Website:Simple Solutions for Life
Member Since:September 30, 2010
Last Update:September 11, 2014
General Sex Questions
aboutHello, I'm a 36 year old female and I have a driving desire to help people. You see, I've made many mistakes in my life. I was married for 15 years to a sexually and mentally abusive man, and for 12 of those years I had an affair. I dabbled in drugs- heavy drugs, and ended up with a disease that will probably kill me. I had to split up my family - seperate myself from my children - for almost a year when I had a nervous breakdown. I've made many bad mistakes. I've done things that once I said "I would NEVER..." do. I had turned into a person I didn't know at all - I couldn't look myself in the eye.
Life has been kind to me since then. I have a job that allows me to work from home and spend every waking moment with my current husband, who is everything I've wanted in a man since I was a little girl. I have him - this man who I've dreamed of all my life - a dream I'd given up on - and he adores me completely. My children are back with me and I'm able to hold them every day, care for them, help them. I feel I owe a great debt, and the way I feel like I need to pay it is to use my experience - my experience in abuse, sexual and mental, drugs, divorce, handling children, marraige - to use everything I've learned in my life, to help others.
I promise you this - I will give you the most honest and straightforward answer I can, I'll do my very best to read your words and questions carefully, I'll research things if I have to, and in all ways - my main goal will ALWAYS be to help, however I can.
Thank you for taking the time to read about me. :) Let me help you, if I can. *hugs*
I sent a few nudes to a guy I met online and he's sent me money in return for them and now he's blackmailing me saying if I don't send him something else then he'll post all my pics on the internet.. Is there anything I can do to stop him? Can the police do anything?
It's doubtful - are you underage?
If so, they can arrest him for buying child porn - but you may be arrested for selling it also.
If you aren't, and you have some kind of proof that he has threatened you, they may be able to stop him.
I don't think there is anything illegal about selling nude pics of yourself, if you are an adult - but I don't know that for a fact.
Talking to a lawyer would be your best bet for a next step. Whether you are underage or not, I think... I am not sure if a lawyer can turn you in if you go to him for advice and admit to engaging in illegal activities.
It's a really rough spot you're in, and I hope you aren't hurt too badly either way... good luck, I really wish you the best. I am sorry I could not help too much.
So I had been a Wiccan for months, and my dad had the bad idea of it. That every Wiccan was a witch. That witches are evil. That the Horned God is associated with Satan because he has horns/antlers. I have never felt comfortable in Christianity, but felt comfortable in Wicca, like I was 100% safe and nothing would ever hurt me. I'll be turning 18 in a few months. Should I just light candles in my room, try to tell the Horned God that I'm sorry and that I'll move in with my friend when I turn 18 and become a Wiccan again?
Your dad is trying to keep you safe, and he believes the path you are following will lead to unhappiness and immorality. He, along with the majority of society, sees "Wiccans" or witches as inherently evil, and their Horned God as the Devil. He is afraid that you are going down a path straight to Hell - which is a REALLY terrible place - eternal suffering? Um... no one wants that for their kids!!
He also still sees you as an impressionable young and innocent child, who just doesn't know any better. He thinks you've been misled and corrupted, and that it is his job as your father to help you find your way back to the right path. He will not listen to what you have to say on the subject because, quite simply, he believes you have been brainwashed, or corrupted, by this "Wiccan" group - which he thinks is inherently evil. He is afraid for you, and you are his baby - he is not going to be very reasonable - it's his emotional side talking, not his rational side.
Because he is your father, you should respect his wishes. You should also listen to everything he has to say - he might know something or have information that you don't, and it may affect how you feel about everything. Give his guidance a chance - he wants only the best for you.
If, after you have listened to him and truly thought about what he has to say, you still feel Wicca is the right path for you, the first thing I would do is try to find someone he will listen to, who does understand why you have chosen this path, and ask them to talk to him.
I would certainly adhere to his wishes. Don't practice the rituals or ceremonies in his home. He has the right to say what can or cannot be done under his roof. But he cannot dictate what you believe. If you prayer and keep the Wiccan beliefs in your heart, and live by them day by day, you have nothing to apologize for. If rituals are required, find somewhere else to enact them.
Try to remember that he is much, much older, and much wiser than you. He was your age once, and he had rebellious thoughts, and he learned - he has a lifetime of experiences he has learned from - and he really is wiser than you are. Times have changed, true, but people and the ways of the world never change - and he has learned a lot more than you probably can even imagine. So listen to what he has to say, and consider it very, very carefully.
I think if you show him that you ARE listening, and that your reasons for going with Wicca are well thought out and logical, and if he is shown what Wicca really is, he may lay off a bit. If not - well, like I said - he cannot make you believe something you don't.
If you don't know someone who is sympathetic to your choice who will talk to him, I would try to find some books or booklets or maybe a website on Wicca, and if you show him you are listening to him and considering what he is saying in a logical and thoughtful way - maybe he will be willing to take a look at the website and find out about what Wicca truly is all about.
Good luck, and remember - he is your father, and you owe him your respect and your consideration. He makes the rules in his house and you should follow them. But he nor anyone else can tell you what to believe - that has to be your choice.
Take care - I hope I have helped some. *smile*
OK, my life sucks. My mother hates me and is doing drugs, my dad keeps molesting me and I can't feel emotions or make friends. Now how the fuck do I commit suicide.
Nothing will even have the chance of getting better if you commit suicide.
By committing suicide you're cheating yourself out of a future withOUT being molested and hated; a future withOUT having to rely on protection from someone who is on drugs.
By committing suicide --- you lose, and they win.
Don't let them win. Go to the child protective agency. Go to the police department. Go to the courthouse. Go to your teacher, your principal, your counselor. Go to someone and get help. YOU have done nothing wrong - yet (I hope) - if you kill yourself, then you've done something wrong.
If you are ashamed or afraid - how can it be worse than dying? Everyone will know if you kill yourself, and no one will be able to help. At least if you go to someone now, you won't be dead.
Right now there is a very GOOD chance that your life WILL get better. If you kill yourself, you are throwing away that chance.
Plus, the ones abusing will most likely just find someone else to abuse. If you come forward, they may be charged and those charges may save the next child they decide to abuse.
You have a responsibility to yourself and to the world to stay alive and come forward. Make them take responsibility for THEIR actions. Don't let them win.
Once I have anal sex and it didn't slipper to my vagina, am I still a virgin? (Stressed)
I cannot imagine having had anal sex and still considering yourself a virgin -
Using the technical definition - if your hymen is still whole, you are a virgin. So if you have never been vaginally penetrated, then yes, you are a virgin, technically.
Why is staying a virgin important to you? I am trying to imagine a reason where participating in anal sex would not mean basically the same thing as virginal, and I just cannot.
You can still be infected with diseased anally. You are still sharing the most intimate activities with someone when you have sex anally. You are still risking pregnancy - although it is much less likely - when you have sex anally - (because when he ejaculates, the liquid will drip into the vaginal area and could possibly still enter the uterus - very, very unlikely, but a risk) -
Sharing the intimacy of any kind of sex is something that can only be truly appreciated when it is done with someone who you so close to, that when you are with that person, you are as comfortable as you are when you are by yourself.
Sex, in any form - vaginal, oral, or anal - is never as meaningful or as wonderfully magically and intimately transforming - as it is when you experience it with the one person on the planet who you know so well and so deeply, that you only feel truly at home when you are with them. When you can know someone in such a way that no matter how they change - you love them for their soul - you love not who they might be at this certain time and place, but you love the person they were on the day the born - who is the same as the person they will be on the day they day, and the person they stay every day of their life - that deep and intimate part of person that never changes, even while they learn and grown and their looks and opinions and habits and likes and dislikes change -
And even then - sex in any form cannot be truly enjoyed and understood in a meaningful way, until the person you are with, loves you in that same way.
When you just know - without doubt - that they are there for you and simply always will be, and that you have found your other half, and thinking that there might be someone else out there for you is just - not possible.
Don't settle. Wait for it; it's worth the wait. And whether they penetrate your vagina or not - that's a detail that loses all meaning when you start to really understand what sex is really all about.
So my answer, if you have had anal sex with someone, but have never been penetrated vaginally?
Technically your still a *vaginal* virgin.
Morally? Mentally? Psychologically and Emotionally? No - I'm sorry, but you are most certainly *not* a virgin.
Good luck to you, and when you do find that person I describe - it will be like you have never had sex before; you will wonder what it was you were doing all those other times when you *thought* it was sex...
I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.
For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.
Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.
In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.
I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.
To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.
What would you do?
What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?
How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?
What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.
Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?
Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.
Thanks in advance.
I truly feel bad for you, and said a prayer the moment I read your situation. I wish there were a "right" answer to your dilemma...
What it comes down to, is that no one can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself.
1. You can confront her - if you are 100% sure she is having the affair, then simply ignore her denials. Quietly and calmly tell her that she can deny it, but you *know* the truth, and then tell her what you are going to do -
a. If the job she is getting means a move far enough away from the guy she is seeing, so that it would no longer be easy for them to see each other - then you can give her another chance. I would not even consider this an option *unless* this move would take HIM out of the picture.
b. You can tell her it is over, you are not leaving school or moving, you are not helping her obtain PR. She can do whatever she has to do at that point - perhaps HE can help her get PR somehow. Whatever - it is NOT your problem anymore. When she chose him, she chose to end her commitment to you, and so you owe her nothing.
c. You can tell her you will stay with her only long enough for her to get PR and then she has to go. If you choose this option, I would NOT leave school or move because of this job of hers - only make that move if YOU want to move also.
I believe you need to get it out in the open one way or another. I believe she is hoping you will just stay with her until she can get PR, and then all bets will be off. If you don't make some kind of move now, you might end up moved away from where you are living and deserted by the one you love in a few months. It's almost certain, given this situation, that she will leave you as soon as she gets PR.
The hardest part, regardless of the decision, will be to stick to it, ignoring everything she throws at you to try to get you to change your mind.
Stay strong - if she loses her chance at PR it is NOT your fault - she threw it away by breaking her commitment to someone who cared about her enough to help her get it. If she wants it that badly, then she will have to get HIM to sponsor her; and whatever penalties might come with that - it is not your problem; she made her choice when she cheated on you. You even gave her another chance, and she made the SAME choice again. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty for that - she knew what was at stake.
Don't expect her to be reasonable. I found out with my ex that sometimes you just have to do what is right for you, and staying friendly with your ex or having the break-up go amicably just isn't going to happen sometimes. Just accept that it WILL be ugly and she will be angry, she will not go easily, she will not reasonably agree that she messed up and deserves this - she will fight it tooth and nail and say anything she can think of to make you feel guilty and try to change your mind. Expect that from the outset and just don't listen to it. If you give her a chance, depending on how well she knows you, she might just find that one weakness you have that will make you change your mind - so don't give her the chance.
