Member Since: February 18, 2015
Answers: 19
Last Update: May 19, 2015
Visitors: 1445
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It's gross, especially when it's overt and/or persistant. I thought a relationship was meant to be between 2 people? Why do some couples try to get other people's attention? I noticed yesterday at the mall. There was this interracial couple all over each other, as we stood in line at this food place, and i'd focus on other things but they'd sometimes look back with this look on their face line they want their relationship to interest people, incite anger or jealousy, etc. it was awkward for me, directly behind them, and others in line. I have no problem with any couple, interracial, gay, lesbian, transgender, one young and one old, etc. I'm happy others can find love and be in relationships. I'm not jealous either, it's just uncomfortable to essentially be viewing foreplay without consent. There were children in line, too. Some people seem to get a sexual thrill out of people seeing their pda and that just seems sick and self centered. It makes me understand why there are countries that ban it. (link)
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Haha. I had to lol on this one at first because I've had that experience as a black woman where a couple with a black man and a white woman seem to think I'm going to get upset they're together.
I'm the type of person that has dated other races before and I date who I love, so I really don't care, but I always find it hilarious because they really just don't know me and it happens so often. Anyway, that's not really part of the advice part, I just had to share it because your question instantly made me laugh and think of that; and it's totally awkward sometimes when they do it.
However, in answer to your question, first, I think sometimes people do feel overcome with love or lust and do it sometimes. However, when people do it all the time, I do think that some people get a sexual thrill out of it. I also think most of the time these couples are miserable and don't really realize it. They're not self aware enough, so they have to, "bring other people into their relationship," in a way by getting their attention.
Like if they're home alone together, (if they admit it to themselves), they're usually unhappy; or something deep down is making them unhappy about the relationship, like some sort of suspicion of infidelity, money issue, lack of physical attraction or unfulfilled expectations etc -- something they're masking. It's like bringing excessive partying or other things into a relationship and being unable to be happy together without it. It's like beer goggles that come off the morning after. They just never take them off.
They don't realize it, but they don't love each other without someone else there making them feel naughty or, (most often), superior, whatever it is. It's a rush that some people get.
It's the same principle behind why some people are addicted to the rougher reality and talk shows like Maury and Jerry Springer. Yes, they're funny sometimes, if you're flipping channels or watch it with friends every once in a while. However, if someone's so into it all the time because they think the guest's misery is funny, then the guest's misery is somehow making that person feel better about their life, which -- if they need that -- means they're miserable in a way, they might not even realize.
Like I said, we've all been so enamored with someone before we've felt like we couldn't keep our hands off them from time to time, but no one feels like that all the time in every situation. Especially, not in family friendly stores and restaurants etc. So it's not that.
It's also the same principle behind a person that thrives on gossiping about others or a woman that only dates attached men and often refuses to date single men.
Their relationships are actually thriving on the other person not the person they're in a relationship with. Their relationship is actually thriving on superiority, judgment, theft, victimization, and on being able to be above the other person or taking from that person. So in that way, you're right. It feels like a violation because it is.
They get off on violating others. If they didn't, they'd keep it in their bedroom if they wanted to do it on a regular basis like hourly, if it was just something that made them privately happy.
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hi hope you can help me i'm a 15 year old male i'm a devout christian i love god with all my heart and i wanna be a better christian and devote my life to god i want to help people to get closer to god i wantto start to spread god's word i'm a bit nervous not sure where to start but i want to start talkinhg to people about god maybe start with people that i know not sure how do i go about it? (link)
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Well, the first thing I learned is that there's always someone right around you that you could be affecting in a positive way with your Faith.
By living out your Faith in front of friends and family, you are making an impact. When I first became a Christian, I first even considered going to church because of an encounter with God's Grace first. But second, I remembered other people in my family going to church every Sunday, and one time my Grandmother sent me a book of Prayers when I was in college. I was sad at the time and I really liked them. It was a full 9 years or more before I actually went to church on purpose to decide if this was really the path to God. (Incidentally, because I wasn't raised in Christ, I tried out all the major faiths up until this point without finding what I felt was the Truth).
However, because of that example, it didn't feel unnatural to, "check church out," when the time came.
It was never anything they said interestingly enough. Just those two things she did actually became part of my initial decision.
Next, look around your home again. What kinder things should you be doing when it comes to younger siblings or other family members or neighbors. Do you spend Saturday playing video games in your room when you could be taking a little brother or sister to a cool museum downtown? Are you watching music videos or reality shows when you could be playing Monopoly with other family members? etc. People are surprised usually. Their first thought is find a mission field. However, before you do that, God has already given you a mission that's right around you usually, that most people don't realize.
Next, find a place to volunteer on a regular basis. Make sure it's something that your parents approve of. Start there, make that regular commitment to one or two places throughout the week. You'll start to learn your strengths and talents that God has given you. Are you a good listener? Do you like to build or work with your hands? Can you tutor or help with complicated subject matter? Are you a pastor? Are you best at street evangelism? By the time you're 18, you'll have an idea of where God wants you to be in His Kingdom and what steps to take next. It might be a mission field in the jungle or down the street from your house. So it's important to keep that in mind.
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I am a 20 year old female, I work at a grocery store with a twenty two year old male. I already know this is going to be lengthy... sorry.
When he first started working at the store, he was just a cashier, like me. Now, I know when I first started working, it made a world of difference that someone came up to me on my first day and introduced themselves, told me I'd do great and kind of became my first friend there. So I did that with him on his first day. Ever since, he and I would talk a lot, more so than he to any other cashier. A few months after he was just a cashier, he was asked to become the cashier's supervisor, which he accepted. Since I'm in college, I work night shifts so it was nice coming in to work and seeing his car in the parking lot, knowing he was working the night with me. Usually, I noticed as well, that he would put me on register 11 - the register that he spends his free time at, checking the schedule or counting money - so we could talk. Or he would put me on the self checkouts so we could talk as well. One day when I was on 11, I was looking at the schedule and saw the last three initials of his name and I finally put two and two together after working together for months that I knew this kid since I was 6 and he was 8, because we used to go to church together. When he came back over, I told him and he even told me he knew the three initials of my last name were familiar to him as well. One day I was joking with him that I over heard two cashiers talking that he and I were dating and I just laughed it off because we get that a lot. As I was telling him that, another cashier over heard and said we should just go out already and his response was "We can't, I'm her supervisor."
