whenever I'm at a loss for what to do in a relationship, I try to think what I would want if I were in my partner's shoes. In this case, you're doing the right thing by preparing to tell your boyfriend the truth. Your friend may say "there is no point" but your boyfriend--and others--will tell you that the point is ALWAYS to be honest with your partners. Wouldn't >you< want to know if your loved one was cheating on you?
It's not my place to say, but the fact you: slept with The Other Guy when you have a "wonderful" boyfriend, had sex because you "wanted to get it over with", and "am kind of glad only because it was extremely painful" is quite telling of where your mind is right now. Meaning, you are still young and immature (and I mean that as inoffensively as possible, so please don't take it personally.) Sex is not something you should ever feel forced into, or forced to get over with. Sex is meant to be an act of love and/or passion between two consenting adults; even then, you should never feel as if you NEED to have sex--do what feels comfortable to YOU, when it feels comfortable to YOU.
However, you're doing the right thing by preparing to be honest with your boyfriend. So plan a day that you can see him; if that's not possible, then plan a day for the two of you to Skype or speak to each other in a more direct manner--just tell him the truth about what happened and reaffirm your love for him. That's what it comes down to: taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
I can't say whether or not your boyfriend will choose to stay with you, and the two of you will have to work hard to preserve trust in the relationship, but--no matter what--I'm certain he will want to know the full truth.
Good luck.
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I raped someone I want to turn myself in immediately. Tell me what I need to do. I need to be punished. I will not say how it happen and why. I can't make up any excuses. I was drunk but it doesn't change anything. The person who was hurt doesn't want to do anything and prefers to just forget and move on, but I can't . I need to be punished and I want to turn myself in. The person wouldn't have to worry about trial or publicity. I just need to know what I have to prepare for. (link)
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Listen, I'm not a licensed professional on these kinds of things, but I'll tell you what I'd tell a friend in the same situation:
If you're able to do so, tell the victim that you fully intend to take responsibility for what happened and that you want to do the right thing to atone for what you did. Let him/her know that you intend to turn yourself in. And go to the local precinct and speak to the officers there. I'm not sure what will happen from there, but they'll be able to advise you.
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So this girl, lets just call her c. We've been friends for a long time, and she knows i really, really like her, but she's dating someone else. I feel like ever since she started dating another guy, I feel like my love for her is poison to our friendship, and we are drifting apart. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I love her, but the more I love her, the harder it is for our relationship to work out. Then, there is another girl I'm good friends with, I recently just met her. lets call her k. K likes me, I can tell, and I think I like her too, but my feelings with c are holding me back from k. I don't ever want to hurt k's feelings, and i feel like i am making k like me more without meaning to. Even if kate and I worked out, it would be an online relationship, like instagram and skype you know, and C and I live next door from eachother :( I just need help, please, from a girl. someone who is good with this stuff... (link)
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To answer this question, I think I need to tackle this step by step; incidentally, that is also your answer!
Person C knows you have strong feelings for her; however, not only does she not reciprocate, but she is dating someone else. You're being a good friend by being so respectful of her feelings, and keep in mind that you probably will not be able to maintain the same level of friendship until you resolve your feelings for her. Don't put too much pressure on yourself; instead, give yourself time to move beyond your unreturned feelings--explain to Person C that you may need some time and distance until you're able to go back to just being a good friend to her.
With Person K, I am hearing two different issues: 1) You don't like her the same way, and 2) It would be an online relationship. Right now, in your heart, there is only Person C. And until you are able to properly get over those feelings for Person C, you won't be able to be in a relationship with anyone else--any other person would be a rebound, which I don't think you or any other girl would be happy with.
Furthermore, if your relationship is purely online and not in person, that's really not a relationship to enter into. Keep in mind there is no such thing as a purely online "relationship"; or, should I say, those types of relationships are very difficult to maintain.
