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She broke me and took my will to live.
My life kind of started to end on July 15 2014. My wife of 52 years and I were sitting on our deck when we looked at each other and said, You know something we got it made. That was because I had finally retired and we had moved into our new house in the mountains. That was around one pm when we spoke those words.
That night around seven we got a call from one of our daughters (Barb). She told us that she had just left the doctors and they had told her she had stage four ovarian cancer, and that she had 1 to 5 years to live.
This as you can imagine floored us. The next morning my wife (Elaine) and I packed her suitcase. We decided that my wife would move in with Barb to help her as much as possible. Barb lives three hours away, so we thought I would drive down on weekends and bring our dog with me.
After three months of Elaine staying there and me coming down on weekends, the stress got so bad between my wife and I. You see, Elaine is 71 years old and she was taking care of Barbs whole house. There are four in the family, Barb, her husband (Jeff) daughter (Kristin age 21) and son (Jeffery age 17). She looked like she was 90 years old. This was killing my wife. Well after three months had gone by, Barb went back to work, so Elaine decided to come home and we would go down on weekends. This lasted till 1/10/16 when Barb passed away.
When my wife came home, I was relieved that she could rest and try to get back to somewhat of a normal life. Well that did not happen. From the minute and I mean minute Elaine walked in the door I was accused of having an affair. I could not believe my ears. Her reasoning was she found Cialis in my bureau drawer. After her throwing this at me I showed her that it was a sample with my name written on it. The funny part of it was, Elaine was the one that picked it up at the doctors office. By the way our doctor not only wrote my name on the box but the date 1/16/2012. Four years before we moved to the mountains.
That was the end of that session. But two weeks later she told me my girlfriend stole five pair of her jeans from the closet. I could go on an on about the accusations but to name just a few. Cigarette butts found in the street meant my girlfriend was standing there watching the house. I was told while we where both out shopping together that there was blood on our mattress pad. When we got home the blood had disappeared. Now remember we never left each others side.
I won’t bore you with more details because there is over 50 accusations made. None of which were true.
Anyway last week a new neighbor moved in and you guessed it I was having an affair with her.
Well two days ago she left me, drained our bank accounts of over $125,000. Leaving me not only with my wife of 52 years but without a penny.
I can’t do this anymore. As much as I love her I want it all to end. I can’t stand the pain. I sit here and look at a bottle of pills the doctor gave us for depression and can’t stop thinking this would end my pain. I was a strong willed man all my life, a rough and tumble construction worker. Well I am a broken man now. She broke me and took my will to live.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Let me start with I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter....
You seem like a good guy and no person should have to go through all of that at once or even at all but trust me when I tell you no body should ever make you feel like dying is better then living... We've all been through situations to make us feel that way I am only 24 but I have been there and its not a place you wanna be. I am assuming you've had a great life and you deserve to live the remainder of it HAPPY and at peace, Sometimes things happen out of our control and we start blaming ourselves wondering how we could of changed it or done something differently. That is a long time to commit your whole self to someone just to get heart broken so I understand why you feel this way but please its not worth it, taking your own life is NEVER worth anything or anyone, take it from me things ALWAYS get better even when you cant see the light, Now I dont know if your a religious man or not I believe but I am far from a church goer and I rarely preach on HIS behave but when I tell you there is a purpose to all the hearache and frustration there is, let me tell you something someone told me once that changed my life... " Sometimes the devil lets you live life free of trouble because he doesnt want you turning to God ever notice how people dont start to pray till things go wrong in there life.... Everyday is a test, everything has reason your NOT ALONE" I truly believe that and you should to now I dont know your wife, it could be a breakdown for all you know when parents lose there children its AWFUL but when a mother does its IRREPLACEABLE and let me tell you there is nothing worse and as much as your hurting I guarantee shes hurting so much more.... I will tell you though those type of accusations are a little concerning I have been working in health care for 6 years now and seen it all especially when it comes to dementia, people often don't realize there are so many more signs to it like claming, " Your girlfriend stole her pants" or about the medicine SHE picked up it could be the result of something that happened so long ago between you to that shes just reliving, just think back about everything lately maybe you missed clear signs its possible and happens more ofton then not.... I really hope you the best and hope you think about all the good and your family and realize you are LOVED and need to find that fighter in you that strong willed man and FIGHT for you and FIGHT for your wife..... I truly hope you find happiness because more then ever LIFE IS SHORT and once your gone thats it... Game over and this isnt how you wanna go out by giving up, thats not what a fighter does.... I hope this helped even a little
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Ok first off let me just say that im so sorry your going through this. I can imagine how you must be feeling (and ive been with my SO for 15 years)
Next i wanna take a wild guess here and say that maybe your wife has had a mental brake since the death and isnt dealing with her feelings or allowing herself to grieve.