What I had to do was get out of the house and tell my ex on the PHONE that it was over. I told him to pack his things and be out that night, or I would have the police escort him out. I did not return home until he was gone. It was the only way I could do it - he mentally abused me for fifteen years, and, yes, I did feel bad for doing it that way - but looking back, that was the ONLY way to do it; otherwise he would have fought and fought and eventually he would have found a way to get to me - and then I wouldn't have gone through with it.
That's exactly what she will try to do with you. Don't let her.
Of course, if you are willing to stay with her so she can get her PR - maybe the two of you can do this amicably - but it would be difficult.
There isn't an easy answer, and I don't know if there is even a RIGHT answer. You have to do what you are comfortable with, and what you believe to be the right thing to do.
I'll keep you in my prayers - good luck!
I started dating a girl in December, I'm not going to say all the normal love stuff, because, this was a normal relationship, we believed we were perfect for eachother, we loved eachother, ect. Her parents liked me, I went to church and all with them, they were Catholic I'm Baptist.
Well, she would always say how she's always hungry, she doesn't eat as much (later finding out they sometimes don't give her food for like a day or two), her parents call her names like slut, whore, bitch, just cause their mad or so, or they'd slap her, like, they slap her all the time when they don't get their way basically. Sometimes they whip them (her and her sister) with a belt I believe, but it never leaves bruises so she thinks it's "not illegal" because of that, but it burns and hurts her like hell. One time she said "my mother whipped me with a belt 15 times because I drew on the blinds"
Anyways on with the story, everything was normal, until the day before valentines day, her mom grounded her because we were 30 minutes late from the lake which was half a mile away. February 17th or 18th I forget, she got in a argument with her mom, as always the slapping, name calling, she was unhappy. We ran away in the middle of the night together, she said she was going to run away even if I didn't.
So, I protected her, we ran away, we were gone for 18 hours. When we came back, we went into the house and talked to the parents, well, the parents are HIGHLY manipulative and all so remember this later. The mother said how she doesn't even want my girlfriend there, if it wasn't for the dad she wouldn't be there, and responsibility this responsibility that, basically saying their all gonna die if she doesn't do things right, her mother is literally mentally unstable or something... The cop came obviously, the dad said I was a good kid he liked me and all, and we hugged when I left. Everything was normal.
The next day I went there, the mom was mad obviously, we hanged out for 2 or 3 weeks in a normal way. Then I had to goto another state for 3 weeks, I told them I was leaving, and I really was, but I had problems and went to the state over instead with my family for 5 days. Well, we snuck out when I got back because we knew we wouldn't be able to see eachother until the weekend, we always wanted to see eachother. This wasn't the first time we snuck out, and we've been caught 3 times before by her parents. They forgave us though each time.
This time, I lied to the mom sadly saying I was in Missouri. Acted like I was worried the next day ect, the sister had told the mom the truth I guess. The mother 2 days later (March 7th) filed a Protection Order, for no legit reason. Ill say the statements later. The P.O. was served to me March 9th
The dad, is like loyal to the wife because their catholic and all, not to bash the religion in any way. But he just is. I know he would never do this, he didn't file anything. Anyways I went to the house to reconcile with him and he just kept saying go, go, go bla bla no reason then just started saying I was too old. He knew I wasnt, he liked me, he was just doing this for the wife. Cops ended up coming I still refused to leave because I wanted to reconcile, then they tresspassed me.
Anyways, March 17th, I went to walmart, they were all there, the dad walked like "Hey (my name), I see you got a job!" What? "You're wearing your uniform!" Oh yeah "Well, bye!" he was all happy and everything.
After seeing me 3 more times he left with my gf to the car.
March 20th came, the P.O. court date, the statements on it were "Ran away, sneaking out to the lake several times, reporting bullying and saying everything will be okay" I reported her being bullied from people.. And they think thats bad? Hah. Well, the mom anyways. We told the judge about how their using me as a disclipinary tool, how they call her names and mental abuse, how I always just helped her. Not really detailing it but that's short for it, Judge said "Everything was in good intentions for her nothing was done wrong, all he did was help her." and set the P.O. for 3 months.
We got letters on March 24th and March 27th saying how they hurt her she doesn't wanna be there that they say their the "dictators" of the family and they slap her, call her bitch and slut, and that her Aunt threatened to kill me and has a plan and a gun in her car. And will do anything for her mom she doesn't care cause she loves her mom.
April 3rd we violated it, she was being starved I heard so I was going to take her to McDonalds, cops caught us within 5 minutes because I "ran a stop sign", well I was on a slope. It was dark, so yeah.
April 9th, the mother chased me, followed me, I ran from her to my friends house and a cop started grabbing me for no reason when he came to investigate so I pushed him and got charged for assault and battery and a violation, went to jail for 6 days. I really did nothing wrong, this cop just started grabbing me then shoving me into the police car because I yelled my mothers number at my friend because he wouldnt let me call her, I KNEW the cops wouldn't call her thats why I tried. Cop wasnt listening to me say they were chasing me before all this, he detained me as soon as he saw me in my truck he said get out and I did then I was like am i being detained he was like yes. He cant do that without any further cause...
So yeah I was arrested. Went to jail for 6 days and now I'm under 24/7 supervision for awhile, we believe their going to give me probation in another state...
Well, we have around 3 open DHS cases on her, then 2 more from other people we believe. But DHS hasn't visited her since ending of March, its May now. And their all open cases.
Now here's where things get interesting, this just happened, and is why I'm looking for help.
2 days ago she showed up to my house, freezing, wet, covered in grass. It was a 4 mile walk to out here, through the lake woods and all. I was so sad I let her in, got her my sweats and got her warm, held her, she explained what happened how they hurt her and she doesn't wanna be there, she showed me a bruise which is the size of a french fry, my friend and her said it was bigger, it's 4 days old, still blood red.
Her mother ended up showing up, we called the cops, but she was saying she doesn't wanna be there they hurt her they hit her they call her names and just wanted help... A Sheriff came in, I was in the other room then because the PO, my mother was with them, my Gf had said all I've said how they hurt her and call her names she doesnt wanna be with them shes scared and unhappy and some stories on how they hurt before.
So sheriff took her to the police car and then talked to us then talked to her parents. There was another sheriff here then, they pulled out a letter. They talked for like 30 minutes. Now before we continue, this family is highly manipulative, believable, looks normal but when you leave their house their evil and hitting her. They've lie to the POLICE (not sheriff) to think were Sex Traffickers, idk if they believe it just because "were from Arizona" and my mother said it was okay if my Gf wanted to live with us, when she ran away, if it was okay with the parents. So because of that they lie about some stuff.
My gf said to the sheriff how when the police come her parents make them goto the room and their never really questioned or get to talk that the police and her parents just get along... So now theres gonna be more DHS and police involved I guess.
Anyways, sheriff sent her back with the mom, said theres going to be in-house DHS counciling, police, and all. It's devestating because my GF absoloutely doesnt want to be with them, they seriously hurt her. They wont let her go with her real mom the sheriff said "THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE" in a loud voice, because the mother lied to them we think.
The letter the mother showed them was a letter, in short, saying "I'm running away to see (my name)" which ruined everything I think. Because cops said she didn't run away because they hurt her, which is WHY she did run away, she told me, but yes, she came to me to tell me first, she wanted help they do hurt her.
What can we do?!
I've made about a 6 page letter to the dad since theres no Protection Order from him...
Were not doing this just so we can see eachother, that's part of the reason, but they really hurt her she wants out.
I have just turned 17 and she has just turned 15, at the end of April and beginning of May.
When she came here she said her mother had said "Now I see why (cousins name) mother let her boyfriend move in."
Sounds like a pretty tough situation. I'll try to help some, but no matter how things go down, it sounds like things will probably get worse before they start to get better -
First, you really should make sure you know the law where you live. At 17 you can probably be tried as an adult if you break the law, and if you are in jail you can't help her at all.
You need to know what you can legally do to help - it may be that even being alone with her could get you in trouble, maybe even ending with you having to be on the sex offender's registry. At 15, she isn't old enough to legally consent to be with you in any state, and in many states all her parents need to prove is that you two were alone together, and they can press charges for molestation of a child. You don't want that on your record...
Also, you can help her by finding out what is legal for her to do. She may be legally able to leave home no matter what her parents say - it sounds like that's not the case from what you describe with the cops and the sheriff, but check anyway - sometimes law enforcement doesn't know the law as well as they think, and sometimes if YOU don't know the law, they just go with the easiest course of action (sending her home with her parents) even though she may be legally able to say No to going back.
That all depends on the state you're in.
Next I would get everything that's happened all sorted out and written down. There's a lot of information there, and some of it sounds difficult, or impossible, to prove, and some sounds as if it might be exagerrated. I'm not saying it is - but as a young person, if you want authority figures who can actually, legally help her get out of this situation, they are going to need to take you seriously, and they will need to believe you and her over her parents.
To make that happen, write down everything - and then start going through and pulling out those things you can prove, one way or another. Things you have actually SEEN or HEARD her mom do or say to her - things you can take pictures to prove - if there are any hospital or medical records - if someone else actually witnessed abuse - those are the things that are going to get someone's attention.
You aren't going to be able to get her out unless the authorities or the law are on her side - if the law says she cannot leave home legally, then they will simply keep taking her back. Until there is some kind of proof, or some way to convince the authorities she is in clear immediate danger, trying to get her out of there will only get you into some serious trouble. Even kidnapping is something they might charge you with.. it wouldn't be pretty.
I hear a lot about how you are trying to help her, but try to work within the system - get the information to the authorities. Don't get angry or aggresive with them, just be persistant. And keep on being persistant. If you bug them and bug them about how she is in danger and needs to be removed, eventually they will do something.
But be very, VERY sure about what you're doing, and make sure she is, too. I don't want to sound as if I don't believe this - that isn't the case - but if she is exaggerating about her parents refusing her food, hitting her, etc., and you follow this route, she may not just be allowed to move in with you - in fact, that is probably not going to happen at all unless/untill she is old enough to leave legally -
The authorities will remove her from her home and she'll be placed in the system - that means foster care. There is no telling where she may end up, it may be worse than what she is having to deal with now.
All of these are things that must be considered. But before all - please find out the law and make sure you don't go to jail for child molestation, kidnapping, etc. - you could end up with a permanent record, and some serious jail time. And make sure she knows what is going to happen - will foster care be preferable to where she is now? Foster families, for the most part, take good care of the kids - it's the rare exception to find one where the kids are abused - but it does happen.
So that's my advice - I know it's not what you would like to hear, but it's the only smart way to proceed. Make sure you know the law, and work within the law. Get all the facts straight, and then be persistant with them. If you stay calm and you have good, solid information with proof (if at all possible) - someone will listen to you, and then she will get help.
Be careful, and good luck!
How can you tell if a name is Italian?
You can\'t really, not for certain - but you may be able to find out if the name was originally Italian.
Here are a couple of sites that you can use to look up a surname, or last name:
Or do a search for: \"Find nationality of surname\" and choose from many other sites where you can look it up.