A few weeks after that, our store manager asked him if he could go around and hang signs because he's tall and quiet so she knew he could do it in a timely matter, seeming as he wouldn't stop to chit chat, that kinda thing. Then came time for inventory, she saw how well he did on sign hanging so she gave him a shot at inventory and he did that well too. So, a few weeks later, he was promoted to a zoning supervisor of the entire front end, including the grocery in the check out aisles, candy, cigarettes, batteries - as opposed to just a supervisor of the humans that work up front. So he told me the news and I was happy for him but I told him it's going to suck having him go elsewhere, but he told me that even though he moved from front end, to technically department 82, he'll still be up front and he'll still be able to boss me around. Since moving departments, I still see him around sometimes and he always makes an effort to stop and talk to me, whether it be for five seconds or five minutes, just like an I-moved-departments-but-I-said-I'd-still-be-here kinda thing.
Since him moving departments, I've been talking a lot to my other supervisor. The one I knew since I was little will be A and his friend (my other supervisor) will be B. Now, B will tell me stories about how A doesn't really want to date anyone because his last girlfriend was crazy or how they would got to comic-con together and he would get a weird drawing and he would laugh and say "Oh, this will definitely keep the girls away." But everything he tells me about A, he doesn't really do that with me. Like, A will talk to other cashiers but not for extended periods of time whereas if I'm on self checkout, he will stop and talk to me until he no longer can. This past weekend, A was asked to go to another store to help them with their inventory, so he did and when he came back to our store to clock out, he saw me at self checkout and stopped to talk to me about his day at the other store and everything he had to do and I counted that he was there, talking to me, off the clock for 45 minutes. After those 45 minutes, we saw a manager running through the store and A thought he should leave because he didn't want to get me in trouble for talking and not doing my job, he heard on his walkie that there was an accident outside and someone had to call 911. I told him to let me know what happened but I was expecting him to the next time we saw him but he went out and came back in just to tell me and then he left again.
It's just little things that I notice he does with me but not with anyone else that makes me think he could be into me:
-even though he isn't my supervisor anymore and I have a question and I see him, he'll help me with it but he'll tell other cashiers that he can't help them because he isn't their supervisor
-he always jokes around with me... my cousin is a vendor for our store so they work together doing stocking and when he found out who she was to me, he told her that his job all night was to boss me around but he's the only one that can
-he tells me about not work related things, like his puppy or issues he had with his dad and why his parents go divorced
-there's a cashier up front that has a huge crush on him and she'll take pictures of him and put them on Facebook and he always complains to me about how that freaks him out but be knows that I take pictures of him and put them on my snapchat but that doesn't bother him at all
-back when he was my supervisor and anybody that wasn't me was on 11, he wouldn't spend any time back there whereas when he had me on 11, that's always where you could find him
-he lets me complain to him about the weird guys at work that hit on me and he laughs and jokes back that they suck and I need someone better
-I had just recently gotten glasses, even though he has glasses too, he'll call me a nerd and four eyes
-the one day he was working on a battery display right in front of my self checkout and he told one of the other workers that the tags are stuck inside the holder and that he can't get them out because he doesn't have nails, so she went over to help him, then someone else went over to help and by five minutes, he had four girls around the display helping him and he stopped working on it and came over and talked to me, smirked and said "that's how you supervise"
-after his battery display got finished, he had a cart full of zip ties that he had to sort through, at this time I was on my break and he came over and sat with me and asked how many zip ties I thought he had so I guessed and he sat with me and talked to me while he counted all of them
-he told me one day about a girl that got his number and wouldn't leave him alone so he asked her out and made the date as uncomfortable as possible for her so she wouldn't bother him again (almost like he drives girls away that he doesn't like but he never tried anything like that with me before)
But then there's things that make me think he doesn't:
-my schedule got messed up one day and before I drove in for no reason, I was going to ask him if he could help me fix it, but I realized I didn't have his number so I went in the next day and joked about how I had to drive into work on my day off to get my schedule straightened out because I didn't have his number to help me... he didn't even offer to give it to me after
-(no lectures, please) I told him one day that all of my over aged friends were busy one night and couldn't get me something to drink for a party that I was going to and I joked with him again that I knew he was off and he could've gotten me something but I didn't have his number again...he asked me what I wanted to drink because he was just finishing work and he could get it for me, I told him someone else already got it for me and he still didn't offer me his number
-buuuut, during conversations with him, he takes his phone out and plays with it right in front of me, maybe hinting at something, I don't know
I actually probably just made him sound like the biggest asshole ever, hahaha. But he really isn't. He just has a very joke-y demeanor and if he doesn't like you, he has no problem showing it. So, do you think that's him just being friendly to me since we knew each other for so long? Or do you think he may be interested? Am I being insane and just thinking too hard about this? Thanks! (link)
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Okay. He does act like he likes you. However, some people flirt at work and school and it means nothing. It sucks, so don't find out the hard way. Keep your wits about you. You've already shown yourself to be smart and observant by questioning his motives and posting a question in the first place.
People like this often cringe at taking a relationship to a next level, yet publicly they act like your spouse. He sounds like he can easily that type of person.
However, if you're asking him to buy you liquor and you're underaged, that's not an indicator of anything. I mean expecting someone to do something illegal for you like that isn't a sign that he doesn't like you.
However, maybe some of the other times you hinted that you didn't have his number might have been an indicator though. Just b/c you might be okay with your underage drinking, doesn't mean that others in society are. You'd be surprised how conservative many people are, especially some men when it comes to the girls they actually plan to seriously date.
