I had a MFM threesome 12 years ago. My husband found out 3 weeks ago...
Question Posted Wednesday September 2 2015, 9:06 am
Hi there. I am a 29 year old woman. I have been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 3. He basically adopted my 7 year old daughter and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first child together.
Three weeks ago, he found out about a MFM threesome I had when I was 17. I did not want it to happen and did not enjoy it, I did say no, but they carried on and I let it. I didnt fight it off. I felt ashamed, disgusting, degraded. I still do 12 years down the line.
Thing is, my husband found out about it 3 weeks ago and he now says he hates me and wants to leave. He claims he is only staying until I show him the door (which I would never do). Now, I love this man with all my heart. He is my world and I feel I couldn't live without him by my side.
I have suffered from insecurity pretty much my entire adult life and even when I met my husband, I have never felt good enough for him. Never felt like I reach his standards. I have said awful things about him to other men in a bid to seek attention to make myself feel better. I have NEVER sexually cheated and never would. This man and these two children are my life.
MY husband is claiming I tricked him into marriage and having a baby (he knew I was ovulating and willingly participated in conceiving our son). He is saying that if he had known about my past when we met he would have never even had a relationship with me, let alone married me. I am seeking counseling and CBT to try help my behaviours and I KNOW that it will work.
My husband suffers from long term mental health problems: anxiety, depression and paranoia. He also suffers from long term physical health issues with his spine, liver and lungs. I have always been here and supported him through these. I do everything possible for him. I provide a lovely home and am a good mother.
He now says I'm a whore, that he hates me and that I'm a sociopath. He says he is miserable and will never love or trust me again. He says I have ruined his life and that he would never be able to forgive me for something that happened 12 years ago. He says once a whore always a whore. We have a baby due in 8 weeks. My daughter sees him as her dad (he has raised her from being just 2 years old), we are married and I completely adore him with every fibre of my being.
Has anyone else ever been in a situation somewhat similar and come out of the other side? Does none have any advice to offer because right now I'm on the verge of losing my husband and children's daddy. He has been reading other posts on this forum about similar subjects, but none of them involve marriage or children. What would you do in this situation? Is there a way back for us? I feel broken that an action from my past is destroying my future. There HAS to be something i/we can do?
Thank you.
[ Answer this question ] Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category? Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life? Cardigan answered Wednesday September 2 2015, 10:34 pm: I am so sorry for the struggles you are experiencing. I believe you are a loyal wife and mother and the pain you experienced when you were 17 (and not legally able to consent in many states, an age where you couldn't buy cigarettes or vote!) should not be used against you. I have personally been in sexual encounters where I just remained silent and have regretted deeply and would be so hurt to have those to be seen as the "real me."
Our culture has a lot to learn about consent and things are changing to create a better world for our kids where the initiator should ask and receive consent before sticking anything anywhere. (A doctor doesn't just do surgery on someone because she didn't say no!) Recognizing the inviolate right to have the final say over what happens to our bodies means:
1. Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent;
2. Silence does not mean consent;
3. Consent must be ongoing and can be revoked at any time; and
4. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent.
The requirement to receive affirmative, conscious, and voluntary consent is finally being recognized on college campuses by law in CA and NY.
- See more at: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
It would be great to share with your husband the reasons these consent policies are necessary and important, such as the way women are culturally programmed to "go along to get along" and "not make a fuss" so we suppress what we feel and regret it later. I recently heard a talk by Elizabeth Smart about how she felt dirty and worthless after her sexual abuse because of cultural messages, and it just broke my heart.
This is one conflict, but the bigger principle of what your marriage means in general should be reinforced. The vows you took for for as long as you both shall live from this day forward. One sexual regret does not make you a whore, it doesn't make you dirty, and it doesn't change who you are. It certainly doesn't change who you've been in the five years you've been together. You will, I believe find a way to talk through it and help him see that you were the victim and worthy of love and trust regardless of what was inflicted on you. The hard part will be his getting past whatever mental picture he's created and whatever fears he's conjured about how you might be different from his experience of you.
Just keep reassuring him that the you he's seen for the last five years is the real you. I genuinely believe he just needs to work through whatever hangup and anxiety he has created in his own mind before he can be fair to you. You can try to help him work through what bothers him about his mental image, but it might be easier for a pastor or counselor to talk to him about his feelings if you don't mind him discussing it with a confidential source.