If it\'s a first name, either do a search for: \"Find nationality of a first name\", and choose one of the many sites out there where you can look up a first name. Here are a couple of links you can try if you don\'t want to do a search:
It isn\'t 100%, but it\'s the best you could do without just asking the person in question if they are Italian or not.
Hope that helps!
I'm 18f and my boyfriend is 17m we have been together for almost 7 months; we have had our problems like most couples do, and we have got through it. He has a real bad problem with his anger, although he has never layed a hand on me before, or even came close; he just raises his voice at me often, and sometime curses. Well, there is this guy named Jesse. He's 17/m and he works with me, and went to the same school me and my boyfriend went to before we graduated this year; for the last three months, Jesse has had the biggest crush on me. He says he's in love with me and he's not going to stop waiting for me, and he doesn't want me to rush me and my boyfriend relationship; so he is going to wait patiently. I didn't believe him at first; I figured I'd give him a couple of weeks and he'd stop waiting and find someone else; NOPE. 3 months and he is still waiting; we having touched, or anything; so I don't see how he is in love with me; he tells everyone how he feels for me; and he seems very serious about it. He's a total sweetheart; which my boyfriend really isn't the type to have a way with words; and he doesn't really say sweet things to me as much as he should; (being a girl; we like to hear it!) I told him I was going to take my time with my boyfriend; and work out everything we can work through until we come across something that can't be worked through and I wasn't going to do anything to rush us breaking up. He understood and told me to take as long as I needed cause he'd still be there. We both agree if we are meant together we will end up together; The last month I have caught myself thinking about Jesse alot, and I think I have allowed myself to gain feelings for him; but I think its wrong, so I'm telling myself no. My life is about to really start. I graduated high school this May; and now I'm starting college for Medical. I have a car and a job; and I'm trying to figure out whats going to be best for my future. My boyfriend doesn't have a job or a car; and jesse had a job but no car; Riley wants to go to college but he doubts he will because he just wants to work; and Jesse wants to go to college for Culniary Arts;
I love my boyfriend dearly; and I've talked to him about this whole situation and he's hurt by it; and I completely understand; Ive thought about it for the last month and I'm torn. Do I stay with my boyfriend who we fight a little more than most; or try this new guy without knowing if it'll only bee a couple of month thing? Please help me out; I truely don't know what to do; at all.
Remember above all else that there is no reason to rush anything - keep focusing on what you want to do for a living and make that your priority. As far as trying to make a decision between your boyfriend and Jesse, the point to try to remember is that you don't have to make any permanent decisions yet. Take your time and let things happen as they will, and find out more about your boyfriend and what he expects from you, and if you can handle that. Remember that if any guy wants you to do something that is bad for you, or if they make demands that make you unhappy, then they're not thinking of you and your feelings, and don't deserve your devotion. That's the mistake us women make over and over, when we think that we deserve or we've done something to cause our boyfriend to demand something from us, something that we're not happy about. It's not true and try not to fall into that trap. Just remember that you're young and at the beginning of your life, and while the decisions you make now might just affect the rest of your life - there's no need to make some of them right now. Keep your goals for your future solidly in mind - and know that the situation with your boyfriend and Jessie will work out for the best, as long as you stay true to your self and don't let anyone make you feel pressured to do anything you don't want to or you're not ready for. Enjoy life while you're young, and don't make any lifelong commitments until you've figured out what you want for yourself - because only then will you be able to tell if the man you're thinking about is okay with that or not. And that above all is a necessity. :)
Okay, Im 18/f and my boyfriend is 17/m. I've had sex with two guys, and he is still a virgin, because the last girl he was with for a year and a half was saving herself for marriage. We have talked on and off for a few months last year when him and his ex broke up; than they got back together; now we have been together for a month. The chemestry between us is amazing. We have a great connection phyiscally, emotionally, and mentally. Well, I know boys will be boys, and they get horny quite often, just like girls do too. I very rarely get horny. There was an inncident that happened when I was 15 where I almost got raped, if it wasn't for my friend that walked in, and got him off of me, I would have. (I was drunk at the time too) Big mistake. I told riley about it at the beginning of our relatioship, and he cried because it pissed him off somoene would do that to me.
Well. Riley has already fingered me, and what not, but since then, Riley is always trying to pull moves on me, when he knows IM not in the mood. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good at all, and we was laying in his bed together, I was trying to take a nap, and he tried rubbing on me down there, and I told him to stop, he did for maybe a minute, and did it again. Theres been a couple of times, I've told him No, and he still tries. He says that he loves me, but yet he doesn't stop when I ask him too. He said its hard for him to control himself with that kind of stuff, and I told him if he really loved me, he would find a way to control it. I told him theres a difference in my sexual stop, and my serious one, and he knows the difference in them pretty well. He just doesn't know how to stop when I tell him too. It usually takes me to cry in order for him to stop. He knows about me almost getting raped, and yet he doesn't stop. I think he's confusing lust with love. Maybe he's only with me because he knows I've had sex, and I will have sex with him? I don't know.
Don't give up - hold tight to your gut feeling. If you're not comfortable with anything he's doing, don't let him press you into it. It's too important, and if he doesn't respect that - there's someone out there who will, and you *deserve* to be respected.
If he's pushing you to the point of tears - then he's pushing you too far. If he's only with you because he wants sex - then you should find out as soon as possible, or you'll be hurt worse later. You'll have to talk straight with him about it - and if he's not a person you can really talk to, again, you should find out as soon as you can.
I wouldn't try to second guess him - it's true that guys that age have serious driving instincts and impulses and it's hard for them to control. But if he truly cares for you, he *will* control those impulses. Make sure he knows how much his pushing upsets you - I think your tears should tell him that, but some guys are funny about tears. So talk to him about it also, a different time when you're not upset.
I'm trying to be generous with this guy, but I have to tell you it's difficult. Just from what you've said, I'm afraid that you're right - he's confusing love with lust; either that or he's purposefully trying to get you to have sex with him. I hope for his and your sake both that he's confused and not just being a jerk. Either way, though, you should do the same thing.
See, there are three different things that may be going on. The first thing, the worst possibility - is that he's being a jerk. He just wants sex from you and he's saying whatever he thinks it will take to get it.
The second possibility is that he just wants sex from you but he *believes* that he loves you.
The last possibility, the one we always hope for, is that he really does love you and he's just having a lot of trouble controlling himself.
No matter which possibility it is - what you should do *now* is the same. I mentioned that you need to know which it is - because, obviously if its the first or second possibility, you want to get out before you get hurt. I also mentioned that you need to be able to talk to him - that is absolutely necessary in a relationship. If you can't talk then you will also get hurt, and if that's the case, it doesn't matter whether he loves you or not - communication is the first basic necessity. Even if you love each other madly - you must be able to communicate. You should find that out now, too, because that will hurt even more than if he's just after you for sex - it will hurt you both.
Again, no matter what it is he's feeling, you should do the same thing - talk to him.
I know you already have, and if you've already talked to him and you know he truly understood everything you said - deep down - then I think that probably you already know what you should do next. I mean, of course, dropping him. I know that's kind of blunt and much MUCH harder than it sounds - but it will be so SO much harder and more painful later. At least now you will be doing it by choice and on your terms. If you don't do it now, you're giving that control to him. It's like you're saying:
"I know this relationship won't work, and I know I should end it right now, but I really don't want to. So instead I'll just wait until I'm hurt so much that I just can't take it anymore, or until *you* realize it will never work and decide to dump me, instead."
And so you'll be opening yourself up for a fall - and it might happen right at the very worst time. If you get it done and over with now, you won't have this huge gaping hole just waiting to swallow you when you least expect it.
Now the reason I keep saying "Talk to him" is this - guys handle their feelings in a totally different way than girls do. They feel something and react - while girls feel something, talk about it with our friends, examine it under the microscope, figure out exactly what it is, and then decide how to handle it.
So that's why I say that he may believe he loves you even if he only wants you for sex. Again, though, no matter what - you have to talk to him.
When you talk to him, keep in mind what I said about feelings. It's very difficult to get a guy to look at his feelings like we do. They tend to avoid the matter - they've been raised that way - it's conditioned into them from birth. Instead they will fall into this pattern of just telling you what they think you want to hear.
So avoid actually *naming* the feelings. Try to explain the result of your emotions instead of naming the emotions themselves. It's impossible to do completely, but the more you can manage to do so, the better he will understand what you're saying.
If you accuse him of not loving you, he'll fight it with all his might. If you say something like "If you loved me, you would not push." - he won't agree inside, and he'll fall into the pattern (telling you what he thinks you want to hear). Instead speak in solid, physical terms.
For example, here's how you might explain it:
"When you start to push me for sex, after I've already told you I'm not in the mood, I start thinking about when I was almost raped. I can't help it, it just pops into my head. It completely turns me off, and I start to feel scared and nervous and helpless again. The last thing I want to do is have sex. Please don't do it anymore. It's going to ruin things between us."
You've told him in ways anyone would understand exactly how he's making you feel and exactly what will happen if he doesn't stop. That is all you need to do. The next time he pushes, remind him how it's making you feel, and if he truly loves you, whether he knows it or not, that alone will turn HIM off and he'll stop. If he doesn't, then, you know what you need to do.
Then what will happen (and I truly hope it doesn't work out this way) - but what will happen then is that he truly, truly will NOT understand why you're breaking it off. He won't understand because he wasn't thinking of YOUR feelings, and he wasn't even truly, deep down, aware that he was *supposed* to think of your feelings. It's very difficult to explain without a book - but basically, it goes down to the fact that guys just feel - then react. They don't analyze what they're feeling. They stick a name on it that seems to fit and that's about it.
So it's not an easy situation your left with. Hopefully, once you make your actual, physical reactions known to him in terms he will understand, he will back off. If not, though, it will be difficult - but the main thing to remember here if that happens is that he will go from telling the truth to exagerrating the truth to flat out making up the truth to keep you from breaking it off. In the end he will probably say whatever he thinks you want to hear. The hardest thing for you will be listening to everything you want to hear and *still* remembering that you have to break it off.
Sorry this was so long! I just re-read it and, my goodness!! - I type much faster than I realized! I truly hope the best for you, and I hope that I'm wrong about him. Remember that you know him in ways I couldn't possibly know him, and there are exceptions to every rule - but try not to let that blind you into seeing what you want to see. I think that's the most damaging thing women do to themselves, and it happens every day, over and over and over again. Try not to let that happen.
Again, good luck - I hope that I have helped a little! I'm terribly sorry you had to live through the ordeal when you were almost raped - but I'm glad to see you still with us nevertheless. :)
Feel free to keep in touch and let me know what happens!! Take care!
