Member Since: July 3, 2013
Answers: 130
Last Update: October 3, 2016
Visitors: 5804
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Hello, I'm freaking out and don't know what to do. I'm completely out of money and overdrafted by -$10 in my account.
I'm a college student who just moved off to college less than a month ago and found a new job three weeks ago. It turned out though that in the first two weeks my job didn't give me very many hours as I was training so I only wound up with about $110 for the first week and haven't been paid yet for this last week and won't be paid for this week until next Thursday or later.
My issue is that I have a car payment and car insurance which totals about $425 together and my car insurance was taken out this morning, which is what overdrafted me.
I even sold a watch that I loved to make money ($80) but I sold it online and now I won't get paid for it until the buyer gets it and accepts it, but who knows when that will be when I just shipped it today.
My car payment ($316) is due on the 26th and though I have a grace period I have no idea how I'm going to be able to make this!!!
Fortunately, because I am a college student I at least have a meal plan so I can depend on that for food during the week. However, I have no money for food on the weekends or anything else I might need. I'm also 100 miles behind on an oil change in my car so I don't even feel safe driving it and it needs a synthetic change which is $60! I don't know what to do, I feel like everything is a giant disaster right now!
I can't ask my mom or dad for money because they don't have any to spare and I'm stuck on campus without any friends since I'm new here.
Please help me with some ideas!
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Once you're in a situation like this, the most important advice is going to be on how to stay out of these situations, but before I get to the stuff that is currently "too little, too late" I'll help you brainstorm some quick cash ideas.
You're on a college campus, so some of the best (instant) money-makers around you are going to be studies and plasma/blood donations. I've typically gotten $10-$25/hr for studies in the psychology department (the highest paying were for MRI studies because the tight spaces freak some people out). They usually schedule you within the week and you almost always walk out with the cash or check. Look for quick gigs doing manual labor or babysitting or tutoring or start a laundry service on the hall of your dorm, none of those require special equipment or access to funds to get started. If you have any musical ability, consider busking! I've made over $100 one day singing really simple songs when I was stranded without gas or a place to stay on a long road trip, the trick is to make it look like you're having fun and then people feel good giving you money.
You've got enough to worry about, don't stress the oil change just based on the mileage, at least! Have a look for yourself at the color of the oil, and if it really needs it asap (it probably doesn't), then learn how to do it yourself, it's really not very difficult. I use synthetic oil and regularly go a thousand miles over what's recommended because the recommendations are simply overly conservative. However, I can't help but notice that a lot of your expenses are car-related. When looking at your long-term financial strategy, I hope you can see that you have way too much of your budget allocated to your car payment, insurance, gas, and maintenance costs. You'd probably be better off selling your car and getting any job on campus and relying on campus transit to get around so long as you can sell the car for enough to get out of the rest of your loan balance and have enough left over to cover some of your immediate needs. Even if the new job is a job you really like, figure out a way to get there by public transit or commute with another student. As a college student, you're a long ways off from being able to afford a car at $400+ a month (and that doesn't even include gas!). You could save up get a decent used car for the amount you're spending in 4 months. Look at the Kelly blue book value of your car to see whether you can afford to sell so you can get out from under your car expenses. You can typically sell for more privately advertising on Craigslist or in the local papers or on apps like offerup, 5miles or letgo than by selling it back to the dealer. You're going to get out of this hole very soon, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!
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Question Posted Tuesday October 4 2011, 1:28 pm
i do not know how to start this but appology for this long statement. i couldn't analyze these things anymore... let me start it this way, i am married for almost two years now and i love my husband. recently, i work with this lady and i find her very attractive. the thing is i don't know if she's gay or not and sending me mixed signals. i find her going on her way just to be around me or something, used to flirt with me before (i've seen her before i worked with her), stares at me when am not looking, used to stare at me when i was talking (before) and seems to be jealous when i talk to another men (like in a friendly way, not flirty). MOST IMPORTANTLY, i wonder so much why does our coworkers watches us whenever we are around together. they look at us, literally! it seems to me that they are listening to our body language or something. i don't understand... i really don't. since i started working with her i don't remember doing any flirtatious act on her. i never have. the only thing that happened was before i worked with her. like i say 2-3 times. well anyways, all of these happened before until last night... she worked with me directly and asked me bunches of personal questions like how is my husband, where did we met, etc and etc... do i have plans going back home to my country. i said yes i do. but am looking for someone to fly with me so i won't be by myself. she said she would go, she'd love to. then later when i asked her to go out with me and my friends because my other friend is bringing another person ( i don't wanna be out of place) she said yes if i wanted her to go (said yeah i do) and asked if we go to a bar and i said nope we don't do that. we just go out shopping. she said that's cool. i just thought you want me to WORK FOR YOU (what in the world does that mean???). that really got me. i laughed it out though. i asked her number and she gave it to me. later i asked her if she wanna go out watch movie, she said it's up to us. i can see she seemed to be starting in doubt, so when i got off from work i told her she don't have to go if she don't want to and that if something would come up. i even said i really like her and she said oh really? (she said it in a deep low voice) but i didn't told her that in a romantic way. she said she'll let us know and that she's saving her money because she's going to college soon. well anyways the fact is nobody knows am bisexual but i can see that she can sense that (that am bi). well, an hour after i texted her and she seems to be not interested or something...? i asked her questions and she answers it but she's not reciprocating my point on texting her and asking her out. i just wanna know her and be friends. she's very nice in every way. gracious i must say. am attracted to her, i admit that. however, i know where i stand on my ground and i cannot act on it. did she found everything weird? is she losing interest on me or did she even have an interest with me at all?
