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Does my mom want to control my life?
I'm 18 and still have one year of high school to go. My mom has alwsys intimidated me in a way where I feel like speaking gets me killed. I can't fully be honest because my mom snaps at me for being ignorant and selfish. She gets pissed at me for not knowing what I want or not understanding myself, then when I tell her what's really going through my mind she says it's my fault that there's problems. Right now my younger sister wants me dead because she allows her friends to harass me and she's told me that I need to kill myself all because my mom refused to let her rejoin color guard. I tell my mom and her response is "well you shouldn't have pissed her off." What kind of parent does that?
My mom gets mad at my dad for not having emotions, but gets mad at me for feeling anything. I can't be happy because it's too awkward and I'm always depressed. My mom feels a need to yell at me for being moody or not growing up. I can't help that I'm depressed all the time and she thinks I can just suck it up and smile.
My cousin recently lost her mom and her biological father is in prison, but I'm unable to care. I'm not exaggerating, I'm literally unable to care. All I can focus on is how loud she is and inappropriate she behaves around every single living being, and yet I'm punished for even raising my voice from joy. She even told me she'd choose my cousin over me. It makes me feel worthless when she puts me down this way. I've told her to her face, but I honestly think she hates me. I'm not allowed to dislike people but she is. I'm not allowed to let out my true emotions, but she is. I'm sick of her being a hypocrite. I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life because I'm sick of having to carebut not being allowed to.
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Your mother is abusive. Sometimes it's hard to understand why someone is that way. Sometimes it's a chemical imbalance, sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes they're just a psychopath or sociopath and take pleasure in your pain or just to selfish to care about it.
The only thing to do is just accept that it's really completely her problem and not yours. And DON'T EVEN CONSIDER taking your own life.
There's a website called "Way of the Master" with Kirk Cameron and Ray Pasture that presents the Gospel of Christ in a very accessible way. I don't want to be preachy, so please don't take things that way, but understanding Jesus can help you understand that the human nature, when unchecked can lead to the pure wickedness and abuse like your mother displays.
It can also help to give you peace to not let her affect your life. You're actually only a few short months away from independence. There's really no need to care about her. Get a job, so when the time comes you have money for your car and house saved up to move out immediately.
Christianity can also give you friends outside of the home through church and even Christian hip hop or rock shows to get your mind off your home life.
Don't get me wrong, Christians aren't perfect and some of them have major sin problems and are fake. However, we are all flawed and many Christians are trying to please God and some will make good friends to you.
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You are in an awkward position by being 18 which makes you legally and adult though still in high school living at home. If you were a year younger there are things I could tell you to do to get help from school and family services. Being a legal adult I'm not sure if the school or family services will be able to extend that help to you.
You are in a caustic environment this is evident in the sentence you wrote; "I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life." You need help professional help. IF you feel ending your life is the only answer then call 911 for help. Not only will you get the help you need but maybe a wakeup call will be sent to your mother.
At school talk to a favorite teacher or your school principal about what your home life is like. If you were a year younger there are definitely things they can do to help you. It is possible since you are still in school those things are still available to you. Your home life is not conducive to good school work. You do want to graduate this year and hopefully someday go on to college. Ask a teacher or the principal for help.
The other option is more drastic which is to find a full time job, drop out of school and get a GED. With a full time job you can afford to find your own place to live either a rented room or an apartment with a roommate.
You can also talk to Military recruiters about joining a Branch of the Military. They may be able to help you get your GED while in the military and you may be trained in a career that is transferrable to a civilian career or you may just like the military and make it a career.
Suicide is not an answer it is the wrong solution. If you ever or are feeling suicidal please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room and ask for help.
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