about


advice

You answered my question about making a job change recently. After initially accepting the offer, I recanted and turned it down. Later that day the HR Manager left me a voicemail stating management really liked me and wanted to sweeten the offer. I called this morning. Instead of making an offer, she asked me what it would take to get me to come. I gave her a number that was 6% more than what Iwas offered, but still well within the stated salary range. She later sent an email saying she gave the proposal to management and that they were going to pursue other candidates. They didn't even make a counter offer, and said they really didn't think I wanted the job. I thought it was bizarre.

Not really sure what your question is here. Why did you turn the job down, was it because of pay? If so and you'd only accept it at 6% higher than they offered, then sure - you didn't really want the job unless they paid you more. Sounds like a fair enough comment from them. If you turned it down for some other reason that gives even more weight to the perception that you didn't really want the job. Does it really matter though? Move on, find something else :)

Edit: Your feedback to me was "Yes you idiot, I turned it down because it made no sense to move and start a new job. I would have lost money doing that". So you didn't really want the job. Yes? Still not really understanding what you are asking or what you are hoping to get out of this.

[view]


15/f and I have a few questions about having pubic hair. I don't have wax available to me so I do shave it but that area gets really irritated and forms bumps of red and is really rough unlike the skin on my legs or underarms when they are shaved. Also, in which direction is it better to shave the pubic region? Sorry this is awkward

In addition to rainhorse68's advice - have you considered hair removal creams? I also have the same problem as you in that my skin gets really irritated after shaving that area so I use Nair, but there is also Veet and probably other brands you can try. You apply the cream, leave it for 10-15 mins and then scrape it off. Usually they supply a plastic scraper or you can just use your nails (but don't be too rough!). Maybe give a cream a go if you still have problems with shaving.

[view]


Hi there. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for several months now, (8 to be exact.)
I'll get straight to the point. So basically, I am her second boyfriend, and she's absolutely crazy about me. As of recent, she calls me her "partner" and soulmate. I feel extremely uncomfortable, and I don't feel the same way when she expresses these things. We have had arguments here and there, and when I suggest the thought of breaking up/leaving her. She starts crying, getting all emotions and saying things such as: "I don't want to ever lose you, I'd be in pain for the rest of my life, etc etc. I can't handle this anymore, and quite frankly, it's annoying. I'm afraid that if I break up with her, her parents will possibly take revenge on me. (Paranoid I know.) Seeing as I have a good relationship with them. Also, seeing as my girlfriend has her grade HSC trials (Here in Australia.) I don't want to leave her in a position where she stops functioning, and going to school.
What should I do?

Just break up with her! People break up with each other all the time, it's part of life. Don't worry about her parents - unless her previous boyfriend disappeared mysteriously in which case call the cops! :)

If you really think she wouldn't cope and would mess up her HSC trials (whatever those happen to be!) then you could wait until after she's done them, but honestly it really isn't your problem. She needs to learn that she can't use emotional blackmail to get people to stay with her.

[view]


i am a female and i have a boyfriend. i'm almost 17 and he's 16. we've been together for 5 months now. i went to a guy's house, we did have a short fling, but it's over now and he ended up trying to pressure me into things, i continuously repeated i didn't want to cheat and even ended up crying over it in front of him, but that didn't stop him and he threatened to make me walk home, i was about 40 minutes from my house and had no clue where i was. so i got scared and allowed him to do some things to me..i never kissed him or touched him. then he got rather aggressive at one point and had me pinned against the wall, my back to him and arms behind my back held by his body, pulled my hair back hard and place his hand over my neck. at that point i was frightened if i didn't let him go farther he'd do it anyway and well i got him to agree to keep all clothes on and nothing goes inside of me. well the next day i told my boyfriend, he was quite pissed and yelled at me, telling me how stupid i was and that i cheated..i honestly have no clue what to do because i NEED to make it up to him and at the same time i feel like he should break up with me. also i want him to hold me and tell me it's okay and that i'm safe, yet i don't want to be touched ever again.....what do i do about everything?

It's not clear from your question whether the short fling you had was while you were with your boyfriend or not, and you also didn't say why you were at his house to begin with. Think about it from your boyfriends point of view - it does look bad I'm afraid, like you're trying to cover up cheating by blaming this other guy for forcing you into something.

