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How to break up after being cheated on. It is far more complicated than usual.
I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.
For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.
Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.
In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.
I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.
To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.
What would you do?
What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?
How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?
What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.
Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?
Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.
Thanks in advance.
-Troubled
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Look I get that you dont want to hurt her and ruin her chance at a good life but your not doing yourself any favor either by staying with her. The truth is shes cheating on you and you know that and its wrong to just sit there and accept it. No human being deserves to be treated the way you are shes using you and its just not fair. She might not be a horrible person but what shes doing isnt right either and you cant let her just keep at it. Although you will feel bad you have to break things off. You cant stay with a person knowing their cheating it will eventually destroy you and it will become stressful. You dont have to listen to me of course and its your life you make your own decisions but I dont think anyone is going to tell you to stay with her just so she can become a resident and live in your country. You deserve to be happy and shes not your happiness clearly. I truly believe you should break things off with her. Tell her the truth that you know shes cheating and that you dont want to be used anymore. The best way to deal with the resistance is break up and stay clear. Whether that means moving out, having her move out or just leaving your place for a few days for space. Within that time i guarantee you will come to the realization that what you did was right. If she cared enough about her future she wouldnt have cheated and destroyed not only things with you but her life. Your not responsible for her actions so dont let her think you are. I hope this helps and I hope you figure out whats right for you :) if you need anyone to talk to just shoot me a message :) Good luck!!!
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Well, to be honest I think that your life is very complicated right now,but let's talk about that girl first. She seems to be very selfish and she sure is using you! If the fact that she is cheating on you is 100% true then I recommend that you break up with her. If you break up with her it doesn't mean that you will have to kick her out and not share things with her such as the Visa. You should talk to her and tell her that you understand that she doesn't love you anymore and that you feel the same way. Tell her that you two could be normal roommates and you could still live the same life style, but as friends. Then move on, go on dates, party's, bring friends home and have fun. Make sure not to be mad when she brings a guy home!
P.S. Wow, living your life as an adult sure is hard! I learned a lesson today, when you fall in love with a guy do not move in with him unless you know he 100% loves you and you love him too! Who knows she might still love you but she's just confused? Ask her why she's doing this, ask her if she still has feelings for you, or why she stopped loving you.
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Bit of a heart and mind wrenching tale here I'm afraid. First off you must tell her the truth. That be it by fair means or foul you know she is not being faithful to you. Perhaps 'spying' in effect is a bit underhand...but less so than having other relationships and denying them. You have the moral high ground. Living with someone who is lying to you is more than stressful, I think. Most (myself included) would find it completely unacceptable. Any relationship without trust is not worth a light. Family, work, romantic...whatever. Without trust you've got nothing. As far as resistance, it's a matter of conscience. The only real weapon she has is emotional blackmail. You CANNOT refuse to break-up with someone who no longer wants you around, simple as that. As for damaging her prospects, the stress of this will damage YOUR future prospects (re. exams for a start), as you have recognised. Really, I'm not seeing any positives for you in this whole scenario. Sorry. It's sometimes said that we do not change until we reach the very brink. We do not act until not acting is no longer an option. Possibly confronting her with the fact that it is over COULD be a wake-up call, might shock or jar her into becoming a proper partner. At present, she certainly is NOT. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Sympathy is not enough to maintain a relationship, and it will cut no ice knowing you acted with compassion and thought when you start counting your losses and licking your wounds later. Believe me on this. As for order, you must confront her that you know she is lying regarding her fidelity and commitment. It will go from there, pan out in it's own order. You're still saying 'we' a lot in your question, I notice? As it stands there is no 'we'. You feel taken advantage of because she is being scheming and manipulative, totally self-seeking and not considering your feelings or wishes one bit. If you can't raise enough indignation and even anger about this to force a showdown then you will have to tolerate, and even actively engage in a relationship which will over time destroy your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth...and end in anger & resentment. This is NOT good form, or being a 'nice guy'. It's self-defeating and self-destructive. If you need to justify your actions to yourself (as even the most hard-hearted people need to do, to some degree)then tell yourself it's the conclusion of a situation that she set in motion and perpetuated, one you didn't even want. It sounds to me like she'll lose much more than you. I don't expect you take some vengeful pleasure in this fact, you simply 'don't sound the type' from the way you've written. But you cannot take responsibility for it or feel guilty about it if and when things turn out badly for her either. There'll be other games, she will have other chances. I hope she recognises a winning hand and plays it better than she has this one. You've been played long enough man. I know what I'd do.
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Dude she is such a user.
Break up with her
Don't ever go back with her even though she pleads
And next time know who your dates are before you even enter a relationship.