i honestly don't know what is going on so please please please i need everybody's help here analyzing these situation. am not even understanding my own self. i wanna know what is going on with her and what does she want from me.i (link)
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The right thing to do is often difficult and scary, but there has to be honesty and concern for everyone's feelings. Is your husband okay with you having a lover? If this could potentially ruin your marriage to someone you love, then you need to take a step back and think about what you'd want your husband to do if faced with similar temptation and treat him how you'd want to be treated.
If that's not an issue and you have the freedom to get involved then you have another frightening task: telling her you're interested. I wouldn't read too much into someone being straight or bi, you can just be attracted to each other without worrying too much about categorizing yourselves, and it seems like you've very likely read the signs correctly from how you've described them, so go ahead and be confident that you could be with her. If it'll cause you to break up your marriage, though, just enjoy the confidence boost you get from being attractive to an attractive person and keep it a fantasy, because sex just isn't worth losing a partnership with someone you love. Best of luck!
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I need your help as I am giving an english exam in december ... As i said i am greek so i need to pass the b2 exam otherwise in my country there is no following day... If you want to help me add some useful words ( i need vocabulary) i am really anxious you know (link)
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I actually have taught English vocabulary, so one advanced trick is to look up the origin of any word that you don't know. A handy English source is the "online etymology dictionary." http://www.etymonline.com/
The amazing thing is so many of the roots will have cognates in your language (or another that you might know a little)! These associations with your native language make the words and their meanings stick so much better than rote memorization. This tip is especially helpful for words you commonly mix up. It also can help you see the patterns in how words shifted as they went from Proto Indo-European to Greek vs. English and you'll soon find you can predict how some Greek words might sound in English. It's easier than it sounds, just try it for a few words you find confusing! It's also really a lot of fun.
If you have access to English films that you can watch with closed captioning or English subtitles, you can quickly look online for the definitions and/or etymologies of any words you don't know.
Duolingo.com is another great resource that has English lessons for Greek speakers. It uses games that match your level automatically, and it is free.
With these tips, I am sure you will improve very quickly. Good luck on your exam!
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I need to know how to give a handjob in detail, step by step. (link)
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The best way to start is to tell the guy you like, "I want to see you touch yourself," and that will show you most clearly what he likes. If you're comfortable, take over and try to match his favorite grip and placement and speed, because he's going to be the #1 expert on his own pleasure, miles beyond what any of us on he internet can guess. He'll be happy to show you, I'm sure of it, and the fact you asked will probably be a huge turn-on in itself as well as a much better lesson than a numbered list.
You could also put "handjob how to" in any search browser (like google or bing) for TONS of advice, and if you're worried about someone seeing your browser history, use private mode.
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I've been going through a recent complicated break-up. The thing is I kinda rejected him because I want to get my life back together first before being in a committed relationship. I wasn't able to offer my heart back in return to this guy who loved me so purely because I got scared that the moment I say 'yes' we'd be in a really serious relationship. And the thought of being in a serious relationship scared me. I got scared and I made a stupid mistake by talking to it with another guy friend. And it almost felt like I cheated on him, he felt like I cheated. And now he's not in love with me anymore and that it's impossible for us to be together again. Which hurt so bad.
I know all of that's kinda convoluted, but long story short, I'm hurt because I hurt the one guy who's never done anything but love me so purely and see the best in me by being a stupid and weak girl. What if he's the one for me, what if I blew the chance to be with my soulmate? What if I never meet anyone who will love me as much as he did? I can't get over the pain and the loneliness no matter what I do.