Secondly, I just wouldn't deal with him. You wrote this:
"-he told me one day about a girl that got his number and wouldn't leave him alone so he asked her out and made the date as uncomfortable as possible for her so she wouldn't bother him again (almost like he drives girls away that he doesn't like but he never tried anything like that with me before)"
When men tell you stories like this, pay attention to how he treats girls. He sounds disrespectful, sneaky and indirect; not an ideal boyfriend.
You also wrote this:
"-the one day he was working on a battery display right in front of my self checkout and he told one of the other workers that the tags are stuck inside the holder and that he can't get them out because he doesn't have nails, so she went over to help him, then someone else went over to help and by five minutes, he had four girls around the display helping him and he stopped working on it and came over and talked to me, smirked and said "that's how you supervise"
So he manipulated multiple other women in front of you. Not a good sign.
He also flirts with you slightly and pays attention to you constantly yet never seals the deal. I wouldn't give it any more thought. Keep looking for someone better.
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i always hang out by my self now or with my friend marley because my friends abby, lily, laura, kiley, emma jane, Eve, breanna and sohpie all like to hang around boys or popular groups and i dont like to me and marley are pretty popular to but we dont want to hang around those groups or boys what do we do?????? (link)
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Meh. This always happens with women. It will continue to happen throughout your life. Women want to nest, they want boyfriends, husbands, babies etc. And sometimes your best friends completely change when males come into the picture.
Get used to it. It's hormonal and many other scientific things as well. That's one of the reasons why true friends that are there for life are hard to come by. Relationships are some of the primary reasons people leave childhood friends behind. Just do your thing, enjoy the friends you have around. Unfortunately, though the friends you might be losing, maybe acting completely weird and annoying, it's completely normal.
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Sometimes it seems like I'm not needed. Why should I stick around if I'm not needed? Apparently I'm annoying, why should I speak if I'm annoying? I don't see a reason to go on, maybe I don't need a reason. Maybe I just just go, a lot of people think I should go and maybe I should listen to them. I mean like, if someone loves me, they wouldn't tell me anything to hurt me. They told me to go and I think I should listen to them. (link)
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Please get involved with a church and Christians your age. The world will always disappoint you because it belongs to satan. We begin to realize what a cold place it can be in our teen years and it is depressing to realize many of the new things we learn during that time.
One thing I learned recently was why God wants to have a relationship with each and every one of us so much. I had been let down in a subtle way by several people and realized how attached I'd become to them. I got over it but realized the only friend that will be faithful, that heals me, that helps me, that gives me good advice, is the Lord. He and the people that truly love you are the only ones that will always be there for you and those people can come few and far between. However, God is with you all the time, even at this very moment He is watching you. You can talk to Him any time. He is longing to know you better.
He created you because He wanted you to be here. He feels you're needed because He's your maker. He has a plan for your life that will allow you to use your unique talents and gifts to make the world a better place. We all need you or you wouldn't be here. You also don't know yourself enough to know what your gift is, but with God's help, you will discover that. You just have to nurture your relationship with God to find the right place for yourself in this world.
Please try to stop allowing other people to have such a sway for you. See as human beings, we are created with the deep desire to worship something. It's part of what many Christians call a God shaped hole. Part of that hole can also be loneliness, emotional fulfillment and things of that nature, (any problems that are persistent and will not go away).
However, without God, we will create idols for ourselves to worship, some people choose drugs and alcohol, others choose sports teams, some choose money etc. You've chosen the approval of others to be your idol, and since it's not God you're worshipping, your idol will always let you down.
Please contact a counselor immediately as well. There might a chemical imbalance as well. It might also really help to have someone to talk to that is a trained psychologist that completely understands what you may be feeling and how to talk you into a healthier thought process.
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I'm 17, I never even had a crush since i was born. I am completely normal. It is just I have never felt anything towards opposite sex or same sex. I can tell that a girl is pretty but no, I never had a chance to like anyone. I never even fall inlove. seriously I never even had crush. What should I do? what am I? am I normal or what? I'm worried I want to have gf. (link)
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I don't know much about asexuality as a condition. I've actually just heard about it for the first time today, so I learned something new.
My first thought when I read your question was that, if you come from a very stable home, where your parents loved eachother and taught you right from wrong etc., a happy home, then you're going to have less crushes. A lot of people don't realize til they're much older that they attractions to people are sometimes to recreate the relationship they watched their parents have. If it was dysfunctional, they keep finding themselves attracted to the wrong type of person chronically
Sometimes they are unconsciously recreating the relationship they had with a parent. People whose parents abused them tend to choose abusive personalities.
Many people do this until they figure out what they're doing and make an effort to make better choices.
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My puppy that is almost 2 years old in human years is going into heat and keeps throwing up, is that normal? (link)
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Yes my dog throws up about once a week. Sometimes I think she's just eating too fast. If your dog is doing it every day though, there might be an issue. It's always a good idea to take your pup to the vet just in case.
The previous poster was right. For an animal to go into heat all the time but never be able to breed is very frustrating for them. I had a bf that didnt' want to spay or neuter and we didn't. I didn't understand how important it was until my dog went into heat.
The boy dog was too tall to mate with my dog, but they tortured theirselves trying to mate. He would tear up the bottoms of doors to try to climb under and get to her. They both cried. It tore me apart to see them so stressed. Luckily, he and I were on the outs anyway and I took them to get spayed and neutered. However, they were weird, in pain and sick for several days after the procedure, and that bothered me too. Hopefully, it's easier when they're very little for them to go through the process too.
You could also consider breeding her, but letting her go into heat without breeding is not definitely not right for her.