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Now I know very little about the citizenship rules, but can't she get the visa with this other guy?
You need to confront her and see what she says. It's very sweet you don't want to hurt her but clearly she doesn't care about you in the same way you do... All I have to say is, as crappy as it is, you can't sacrifice your happiness for hers... Ultimately end things and she's on her own. You seem to have done things right and taken care of her so it's time to take care of yourself.
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Dear "troubled",
let me just say that you are so sweet for still wanting to support someone that is unfaithful to you. But honestly, it sounds like she just wants you to be her sugar daddy and nothing more. Don't question any longer whether you are truly in love with her, because you really should not be. She definitely does not sound like she is in love with you. When you love someone you are honest with them and don't just get into a relationship because you want a public relations or citizenship or anything. You're in that relationship because you simply want to spend time with them. And don't feel bad if the worse comes to worse and you end up breaking up with her. Because judging from what you said, she might just break up with you as soon as she gets the p.r.-and that's despicable. I am really sorry to say this, but she sounds kind of like a whore.
Here's what I think that you should do...
Please NEVER give your money to someone or something that may or may not put it to waste- that is a huge gamble and you should not be supporting her if it means putting YOUR money on the line. Tell her everything. Be a man and tell her that you don't want to keep supporting her and keep putting your money at risk (because she might not even hold the job) and you just want to get out of this.
Really, you can't keep supporting her for three more years- you're 26, in college and have to live your own life. Don't spend your time with girls who are dating you for the money. Many of my friends have been in similar situations as you but they just ended up breaking up, or divorcing the people that really didn't even like them.
I am sorry if this was harsh, or it really wasn't the answer you're looking for, but you need to think about yourself. I understand that you are selfless and kind, but you have to think: What is any of this doing to benefit you? Grow a pair and tell her the truth please. You can choose to keep wasting your time, but you're young and shouldn't be worrying about things like this.
Whatever you decide, good luck, and I hope you get out of this how you wanted to.
-talldivaofbeverlyhillz ^-^
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Wow. Where to start? First off, I know how difficult a long distance relationship is so congratulations on holding on for that long in the first place!
One question has been bouncing around in my head: did she move in with you the second she stepped in your country? If so, I think you made a grave mistake.
Being in a long distance relationship may be good for awhile, but when you're in person (living together) the story changes. Anything from leaving the top of the tooth paste off, to leaving clothes everywhere and even the side of the bed they choose could make you a bit irritated or angry with your partner.
When she moved, she should've stayed at a hotel/motel (whichever she could afford) for a few days, maybe weeks until she could stay over (maybe a day, then a weekend and so forth) so you could get used to her and vice versa. And dont't say that she couldn't have paid for a hotel/motel because she could've saved up. It's a sacrifice you have to be willing to make once you're in a ldr.
Now, onto your particular case. She's obviously using you. Whether she loved you when she was overseas or not is still up for debate but she's definitely not in love nor does she love you now. She cheated on you after you let her stay in your home? Eat your food? Sleep in your bed? I mean, if she didn't feel the same anymore she should've at least told you.
If you also feel different towards her than just tell her? When you two are alone, tell her to turn her phone off and have a real talk. Talk about how you feel when she cheated, how you feel that she betrayed you after you've helped her so much. Yeah, she might keep lying but maybe if she tries to say she loves you, you can reply with: "Let's be truthful. I don't feel the same way about you and you don't feel the same way about me."
Maybe if you admit to not having feelings for her she'll feel a little more open to saying it too. As for her residence and all the other stuff, maybe I'm just cold hearted but as I see it you have two options:
1- You can be real with each other and let her stay for a little longer while she gets a job and moves out. Let her deal with her own problems, she's a grown woman and it's time she starts acting like it. Give her a date, a month, two months whatever you want and tell her she has to move out by then. You're not going to get cheated on in your face.
2-Kick her out. Tell her you don't love her anymore and let her know that it bothers you that she's been cheating on you as if it were nothing. Tell her she has a few days to get her stuff together and decide what she wants to do. If she wants to move with the dude then so be it, and if she wants to go back so be it as well.
If she doesn't get her dream job, don't fret about it. Worry about YOU, worry about getting YOUR dream job. You did what you could for her,and she didn't appreciate it so it's her loss. You're still young and there's still a lot of women out there that would give a lot for a man like you!
You have to take this girl out of your life, she seems toxic. You focus on your education and don't you dare move anywhere for this girl! She can't even be faithful to you!