I know I've made a mistake too. But I'm not aiming to get back together with him, because he's already said it's impossible. Now he just wants to be friends with me because he knows we're really close and he doesn't want to lose that and he said that I don't deserve to be abandoned completely. What should I do to get over him and forgive myself? I'm really sorry it was really long. Thank you to anyone who will help. (link)
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Oh hon, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. Maybe you've forgiven yourself by now, I hope you have, because wanting to get your life and goals together before being too serious is 100% the right choice.
Here's why: happy, fulfilled people are generally happy and fulfilled in and out of romantic relationships. Unhappy, directionless people are generally unhappy and directionless both in and out of couples. You have to have your own house in order before bringing anyone else on board. The best book on this is a kid's book "The Missing Piece and the Big O" by Shel Silverstein. You have to know how to do it on your own before you can well travel beside someone else.
It sounds like he felt really vulnerable and had strong feelings for you and then felt hurt and rejected. I don't think it means that it should be "impossible" to be together ever just because you're not ready now. Maybe he'll end up moving on to someone else eventually, but to say immediately that "the door is closed forever if we aren't together now" is an uncool attempt to control you.
Let's hope he isn't typically controlling, but is trying to use to gain some sense of strength after he felt vulnerable. Regardless of his reasons, though, that kind of tactic should not be part of a healthy, open, growing relationship and you should watch out for it and call it out. I especially think you need to call things out with him because his desire to still be friends makes me think he's not actually over you. Whether that's good or bad really depends on whether he's trying to control you, because the fact is, you didn't ruin anything. He could decide to forgive, and in any relationship of more than a few weeks, you're going to want to be with someone who is forgiving, because we all make mistakes!
Honestly, though, I personally don't think talking with another guy friend typically qualifies as cheating, or that there is anything really in need of forgiveness. If you shared something embarrassing or private about him, I can see how he'd feel betrayed, but if you just wanted to talk out your feelings, it makes sense to seek outside advice! It's not stupid, it's not weak, you seem incredibly sensible.
So my take: the idea of a soulmate somewhere out there is too limiting and it takes away our power of choice. Love is not a feeling, it's how people treat each other. The person you eventually commit your life to is your soulmate because of the choice you make to commit, it's not a matter of running into one specific person out of 7 Billion.
Think of a loving couple where the husband dies and the survivor goes on to have a second beautiful life with someone else. Which was her soulmate? Both, because she shared her soul and it was accepted and nourished both times.
I promise you someone will love you far far more than the strong-like he felt at first knowing you because he doesn't really know you yet if he hasn't known you long enough to need to forgive you. It's incredibly important to realize that someone who loves you will love you enough to forgive you when you make little errors and will help you to forgive yourself; that's what you're really looking for in a partner. Expect nothing less.
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Help please I dont know what to do. I'm being blackmailed. I am a 19yr old male and she said she was 20yrs. I sent a nude picture of myself with my face in it to a girl on Kik and she said if I don't pay her money she would post it on Ellen show website and try to have her show it on CNN or something like. And ruin my life. She wants me to pay her $100 and if I do she said she would delete the picture. Im scared that she will post it and ruin my life. I can't tell my family because they would be upset at me and cause more issues. Please someone help me I don't know what to do. (link)
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Tell her blackmail is a crime and Ellen and CNN are not interested in naked pictures of a teenager. If she doesn't know you, tell her you're 16 and that she's in possession of child pornography and that she had better leave you alone or you'll turn her into the authorities.
DON'T send her money, because once you do that, she will know she's got you and she has no reason to follow through and stop harassing you for more money. You simply can't trust her to delete it once you give her money if she already lied to you and threatened you this many times. You will probably have to deal with harassment for a little while, but if you ignore her she will eventually give up. Here's the thing, that's the risk with sending naked pics. Assume everything you send from your phone or computer is going to get out someday in the public domain. Think of how many celebrities have been hacked. You never know if someone may want to hack into your stuff someday too.
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Is xasten good for a nursing mother? (link)
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Here's the research as is accessible via google on injections of the drug: http://www.drugs.com/breastfeeding/dexamethasone.html
About oral corticosteriods in general: http://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/corticosteroid-oral-route-parenteral-route/before-using/drg-20070491
The short answer, long-term oral/systemic corticosteroids aren't great for anyone, but short-term or locally, they're unlikely to do any serious damage and they work well and help a lot of people greatly.
In the end, though, strangers on the internet are not the ones to ask about what medication you should be taking for your condition. Does your doctor know you're nursing and yet prescribed it anyway? That would be the person to discuss your concerns with. If your doctor said to wean because of the medicine and you're uncomfortable doing so, then you might want to talk to your local la leche league for advice on alternatives or perhaps pumping until you've cleared the drug to maintain your supply.