Okay, I'm 17/f and last night I had a dream. Im not too sure what the meaning behind it is, but it started out with my mom, my nana, and me. we was standing outside, and a bunch of little gnats came and swarm around a certain particular place in my dream, and where ever they would land, that area would set on fire. A bunch of poeple died in the fires, but for some reason- none of the people i was around did. My boyfriend was in the dream, along with a close friend of mine, and an ex of mine. Its like we all stuck together. We ended up in a room with a bunch of people, and I remember asking my mom if she noticed that majority of the people in the room with us were chrisitians. I remember in my dream I was talking to a man who was a really big christian, and I told him I was scared that I wasn't going to Heaven because of certain reasons. I told him I believe in god 100% and I pray to him sometimes, and I talk to him too, but different people have different beliefs on what you need to be accepted into Heaven.
*A couple of weeks ago, my bestfriend Erica told me her mom saw on the news that God was going to come to Earth to take all the Christians on a Thursday*
I remember in my dream, I followed Chris (the ex) in the bathroom, and I told him what Erica told me, and I told him "Look at my phone, today is Thursday!" and he said wow, your right, and look at the date its "11.11.11"
But, I guess what IM trying to say, is why am I having these dreams?
Am I going to hell? I mean, some people say as long as you believe in the lord, you'll get accepted into his home, but some say if you have never been baptised than you will be rejected.
I've never be baptised, I have been saved though. I smoke ciggarettes, Ive had sex before marriage, but Im not a complete slut, I curse. I use to steal. But when I use to feel really bad, I use to pray to god to tell him to forgive me for my sinss. But idk?
My goodness I am so SO sorry I didn't answer sooner! I'm sorry to say my mother passed away a couple of weeks ago, and it's been a very rough time. Still, I feel horrible - for I truly want to always be here if anyone needs someone and no one else is there. I just pray I have not let you down. I hope you will forgive me.
To me, baptism is a promise, made to God, that you will do your best in this life to do whatever He wants you to. For some, that might mean preaching His word to others, or trying to save lives, or working with children. To others, it simply means living your life the way He wants you to. It may mean something different for every one of us. God didn't name us in the Bible (or anywhere else), telling us what He wanted each and every one of us to do specifically. We have to go with what we feel and what our conscious tells us.
You can make that promise without being baptised. God will know. If you never make that promise, but remain confused and unsure - God will still know what's in your heart. God will judge us by what we do. He gave us His rules - the Ten Commandments. While he knows we are not perfect and will break them, he knows what's in our heart, and if we're deserving of forgiveness he will give it. God simply wants us to love each other, and He does *not* want us to hurt each other.
If you always look at your behavior and ask yourself: "Am I hurting anyone?" If you think of all the ways that it may hurt someone - even yourself - and if no one will be hurt, than I don't believe God would think of it as a sin. Of course we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, and we do things we regret - in the end, the most important thing is what we hold in our heart.
No, I don't believe you will go to hell. You've described nothing very bad, and only in certain circumstances would the things you describe hurt anyone - of course, stealing is wrong, but you've stopped - if you stay stopped, you should be fine. :)
So again, my thought is - No, you do not need to worry about going to hell.
The dream you described is pretty interesting. There's some serious symbolism threaded into it - my initial thought is that there's some kind of painful or difficult change or move or choice you have to make, and it scares you and makes you feel guilty at the same time, because of something you've done that makes this choice or change or move especially difficult for you, and maybe impossibe for someone else - the one you feel guilty about.
It seems that whatever this change/choice/move you are waiting for is - it's either something you have to do yourself or something you're waiting for, but somehow you have a say in when it happens. There's someone that is not changing/moving/making the choice along with you, but they were supposed to. The reason they're not or can't is based on something you've done in the past, and that's why you feel guilty. The change/choice/move scares you, because you're leaving something behind - maybe the same person that can't do it, or maybe someone or something different. It's also something you've always known you would do, or something that was always expected of you, or something that everyone has to do - but it's something that you feel must be done and you can't get away from doing it eventually. And it makes you feel lonely or afraid about things. Your family may not be involved at all; I don't think they are, really. It seems like they were more symbolic somehow.
I cannot really do a lot with what you've told me on the dream - and keep in mind, it may just be that you were curious and felt strange while thinking of the second coming. :) Dreams are so changeable that it's very difficult to tell.
If there's more you can remember, I'd be happy to look again, if you send me whatever details you can think of!
Either way - I don't think you're going to hell from what you've said. :) I think you may be worrying yourself about it all when the thing you should do is try to live! You're young and the future is ahead of you - don't feel like you have to rush to experience everything. You have time. Even if God comes next year - He will take us to a place where you won't ever look back to your life on Earth and feel like you missed something - it just won't happen. Things that happened on Earth will be forgotton or will lose a lot of their meaning, so you absolutely won't miss a thing. :)
Good luck to you - I hope I've helped in some small way. Again, feel free to send a little more info on your dream, and I'll share my thoughts!! :):)
Well its me again about Thomas. I turned 18 on the 20th, and I was going to go clubbing and get a hotel room, drink alittle, and celebrate with Thomas, my bestfriend Erica, and whoever she decided to bring. Well, the day of my birthday, Thomas cancelled because he has a "new" job. Which has nothing to do with my birthday plans because he promised me he'd go, and we wasn't leaving ti'll 9 that night. So I went off on him& told him he ruined my birthday, and he said he didn't care. His job was more important. It was finally my 18th birthday, and his promise wasn't kept. I made more plans because I already cried on my birthday for three hours because of him; The new plans were to get a hotel room, and just have fun with erica, her guy, and riley.
Riley- He's a guy that I use to talk to last year, and we had an amazing connection. He was the first guy I actually kissed and felt a spark with. We didn't work out because he got with his ex, that left him before we started to talk. Which i understood cause they was together for a year, and I wanted him to be happy. Now him and his ex are broken up for good, and he said his feelings for me hasn't changed. Everytime I use to kiss him, he'd smile like crazy and blush. I dont know about you, but Im a believer in the horoscopes, astrology things. Im a scorpio, Thomas is a Gemini, and Riley is a Cancer. (if you don't know what that means, you could look it up.) Cancer is a Scorpio HIGHEST match, and whatnot. Well Riley came into the picture two weeks before my birthday; I told him straight up about Thomas, and the situation if he askes me back out, and he said that was fine, because things could change, and whatever. Those two weeks that I spent with Riley, made me realize how happy he truely made me. I fell hard for him the last time we talked, and I could see that it was happening again. He is so easy to talk to, and everytime he looked at me, or touched me, my heart went crazy! Well, Riley went to the hotel with me.
At 8 that night, Thomas texted me, and asked where I was at, and I told him at home, and he said well if you wanna fuckin hang, than meet me at the carwash. And I said nope. I have plans. And he called me, and I put him on speaker, cause my mom wanted to hear, and he was being a dick, calling me mean names. And Riley and Erica was listening too. Riley got pissed. He hates how guys disrespect me. I told him his words, promises, and actions don't mean anything to me anymore because they have no meaning behind them, and thomas said, "well thats cause their towards you; you should know when it comes to you i dont mean anything i say" I told him to lose my number, and just leave me alone because I am done for good.
5 minutes later. He textes me. Told me to stop being a bitch. i told him to leave me alone and lose my number, and he asked what my new plans were, and i told him not to worry about it, and he asked who all was with me, and i said not to worry about it, than he said make sure i have condoms, and i said IM not the whore, you are.
and that was it.
That night I saw a whole new light to Thomas. I realized I didn't deserve to be with someone who didn't deserve me. Riley asked me out on my birthday, and I gladly said yes. A couple of days later, Thomas called me again, and I was asleep. My 6 year old brother answered it and woke me up. Thomas was like " Im in greenbrier if you wanna hang" and I said i dont want nothing to do wtih you, leave me alone. and I hung up.
He called back 4 times, and my mom made me answer, and put him onspeaker. He told me to stop being a bitch once again, and I went off. I told him exactly how I felt, and how much anger he had built up in me because of all the lies, tears, and pain he has put me through. Than i told him to lose my number, and wen i said bye he was like kaci dont...
than i left for work. he called me 42 more times, and I didnt answer any of them. I recieved a text that said
"This is my last time trying to hang with you, if you wanna hang I need to know, or ill make plans with someone else"-No text back.
"I'll just come to your work than"- Ha, I dare you!
Well, soon enough. He showed up at my work. There was cute guys there that I knew, and I made sure thomas saw the way I interacted with them; he said "so your not guna to talk to me" and i just ignored him. I had to take the trash out, adn i was wlakin back in, and thomas goes "KACI!!!!" i ignored him, he yanked me by my arm and said i know i didnt drive all the way down here for you to fuckin ignore me, and i yanked my arm away, told him i hated him, and went back in.
Two days later, he called me at 3:00pm--thats what time i get out of school; but i was sick so I didnt go. He called me and told me he had to talk to me, and i said about..? and he goes my job. i told him that had nothing to do with me, and he said im moving to louisianna, and i wanna see you one last time, and i told him i wished him the best of luck, but i want NOTHING to do with him.He said fuck you bitch.
than texted me, and said sorry.
today he texted me; asked what i was doing, i said at the carwash, he said cool, i said k
that was it.
There is defanitely no way in hell im ever taking him back. Ive got my closure because he will never change..what do you tihnk?
its like after i pushed him away, and told him i was done, he began to chase me (calling me repeatedly, showing up at work, trying to hang)..ect
*SORRY SOO LONG!
Wow, what a changeling. Men can be so dense!! You did the right thing, just hang in there and stand by your choice. Don't let him sweet talk you. You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen, an angel - he is the worst possible person for you to give in to right now: He's a liar.
I can make every excuse for him if I wanted. If I wanted to find a way to make it all go away I could - and so could you. That's a trap, though, don't do it. Stick to your guns and he will eventually move on to someone else. If he really cared for you, he would not have left you hanging the way he did. You're right - the moment you let go of him and he knew it, he suddenly just *had* to have you back. But don't be fooled - it's not YOU he wants - you hurt his pride, his ego, and he feels like he MUST have you back where you belong (in HIS eyes, that means hanging on to him while he goes and does whatever he wants) - don't fall for it!
I can almost guarantee what he will do now. He will pull out ALL the stops. He will tell you everything you want to hear, talk about how you and he are soul mates, meant for each other, how he always loved you, and he was just afraid. He will go on and on every chance he gets. He will say EVERYTHING that you want to hear. He will say EXACTLY what you want to hear - because he knows those things about you. All of these years he's been taking note of all the little things that can touch your heart, and now he will try to use them. He won't give up until he gets distracted or until he has you again. Once that happens - it will start all over again, but this time, you'll be expecting it - even if it is subconsciously - you'll begin to believe that you *understand* him, know him like no one else does - that no one else understands him or loves him like YOU do, and that deep down, you'll believe he really loves YOU, and not anyone else, and you'll keep believing it no matter what he says. It's a horrible trap.
Don't go there. Maybe your souls are connected, and maybe all of that is true. But take it from a woman who's BEEN there a few times: Soul mates DO exist, and each person in this world has many. Not one, but MANY. There is someone out there for you - someone you will recognize soon after meeting him, someone that fits you so perfectly that it's just magical. Someone who is honest, and caring, and trustworthy - who you can depend on. Don't settle for someone you can't trust. Don't believe a word of love or passion if it's said by someone you *know* to be a liar.
Hang in there, stick to your guns, he will move on and you'll be happier. It may be hard, but you can do it.
I'm really glad you wrote, I was actually wondering what had happened after your birthday. No matter what you decide - and in the end it wil have to be YOUR decision - remember that there's at least one person out in the world who cares what happens. I'll always respect your decisions, and will always give you my honest impressions - that I can promise. *smile* I wish you the best and truly hope to hear from you again. Good luck!
Yes I am, after you gave me your advice, it made me think about alot. It made me realize that I DESERVE to be with someone who is going to love me unconditionally, like I would him. I know Thomas loves me, its just I guess right now, things are a little difficult.
Yes, there is a lot going on in his life. He lost his job, he's losing his apartment, and he might lose his truck, if he cant find another job to help pay for it. He has a really big heart, and he's always had a concious of not wanting to hurt people. I can tell that he is making himself miserable by staying with her, just because he feels bad. I told him the longer he keeps her around for all the wrong reasons, the more hurt she is going to be in the end. He is just having a hard time actually breaking up with her. He said he isn't in love with her, and she's in love with him. He said that she only stays with him at night, and in the morning, they get up and go their seperate ways. I believe him. His eyes are so easy to read. Your mouth may lie, but your eyes never will. Thats why I wanted to speak with him in person. He promised me before he left that he would talk to me the next day, and he did! He kept his promise. He actually kept conversation for the most part.
No matter what happens between me and him, I know I will always care about him alittle more than any other guy. He's my first real love, and he's someone I would never claim I wasted time, or energy on. He's worth it 100%, As much as I want him to be mine forever, I know that it might not go that way, and I'm okay with that. He may turn out to be someone I don't deserve, and if thats the case, than I have to respect myself, and find someone who will be more deserving towards me.
I will really keep in touch with you. YOu have helped me get through so much. While he was here, I told him I wanted to read the things some people said about our situation, and he did. He said their right. We are a real love story, and it'll only grow from here.
So I guess in 3 weeks, I'll see how everything goes. If things don't go as plan, than I will pick myself up, and move on the best way I can.
Thank you so much for your time and effort. It truely is appreciated! God Bless You!!
Thank you, I can't tell you how glad and happy I am that I could help in any little way. :)
I'm going through some difficult times myself right at this point - and sometimes it helps to give BACK to someone, to focus on helping other people, to get through the hard times. It makes you feel appreciated and useful. :) I'm happy to help if I can, however I can.
I wish you the best, and I do know what you mean about loving him so very much. Its a little part of what I'm going through now. I feel like I'm sinning to even say such a thing - I love my husband with everything in me, and I couldn't ever possibly imagine life without him. He's my best friend and I really think he's my soul mate!
Still; the man I loved before; we saw each other for twelve years and it ended due to such completely complicated circumstances that wasn't my fault or his fault... it actually would be easier if I could be mad at him... a part of me will love him always. I can't even really think about never seeing or being with him again; it hurts too much; and it's been 5 years. Though I know that I won't ever be with him again; I can't. And I can't see him because I couldn't see him without wanting to be with him.
So love is complicated, and it's illogical, and it's painful sometimes. But life wouldn't be much of anything without it. *smile* I'm very happy with my husband.
Thank YOU for writing and trusting me to help, and I'll be here if you need to talk more - and when you see how things are going to go, too! God Bless you, too. *smile*
What is a cute nickname for my boyfriend? His name is brody. PLEASE help!:)
How about Bo? A play on words- long ago boyfriends were called "beaux"'s - pronounced "Bo" - so you can call him Bo, and tell him it's because he's your "beaux".
Hmm.. that is, if he knows what a beaux is...
I still like Bo, though.
Okay, so yesterday I texted Thomas, and I told him I had alot to talk to him about, and I needed answers, and he said about what, and I told him about us, because if he doesnt love me like I love him than I need to move on.
and he goes ok. and I am I wrong? Do you really care about me, or should I move on. And he goes, no your not wrong, go ahead and move on. And I said really? and he said kc im just under alot of stress okay, so I told him to come to my house tomorrow, which is today, because I know whens he is lying or not.
He came over. He just left. We talked about alot. He told me he thinks about me alot more than I think. He said when he's laying with his girlfriend, it doesn't feel right because he wishes it was me. He said he is only with her because he feels bad and doesn't want to hurt her, because she has no where to live. If he breaks up with her, she'll live on the street, because her mom kicked her out. He has to move back home anways, becaues he lost his job, and he can't afford his rent, so therefore, she's going to have to leave and live somewhere else. He said he's going to break up with her, as soon as he finds away. He said he cares about me alot, and he's more than in love with me. He said for me to just wait out these next couple of weeks, and on my 18th birthday we will go clubbing, and maybe I'll get a surprise. He says he wants to be with me so bad, than it kills him to know that he can't. Thats why he has a girlfriend, to try to get his mind off of my while he's waiting for my birthday. He promised his parents he wouldn't date an underage girl again because Jenna called the cops on him and since he's living back with ihs parents, he has to follow their rules or he wont have anywhere to live. So i understand.
So I guess the only thing I can do is wait till my birthdayy.
It sounds like you're getting things more clear and organized - I just get that impression; maybe I'm wrong, but I hope that you are - yes, all you can do now is wait.
It seems that there's really a lot going on in his life, and maybe, hopefully, that's all it is. I have heard all sorts of lines from guys, and so without being there, seeing and hearing him for myself, I can't really give an opionion on if he's lying or not - but I hope that I've helped you some; I hope that no matter what happens with him - you'll remember that you are worth someone who would go to the ends of the earth to keep you, and I hope you will try to remember that golden rule that I always try to live be...
Meaning - if you can't *do* anything - try not to worry. If you *can* do something, then do something - and by doing something, it will help you to not feel so helpless. Also - that you'll never be able to control someone else's thoughts or feelings or actions - but, no matter how hard it may seem, you will *always* be able to control yours.
Good luck - I hope things work out well for you! Keep me posted if you' like - I'd be honored to know how things turn out. And thank you for trusting me with your questions and your confidences. *smile*
So me and my bf are insane about eachother and we've been this way for a bit i guess... anyways, we always hook up behind the stage at our school and we make out only, because i myself have a purity necklace.. well i always wanted to get felt up idk why i just never saw it as bad because dr's touch boobs, i touch my own boobs, my friends joke around and grab my boobs, how would it be any different if my boyfriend did? anyways, as we were making out today he slid his hand up my shirt and under my bra, and he kept squeezing them. it felt amazing, but like, i feel soooo guilty. he's a senior in highschool and i am a sophomore. we get along great and he's like my best guy friend too not just a bf, so i can tell him anything, ya know? So, yeah i never thought i'd feel this guilty. Do you think getting felt up is a sin if it's the only limit i have until i'm married?? anyways.... one time when i was on the phone with him i told him if i was ready and we were dating for a long time, i'd do everything else EXCEPT sex... and now i really take back telling him that......... after being this guilty from just being felt i'd never want to do more-ever.. so yeahhhh, i think i'm gonna telll him. anyways, is being felt up against my purity necklace? i blessed it myself and when i put it on i made sure i promised that it'd only protect me from having SEX til i'm married. nothing else..... just sex..... i made sure with God that we were clear. if youw ere me, what would you do? is being felt up a sin? is everything but making out against my purity necklace? How am i supposed to feel? someone helpp me ): btw, i'm 15 years old, gonna be 16 this may. Easy five points
I think your purity necklace is *wonderful* and I commend you and admire you for making the pledge and for sticking to it!
No, it's not a sin. It's lust; and it's exploration.
You ask how you're supposed to feel - you are supposed to feel however you *do* feel. If you feel guilty, then I think probably, if you're really, really honest with yourself, you'll know that the reason you felt guilty is probably not that you let him do it, but because you liked it so much! It's amazing, isn't it? *smile*
There's a reason for that too, though, and the person who answered earlier is right, that when you start feeling that amazing feeling, you want MORE!! *smile* That wanting more is what might lead to sex. Imagine how good it felt for him to touch you there, and then multiply that by a THOUSAND, and that's how it's going to feel if you keep going and let him move his hands around to *other* certain areas of your body. That's when you completely forget the world - including your purity pledge... so be careful.
No, it's not a sin - but I would think really hard and be very honest with yourself about why you're feeling guilty - I think it's *probably* because you liked it so much, but only you really know.
I know you *want* to convince yourself, and you *want* someone to tell you, that it's ok to go as far as you want - as long as you don't have sex you'll be keeping your pledge. Well, that's true, technically. BUT - remember how good it felt, and think about why you felt guilty - and then think about, if you felt good in that way, but much MUCH MORE good, how easy it just might be to forget your pledge... then you would be breaking your pledge, and you would surely regret that.
If I were you I'd set very clear limits and stick to them very strictly. Explain to your boyfriend that you just don't know if you can trust yourself, and you thought it would be ok to mess around without having sex, but the temptation is just too much and you don't want to get carried away and end up breaking your pledge.
So in summary - No, if your pledge included only sex, being felt up doesn't go against it. No, it's not a sin. Only what you promised when you put your purity necklace on goes against the purity necklace. You are supposed to feel - the way you feel; it's completely normal.
And finally - if I were you, I would think very hard about *why* you felt guilty - be very honest with yourself about how far you might be able to go and still stay in control, then act accordingly.
Your body is going to WANT to break your pledge; you have to see that, admit it, and decide to control it. When you start letting him touch you, you are tempting your body, and your body starts wanting to go farther - it's normal, it's healthy, and its the way God made us. Still, God wants us to SAVE our bodies for sex in marraige. I don't know what you pledged exactly, but remember that your body and your mind are going to have two different ideas of what you want to do - and the more you give in to what your body tells you - the harder it gets to listen to what your mind tells you. *smile*
Good luck, stay strong, have fun, and above all - respect yourself.
Okay, thank you once again. I hope you can come up with something to tell me, because Im clueless, and Im numb. I can't feel anything inside. But I have a facebook, but I couldn't find youu.
So sorry it took so long to get back with you! I wanted to really think it out, because I don't want to be someone who is going to just tell you what you want to hear, because if things don't work out that way, it won't help you all. I know for a fact that emotions as a teenager are very overwhelming; I remember!! I think you should think about that - I mean, just the fact that your emotions *are* really powerful right now. Not that they aren't true - but they are more powerful than anyone is really equipped to handle. If I had to go through the emotions I went through as a teenager again, I think I'd just check myself into the nearest asylum and call it a day! :p *smile*
Seriously, though; what I mean by that, is try to back up some and see the whole situation in perspective. You're almost 18 - the average person lives, oh, fifty or sixty more years.
So you've only lived a small fraction of your life. There is SO much that will happen in your life a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, even TWENTY years from now - you'll be living and loving and hurting and fearing and laughing and crying and everything. I know it's *really* hard to see it that way; but it's the absolute truth. So try not to let the situation completely rule your life. The bottom line of the situation is that you and I just don't know what is going on in his head - and on top of that, there's nothing we can do about it.
Ok, so you have been the one to keep the two of you in touch all this time, and you feel sure that if you were to stop - you wouldn't see him anymore. Here is what I *honestly* believe in that case, about the situation - if that is true, then he isn't worth it. If he wants you in his life, then he needs to make some kind of effort. If he doesn't make that effort ON HIS OWN, then he's not worth it.
You have to also ask yourself this: How do you know that he wouldn't make the effort? You said that you two went a year without talking because you tried; well, you were still underage then - as you are now. I believe you should do everything you can to put the ball in his hands and leave it there. Wait a few weeks if you need to; but don't stop your life to wait on him.
It really sounds to me like you are losing your perspective on the situation, and you have to fight to keep it. You are worth him making an effort - he claims to have these feelings for you; make him show them. If he doesn't, and you end up initiating all the contact and making all the effort yourself, your setting yourself up to get hurt SO much worse later on.
Think for a minute - what if: What if you waited till you were 18, then you called him and demanded that he keep his promise or tell you right away that it wasn't going to happen. Then what if he *did* keep his promise. You would always wonder why he did it. Years down the road, if something suspicious came up, the first thought in your mind might be that he was seeing someone else. You would never know how he really feels - and I know that you want him to love you the same way you love him - and I know (believe me, I know...) I know that you don't care why or how or if it's really what he wants; you just love him so much that nothing else matters. Nothing. I know; I loved a man that way once. I thank God every day, now, that I was able to move on and find the man I'm married to now- because, *he didn't love me back*. It hurts even now; and it's been several years; but he didn't.. And I would never have been truly happy if he had kept me around and we had stayed together, because he loved me, sure, but not like I loved him. And that kind of lop-sided love doesn't work - it just HURTS.... :(
Now, let's just look at the other side of the picture for a minute too - because as much as I'd like to be, I can't tell the future, and can't tell from the pieces I have what the truth really is - maybe he truly means everything he says; otherwise, why wouldn't he tell you? If you were just to let go and believe him - and if you get hurt, so be it; you're going to be hurt if he's lying, so what's the harm in believing him? So just let yourself believe what he says, for now, and wait until its time for him to either make good on his promise or not. Try not to torture yourself worrying whether he's being honest or not - there's nothing you can do, and if he *is* being honest, then you're worrying for nothing; while if he's *not* being honest, well, you'll have plenty to worry about when it comes out in the open. He might just be staying away because he's confused about his feelings, and he's afraid of how he feels, and maybe he's just not sure he wants to settle down into something as serious as it would have to be with you just yet.
So you'll have a lot of decisions to make when that all comes out. But in the meantime - it's no use to use up all your energy agonizing over it. You have to just tell yourself over and over again that you'll find out when you find out - and live your life until you do. Try very, very hard not to live your life for him right now. I know it sounds impossible - but it's not, and you'll look back and feel proud and independent and self assured if you can manage to do it.
Gosh, I know I'm throwing a lot at you and some of it will be hard to swallow, and I'm so so sorry. :( I know how hard it is and it's just such a huge pain that emotions have to be so complicated and overwhelming. It won't always be so impossible - it does get better. I would suggest you try to distract yourself from things, find hobbies and make some plans - some YOU plans, for you, on your own, to carry out. Think about the way YOU are going to live your life - no matter whether he's in it or not. Focus on other things; or try to - as best as you can.
Because when it all comes down to it, you don't know how he feels, and you can't make him feel something he doesn't, and if you REALLY think about it, you wouldn't want to anyway. You want him to love you - but you don't want to FORCE him to love you; you want him to love you all on his own. If he doesn't, then its not worth it, and it will only hurt you more later.
Also, think really hard about how many years you have ahead of you - you've only lived a fraction of your life so far, there is SO MUCH ahead of you - so many years - and those years will happen whether he's in them or not, and you will have good times and you will love - whether it's with him or not.
A very very good rule to live by, is when you're disturbed about something, the first thing you do is ask yourself: Can I *DO* anything about it?
If the answer is NO, then push it out of your head; you're wasting your energy worrying about it.
If the answer is YES, then think about what you can do, and focus on doing it.
And something to always remember, also - you can NEVER control what someone else thinks or feels or does - but you are ALWAYS in control of how you react to it.
In other words; you can't make him love you - and you can't make him NOT love you. You can't make him text you, or call you, or keep his promises. NONE of those things are in your control.
On the other hand, you CAN control how you react; to whatever he does - or doesn't do. Don't believe that you "can't" control something about yourself - you make decisions, a million decisions, every moment; and you can control what you're going to do, think, and sometimes even feel. If you don't like the way you're feeling, or if you want to feel different - do something about it - look at it in a different way, or push the thoughts out of your head - practice doing it - until it becomes automatic. It gets easier.
Once you accomplish that - if he loves you, and meant the promises he made to you; he *will* come around, and then you will be able to have a relationship with him *KNOWING* that he came to you all on his own, without you pushing him into anything at all. If he doesn't - then yes, it will hurt; but you will be ready to deal with it; you'll be equipped to move on, and to realize that it's better off NOT getting into a relationship with him, because if you would have, you surely would have been hurt even more later down the road.
Oh, I wish I could tell you something more positive, I wish I could just tell you exactly what you want to hear and *know* that it is true - but life isn't that easy. *smile* Life is really complicated. This situation is complicated - and I'm just so afraid you'll be hurt - and even more, I do NOT want to see you sell yourself short - if he loves you, if he meant all the things he said - then he needs to SHOW you that he did; all on his own. Otherwise - I'll say it one more time, because I simply can't stress it enough - otherwise, he simply isn't worth it.
Again, write whenever you like, and feel free to let me know how things go. Find something to focus on until the magic birthday comes, and then whatever happens, keep hanging in there - move forward - with or without him. YOU are worth it, and you CAN do it!
Thank you again for all your time and effort going towards this. You are such an amazing person, inside and out! Everything your doing for me, is amazing. God Bless You!
I know our situation is very unique, thats why I can't just let go. Thats the way I see it too. If something real wasn't there, than both of us would have already moved on atleast 95%. He's still in my life for a reason, and theres something behind it of why. For this situation, along with many others I always prepare myself for the worst but hope for the best. Life dones't always go the way Id like it too. Ya know, he's the one guy I've never minded hurting me. Its like no matter how much he hurts me, I know its accidently and not purposively. When he looks at me, I can tell that he loves me, and he doesn't mean to hurt me. It actually hurts him, to know that he hurts me. I will never consider him as something I wasted my time on, or regret going through pain for. When I look into his eyes, all I see is that he is WORTH it. I can't sit here and regret or say I wasted my time on something I once wanted. Every relationship I get in, teaches me something about myself, or helps me become a better person, girlfrined, or even past for the future. Thats why I have no regrets nor wasted time for any of them, because they each have helped me regardless if they realize it or not.
As of the whole Jenna thing, I was alittle worried too. But I found out recently that his parents were against it as well. She threaten to get the law involved when they broke up, so now I have a whole new better understanding to the whole 18 thing.
Ya know, I've thought about him just stringing me along, but it just doesn't seem as likely to be true because of the fact thats it been 4 years. It would totally be under more investigation if he did it the first couple of months of us being broken up, but its been 4 years, and I just think he'd give up by now, and have someone else to string along, if real feelings wasn't involved. But Im still going to have it in the back of my mind. I actually talk to him a little today, and :
*On Monday, he told me he got laid off from work, and that he lost his job*
So today I texted him, and I told him that if he's stringing me along just to have someone there, like a back up plan, he needs to let me know because I dont deserve to get treated like this, and I need to just move on the best way I can, but if he really does love me than he has to prove it, and not just say it. Than I told him he can't stay messing with my mind or my emotions, and I need to know whats going through his head, cause he's only giving me bits a pieces. Once again he was real short, and he said he wants to be with me, just not right now, and I said, how come not right now? Is it my age? Or do you have another girlfriend? He said BOTH. I told him, wow thomas, really?? I said basically, your wasting her time, and yours, because if you plan on keeping your promise like you swear up and down that your going to, than you shouldnt even have a girlfriend, considering the fact that ima be 18 in less than 3 weeks! He said how, and I said because its 3 weeks, thats wasting her time if you plan on breakin up with her for me when im 18. and he said ok. I told him ive been waiting for him for 4 years, and he cant just wait for me for 3 weeks? I told it that PROVES alot! He said, "Im at work" So I said, "I thought you lost your job thomas? Or was that a lie to like everything else?" and he never texted back. Monday, when he came over, he just broke up with a girl two days before Monday, and yet, he has a girlfriend again?? It just doesnt make no freakin sense to me!
When me and thomas was dating on 06', his mom made us break up because we had too much drama, with out maturity levels. Well, Thomas claimed up and down that he could never ever date me again, or he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore because I cussed his mom out when we first broke up. He called and asked her while he was over here Monday, and she said that I didnt cuss her out, I just yelled at her. Which is because she took him away for me. I wasn't yelling at her out of anger, it was just because she was taking the only tihng I loved more than myself away from me, and I was begging for her not to do that. After I explain it to Thomas, he understood. But Im afraid that if me and him get back together, his mom won't approve, or she wont like me as much as she did when we was together. He says that shes over it, because she's been asking about me alot, but I dont know? I have changed alot since then, but Im afraid Thomas doesn't believe me. I am almost 18, I have matured alot since I was 14. :/
And ya know, your right. He could be more fair about the situation. Its like when he doesn't talk to me, he pushes me away, but he doesn't care. As of me not textin him anymore and letting him text me, thats impossible. Because I went a WHOLE YEAR without talking to him or texting him, and he didn't bother takling to me. I had to text him first. I know that if I never texted him again, I would never ever hear from him anymore. PERIOD. Thats why I can't do it, because I know exactly what would happenn. I know everything is up to him, but im afraid. He doesn't really know what to do with it. What if it becomes oveerwhelming to him, and he just drops it out of his hands? Than Ima feel like I didn't do anything to help him realize it. I love helping people as much as I love Thomas, and I want him to see what he has, because right now it just seems like he is dazed and confusedd!.
Wow, what a situation! I'm going to have to think about this some; but I wanted to write and let you know that I'm not ignoring you. *smile*
I don't know if you have a facebook profile, but I've set up a page you might want to check out - its pretty new, and I've only actually shared it with some close friends of mine - so there's not a lot out there yet - but you can read more about me, and there are a few posts you might find interesting. Maybe you can watch it grow and maybe even help give me some ideas on what kind of things to post.. *smile* It's at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Simple-Solutions-for-Life/155936521101427
In any case - let me think about this for a bit; it's pretty complicated, isn't it? *smile* I'm really glad to hear that you have the right attitude about it all, though - about knowing that loving someone is never wasted.