My advice is to give yourself time. Try to limit contact with Person C so that you won't be so heartbroken, and continue being the respectful/considerate person you have been with her. If you do want to hold onto the friendship with her, you can--but it's always hard to hang out with a friend when you have a unrequited crush on her, and it's best to give yourself adequate time + distance so that things don't become awkward between you two. As far as finding someone new, it will happen in due time--trust me! The last thing you want is a rebound with someone you don't particularly like the same way--you'll wind up unhappy and she'll wind up hurt.
Hang in there. In time, you'll find your stride :)
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It's been a year since I met someone on an online dating site. It started off with a nice friendship, which got stronger and stronger and eventually, I started to develop feelings for him, and he gave me strong signals that indicated the same thing. Eventually, we decided to meet in person. I went to meet him, and we had a wonderful evening, which ended with him kissing me and us sleeping in the same bed together (intimate, but nothing involving me actually "sleeping with him")...we did the same thing the next day, but after that, he rarely spoke to me, which I told myself was due to him being very busy at work, but deep down, I knew he was avoiding me...then he got a girlfriend and basically vanished. I know it sounds strange, considering we met only once, and only previously talked through e-mails and online chat but I felt very, VERY strongly for him, AND as I said, he had given me *very strong* indications that he was interested in me...especially our first meeting...so of course, I felt confused, betrayed, used and very angry...it's been almost 6 months, and I can't seem to find complete closure. I still can't listen to certain music or watch certain films, or read certain books without getting very sad...I know I will probably never see him again, and I'm not sure I even want to. I want *so* badly to believe that he didn't just use me, but I know he probably did...I want to move on and find closure, but I still can't seem to mend my heart completely... (link)
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Online dating allows us an opportunity to customize our search options and get to know others in a differently open way than we do in real life. The concept is great, but as with any sort of dating, you're bound to strike out more than you get a homerun.
On the other hand, online dating offers so many options and distractions for people that a lot of them fail to treat their dates as human! A lot of people just up and disappear, string you along, keep you as a backup option, etc. The guy you spoke to who you thought seemed like a nice guy was obviously anything but. Maybe the intimacy he wanted was more physical than emotional. Maybe there was no chemistry. Maybe... [insert any one of a million reasons] And the mistake that a lot of people tend to make is not meeting for weeks and months. You can't date someone you've never met--you can be chat buddies or pen pals, but you're not really "dating" until you've gone on an actual date.
Listen: spending 6 months dwelling on a guy whom you met once or twice is a tragic waste of your mental capacities. I understand that you were attached to him based on an initial friendship that evolved online, but no relationship can be sustained purely online--you shouldn't go by what's merely in writing. To be blunt: you were essentially pen pals, were not in any relationship, met once or twice, and then he disappeared. It doesn't matter how or why--he chose to vanish and date someone else--so why waste your thoughts and emotions on a guy who couldn't respect you as a mature adult?
The dating world--online or offline--is chock full of weirdos, whackjobs, nutcases, creeps; finding a truly good man is like gold mining. Don't give up and don't lose your ability to be vulnerable; simply have thicker skin and don't get attached to the IDEA of the guy before you've gotten to know him in real life. I used OkCupid myself for a while and went through half the nutjobs on there. For every handful of nutjobs, there were a few good guys who it didn't work out with. C'est la vie. So I gave up on online dating, but lo and behold, the very last date I went on was with the man I'm currently seeing. I can't predict the future, but he's a truly good guy and I see nothing wrong with taking things slow to figure out what happens.
Don't give up on yourself! Remember that, for as long as you dwell on this loser--who didn't even have the respect and decency to be honest with you--you're missing out on all these opportunities with potential good guys. The potential is ALWAYS there; you won't be able to tell if it's a gemstone or piece of schist (it's a rock pun) until you wash off all the dirt.