If you're asking for someone else, there may be a polite way to say, "Oh, wow, (x condition) sounds so tough, and the doctor treating you knows you have the extra load on your body being a nursing mom, I'm sure. Please let me know how I can help." After you suggest she talk to her doctor about it, assume both have the child's interests at heart as well.
Hope that helps!
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im 18 f and find my weight a very difficult subject. people keep telling me how skinny i am but i just don't see it. when i look in the mirror i see a mildly chubby girl staring back at me. i was concerned about what people were sayings i decided to calculate my bmi and it said that it was 15.6. i can see that this is probably unhealthy but the problem is food scares me. i don't like eating a lunch and will only eat small portions for breakfast and dinner. for snacks i drink tea or water. whenever i eat a piece of food i think about how the fat will stick to my body and make me look huge. my mom keeps trying to force me to eat, she shouts at me and makes me cry but i just can't bring myself to gain weight. i don't want to look fat or disgusting. is there a way of getting over this? i can't live with my self loathing any more. (link)
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It can be hard to recognize our own cognitive distortions, because we can only inhabit our own viewpoint inside our own heads! Everyone has some cognitive distortions [errors in thinking], try to remember some beliefs other people have where you've thought, "how can they think THAT?" Well, that's how everyone around you feels when you say you're mildly chubby at 15.6 BMI.
Deep breath, because you don't want to hear this, but feeling afraid of food and gaining weight is the textbook definition of anorexia nervosa:
"Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder in which people have an intense fear of gaining weight and can become dangerously thin. Signs of anorexia include less than normal weight, negative body image, and obsession with food."
[cite: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa/default.htm]
Ok, now please be honest with yourself, does that sound familiar at all?
Some people automatically reject the idea that they have a "mental illness" because there's some unfair and outdated stigma attached, but you can at least accept that to the rest of the world, your perception of yourself is a cognitive distortion, because you have to ask yourself the likelihood that every person and every metric you come across is wrong, even if your fear of treatment makes you desperately want to believe they are.
Here's the thing, your cognitive distortions are NOT just harmless or a simple difference of opinion. Your mom is deeply concerned about you for good reason, anorexia has THE HIGHEST MORTALITY rate of any disordered type of thinking.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/anorexia-nervosa/features/anorexia-body-neglected
You are her child and she loves you and she doesn't want you to die. There are very few things in the world that have such a high death toll as this particular disorder. You are dealing with an issue of life and death. Something that is at the conservative end 30x more likely to kill you without treatment than if you had HIV with treatment. Something that is about as deadly as breast cancer. You are 12 times more likely to die from this illness before your 24th birthday than any other cause--not murder, not terrorism, not accidents, nothing is nearly as deadly to you as this illness. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-facts-eating-disorders
Please don't give in to the skinny corpse fantasy, because I know I've been heavy-handed, but that's the all-too-likely alternative to treatment, because you need to know there are so many experiences you have yet to enjoy in a strong, healthy, beautifully capable body that gives you the full range of pleasure a life without fear or self-loathing has to offer.
I genuinely hope this gets through to you and that you talk to your mom and ask her not to lecture you, ask her instead to help you see a counselor.
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so i realy really believe in you can manifest your hearts desire with the universe like a lot of other ppl. i have this one thing that i used to have all the emotion in the world for but for the last few months its gotten a bit hard to stay with. but i did this meditation to manifest a "replacement". and i feel so much more emotion towards this than the original one. does this mean i should move on from that one thing????
and also does reading and watching more about manifestation bring mroe enegry to your desire???? and what are some other ways to bring more enegry????
plz no negative comments.....
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Sometimes something doesn't come to be (manifest) for good reason, maybe the replacement is a better fit for you. If these "things" you're feeling are actually people, you should probably stop referring to them as things, it's just not a good way to describe human beings as a general rule. Seems like that language would "manifest" objectification instead of empathy and love.
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I started nursing school in February. I originally was just going to go for an AA and then found out that nurses with AA's wind up doing all the lower level stuff and decided I wanted to transfer in January to a Uni to do a BSN.
Now I'm almost through my first year of nursing and I'm not so sure I want to make this my career. I like learning about the body, but I don't think I'm up for dealing with angry, injured, sick people for the rest of my life. At first I just figured "Well I'll just go straight for a Masters and do something specialized and not so hands on like Anesthesia" but a Masters is so far away and will cost so much money in tuition.
Now I'm considering switching to another major when I leave for Uni like: Political Science, International & Cultural Studies, or Government & World Affairs.
I would like to work for some kind of international agency and have a job that includes politics, government and traveling. It's really important to me to be able to get involved in world events and to be able to travel globally. I also really enjoy doing research and writing reports. I'm a female and would like to be a game changer in politics and such.
