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Getting over a guy
I've been going through a recent complicated break-up. The thing is I kinda rejected him because I want to get my life back together first before being in a committed relationship. I wasn't able to offer my heart back in return to this guy who loved me so purely because I got scared that the moment I say 'yes' we'd be in a really serious relationship. And the thought of being in a serious relationship scared me. I got scared and I made a stupid mistake by talking to it with another guy friend. And it almost felt like I cheated on him, he felt like I cheated. And now he's not in love with me anymore and that it's impossible for us to be together again. Which hurt so bad.
I know all of that's kinda convoluted, but long story short, I'm hurt because I hurt the one guy who's never done anything but love me so purely and see the best in me by being a stupid and weak girl. What if he's the one for me, what if I blew the chance to be with my soulmate? What if I never meet anyone who will love me as much as he did? I can't get over the pain and the loneliness no matter what I do.
I know I've made a mistake too. But I'm not aiming to get back together with him, because he's already said it's impossible. Now he just wants to be friends with me because he knows we're really close and he doesn't want to lose that and he said that I don't deserve to be abandoned completely. What should I do to get over him and forgive myself? I'm really sorry it was really long. Thank you to anyone who will help.
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Hi! Everything happens for a reason, is what I like to say. Maybe you broke up with him, because there will be a better person through the way, or maybe you aren't ready to be a relationship yet. Life is too short to be mourning over a guy. Go out with friends to forget about this guy, but don't spend your time mourning over it, because you'll always find an even better person to live your life with.
Hope this helps
-Swimmer133
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I really think everything you just told me you should sit down and say to this guy. If he knew you felt like this then you might find out that he still feels the same about you (even though he won't admit it because he's scared to get hurt/rejected again). On the other hand he might not still feel that way....and if so that doesn't make him seem too serious about being with you in the first place if he can so easily shrug it off. And you shouldn't feel guilty for reaching out to a friend about it either, it's natural for us to reach out to someone for help (that's how you got here after all!)Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and just say everything you've been holding back. At least you know you will still be able to remain friends if there truly is no longer a romantic possibility... Best of Luck to you!
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Hey there,
First of all, if that were cheating then everyone cheats. It's normal to want a second opinion and talk about it. Sometimes that's the only way we can come to a decision. If your talking to a guy pal made him "not be in love with you" (which is bull, you don't fall in and out of love like that.) then he wasn't in love to begin with. Love can forgive lots of things, I've seen it happen. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do understand your point. If it'll make you feel better, apologize for talking about it with another pal and explain why you did it (a second neutral opinion). If he doesn't forgive you, let it go and move on. You don't need to forgive yourself, as you did nothing wrong. He apparently thinks you did, so let him be mad at nothing.
Best of luck!
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So your fear was that as soon as you said yes, you would instantly be in a committed relationship. His response was to freak out and get jealous about you talking to another guy before you even said yes? Sounds like your fears were well placed. It doesn't sound like he loved you purely. It sounds like he was obsessed and possessive. If he "fell out of love" just because you talked to a guy friend, he never loved you in the first place, and to be perfectly honest he sounds like an asshole and you are better off without him.
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Oh hon, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. Maybe you've forgiven yourself by now, I hope you have, because wanting to get your life and goals together before being too serious is 100% the right choice.
Here's why: happy, fulfilled people are generally happy and fulfilled in and out of romantic relationships. Unhappy, directionless people are generally unhappy and directionless both in and out of couples. You have to have your own house in order before bringing anyone else on board. The best book on this is a kid's book "The Missing Piece and the Big O" by Shel Silverstein. You have to know how to do it on your own before you can well travel beside someone else.
It sounds like he felt really vulnerable and had strong feelings for you and then felt hurt and rejected. I don't think it means that it should be "impossible" to be together ever just because you're not ready now. Maybe he'll end up moving on to someone else eventually, but to say immediately that "the door is closed forever if we aren't together now" is an uncool attempt to control you.