The best you can do is explain what happened to your boyfriend, tell him how it has affected you in terms of being touched etc, and make him completely certain that you will NEVER see this other guy again. The rest is going to be up to your boyfriend: he may want to stay with you or he may not but that is up to him. At least if you do break up you will know not to put yourself in that position again.

In the meantime you should phone a rape crisis line or contact voluntary counseling services such as the Samaritans who can help you work through what has happened to you. If you are still with your boyfriend then ask him to be patient with you while you deal with it.

[view]


2 friends (females and I'm also a female we are all 11) tease me, but not involving weight, looks, religion, stuff like that, it's more like saying no to something, then doing it anyway, and sometimes they'll just separate themselves unless I come to them and then there was this:
Friend: I once met Bethany Mota, I hugged her.
Me: wasn't she freaked out?
Friend: no, she's used to it, everyone hugs her, and she's not cracky and rude like you!

I don't think of myself as cracky and rude, if I'm anything in that category it's stubborn and short tempered. And those friends aren't perfect, one is insecure and and immature, the other hates almost everything, and sees Miley Cyrus as a role model, which speaks for itself. I tease them too.

You don't like it when you friends tease you then why do you do it to them? It sounds like all of this is coming from you and your friends' insecurities. Work on building each other up and everyone will be much happier. Compliment them, treat them well, point out their good characteristics. Soon they will do the same for you.

[view]


I broke my leg and I am layed up in bed for a while. What do I do to loose weight, because I can't work out. I've been eating alot moe too, because I
m bored. What should I do to stay thin?

If you want to loose weight when you can't work out then you need to control your eating. Find something else to keep you entertained - TV, crossword puzzles, computer games, books, visitors etc. If you have someone bringing you food in bed, ask them to help you but either not bringing you so much, or bringing you different foods like vegetables to snack on.

[view]


So I'm a 35 y/o f and I met a younger guy (24) on a dating website. He told me straight out that he was only looking to hook up was not looking for anything serious. I was very attracted to him so I agreed to this. Needless to say me being the emotional person I am, I did develop feelings for him after only a few times getting together. When I told him this (through text bc who talks in person anymore? Lol) he was nice but said we should probably end things. I told him I'd still wanted to see him but it was up to him. His response was "let's take a break" that was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Should I just consider this over? Or should I still cling to that small hope he'll contact me.? I'm so confused....

I agree with the other responses so far: it's over. He most likely said "taking a break" because he wanted to end the conversation in the easiest way because you were pushing to stay together, even after he said you should end things. He was up front with you about not wanting a relationship, so don't hope for him to contact you. Time to move on!

[view]


i liked this girl i started dating who i thought was an innocent girl. in fact i didn't even try to kiss her until the third date because of how innocent i thought she was. well the thing is after i kissed her and don't ask me why we started talking about sexual experiences ( i thought she had practically none so what did i have to fear). well i found out she is what is known as a virgin slut or virgin whore, a girl who is still a virgin but has kissed around 40 guys and had blown off 4 guys just because she was horny and returning the favor after they had sucked her off.
i feel a little disgusted with the horny attitude with random guys in the past and don't know what i should think.
anyway, she is leaving the country for a year so we broke up but still talk as friends. we only kissed so i didn't even get blown off myself but she is going to do some religion studies outside the country, meaning no more sex life for at least that year (no kissing, no nothing). the thing is she went to Aruba as her last opportunity to party and i hate the feeling i get when i think about the certainty of she kissing at least a couple of guys a night (which really doesn't bother me that much)and the possibility of she sucking a guy off just because she is horny (that one does bother me).
i know this inst exactly a question but i need counsel from someone.
thanks in advance.

You need to think about why you are feeling this way. If you are just friends now then why is the thought of her being with other people bothering you?

Could it be that you are annoyed that you didn't get blown off but other men did? Is that her issue or yours?

Why would you fear talking to a woman about her previous sexual experiences?

You are coming across as quite judgemental of this woman and her behaviour. It also sounds like you have a lot of jealousy still but this is most likely because you have broken up recently and still have feelings for her.

Do your best to move on from this relationship. It's not a good idea for you to be with her if you are going to judge her this much. Find someone else and stop worrying about what she is up to in Aruba, as it doesn't (and shouldn't) affect you.