This is what can happen when loved ones die and the survivors are feeling just so mixed up emotionally that they dont know what feelings to go with like the normal ones (sadness and loss) but instead is choosing anger and accusations and since your the closest to her right now, (or since this happened) your going to be that sacrificial lamb sorry to say.
Its easy for me to make that leap because you said that before she left that you had a previously pretty good relationship. What your wife needs is mental help.
I would call her and tell her that she can either return the money to your joint accounts (or wherever its kept) or you will call adult protective services and the police)
If she DOES manage to get away with stealing that money for right now, you can always take her to court and file for a divorce and get that money back, because no judge is going to rule in favor of someone who has demonstrated such erratic behavior after the death of a loved one. So youve got that on your side.
She will be ordered to give that money back or face jail time. Either that or she can come back, and you can take her to grieve counseling so that she can learn how to deal with her feelings. Some people are just too afraid to make that step, to ask for help, and if you love her the way it sounds like you do then youll pick up the phone, get her to agree to come back (using whatever excuse you need to use right now) and get into counseling. either marriage or grieve, counseling both will work.
Whatever her reactions are, stay calm, dont let your emotions over come you because you need to be the rational one here right now. It sounds like she needs you to be strong for her.
good luck ; )
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First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. I am sorry about what is happening to you. I beseech you not to do anything stupid! Please put those pills away! Your wife is likely suffering from PTSD. She is likely having an emotional breakdown after everything that she went through. I would reach out to your son in law and grandchildren and ask for their help with this. Don't forget about them. Given the circumstances, I think that your wife just blew a fuse. I mean, who wouldn't?! I lost someone in my family to cancer as well. But, my inability to grieve at the appropriate times caused me severe panic attacks and I had to get on medication for some time because I felt incapacitated by the rush of constant adrenaline. Had these circumstances not occurred, I think my perception would be different. I know that you are hurting, but everyone here needs you! I will keep you and your family in my prayers <3
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I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. No one could ever expect one's partner to betray one like that. Sometimes, the ones we love behave in unexpected ways, and it doesn't matter how long we have known them.
It sounds as if your wife had some sort of psychological breakdown as she was taking care of your daughter. I don't think anyone can say your relationship will be the same as it used to, but you should think of your other children, Kristen and Jeffrey, and think of Barb's legacy--surely Barb would have wanted you to stay strong and live on. You still have much joy to look forward to: remembering and celebrating Barb's life, Jeffrey and Kristen graduating from university and embarking on their own adventures, possible grandchildren, creating memories with your friends, etc.
I don't know if you have already tried to reason with your wife, but if she is not open to reason, you may have to prepare to take care of YOURSELF. Typically, joint accounts are meant to be distributed evenly, so you should think about reaching out to her or taking it to court if you need the financial support from her having taken those drastic measures.
You need to stay strong and take care of yourself first, mentally physically and emotionally. It will not be easy, but ending your life is NO answer! If anything, there are many moments in our lives when we overcome difficulty, only to come out as better people. Please think of your daughter Barb, who had her life ahead of her--she would want you to see past the pain in order to stand tall again.