Let's hope he isn't typically controlling, but is trying to use to gain some sense of strength after he felt vulnerable. Regardless of his reasons, though, that kind of tactic should not be part of a healthy, open, growing relationship and you should watch out for it and call it out. I especially think you need to call things out with him because his desire to still be friends makes me think he's not actually over you. Whether that's good or bad really depends on whether he's trying to control you, because the fact is, you didn't ruin anything. He could decide to forgive, and in any relationship of more than a few weeks, you're going to want to be with someone who is forgiving, because we all make mistakes!
Honestly, though, I personally don't think talking with another guy friend typically qualifies as cheating, or that there is anything really in need of forgiveness. If you shared something embarrassing or private about him, I can see how he'd feel betrayed, but if you just wanted to talk out your feelings, it makes sense to seek outside advice! It's not stupid, it's not weak, you seem incredibly sensible.
So my take: the idea of a soulmate somewhere out there is too limiting and it takes away our power of choice. Love is not a feeling, it's how people treat each other. The person you eventually commit your life to is your soulmate because of the choice you make to commit, it's not a matter of running into one specific person out of 7 Billion.
Think of a loving couple where the husband dies and the survivor goes on to have a second beautiful life with someone else. Which was her soulmate? Both, because she shared her soul and it was accepted and nourished both times.
I promise you someone will love you far far more than the strong-like he felt at first knowing you because he doesn't really know you yet if he hasn't known you long enough to need to forgive you. It's incredibly important to realize that someone who loves you will love you enough to forgive you when you make little errors and will help you to forgive yourself; that's what you're really looking for in a partner. Expect nothing less.
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I don't think you necessarily made a mistake bc you said the truth which you can't be in a serious relationship rn bc you need to get your life together, which is understandable, and he should understand that. I believe if y'all are really meant to be together like he's the one then eventually you will be because that's how life works out. But timing is everything so you never know when the right time is but if it's right it'll happen. To really get over someone you gotta make association with them at a minimal. You'll get no where fast by staying really close with him rn, trust me. Distance yourself, but not so much that it makes it worse with him ya know? Try to keep yourself busy constantly, that's how I distract myself because then you have no time to sulk and think about it a lot. Forgiveness takes time. You have to look at it as you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and put yourself first because sometimes we have to do that. You made a decision, now the only direction is forward so don't look back, you're not going that way. If you really think you made a mistake, it's okay, people aren't perfect and you have to make mistakes to learn. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Hope this helps~
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Thank you for your wonderful question, I will try to give you advice to the best of my abilities!
It sounds like you just weren't ready for a relationship, and that's fine. We all make mistakes and you need to decide whether to own up and learn from it or keep letting it hurt you. You will find someone else who loves you and it could be so much better than this relationship, you never know. It sounds like you two have made it out of the break up on good terms, but you may need to make a clean break from him. I'm just giving ideas, I'm not saying this is the right decision for you, because only you can decide what is right for you. But it may be hurting you to stay friends with him because, in the back of your mind, you could be holding on to that hope that he still loves you. At least try putting some space between you. I have tried being friends with guys after we broke up and it has never worked. We were close afterwards but we ended up realizing it wasn't working. Anyway, there's no quick way to get over a guy, time is a great healer, but I obviously can't know the best path for you to take, so I hope I kind of gave you some options.
Thank you for your question and feel free to message me with any further inquiries!