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My boyfriend and i broke up about a month ago... Before we broke up we had communications issues. he said we should stay friends and see if things fall into place. I didnt like that so i called it quit, after a few days i called him back saying that we should fix it, he agreed, but after days go by he wont call or text, i would bring it up again, he would after to fixing it and the same thing would go on again.. At some point i would text and he wont reply. Finally one day i told him that i dont want to be led on again and he should tell me where we both stand, he then said that he cannot commit to me. I was very hurt i just thanked him and said goodbye he replied that if it was the final goodbye then okay... So i deleted him from my contact, bbm and everyoda social network. I didnt call or text him, a week went by and the second week came... Towards the end of the second week, he called but i didnt take it, after about four days he called again and i didnt take it... I decided to download whatsapp on my new phone, because i stopped using my old phone which was giving me issues.. i started seeing his messages he sent to me Within those four days consecutively.. his not a type that goes to whatsapp,he barely even used it... So when I saw the msgs i replied Hi and immediately he replied "how have u been" after about 20mints i said "fine Thank u" he replied "just checking in" and i didnt reply afterwards.... Is he trying to come back or is he just missing me.... (link)
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Hmm. He's definitely got interests elsewhere. There's no telling whether they've been fulfilled or not though. However, he wants to keep you hanging on if he can.
He can tell how you feel about him, but I really give you kudos for walking farther away than many girls are able to get so soon. I see great signs of the type of self-confidence that will serve you well.
He's playing games, stringing you along. He's more interested because you've given him a challenge, but that's it. There are many people, especially men, that are only interested in something when it's running away from them. It's not love at this point, just the thrill of the hunt, a game. Sometimes it's low self-esteem on their part, to chase something only when it's not interested in them. But don't feel bad for them, because even the most beautiful mate will never satisfy a person like that. The problem is inside.
That's not to say that if you don't completely disappear, he might change into a decent guy and realize he lost a good girl, but many times people don't. However, you should just completely disappear and really make it hard for him to get in contact with you. He needs to be bringing flowers to your door type of stuff; and even then, I'd be suspicious until you truly know it's love.
So far, your gut has led you to ask b/c you feel like something's off. You're right.
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so i recently have been on a few dates with this guy and things are going well so far, meanwhile a different guy (they slightly know eachother) started liking me and just asked me out knowing that i am dating the other guy. all this aside, theres a third guy who is close with both of them who i actually like a lot, i know based on things he has said to my friends that he would date me if it werent for his friends. i realize this makes me sound horrible but in the event that things dont pan out with the first guy, since it is very new, how do i get the 3rd guy to ask me out without feeling like hes being a bad friend? (link)
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Uggh. It's just a limbo situation. You're not horrible. You can't help who likes you.
I guess, what I'm hearing is that basically, you want the third guy to be your backup in case things don't work out with the first. Or, you just like the third guy more than both of them?
I guess, you either have to choose the one you want the most or don't choose. It doesn't seem like these guys are going to make you choose any time soon. However, if another girl pops up at any given time that's just as attractive as you, you will lose one or two of them, the ones you're not with, so keep that in mind.
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is that weird? is there etiquette for that? he didn't do it back to me, did i mess things up?!? or does it mean he's just shy? it was my gut reaction, but i'll stop doing it with guys if i have the etiquette all wrong. (link)
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I think you might have done it because society is blurring gender behavior in the media, so we're picking up on behavior that's trendy without even realizing it. However, people are still people.
Putting your arm around someone is still a sheltering, caring, sometimes dominating maneuver. That's why men typically do it. If you like him, and he's the type of guy that likes to take the lead, it was weird. However, it was just a one time thing and can easily be dismissed as awkwardness or jitters or nothing at all, like you were sleepy or something.
Popular TV, the media and other things nowadays are promoting an extremely different lifestyle, where everything is accepted and gender roles are nonsense.
However, not everyone comes from that type of home or agrees with that type of thinking. That includes people you might be attracted to. Don't be subconsciously fooled, influenced or manipulated by what you see on TV if you can help it.
Take people as they come. Get to know them for who they are before you reach out to them. Especially in this day and age, you might be surprised that many people don't agree with the status quo, (as your gut might be telling you).
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21/f
I'm not sure if this has to deal with anything, but I have been on birth control for 2 years now. I switched birth control pills 7 months ago. The doctor's have prescribed me the pills that would help me skip my period and only have it every three months.
Last year, I started off losing interest in meat. I would eat it whenever it is in front of me, I would order things that contain meat. Months later, I started becoming tired of meat and I wasn't able to finish it, then give it off to the person next to me. Now, I am nauseous of meat, whenever I think of something in particular, when I see something, I get nauseous. The other day, I ate some wings and then got tired of it and ate the rest of it the day afterward.
I'm not sure what it is, but lately I have also been craving for pickles and milkshakes. I heard those were common for pregnant women. So, I took a pregnancy test, and it was automatically negative. My doctor said that if I try to skip my period, my body will trick itself into thinking that its pregnant, could this be it? But if so, it doesn't make sense when it comes to me feeling nauseous towards meat.
Any opinions? What do you think it is? Am I slowly becoming a vegetarian without my choice? (link)
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Right, see a doctor ASAP. Home pregnancy tests can be wrong or out of date. Go see a doctor. You sound pregnant, but I don't have a lot of understanding how pills work, so that could definitely be it if they mimic hormones.
But, you SERIOUSLY sound pregnant. Even the way you worded the question, I bypassed it like 5 times thinking you were just becoming interested in veganism or something. The thought process sounds like the nauseous, random disillusionment of how morning sickness and pregnancy feel as they set in.
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I am a 21 yr old girl, Me and my boyfriend been together for a year and 4months, but he doesn't have job or even have a education, he wants me to drop everything and move there but I just started my two jobs, I don't know what to do! Should I? Or am I giving to much? Help me what should I do? (link)
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The fact that you've asked the question means on some level, you think you might be sacrificing too much. On a deeper level, your instincts are worried that you two don't have the same goals or approach to life. With him having no job or desire for one and you happily starting two, it's clear that it COULD be a mismatch.
However, I agree that love and happiness are extremely important. If you can trust him, he truly makes you happy, you're comfortable with him and you truly don't care about HIS employment status, then you might want to consider it. Look in his area for similar jobs like the ones you'd be leaving behind.
However, you should also understand that you'd be making a major move. Do you see yourself happy with someone like him 3 years from now or 5 or 10 years from now? Think about the girl you want to be at those times. Does he compliment her?