Anyway, that's all I have for you. I really hope you take my advice in consideration when you do any big decision with her. Thank you for being so caring even when she doesn't deserve it. Take care and best of luck! *keep me posted!*
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You sound like you are doing a lot in this relationship. Realistically, within six months of living with you she started cheating on you and hasn't stopped. You are not having a sexual relationship (this is obviously not the most important thing but it is a big part of a relationship.)
You may not like this; she is cheating on you with someone else. She has a VISA because of you and seeing someone else. Did she really move her for you?
You ask what I would do, I would break up with her. Yes you shouldn't have checked through her phone but she shouldn't be having sex with other people. I'm afraid I can't tell you how to go about this because it's your life. But do you want to risk your career for her to have hers?
I'm sorry I can't be more help, you will have to decide.
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RUN! What the hell are you doing!!?? get the hell out of there...the writtings on the wall...your being used...LEAVE what the hell are you waiting for...it doesn't matter what she thinks at this point...what does she have to do draw you a picture!!!! if your happy with this situation like this, no sex, she doesn't want to be here, shes still cheating, what the hell are you waiting for...you deserve better...get out, take a small bag say your going for chips and leave have some self respect for gawd sakes...would you like you with what you've tolerated...grow a pair you pussy she sure as hell hates you...are you blind...SUCKEr
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Dear Troubled,
If it gives you any solace, you're not the only a to end up in your predicament. For eons, women have found a man to grant her passage into the U.S. by promising to be his fiancee or his girlfriend.
After divorce from my mom, my dad, through an agency found a spanish speaking woman who agreed to come th the US to become his bride. A few month after she arrived, she searched and located relatives whereabouts and then she disappeared and wasnt heard from again. All his efforts and money wasted.
I cannot say in your case if this was her plan at the time you met her or whether she devised it later as the opportunity occured to her. But somewhere along the line, your lady friend became dishonest with her intentions and a true relationship requires honesty.
So whether she really fell for you in the beginning and changed her mind later or never cared about you and it was all an act, you still lose either way.
It seems you realize this relationship has no chance and is over, you're just in a quandry as to how to handle it from this point on.
I do not know whether there are any stipulations in any immigration papers signed that state she only has the legal right to be here on visa if she stays with you or whether its okay if she finds another sponsor and is free to go. If it could cause you trouble if this situation came to the attention of officials, it might be in your best interest to go the legal route and end the "sham" relationship, stop covering for her and advise immigration that you are splitting up since she is no longer interested in you and looking for others. Your place is only a place for her to live to gain eligibility to become a citizen.
If the two of you were devoted to each other, its one thing, and you'd be a heal to dump her if she loved you but you no longer cared about her. In that situation you could wait until she has gained citizenship to part with her. But thats not the case here. She is no longer interested in you. Thats another story and you would not be a heel for splitting up with her now which would in turn cause her to have to return to her home country. The choice is really yours. You can tell her that as soon as she gains citizenship, you want her to move out and never want to see her again, or for how it affects your ability to find yourself another gal the 2nd time, you 'd want to end it now as long as in your mind you understand there is no reason to feel guilty about doing so and/or you can live with those feelings if you can't feel any other way.
Good luck!
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First im going to tell you how i feel about this situation and then tell you what i would do And im going to be straight up . This girl , shes using you . If shes still cheating on you with this guy then she doesnt want you for love she wants him . She only wants you for her to get her permanent residence. And you keep supporting her and that makes her feel like this is okay for her to do . Your worried about hurting her but shes already hurting you ? why would you keep staying with her while shes being all lovey dovey with another guy? i think what you should do is tell her you know the truth and you have to move on from her because this is adding a whole bunch of stress on you. Your in school right now and you dont need to be so stressed and not focused . Its not going to be the end of the world breaking up with her , i promise you that . yes it might be painful thats true but its worth going through that then to suffer for a longer period of time . the longer you put up with her bullcrap is the longer your gonna be suffering from it. letting go is the best thing to do in your situation .
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get the hell out of this dead end relationshit. It will NEVER get better you are wasting your time. Break up with her, kick her out and don't look back. She is an ungrateful lying bitch whore with no remorse and does NOT love you. You can find someone else, you have wasted enough time, I know it hurts but sometimes you just have to do what's best. You would be doing yourself a favor in the long run. And any real woman would have appreciated all those wonderful things you did. Please don't change except for getting rid of the ho.