Do you think the majors I'm interested in will get me a good job or do you think they're a waste of time? My parents are very happy right now that I'm in nursing so I'd hate to disappoint them, but I just don't think I want to spend the rest of my life cleaning up gross messes and bandaging wounds when there's so much more in the world to do.
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School costs money and you will want to at least have a good enough job that will support you until you have a clear vision. Taking a major just because it interests you is not really a sound decision (coming from a film major). If you want to see whether you like politics, take time off to volunteer or work for a campaign and see what it's like, don't just start over every time you have a new interest.
I actually believe a BSN will open WAY more doors than political science or any of those other soft disciplines. Really and truly, most political science majors don't end up working in their fields and are far less marketable over all. They wind up in law school and then working at Biglaw firms paying off their huge law school debts and the political thing doesn't happen. On the other hand, having a background with a hard science doesn't preclude you from having a political career. Look at how many of the U.S. candidates in the GOP have been medical doctors (Rand Paul and Ben Carson spring to mind, whatever you may think of their politics).
You can see the world easily through travel nursing, and can use your background to create policy in public health, for instance and go back to school once you have a clear vision of what cause or ideals you stand for and want to push forward. A Master's in Political Science or Public Health is a much clearer signal of a serious policy maker than an undergrad degree in poli sci, which is incredibly common and not particularly useful. If you decide law school is the way you want to go (which is a pretty good background for politicians) and you're going because you have a clear vision and after working as a medical profession you can afford law school without incurring a ton of debt, you'll be a better candidate who will stand out among a sea of poli sci majors. The undergrad time is just for absorbing information, graduate degrees are for demonstrating your ability to push the field forward.
Well people are just as angry and ungrateful as sick people, and politicians are commonly regarded as being underhanded and using others for their own ends, so don't expect only shiny happy people outside a hospital's walls. Most of my friends who got international degrees had a lot of trouble finding work based on that alone. Learning a language and reading about world events are things you can do on your own and are far more marketable than the degrees you're considering. The vast majority of people making huge changes in the world are not poli sci majors, nobel peace prize winners almost never have a political science undergraduate degree, medical professionals do far more to impact others' well-being.
Unless you come from money and can definitely afford a master's right away, I believe everyone should get a STEM degree (Science, Technology, Engineering, Maths) for their undergrad. Any other standalone undergrad degrees are far less marketable and require graduate degrees. If you know those fields aren't for you, then go out and DO the work you're interested in--if it's writing, just write, you don't need a degree for that; if it's film (talking to a young me) just watch and make films; if it's politics, just go out and get involved in politics, a piece of paper that says Bachelor's in those fields doesn't set you apart at ALL--what you've produced is the only thing that will set you apart, and the four years everyone else is wasting in school at frat parties, you can be spending actually creating change that people will notice. You can absolutely learn just as much about political science and world affairs as you would in a poli sci undergraduate program by following the news and reading scholarly papers on your own and you won't incur huge school bills.
In the end it's up to you, but I do hope you'll print out this answer and put it in a notebook if you go the poli sci route, so when you've graduated and you're finding yourself in heavy competition for an unpaid internship with tons of school loans and suddenly thinking, well, 80 hour weeks at a law firm might not be so bad if I just get another $200k of debt on top of my undergrad loans, that you knew what you were in for and you had your reasons. Make sure to note those reasons, too, because they must have been important and you need to keep them in your heart to make sure the sacrifice was worth it.
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So me and my ex brokeup 3 months ago and a month ago we stated talking all over again and say we love each other. but we talk like every other day so in these days thet we don't talk I feel unhappy, because all I do is waiting for him, to text me or call me. and when he does text me or call me,all we do is argue. a week ago I even thought about things that I shouldn't think anymore I was that Depressed.I told him that the best thing to do is that I'll text him so I wouldn't have to wait on him all day to text me, And he didn't text me back,and since then i haven't texted him and I feel so much happier and I'm getting back to the happy and fun person I was.what should I do because I have feelings for him but I don't think it's love. I know that he will call me soon and I don't know what to tell him help please (link)
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I can't tell say what your feelings for him are, but I've personally had a relationship where the drama, negative feelings, and obsessive thoughts filled me with this intensity that normal life couldn't match. It can be a kind of high, for sure. It was my first boyfriend and I'd never been in love before, so I was just hooked and it made me miserable. I'll tell you the shorthand that would have made my whole dating life easier, and might help you with your resolve to move on--5 to 1.
Dr. John Gottman found that happily married couples have ratios of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative episode. If I had evaluated all my relationships by that metric, I would have picked my husband right from the get-go. We build each other up, encourage each other to be better, and communicate in positive ways; the intensity we feel for each other is just intense happiness the large majority of the time. I'm not saying it was my former partners who were at fault, but we didn't bring out the positivity in each other.