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I know I might come off as sounding like a crazy insecure girlfriend but I just need some reassurance here. My boyfriend and I, we've been together for a little over a year. It hasn't been easy but we've always worked through it. He was with his ex for 5, but she ended up cheating on him and they broke up for good. He tells me that they're still friends and at the point where they can be cool with each other now, not have any tension. So I know they will still text each other every once in a while. She doesn't live here anymore because she's a flight attendant so she's all over the place. Anyway, my question comes down to social media, instagram. Is it wrong for him to go back through her recent old selfies and like them in a row. He usually doesn't like them when they're posted because hes not on but I've noticed that given a week or two, he'll make sure he goes on her page and 'likes' them. She always likes every one of his whenever he posts one. I personally feel they shouldn't even be talking but I guess thats just my opinion. Should I tell him I dont like it? Then again I dont have her instagram on my account, I have it on another that he doesn't know about, so I cant even begin to explain to him how I know. He tells me he loves me and I can feel it but if he does those things too, then what does that mean. (link)
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You know, I've been on both sides of this situation. First of all, it IS simply social media: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.--they tend to make it easier for people to reach out to one another and therefore, to amplify unnecessary paranoia in relationships. I'm still friends with two of my exes; it is certainly possible if both parties can be mature about it and ready.
On the other hand, I think what's making you feel insecure is the constant contact they have, which is a completely natural response. But what this means is that:
1) You need to stop checking up on his social media activity. Even though it's natural for you to be concerned about him spending so much time with an old flame, you're doing yourself no favors by having created a fake account that your boyfriend doesn't know about in order to check up on the both of them! THAT is not natural, and it's part of the problem.
2) You should have a heart-to-heart discussion with your boyfriend about whether or not he still has feelings for his ex. This discussion should clarify any misunderstandings and insecurities you may have. Sometimes, exes simply transition into close friends after the relationship has ended. Sometimes, they serve as reminders of a past that we miss and make us unprepared to move on with a new relationship. Only by discussing with him and evaluating his actions will you be able to figure out where he falls.
So: stop obsessing and digitally stalking, and get right to the heart of the issue. The way you're behaving now is not healthy to either one of you.
Good luck.
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Hey there all. I need some help. I have been in a bad relationship for quite some time now... about 3 years. My family started to hate this guy and the hatred was so strong and they basically had no real reason. They just said that they hated him. So, I started to discredit that hatred because I just thought that they were trying to make my life miserable. I basically lied starting back in August and told them that I had broken up with him. I felt bad about it, but you have to understand that it was day in and day out talking about him and how much they hated him. I just felt like it was the only way to get them to stop.
I recently moved and now, without their influence, I have been able to see for myself how bad he really is. He treats me like garbage. He's aggressive. He makes fun of my beliefs and values. He takes money from me. He orders me around. I offered him food and he says "I don't want that crap." Most people would just say "no thank you." I think that I was in a daze when I first started dating him because I had just lost a close family member to cancer. So, I didn't really see what was right in front of me. There were red flags from the very beginning. If I would have valued myself a little more three years ago, I probably wouldn't have started dating him at all. I would have seen it as a bad choice. Now, that I have come out of that "shock"from the loss, I can see things a little more clearly. The person who passed was my cousin, and we were very, very close. He was only a year younger than me. He was my best friend and passed from cancer. So, it wasn't just the loss that effected me, it was seeing him ill for so long. Recently, I was even diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder likely do to this. So, I feel that now is when I'm coming out of this adrenaline rush that I had going on when we were taking care of him.
Before, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to break up with him. I thought that I was doing it for the wrong reasons: my mom/family. Especially given the nature of the way that they said it. But, now I have seen for myself. I've never broken up with anyone before. I've only had one other serious relationship and it ended in another way. I don't even know how to face him. I'm afraid that he's gonna start crying... and then I'm just gonna feel bad and stay with him. I've come to realize that he has a bit of a dangerous temper and he is aggressive. Since my cousin passed, I had been going to therapy and obviously, this came up. The therapist believes that he is a narcissist. I'm afraid of telling him in person. I know it's the "right" thing to do, but I can't look him in the eye. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and it could be over. This has had me so stressed that I've often thought... I wish the Lord would just take me so I could just avoid it. But, I know that this is something I need to do. I'm not happy at all. I'm miserable in this relationship and I don't want to be in it anymore.