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Step 1: Tell her you know she is still cheating. Tell her you looked on her phone and found out. If she gets upset that you broke your promise and looked at her phone, tell her that you would not normally break a promise but that your intuition was telling you that something was not right. Tell her that your intuition was obviously right and that you do not regret looking on her phone because you needed to know the truth. If she still complains that you looked on her phone, repeat that you did this because you had the feeling she was still cheating and you were right. Tell her that when she starts being honest with you, you will be honest in return but that she shouldn't expect you to keep all of your little promises when she can't even keep her legs closed. She seems to expect a lot of you: for you to keep your promises 100% of the time. But, she seems to think she can do whatever she wants and screw around on you behind your back. This is a double standard.
Step #2 Accept the fact that she is using you to get the PR. You got screwed over.
Step #3 Tell her it is over and that you know she is using you. When she resists this, tell her that it is not her choice and that you have made up your mind. Tell her that next time she wants to use a guy for immigration purposes, she should keep her legs closed for the brief period of time that it takes to do so.... I don't mean to encourage you to be rude to her, but sometimes manipulative people need a reality check. They need to know that other people are not clueless to their antics.
Step #4 Kick her out. Give her $200 if you think you need to so that she can have a hotel room for the night.
Step #5 Do not answer her calls.
Step #6 Look for someone new. There are so many nice women out there who are looking for guys like you. The fact is, it is normally the guy who cheats on the girl. The fact that you are a loyal and honest man makes you a great catch. Just know that you can do better than this manipulative woman.
From moi to you,
Miss Piggy
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Well my first question is, what did you see on her phone that made you think she was cheating? Secondly, how are you tolerating a person who is cheating on you, living with you, while you are with her. Did you confront her about wanting to be with another guy at all? Because if she does, you have to tell her to leave. You clearly showed you cared about her. Maybe something was missing in the relationship but she should have at least told you what that was. Since she didn't, she must not care to fix it. I'd say let her new guy take care of her and you move on with your life. Tell her she has not been treating you the way you deserve to be treated. She's just using you.
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So first of all, she is obviously not good at being monogamous. Don't feel bad a lot of people struggle with it. Society as whole is actually failing at monogamy. However studies show that usually when people cheat it has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in their current relationship. Check it out:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
We are not biologically wired for monogamy, for some people avoiding intimate sexual variety is like avoiding eating! The thing that drives people apart is that they feel like they have to lie about it to their partners. It's the deception that comes between you not the sexual variation. If you really Love this girl and want to make it work non-monogamy or an "open relationship," may be something that can work. If you think you can do this, you need to have an honest NON judgmental conversation with her and ask her if she wants to try it. You both have to understand and agree to not use it as a way to hurt each other or seek revenge. You do it because it is normal and natural and can add to your own sexual lives together. If your interested in this check out this link and other articles and podcasts by Dan Savage to get an idea of a how a healthy Open Relationship can work.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If you are absolutely monogamous and an open relationship is not for you ever. Then this is not the relationship for you and you two are not compatible! You need to end the relationship. If you don't want to try to work on an open relationship where you both can have outside partners and neither of you need to lie to each other about it. If you choose to do this you have two options. Number one, tell her your sorry it didn't work out and if the new job is very invested in having her as an employee they will sponsor her with a working visa. Number two, continue to help her with the visa even though your broken up and both of you can date who you like.
If you still want to help her get her visa, and your comfortable doing it as a business transaction rather then a partnership ( which is technically breaking the law), then make an agreement with her. Separate your finances, it's no longer your job to help her financially, and have her agree to something that is equally valuable to you. Perhaps your interested in a visa in her country? Perhaps she can help you pay for school, car, ect in exchange for her visa? It is technically breaking the law and runs an added risk on top of the ones you already mentioned about your name being smeared. Do you want to take these risks for someone that has been taking advantage of you?
If it were me and I really loved this person and they demonstrated to me that we could have an honest, loving, and respectful, open relationship together then I I would try doing that. You will be able to see if this is possible very easily. Sit down for an honest conversation with her (maybe have her read some of the articles or listen to the podcast about non monogamy). If she discusses it like a mature adult and is honest, understanding and willing to try, then that means she is mature enough and you can go ahead and try. If she keeps denying that she is cheating and acts childish and gets upset and angry about it. Then she is not ready to accept herself or her own reality.
If the latter happens I would break up with her and not agree to still help her with her visa. That is just me because I don't like breaking the law I would try and be honest because I"m a very blunt and honest person, but if its easy for you to lie, thats okay too. Do what you have to do and get the job done! DONT FEEL GUILTY OR LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. YOur doing the right thing so don't feel bad! Plus, If the guy she is cheating on you with is really into her, he can help her with the visa. When she resists, you just need to stay calm, confident and be honest. Tell her you wish her the best in life but you need to try and find a partner that your compatible with. It's not fair to deprive yourself of meeting someone that could love you the way you deserve to be loved. YOU HAVE TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF! Your girlfriend sounds selfish and she will try and make you feel guilty. In reality she is the one that should feel guilty for doing this to you. If she is meant to live and work there she will make it happen but she should do it on her own back not yours! Don't enable her to get ahead in life stepping on other people!!! If you let her do that your contributing to population of ass holes in the world.