You should also consider more practical things like, How will you feel if you come home and he's been partying with friends all day? Will you be paying most of the bills? How happy will you guys be on completely different schedules? What if your career starts to advance and he starts to feel threatened?
However, unless you're absolutely sure one way or the other after you've considered all of these things, I'd say move out there.
You guys have been together for a long time. It will hurt to go in a completely different direction. The only solution might be to actually move out there and let the cards fall where they may. Otherwise, you might regret leaving him behind without knowing.
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Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you. (link)
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EDIT:
I should also include that there are people out there with purely forgiving hearts. I have met them. It's also possible that he loves you that much that he can overlook it all completely, although I've only seen that in 2 circumstances.
I've only seen some Christian married people and desperate people do that in real life.
With Christians, it's religious, they feel the Holy Spirit is leading them to forgive. However, with everyone else, most of the time it's desperate looking b/c you can tell they feel they can't do any better. I've never seen a forgiving heart like this in real life with adultery when the faithful one has decent self-esteem.
However, I will say I've seen non-desperate, very cool people with forgiving hearts instantly forgive other things without seeking revenge or without showing much pain to make the person that wronged them feel guilty. It's possible that he can be that type of person, since I know they exist. However, I've never seen one of these people after they've been cheated on so I can't say.
ORIGINAL ANSWER:
I feel bad for your situation because you don't quite know yet what you've done, in terms of what you've given away. Even if you're not a Christian or you don't have conservative values, what you've given away is of high value to a man that loves you, to most men in fact. That is why it was so controversial when young women were selling their virginity on eBay a few years back. To men from any walk of life, a virgin is coveted.
To you, it was likely just a painful experience that you were curious about how it felt and wanted to get it over with. However, most men don't see it that way. Even if it was horrible for you, the man feels like a king and you're a prize because you gave it to him. If you weren't a virgin, the guy you gave it to might not even be chasing after you today. If you weren't a virgin, your bf might not have trusted you enough for a serious long term relationship. Now notice I say, might, because everyone is different. But what I know is that virginity often means much more to most men then it does to us girls when we still posess it. Sorry to tell you this, I know it's got to hurt because of what it could possibly mean to your relationship.
I understand why your friend told you there's no point to telling him, because there really isn't any way around it causing a change. It might work out if he really loves you and is very mature and accepting. However, there's really no telling in a situation like this one. He'll have a very hard time thinking this guy meant nothing to you because of what your virginity likely meant to him. It's just a hard fact. It might even be worst than cheating after you lost your virginity in terms of regaining his trust and getting forgiveness.
I also understand why you want to tell him, because it's going to burn you with guilt until you do. I hate to say it, but even if you wait until you're married with kids to tell him, he might still feel the same way. It has the potential to change your relationship. I've seen many things like the following happen after people cheat:
He'll stay with you, be hurt and forgive you (it's possible), but your relationship will change while you heal etc.
He'll leave you and move on with his life as a single guy
He'll leave you for what he perceives as a, "nicer girl,"
He'll become a public dog and cheat publicly at your expense for at least the next few years
He'll become a private dog and cheat on you for the rest of your lives together and you'll find out when you're married with kids, or living together or something what he really does when he says he's out w/ his buddies
There are all sorts of variations of these types of scenarios that happen after people cheat. Many of these things happen with people that weren't virgins when they cheated, so you being a virgin and not knowing him, I can't tell you how it will go. I can say it might go a little better if you guys were both virgins and friends together. Maybe he goes and loses his virginity or cheats once and that's the end of the cheating. Or maybe you'll find out that he's cheated on you and he'll laugh it off. He'll probably keep cheating and expect you to as well, and you two will be in an open relationship. However, he won't be mad. Other than that, I'm not sure what's going to help the situation.
Unlike your friend, I can't recommend that you don't tell him because there's a reason you did what you did. You aren't aware enough of yourself and your own sexuality to comprehend the reason right now, or you don't want to face it. However, you're not who you think you are deep down. That's not to say you're a bad person, but you're not the virgin that he thinks he's in a long distance relationship with and you weren't satisfied sexually and emotionally with the situation you were in, though you may want to think you were.
It's not fair to allow someone to think that you are what you're not. You might have learned that you can be satisfied in your situation, but there was some reason that you cheated with that guy. It might help to look inside yourself to figure out what it was before you tell him.
Did the guy look like Channing Tatum?
What did he say to manipulate you? (Some guys are MASTER players, liars and manipulators and if your bf knows him, he'll understand what happened more than you know and forgive you immediately).
Were you intoxicated?
Did you think you were sober but did you pass out or fall asleep at any time during the occurence? You could have been drugged without realizing it.
(Note: I know it will be tempting to lie and say you were drugged and passed out when you didn't, but your bf will sense your lie if that didn't really happen. If he believes you, he'll want to hunt the guy down. If you're vague and can't produce any real information about the guy or what happened, he'll figure out you're lying then.)
Take a breath and a step back. Really look at what happened without being mad at yourself.
If he loves you, he might understand what REALLY happened. But if you come at him with, "I gave my virginity to a random guy that I'm sure I don't care about, but I really love you and I can be faithful," it might go badly because it doesn't make sense.
Men are often very practical thinkers. When things don't make sense, they quickly pick up on it. Many of them won't buy that. They will know there's something else underneath and if you can't address that when you talk to him, he might perceive you as being more dishonest and more untrustworthy than you really are, when you're actually just being emotional and truly repentant.
I wish you the best of luck with him, but he's not the end of the world. Though things seem bad right now, your life is really just beginning and you can have a truly wonderful life. Please keep that in mind.
And please know, even though this guy seems like the last guy in the world, there will be others. I got some advice one day from a woman that sounds a little cold, but I think young women need to hear it sometimes.
"Men are like buses. Another one will be along." (Now, I don't believe you should play and hurt men intentionally, because the one of the next buses that comes along WILL treat you badly).