Even if you're not looking for marriage, this metric can be useful in any relationship. Staying together happily means the same thing in dating as in marriage--being supportive of each other and feeling safe together. Drama is exciting (and addictive sometimes), but when you know what you want to accomplish in life, you want a partner who helps you accomplish more outside the little cocoon the two of you have, and constant conflict will distract you from becoming all you can be.
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I'm a white cisgender homosexual female. White racism isn't real, cisphobia isn't real, misandry isn't real, and heterophobia isn't real. Were white people enslaved and segregated for decades and still get killed in hate crimes? Nope. Do cisgenders get an increased risk of being bullied, suicidal, or killed? Nope. Did heterosexuals get burned and prevented from being married and have people insult them for holding hands in public, or people call things they don't like "straight"? Nope. Do rich people starve on the streets and have no clothes or water and need to work their ass off? Nope. Did males ever get sold into sexual slavery, rights taken away, pushed from science careers? Nope. It makes no sense to me these people who had everything handed to them on a golden platter with a silver spoon in their mouth already with a head start in life feel opressed. Why? (link)
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They feel oppressed in that they have to examine their worldview and challenge their assumptions of implicit superiority. That's a threat to the validity of inhabiting a very comfortable place in the world, at the top.
To "check his privilege" is uncomfortable because it makes him realize he didn't earn or deserve everything he has and that those who are actually oppressed didn't deserve what happened to them puts him in the position of the villain, the oppressor instead of the hero, which causes incredible cognitive dissonance. It is very normal to see the self as the hero in any scenario.
If you're interested in the psychological studies of privilege and the instinct to dehumanize oppressed or out-groups, check out the popular non-fiction book, "Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me)." I think it's laudable that you want to seek out other perspectives, because that's what's going to make bridge-building dialogue possible.
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No one is giving me the support I want n it been so hard 2 me because I haven't tell anyone how I fell (link)
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You need to tell people how you feel if you want them to give you support. No one can read your mind. Good luck.
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Hi there. I am a 29 year old woman. I have been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 3. He basically adopted my 7 year old daughter and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first child together.
Three weeks ago, he found out about a MFM threesome I had when I was 17. I did not want it to happen and did not enjoy it, I did say no, but they carried on and I let it. I didnt fight it off. I felt ashamed, disgusting, degraded. I still do 12 years down the line.
Thing is, my husband found out about it 3 weeks ago and he now says he hates me and wants to leave. He claims he is only staying until I show him the door (which I would never do). Now, I love this man with all my heart. He is my world and I feel I couldn't live without him by my side.
I have suffered from insecurity pretty much my entire adult life and even when I met my husband, I have never felt good enough for him. Never felt like I reach his standards. I have said awful things about him to other men in a bid to seek attention to make myself feel better. I have NEVER sexually cheated and never would. This man and these two children are my life.
MY husband is claiming I tricked him into marriage and having a baby (he knew I was ovulating and willingly participated in conceiving our son). He is saying that if he had known about my past when we met he would have never even had a relationship with me, let alone married me. I am seeking counseling and CBT to try help my behaviours and I KNOW that it will work.
My husband suffers from long term mental health problems: anxiety, depression and paranoia. He also suffers from long term physical health issues with his spine, liver and lungs. I have always been here and supported him through these. I do everything possible for him. I provide a lovely home and am a good mother.
He now says I'm a whore, that he hates me and that I'm a sociopath. He says he is miserable and will never love or trust me again. He says I have ruined his life and that he would never be able to forgive me for something that happened 12 years ago. He says once a whore always a whore. We have a baby due in 8 weeks. My daughter sees him as her dad (he has raised her from being just 2 years old), we are married and I completely adore him with every fibre of my being.
Has anyone else ever been in a situation somewhat similar and come out of the other side? Does none have any advice to offer because right now I'm on the verge of losing my husband and children's daddy. He has been reading other posts on this forum about similar subjects, but none of them involve marriage or children. What would you do in this situation? Is there a way back for us? I feel broken that an action from my past is destroying my future. There HAS to be something i/we can do?
Thank you. (link)
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I am so sorry for the struggles you are experiencing. I believe you are a loyal wife and mother and the pain you experienced when you were 17 (and not legally able to consent in many states, an age where you couldn't buy cigarettes or vote!) should not be used against you. I have personally been in sexual encounters where I just remained silent and have regretted deeply and would be so hurt to have those to be seen as the "real me."