Start looking for a place and tell her to start looking for a roommate to cover your half of the rent. Tell her you plan on being moved out by the end of finals if she doesn't move out. Be gracious, say your sorry it didn't work out but you can't let her do this anymore. It might be a good idea to find a friend that will let you crash on the couch for a few days so you know that you have some place to go immediately if she goes crazy when you break up. She probably also feels like a bad and dirty person living like this and will feel much better when she can live honestly.
Good Luck Honey
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tell the girl that she should please tell you the truth if she still love you that you will not brake up with her because of her visa stuff and you will help here as best as you can with the job. then tell her if she tell you that she loves you and you notice otherwise then you will break up with her. now if she say she don't love you free you mind, don't feel bad and don't brake up with her because of a visa till she have a stay. that will make her guilty and it can even make her come to her senses but if she did not change you will get a better girl that will even love you more for what you have done for this girl.
but if she say she love you then believe her don't doubt you may be wrong keep showing her love. then test her by bringing a girl in as you new girl. if she does not react then she does not love you. but if she does tell her you sorry that you just don't understand her again. I think she would change like that
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Theirs only one thing I will tell you here and I know that you know that its the right choice. You just don't want to believe it.
Be honest.
Tell her that you know, tell her shes a cheat and tell her your feelings for her are gone. Whether it wrecks her life or not, shes wrecked your life and she doesn't deserve everything that you have done for her. Get her out of your life and find someone better. She will make it just fine I can assure you, no offence what so ever, but she would most likely just go for this other guy, so for her she doesn't loose much and to be honest, I don't think you do ether.
Im pretty sure you could get so much better, so I wish you luck and I hope you do the right thing.
Best wishes.
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As far as I get it, she is using you to get PR. Just tell her the truth and dump her.
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So, to recap, you've dated your girlfriend for two years, and the last half of it she's been cheating on you and only staying because of the benefits of being your partner has to offer to her. Do you see the problem, right?
I have no doubt she's not just plain evil, that she's probably stuck in a bad situation where she has fallen out of love but her dream job is at the reach of her hand, but you know what? That's not your problem anymore. You seem like you've fallen out of love from her too, and you clearly don't have to keep up with a situation that's clearly hurting you.
Things could have been different if she was straight with the truth. Maybe you two could have reached an agreement where you could help her with her visa. Maybe you still can, but that's up to you.
What you should clearly know are your priorities. Your priority. And as selfish as this sounds, your priority is you. Just you. You're well being. Even if she wasn't cheating anymore, wich you don't believe, you've reached a place where you can't trust her, so the relationship seems over.
What you should and shouldn't do it's your choice, and only yours. I can't, or want to, tell you what to do. But if I were on your position I would finish my exams first (good luck, by the way) and then I would break up with her and talk about her Visa (if you want to help her, of course).
I'm not saying it will be nice, or that it won't hurt. I'm saying that on the long run you will be happy to go on with your life and don't have to keep up with something that's making you so unhappy.
I really hope everything turns out ok. Keep me posted if you want to. And if there's any kind of mispell I'm sorry, I'm Spanish and trying my best to help. Good luck!
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Wow umm
I always advocate compleat honesty in a relationship
Obviously she's not being honest but Maby if you take the furst step she'll folow.
You need to talk things through with her.why not sit doun and take time for a real heart to heart.
It's werth keeping in mind how vunrible being totely reliant on you may make her feel
I wish you both luck
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Dear "Troubled",
It's sounds to me like this is a one-sided relationship. As if you're the only one putting everything into the relationship while she is not. You say you treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out, tell her she's beautiful, and helped her find a job as well as learn English--but has she done any of that for you? It's the little things that count in love that make it worthwhile. It also takes two to create a great, healthy relationship... But in this, I only see one. Why are you still around her? You should move on and find true happiness... Whether it'd be starting a new life on your own or with another woman. Life is too short to stay unhappy and frustrated my friend. Love is supposed to make you happy and true to one another. I can only sense coldness and pain from your story.
It is best that you tell her how you really feel--otherwise, she will treat you a like a doormat and will feel welcome to step on you whenever she feels like it. Do not let others step on you. You're only human and you deserve to make rightful decisions about your life and happiness just as everyone else. I understand that there may be a part of you--deep inside somewhere that still somehow truly loves her... But what about you? What about the love you deserve? What about the happiness you deserve? Don't take any of that for granted... Otherwise you'll just feel inferior for the rest of your life and you'll lack the confidence to succeed for yourself...