I'm only a random stranger on the internet, but please, if you want to talk more, I cannot recommend enough the counselors at 1-800-273-TALK. They can help you in even more ways than I can. We may be strangers, but know that we all face difficult events in our lives, and that I am sending you all my well wishes so that you can seek out a happy outlet for yourself. Stand tall, stranger. Stand tall again.
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Hey sweetheart, I could never understand what you're going through but I'm here for you. All I can do is tell you to pray and I'll pray too but you need to take this into legal matters. She has no right to take all the money okay? And from what I'm hearing, it sounds like shes the one cheating on you because nobody would be so emotional over something so obviously false if that person wasn't guilty. Write me back and tell me it's you so I can give you my kik or number if you need anymore help.
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Don't kill yourself I hope you went to the doctor after taking them!!! Your wife may already know that you have been unfaithful and may only want a friend around during this difficult time. You should be straight forward with her instead of ending your life.
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I think the main thing is that you definitely do not risk spending time alone right now. Find some friends or relatives to be around as much as you possibly can. And in a more lucid moment, find the phone number of an agency which will let you speak to a counsellor at any time. You know what I mean. The agencies who help with depression and suicidal thoughts. Because it sounds to me very much like you are in the grip of one and very vulnerable to the other. Please keep the number handy, or with you at all times. You have the means, and a plan. This is a bad place to be. I appreciate that life has given you a very rough deal lately. Your wife's reaction to all that stress (the acute suspicion/paranoia, and leaving) are awful. But ending YOUR life would be even worse. It's clearly not a case of 'pull yourself together and sort things out'. Depression does not work like that. It's a dark and lonely place. It's real. As dark as it seems though, there is a way through it. Keep talking about things. To friends, relatives and professional counsellors. There is only one thing bigger than your depression, and that thing is TIME. But you've got to stay around, and stay on the scene to give time a chance. You're badly damaged, but NOT BROKEN beyond repair. That strong will is still part of you. And throw those tablets down the toilet and flush the damn thing right now.
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I am so terribly sorry you have been though such an awful time, I am not surprised you are feeling things are so hopeless right now.
Your daughter's illness was such a tragic thing to happen and your wife was right on the front line with it. You could only see her at weekends and the rest of the time she had to deal with that heartbreaking situation without you. No wonder she appeared to age so dramatically. All that, combined with what you have said about her behaviour once she was back home makes makes me wonder if she was suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This does not only affect soldiers, it can found in people who have been through any major trauma, which you both have but your wife was exhausted as well and being there for that whole three months would make her more vulnerable to it. PTSD has a variety of symptoms, you could google them to see if there are any others you recognise, but one of the big ones is irrational and paranoid thinking. Maybe, following the loss of your daughter, she struggled on for a while but then something pushed her into abandoning her life. It could have been something small and nothing which came from you but it would have been that last straw pushing her into leaving so suddenly and dramatically. She needs help but if you don't know where she is that would be a problem. Have you considered contacting the police? If the balance of her mind is disturbed at the moment they would be more likely to look for her. It would also be a relief to you to know where she is and how she is and if she needs medical help she could then get it.
I understand that right now the future is looking very bleak but if you consider the possibility your wife is sick and not in control of her actions, thoughts and words right now it might help you to carry on. Taking those pills as the doctor prescribed is a start, taking them all at once is not the answer you think it is. It can be painful, it can be messy, it might not kill you but leave you with a serious health problem. You also run the risk of your wife coming back and finding you no longer here. What do you think that would do to her? You have other children, how do you think they would feel? I know when people get this bad they think their families would be better off without them but it's really not the case.
You need help and you need it now. Go back to your doctor and tell them everything you've written here, don't leave anything out especially the last part. Is there a friend, family member even a clergyman you can talk to who will listen and comfort you? You need someone with you right now for support, don't be afraid to ask for help, we all have to at some point and it's not something to worry about.
I really hope she comes home and you are able to sort all this out. You both have been through so much, don't give up now. Please talk to someone and get the help you need and then you will get back that will to live. Good luck
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Hi there,
Oh gosh,so much to say,and some things to go unsaid,I'm so sorry to hear about all this.