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Hi there! Can see you were/are really keen on this guy who loved you very deeply and purely. Can see also that you got cold feet and said 'no' just at the moment when it should have been 'yes' looking back, eh? You're definitely not the only one to have done this. Thing is, if he's really 'the one' as they say, your explanation should really have been enough to allow you a second chance. You have told him exactly what you have told me haven't you? That you spoke to another guy to try and straighten things out in your head, get some advice or help, or just ease the pain and get it off your chest by talking to someone about it? Now that's not being unfaithful in any senes of the word whatsoever, is it? You're speaking to me about it, so are you being unfaithful to him with ME too? Sure you know the answer to that. Seems he's being rather childish, and it's a massive over-reaction to me in taking-on like that because you spoke to a guy. Quite how has this dialogue with the other guy made things 'impossible' for you two? Can he tell you why it's such a game-changer? That might make you question whether he's quite the perfect soulmate you reckoned? Good news is he hasn't quite gone crazy enough to blank you completely, and that suggests to me you're still in with a chance. Keep talking, to HIM, as much as possible. You were confused, lost your nerve when he asked you to be in a serious relationship, and needed to let things out. You maybe wanted a guy's angle on the thing? You don't have to forgive yourself at all. Explain it, clearly. Let him know how you still feel, clearly. Basically mate, if he's going to get so unreasonable over something as small and harmless as this, I shouldn't think he has much hope of making a serious relationship with ANYONE until he grows up plenty!! In which case...you're better off without him in the long run. Keeping that in mind is how I suggest you get over him if he insists on his present attitude. A committed relationship needs compassion, caring, understanding and patience. LOVE in other words! He's behaving like a spoilt little boy over this. A long-term grown-up relationship will have to be able to handle much more than anything you've done. Best wishes mate. You sound a lot more mature than him already. You talk things out and look for answers, you don't have a tantrum and throw your toys out of the pram like he's doing. So don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't deserve you.
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I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. Love is hard and complicated and doesn't always go the way we think it should.
What pops into my head when I read this is that you were not sure about this guy and you acted on that feeling. Sometimes when it comes to love our head tries to tell us all the logical reasons why we should be with someone but our heart knows that its not what we want. You sabotaged this relationship for yourself on purpose. Your feeling was to get your life together first (which is very mature)and to not be in a serious relationship. When you talked things over with another guy and felt like you cheated, that was your true self sabotaging the relationship. If this guy had been your soul mate your head and your heart would have been perfectly aligned. You would of had no doubts in the first place. You need to go with your first instinct to take care of yourself first. There was a reason you felt that way. Your intuition was telling you that this guy was not for you. Do not doubt what you feel.
And now that this guy is not interested any more tells me that he may not have been as into you as he thought. He would not of let some guy friend of yours get in the way. Forgive yourself because you did what was right for you whether you know it or not. Focus on your future and figure out who you are and what you want before getting into a serious relationship. When we find happiness within ourselves first everything else falls into place. Good luck and god bless!
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The best thing I can tell you is to tell him how you feel. Tell him that it hurts you to hear that and tell him all the things you feel. Be completely honest with him. Tell him about being scared about it and wanting to talk it over with another friend (make sure they know he was just a friend and nothing more than that). Honesty is always the best way to go with friendship
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Keep it clear. You have to get over it and by that I mean if you continue to stay with him you will never be able to get over it. So I suggest you ask him once again if he can rethink about his decision however if answer remains the same you better look forward to a new and different life without him.
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Well if he is the one for you, your soulmate, then love will always find a way. Maybe this was not supposed to work out so that you could meet who is really your soulmate. But you said you want to get your life back together before being in a serious relationship. Maybe you have to do that before you are able to be with the one you are meant to be with. I say that you focus on you. You get your life together, you grow and build yourself for you, you love and learn and do all the things you want to do. And you apologize to him, you tell him what you were thinking and how you need someone and that you just made the wrong decision but you never meant to hurt him. And then if its too hard to be friends with him, maybe you should cut him off for a bit. How I see it is that if you break up with someone with no intention of getting back together and it still hurts like hell to see them and have them around, then you have to distance yourself from them for a bit so that you can get over them and not feel so negative and down about them. I really hope this helped! I'm so sorry if its all over the place! Good luck!
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Hi there,
Im so sorry to hear about your heartbreak.
Although,I believe is there is some mis-understanding here.
First,you took time out to get yourself together so you could be stable to be in a relationship,then you got scared.
Next you told your guy friend about this....NO,it is not cheating!! The guy you liked felt like you cheated? In what way? That you were sharing feeling with a friend?
This guy,is using your honesty,and telling your feelings to your friend as leverage and an excuse not be with you,and right now,he feels he's in the drivers seat. How incredibly shallow of him.HIM,not you.
He has alot of nerve to do that.You didnt cheat by telling your friend your feelings,cheating is kissing your guy friend,or something along that line.You did not cheat.
As for the guy you like,it's his fault,because I think he has mistood this whole situation,and he is rubbing it in like its your loss. Its not your loss,it's his.
If you are meant to be together,he will come back to you at a lter time in your life,when both your hearts are pure and ready.
Listen,he wants to be friends? No,I dont think so,use this part,if you so wish,to make him MISS YOU.Let him have the chance to miss,sort of unfriend him,without telling him.If you show how this bothers,he will eat it like candy,because he knows you like him.
Forgive yourself.Take care of you right now.
I know it hurts so much,and I understand,because I went through the same thing... and Im still recovering,I had to take it day by day,and forgive myself,and him also
Be blessed
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Talk to him. Tell he everything. He still loves you. Love can hurt but if your with the right person things get better. If you want him back let him know that. If you don't uts still good to put everything out there. Everything will work out
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I'm confused.. he's no longer interested in you because you opened up VERBALLY with another person? And did you actually date before or did it not start yet?
If you already explained to him that you weren't ready and you wanted to focus on yourself.. then he should have waited. It makes sense to put yourself first when you don't want to jump right into something.
All you did was talk to another person and he's behaving that way.. he might feel betrayed and jealous.
It's great that you are wanting to get your life together and you are doing YOU.
If he really wants to be with you then he'll get over it. Just him saying it's impossible seems like an attempt to hurt you even more and try to get you to cling onto him.
If you want a relationship with this person then explain it to him. If it's still "impossible" and you're too hurt over this then you say you can't be friends. Don't play those kind of games because you will feel worse getting strung along.
Keep on focusing on yourself, surround yourself with positivity and great friends.
The best way to get over someone is to remove them for your life. Block accounts, phone numbers and don't see each other because you'll just drag out the healing process. If you feel like you could be friends still then go for it!
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First of all, it's so important that you know that you haven't done anything wrong. Whatever happened with this other guy doesn't mean anything, you were not committed with this guy, you were not in a relationship, therefore it is not cheating (I'm sorry, you weren't clear about this other lad and what happened with him, but from what you said it sounds like you just spoke to him, which is far from cheating and should not be punished). If you're now friends he has clearly forgiven you, it's you, you haven't forgiven yourself - you need to! Everybody makes mistakes, everybody will do something in relationships they regret at least once in their life, once if their lucky! Don't be so hard on yourself, you don't deserve to beat yourself up and feel guilty all the time. It's not completely ruled out that you could give it a go in the future, you could both mature and decide to give it a go, never say never! It may not be too late. If you speak to him about how you feel about what you did, maybe he can understand and know that you would never do that again.
Also, I don't believe in ''blowing a chance with your soul mate'' - I know it sounds cliché, but if it's meant to be, it will be. And it's not too late for it to 'be', if he really is your soul mate then some how, some way, some day, you will be reunited. You clearly have issues with commitment, am I right? So maybe your relationship would have suffered, anyway. Please don't take this the wrong way, but when you're not open to commitment you can't be happy in a relationship, it would have taken a lot of work and even then maybe you still wouldn't be happy.
On the topic of getting over him, time is the best healer (which is also cliché, but also true). After a while to get your head around everything and being open to meeting new people, you may find eventually that you're over him and that the next man in your life may treat you even better and do things that he couldn't. Maybe he isn't your soul mate, maybe he is just supposed to be a friend, or a life lesson. I don't think you can just 'get over someone' like that, I'm afraid. But you can tell him how you feel, which will either end well or badly - either way, you have been able to get out your feelings, and sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes when you get it out and say it out loud you feel better, and all your feelings just seem silly after that! (Even though your feelings are extremely valid, of course. Again, please don't take that the wrong way).
If it's meant to be, it will be. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're clearly a sweet person and I hope everything turns out well for you. Good luck!
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Dear Getting over a guy:
Let me see if I can un-convolute this complicated break-up a bit.
The mistake that you made is blaming yourself. Just because you can't return his love in the same measure that he loves you. It isn't your fault and you didn't blow the chance to be with your soulmate. You absolutely did the right thing in following your intuition. Whatever the reason is, this just wasn't the thing for you to do right now.
Judging from the way he responded, he's merely in the first stage of love anyway, which is only desire and is dominated by the sex hormones. It's OK to be friends with him, his focus will soon change to another and you'll be able to be happy with him.
You'll definitely know when you've met your soulmate. Neither of you will be able to think about anything else to the point of even forgetting to eat and sleep. You'll feel like You're winning a prize when you're with him and you'll feel torment when you're apart.
My advice is for you to to sit down and rethink this whole matter and rid yourself of the guilt.
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Well I know what it's like to end a relationship with someone you believe is your soulmate I've had it happen to me. It took me a year and a half to get over him, I realized he wasn't my soulmate after all, he didn't want to be friends with me after n definitely took advantage of me while I was deep in depression. You were right to not get into a relationship while you have depression. I've done a lot of relying on a guy to help me through my depression and the one thing I've learned is you can only fix urself. He seems like a good guy, but he may only meant to be a friend to you and he could help you out of depression, always surround urself with friends and have goals. Also getting over guys isn't getting into another but it's also keeping your option open for the right guy to come along...hang out with friend girls guys and even invite the guy along....he seems like a good friend for youso don't try to bring the relationship into the friendship because you don't want to lose him as a friend...he could still be in love with you and is just waiting for you to fix urself he could still be upset about it...also don't worry about him being your soulmate he could be and he could not be but if it's meant to be it'll be maybe not right now maybe it's later in life...try not to dwell on things n focus on being happy n your goals in life...good luck n I hope that I have helped you in some way 😊
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Both of you need to just get on with your life. I think perhaps his offer of friendship is not as pure as you might imagine. If he really cares for you then then he would either give the relationship another chance or want you to move on and be happy. I think he still holds some resentment and this is just his way of continuing to make you pay. I know this sounds harsh but let it go. He is not the one for you. That is why it didn't seem right to commit in the first place and you questioned it. Your gut instinct was telling you not to jump into anything with this guy and you can always trust your gut. It will hurt for a while but I assure you it is for the best. If you didn't cheat with this other guy then I don't see where there is anything to forgive yourself for. It is acceptable to have male friends and you weren't even in a committed relationship at that point. If your story is true then your bf sounds like a total control freak. Someone doesn't fall out of love because their gf talked to another male friend. My advice is to wish him well and go on with your life. I think you will save yourself a lot of future grief. Good luck!
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Sorry you are going through this.
Breakups are tough. People that were deeply in love tend to feel like this. It's so hard to see outside of your situation because you are in so much pain.
The simplest advice I can give you is take it 1 day at a time .
I wish I could tell you to drink some tea and your pain will vanish in an instant but unfortunately there is nothing like that .
It's going to take time. Take this time to concentrate on you.
I find that it helps to plan your days the best way you can so you have something to look forward to. They don't have to be super busy but definitely make some type of plan for yourself every day and when those tough times come around and you want to cry just do it. You love him so it's normal just try to think about how to take care of yourself and dont drown yourself in the pain.
I have felt like this before and since feeling that way I met 2 other people that made me feel that way again and I married 1 of them.
You have to believe that if you are meant to be together at this time or ever you will be. Find the strength inside of you to love yourself more than this situation and believe that things are happening the way they need to be. We learn from every life experience.
on a side note... and I am not 100% sure but i feel like you should take a break from the friendship with your ex.
Pay attention to how you feel after you speak to him. In my opinion you should take a break from speaking until you are feeling better and you can handle it. I know your mind knows you are friends but your heart doesn't know it and that's what you have to protect right now.
This time is about you!
If he doesn't like it oh well
If he loves you (which love doesn't go away that easily) he will understand and if not is this the type of friend you need in your life?
Whatever decisions you make going forward make sure it's in your best interest! you need some time to heal and you can't worry about him too much. You can be friendly and if you feel like you need to hear his voice from time to time it's ok but definitely take some time for yourself and explain that to him so he knows.
Men deal with these things differently and sometimes they move on quicker than we do. Something to keep in mind.
another side note... did you actually cheat? it hurts or we feel jealous sometimes when our significant other speaks to the opposite sex but this shouldn't have broken you up. Something to think about. There are so many things that we go through in relationships and if this broke yours up is it worth it? Don't ponder too much on it but allow it to enlighten you a little.
So key things take it day by day have a plan to go out get some air and do something for yourself every day!
2nd .. you are the most important! don't compromise your heart any more at this time. It needs time to heal
Good luck and feel better! it's hard to see it now but it does get better. Just believe it! xx
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You were quite obviously not ready to commit to a serious relationship after a difficult break up. Two things make me wonder if, despite what you say, this new guy was actually 'the one'.
Firstly, you didn't feel confident enough of him, despite you saying he loved you purely, to talk to him about this and to say that you were not yet ready to commit, you just needed a bit more time. Any guy worth having would have understood this and wait until you were ready.
Secondly, after making this error of judgement (and that's all it was and could happen to anyone) he is not prepared to accept that you were merely seeking advice and thought processing, nothing else. You did not cheat on him despite what you both think. Your insecurities following the break up of your previous relationship understandably led you to wanting to sort things out in your own head by talking to someone else. If that someone else was not the new man it was probably because it made it easier to say what was on your mind. Sometimes, it is easier to process thoughts about a situation with a person unconnected with it and therefore has no emotional involvement. Additionally, he also sounds as though he is of a controlling nature, do you really want that sort of relationship? It would hardly be an equal one would it?
The fact that he is not prepared to accept this and has decided that he no longer loves you because of it surely gives you a clue that he did not love you 'purely' or 'see the best in you', as the first time there is something that is not to his liking, he ends things.
This guy is not your soul mate, however you may feel at the moment, he is not 'the one' and if he truly loved you he would have understood why you needed to talk to someone else even if he didn't like it. Hard facts but true nonetheless.
We all make mistakes in life, it's a part of learning and growing as a person and maturity. The test is whether we do learn from them and also shows how others really feel about us. If he is unable to accept we are all subject to natural human frailty on occasions and need support at these times, not abandonment, I think you dodged another difficult relationship.
Don't you think you are worth more than that? Wouldn't you prefer a man who will support you in good times and bad, will understand when you falter and will wait for you to be ready? That is more of a 'pure' love and 'seeing the best in you' than what you thought he was offering.
Whether you choose to remain friends with him or not is your decision, and only yours, not his. He abandoned you when you needed his understanding, is that a good enough basis for a friendship or he is likely to do this again for some other reason? Is remaining friends going to hurt you or will it be a positive emotion going forward? Hard questions you need to ask yourself and think about carefully. If he is not going to enhance your future by staying in it maybe a complete break would be the best thing.
One more thing, there is absolutely no reason or justification for thinking you won't find someone else, when you are ready. You have had relationships, which shows you are capable but these are just showing you what you do and do not want in a partner. Just keep in mind there is nothing to forgive yourself for as you have done nothing wrong. You didn't have an affair, you just wanted to talk to someone. You will get over him because he has shown very clearly he is not right for you despite what you are currently feeling. These emotions will gradually ease and you will see this situation as it really is, a lucky escape. Just give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself, you're going to be just fine.
Good luck.
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