Please, go on and find true happiness. I may not know you... But I don't want to see a good person like you get hurt.
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Now is the time to be selfish - break up with her. There is no future in this relationship for you and while it is commendable that you are thinking of her visa and work situation, it really isn't your problem. She has made her choices and now needs to deal with the consequences. Walk away without guilt - you have done nothing wrong and you need to take care of you now.
Tell her the truth: you are breaking up with her because she is cheating on you. No need to explain further. I don't know what kind of agreement you have with her in terms of living arrangements but you could give her 1 months' notice and say she has to be out by X date. You can support and help her to move as much as you care to but don't feel obliged to do this. The last month will be difficult but not impossible! I know from experience - you will be fine :) If you can sleep in separate bedrooms that would probably help, or maybe one of you can take the sofa for the last few weeks.
On the final day make sure you have a few friends around to "help her move" but actually they will be there to support you in case she causes a scene.
Good luck buddy. You sound like a person with a good heart and I hope that you move on from this and find someone who deserves you.
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I truly feel bad for you, and said a prayer the moment I read your situation. I wish there were a "right" answer to your dilemma...
What it comes down to, is that no one can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself.
1. You can confront her - if you are 100% sure she is having the affair, then simply ignore her denials. Quietly and calmly tell her that she can deny it, but you *know* the truth, and then tell her what you are going to do -
a. If the job she is getting means a move far enough away from the guy she is seeing, so that it would no longer be easy for them to see each other - then you can give her another chance. I would not even consider this an option *unless* this move would take HIM out of the picture.
b. You can tell her it is over, you are not leaving school or moving, you are not helping her obtain PR. She can do whatever she has to do at that point - perhaps HE can help her get PR somehow. Whatever - it is NOT your problem anymore. When she chose him, she chose to end her commitment to you, and so you owe her nothing.
c. You can tell her you will stay with her only long enough for her to get PR and then she has to go. If you choose this option, I would NOT leave school or move because of this job of hers - only make that move if YOU want to move also.
I believe you need to get it out in the open one way or another. I believe she is hoping you will just stay with her until she can get PR, and then all bets will be off. If you don't make some kind of move now, you might end up moved away from where you are living and deserted by the one you love in a few months. It's almost certain, given this situation, that she will leave you as soon as she gets PR.
The hardest part, regardless of the decision, will be to stick to it, ignoring everything she throws at you to try to get you to change your mind.
Stay strong - if she loses her chance at PR it is NOT your fault - she threw it away by breaking her commitment to someone who cared about her enough to help her get it. If she wants it that badly, then she will have to get HIM to sponsor her; and whatever penalties might come with that - it is not your problem; she made her choice when she cheated on you. You even gave her another chance, and she made the SAME choice again. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty for that - she knew what was at stake.
Don't expect her to be reasonable. I found out with my ex that sometimes you just have to do what is right for you, and staying friendly with your ex or having the break-up go amicably just isn't going to happen sometimes. Just accept that it WILL be ugly and she will be angry, she will not go easily, she will not reasonably agree that she messed up and deserves this - she will fight it tooth and nail and say anything she can think of to make you feel guilty and try to change your mind. Expect that from the outset and just don't listen to it. If you give her a chance, depending on how well she knows you, she might just find that one weakness you have that will make you change your mind - so don't give her the chance.
What I had to do was get out of the house and tell my ex on the PHONE that it was over. I told him to pack his things and be out that night, or I would have the police escort him out. I did not return home until he was gone. It was the only way I could do it - he mentally abused me for fifteen years, and, yes, I did feel bad for doing it that way - but looking back, that was the ONLY way to do it; otherwise he would have fought and fought and eventually he would have found a way to get to me - and then I wouldn't have gone through with it.
That's exactly what she will try to do with you. Don't let her.
Of course, if you are willing to stay with her so she can get her PR - maybe the two of you can do this amicably - but it would be difficult.
There isn't an easy answer, and I don't know if there is even a RIGHT answer. You have to do what you are comfortable with, and what you believe to be the right thing to do.
I'll keep you in my prayers - good luck!
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds like you really care about her and she's been using you. The right thing to do here in my opinion--and in general--is to tell the truth and follow the law. It sounds like your current partner lied not only to you, but also to your country. Since using people for PR almost certainly isn't the purpose behind the immigration program, this might be construed as fraud, depending on the laws of your country. You are considering complications for any potential future partners, but it's possible that you could have complications for yourself if you are helping her fake a partnership.
