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still in love but he wants to call it a friendship?
I have been dating my boyfriend for one and a half years now. He was in the same college, two years elder. Passed out the year we started dating and started working. We haven't ever had major problems except for once when he couldn't clear a major exam and his parents blamed it on his distraction because of me but we eventually got back because he got a good job and he loved me.
We just spent the last ten days together on a holiday with his friends and a couple of mine and then at his place alone for a couple of days.
We got into a petty fight two days back and he told me he really thinks we should see new people. He feels since I'm just 19 and he's 22 there is a lot more in life then getting serious for each other.
I let him be for a day and when we met next to talk this out he said he doesn't want to see new people. He was just saying that to make me angry. But he feels like we should break up because he thinks relationships are restrictive and he feels bound and he can't be himself. He told me he wants to still be with me and do all the things we used to do like go out for dinners, watch movies etc but he can't be physical with me. He feels when we do he gets too emotionally attached to me and he doesn't want that .We are too into each other.
He accepted that he still loves me and will because I'm a huge part of his life and he doesn't want to feel this way for any other girl. But right now he feels like he isn't fit for relationships and he can't see himself in one ever, even in the future. He knows i'd wait for this to work out but he said he didnt want to give me false hopes. He would try to make this work out too but right now he cant.
He feels now that we are bound by a relationship he would be able to express his feelings better in front of me. He loves me as much as he loves him mom and best friends and he wants me to be there but he said he can live without the sex.
We agreed on neither breaking up or dating. And I couldn't accept calling this a friendship so we just agreed on not defining it till he clears his head. But I can't stop feeling hurt and insecure.
I love him. But I can't understand what happened to him suddenly. What am I supposed to do? I'm in a delimma because I want him and this relationship back. Is there a chance ? Is this just a phase and should I just play along by giving him time?
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Not to hurt your feelings but I assume your on here wanting real advice so I'll give it to you. To me those are signs he's either talking to someone else or wants to has someone in mind. At least he's being respectful ending it with you to talk to someone else and not cheat on your your best bet is to give a little space you are both young and there is a lot out their to explore if it is meant to be you will both find your ways back together
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Look, I i know you love him and it sounds like he does love you back. Yes he has a point that you guys are young and he doesn't want/or does feel restricted by any relationship. Yet he shouldn't be stringing you along like this.
I suggest you go up to him and say "We need to take a break while you clear your head about if you want us together or not." Cause honey It is NOT fair for him to be saying we aren't dating right now, BUT i want you to wait for me! That is in no way fair!!
He may need sometime to clear his head and get a grip on things and think about what he wants. You can still have feelings for him, he might still have them for you but it is not your responsibility to wait for him. You're young and free! Maybe meet some new guys and make some friends (nut don't jump into anything too serious yet!) Have fun and I wish you the best of luck
- Hardcore Band Geek
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It seems to me that he has commitment issues. This can be very hard for the other person in the relationship (you.) Ultimately the decision is up to you. If you are okay with being in a relationship without the label then stick around and see what happens. But if you can see yourself wanting to be married and have kids one day, then maybe it's time you should date other people and devote your time to someone who is willing to give you their full attention. It sounds to me that he is not ready to be tied down and that he is wanting to have your attention along with other female attention. This is something that I personally would not be okay with. Especially when you have been in a relationship with him for that long. It would be all or nothing but I would not be okay with watching someone that I love date someone else. This, like I said, is completely up to you. I am telling you from the outside that you deserve better and someone one day, will want to spend time with you and call you their own. But, you're young. So if you want to run wild and free and date a variety of people; more power to you! It really is just your preference and an unfortunate necessity to growing up. Just try to not let it break your heart. Good luck and let me know if you need anything else.
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from what you have said i can see that he loves you but he does not trust himself he believe that he going to cheat on you. tell him you not in hie life to enslave him say you are in his life to give him joy and freedom. know you need to give him space with girls let him mingle with girls if he did not cheat you and later come to you that is ready then he is yours. when you giving show him care, dont be jeolous just observe him.
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We'll if you really love him like you say you could wait but to be honest woman to woman when a guy say that he is not ready for a relationship that only means he wants to be free and date others and see what else is out there don't feel bad about this it's guys... But just know by him telling you this he really loves you because I had to find my boyfriend in the act of cheating for him to tell me he just wanted to be friends. He probably broke your heart but just think to your self he did it the right way. Only thing you could do is wait for him and pray and let him know that you really feel like he could be himself around you and you want him to open up. Or you could move on. Moving on could be hard but once you find someone that loves you like never before you will realize that everything happens for a reason you go through bad to get the goods
Good luck I wish you the best xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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He is breaking up with you but he is doing it the long way round because he doesn't want to hurt you. Which is sweet of him, but the end result will be the same.
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There is a LOT more going on in his head than what he is telling you. He could be questioning his sexuality or he could indeed have someone else in his life who is fulfilling his sexual needs but I am almost certain he is not being completely honest with you. My advice to you is do as he asked and move on. He has already told you this won't change. You can save yourself a lot more pain if you just believe him. Good luck!
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Both of you need a good break of atleast a year.. 19 or 20 year age is not a an age mature enough to take important decisions of life..its better not to read too much... And dont make him occupy most of the place of your life..occupy yourself with others things you enjoy doing
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He said he doesn't want to give you false hope, but that's exactly what you're trying to grasp in the situation. You're still young, don't waste another day holding on to what is really just an important and meaningful lesson in how to love. This is one kind of love, but not the kind you'll ultimately enjoy from someone who wouldn't even think of letting you go. You don't want to be on a list with a guy's mom, you want to be his object of worship and his every eager breath. It is not a phase, and even if it were, you don't want to teach a guy that your time doesn't matter, that you will sit around and twiddle your thumbs through his idiotic phases. Go flirt with the world and seek out magnificent challenges in your career and personal growth. This is a time you won't get back, don't waste it on someone who has clearly told you he would be wasting your time if you stayed.
