|
overprotective boyfriend
Hey so I'm a sixteen year old girl in high school, junior year. I've been dating this guy for 18 months and he just turned eighteen, a senior. Something I've always kind of noticed about him are his very protective tendencies. When we first started dating it wasn't so bad, he was about as protective of me as he was his little sister so I knew it was out of concern and coming from a caring place. As we've continued dating, he's started to verge on the over protective side, and this I don't like. He get's so angry when guys make crude and dirty comments about me to him. Like, obviously joking comments. He plays football and all of the guys give eachother crap about everyone's girlfriend. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers him. And just last weekend he almost tried to fight some kid at a party who was being, I'll admit, out of line with me. The kid was grabbing and pulling me and wouldn't listen to me when I told him to stop and wouldn't let go. I appreciated when my boyfrined came over and told the guy to let go, but I didn't appreciate how he continued to threaten the other guy and how he completely escalated the situation. When my boyfriend does those kind of things I feel like he isn't even concerned abotu me at that point. I feel that it hasn't become about protecting me its become about HIM protection HIS "property". You know what I mean? Like he's doing it for himself and that just bothers me. Not only is it embarassing for me but its a little frightening too. We've had talks about it before but he I don't think he understands what I mean. Does anyone know what I'm trying to say here and how I should say it to him?? If so, please help!!
(Oh, by the way, on a side note. He constantly defends his over protective attitude by saying I'm too small to protect myself properly, which also extremely annoying. I know I'm physically little but that still bothers me that he doesn't think I can take care of myself. Any advice on how to handle that too? PLEASE don't tell me to break up with the kid. We've worked through so many bigger issues together, I'm not ending our relationship over this.)
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hmmm you say that you've already talked to him about this and that he doesn't understand you... well to tell you the truth you dont understand him. Theres two types of guys:
Guys who respect girls, and guys that don't
Unless he has no problem making dirty comments and putting his hands on girls that hes not with then hes one of the few that actually respect girls
He see's it this way; if a guy is going to disrespect my girlfriend ill teach him otherwise and for guys like us its completely understandable and right. YOU shouldn't have to deal with a boy putting his hands all over you or making you feel uncomfortable by the things he says; its childish, stupid, and to tell you the truth makes you look bad. Unless your one of the few girls that overflow confidence and can make a guy back off your boyfriend will defend you.
Let me put it this way.... You go to a party and a group of girls are all over your bf; telling him dirty stuff and touching him. You see that hes uncomfortable but cant do much to stop it. Your really telling me your not going to do anything about it? I dont think so.
The comment about you being to small to defend yourself, well i can see how you feel bothered by it but you shouldnt. Bad things happen to girls all the time (that im sure said the same thing); you think your bf wants to chance that with you?
Ive been through this with my ex but she liked that i stuck up for her, but the two of you are very different. Shes been through stuff no girl should have to deal with; and if she always had boyfriends like me and him she wouldnt have had to deal with it.
Im not saying that your wrong to feel the way you do; im saying your a girl and hes a guy. Theres things you probably will never understand about eachother. At the end of the day you have a good respectful guy and you should try to understand where hes coming from.
]
Well first off I am a girl and I currently have a boyfriend that was just like yours. I have been with him for a bit over a year and it drove me nuts, but I also understand his point of view, too.
Well first off lets look at your boyfriends point of view. In his mind it's his job to be protective and I think he is very sweet for that. He wants to make sure you are safe, emotionally and physically. Since he is your boyfriend his automatic response is to care for you. He loves you and just wants what's the best for this relationship.
BUT... it's too much especially for a high school relationship! It gets very aggravating when people want to take control of your life. So what do you do? Take him out to dinner and have a talk with him. First start off with asking him to listen and don't speak until you are done talking. Then tell him that you really love that he cares about you and how you love that you know he will always be there for you... but tell him it's too much. Basically say that you own your life, you are a teenager and you wanna be able to take care of yourself. Tell him you might be small but you have a big, strong heart and no words in this world can hurt this heart. Tell him that you always want him by his side protecting you but you want him to let go just a tiny bit. Also mention that you don't ever want him to fight because you care about him too. Just talk calm with him and tell him how you feel. Now tell him what he should do for now on: tell him to just stay right next to you, hold your hand, and if something goes wrong, don't over exaggerate, and just tell him to give you the chance to stand up for yourself.
I hope everything works out!
]
Guys just have protective tendencies its just human nature. It's not that you're his property but you're his girl. I had a situation with a boyfriend where there was this kid who was giving me trouble. My boyfriend got concerned and ended up fighting with the guy because he was scared and got nervous. The reason he did was because he cares about me. Now was it a bit overdramatic? Kinda but I appreciated the fact that he stood up for me. Maybe your boyfriend just has this trait of when he feels he needs to be protective. There's nothing you can really do to change it. You've already talked to him and you don't want to break up. The only options you have are to accept it or try talking to him again and really tell him how you feel and don't hold anything back. Good luck!
]
This is a two sided coin. On one side you should feel honored that your boyfriend as we older folks say is;"defending your honor." On the other side of the coin his over protection of you is discomforting and the feeling of being property is out of place in today's world. In the middle of this is his feelings for you and yours for him.
I do not have a magic answer to this problem as anything you may say or do has to effect one side of the coin and the middle. What I can suggest is that since you two have been dating as long as you have that you might have established a relationship with his mother. If you have then I would suggest you talk to her about this.
Most young men get their social skills from their mothers. You know the ones; never hit a women, always open a door for your date, be protective of those you love. If I am correct then after you and she talk, she can talk with her son and adjust this area of her training in his social skills without injuring any part of the coin as I described earlier.
I do not see this a personality defect or a character flaw in him. Both of which are near impossible to fix. This is as I think some part teenage male protecting his women and some part a defect in his interpretation of the social skills he was taught as a child. One self corrects with maturity that comes with age and the other a word or two from the teacher will most likely correct.
]
More Questions: |