I think the whole scenario needs a truth cleanse. Tell her what you did and why. If she has anything to say about your snooping, I'd say that you were completely correct in looking at her phone, because she hasn't been trustworthy in the past, so if the relationship were important to her, she would have tried to earn your trust rather than be more sneaky.
Also, the truth makes it harder to resist the breakup. She clearly isn't your true partner in any sense of the word, it would be dishonest to tell your government that you are. I don't know where the other man lives or what his status is, but it would make more sense for her to ask him for help if her relationship with him is so important that she's been unwilling to give it up this long and risk her relationship with you for it.
Best of luck, you don't need this headache right now, but unfortunately, crises can't be scheduled.
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First of all , i think she is not the right girl for you for several reasons. ONE - because she cheated on you several times and cheating is the worst thing you can do in a relationship.TWO - Despite all of your care,love and concerns you gave her , she still cheats on you , and i think shes just taking full advantage from you ,because she says that she ''loves you'' while she doesn't,her only goal is to stay with you as you describe and if you break up with her , which i think is the best action to take,she will be expelled from your country.I think you should choose ,the girl you'll spend the rest of your life with, more wisely.If you give her , you should get from her.Confront her without hesitation , and break up with her and if she asks ''why'' you know what to say;)
My email - Ahmedscater2@hotmail.com
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Alright so first off id just like to say that I'm very sorry for this to be happening to especially at a time like this with exams, as I know how a situation like this can effect a persons life. In all honesty I think you deserve so much better then this girl whether or not you are in love with her. I think that your best bet is to straight up break up with her. She doesn't have any right to treat you the way you say she does and to be using you to get her RP, just to turn around and leave you for this other guy is some serious bullshit. You should take her to a place where you know you guys will have time to talk it through and where you feel safe if she was to react badly (hostility can sometimes occur). And there sit her down and let her know that you are aware of her unfaithfulness and her plans to abandon you when she has had her fill. Then tell her that you are breaking up with her because you deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them and whatever else you think is necessary to include. You don't owe this girl anything and if does mess her up that's her own damn fault for doing what she has. Stay strong my friend and don't let her guilt trip you into anything. As a girl I know that some women will break down crying and telling you how much they need you and how they never realized how good you were to them before but that's just crap. She will most likely try and feed you some sob story but please stand your ground you will be so much better off in the long run even though it'll hurt now. Dump her ass and let her be the other guys problem.
I really hope you find someone who will treat you as well as you have treated this women. Hope I've helped, feel free to message me if you need anymore advice. Good luck lovely :)
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This is very troubling. You have a few options.
1) Break up with her. She will lose her job, permanent residence in your country, and pretty much any chance at a job in her own country. You will be free of her current and future emotional backlash. You will sit her down, tell her you know about the cheating, tell her you're breaking up with her, quietly sit there for a couple hours while she flips her proverbial shit, ignore her for a month, and be done with the whole affair.
2) Stick with it. Just put up with her bullshit for another 18 months. She will keep her job, break up with you, and pretty much waste your time with pretending not to be cheating. You will get hurt. Big time. You probably won't be able to get over her, living in close quarters. In this situation, the best you can do is minimize. Don't talk to her more than you have to. Don't go out on dates more than you have to. Put the absolute minimum effort into the relationship, and rest assured that she isn't even matching it.
3) Lie to the government. Probably not a great option, but if it's the best you've got, it's the best you've got. You will sit her down, tell her you're breaking up with her, that you will still let her mooch off the Partner Visa, and that you know about the cheating.
If she acknowledges the cheating, she will live with you for the 18 months, and you will ignore her to the best of your abilities.
If she doesn't acknowledge the cheating in that situation, you should run. Fucking run. Because that means she's manipulationg you for reasons other than the PR-most likely for fun. And suffice to say, that would fucking suck.
I can't tell you what to do here, but I wish you the best of luck.
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Hey!
Wow this is a lot of information but I will try my best to help you out here. Firstly, I want to say that you don't deserve to be treated like this! You seem like a really lovely, caring guy who deserves the same kind of attention back. This girl has not given you that and for that reason I don't think you should stand for it. You've got to stand up for yourself because at the end of the day if you don't, who will?
I think you need to be honest with her and explain how you've seen the messages and you know that she is still being unfaithful. Explain how hurt you are by this and that you simply can't put up with it anymore. Everyone has to be a little selfish at some point and putting yourself first is not necessarily a bad thing! Dishonesty ruined this relationship so don't stoop to her level by ending it with lies!