Elaine is right now is reacting in state of shock due to Barb's passing,when an event happens in our lives that takes us by shock or by trauma can leave us in a state of devastation,our minds tend to make up things that arent there,and vast cloudiness takes place in our judgement. It is also an outlet to deal to run away from the trauma or event that has happened. Your wife's mind,created scenario's only she saw,due in part of her extreme grief. It would have been best to seek grief counseling on her part. I strongly recommend,if you can seeking the advice of an attorney,to see what can be what can done as soon as possible.Close your bank account immediately,any and all assests your wife may have access to at this time,freeze her out of them,because she can take more if her name is written on any financial documents you may have. It appears that your wife,with all due respect,it showing signs of a mental illness due to her deep grief of loss,and severe depression.Behaviors like this are actually quite common,loosing the proper thinking of one's mind.Elaine needs a proffesional in her life for grief counseling to get over her loss. Please consult an attorney. And a counseor if possible.I wish you the best of luck! And hope your situation turns around for you!
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I believe there is a very real possibility the stress of your daughters death coupled with the physical strain of caregiving and doing all the chores was just to much for your wife at 71 years of age. It sounds as though she is becoming forgetful and a bit paranoid and delusional as well. This could simply be a result of the stress or it could be early stage Alzheimer's or senile dementia. It is very important that your wife see a medical doctor ASAP. If she won't take this suggestion from you enlist the help of your children or the agency on aging in your area. I know you are in a lot of pain right now but please try to focus on the big picture. Your wife is not well and seeing that she receives medical attention is your first priority. You also need to contact an attorney, explain that your wife may be suffering from some type of dementia and see what can be done to retrieve the money safely. If she isn't thinking clearly she could lose it all in the blink of an eye! If she is starting to suffer from dementia she is going to need your love and support more than ever. I think in the meantime you should get some counseling for your own depression. If you are religious this would also be a good time to enlist the help of your minister. Perhaps your wife would be willing to listen to him. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please try to gather your strength and take care of yourself. Remember, no matter how this works out you CAN still have a good life.
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The loss of someone very dear to us is unbearable. Especially the loss of a child. Children are not meant to die before the parents. When it does happen, the parents have to cope with this unreasonable tragedy that was not meant to happen. It changes us. It turns our world upside down. Don't think so much about what she has done, but why she is doing it. Delusions and paranoia can be triggered with depression. I experienced it after my second child. She needs medical treatment. It may be hard to cope and it is certainly easier said than done, but I don't think she was in the right mind. I know it seems impossible to see that any good can come of this, but we are faced with challenges to help our strength sometimes it feels like we can't go on because of this immense pain weighing us down. Committing suicide wouldnt make the pain go away, but transfer to someone else. Think of your kin. Would it make things worse for them? Probably would. Before you can do any of this, you need to find your inner strength. It is in there.
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I am terribly sorry this has all happened to you. I know what it's like for everything to just come down hard all at once and you see no way out except through death but that isn't true. I think your wife is suffering with schizophrenia (mood swings? Maybe bipolar too) because my dad has has bipolar schizophrenia for 20 years now and though his accusations were more towards other people that aren't in the family, they were still just as bizarre. Your wife Needs medication and maybe even to be hospitalized if it gets any worse (which they can only do if they are a danger to themselves or others) if she gets medication than she can come back to reality and things could be okay again so you would have thrown it all away. You cannot give up. First things first you need to switch stuff in your bank account so she can no longer access it. Do you have any other kids? Maybe you could stay with them or a friend or other family until you can get back on your feet or something? The stress and pressure of your daughters passing is obviously what caused this break in your wife. It could be fixed. You still have more to live for. There is an entire plan for everyone and yours has not yet run out. You must keep going. If not for yourself, then for the people in your life. You were given your life because you are strong enough to handle it. Please do not make a permanent mistake because of a temporary fix in your life. Talk to someone and get help to help you get by.