I think it's amazing that you are able to think about his feelings when you've been treated badly while reliving a painful memory, take some time to nurture yourself as well through this. Good luck. [ Cardigan's advice column | Ask Cardigan A Question ]
ammo answered Wednesday September 2 2015, 10:25 pm: There is a reason many people (couples) do not talk about their past and this is one of them. Personally I have no problem with talking about my past but this is because I have a firm belief that what has happen in someone's past happened in their past. If you had a threesome while you were seeing your husband and it was something you did behind his back then I would understand his reactions but this is something that happen to YOU and he has no right to judge you by it. No one does. You were young and made a mistake, something you say yourself is something you regret and everyone makes mistakes.
Your husband suffers from anxiety, depression and paranoia and this is probably what is playing a huge part in how he is feeling. Has your husband not slept with other women before you both had got together? Doesn't having done that also make him a whore? It may not have been a threesome but this is besides the point. He has no right to be judging you for what happen in your past to you and it should not have any reflection on who you are now - a mother and wife and I have no doubt you are a great mother and a great wife too.
Your husband should not let something like this - a silly mistake from your past, destroy what you both have. It would be a very big mistake and one he will go on to eventually regret greatly. As I said though, his anxiety, depression and paranoia are likely playing a huge part in how he is feeling. You should both try to speak to a family counsellor. It would greatly help your husband come to terms with this news about your past. Perhaps even him seeing a therapist to talk about how he is feeling about the whole thing would help greatly.
Regardless of what ANYONE may think of you for what happen in your past, it does NOT make you a whore. You were young and made mistakes - I have known people to make far worst decisions, including people I have been seeing in the past. However, I never let what they had done in their past (and sometimes we're talking things that happen with their ex's which were not even that far in their past) ever reflect on the person they are then.
With my situation we were not married and there are no kids involved but the situation was not far off from different but as I said, we both understood we can't judge each others pasts and we didn't. We managed to work past things. The fact that in your situation there is marriage that is involved as well as a children and a family I would think this would strengthen his resolve in wanting to just try get over what happen many years ago, long before you even met him and just get over it. Destroying everything he has over something so meager that should be left where it happen (in the past) is not worth it at all.
You mentioned you are already involved in counselling and this will hopefully be able to help you to put this bad event in your past to final rest. But this is something that your husband needs to try help you do and not use against you. I know I keep saying it but it's important that you believe it too... what happen to you does not make you a whore and it is not something anyone should ever judge you by. No one has any right to do that. [ ammo's advice column | Ask ammo A Question ]
missundersmock answered Wednesday September 2 2015, 10:23 pm: First of all, you need to know that you cant make someone love you so if hes saying the things hes saying now then its over ok.
Someone that loves you and has been with you for so long couldnt bare the thought of saying shit like that to you. Did this happen before you were even together?? cause if it did, it doesnt even count and he has no room to bitch what so ever. Him being upset about it is pointless because its so far in the past what really can his getting upset with you do about it but harm the future?? NOTHING. Getting pissed now isnt going to solve anything so thats just a pure and simple waste of energy and needless stress that NO ONE has to deal with.
Seems like maybe hes dealing with his own issues right now and cant handle much more on top of it and then to add this to the mix when hes already stressed might have just made him blow up.
Just because you love someone and they love you doesnt mean that your GOOD for each other ok. You need to know that now, and also that women tend to go SOOO far out on a limb feelings wise that alot of times they find themselves standing there alone get what im saying here?? it sounds like your more invested here then HE is and that could be why he just letting all these fucked up comments to you just flow right out of his mouth without a second thought.
((idk for sure obviously only YOU know him but thats what it sounds like))
What you need to think about here is how much your willing to put up with. No one deserves to be talked to like that ever, and especially if your carrying their child. He can be upset thats understandable but its so far in the past now that theres nothing anyone can do about it. Are those people still in your lives?? if not then i dont see the big deal.
He needs to except that this happened along time ago, you didnt like it or agree to it, and respect that you feel ashamed as it is already and not be bringing it up and using it against you 12 years laters because most adults arent angels ok. we've all done things we're ashamed of maybe his just wasnt the same thing. He has no right to act like hes a saint and all perfect either.
at this point all hes doing is harping on it, and if he really doesnt want to be there then he has the right to leave. (test him with this and see if he actually does it) cause i bet you he wont. Hes just saying hurtful things for no good reason. Your not keeping him there, your both adults, hes not chained to you so he obviously wants to be there still.
If he does leave youll be better off most likely, you dont need someone acting childish like that and holding things from the past against you in some sort of a play for power or control. [ missundersmock's advice column | Ask missundersmock A Question ]
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