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I cheated on my wonderful, long distance boyfriend.
Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Listen, my ex boyfriend and I were long distance. We both went to the same college together so we were only apart on breaks and during the summer but it sucked when we were apart.
Now, my family owns a cabin and we tend to go there on my winter break from college, it's in a quiet place in the mountains with no cell phone service. So he and I could not talk for three days. I had no worries that anything was going to happen while I was away, since we were long distance at that point, I figured there wasn't really anything that could go wrong that didn't already. So, I left for my cabin, he said he couldn't wait til I got back, I told him I'll miss him and love him and he said he loved me and that was it.
The last day of my trip, on the drive home when I reached cell service, I texted him and I knew something was up. He wasn't acting the same, kind of answering very shortly and just not being his normal self but he assured me he was okay so I brushed it off until his weird mood carried on into the next couple days. I asked him time and time again why he was acting so differently, why three days had altered the atmosphere surrounding our entire relationship.
Then he finally told me, it's because he cheated on me while I was away. I was devastated. Here was this incredible guy that I truly loved that had made long distance relationships worth it for me and he ruined it all in the course of one weekend trip. I ended it, and rightfully so.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I know people make mistakes, I get that, I truly do, I've made some pretty questionable mistakes in my twenty years. But nothing hurts more than finding out the person you loved, had been with someone else in their most vulnerable state, in the state that only your significant other should see you in.
You're right; he deserves to know, you need to tell him.
My best friend cheated on her current boyfriend, with her ex-boyfriend and they are still together because her current boyfriend said that only means that he is allowed one "get out of jail free card" and she agreed and that's how they made it work.
Every single person is different, just like every single relationship is different. I couldn't bear the thought of my boyfriend being with someone else and I had to end it, to ease my mind. However, my best friend's boyfriend dealt with the news in his own way as well. Your boyfriend may take it lightly, he may not, that's the price you have to pay for cheating on him.
Personally, I would wait til you are together to sit him down and talk to him about it. Do not wait. The sooner the better.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. But relationships revolve around love and honesty and if you love him, you need to be honest with him.
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I would definitely wait until you are with him in person. You can just tell him your feelings for him and that you feel bad about it and your reasoning for why you did it. If he really cares about and or loves you he will be able to look pass it. If he is a virgin he might have a hard time doing so because in his mind its a special bonding experience he wanted to share with you. I hope all goes well hun, but honestly if he chooses to end things youre just going to have to live with it. Your virginity isnt something you want to "just get it over with" when you find someone you love and care about its a lot more than just sex. Cheating is never an okay thing. Regardless, i wish you luck and im sorry to also add in the things you probably didnt want tl hear. Best of luck!
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EDIT:
I should also include that there are people out there with purely forgiving hearts. I have met them. It's also possible that he loves you that much that he can overlook it all completely, although I've only seen that in 2 circumstances.
I've only seen some Christian married people and desperate people do that in real life.
With Christians, it's religious, they feel the Holy Spirit is leading them to forgive. However, with everyone else, most of the time it's desperate looking b/c you can tell they feel they can't do any better. I've never seen a forgiving heart like this in real life with adultery when the faithful one has decent self-esteem.
However, I will say I've seen non-desperate, very cool people with forgiving hearts instantly forgive other things without seeking revenge or without showing much pain to make the person that wronged them feel guilty. It's possible that he can be that type of person, since I know they exist. However, I've never seen one of these people after they've been cheated on so I can't say.
ORIGINAL ANSWER:
I feel bad for your situation because you don't quite know yet what you've done, in terms of what you've given away. Even if you're not a Christian or you don't have conservative values, what you've given away is of high value to a man that loves you, to most men in fact. That is why it was so controversial when young women were selling their virginity on eBay a few years back. To men from any walk of life, a virgin is coveted.
To you, it was likely just a painful experience that you were curious about how it felt and wanted to get it over with. However, most men don't see it that way. Even if it was horrible for you, the man feels like a king and you're a prize because you gave it to him. If you weren't a virgin, the guy you gave it to might not even be chasing after you today. If you weren't a virgin, your bf might not have trusted you enough for a serious long term relationship. Now notice I say, might, because everyone is different. But what I know is that virginity often means much more to most men then it does to us girls when we still posess it. Sorry to tell you this, I know it's got to hurt because of what it could possibly mean to your relationship.