What I'm saying is that, if you make a mistake and he doesn't take you back, it's not the end of the world. Really take the time to learn from what happened, be a better girlfriend and make an effort to choose a serious relationship that is more fulfilling for you next time.
You're at an age where you might think if he doesn't forgive or becomes a cheating jerk, you can't go on, but that's why her statement is so cold because we need the wake up call when we're wallowing in our female emotions and feeling like he was supposed to be the one we grew old with. "Men are like buses. Another one will be along."
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So um my ex that I went out with once...we broke up because of my bestfriend telling me he was talking to another girl..so I flipped out on him and then realized it wasn't true and he stopped talking to me and of course he started talking to my "bestfriend" who by the way is really really easy. A week later they have sex...I confront her about it and she told me the truth of course..I was upset so I went back to hang out with my friends and my 2015 resolution was to cut them out of my life...it worked till our friend died... He started to come around my house and my friends more and lucky for me..my friends hated the bitch so she never came around..recently him and I have become closer,a couple people have told us why don't you guys date? And my stomach drops but I tell them "ew no" or "he's too ugly for me" which I said yesterday and he heard me and smiled and shock his head..a couple days ago I guess he thought I was going to a gathering and I didn't show up and obviously he probs flirted with other girls but at the end of the night he texted me telling me I never showed up..normally he either snapchats me or facebooks me, but it was a text asking why I didn't show up..and yea.last night I spent all day with him shooting guns..and he drove me home leaving my bro with my parents and took my bros friend with us to go to my house and we all had a convo about a really annoying person that he would never hang alone with..so I came back with..you're annoying to sometimes and I still hang around you..his response was " I'm not going anywhere no matter what" and before that he was mocking one of our friends snapchatting both of us..saying you guys should date and he was like " hey! Renee! I guess we should date now because everyone is telling us too" I was like "nooooo"..he tries to fuck girls in our circle but it never happens like at another gathering he would go flirt then come back an hang around me for like 30 minutes also he said he'd take me to the zoo☺️
I'm so confused I'm starting to miss my cuddle buddy but he fucked me over and shit..I like being close to him as a friend but I kinda wanna be more but then I don't . I dont even know what to do..he's there for me, he talks to me. More now (link)
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Hmm. You have a group of friends that could get dark later. It might not, but if someone really falls in love with someone or if heavy drugs or drinking enter the picture, or something like shoplifting when you guys go out, there will be major issues, (and drinking, drugs and shoplifting are extremely dangerous issues already without adding drama to them).
See the problem is that at the core, I don't think any of you can trust any of you. The only healthy way to continue to all hang out in peace in the long term is to have open relationships or "understandings."
Just the words, "easy best friend," will inevitably cause you problems throughout life unless you have an open mind about relationships.
In addition, I'm not saying open relationships are the ideal. Most people are happier and healthier with monogamy, but when you want something like that, you might have to change your circle of friends. However, this is not to say that the guy you like won't want to make the change as well along with you.
Also, I see in your flirting with him, you say extremely rude things sometimes. You might be joking but guys need to feel loved and needed. So he might be responding to that. However, if you weren't like that before he hooked up with you bff, then Idk what he's responding to except lust and the extended game of spin the bottle you guys seem to be in the middle of.
If at any time you feel lost and unloved or in danger while dealing with any of these individuals that you now call friends, (though they might change later), remember you can always turn to Christ. There's a website called "Way of the Master," that does an extremely good job of not being preachy and explaining God in simple, practical terms. You can often make better friends in Christian circles like that as well.
Good luck and watch your back.
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Hey there all. I need some help. I have been in a bad relationship for quite some time now... about 3 years. My family started to hate this guy and the hatred was so strong and they basically had no real reason. They just said that they hated him. So, I started to discredit that hatred because I just thought that they were trying to make my life miserable. I basically lied starting back in August and told them that I had broken up with him. I felt bad about it, but you have to understand that it was day in and day out talking about him and how much they hated him. I just felt like it was the only way to get them to stop.
I recently moved and now, without their influence, I have been able to see for myself how bad he really is. He treats me like garbage. He's aggressive. He makes fun of my beliefs and values. He takes money from me. He orders me around. I offered him food and he says "I don't want that crap." Most people would just say "no thank you." I think that I was in a daze when I first started dating him because I had just lost a close family member to cancer. So, I didn't really see what was right in front of me. There were red flags from the very beginning. If I would have valued myself a little more three years ago, I probably wouldn't have started dating him at all. I would have seen it as a bad choice. Now, that I have come out of that "shock"from the loss, I can see things a little more clearly. The person who passed was my cousin, and we were very, very close. He was only a year younger than me. He was my best friend and passed from cancer. So, it wasn't just the loss that effected me, it was seeing him ill for so long. Recently, I was even diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder likely do to this. So, I feel that now is when I'm coming out of this adrenaline rush that I had going on when we were taking care of him.
Before, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to break up with him. I thought that I was doing it for the wrong reasons: my mom/family. Especially given the nature of the way that they said it. But, now I have seen for myself. I've never broken up with anyone before. I've only had one other serious relationship and it ended in another way. I don't even know how to face him. I'm afraid that he's gonna start crying... and then I'm just gonna feel bad and stay with him. I've come to realize that he has a bit of a dangerous temper and he is aggressive. Since my cousin passed, I had been going to therapy and obviously, this came up. The therapist believes that he is a narcissist. I'm afraid of telling him in person. I know it's the "right" thing to do, but I can't look him in the eye. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and it could be over. This has had me so stressed that I've often thought... I wish the Lord would just take me so I could just avoid it. But, I know that this is something I need to do. I'm not happy at all. I'm miserable in this relationship and I don't want to be in it anymore.
Lastly, I should bring up that my birthday is on Sunday. I'm turning 24. Last year, he didn't get me anything for my birthday and didn't even come see me. This year, he's suddenly interested in "making up for it" and has a whole day planned. I'm not interested in spending the day with him. But, I'm worried about breaking up with him before then because I fear that he could hunt me down and ruin it. Please advise! Also, please advise on the best way to break up with him and how to get over that fear.