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Sorry for you dear! He does not want to be in a relationship but he says he loves you. But again he says he doesn't want to give a you any false hope! What that's mean?
For me relationship never can be a problem when two people love each other equally. When we truly love someone we want to be in a relationship. Because we want to spend our hole life with them. Like now you want a relationship with him because you truly love him. You fear about losing him. This is the sign of true love. But don't know why he behaving like this. I think you should talk to him directly. If he really loves you give him some time and tell him you can wait for him. Try to figure out the real problem. You know each other for one and half year. It's not a long time at all. May be you don't know many things about him. May be he had a wound from of love previously that's why he is behaving like this. Coz he has a fear of hurting again.
Try to understand him and the situation.
Good luck dear.
If you need any help again feel free to ask.
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It looks plain to me, at his age 22, he is not ready to be in any kind of committed relationship, whether for long term or marriage. To him, dating is the same thing, a promise or commitment. It is good that he realizes he isn't ready to give his love to a girl. And so he would prefer to not get involved at all emotionally..or if he senses the girl is getting deep feelings for him, since he can't return that or wont yet, he pulls away. Well, that is his choice to make. I can't say that he will change his mind in a few months, a few years, or maybe never. It could be influence from the type of relationship his parents have, if its not a good one, or break ups of friends he's witnessed, or other marriages that end up in divorce. He may be the kind who when he makes the commitment, he wants it to be for life, with no breaks, no turning back, no divorce. He can't possibly know yet what he is looking for in a woman. He may know partially...there's some things about you he likes.
I do have a concern though about him saying the words, 'I can live without the sex'. Either that's a lie, or he has an extremely low sex drive, or he may not be hetero. The kind of love he says he has for you is real love, it's just not the kind that occurs between a man and woman who commit to each other for long term or life.
If he loves you like mom, sibs or friends, then he loves you just as a friend. Maybe he will never be anything more than a friend. Yes there are plenty men who enjoy best friendship with a female and are afraid of losing the friendship is she finds someone else to fall in love with who feels the same and is ready to commit in marriage. At 19, you still have plenty of time. A great majority of people who marry in their early twenties really have no idea what they are doing and the mate they have chosen ends up not being the best at all or perhaps a terrible one as happened to me, marrying at 20. After 30 yrs finally had the guts to leave and now am remarried to a wonderful man. The reason divorce is so high is because too many people get into relationships that are not the right one for them because they don't have any other experiences or other people they dated to make comparisons with. We may thing what we have is the best thing in the world when on a scale of one to ten, the guy is a 1 or 2 when you should be shooting for 8,9 or 10 to have a great relationship. When we are older, wiser and more experienced, we often have a better idea of what to avoid and what to look for if we've paid attention.
He may be wanting to gain some experience first.
You can keep yourself emotionally available for him in hopes that the day will come when he is finally able to allow himself to fall in love.
If he's spending time with you, even guys who arent kissing and holding their girl, can have great burning desire for them and have a heart full of love, you can't help it. Once it shows up, you can't make it go away by labeling your relationship differently and treating each other as just friends. If he's only known you a month or two, I can understand wanting to wait. But after 18 months? And somehow, I have a feeling his parents have had some influence on him, regarding how having a romantic relationship can distract him from his studies. aND now that schools done, what else are they possibly telling him, that a girl will distract him from gaining things in his career? Thats his problem if he chooses to believe him. I sure as heck wouldn't want them for inlaws if they can influence him that greatly IF that is the case...not sure it is, but its possible.
So, he can live without sex, can you? He can only love you like he loves his mom, but has no deeply in-love with you feelings. If you are okay with him loving you like a sister and getting no emotional and sexual love for the rest of your life, that's your choice, then hang around with him as his buddy, never making your self available to another man who may fall in love and marry you. If you're okay with never being married and never having kids...those are things to think about too.
Just in case he was spooked by having too strong of feelings for you, again this would occur more over a short period of time. But perhaps he didn't get to see you often enough while in school to begin to have those feelings build, and now that he's out, and seeing you, maybe he got spooked with the intensity he was feeling.
If that is true, it can explain him pulling away like this, not wanting to lose you though cus he needs time to get a grip on what he is feeling. Cus a guy knows when he is feeling such intense feelings, they must be acknowledged and pretending to be friends is not going to work. He won't be able to pretend...he'll want to either enjoy the full benefits of and give you the benefits of a loving committed relationship. That or turn his back on those very real feelings cus he's not ready for them or doesnt want to ever acknowledgement them and just plan to walk away from it. You can't really know which way he is going to go.
If you don't want to wait for him to come to his senses, there's a better thing for you to do that will either wake him up and have him come professing his love and saying he wants you in his life forever, or nothing changes with him and another guy meets you and you end up with a wonderful husband in another guy, a just a friendship with him. If he said to see others but doesnt mean it, its cus he knows you're something special and one day another guy will snatch you up, at which point your time and energy goes first to your marriage and any children that result so you'll have lots less time for him as just a friend. You wont be there to be his constant companion as before, it will change and he knows that.
So you might say you'll always be glad to stay in touch and remain friends, but you are looking to experience some real love relationships with great sexual connection so you are going to date others. You aren't asking his permission, just telling him how it is. But you can't say that and not follow through. You should be open to losing him as a romantic love (which you dont have yet with him anyhow) and gaining someone who far surpasses him in your wildest dreams. DON'T settle for less dear.
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