[view]


How to lose weight

Track your food for 3-5 days and see how much you are eating - this would be the amount you eat to stay at the same weight (assuming your weight is currently stable)

The next step is to take that food diary and either make your portions smaller, or eliminate all the junk food and alcohol, and eat like that for a week or two. If you lose 1-2 pounds a week then stick with it. If not you can try other things like swap any drinks you are having for water, or even adding some exercise into your routine (walking is fine!).

[view]


i am a 13 year old boy and am skinny. all i do almost is eat and it all goes to my stomach and makes it perk out and i don't like it at all almost all of the kids my age and up have big muscles abs and a good chest and is healthy how can i be healthy, get meat on me and have a good looking body please give me some pointers and tips to help me look good instead of a skeleton.

If you want muscle you will need to start playing a sport or going to gym. Check at your gyms though as some don't allow younger teenage members. There are lots of body weight exercises you can do like callisthenics if you don't have access to a gym.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calisthenics

If your stomach is sticking out after you eat then this could be bloating due to carbohydrate intake (bread, pasta, rice, cereal, potato etc). You could switch to a high protein, high fat diet instead - lots of meat, eggs, cheese, cream, butter etc (and don't forget your vegetables!). Remember you will have to eat more to put on weight, especially if you increase your activity levels.

[view]


I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm overweight so I'm on a diet (a healthy one with exercise and all that) but I heard that staying up late can cause you to gain weight. Is this true? My eating habits don't change because I stay up late and I don't binge eat at night or anything. I go to bed at 3-5 AM but still get a full 8-10 hours (I'm on summer vacation and I don't have a job, I can sleep for as long as I want). So could this be affecting my weight loss?

No, you'll be fine. Try not to overcomplicate your diet by worrying about everything you hear or read, dieting is hard enough! Just track your progress and make adjustments when needed.

[view]


So I'm a lesbian and every time I have sex with my girlfriend I just never seem to orgasm. She's really into kinky Bdsm things but i don't think that would turn me on. Has anyone had any experience with this?

What does turn you on? Why don't you do whatever that is occasionally rather than always doing what your girlfriend is into. Speak to her and suggest new/different things to do to each other.

[view]


I'm Male, 19 years old. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 16 months. We're both virgins. Lately, since I started working, I've had the temptation to just go out and cheat. I'm always super horny and fantasizing about doing stuff with other girls. I love my girlfriend and I feel super guilty for wanting to cheat. We never really do anything besides kiss. I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want, and I don't pressure her. But she'll do stuff that hints that she wants to do something, then doesn't do it. Like sometimes we'll be sitting and she'll grab me and/or stroke me for a few seconds then stop. Sometimes she'll put my hand on her crotch so I could rub, but we never go any further. I work at a busy place in nyc, so I'm always seeing and meeting nice attractive girls. I always fantasize on my train commute too. Like everyday. Sometimes I even wonder about calling an escort, but I don't want to mess up.

Don't cheat. If you decide you want to have sex with another woman more than you want to be with your girlfriend then show her some respect by breaking up with her first.

Don't turn this into an ultimatum however, because as you say you shouldn't pressure your girlfriend into doing anything she doesn't want to do. This is a decision you'll need to make independently.

See an escort if you want but again only do this AFTER you have broken up with your girlfriend.

[view]


I am 25 years old and I am a female and I had oral sex for thefirst time ever I have ner fone anything sexual before nowb in my life and I am a virgin . I knowbyou proble dodon't get a lot of women who are old as I am who are virgins asking about stds on this site but iam terrified that I might have aids when I didn't even have intercourse. We were both naked and he ate me out and I sucked his dick and he gingered me could I get aids from letting this guy that I have known since I was 16 do this to me . I know this may make .e sound like a whore but we was only dating a week before he wanted to have sex and I said didn't want to have sex so we decided on oral sex . I am so scared because the other day I was in the shower and I noticed 3 little bumps inside my vagiana and I also have a boil that's kind of grey looking sorry if this is to grafic but I wanted to give you complete detail of what's going on with me so you could answer my question properly. I talked to my cousin about my situation and she said that I needed to go see a gbyon and get tested for aids and other stds . I am so scared. Please help . I made an appointment gor the 10th of my next month and iam absolutely terrified because I don't know what to they are going to do. How do they check for aids is it s blood test or do they actually have to check down there ? Will they tell anyone if I have aids . Please help me. Thank you so much.