Lastly, I should bring up that my birthday is on Sunday. I'm turning 24. Last year, he didn't get me anything for my birthday and didn't even come see me. This year, he's suddenly interested in "making up for it" and has a whole day planned. I'm not interested in spending the day with him. But, I'm worried about breaking up with him before then because I fear that he could hunt me down and ruin it. Please advise! Also, please advise on the best way to break up with him and how to get over that fear.
Thank you. Blessings.
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You should break up with him ASAP, as others have recommended. If it's difficult for you to confront him, I highly suggest you go with your father, brother, or a close friend. Or simply write him a letter breaking things off with him. You don't need to tell him why; a simple explanation that things are not working and that you wish him all the best should suffice.
A person like that may be trying to exert control over you because of his own insecurities; therefore, he may beg you to give him another chance, to stay with him, that he'll make it up to you, etc. He may even have already realized you're distancing yourself from him, and that's why he's exerting more effort into your birthday.
But maintain your inner strength and break things off. The longer you wait, the longer this will drag on. And do you really want to be stuck celebrating your birthday with this man, simply for the sake of stalling what is yet to come?
Have a friend or family member wait in the car outside. If you feel he's dangerous, that he'll "hunt you down" and enact some sort of revenge, then you absolutely should tell your loved ones and the police.
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My husband and I's one year anniversary is coming up in a few months, and so is a very close friend's wedding, her wedding date: our one year anniversary. I'm at a loss of what to do. My husband wouldn't be able to come with me to her wedding, and my friend would be extremely hurt if I didn't go. What makes the situation awkward is I knew when picking my wedding date that my friend would be getting married that same day. I had no choice however (my husband is military). I reassured and promised her since she got engaged that I would be there at her wedding. In fact, as soon as I got the wedding invite, I texted her and let her know I would be there and how excited I was. My husband always knew I'd be going, but I guess it just clicked for him I'd be missing or first anniversary. He's very upset, anniversaries are very important to him. I tried reasoning with him that we could celebrate another day, but he's not having it. What do I do? I will always pick my husband over anything, but shouldn't he be more understanding? Should I be present for the most important day of my close friend's life and hurt my husband? Or be there with my husband for our one year anniversary and risk losing my friend? (And I have very few true good friends) (link)
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Well, everyone is different. I personally wouldn't mind celebrating the anniversary the day before and/or after, but I'm also not your husband. Your husband is upset because this is your first anniversary of the marriage, and being a military man also tends to mean their schedules are not as flexible as civilians.
I think the reasonable solution is to go to your friend's wedding and then skip out early. Be there for the ceremony, wish her congratulations, leave the gift, and then celebrate your own marriage. I do think a true friend would be understanding of the fact that you also need to celebrate your own marriage. It's not the 2nd or 3rd anniversary; it's your first!
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I'm not here to judge anyone by their response but how many parents believe in smacking their children on the butt with a belt or paddle when they're bad? Growing up I had this done to me and always wondered if it's right or not and where other people stand on this issue. (link)
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I grew up with spankings, which were quite few in between because I learned early on not to be an ***hole.
I think the belt and paddle, though it was more commonly used in the past to discipline children, are too harsh now. If your child does something so significant that no amount of words can possibly address the issue, I personally see nothing wrong with a mild spanking, but that's because I grew up in a family culture with strict rules and discipline--we were taught to be respectful and courteous.
It's interesting you ask this question, because I watched a previous episode of the ABC comedy show, "Blackish" that addressed this; ultimately, the father instead decided to speak to his young son about having been disappointed in his poor choice, and the feeling of having disappointed his father was stronger than any corporal punishment for the young child. Just to give you a thought.
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Hi,
I'm 20 yrs old female. My boyfriend is 21 years, and Chinese.
Lunar New Year is coming soon, and I thought it would be nice if I celebrated it with him and his friends (his family is in China at the moment). However, he said he doesn't want to celebrate with me because he thinks it's only meant for "Chinese" people. I think that's absurd because even though I'm Filipino, my culture still celebrates it. I'm just a bit upset because I know that this event is important to him, yet he doesn't want me to be a part of it.
He thinks I'm not upset about it anymore, but I still am. I really want to celebrate it, and I might do so with other people. But I wish he'd be with me too.
What do you think? (link)
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First of all, many other Asian cultures celebrate the Lunar New Year. It is not exclusive to China. Furthermore, even the Jewish religion follows the lunar calendar; it is also not exclusive to China.
I'm not sure how traditional your boyfriend is, but I think you need to have a discussion with him. Is it because he just wants to hang out with his friends? If so, he should make that clear and you should respect his personal time. Is it because it's still early in the relationship and he's not ready to integrate you into other aspects of his life?
There's a lot of unanswered questions here, but you should have an open conversation with him about the way you feel.
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Ok so me and my bf officially broke up on tuesday. We broke up because he said he wants to live a single life right now. I love him so much and i dont want to lose him. I knew we were going to break up along time ago but i just didnt want to accept it. He kept showing me signs like whenever i text or call him he sometimes takes along time to text or call me back. Sometime he just wont call me period. on tuesdat i told him that i still have feelings for him and i hope that we do get back together. He said he hope that we do get back together also. We never really had any problems in the relationship so i just dont know why he wanted to break up. His decision. I asked if when he'll want to pick up his items. He told me to hold on to them because he dont need them right now. I also told him to hold on to mine. That same tuesday he promised to also buy me a teddy bear when he gets paid. We go to the same college but i barely ever see him these days. Yesterday i saw his car around campus when i looked inside i noticed he was using my car seat cover that i gave him to keep. Idk why he's using it at all and i also noticed that now he's looking at my snapchats everyday. He never looked at then when we were together apart from the private snaps i used to send him. Its been three days now since we didnt talk. To me i was thinking maybe no contact for a while will make him really miss me and then he'll come back to me. Idk but im trying to use no contact right now for a while. I really love him and i never want to break up with him. Does it seem like he'll eventually come back? Opinions please. Thank you (link)
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Unless there's more to this, the fact that he told you he wants to "live the single life" seems to be a sign that he wants to play the field again. I'm not saying he's a player, but it sounds like he misses being a bachelor.
Listen, when your partner tells you he wants to be single, the relationship is essentially over. You can--and you should--give him space. But no amount of giving him space and time and distance will result in him returning to you if he doesn't want to be with you. I've been in similar situations and some of my friends have, too--sometimes, he/she comes back and all is forgiven; sometimes, he/she doesn't because he/she ultimately dates someone new.
You're looking for little signs that he still cares about you and misses you. The truth is: he does (he's not heartless!) but it does not mean he wants to still be your boyfriend; in fact he made it clear he does NOT. The best advice I can give you is to treat this like a breakup. He has already told you he wants to be single, and you admit you've been denying the signs that have been there the entire time. Cut off all contact with him and focus on ways to mourn/heal/move on, NOT ways to win him back or obsess over him. Because he has already made his choice, and all you can do is respect his decision. Don't be with anyone who you feel you have to persuade to stay with you--the man who is with you should always make YOU his top choice, he should always choose YOU, remember that.
Find your inner strength! You can do this! Good luck!
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Me and my ex broke up about a month ago, and I'm really missing him. At first it didn't really bother me, I was sad for about a week and started to move on, but just a couple days ago, he came into my work ( local grocery store) and went through my line. Ever since that day, I've become really depressed and have been thinking about him continually. My feelings and emotions have gotten the best of me. I usually talk about this with my friend but she recently met a guy and has been hanging out with him 24/7. It's making me more depressing seeing how happy she is, knowing I was that happy when I was with my ex. Yes, I am happy for her, but its hard for me seeing couples right now. Idk what to do?! I'm really upset, crying. Please help. (link)
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Ooh, ouch. It sucks to have to see him again after a breakup, I'm sorry.