Thank you. Blessings.
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You should definitely break up with him, yes. However, your apprehension is right, he probably won't understand and it will be hard to deal with.
So to avoid that, I'm sure the family could step in and help you here. Blame it completely on them and ask them to back you up. Give any excuse. You and your mom need to be closer and you just feel guilty spending so much time with someone she doesn't approve of, maybe at a more convenient time, (never), you guys could think of getting back together. Your family needs you there for support when the seasons change, whatever. I'm kidding. However, I'm sure you guys could come up with something believable to get you out of this situation and back with your family who you seem to have a healthy relationship with.
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21/f, 28/m
I've been dating this guy for the past 8-9 months. He has lied to me three times and each time he has broken my trust. Each time, we were trying to rebuild trust and trying to make things work. He has convinced me to stay because he called them "bad choices" or "bad mistakes." Those lies and mistakes that he has made, has done damage that also made me question his loyalty. But he did not completely go off and cheat on me. The worst thing he did was tell his ex-girlfriend that he missed her.
Since then, he's been telling me that he has moved on and he no longer thinks about her. He's been reassuring me, telling me that he likes me, he sends me kissy faces, he told me that he's been trying to become more available for me, that he desperately wanted to rebuild trust with me, and to become closer to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to be my "home," because I told him that I no longer have that someone that was like my "home." He even looked up an article that would somewhat help to open us both up and become vulnerable. He thought it would be worth a try.
I'm not sure if it's because he broke my trust so many times in such a short time, I can't see what he's doing. But my sister told me that she could tell that he was trying. Even though he tries to be there for me and tells me everything, I still feel insecure and think that he's constantly cheating when he's not next to me. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to think that he's cheating. He tells me what he does that day (because we've always done that), but for some reason, I think he's lying.
Is this going to take time for me to acknowledge/believe that he's not lying? Is it going to take time for me to regain trust for him? Do you have any advice on what I should do or any suggestions that would help? Thanks. (link)
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I can see he's trying, yes. However, I can also see how it's possible he still has feelings for his ex and you can see that in him.
The problem is that you're not yet at a point where you trust your instincts. I'm not saying he's cheating, but I think he might have deep feelings for someone else and given the right level of privacy or whatever, he might easily cheat or he easily might not.
Either way, what's clear is that you're not happy and the relationship is stressful, but you sound like you're at a point in your life where this is the relationship you look back on and realize that "if I feel this way, it's unhealthy."
I don't know that you're strong enough to walk away, though it sounds like you should. You sound actually maybe one or two straws before the last straw, disrespect-wise, though you might stay 10 or 20 straws longer because this sounds like a first major relationship thing. Here's what I mean.
He's definitely playing both fields but in a selfish and hidden way. He's faithful to you and tries to make your relationship good b/c you're his gf, yet you shouldn't have to try that hard. He has clear feelings for her that you, someone that loves and knows him can see, but it tears you apart to admit that to yourself so you don't. You just sit there in limbo or waiting and hoping one day it will feel completely different.
Then though he doesn't go out and cheat with those feelings, he's emotionally distant when he feels them, which is a form of abuse. Withholding emotion, yet hanging around you, dragging things down etc.
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24/f. My mom has been emotionally and psychologically abusing me for as long as I can remember. Because she is a narcissist, no one believes me in my family. First and foremost, I can't report emotional/psychological abuse to the police. However, it has affected me a great deal and has put my mental health in danger. She has stolen my identity, which could ideally put her bind bars for some time. But, if I did that, no one in my entire family would speak to me. My mom has BIG issues and I don't think jail is the answer. She needs to go to therapy. She needs to be forced to go to therapy. I have one family member, my cousin, who believes me. She's only 11 and she says that my mother is unstable and that she would consider the way she treats me as emotional abuse. I don't live completely at home. I have an apartment about 30 minutes away. However, I do come back home to see my grandparents, pets, and my niece and nephew. However, my mom does not stop calling me. She calls at all hours and told me that she has a tracker on my phone to see where I am. EVERYTHING is a problem for her. She is a stalker. The other day, I was at CHURCH and she said that she wanted me to leave immediately and that she was angry. Then, she made up some story saying she "KNEW" that I was with someone and just didn't want to come see her. I am not willing to speak to her until she gets therapy. However, she is dangerous, it seems. She is scary. She'll make threats like she is going to hurt herself. Pretty soon, my family will come knocking on my door dragging me out telling me that I have to come see her that I'm the wrong one for whatever I did. I want to go off the grid with the condition that my mom gets the help she needs, and my family, for the most part, gets help too. I am tired of being in such a dysfunctional circle. It has ruined my relationships, friendships, and even my jobs. These people are intense. If I don't answer, they WILL come find me. My dad is the commander of the city and he has trackers and will find me in a second. There has to be a way that I can do this legally... like literally go off the grid, be able to continue my studies online, and her to be told that she can't see me until she goes to therapy... like maybe some kind of restraining order. i don't know. Please help!
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Unfortunately, I totally understand what you're feeling and unfortunately most of society doesn't.
Currently, society and many authorities like police etc, thinks emotional abuse is no big deal or you can walk away from it. But when it's combined with intense stalking, violent, obsessive group mentalities, Internet stalking and periphery enablers and look-awayers, it's a literal nightmare and you have almost no protection.
I've been there and I understand the only way to get away is to try to go off the grid, but it's hard to do and no one will understand why you're doing it which could lead to more problems and you'll look like the bad or crazy one to not only your family then, but also to society until you prove your'e not.
You're living a nightmare. I truly get it.
What you can do at this point is only this. Keep a detailed log of every event that's going on. Keep all texts and start recording phone conversations. At least you're actually getting verbal threats and other things that mean something to the police. Late night phone calls are legal harassment in many states too. Even if you don't think you will pursue legal action in the future, start keeping your log now because you might be forced to take legal action in the future.
Instead of going off the grid, meet with your local domestic violence office and start speaking with a counselor and also join a support group. There are all sympathetic witnesses to the abuse and support for your emotional health.
