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i need help please...
Question Posted Tuesday October 4 2011, 1:28 pm
i do not know how to start this but appology for this long statement. i couldn't analyze these things anymore... let me start it this way, i am married for almost two years now and i love my husband. recently, i work with this lady and i find her very attractive. the thing is i don't know if she's gay or not and sending me mixed signals. i find her going on her way just to be around me or something, used to flirt with me before (i've seen her before i worked with her), stares at me when am not looking, used to stare at me when i was talking (before) and seems to be jealous when i talk to another men (like in a friendly way, not flirty). MOST IMPORTANTLY, i wonder so much why does our coworkers watches us whenever we are around together. they look at us, literally! it seems to me that they are listening to our body language or something. i don't understand... i really don't. since i started working with her i don't remember doing any flirtatious act on her. i never have. the only thing that happened was before i worked with her. like i say 2-3 times. well anyways, all of these happened before until last night... she worked with me directly and asked me bunches of personal questions like how is my husband, where did we met, etc and etc... do i have plans going back home to my country. i said yes i do. but am looking for someone to fly with me so i won't be by myself. she said she would go, she'd love to. then later when i asked her to go out with me and my friends because my other friend is bringing another person ( i don't wanna be out of place) she said yes if i wanted her to go (said yeah i do) and asked if we go to a bar and i said nope we don't do that. we just go out shopping. she said that's cool. i just thought you want me to WORK FOR YOU (what in the world does that mean???). that really got me. i laughed it out though. i asked her number and she gave it to me. later i asked her if she wanna go out watch movie, she said it's up to us. i can see she seemed to be starting in doubt, so when i got off from work i told her she don't have to go if she don't want to and that if something would come up. i even said i really like her and she said oh really? (she said it in a deep low voice) but i didn't told her that in a romantic way. she said she'll let us know and that she's saving her money because she's going to college soon. well anyways the fact is nobody knows am bisexual but i can see that she can sense that (that am bi). well, an hour after i texted her and she seems to be not interested or something...? i asked her questions and she answers it but she's not reciprocating my point on texting her and asking her out. i just wanna know her and be friends. she's very nice in every way. gracious i must say. am attracted to her, i admit that. however, i know where i stand on my ground and i cannot act on it. did she found everything weird? is she losing interest on me or did she even have an interest with me at all?
i honestly don't know what is going on so please please please i need everybody's help here analyzing these situation. am not even understanding my own self. i wanna know what is going on with her and what does she want from me.i
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I think you need some time on your own to find out what you want. It will take time, many discussions between those involved, your husband, your friend, family and others. People may try to sway you one way or another, but you have to try finding the best solution for you, while taking into account the feelings of those who may feel hurt and betrayed by your actions and feelings.
I hope this situation can be settled with the least amount of pain for everyone involved. I'll be thinking about you with.a hopeful heart. Good luck and best wishes.
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It seems to me you need to be asking yourself some questions, not your co-worker. It is time to get really honest with yourself here about what YOUR motives really are. You are obviously sexually attracted to this woman and yet you say you are only looking for friendship. I am too old to beat around the bush so I will tell you straight up that I don't believe you! I think you are trying to set up a scenario where this woman admits that she is attracted to you as well. I think you want to find yourself in a situation with her that could turn sexual and then you can tell yourself that she made the advances, you were caught off guard and things just got out of hand...you are playing with fire and I think you very well know it...so unless your husband is okay with this then you need to stop worrying about what this woman does or doesn't think. If you do not want to find yourself in a position you deeply regret then you need back off and leave her alone.
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In honesty it sounds like she was looking for a best friend to hang out with and do things in a strictly friend zone manner. Sometimes those feelings develop, I am not saying that, but maybe you are coming off a little syrong. A take a few steps back and start over. Honesty is always the best way to approach anything. I would ask her what is wrong and if there is anything you can do to help.
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The right thing to do is often difficult and scary, but there has to be honesty and concern for everyone's feelings. Is your husband okay with you having a lover? If this could potentially ruin your marriage to someone you love, then you need to take a step back and think about what you'd want your husband to do if faced with similar temptation and treat him how you'd want to be treated.