Will write more soon, take care and hang in there!
You are the greatest! Your advice is absolutely amazing. Really!! Im from Tennessee, by the way.
Lets start with my first time and him crying; Im not too sure of why he would cry, but I remember him saying it was amazing, and he said it wasn't just sex, that he finally made love to someone. At the time of me being 15, I didn't really know what that meant, until after we broke up. I wouldn't even neccessarly call it sex because it hurt to bad, and I wouldn't let him stick it in all the way.
Yeah, I know something is there. He has the certain look he gives me, and even when he's mad and looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. He looks at me like im everything, and when he's mad at me, he just shakes his head and smiles. Then he has this smell too him. Like, I remember when we broke up, I thought it was his laundry detergent of why he smelled that way, but my mom tried every kind, and nothing smelled like him. I loved the way he smelled. The sound of his heart beat just put me to ease. I remember when we was together, he asked me "Kaci, do you know how much I love you?" and I said, "How much?" and he goes "Put your index finger and your thumb together, and thats how much." and of course I got a little upset, because when you do that, theres no space between them, so I figured it wasn't at all, and he goes, "I love you that much, because nothing or no one will come between us." I remember it like it was yesterday. He told me that Monday too. And it made me smile like crazy.
As of the whole age thing, you know at first I understood completely, but his last ex was 17 too. And they was together for 3 months. If he can date her, how come he can't date me? He said after Jenna (the other 17 yr old) he promised himself that he would never date an underage girl again. He knows I wouldn't call the cops on him, and he knows my parents wouldn't either. He couldn't get in trouble for dating me UNLESS my parents had a problem with it. Thats how it is in TN. My parents love him very much, but its like he uses it as an excuse to not date me. Than again he says his mom has a problem with the age thing, so its best to wait till im 18, so no one can complain about it. I understand.
Im just afraid that when Im 18, things won't change between us. Im afraid he's not going to talk to me for months at a time, or I won't be able to see him as much. Im afraid he's going to come up with another excuse since my age won't be a factor anymore. Theres not a way to prove if he will do this or not, until im 18. But Im just knowing that the longer I keep my hopes up, the sooner they are going to be brought down.
As of him sleeping around, I told him I'm not having sex with him for awhile. I want to make sure that he won't cheat, and that sex isn't the only thing on his mind. I want a relationship where love is the priority and not sex. Ya know? He said that he respects my decision, and he understands. He said he's going to be with me for the sex, and I blieve him. And its not problem that its long. The longer the better. You are absolutely a great person! Your advice and you taking time out of your day to help me is greatly appreciated!! (:
Btw. Today is Thursday, and I texted him to see if he was okay, and no text. I haven't spoke to him since Monday. A simple "Yeah" would make me feel so much better, but I know he's ignoring me. I just don't get it.
Thank you for your kind words; if I can be there and help just one person in this world, then every moment I spend trying is worth it. Your thanks are the most precious reward I could ask for. *hugs*
Your situation is so unique, I find it sweet and unusual and fascinating; this has been going on for such a long time during the time in your life and his life where the only sure thing is change - the two of you have changed more in the last 5 years than you will in the next 20 years - and yet you've stuck together, at least somewhat together. It just has to mean something, the way I see it.
However, the best way to approach anything in life is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. If you give your heart and your love and your trust to someone, you're always risking being hurt - that's what makes it so special and intimate. Nothing can ever take that risk away. I'm married to THE man of my dreams - and I know absolutely that he won't break my heart. Still, he's ten years older than me (I'm 37, he's 47) - I will probably outlive him. So I'm going to end up with a broken heart anyway. I know that. But it will be worth it. And love like you feel for him is worth even the pain you would go through if you lose him. It won't feel like it at the time - because pain is amplified at your age the same way love is - but when you're older, looking back, you'll know that it was worth it.
So what you have to do is keep in mind that if things end up going downhill after you turn 18 - don't ever think you "wasted" the time you spent loving him, or regret loving him - because loving someone is the most precious thing in life, and is never worthless or a waste.
This thing with Jenna - I have to say - worries me some. I'm trying to imagine what could be the reason - why he would think it's ok to date *her*, but not you. The *only* ideas I have are:
1) He made some kind of agreement with his parents back when you were dating the first time, that he would wait for you to turn 18 - and that if he still wanted to date you then, they wouldn't object; or
2) He has some kind of personal reason, hopefully a romantic one, for not wanting to date you yet - because you are too important to him and he doesn't want to hurt you, or something; he wants to make sure he's got all of his "running around" done before he makes a commmitment to you - but he knows he wants the commitment to be with you; perhaps he's just afraid; or
3) The worst possibility. And I am SO sorry to have to bring this up, because I imagine it's your worst fear... but I have to, or I wouldn't be helping at all. I've seen guys do this and I've had guys do this to ME, and it *hurts* so bad; it's possible that he's just stringing you along so that he will always have you there in case he wants female companionship and no one else is around.
I can't tell you how much I don't like to say this; I know it's *not* what you want to hear. But I know that if I'm going to really help, I've got to be honest. And you will have to be very very honest with yourself about this; if he *is* doing this - just keeping you around so you'll be there in case he has nothing better to do - you're going to have to cut him off. He will hurt you so so bad; and it will hurt so much worse later on than it will now to just end it. So please, if it begins to look like this is what's happening - tell him what you think, see what he says, be honest with yourself, and do NOT let him do that to you. *hugs* You deserve better.
Okay. That's said and out in the open now - and I'm so so sorry I had to say it. I don't think that's what's going on, but I *might* be wrong. There are guys out there - LOTS of them - that will do that to a girl, but not many will do it over a 3-4 year timeframe. That's the biggest thing that makes me think he's genuine - a guy at that age just won't stick around that long, waiting for a girl, if she's not sleeping with him. I know you had sex when you were dating, but have you had sex with him since? If so, then I'd worry... if not, I really have to say that I believe he's genuine. Time is the most telling test for true feelings.
Now the age issue *is* sounding like an excuse; but it may not be the excuse you think it is. #2 above is what I'm thinking is going on here, and if that's the case, when you turn 18 it won't change anything - because the change has to be within *him*. If his mom had a problem with the age difference with you - didn't she have the same problem with the age difference with Jenna?
Also, his ignoring your messages. I'm thinking he may be really scared by his feelings, and scared by the strength of your feelings, too.
Guys don't analyze their feelings like we do. They just feel, and react. Women - we think about our feelings, talk about them, try to figure them out - but guys, they just react. Usually they can't even explain what they're feeling. If what they feel is really strong, they don't know how to react, and so they try to avoid feeling that way. Even if its a good feeling - if it's too strong they get scared and they run away from it. The truth is they're scared because they may get hurt - but they don't realize that.
We can see that we love someone, which means we can get hurt, which is scary - but we *know* and *see* what we're afraid of and don't usually feel the need to avoid it. Guys have the same set of feelings, but they don't see what they are. They feel the love and react with fear, then run away. They don't see it all laid out like we do. They just avoid the whole situation because it's confusing and scary. And that adds another bit of confusion to the whole situation. He knows he's avoiding you and he doesn't know why. So that confuses him even more; to the point that when he's not with you he's worried that it isn't love.
At the same time guys know how we feel - because we tell them, and because they seem to be able to logically see our feelings while being completely blind to their own. So he can see you are completely in love with him, so much that when he showed up and you were dating someone else, you dropped the other guy flat.
That tells him you are counting on him to LOVE you, and that YOU are going to be hurt if he DOESN'T love you.
Then his subsconscious kicks in. If he avoids you, not only is that responsibility removed, but that powerful feeling that he thinks is love but is really scary is *also* removed. And so BAMM - he avoids you. And doesn't know why.
Now this could mean absolute tragedy if he doesn't grow up and really look at his feelings - and you might have to gently push him in that direction. I don't know the subletlies of your relationship, so don't know how you can do that, but you may have to. Because if he keeps doing it, you're going to come to the conclusion that he *is* just keeping you around as a "back-up plan", and then you're going to have to cut it off, and then a really good possibility would be lost for him, and for you.
But really - we can go round and round, and we can try to understand and we can really be very understanding, and I think we're being WAY more than fair here; he could at *least* answer your messages. The bottom line is that it's all in his hands now. All you can do, if he lets you, is try to help him figure out what it is that he feels and then try to get him to deal with it.
In the end, *he* is the only one who can actually do it; and you can't even do anything to help, unless you lets you. Then there's the chance he's just a jerk; in which case, you'll just have to accept the good times you've had so far and move on. Right now, it's all up to him.
I want to talk for just a moment about how you described how you feel; you mentioned his smell, how feeling his heartbeat made you feel at ease. You should know; this is something that happens lots when you care for someone; it's not unusual - at least, it's something *I* have felt.
I remember my first love. I was 14 when I started dating him and 17 when we broke up; he was 3 years older. He was a total jerk, but I did love him. One day we were just sitting together watching TV and I was trying to explain to him how much I loved him - I remember this like it was yesterday... We were cuddled together, kind of lying against each other, and I told him: "I can feel every part of your body that's touching mine, and it's like this energy is moving from you to me - your hand is on my side, and your back shoulder is against the front of my shoulder, my hand is touching your knee, your thigh is against mine, and my lips are touching your ear right now. Every point where you and I are touching feels like there's some kind of power moving from you to me." It was intoxicating; amazing. A very strong, sensual and intimate feeling.
I know you know what I mean. Love as a teenager is more intense than it ever will be again. Don't ever regret feeling it - no matter what happens in the next few years. The smell is really simple; everyone has a smell unique to them that no one else in the world has, and if you're intimate and close to someone often, you'll learn that smell. I can remember I knew that special smell for each of the four men I've loved, and even a few of my boyfriends that I neever actually loved. Just to share a little about me - two of those men I will love beyond life; the other two betrayed me and used me, and I have lost all the love I had for them - still I don't regret loving them. I'm here because I want to help others- but for you, I just think it may make you feel better to know that at least one person out in the world "gets" it. I understand what you feel. I've been there, and boy, is it powerful. *smile* So no matter what, you aren't alone; that magical feeling, that amazing feeling, and that wonderful warmness of knowing a man's smell and loving it - it's normal, it's all part of loving. *smile*
I'm honored to have been able to help. I hope I still can.
At this point, if I were you, I would start bracing myself for the worst - but I wouldn't give up. First I'd give him a chance to make good on his word. I'd be understanding and give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now - and I'd try to help him look at his feelings and figure out why he's so changeable. A lot is going to come out after your birthday, when all his promises come due. All you can really do right now is wait and see; if nothing changes, then you'll have plenty of time to deal with that when it happens.
Its a waste of energy to worry about something that you can't do anything about - so try not to. As far as the text's, I'd just stop texting him and wait for him to make the next move. You've given him more than enough chances to answer you and let you know what's going on. I know it's soooo scary, and it's hard, but try to just live your life as if you're not busy waiting on him - he will come around when he's ready.