Start bringing non-enabling family members to your house instead of going to hers. If you must be around her start bringing friends from your domestic violence support group etc. with you. Start building your stock of credible witnesses.
Next step is to cut off all contact with your family. It's legally not abuse until you cut off contact, so do that asap.
Unfortunately, that includes cutting off contact with some of the ones that you want to see.
If they are defending and enabling your mother and other abusers in your family, they are just as dangerous to you.
Get away as soon as you can. Don't leave your mental health up to a bunch of jerks that don't care about you. Emotional abuse takes a serious toll if you let it and it will affect your professional and personal life if you don't stop allowing it in.
I'm glad to hear you're involved with Christ. Don't be fooled into thinking that He wants to keep you exposed to abusers. You're supposed to separate yourself from wicked people and forgive them. If they come back to you repentant, yes you should let them back into your life if the Holy Spirit truly tells you to. However, if you can't trust them, then you have to keep your physical distance until you can, yet make sure you've forgiven them from your heart.
Unfortunately, society tells you to just sit there and take it, get over it, forgive, stop being a baby, but you're going through an intense form of bullying that can be extremely damaging it if you keep exposing yourself to it. Believe me. Run, keep records, build trusted witnesses, cut off contact, be prepared if you have to file for a restraining order.
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I'm 18 and still have one year of high school to go. My mom has alwsys intimidated me in a way where I feel like speaking gets me killed. I can't fully be honest because my mom snaps at me for being ignorant and selfish. She gets pissed at me for not knowing what I want or not understanding myself, then when I tell her what's really going through my mind she says it's my fault that there's problems. Right now my younger sister wants me dead because she allows her friends to harass me and she's told me that I need to kill myself all because my mom refused to let her rejoin color guard. I tell my mom and her response is "well you shouldn't have pissed her off." What kind of parent does that?
My mom gets mad at my dad for not having emotions, but gets mad at me for feeling anything. I can't be happy because it's too awkward and I'm always depressed. My mom feels a need to yell at me for being moody or not growing up. I can't help that I'm depressed all the time and she thinks I can just suck it up and smile.
My cousin recently lost her mom and her biological father is in prison, but I'm unable to care. I'm not exaggerating, I'm literally unable to care. All I can focus on is how loud she is and inappropriate she behaves around every single living being, and yet I'm punished for even raising my voice from joy. She even told me she'd choose my cousin over me. It makes me feel worthless when she puts me down this way. I've told her to her face, but I honestly think she hates me. I'm not allowed to dislike people but she is. I'm not allowed to let out my true emotions, but she is. I'm sick of her being a hypocrite. I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life because I'm sick of having to carebut not being allowed to. (link)
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Your mother is abusive. Sometimes it's hard to understand why someone is that way. Sometimes it's a chemical imbalance, sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes they're just a psychopath or sociopath and take pleasure in your pain or just to selfish to care about it.
The only thing to do is just accept that it's really completely her problem and not yours. And DON'T EVEN CONSIDER taking your own life.
There's a website called "Way of the Master" with Kirk Cameron and Ray Pasture that presents the Gospel of Christ in a very accessible way. I don't want to be preachy, so please don't take things that way, but understanding Jesus can help you understand that the human nature, when unchecked can lead to the pure wickedness and abuse like your mother displays.
It can also help to give you peace to not let her affect your life. You're actually only a few short months away from independence. There's really no need to care about her. Get a job, so when the time comes you have money for your car and house saved up to move out immediately.
Christianity can also give you friends outside of the home through church and even Christian hip hop or rock shows to get your mind off your home life.
Don't get me wrong, Christians aren't perfect and some of them have major sin problems and are fake. However, we are all flawed and many Christians are trying to please God and some will make good friends to you.
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Is it normal for an acquaintance to send you passive-aggressive texts? This person has a bit of a history of doing this. On New Year's Day he sent me a passive-aggressive text hinting that he was pissed off that I hadn't wished him a happy new year that day. In fact, I had already wished him a happy new year along with merry Christmas in response to a text from him on Christmas day in which he wished me a merry Christmas.
Since then I haven't heard much from this guy. I was quite happy about that since I had hoped, and am still hoping, to gradually cut off contact with him. He is one of those people who always make everything about themselves, and take the tiniest things really personally. He once complained to me about someone ignoring his texts. Therefore I know that he would talk about me behind my back to others as well.
The only reason why I haven't stopped talking to this guy is because I have a lot of issues in my life right now as it is, and therefore really don't want to have to deal with the stress that could come from ignoring him. He is very good at making other people feel bad for him. Therefore he could seriously convince those people to harrass me. That's why I'm only gradually cutting off contact, so he hopefully won't notice what I'm doing. I hope he'll just lose interest in sending me those texts, which he really should soon.
He's now going to a different university than me but still in the same city. Therefore I really hoped that he would stop contacting me.
However, just two days ago I got another passive-aggressive text from him. Apparently he is now pissed off that I don't tell him enough details about my life.
I showed both his latest text and the text from New Year's Day to my boyfriend to get a second opinion. He agrees that both texts are passive-aggressive. Him and my acquaintance have never met each other, though.
The reason why I got to know this toxic person is because of a mutual friend. I didn't realise at first how crazy he was.
I'm not actually sure how he got my cell phone number since I never gave it to him. Therefore he must have gotten it from someone else.
Just to provide some more context to all of this, I'm a woman and the passive-aggressive acquaintance is a gay guy.
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You're smart enough to realize that on some level that any sort of aggressive behavior and getting your number from someone else equals stalking, (though you might not have fully realized it or formed that into words yet).
Change your number again. Log his previous behavior, keep all his texts and whatever information you can. If he gets your info again, keep logging everything. Give him his own notebook.
You might need the info later if you need to file harassment charges. Also keep in mind that though he's gay, he might still be having a sexual attraction to you for some reason or it could be a jealousy issue. We have no idea what's going on in people's minds sometimes, no matter what they portray on the outside.
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