If that's not an issue and you have the freedom to get involved then you have another frightening task: telling her you're interested. I wouldn't read too much into someone being straight or bi, you can just be attracted to each other without worrying too much about categorizing yourselves, and it seems like you've very likely read the signs correctly from how you've described them, so go ahead and be confident that you could be with her. If it'll cause you to break up your marriage, though, just enjoy the confidence boost you get from being attractive to an attractive person and keep it a fantasy, because sex just isn't worth losing a partnership with someone you love. Best of luck!
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Its a strange world we have when two women can no longer be innocent friends and everyone assumes that overtures of friendship mean someone is gay or bi. The only help for that is to be open and honest early on and speak up. Heres what you might say....
"I may be interpreting this wrong, but when I asked you to hang out with me, it felt like you might have read more into it. So let me clear the air and tell you that though I am married, I am bi but as far as I can tell right now, My interest in you is just as a friend." Then see how she responds to that.
AS for her comment about working for you...I've not heard that as a slang for sex or gay/bi relationships so if you want to know what she means by something she says, you have to ask, right at the time its said. That is a number one reason of people writing for advice here, what did someone mean when they said....... and we dont know them or you, we werent there, so its up to you to learn to ask to clarification.
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This could all have come straight out of 'True Confessions'! I gather that her usage of "working for you" does not mean you hiring her for a job and becoming her employer. It's more like you are playing hard to get: She is trying very hard to win you over, to prove herself to you, because of your indecision. This is what she meant. It does seem clear that you are interested, but you hesitate. And yes, though your feelings are that obvious to everyone around you, even if you claim never to be deliberately suggesting anything. And they find your standoff most amusing, titillating and suspenseful, indeed somewhat blatant. You would surely blush were they to act out an impression of how they perceive the two of you together! I think that they are your friends and want you to be happy. I do hope so. They certainly have got you on their gaydar! I only wonder why you are not consulting other gays, lesbians and bisexuals, online or IRL. I do not believe that you really do not know what you are doing. You seek consensual validation. You only want to be certain by checking with others. That little I can do for you. Moreover, you are not uncertain of what is going on, you are uncertain of making a decision. You come off so naive, but no one can be that naïve. You are ambivalent. But it's obvious enough what you desire and where things are going. That's all I can tell you without knowing more about what it is that you are actually so afraid of. Do you either of you need a spanking?
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It seems that she is into you and you already know that but you keep stringing her along, you may say you just want to be her friend but she's holding out hope for you too, frankly, what your doing is just hurting the poor girl, she knows your married and still hangs out with you. You should try put yourself in her shoes. The best course of action Is to sit with her and talk it out, it may seem hard right now but it is what's best for both of you, be honest and just lay it all out there. I know it's hard but you can't leave with the uncertainty and she needs to know that nothing can happen between you two.
Am sorry if I sound harsh but it had to be said. Tough love an all that
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That's a lot , first how old are you both , what state are you in , I would keep it friendly , how long have you known each other , there's nothing wrong with being friends , there are a lot of questions to be answered , before you go further , don't rush into anything , keep it friendly , get back to me , there's a lot more involved to take it any further , take time , and think about what you want out of life , and your happiness is most important , hope I helped a little , get back to me , Billy
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First of all, nobody can tell you why the woman is acting how she is, nobody can even guess, the only person who can tell you how she is feeling or why she is doing what she is doing is her. You can't ignore a situation like this, the only option is to talk it out. If you feel like this woman could be a threat to your marriage, if you feel urges to cheat, you should definitely tell someone. This could just be because you're feel somewhat distant from your husband maybe? Maybe the way you feel towards her isn't really real, and maybe her feelings towards you aren't real, which makes worrying about the situation completely pointless. The only way to know how she feels is to confront the situation and talk it out, have a good talk about both of your feelings. It sounds like you need time to sort everything out and work out your feelings, communication is the best answer. I hope everything works out for you.
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This is more about where you stand. In society, we are told that to find someone attractive means that we want something more than just a friendship or we will eventually want to date them. It is okay to find another woman attractive, even to the point that it makes you feel weird her being around you and your husband. I think the connection is a spiritual one. You and this woman might have a lot of things in common when you get to know her. Stop putting the pressure on yourself to define things and see where things go. Go with your INTUITION. If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable, leave her alone. If you really just want to be friends and get to know her, then do that. If she wants more, then express to her your feelings on everything. Trust your gut. You are capable and strong. Good luck!
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