I understand that you care for this girl and that ending it with her would cause her a lot of trouble. I'm not an expert in this field which brings me to ask that is there not someone else she could stay with until she gets fully accepted into your country to work? If so you may want to consider that as an option.
If you have no option but to live with her for the month then it will be tough but worth it in the end! Just find things to do and reasons to not be around the house and therefore around her for the month. See your friends lots and plan nights out with them. Not only will this keep you from being around her but it will help you to forget her and realise how much more you deserve from a relationship.
Overall, I think that you have got to do what is best for you and what will ultimately make you happy. You need people in your life that you can trust and love and that you know feel the same towards you. This is a tough battle but it will be one that will make you a stronger person!
Good luck and all the best- sliceofadvice :)
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Tell her, tell her now. Tell her before you call immigration. Tell her before your exams. Tell her before it's convenient or more comfortable for you. Tell her today.
If your true concern is for her as a fellow human being. If you really want to do the best thing you can for her. If you really want to behave with the most respect and kindness you can, then you need to tell her what is up.
If you know it's over, say so.
Every day you delay, is a day you are robbing her of the chance to make other plans, to cope, to find the resources and support she needs. Every day you stall, you are lying to her about her basic safety and life plans.
Every day you lie, you are betraying her trust.
Sure, she betrayed you first! She's awful, and dependant, and a user. That may all be perfectly true and maybe most people wont blame you for waiting, biding your time till it's more convenient and comfortable for you. But you asked for advice so here it is: The best, most respectful thing you can do is tell her, and tell her now.
Tell her the truth. Tell her that even if you are WRONG and she didn't actually cheat, it doesn't matter anymore because your trust and love is gone. Then tell immigration, very shortly after telling her. That will help her see it is real and serious, but tell her first. Deal with the human part of the equation first.
Tell her this isn't a negotiation. Tell her your mind is made up. Tell her you will be contacting immigration that day (or at worst the next) and there is nothing she can say to change that. Your relationship is over and so is your PR support for her. Understand you'll need to spend an evening or two listening to her resistance, by all means you can sympathize with how difficult this is, but don't alter your plans or change your position.
Find another place to be. Crash with friends. Borrow money from parents to stay in a cheap motel. Study at the library. Hang out at the mall. Make a bed for yourself on the couch. Whatever. Deal with the stress by avoiding it as much as possible, but deal with it by telling her the truth.
I get that this is epically difficult and horrible. The timing is terrible. It's all sorts of trouble for you. But it's also all sorts of trouble for her. So be honest, and let her handle her part of the trouble. Right now you are protecting yourself rather than being honest, and I get that, I really do, however I've always believed that the only time any dishonesty or withholding is acceptable is when there is a fear of violence. If you know she isn't going to try and beat you up, then you owe it to her to tell her what you've decided. Maybe I wouldn't be able to do any better, or follow my own advice if I were in your shoes. But I hope I would, and I hope you do.
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You do have a unique situation, one that I cannot tell you what you should do though. I will tell you what I would do in your place.
1. I would contact the Immigration service and advise them that I am no longer willing to sponsor her for PR status. If she was this disrespectful to dishonor me in this manner as to lie to me and cheat on me then she can very well let the guy she is cheating with sponsor her.
2. Once I have informed Immigration of my change of heart I would tell her. The reason for doing it in this order is so she cannot somehow talk me out of it with more lies, more promises and deceptions. At this time I would tell her she needs to either find someplace to live and someone to sponsor her or you will help her with transportation back to her home country.
These are the only two steps that I see as needing to be taken. As I see it she has made her bed; now she can lay in it. By lying to me she has broken any bond that may have been between us and I owe her nothing but a roof over her head until she can make other living arrangements or arrange to return to her home country. This would not be an open ended time period; I would give her a date by which she would have to be out of my home and my life.
I know I would be hurt doing this and I would also feel bad for myself and possibly for her. I'm not sure about feeling bad for her for as I said I'm not the one who has done wrong here she has so she has only herself to blame. I would feel as if I were being used, which is what she is doing. She is using me to get her PR card and then would leave me anyway so why should I put off being hurt and just make myself miserable for two years.
One thing I do now is in the U.S. Immigration would take a very dim view of her staying with you just long enough to get her green card (PR) then leaving you. They can and could rescind PR status if they were to find out. It may be the same for whatever country you're talking about. Immigration authorities don't like being gamed for the purpose of entry or resident permits.
This is what I would do and what you could or should do if you want do. I see no reason for you to continue the sham of this. If for some reason you continued with this charade and let her stay with you until she had PR status and she does leave you. IF immigration were to find out and revoke her PR status you could be in legal trouble. Something you should check into.
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