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First of all don't even think about hurting yourself that's not the answer , you should look at this like a blessing , god has a plan for you ,first I would go to your local church and talk to the priest . they have a lot of experience in this type of situation .there are a lot of support groups to help you threw this ,this would be the time to focus on yourself ,a new beginning for you .I don't want to sound insensitive , but you have to find inner strength to help you threw . you can make this turn out to benefit you , talking to a licensed therapist they will know how to point you in the right direction . remember god has a plan for you have faith .just take one day at a time , and do positive things to help yourself , there is many people with the same and worse situations , but you find strength in yourself by talking with others . get back to me anytime ,billy
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Dear married 52 years:
I've read your letter carefully, several times. It's clear to me that your life, as you've always lived it, has changed so radically, that now, you don't seem to be able to find the strength to carry on.
However, suicide is a mistake. It's such a serious mistake that you can’t ever make up or atone for it. If you do it, you'll be forever remembered as the one who gave up, the one who couldn’t hack it, the one who quit.
I'd like to suggest that there's a better course of action. Before you do anything drastic, please call 1-800-273-8255. You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7. I believe that after the call, you'll find the resources to do the things that have to be done.
You should contact legal aid in your area to help you file for divorce and have the court return to you your share of the money that your wife took.
I'm going to leave it at this for now but I do care, so if you like, you can write to me again anytime.
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My condolences on the loss of your daughter.
You have had a rough few. I understand where you're at for the moment but you can and will survive this that I can promise you.
I am not a doctor though from what you have written I would think it possible that with all the stress your wife was under while caring for your daughter and her family; she may have suffered a mini-stroke. This would account for her sudden change in behavior towards you.
There are three things you need to know at once that will have an immediate effect on how you fell and put life back somewhat on an even keel.
1. Start taking the pills the doctor gave you AS DIRECTED ON THE BOTTLE ONLY.
2. See a lawyer and have the lawyer file papers to have your wife return the money she took from your joint accounts. In most states she is only entitled to half so she will be ordered to return the other half. Since you are or could be considered destitute the courts might consider hearing this on an emergency petition. which means you could have the money back within the next 30 to 45 days.
3. You need to see a doctor about how your feeling. IF you family doctor gave you the antidepressant pills I would recommend you see a Board Certified psychiatrist as depression of the type you are suffering from while not a mental disorder is caused by a lack of a hormone secreted into the brain.
This hormone helps us is the one that keeps us from becoming more than what is consider normally depressed. There are times when this hormone is insufficient to deal with the depression and the psychiatrist is the best medical doctor to deal with the problem as they have had special training.
The psychiatrist will then recommend talk therapy with a psychologist who you can talk with to get things off your chest and who can help you deal with the problems you are dealing with.
Next try and get your wife to see a neurologist to be examined to see if she has suffered a stroke as I believe she has. If I am correct there are therapies and medication that will help her get back to the wife of 52 years you know and love. I'm fairly certain her change in demeanor is not towards you alone. Talk with the grandchildren and see if they see a change in her. Get them to help you get your wife to a doctor.
Last but most important. If you still feel suicidal pick up the phone and dial 911 instead. There are people who will come to you who will help you.
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A drastic personality change like this suggests that there is something organic (physiological) going on here. It could be dementia, early stage alzheimer's or a host of other possibilities. Of course, depression could also cause these extreme behavioral changes. It's a shame that you couldn't have found a way to have her evaluated earlier. There's still time if you can suggest that there may be something biological going on with her. Do not accuse her. Time to step up and realize that this may not be about you at all. As for your depression, you clearly need help too. Aging sucks and it's not for sissies. It's a tragic story you tell but you can turn it around. Do not succumb to resignation!
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I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this.
I think it's safe to say that your wife was looking for reasons to leave you. Why? only God knows but after living a completely different life for the time she was caring for your daughter and her family how do you get things back to normal?
What do you do now? It's hard to pick up your life again after going through something like that. So try to be understanding .
As for you ... well you come first. You have your life and even though your family life has been shaken up this is not your end. Your story doesn't have to end this way!!! I hope you realize this after all these years that you deserve to leave this world when it's your time! Don't take this into your own hands.