Listen to your cousin. It sounds like you may have an infection or something, but it is very unlikely you have AIDS. AIDS will be a blood test but they will also have to check your groin area so be prepared for that, and let them do it. They are not allowed to tell anyone else about your condition (if you have one) so be open with them and help them so that they can help you.

They see this stuff hundreds of times a week - there is nothing to be embarrassed about :) Good luck!

[view]


I think that I am a well-spoken individual who communicates clearly and articulately, but sometimes due to social awkwardness, shyness, forgetfulness and nervousness, I say things without really thinking and I end up communicating things incorrectly. For example, every time I have some kind of activity lately, it always involves my family and so to my boss, it seems like I don’t have a social life/any friends. I think it’s because I don’t think I talk about my friends enough. Furthermore, I’ve just happened to have a lot of family-related activities. Of course, I’m not ashamed of that. I love my family so much and love spending time with them and am glad we’re tight. But I want it to be clear that I have a social life, too. And just because I don’t talk about every single activity I have doesn’t mean that my friends don’t exist. I find myself randomly mentioning them to prove that they exist but I don’t feel any better. I had mentioned that I was going away with a friend (my mom’s friend’s daughter and my mom). I didn’t know that my mom’s friend and her daughter’s children and their grandmother were coming, too, but whatever...I love all of them and we had a great time! Thing is, maybe my boss didn’t remember because when I told her about our trip today and mentioned my mom, she said, “I thought you were going with your friend” and I said yes it was her plus all the others. So it seemed like it was just another family outing and that I left details out to prove a point (even though I mentioned our mothers). Then I purposely asked her advice on places to go that were nightlife-ish and to eat for me and my mom’s friend’s daughter just to prove that I’m social. And now I feel like I’m trying to push myself to remember to mention every social activity I have with a friend.

But I worry that it seems fake and like I am making it up. Of course, I am not. I guess my question to you is what you think I can do resolve this. I know that at the end of the day, what matters most is what I think of myself and how I view myself, but at the same time, I don’t think I can just sit around and allow her to perceive me as some little child who has no friends or social life. I do think that another issue is that I am too shy and don’t share things about myself. There are a lot of cool things that I am doing and cool things about myself that I, for whatever reason, cannot share naturally. Meaning that I just don’t think to mention it.

There are other examples. My job involves working in a specific neighborhood in the city and while I am familiar with some parts of it, generally speaking, I don’t know every single part of it very well. I guess because she mentioned some places in the neighborhood that I don’t know, she assumed that I know absolutely nothing about it. And despite attempts to say that I do know some, she keeps saying I know absolutely nothing about it. So now I’m once again trying to find ways to prove it that feel unnatural. Even more, in an effort to be more sociable/personal, I told her that my parents want me to find a husband. What I meant to say is that somewhere down the line, they want me to find a husband but that I do want to date until I find the right person (and of course, my parents want the same). Thankfully when she asked me if it was an arranged marriage kind of thing, I said that it’s not like that, but still.

Or it could very well be that I am overanalyzing the situation and thinking about it too much. The bottom line is that I am tired of obsessing over this 24/7. I just want to be happy and natural and not have to force myself to say things. How do I beat this once and for all and start living for me and no one else? I really like my boss and we get along very well and she has taught me so much, so I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t like her or that she doesn’t like me, but I don’t want her to get the wrong impression of me either.

You are overthinking it! Your boss probably hasn't given any of this a second thought. I am a boss and while I have a good relationship with my employees, I do not care who they spend their time with after work or how well they know the neighbourhood. Don't stress so much over all this and just concentrate on doing your job properly - that's all she wants to see :)

[view]


I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.

For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.

Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.

In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.

I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.

To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.

What would you do?

What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?

How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?

What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.

Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?

Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.

Thanks in advance.

-Troubled

Now is the time to be selfish - break up with her. There is no future in this relationship for you and while it is commendable that you are thinking of her visa and work situation, it really isn't your problem. She has made her choices and now needs to deal with the consequences. Walk away without guilt - you have done nothing wrong and you need to take care of you now.

Tell her the truth: you are breaking up with her because she is cheating on you. No need to explain further. I don't know what kind of agreement you have with her in terms of living arrangements but you could give her 1 months' notice and say she has to be out by X date. You can support and help her to move as much as you care to but don't feel obliged to do this. The last month will be difficult but not impossible! I know from experience - you will be fine :) If you can sleep in separate bedrooms that would probably help, or maybe one of you can take the sofa for the last few weeks.