I understand why your friend told you there's no point to telling him, because there really isn't any way around it causing a change. It might work out if he really loves you and is very mature and accepting. However, there's really no telling in a situation like this one. He'll have a very hard time thinking this guy meant nothing to you because of what your virginity likely meant to him. It's just a hard fact. It might even be worst than cheating after you lost your virginity in terms of regaining his trust and getting forgiveness.
I also understand why you want to tell him, because it's going to burn you with guilt until you do. I hate to say it, but even if you wait until you're married with kids to tell him, he might still feel the same way. It has the potential to change your relationship. I've seen many things like the following happen after people cheat:
He'll stay with you, be hurt and forgive you (it's possible), but your relationship will change while you heal etc.
He'll leave you and move on with his life as a single guy
He'll leave you for what he perceives as a, "nicer girl,"
He'll become a public dog and cheat publicly at your expense for at least the next few years
He'll become a private dog and cheat on you for the rest of your lives together and you'll find out when you're married with kids, or living together or something what he really does when he says he's out w/ his buddies
There are all sorts of variations of these types of scenarios that happen after people cheat. Many of these things happen with people that weren't virgins when they cheated, so you being a virgin and not knowing him, I can't tell you how it will go. I can say it might go a little better if you guys were both virgins and friends together. Maybe he goes and loses his virginity or cheats once and that's the end of the cheating. Or maybe you'll find out that he's cheated on you and he'll laugh it off. He'll probably keep cheating and expect you to as well, and you two will be in an open relationship. However, he won't be mad. Other than that, I'm not sure what's going to help the situation.
Unlike your friend, I can't recommend that you don't tell him because there's a reason you did what you did. You aren't aware enough of yourself and your own sexuality to comprehend the reason right now, or you don't want to face it. However, you're not who you think you are deep down. That's not to say you're a bad person, but you're not the virgin that he thinks he's in a long distance relationship with and you weren't satisfied sexually and emotionally with the situation you were in, though you may want to think you were.
It's not fair to allow someone to think that you are what you're not. You might have learned that you can be satisfied in your situation, but there was some reason that you cheated with that guy. It might help to look inside yourself to figure out what it was before you tell him.
Did the guy look like Channing Tatum?
What did he say to manipulate you? (Some guys are MASTER players, liars and manipulators and if your bf knows him, he'll understand what happened more than you know and forgive you immediately).
Were you intoxicated?
Did you think you were sober but did you pass out or fall asleep at any time during the occurence? You could have been drugged without realizing it.
(Note: I know it will be tempting to lie and say you were drugged and passed out when you didn't, but your bf will sense your lie if that didn't really happen. If he believes you, he'll want to hunt the guy down. If you're vague and can't produce any real information about the guy or what happened, he'll figure out you're lying then.)
Take a breath and a step back. Really look at what happened without being mad at yourself.
If he loves you, he might understand what REALLY happened. But if you come at him with, "I gave my virginity to a random guy that I'm sure I don't care about, but I really love you and I can be faithful," it might go badly because it doesn't make sense.
Men are often very practical thinkers. When things don't make sense, they quickly pick up on it. Many of them won't buy that. They will know there's something else underneath and if you can't address that when you talk to him, he might perceive you as being more dishonest and more untrustworthy than you really are, when you're actually just being emotional and truly repentant.
I wish you the best of luck with him, but he's not the end of the world. Though things seem bad right now, your life is really just beginning and you can have a truly wonderful life. Please keep that in mind.
And please know, even though this guy seems like the last guy in the world, there will be others. I got some advice one day from a woman that sounds a little cold, but I think young women need to hear it sometimes.
"Men are like buses. Another one will be along." (Now, I don't believe you should play and hurt men intentionally, because the one of the next buses that comes along WILL treat you badly).
What I'm saying is that, if you make a mistake and he doesn't take you back, it's not the end of the world. Really take the time to learn from what happened, be a better girlfriend and make an effort to choose a serious relationship that is more fulfilling for you next time.
You're at an age where you might think if he doesn't forgive or becomes a cheating jerk, you can't go on, but that's why her statement is so cold because we need the wake up call when we're wallowing in our female emotions and feeling like he was supposed to be the one we grew old with. "Men are like buses. Another one will be along."
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Yes I would tell him when you meet again or skype (not the best but depends on how long it will be til you see him) ASAP . I would tell him just like you said to me: that you wanted to get it over with and that it was with someone you do not even care about...then also tell him you really regret it because it was really him that you wanted to do it with. Also, maybe say that you wanted to be good when you do it with him in the furture (basically you wanted an expeerience) so that you did not suck and you have an idea of what to do.
