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He broke my trust and now I keep thinking that he'll cheat.
21/f, 28/m
I've been dating this guy for the past 8-9 months. He has lied to me three times and each time he has broken my trust. Each time, we were trying to rebuild trust and trying to make things work. He has convinced me to stay because he called them "bad choices" or "bad mistakes." Those lies and mistakes that he has made, has done damage that also made me question his loyalty. But he did not completely go off and cheat on me. The worst thing he did was tell his ex-girlfriend that he missed her.
Since then, he's been telling me that he has moved on and he no longer thinks about her. He's been reassuring me, telling me that he likes me, he sends me kissy faces, he told me that he's been trying to become more available for me, that he desperately wanted to rebuild trust with me, and to become closer to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to be my "home," because I told him that I no longer have that someone that was like my "home." He even looked up an article that would somewhat help to open us both up and become vulnerable. He thought it would be worth a try.
I'm not sure if it's because he broke my trust so many times in such a short time, I can't see what he's doing. But my sister told me that she could tell that he was trying. Even though he tries to be there for me and tells me everything, I still feel insecure and think that he's constantly cheating when he's not next to me. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to think that he's cheating. He tells me what he does that day (because we've always done that), but for some reason, I think he's lying.
Is this going to take time for me to acknowledge/believe that he's not lying? Is it going to take time for me to regain trust for him? Do you have any advice on what I should do or any suggestions that would help? Thanks.
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I can see he's trying, yes. However, I can also see how it's possible he still has feelings for his ex and you can see that in him.
The problem is that you're not yet at a point where you trust your instincts. I'm not saying he's cheating, but I think he might have deep feelings for someone else and given the right level of privacy or whatever, he might easily cheat or he easily might not.
Either way, what's clear is that you're not happy and the relationship is stressful, but you sound like you're at a point in your life where this is the relationship you look back on and realize that "if I feel this way, it's unhealthy."
I don't know that you're strong enough to walk away, though it sounds like you should. You sound actually maybe one or two straws before the last straw, disrespect-wise, though you might stay 10 or 20 straws longer because this sounds like a first major relationship thing. Here's what I mean.
He's definitely playing both fields but in a selfish and hidden way. He's faithful to you and tries to make your relationship good b/c you're his gf, yet you shouldn't have to try that hard. He has clear feelings for her that you, someone that loves and knows him can see, but it tears you apart to admit that to yourself so you don't. You just sit there in limbo or waiting and hoping one day it will feel completely different.
Then though he doesn't go out and cheat with those feelings, he's emotionally distant when he feels them, which is a form of abuse. Withholding emotion, yet hanging around you, dragging things down etc.
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Dear Trust Factor,
Yes mistakes can be made and things can be said that can be forgiven. But when those things start making you feel insecure about yourself then you have to start looking at your life and seeing what you want but also making sure no one ever makes you feel that way again. And staying with someone who tells their ex that they miss them is beyond me because you are not even in the equation. Never settle for second best with someone when there is a person out there who's #1 you will be. If someone starts lying about little things then what makes you think they won't get any bigger and why would you ever be with someone who has to justify things by lying? And if you have to question whether or not they are then you are either not secure with yourself or secure with that person so then you have to step back and look at that and ask yourself... IS THIS WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE?
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I don't know the specific actions that occurred to break the trust, but I'm going to try to the best of my ability to help. The only way for a relationship to work is to communicate. If there is no communication, you have nothing. Do you love him? If you do, then you will be trying your hardest to fix things. Trusting somebody again is hard, very difficult. I had that problem with my best friend where she lied and i tried so hard to trust her again, but i couldn't, it was too hard. If you feel like you have a whole lot of unnecessary stress because you can't trust, you need to break it off not matter how hard it is. Let me know if i can help you with anything else!
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Did the two of you at the beginning of the relationship each spell out your expectations before entering the relationship, or at any time during it sit and have such a talk? If not, you cannot assume the other is on the same page with you.
That's like your parents when you were a kid, not telling you what the rules or boundaries are, assuming you were old enough to figure out what is and is not acceptable, and just wait to pounce on you the moment you did something that didn't match up to their expectations. It's not fair.
Should a guy know better? Or should a girl? Young people haven't figured out how important this piece of information is and why there is confusion and problems that arise. Some people are dating not to make a commitment straight off to one person. I'm female and after a divorce, I knew what I wanted and wanted to avoid, you can't tell from what they say about themselves, you have to spend ti,me with them to discover if they are who they say they are. It's after some time dating that the mask slips and you get to see the real person. I believe dating comes in two stages, dating around, meaning you date a person who have interest in but are keeping your options open to see if you meet someone even more perfect for you or maybe still in the stages of discovering what you like and don't like. When another hasn't come along that you want to check out, you stick with the one you have, I did this, and had sex with two of the guys even, not all but married neither. They were nice people but there were enough things on my list of what I was hoping for that they didn't meet. Instead of settling quickly for them and possibly settling for less, I kept my options open, something more guys do than girls and the BIG difference is that I was upfront with them as to what I was doing when we met the FIRST time and they were okay with that. It's more a thing of your mind, your thoughts and emotions not getting up there, knowing this doesnt mean the person has 'Committed' to you yet to date only you, and that stage is for the purpose of deciding whether to stay together forever, life long whether married or not. You and he need to have a good talk and get out your ideas of what dating is. What stage of dating he is in, what your expectations and rules are for each other regarding the opposite sex and perhaps it will all make it easier for you. Some people don't want their partner to acknowledge the presence of a good looking person They're not supposed to look at or even talk to a person of the opposite sex. This usually means great insecurity in the person with this rule in their mind. And that brings in jealousy. It's a different story if the person goes out of their way to keep contact with other females IF they have committed to date just you and are no longer in the looking/search mode. If other people, women and men and commitments like school, job, are taking priority over you and you're not one of his top 3 priorities, then he is either making a grave error in how he treats you due to not knowing any better or he just isn't all that into you. You mention him pulling out an article to go over. It can mean he is sincerely trying but it could also be to appease you and make you calm down again to believe all is well. I can't say whether he can be trusted or not. That is something you are going to have to figure out yourself through experience. At his age, he should have a clear idea of knowing what he is looking for and know when he is at the point of loving one person enough to commit to them.
It is fair to let him know that you do not trust him and why. You discovering him talking to an old girlfriend and saying he misses her is one thing he wasn't thinking about the repercussions to. It may be that he misses something like one or two things about her but not the whole package deal. there are reasons why they are not together any longer. Do not assume he misses her to the point that he loves her over you. the objective in dating is to find a person always a step better with your next bf/gf. This means you look for someone with the qualities you do like about an ex, but you also look for someone who doesnt have the shortcomings of the last person. My 2nd husband has an ex who was orphaned and has no family other than him, their one daughter and her Father in law from that marriage. When she has need of a shoulder to cry on, she'll call to talk to him as they broke up as friends knowing they each needed someone else from that point on in their life, and they care about each other as friends. I could list all the things I know that irritate her about him or him about her. But what counts is, that my husband never made his ex as secret, that fact that some people from his past, males and femals, he considers as family and the females are treated with the kind of love and respect he'd give to his mom and sister. I know all the area's in which I far exceed his ex and in which area's we are alike. Those are few. I've talked to her. She absolutely after all this time knows she could never live with and be married to someone like him. He's wonderful man, they just didnt have the best chemistry as friends and clashed on a lot of things. This is the kind of stuff, which if you knew the answers to, and he compliments you lots and what he loves about you, that you would feel secure with him. But I'd have to say its almost impossible if not present. So now that you have my example of the kind of details that could help you, go for it in conversation. I never approach him with an accusatory or doubting demeanor. If I did, I may not have learned as much as I did, so quickly. I was truly curios and would ask him to describe his old girlfriends, from when he started as a teen. All the major relationships I know in detail. You may not need that but you do need something from him that he does not realize you need to hear from him. So figure out what you want to hear and know that would help you to trust him again and go for it. If you spell out what you want him to do, if he talked to some girl casually in passing today, to let you know about it as it is just a part of his day, and nothing to hide from you as she meant nothing. If you catch him staring at a female while out with you, don't be afraid to ask, "What is it about her that catches your interest?" I have learned my guy likes to study people and personality something from a psych. background. So often he's watching to see how a person will react to a situation happening to them and explains it out to me, or maybe she's my body type and he like the outfit, it compliments her body type and I have nothing like that, and he wants to know how I'd look in something like that. If I don't like the looks, style or color, I tell him , If I like it, I am willing to look for it to try on. Often there can be reasonable explanations if you ask for them. But he will always be building you up with words even when there is no such situation going on. Hope this helps you
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Do what your gut tells you.
Within a short time span of 8-9 months, your "partner"--if you can call him that--has betrayed your trust several times. You don't need to try so hard to forgive him--if one cannot trust ones partner in the relationship, that relationship can no longer be sustained.
When you describe yourself as feeling insecure and not wanting to feel this way because your partner is "trying", I think you're putting a heavy responsibility on YOUR shoulders to force yourself to accepting his efforts. But it is completely natural you'd feel this way; anyone would feel distrustful and insecure about a relationship with an unfaithful partner.
On top of all that, telling his ex-gf that he misses her is a sign that he hasn't moved on from his past. And when someone hasn't yet moved on from the past, he/she isn't ready to move into the future. Your partner is dwelling on the shoulda/woulda/couldas of his previous relationship, causing him to frequently cheat on you. And while there may be some debate on this, I personally believe that someone engaging in this sort of behavior with an ex constitutes a form of cheating--emotional cheating. He's treating you like a convenient rebound; he misses his ex but can no longer be with her, so he stays with you without fully being able to commit because he misses her. It's a hot mess all around, and he needs to figure sh-tuff out.
I think you're seeking validation for the way you're currently thinking and feeling, and you sound like you want an extra boost to push you in the direction you already seem to want to go--which is to leave him. And I'd root for you all the way; heck, I'm the type to leave after one bout of cheating, much less three! You're probably thinking he's trying so hard and you love him and you don't think there's another man quite like him--no, no, no--trust me when I say that you can ALWAYS do better than a man that cheats and is hung up on his ex. Because a man like that isn't ready for a serious relationship with you.
You can do it. Good luck.
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