Our culture has a lot to learn about consent and things are changing to create a better world for our kids where the initiator should ask and receive consent before sticking anything anywhere. (A doctor doesn't just do surgery on someone because she didn't say no!) Recognizing the inviolate right to have the final say over what happens to our bodies means:
1. Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent;
2. Silence does not mean consent;
3. Consent must be ongoing and can be revoked at any time; and
4. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent.
The requirement to receive affirmative, conscious, and voluntary consent is finally being recognized on college campuses by law in CA and NY.
- See more at: http://onlywithconsent.org/blog/yes-means-yes
It would be great to share with your husband the reasons these consent policies are necessary and important, such as the way women are culturally programmed to "go along to get along" and "not make a fuss" so we suppress what we feel and regret it later. I recently heard a talk by Elizabeth Smart about how she felt dirty and worthless after her sexual abuse because of cultural messages, and it just broke my heart.
(link: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/05/06/elizabeth_smart_abstinence_only_sex_education_hurts_victims_of_rape_and.html)
This is one conflict, but the bigger principle of what your marriage means in general should be reinforced. The vows you took for for as long as you both shall live from this day forward. One sexual regret does not make you a whore, it doesn't make you dirty, and it doesn't change who you are. It certainly doesn't change who you've been in the five years you've been together. You will, I believe find a way to talk through it and help him see that you were the victim and worthy of love and trust regardless of what was inflicted on you. The hard part will be his getting past whatever mental picture he's created and whatever fears he's conjured about how you might be different from his experience of you.
Just keep reassuring him that the you he's seen for the last five years is the real you. I genuinely believe he just needs to work through whatever hangup and anxiety he has created in his own mind before he can be fair to you. You can try to help him work through what bothers him about his mental image, but it might be easier for a pastor or counselor to talk to him about his feelings if you don't mind him discussing it with a confidential source.
I think it's amazing that you are able to think about his feelings when you've been treated badly while reliving a painful memory, take some time to nurture yourself as well through this. Good luck.
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Well she lied to me about being 18 and she is 16 and she 2month pregnant and im 27 but i dont think her parents would allow me to to see are kid and plus i think i could get in trouble for this cause its my fault for not asking for id i just didnt think girls do that and i just need help to see if i will in up in jail or can i still take care of them once she has the baby please help Me and this in the state of pa (link)
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People aged 16 and older can legally consent to sexual activity with anyone they choose, as long as the other person does not have authority over them as defined in Pennsylvania’s institutional sexual assault statute. (http://www.pcar.org/laws-policy/age-consent)
Not a crime in your state, congratulations. Now start saving because even a parent without visitation rights is required to pay child support.
Don't whimp out on child support. Even though you and this girl made some bad choices, your child didn't choose any of it, and this baby will need money, so man up and work hard for your son or daughter.
Here's a (long) link to your state's child support calculator:
https://www.humanservices.state.pa.us/CSWS/CSWS_controller.aspx?dDjNYEJy8aMfwhWkQzYvonJaJosc4TgG2D5yM3UcNMnbacajl1Pum2JU3lK9NVJqcIHOvE8iJU7XBEHt4Zodnw--mwppRjwIf4e7sWvcB5reLKSUD9T2QH9F@eJSV0a2sttxP4PDpURe
Best of luck, it's a big commitment in front of you and will bring to your life more joy and meaning than you could know, so work as hard as you can, please.
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Hello!
As the headline says, im trying to be a better man, and being able to do some self defense is never bad idea. I heared that some martial arts are tied with some sort of philosophy and through it teaching other things for life then just "beating people" (because beating people is NOT my desire in the first place). I will be most grateful if you give me any suggestions i could follow.
Thank you! (link)
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Awesome idea, friend! There's no one right answer, the philosophies all come from similar kinds of thinking. I loved Taekwondo, but I largely chose it because that was what was available and affordable near me when I was growing up. If I were to take classes this time around, I think I'd go for Judo, because it looks like a lot of fun. Both are Olympic sports, so if you're ambitious, you could wear an Olympic ring one day doing either of these martial arts.
According to Livestrong: "Taekwondo techniques concentrate primarily on kicking maneuvers, with the arms used more for blocking than striking, while karate incorporates kicking and striking maneuvers more equally, utilizing both the upper and lower body for both defensive and offensive purposes. Judo concentrates primarily on defensive maneuvers, utilizing close-range grappling and throwing techniques to push or pull an opponent off-balance and bring him to the ground in a submissive hold. In both taekwondo and karate, opponents attempt to keep each other at mid-range distances to deliver the most power and momentum to their blows."
I'm glad I did Taekwondo, because apparently the injuries are typically to the lower body, whereas the others are more likely to injure the fighters higher up. Legs typically heal, but you only get one brain!