On the final day make sure you have a few friends around to "help her move" but actually they will be there to support you in case she causes a scene.

Good luck buddy. You sound like a person with a good heart and I hope that you move on from this and find someone who deserves you.

[view]


My husband is in the military and after 13 years he is separating due to medical reasons. He wants to move back to our hometown to be near both of our families, primarily his mother and aunt. Well, I am hesitate. I didn't have the best childhood due to both of my parents being alcoholics. They both still drink heavily and can get violent and emotional when doing so. My oldest brother still lives in the area and drinks excessively as well. To top it off, my sister-in-law and her husband live about an hour away and love to drink and party and are somewhat open swingers. Their sexually active 15 year old daughter is free to do as she pleases and their 12 year old son is often left on his own. While I respect my husband for wanting to be near his mother and his disabled aunt, I am having a hard time dealing with the fact of being near the rest of our family. While it would be nice to be near family, this is not the situation I have envisioned. I don't want our children thinking drinking excessively and having multiple partners is okay. Should I accept the fact we are moving back and deal with the situation as it comes or continue trying to talk my husband into moving somewhere else?

Speak to your husband and voice your concerns. Depending on how often your husband wants to see his mother and aunt it could be possible to move within striking distance so that he would travel a few hours to see them every couple of weeks. If he wants to see them more often and potentially help take care of his aunt then maybe you should consider moving somewhere larger and having them come stay with you.

It's also possible to live close to your family and not have them so involved in your lives that they influence you and your kids, but that is up to you and how much you let them be a part of your family. Remember that just because your children witness this behaviour it doesn't mean they will think it is ok, especially if you have taught them otherwise.

[view]


this is odd but i need someone who knows a little something about when it comes to hiring plumbers.

I rent a two bed, two bath place and we continually have plumbing issues. we have the standard low flush/low consumption toilets which clog ALL THE TIME, even to the point to where even a standard plunger cannot unclog it. Well ive had a leaking tub faucet for the past month and called my management company to fix the leaking THAT, but also asked to have the plumber check out one of my toilets as well (just a quick look to make sure theres nothing legitimately wrong with that toilet ) my question is, it is normal or fair for the property management to charge ME for the plumber to come out to fix the faucet?

last time i called to have management send a plumber to unclog my toilet, (cause my son flushed the toilet paper spinner down it) i got charge 400 bucks! just for that! and he did the same thing i just asked this guy to do. i soooo dont wanna get charged 400 bucks because i also asked him to check out my toilet while he was here fixing the leaky faucet. = / i cant afford that.

can they do that?? i know that theres certain things that THEY have to cover, but idk if they can try to pin the toilet thing on me, there was nothing wrong with the toilet, he said he would let them know that. The toilet just has a small throat and clogs easier then the better toilets.

It's possible that they think you are causing the toilet to block unnecessarily (by your son flushing things down it) and that is why you are being charged. Most management companies will pay for plumbing within reason. You should check your tenancy agreement and see what it says about general maintenance and/or plumbing.

[view]


Its been almost 3 years and they have had there good times and bad times but today i didnt talk to her because I didnt want to fight and when we spoke she kept fighting with me... I feel like dying because she is my life and i am so stressed out, what should I do?

It sounds like you are stuck in a rut of fighting with each other. Try a change of scenery - go and do something together that you don't normally do, get away from your usual surroundings and remember what it is that you love about each other. Try to bring the fun back :)

[view]


Is it possible & worth cleaning the slate & restarting a 15yr relationship when he has cheated & lied about it to your face for 6yrs that you know of! And you ALWAYS believed him when you ask him questions,and he also tries to avoid or stay on the question. Basically BROKE my trust & faith in him! And other issues in relationship but KNOWS he cares & have tried to breakup before but ALWAYS drawn back! THERE IS A COSMIC LIKE CONNECTION BETWEEN US lim 35 he is 37

Honestly? No, it doesn\'t sound like things will change. You may feel like you are being drawn back to him but this may simply be because it is what you know having been with him for so long. Don\'t stay with someone who lies and cheats on you all the time; you can do better than this.

[view]



<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker