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Finding closure...
It's been a year since I met someone on an online dating site. It started off with a nice friendship, which got stronger and stronger and eventually, I started to develop feelings for him, and he gave me strong signals that indicated the same thing. Eventually, we decided to meet in person. I went to meet him, and we had a wonderful evening, which ended with him kissing me and us sleeping in the same bed together (intimate, but nothing involving me actually "sleeping with him")...we did the same thing the next day, but after that, he rarely spoke to me, which I told myself was due to him being very busy at work, but deep down, I knew he was avoiding me...then he got a girlfriend and basically vanished. I know it sounds strange, considering we met only once, and only previously talked through e-mails and online chat but I felt very, VERY strongly for him, AND as I said, he had given me *very strong* indications that he was interested in me...especially our first meeting...so of course, I felt confused, betrayed, used and very angry...it's been almost 6 months, and I can't seem to find complete closure. I still can't listen to certain music or watch certain films, or read certain books without getting very sad...I know I will probably never see him again, and I'm not sure I even want to. I want *so* badly to believe that he didn't just use me, but I know he probably did...I want to move on and find closure, but I still can't seem to mend my heart completely...
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Online dating allows us an opportunity to customize our search options and get to know others in a differently open way than we do in real life. The concept is great, but as with any sort of dating, you're bound to strike out more than you get a homerun.
On the other hand, online dating offers so many options and distractions for people that a lot of them fail to treat their dates as human! A lot of people just up and disappear, string you along, keep you as a backup option, etc. The guy you spoke to who you thought seemed like a nice guy was obviously anything but. Maybe the intimacy he wanted was more physical than emotional. Maybe there was no chemistry. Maybe... [insert any one of a million reasons] And the mistake that a lot of people tend to make is not meeting for weeks and months. You can't date someone you've never met--you can be chat buddies or pen pals, but you're not really "dating" until you've gone on an actual date.
Listen: spending 6 months dwelling on a guy whom you met once or twice is a tragic waste of your mental capacities. I understand that you were attached to him based on an initial friendship that evolved online, but no relationship can be sustained purely online--you shouldn't go by what's merely in writing. To be blunt: you were essentially pen pals, were not in any relationship, met once or twice, and then he disappeared. It doesn't matter how or why--he chose to vanish and date someone else--so why waste your thoughts and emotions on a guy who couldn't respect you as a mature adult?
The dating world--online or offline--is chock full of weirdos, whackjobs, nutcases, creeps; finding a truly good man is like gold mining. Don't give up and don't lose your ability to be vulnerable; simply have thicker skin and don't get attached to the IDEA of the guy before you've gotten to know him in real life. I used OkCupid myself for a while and went through half the nutjobs on there. For every handful of nutjobs, there were a few good guys who it didn't work out with. C'est la vie. So I gave up on online dating, but lo and behold, the very last date I went on was with the man I'm currently seeing. I can't predict the future, but he's a truly good guy and I see nothing wrong with taking things slow to figure out what happens.
Don't give up on yourself! Remember that, for as long as you dwell on this loser--who didn't even have the respect and decency to be honest with you--you're missing out on all these opportunities with potential good guys. The potential is ALWAYS there; you won't be able to tell if it's a gemstone or piece of schist (it's a rock pun) until you wash off all the dirt.
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Maybe he wasn't really using you. Maybe, just like the movie, "he's just not that into you". Maybe you met and had a nice time together, and when you parted, he realized maybe the same chemistry wasn't there that you had before. Sometimes a very passionate affair via email and Internet can fizzle out in person. Something about being separated adds to intrigue. Its obvious this guy has moved on, and it most likely had more to do with his own needs than who you are. But you still need closure. You need to close the door on that chapter so you can open another one. So sit down and write him a letter. You will never send him this letter. You will never email him the letter. This letter is for you only. To express yourself, ask questions and say goodbye. It sounds cheesy, but it will help, I promise. It gives you an outlet for your feelings and simulates talking to him without having to contact him. You may never get answers to your questions, and that's ok. You need to be ok with that. But you can at least express how you feel. So write the letter, then do something symbolic to destroy it. Burn it, put it in a bottle and throw it out to sea, rip it into a million little pieces. The idea is that you're letting go of the pain that the letter represents. Then chalk this one up to one of life's experiences and move forward in your life. Good Luck.
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