(http://www.livestrong.com/article/416763-what-is-the-difference-between-tae-kwon-do-karate-judo/)
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I am from New York. I am traveling overseas in early June, and I need to change the name on my passport. I am going with a whole group of people and this organization is paying for our tickets, but we need to send a photocopy of our passport to show the people that are paying for our tickets, and that needs to be literally this week. I really need to get my new passport ASAP! The passport office policy is that they can't expedite your passport unless you are leaving in two weeks. I already filled out the form, and have everything I need ready. I even have a letter from the organization that I need to show a photocopy of my passport in the next few days to get my ticket. It's really a last minute trip.
The people at the passport offices and websites all say I need to leave in two weeks for them to rush my new passport. Does anyone know if there is ANY way to get an expedited passport even though I leave in the beginning of June? It's crucial for my participation in the trip. I can travel in New York and surrounding states, if anyone knows where I can get an expedited passport in this area. This is super urgent. I will appreciate any help. Thank you for taking the time to read this. (link)
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First, do you really need to change your name? If you buy the ticket in your former name,no one is going to check that against any ID except for your passport, and you're not using that name for fraudulent purposes, you just want to travel, so it's not a big deal even if by some weird fluke they did know you'd changed your name on some other document they're not likely to see.
Second, you have been misinformed, there is a 3 week expedited passport processing option that's only $60 extra at any passport acceptance facility. I just used this option last week for my name change and it seems like three weeks would be enough time, especially if you pay the extra $12 on top of that to overnight it once it's done. The two-week travel requirement is only if you are trying to get an appointment at a "passport office." You undoubtedly have a "passport acceptance facility" instead very near you (usually a post office, courthouse, or library) with walk in hours today where you can use the three week expedited processing time option if you really feel changing your name is absolutely necessary.
Google "passport acceptance facility" and click on the State Department link, plug in your zip code and call ahead to the facilities nearest you, because the hours don't always match what's on the website.
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So like y'all might think I'm the craziest b*tch here, but I did this protection ritual and meditation and I focused on the flame like the lady said. And in the flame, I saw a bluish Jesus with him spreading his arms out. Then I looked toward my dresser and I saw his shadow.
Do you think he could be my guide? If you do, what should I say/do on my next meditation? (link)
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It's totally normal to imagine the typical religious icons in spiritual rituals. Jesus is an important religious figure in our culture and when you are trying to stimulate the temporal brain regions, as feelings of religiosity are wont to do, it would be odd if you didn't picture jesus and pictured a can of red bull or a dust bunny or something banal. The fact you know it's "Jesus" when there are no photos of Jesus to tell us what he actually looked like is further evidence your brain imbued random movements in the flickering candle with meaning, and that your brain felt like it was supposed to be religious, and to you that meant Jesus. If you were raised in Ancient Greece you woild have seen Zeus or Apollo. In Babylon, Tammuz. We are pattern seeking animals, and your brain constantly constructs meaning in patterns for you. It's not crazy at all, it's a really amazing part of being human.
The good news is, you're really asking your own brain for direction, so you should be able to answer yourself truthfully what it is you most want. If you want to picture it as Jesus, that's fine, too, but realize what choices you make are ultimately your responsibility and not a beardy dude hanging out in a candle.
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AGE 16 male.. I just bought condoms for me and my girlfriend. but where should I hide them From my parents. BTW my parents dont know we are having sex. (link)
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Since they're packaged super small you could put one or two in a gum box, get photo frames and put them in between the photo and cardboard, get a needle and thread and you can easily rip a seam and sew some into something that won't end up in the wash--like your pillow or an outfit you don't wear that you keep for sentimental reasons. Just note the storage directions and don't subject them to extreme temperatures, as that might limit their effectiveness.
Good for you for using protection!
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My wife and I have been married for 47 years. Admittedly shew has made some good financial decisions over the years but now I am concerned about something very serious. We have approximately 95,000.00 in nth stock amrket. ait goes up and down, most.y down lately. I want it all sold and the money put into the bank where it never goes down. She refuses and I hate confrontation. She will simply not talk about it. I asked her one question that I thought would seal the sell it all deal. "Is there more of a chance of it getting to 100,000 or going to 80,000.00"? we've all seen the crashes and we're to old to go through another one. What do you suggest? (link)
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You really need to talk to a financial expert to analyze your particular needs, the diversity of your portfolio, and the tax implications of pulling out of the market. If you are in tax-favored instruments, there are limits to when and how you can take your money out, however the length of your marriage suggests that's not far off. A good rule of thumb is to put more in stocks and less in T-bills and bonds when you're young and can weather the ups and downs, the reverse when older and getting to the age where you will be calling on those funds. Maybe your wife isn't acknowledging her age? Get a financial professional with an actuarial table at hand to talk her through it.
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