I know you are probably thinking at this age what's the point?? Well you do have a family so you have LOVE! Your wife is grieving but believe it or not she still loves you. So So much!!! So much that she couldn't even tell you to your face her truth she had to make excuses so she wouldn't hurt you. Even though her decision still hurts. If you speak to her again , don't fight , let her vent and just tell her you love her . It helps to hear it.
I'm pretty sure there are some things left you wanted to do in this life? Maybe some of them seem little or insignificant but they are not if they mean anything to you. This is how you get your spark for life back! Don't take this for granted. Not everyone can say they have been around this long. As long as there is air in your lungs you keep living and enjoying everything life has to offer!!! Your age is only a number it does NOT restrict you from having happiness!!!! You still deserve it all! Please believe that! I believe it for you . I don't gain a thing by telling you to keep going . It's going to be ok. I know it will and once you believe this you will find your way again.
Sending you lots of hugs and my love!!!
you are going to be great! And also give your mind and your body some rest. There are some
beautiful days ahead for you so be ready :)
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Sir,
With due respect to your age and experience, I might sound to young and practical and hence pardon me for my words if at all I use any wrong words.
Firstly , the basic question Did it ever in life cross your mind to bounce off on her and mingle with someone else, have you by any chance truly had an affair?
The reason for such a question is that Past will never leave the shadows and it should not affect your future.
Secondly, in the worst of your dreams do you think that your wife by any chance can date anyone at this age which might be the cause that she has flung with the Cash.
The situation has reached a stage where divorce is going to throw a bad note on a 52 years long marriage.
Can you get some intermediary Family Friend , family doctor or some known person who can reach a consensus , though at this age pitching in of externals in Marriage Matters might result in a humorous situation but your well wishers would want to see you'll together and if it works nothing better.
Try the above and contact me dhavalrsarvaiya@gmail.com
M - +91 9022121987
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My advice: Flush those pills down the toilet and call emergency services immediately. Your time on this earth is not finished.
Psychic prediction: You have known great love in your life. There is still time for you to experience that great love again. Contact Elaine to tell her that you want her back. If you call her repeatedly, she will eventually answer you and agree to meet up to discuss this. Ask her what she needs in order to feel safe with you. Promise her that you will never spend so much time apart again. At this point, it will become obvious to you that she is having a mental health break. Urge her to seek professional help. Get in contact with your daughter. She does not have much time left on this earth. Spend time with her. Channel your love and energy towards your daughter and you will find meaning in your life again.
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First off i would like to give my condolences for your daughter Barb. Losing someone to a medical reason is just to awful to experience,
I give props to your wife for moving in with her to help her be comfortable in a time of great pain.
I totally get feeling empty and lost. When i was seperated from one of my exs years ago i was devistated. Thought what is life without them.. what is joy with out them.. what is the point.
Let me tell you. There is a point. She was not meant to be. Some days will be hard. Some days will be great. But little by little it will get more bareable. You will think of them less as time goes on and on.
One website that i have gone back to time and time again to getw through tough pain and situations.
Www.healmybrokenheart.com
even if you just read the emails they will help.
Good much
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First, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter and the demise of your marriage. Reading your story, I can tell you 1 of 2 things are going on.
1.) Your wife is experiencing extreme stress. Stress can do a lot of things to the brain, especially if maybe your daughter confided in her that she was experiencing infidelity in her marriage. If you think it is more of this, then I would try meditation. Try to search for the best way to ease her mind.
2.) This one is what I truly think is going on. Your wife and yourself are really getting up there. And I believe that stress can induce dementia. It sounds like your wife is going through episodes. Some people get dementia when they want to forget. The passing of your daughter coupled with the intense amount of stress Barb was experiencing could definitely bring on these type of episodes. Now if this is the case, I would go into the doctors office for a diagnosis (only). Don't start any medication. Dementia , especially stress induced, can be helped naturally. One option is some form of therapy.
Good luck to you. Your Barb is still there. She is just a little overwhelmed right now. Just stay patient. Stay calm. She is still the woman you love and who loves you.
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