Give yourself time. I've been through several breakups in my life and I've also gone through the phase of needing to emotional unload and vent to friends. I think it's safe to say we all do.
But most of our healing comes from within--it's an internal process. It will be a struggle for a while until time heals your wounds. Even relationship therapists advise us to keep reminding ourselves of two things: 1) All the reasons you broke up in the first place, i.e., reflect on all the terrible things about him that should make you feel glad you are no longer with him, and 2) Reinforce all the great qualities about you that make you a good catch!
Don't fake being happy and let yourself mourn--cry it all out! I basically lied in bed and cried for three consecutive days after my last breakup and then I was so tired and sick of my sorry state--I'm a very active person, so being bedridden is totally not my thing--which propelled me to join clubs and meet new friends, for which I'm now happier than ever. Little things still remind me of my ex, but now I have the hindsight to know that we broke up for good reason!
Each relationship carries important lessons for us all, from the beginning of the relationship to the end. Use it as a way to learn from and move on. Give yourself time. It will get better, I promise.
Hang in there :)
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21/f, 28/m
I've been dating this guy for the past 8-9 months. He has lied to me three times and each time he has broken my trust. Each time, we were trying to rebuild trust and trying to make things work. He has convinced me to stay because he called them "bad choices" or "bad mistakes." Those lies and mistakes that he has made, has done damage that also made me question his loyalty. But he did not completely go off and cheat on me. The worst thing he did was tell his ex-girlfriend that he missed her.
Since then, he's been telling me that he has moved on and he no longer thinks about her. He's been reassuring me, telling me that he likes me, he sends me kissy faces, he told me that he's been trying to become more available for me, that he desperately wanted to rebuild trust with me, and to become closer to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to be my "home," because I told him that I no longer have that someone that was like my "home." He even looked up an article that would somewhat help to open us both up and become vulnerable. He thought it would be worth a try.
I'm not sure if it's because he broke my trust so many times in such a short time, I can't see what he's doing. But my sister told me that she could tell that he was trying. Even though he tries to be there for me and tells me everything, I still feel insecure and think that he's constantly cheating when he's not next to me. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to think that he's cheating. He tells me what he does that day (because we've always done that), but for some reason, I think he's lying.
Is this going to take time for me to acknowledge/believe that he's not lying? Is it going to take time for me to regain trust for him? Do you have any advice on what I should do or any suggestions that would help? Thanks. (link)
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Do what your gut tells you.
Within a short time span of 8-9 months, your "partner"--if you can call him that--has betrayed your trust several times. You don't need to try so hard to forgive him--if one cannot trust ones partner in the relationship, that relationship can no longer be sustained.
When you describe yourself as feeling insecure and not wanting to feel this way because your partner is "trying", I think you're putting a heavy responsibility on YOUR shoulders to force yourself to accepting his efforts. But it is completely natural you'd feel this way; anyone would feel distrustful and insecure about a relationship with an unfaithful partner.
On top of all that, telling his ex-gf that he misses her is a sign that he hasn't moved on from his past. And when someone hasn't yet moved on from the past, he/she isn't ready to move into the future. Your partner is dwelling on the shoulda/woulda/couldas of his previous relationship, causing him to frequently cheat on you. And while there may be some debate on this, I personally believe that someone engaging in this sort of behavior with an ex constitutes a form of cheating--emotional cheating. He's treating you like a convenient rebound; he misses his ex but can no longer be with her, so he stays with you without fully being able to commit because he misses her. It's a hot mess all around, and he needs to figure sh-tuff out.
I think you're seeking validation for the way you're currently thinking and feeling, and you sound like you want an extra boost to push you in the direction you already seem to want to go--which is to leave him. And I'd root for you all the way; heck, I'm the type to leave after one bout of cheating, much less three! You're probably thinking he's trying so hard and you love him and you don't think there's another man quite like him--no, no, no--trust me when I say that you can ALWAYS do better than a man that cheats and is hung up on his ex. Because a man like that isn't ready for a serious relationship with you.
You can do it. Good luck.
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