You have to tell him. I would say the longer you wait, the worse he will take it. It will eat you up if you never tell him. If he really loves you, he will understand. Just say you had to tell him so that there is no big secrets between you guys and it is eating you up inside. If you wait awhile to tell him, he will not trust you and might leave you. You do not want a dishonest relationship because if there's no trust, there's no real relationship. You will not have a future with him if you lie by omission. It is hard and he will probably get mad at first but it will work out if you guys are meant to be. I promise. Give him space if he needs it. It will be ok! I know it sucks but you will be happy you told him. Good luck !! <33
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If you can live with yourself never telling him then don't. But if you will always feel guilty about it then you will have to tell him because you will end up sabotaging your relationship anyway.
It's not going to help waiting until you live together to tell him because he will just feel like your whole relationship was built on a lie.
I think you know what the right choice is for you, its just that your scared. You have take a leap sometimes.
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Hi,
I am afraid the you really made a bad choice by losing your virginity to someone other than the man you love. The only thing worse than that is to tell him about it. Your friend is right, nothing good can come from telling your boyfriend what you did.
This is coming from someone that is honest as honest can be. I am speaking from experience when I say do not tell him. All it will do is give him ammo to throw back in your face at a later date. He will use it against you and that is only IF he is still speaking to you after you confess.
Why do you feel the need to tell him? Is it cause you feel guilty? You know this will hurt him and why would you want to do that? If you love him so much then it is a huge insult to him that you gave away something so precious to someone you do not even care about. WHat thu fck were you thinking? You said you did this " to get it over with" OH my goodness , please don't tell anyone else that cause it makes you sound like a tramp. I hate to say that but it really doesn't sound good at all.
I have always been upfront with men I date, and back in the day when I didn't consider how my actions effect other people I confessed to rid myself of guilt. You cannot go back once you tell it, no matter what he will resent you til the end of time for this. I know I would if it were me.
It will be difficult not to confess but there is no reason to. You aren't married and you don't have a ring from the long distance guy do you? So, you can look at it like that and it may rid you of guilt. Just don't tell it that is it that is all, bottom line........ DO NOT TELL HIM , Ever!
I think that maybe you do not love him as much as you think ya do. If you did you wouldn't want to be touched by any else and you sure as hell wouldn't have the attitude "Just to get it over with".
Best of luck, I hope this works out for you.
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Hi sweetheart.Ask yourself this.Is your conscience getting to you?
By that,I mean,is it constantly poking at your brain and heart? If you have aid yes to both these questions,then you need to tell him.......in person.
I agree,you cant have it over the phone,or text or Skype.
Yes my dear,you must be completely honest.You cannot have a relationship based on a lie,or something hidden under the rug.It will hurt you,and it will cost you dearly later on,because your conscience will come to get you.
Im sure that you are gravely sorry,and honey,we all mistakes,none of us without them,but most importantly,you seem to have learned something from this expirience,and for that,I hope that will ease your heart.
I myself,am in a long distance relationship,and its HARD! They are times when I wonder,if he is being faithful,but I must understand and trust him.
Trust and honesty go a long long way in relationships and friendships,keep in mind,your boyfriend is also your friend too.
You are in an impossible situation.So,when you tell him,bring flowers,and if possible,bring a friend who can be nearby in your surroundings in case your guy flips out and your friend can comfort you.Prepare yourself sweetheart,because you dont know what he will say or do.
He can forgive you or leave you,but remember,he is not perfect.
I myself was raised in staying a virgin until I got married.Im unmarried,but still a virgin,Im 25. I have always made that clear in any relationship I had,that I wont go to bed,until Im legally wed.Because once your virginity is gone,you cant get it back.
What I want you to do dear one,is forgive yourself. You are young,you have a life to live,and none of us are perfect.You will make more mistakes honey,its all a part of life.
Make sure you get rid of this guy you slept with,him chasing after you can be potentially dangerous,if he still persist on you,file a restraining order.Make sure you protect yourself as much as you can.
Also,when you talk to your guy,make it very clear,that you learned something from this,and you will do watever it takes to win his trust back,and you love him.The longer you wait,the more guilt you will feel.
Be blessed and I hope all goes well <3
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I think you need to have a long talk with your boyfriend and confess to him before things start to become really serious. You cannot have him move in with you and then break it to him. If he wants to leave after you tell him, then he has the right to do so, don't try to trap him. If he really loves you then maybe he will try to understand and realize that you really regret what youve done and you will not do it again. But make sure you explain that to him and give him time to be able to deal with his feelings. He deserves the right to know and if things do not work out then they were not meant to anyway. Youre still young and you have your whole life ahead of you, do not tie down to one person right away because there are so many things you both do not know about yourselves and you are both still growing and learning and what you love about each other now might change in the future. So tell him and just go from there. You will be alright. Good luck!
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You shouldn't have cheated on him if you truly love him. Now, go tell him the truth. If he truly loves you, he will forgive you. You should've sex only if you are comfortable with him.
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Look, this is coming from a guy here. You need to wait till you see him to tell him, cause telling him by text or even phone call will hurt him, bad. Listen, although us guys don't talk about it much, we get really hurt when stuff like this happens, so bad we can't even let it out of our system. I know you're good at heart, I can tell by how honest you are, but trust me, if he loves you as much, he'll learn to accept what you've done, and move past the situation. What I'm trying to say here is, at least Skype him when you tell him, and make sure you tell him soon, because waiting will just be adding more trouble to him, you, AND your relationship. He'll understand eventually. And listen, he will get hurt when you tell him this, even the slightest bit, there's just no way around that, but he will get better, and if he's that good of a guy, he'll love you no matter what. Hope this helps.
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Sweetie I know you truly care for your boyfriend and I know you're afraid of hurting him but you need to tell him what happened. Everyone makes mistakes and I understand wanting to get it over with but, relationships are built on trust. If you don't have trust, it's not as worth it as it should be. My advice is to tell him what you did. Just say you know I love you but I made a terrible mistake and I'm very sorry. Explain to him what made you do it and tell him yOu have no feelings for the other guy and you want to be 100% committed to only him. That's the best advice I can give you. Who knows maybe this was meant to happen for a reason but first yOu need to tell him and apologize.
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HI Honey,
So I know it feels like the world is crashing down and it's awful, but believe me it's not. You and your bf are both so young, you have no idea the type of people your going to grow into. I thought I would be with my BF when I was 17 forever also. However, once we both graduated from high school I realized we had some fundamental differences in the way we wanted to live and just weren't compatible. I still think he's a great guy and I'm so happy we had all those great times together. Part of me will always love him but we just weren't right as life partners.
You have to take a step back from the plan of living together when you don't even know for sure that you can live near each other and get along. I've been in LDR's (long distance relationships) that didn't work once we were in the same city. It happens... frequently... google it if you don't believe me!
Because you guys are young, the chances of your bf forgiving you for this are slim to none. If you were older and a bit more mature he might be understanding but at 18, yea, he wont be. So this is what I would do. If this was a one time thing, and you are never going to do it again, it's okay that you don't tell him. Trust me, sex hurts the first few times. I felt like I was loosing my virginity for the first 6 months of sex!!! Don't tell him, and then when you are together, let him think you lost your virginity to him. If it works out and you are the life long partners that you think you are, in years and years from now, when it doesn't matter anymore, you can tell him. If he truly loves you, he will know that you did what you had to do because he wouldn't have given you a chance if he knew at 17. After being together for years and years and becoming much more matured people that trust and love each other, he won't care that much. It's not worth it to ruin a future and hurt someone you love over something that really doesn't matter that much. If you start living in the same city and it doesn't work out, then it won't matter that you didn't tell him anyway. If this becomes a habit and you keep doing it, again and again, you need to tell him. If this becomes a habit, that is another level of deception and you need to get out of this relationship.
I also think you should experiment, by your self, with your self! Try and to find a pleasurable relationship with your body. Men go into sex after years of masturbating and knowing how to please themselves. It takes them years and years of having sex to learn how to please a woman and some of them never learn!!!! Also, to avoid having a bad relationship with sex in general (because it starts out very painful for us) you should learn how to please your self. Sex should be enjoyable, not something to "get it over with." Plus, if your bf is smart he should be willing and happy to learn what you like :)
Here is an article with some tips if you're interested.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Lastly, I know boys and society, treat your virginity like some sacred object. Like you should give it away to a deserving man to proudly hold forever. But really... your virginity belongs to you!! Someone should love you regardless of how you choose to loose it. As long as the sex was consensual and safe, you should not feel bad! Fidelity is hard, people are messing up right and left (I'm sure you've seen tv and have the internet so I'm sure you know). Forgiving is how relationships stay together and someone that only wants you for your virginity doesn't deserve to have you anyway. If you end up telling him and he freaks out at you, remember this, you don't owe him your virginity! You don't owe him your body! He has your love and he should feel lucky for that. If people tell you you're basing the relationship on a lie by not telling him, tell them to F*** off! A relationship based on your virginity, isn't a relationship. This is NOT 18th century Japan and you are NOT a Geisha. Thank God, right?! He should love you with or with out the V-card. In terms of infidelity, LTR's are hard and we all get a ONE TIME ONLY, messed up really really really bad pass.
Good Luck Honey!
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Hey love.
what I would do is not say anything and promise yourself that you won't do it again.. if you really love him when you see him you will feel in your heart that you did the wrong thing.. and sweetie if you want to tell him it's. notnothing wrong with that but since you guys are away from each other it will surely start giving him trust issues.. so to keep things how they are I say keep this one thing to yourself.
hope I helped
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Look if you really do love your boyfriend like you say you do, then you wouldn't have cheated on him with some random son of a bitch in the first place. Sex isn't supposed to be meaningless. It is supposed to be with someone that you love and preferably when your married. Yeah I know sounds old fashioned right. Well the old fashioned way makes things way less complicated. Just because you two are in a long distance relationship doesn't mean that it gives you the right to mess around with some other guy that you don't even give two shits about. Regardless you should tell your boyfriend the truth face to face. If he breaks up with you remember that it is not his fault and that you were in the wrong. Also remember that there are plenty of fish out in the world to choose from. So don't think that this is the end of the world by losing your boyfriend. Remember that there are always other options. By the way, do you even know if he has been with anybody? And how would you feel if he cheated on you? Put yourself in his place and think about whether carrying this secret is healthy in your relationship. Quit making bad decisions and start making the right ones for yourself.
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This isn't an easy situation to be in, but to be honest, the reason why is because of how heavily the regret weighs on your shoulders. I hope you understand that "getting it over with" is never the right reason to do anything, let alone have sex for the first time. I am not saying this to hurt you or make you have more regret, only to bring that to your attention. Sex is definitely not something that needs to be rushed- people are ready at different times. For a lot of young people though, the pressure is real. But I'll tell you one thing: sex is more important than people make it out to be. It's part of who you are, and a negative experience can have far-reaching effects. That's why it's important to wait until you are fully ready. It's okay to make mistakes. Not everyone's first time is magical- it can be downright awkward. You have this as a learning experience for next time.
Now, in my opinion, you should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible, and preferably in person. It will weigh heavily on your heart, if you don't. You also need to be prepared for the outcome: at the very least, he will be incredibly hurt, or he could choose to break up with you. Either way, I think he would find out eventually, in case you break down. It's better for him to be told and hurt, than to be led on by a lie/find out later (that would hurt the worst). Not telling him is convenient for you-- it prevents you from feeling the pain of a possible break up, or having your boyfriend get angry at you, etc. But think of him, first. He deserves to know, no matter how badly telling him feels to you. I would suggest letting him know that you acted without thinking, that the other guy meant nothing to you, and that this whole experience made you realize how much you care for your boyfriend and would hate to lose him. Most importantly, make sure you make it clear that you are responsible for your actions and deeply regret betraying his trust/would do what it takes to maintain the relationship. You can do whatever you choose, but I will tell you, the truth hurts but it can also set you free. It might not feel like it, but you'll at least know that you did the right thing and learn to make better decisions for yourself next time. Best of luck.
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well i tell you this i was in the same boat as you although i was to tell my man how i felt bout me cheating on him , well i was with my man for couple of years and i waited for a while to tell him well now im living with my man and i told him the truth i was afraid he would leave me but he didnt cause he still loved me like he should and let him have my trust again , now we are fine and im not cheating . i think its best for you to come clean to him tell him youre really sorry . maybe it didnt feel good to you with the guy that youre not in love with , but you wanna do it with your boyfriend , i say go for it maybe it will feel magical to you and your guy . just don't lie to him , keep your trust to him, let him know you messed up and tell him you don't wanna lose him again and that you love him and say you are very sorry that you did that .
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That's very tough.. I think overall you should tell him. Because you don't want to carry that guilt. It isn't fun and probably won't be an easy thing. But I think that he can respect the fact that you told him. it could all still work. He could forgive you and it wouldn't be so bad but I think that you should call him about it. (Unless you're going to see him soon) if you tell him. I think he can at least appreciate your honesty. I hope it works out good look
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Your boy friend would be hurt and dejected if he finds out. He might lose trust in you and the relationship. Even if you tell him and convince him to understand why you did what you did, would he still be able to trust you how he did previously?
And if you tell him face to face, it would hurt him even more because you hid this fact for a long time.
Long distance relationships require a lot of trust. You are at a very impressionable age, it would hurt his confidence and trust in any relationship based on this experience.
If you decide to tell him (which you should), you should be able to handle the consequences.
If he is a very forgiving person, you might have another chance. Please don't lose out on good guys over the issue of being a virgin. Sex might hurt the second time you do it too, it all depends on the people in a relationship.
So next time you are tempted to stray, think about the other person who loves you abd trusts you so much that they want to be with you even if you are separated by distance. It's love if it survives the distance, don't take this for granted. Being faithful is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Hope all goes well :)
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He's going to be upset and you being partially responsible its up to him to figure out if he wants to forgive and get past this due to the fact its long distance now he might feel like theirs nothing to treasure unless to him it wasn't about the fact that you were virgin and he really loved you its going to shatter him and you can't do nothing about it whether you choose to remain silent and tell him later or suffer in guilt if you have a bond like no other your actions for doing that have to amount but cheating is just not right and I hope he knows and can see your lesson is learned. Fact are no one can actually tell if a girl is a virgin or not in fact many girls at young age pop their cherry on their own with certain movements etc. But anyways its up to you to decide when to tell him or if you're going to . Even if you wait honesty is always best.
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I honestly don't think you should tell him. It will impact on him and it's overwhelmingly unlikely that it will be in a good way. Winning back trust is far from easy, sometimes impossible. Right now you haven't (so far as he is concerned) broken that trust. I rally would suggest you keep it that way. I can appreciate that you feel YOU HAVE broken the trust and honesty in this relationship by having sex with the other guy. There's always a strong urge to confess, especially to people we love and hold dear. Your reasoning is perhaps "I've betrayed him and he deserves to know the truth"?? The confession might indeed be liberating for YOU. You put the responsibilty of handling it on his shoulders instead of your own...that's why confession 'lightens our own burden' as you might say. Really sweetheart, he is NOT going to want to hear this. Whatever the confession achieves will almost certainly be bought at a high price. Maybe the ultimate price, you drive him away completely because he can't handle it? Right. YOU did it. YOU accept responsibilty to yourself. YOU do the 'handling'. YOU protect him, even if you're feeling down on yourself for doing it. Fair?? Sounds like the experience wasn't a great one for you? Not great physically, worse emotionally (you didn't even much fancy him, and he's nowhere compared to your boyfriend). Only thing remotely positive is that you did not have a bad experience with the guy you really love? So hang on to the positive. When you first have sex with your boyfriend you tell him it's your first time. Tell him afterwards that is was fantastic. What a considerate and gentle lover he was. It didn't feel uncomfortable or hurt a bit. You know when the time comes you're going to have to 'play out a part' in a way,so you can prepare mentally for it. It's gonna be great, he's gonna be your first proper lover. That's what he wants, thats what you would have liked...so that's what he's gonna see mate! OK?? You'll be fine. There's no way he'll know unless you tell him. It's not always painful first time. You won't 'feel' any different to him. Not all women have a noticeable blood loss from 'losing their cherry'. Quite honestly, you sound like you love him a lot. And that he loves you. Why risk messing things up over a casual-sex encounter with a guy you didn't much care for anyway? I hope this does not sound devious? I know we like to think we always tell the truth. Omit nothing. Confess. Talk straight and tell it like it is. And so on. There are some situations where this blunt blanket of a maxim is actually a selfish act, not a virtue. In effect, what right have you got to upset him because of something YOU did? I hope you 'get' what I'm proposing in this reply? You 'make it up to him' NOT by easing YOUR conscience with a confession, but through deference to him. Two negative make a positive, likewise two 'wrongs' can indeed make a 'right'. And in this case I feel they will. Gamblers regulalrly win on a bluff. Just keep your nerve mate! Best wishes. X
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I'm really sorry for the late response.
I spoke to several people who had the same situation. I also spoke to the people who have been on the receiving end. As you may have read in my previous advice, solutions are always based on logical thinking. And, I am only here in order to guide people to assess situations properly. I will never tell people what to do.
Another thing that you should know is that, I am very straightforward. I am not here to make people feel better. I am here to guide people to get over problems. So if you're ready for the painful truth and want to move on from this situation, read on.
That being said, let's talk about your dilemma.
I want you to understand that the value of "virginity" would only depend on how people would see it. Some culture would give high importance to it like a gift, to some cultures, it is just something to hold them back from giving in to primal sexual urges. And from what you wrote, you are confused about its importance. You have given it to someone casually, but value so much that you think it should be a gift to your special guy. You have to really reflect on how you value it because from how it looks like, it is not about virginity. I would say that you are bothered because of the actions of infidelity.
