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How to break up with him
Hey there all. I need some help. I have been in a bad relationship for quite some time now... about 3 years. My family started to hate this guy and the hatred was so strong and they basically had no real reason. They just said that they hated him. So, I started to discredit that hatred because I just thought that they were trying to make my life miserable. I basically lied starting back in August and told them that I had broken up with him. I felt bad about it, but you have to understand that it was day in and day out talking about him and how much they hated him. I just felt like it was the only way to get them to stop.
I recently moved and now, without their influence, I have been able to see for myself how bad he really is. He treats me like garbage. He's aggressive. He makes fun of my beliefs and values. He takes money from me. He orders me around. I offered him food and he says "I don't want that crap." Most people would just say "no thank you." I think that I was in a daze when I first started dating him because I had just lost a close family member to cancer. So, I didn't really see what was right in front of me. There were red flags from the very beginning. If I would have valued myself a little more three years ago, I probably wouldn't have started dating him at all. I would have seen it as a bad choice. Now, that I have come out of that "shock"from the loss, I can see things a little more clearly. The person who passed was my cousin, and we were very, very close. He was only a year younger than me. He was my best friend and passed from cancer. So, it wasn't just the loss that effected me, it was seeing him ill for so long. Recently, I was even diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder likely do to this. So, I feel that now is when I'm coming out of this adrenaline rush that I had going on when we were taking care of him.
Before, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to break up with him. I thought that I was doing it for the wrong reasons: my mom/family. Especially given the nature of the way that they said it. But, now I have seen for myself. I've never broken up with anyone before. I've only had one other serious relationship and it ended in another way. I don't even know how to face him. I'm afraid that he's gonna start crying... and then I'm just gonna feel bad and stay with him. I've come to realize that he has a bit of a dangerous temper and he is aggressive. Since my cousin passed, I had been going to therapy and obviously, this came up. The therapist believes that he is a narcissist. I'm afraid of telling him in person. I know it's the "right" thing to do, but I can't look him in the eye. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and it could be over. This has had me so stressed that I've often thought... I wish the Lord would just take me so I could just avoid it. But, I know that this is something I need to do. I'm not happy at all. I'm miserable in this relationship and I don't want to be in it anymore.
Lastly, I should bring up that my birthday is on Sunday. I'm turning 24. Last year, he didn't get me anything for my birthday and didn't even come see me. This year, he's suddenly interested in "making up for it" and has a whole day planned. I'm not interested in spending the day with him. But, I'm worried about breaking up with him before then because I fear that he could hunt me down and ruin it. Please advise! Also, please advise on the best way to break up with him and how to get over that fear.
Thank you. Blessings.
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You should definitely break up with him, yes. However, your apprehension is right, he probably won't understand and it will be hard to deal with.
So to avoid that, I'm sure the family could step in and help you here. Blame it completely on them and ask them to back you up. Give any excuse. You and your mom need to be closer and you just feel guilty spending so much time with someone she doesn't approve of, maybe at a more convenient time, (never), you guys could think of getting back together. Your family needs you there for support when the seasons change, whatever. I'm kidding. However, I'm sure you guys could come up with something believable to get you out of this situation and back with your family who you seem to have a healthy relationship with.
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You should break up with him ASAP, as others have recommended. If it's difficult for you to confront him, I highly suggest you go with your father, brother, or a close friend. Or simply write him a letter breaking things off with him. You don't need to tell him why; a simple explanation that things are not working and that you wish him all the best should suffice.
A person like that may be trying to exert control over you because of his own insecurities; therefore, he may beg you to give him another chance, to stay with him, that he'll make it up to you, etc. He may even have already realized you're distancing yourself from him, and that's why he's exerting more effort into your birthday.
But maintain your inner strength and break things off. The longer you wait, the longer this will drag on. And do you really want to be stuck celebrating your birthday with this man, simply for the sake of stalling what is yet to come?
Have a friend or family member wait in the car outside. If you feel he's dangerous, that he'll "hunt you down" and enact some sort of revenge, then you absolutely should tell your loved ones and the police.
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I think you need to discuss with him your concerns and how you feel about the relationship, maybe he would want to go to anger management or therapy to fully understand why he acts in this manner or if he is too stubborn (like most guys are), HE will break it off with you for "accusing such a thing". Either way, you are doing something to help yourself and have a peaceful birthday and a better life for yourself.
Let me know what you think about this!
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I know it might sound cliche, but he sounds like my ex. Really truly. You said relationship, not marriage. So I must assume you are just dating. That makes it easier legal wise. I talked to a mental health person too and learned that there are so many types of mental illnesses that are almost identical except for 1 or 2 small traits, that it can take someones own therapist years to nail down exactly what it is. I have read enough to know from others who've been in relationship with a person who was a narciccist or some other type of mental illness, that most of them end up ruining relationships and breaking them up. The partner can only tolerate so much. Everyone has their own breaking point.
I would have to agree that someone like that could go off the edge and become a stalker with intent to make you miserable, fearful or even hurt you some way. Then again, he may just sulk for a long time and finally go find his next victim to get into relationship with. The best thing is to not explain or give it much of your time and effort. If you want to tell him in person, have someone male, like a brother or Dad with you so he can't get angry and attack you, like hitting you. Don't let tears soften your resolve to leave. Most people I've known with mental illness deep down know something is wrong with them and do everything they can to avoid discovering what it is or going through the motions of therapy but not really wanting to change for the better. Otherwise, tell him in a letter and leave it at that.
I stayed with my abusive ex 30 years because the church frowned on divorce and I was told to trust God to heal my marriage. It tool two things to get me to leave. God spoke to me saying He gave everyone a free will and He won't interfere with that will. Some use theirs to do right and some to do wrong. He said I had the deciding factor in whether I would allow someone to continue treating me that way. On another occasion, since i had made no move yet, God said that I would be dead in 4 years if I didn't leave him. That was 7 years ago. I heeded that one. I left him. But he wasn't willing to do the divorce right away just to be mean but I didn't care. I waited until he was ready and started the proceedings. Your Birthday has nothing to do with if you leave him or not, and when to do so. What is the significance in waiting til after? Might as well wait until after Valentines Day, his birthday or next Christmas if you are thinking that giving him more days to celebrate with you or not, is going to help him process through a break up.
God had you in this relationship for a reason. Not so you could be hurt, but so that your soul could learn something and grow stronger. Perhaps, like me, Your lesson is to learn to love yourself enough to remove yourself from that situation.
God Bless and keep you safe!
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You need to break it off ASAP. he sounds like an unstable person, and it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. If you don't like him, he doesn't treat you right, and you're miserable and unhappy, then you have to call it off. Your happiness is more important than his heartbreak, because it's Your life, and you can't base decisions like these on other people's feelings. Even if he does get "upset," you have to be strong for yourself so you both can just move on sooner. You should tell him that you're just not in a good place right now, and you're too stressed for a relationship, even if that is not all entirely true. But just say that it's not a good time for a relationship for you, and you need to focus on other things. If you're worried about your safety, tell a close friend what you're doing (breaking up) and around the time you're doing it and tell them that if you don't check in to say what happened at a certain time, to call and/or check on you and such. There other other possibilities, but you should end the relationship, even if he wants to "make it up." Be strong!
Hope this helps~
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