Mind you, your reason of it hurting with the act and you not wanting your special guy to be the one to share your terrible experience with is just your rationalisation in order to feel better. Love, as I would want to point it out, entails sacrifice, and mutual acceptance. Do you actually feel better when you think about it that the reason why you did it is just because you wanted to get it over with and that you didn't want to share the terribly painful experience with your special guy? You have to ask yourself if you're just making this as your excuse in order to feel better. Most people would try to wash their hands over a matter than can bother them causing sleepless nights.
People would also say, "I just didn't tell you because it's not the right time." The truth of the matter is that, it is just a lie covered in a velvet glove. Regardless, prolonging to tell him the truth is just another way of lying. So please, be mindful of this.
When you did the act of infidelity, you were aware that you were making a mistake, and yet, you still went through with it. At that given time, you know too well about the consequences that would come after. Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing you. I want you to realise that you are just acting according to your normal human impulse. Morally though, if you believe in morality, the act was wrong. The whole idea is wrong. And, no matter how we try to hide it with words, the truth will still dictate that it is wrong.
On the plus side, your friend is right by saying that silence would be helpful in the situation because there is no point of telling your special guy. Let me just tweak that up a bit.
Silence will help the situation because as long as he doesn't know, I don't think he would have the reason to go against you.
Given the factoid that right off the bat, mathematically, 50% or successful relationships are based on lies. But, consider that there is a point to it. The point is simple. Can you handle a relationship based on a lie? not just any lie, it is you who would lie.
Of the several people i've talked to who had similar situations, the case of infidelity came down to the following conclusions:
1. The guy left because infidelity is a big thing.
2. The friends of the women who committed the act of infidelity called those guys who left cowards, and egotistic. (They also believed that there was nothing wrong with what their friends did because guys do it all the time.
3. The guy stayed saying "Love conquers all." (Number of that? 2 out of 97 respondents)
4. The guy needed some time, used the infidelity against the girl, which led to the increased number of domestic violence.
5. The guy stayed and was considered a martyr. (Most women who had this scenario left the guy because of a bothered conscience)
Those are the more significant outcomes of telling a guy about infidelity.
My take on it? Please accept the fact that what you did will change your life forever. You can't hide anymore. You may be able to hide it from everyone else, but not to yourself. And if you would let it eat you from within, it may lead to depression.
Again, you were aware of what happened and you gave consent to it. Therefore, you are aware of the consequences.
Hopefully, you'd be able to assess your situation more. And I do hope that with what I said, you would do the right thing.
Thank you. And, Good luck.
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Whenever I'm at a loss for what to do in a relationship, I try to think what I would want if I were in my partner's shoes. In this case, you're doing the right thing by preparing to tell your boyfriend the truth. Your friend may say "there is no point" but your boyfriend--and others--will tell you that the point is ALWAYS to be honest with your partners. Wouldn't >you< want to know if your loved one was cheating on you?
It's not my place to say, but the fact you: slept with The Other Guy when you have a "wonderful" boyfriend, had sex because you "wanted to get it over with", and "am kind of glad only because it was extremely painful" is quite telling of where your mind is right now. Meaning, you are still young and immature (and I mean that as inoffensively as possible, so please don't take it personally.) Sex is not something you should ever feel forced into, or forced to get over with. Sex is meant to be an act of love and/or passion between two consenting adults; even then, you should never feel as if you NEED to have sex--do what feels comfortable to YOU, when it feels comfortable to YOU.
However, you're doing the right thing by preparing to be honest with your boyfriend. So plan a day that you can see him; if that's not possible, then plan a day for the two of you to Skype or speak to each other in a more direct manner--just tell him the truth about what happened and reaffirm your love for him. That's what it comes down to: taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
I can't say whether or not your boyfriend will choose to stay with you, and the two of you will have to work hard to preserve trust in the relationship, but--no matter what--I'm certain he will want to know the full truth.
Good luck.
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Okay, so it really depends on how well you can handle things. If you really can't take the guilt- then you're going to have to tell him. But if you can just try to forget about it, then do. There's not really anything to gain out of telling him. I know that it's always good to be honest, but some things are better left unsaid. But if you do tell him it will probably destroy the relationship, as he won't be able to trust you in the same way. I'm not going to lie and say that he'll forgive you and everything will be okay, but if you really can't handle the guilt then it's better if you do tell him. I will warn you that it may come back to haunt you, so be prepared incase (for some reason) he does find out from someone else. It would be better to hear it from you- but it would be best not to hear it at all. If you have to tell him, make sure you stress that you did it just to get it over with- not because you're in love with the other guy. At the end of the day we all make mistakes, and these things happen. But whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out- and I hope this helped! :)
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I believe you should tell him. If he loves you he deserves your honesty. You have to realize this is going to break his heart and break his trust in you. He might possibly break up with you, but you are becoming an adult now and this is the mature thing to do.You can't go on living a lie. The fact is you knowingly cheated on him and when you make bad choices there are consequences. You need to come clean ASAP. If you truly love this guy then you know he deserves better than this from you! Hopefully his feelings for you are strong enough to get past it. If not this is a lesson well learned. Personally I am having a lot of trouble with your explanation of how you planned this and in your own words "were completely aware of what you were doing" and yet never stopped to think of your boyfriend's feelings or reactions at any point before you followed through with it! You give no reason why you you chose not to wait and have this special experience with your boyfriend, other than wanting to "get it over with"! I'm sorry but this whole story just doesn't add up for me! Cold hard truth is you used one guy for sex and then tried to make a fool of another one by cheating behind his back and continuing to let him believe his virgin girlfriend is waiting for him! You seem to know his heart well enough to know he will be shattered. Why didn't you think of that BEFORE you willingly lost your virginity?!!I realize you are only 17 but you need to stand back and take a good look at this behavior!I really don't think you are ready for a committed relationship yet. You should come clean, let this guy go and just be a teenager for a while and enjoy your life!I hope this all works out with as little pain as possible to all parties involved! Good luck!
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If the roles were reversed, what would you want to happen? Would you want to know that he had slept with someone else or would you be better off not knowing? If he told you he'd just done it to get it over with and that it didn't mean anything, would you believe him? Would you stay with him?
What happens if you tell him and he says don't worry he did the same thing?
Answer these questions honestly and then you'll have a better idea what to do now. The worst you can do is hide it from him and then tell him far in the future. Either tell him now or not at all.
No matter what you do, make sure you have been tested for any STDs before you sleep with someone else.
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I think you need to tell him the truth. It may hurt him, it may break him, but he needs to know now rather than later. Long distance relationships are very hard and most of the time do not work. Relationships do not work if you aren't honest with each other. There is a possibility that he might try to move forward and try to learn to trust you again. He could love you enough to try to work through the complications which can help the relationship grow, but he deserves to know what happens and he doesn't deserve lies.
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Look I'm with your friend.
What will really come out of you telling him?
He's gonna be hurt. He's gonna be mad. He might leave you. He'll be wary of women forever (albeit with good reason).
You want to confess because you think it'll make you feel better, and it will. Him being mad is what you want. You want some semblance of punishment for something you feel guilty for.
That's great and all, but all this accomplishes is hurting someone that you care about.
You need to get this other guy off your back, and you need to NOT tell your boyfriend if you're hoping to make this work. It's totally dishonest, sure. I can't disagree with you, but sometimes honesty isn't the best policy.
If you tell him, you're going to hurt him, and he's not going to trust you again. He might say he will. He might give it a good try, but the first time you step even a toe out of line, he'll be down your throat and bringing this up ALL OVER AGAIN. Over and over and over again, because he will NEVER be able to trust you.
You messed up. It happens.
Now you have to decide what you're going to do about it.
You tell him and risk everything that you want with him. You risk your relationship, your reputation, your credibility.
You don't tell him and you risk him finding out someday. But it's easier cleanup. Less broken hearts to cut yourself on.
Get rid of the other guy. Tear his heart out. If you want a future with your man, this other guy can't be anywhere around.
If you care more about feeling better, then be prepared to throw away your relationship.
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You can't build a relationship on a lie. Yes, you should tell him. Tell him the exact truth, as it happens and let him make his own decision. Yes, it might crush him, yes he might leave you, or he might decide to works things out.
Even if things don't work out, you're still very young. You're very young to be saying that he's the only guy who you want to be with. He's your first love and tons of girls feel this way about the first guy who they develop feelings for, but then life gets in the way of things.
So, even if the two of you break up, although it will be painful, just know that eventually you will move on, hold yourself together, and focus on getting over him and staying faithful to the guys who you date.
Sometimes you have to make mistakes to grow. Don't feel too anxious about telling him the truth, yes, he may leave you but relationships have grown stronger after cheating.
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