Finally - try to look at it like this: if what you've had up to now with him is all you will ever have from him, you have *still* experienced something rare and wonderful that many women are not lucky enough to experience. I know that's not much comfort, but it *will* be. I think there's a lot more in store for the two of you, though - unfortunately, I think there will be pain for you - because he seems to REALLY be out of touch with his feelings; and waiting on him to figure things out is going to be very hard on you.
Take care, and keep in touch. *hugs*
Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it dearly. You gave the best advice, so I was wanting to get deeper into it, and see what you still think.
When me and him was dating, he had only had sex with 2 girls, and than he took my virginity. After we had sex, he cried. I was confused of why, and I still to this day am. He said it was the most amazing feeling he has ever felt between him and a female in that way. BUT. He has stuck around for 3 years, and so have I. We have both dated people after our break up; the only bad thing is, is he became a type of guy to sleep around alot. He'd go to clubs and have sex withs girls that he DIDNT even know their names. He had sex with every girlfriend after me, but he's been checked for STD's, and he's clean. I'm not really bothered by it, because Id rather him go out and do it now, than him be with me, leave me, to see what else is out there. During these past 3 years, he has this thing where he will randomly text me, or call me for a couple of days, and than he will go months without speaking to me (which i figured it was because he had a new girlfriend, or such) and then he'd come back into my life like nothing happened. He'd stop by, and than weeks later, I'd hear nothing from him for more months, its a repeated pattern. When I would text him, he'd be short with me, and wouldn't keep conversation, but when he's around me phsyically, I can't get the boy to shut up, haha.
Anyways. In August, I was dating this guy named Michael for three months, and Thomas(my ex) randomly stopped by,(he knew I had a boyfriend at the moment) thats when I sat in his truck, and we was remensing over our past, and he finally admitted to me that he was still in love with me, and he missed me, and loved how comfortable he was around me. He reminded me of the promises, and after he left. I began to have mixed emotions for Michael. I broke it off with him because I wasn't in love with him, and I haven't had love for any guy more than a friend anyways. Thats when I realized my heart fully belonged to Thomas. When I told him that I broke things off with Michael, and why;
he simply said that "Kaci Im 20 years old, and I don't even know what love is."
I said, "So everything you told me in your truck was a lie? You aren't in love with me?"
he goes "It wasn't a lie. When I can look at a girl and my heart can skip beats everytime I look at her like its the first time i've ever seen her than I know its love. And thats only happened once."
I said "well if you don't know what love is, than obviously you can't love me"
and that was the last I heard from him until
yesterday, Thomas stopped by again. First time I've seen him since August. I wasn't expecting him to come. I went outside and I saw his truck, my heart literally fell to my stomach. I got weak in the knees, and he called me and said he was on my front porch. I went around, and we sat down beside each other and we talked. He said he loves the feeling he gets with me when he's around me. He finally feels complete.
I said, "I don't see why you do this to me. You come in and out my life likes it nothing, and you just make it os much harder for me."
he said, "Kaci its not like Im trying to do that. Its your age. If I get caught I could go to jail. The more I talk to you, the harder it is to just know your not my girlfriend yet."
I said, "But you don't love me remember? You don;t know what love is remember?"
He said, "My god Kaci, I do fucking love you. When I said the whole thing about me looking at a girl and my heart skips beats everytime and it only happened once, I was talking about you."
I got quiet. He said that I only have a couple of more weeks left, and from there we will see what happens. We kissed, we hugged, we played around, like old times. We've always had a good time with each other. He acted like he was guna kiss me, than he'd lick my facee like he use to do. I felt so strong when I was with him; I have no worries, and everything inside just feels content and so comfortable. He told me he misses me, and that there is a 97% chance we will get back together, the 3% chance is if one of us dies because no day is promised. HE ALSO SAID THAT WHEN HE'S WITH ME HE'S SO HAPPY, BUT WHEN HE LEAVES MY HOUSE HE BEGINGS TO HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ON WHETHER WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER OR NOT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT IT TO BE LIKE BEFORE. I explain to him that its been years, and I have became more mature, and I have a better understanding of a lot of tihngs, and he has changed too. I told him if he still loves me to not ignore it. I told him we may not have been ready for the first chance, so we need to atleast try it one more time!! I told him that I know after he leaves my house, I won't speak to him for god knows how long, and I was only setting my self up for heartbreak all over again, and
he said, "kaci, i just dont want to get in trouble, you have less that 30 something days, if you can just wait it out than youll see that Im worthy of my promises."
He told me he would text me tomorrow, which is today; I texted him last night and this is our conversation.
Me-"Can I tell you something real quick?"
Me-"It felt perfect to be in your arms again. I feel complete."
Me-"So you feel the samee? Or are you having mixed thoughts again?"
Me-"I knew I was getting myself set up for heartbreak again."
Me-"Well, you shouldnt have mixed emotions with me Thomas. I'd go through hell and back for you. I know you love me by the way you look at me, the way you touch me, and the way you say my name. And you know I love you just as much"
I haven't heard from him since. I texted him tonight, but NO reply. :/
Heres the answers to your questions:
1. Are you true friends with him? Do you have things in common, and just simply enjoy each other's company?
-Me and Thomas was friends before we ever dated. We was only friends for a couple of weeks because he was dating my cousin for like 4 days and they broke up. We have a lot in common. We enjoy the same activities, we both have great communication with each other, well in person anyways. He enjoys my company, and I really enjoy his. He says he likes that Im younger, because I will never let him feel old. I bring out his kid spirit.
2. Do you get along? Think about the things about life you don't agree on - can you accept his beliefs and thoughts, even if they don't always match your own?
- We get along for the most part. We don't get along 24/7 but who does? He has really bad anger issues, but Im really patient. We even each other out pretty well. I feel for him for his flaws more than his good qualities. Im just not too sure on how he'd answer this.
3. Think about the things about him that you *don't* like. There's always something, that's what makes us human - can you *live* with the things you *don't* like about him?
-Oh yes. I know we have the potential to work out anything; if he is willing.
4. In the last several years, has he come around to hang out because he just wants to be around you? Or does he only come around if he isn't busy with other things (like going out with friends, or maybe even on dates, etc.)?
-You answer that.
5. Do *you* really and truly believe that you could be happy with him for always, and never wonder "what if", never feel the need to spread your wings and just play the field? (regardless of this answer, you should try it anyway - in the adult world; at least give your self time to see who is out there - more on this below...)
-Oh yes. I do really blieve I could be with this man forever. I see my future in his eyes, and I've dated around, but it just doesn't feel right.
As of marriage. Im in NO rush to get married. I told him I dont need a piece of paper to prove my love for him, and he agrees. If we are meant to be, than the marriage thing will happen on its on time, but he understand that I want to go to College and get my degree before I have kids. Being engaged would be okay while im in college, but I told him that I want to make sure I could handle college, a job, and a boyfriend all at once before he puts a ring on my finger.
Sorry its so long!
No worries at it being long! *smile* That's what I'm answering for, is to help if I can. *smile*
I believe he has feelings for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid of those feelings. I think when you had sex and he cried, it was because he was your first, and he felt very special, very lucky, very much in awe, that you would give the gift of your virginity to *him* - at the same time, I think he maybe felt like a jerk, like he had taken advantage of you. And, to top it all off, something special seems to have happened - now, it may be that it was so very special *only* because it was your first time. That's pretty intoxicating. So maybe he's not sure why it was special - was it because of you, or was it because it was your first time? Maybe he's *afraid* that it's only because it was your first time, and if that's the case, he could end up hurting you.
The point is, whatever it was - he probably doesn't even know why it was so special that he cried. And maybe he's afraid it won't be the same next time. Yes, I *do* believe he cares deeply for you, but I also think he's confused and afraid - he's afraid of his feelings, and he's afraid that he's wrong, and that makes him afraid he will hurt you.
And yet, with all of that - he's still around. Three years later, and though it's been off-again, on-again - he's still around. So yes - there is definately *something* there.
A little off the subject - but I can't help but wonder which state you're in that 17 is not legal - I've lived in 5 states, and 17 is legal in all of them... but that's beside the point. If 18 is the legal age in your state, then his fear of going to jail is *very* valid. He would be labeled a "sex offender" for the rest of his life. He would never be able to teach school, work around kids at all, coach a little league team - he'd probably have trouble getting a job at all. It would follow him around forever, and you wouldn't be able to say a word. The court can even order him not to see you again - ever! Staying apart until you're legal is *extremely* important, so don't think that it's an excuse he uses; it's serious business, and a whole lot of trouble if he gets arrested.
Now here he is, wanting to be with you, but all of these things are against it - his parents says its wrong, the law says its wrong, his friends may even give him a hard time about it - but still he wants to be with you. It could be that he feels like he *shouldn't* want you or he's not *supposed* to want you. But he does - and that probably confuses him even more.
I know all of that is pretty confusing. Read through it a few times if you need to; it makes sense. The point is, he's in a tough spot, and he is probably very, very confused.
So I think that when he says he loves you, then later says he doesn't know what love is - he's not lying, and he's not playing games, he's just saying it like it is - he knows he feels something really strong and intense about you (three years *proves* that is true) - and he thinks that it's love, but you two haven't had the chance to explore a relationship, and there are so many other things to worry about - so he's not *positive* it's love. It's hard to know what love is sometimes; I know I *thought* I was in love several times before I actually fell in love the first time. Each and every time, it felt like the real thing. It's hard to tell.
I think the best thing to do is just ride it out until you're legal - then see what happens. When he doesn't answer your texts, or when he seems to be changable (one minute saying I love you, next minute saying I'm not sure) - remember that he's confused, too, and he's afraid, too. He seems sincere, if a little scary -
Be very very careful about sex - he's been with several girls, as you said, and let me tell you, not all diseases show up right away. You have to be tested, stay safe, then be tested again six months later - that will catch just about everything, but there are *always* exceptions.
I think you've got the right ideas and the right plans, and I think if you just let it ride until your legal, you two *will* start to date again. At that point, things will start to clear up. He will be able to relax around you - right now, he's got "Registered Sex Offender" staring him in the face every time he's with you. That's a lot to be afraid of.
Don't read into text messages much - and consider that he might be trying to stay away from you because he simply can't resist you, and he's terrified of being arrested. Give him time - time enough for you to get past your birthday, anyway - and I think that there might just be a very promising relationship ahead of you!
Oh, one other thing - about when you were with the other boy, Micheal, and he showed up. I'll just bet that he can't stand to think of you with another guy. At the same time, he's gone through all of these girls to try to get away from his feelings for you (because they are illegal, that's all) - and he doesn't feel like he has the right to be jealous. And, he doesn't want you to be lonely - but he doesn't want you with other guys. I know, it's an impossible situation, but feelings aren't logical. All of these contradictions are probably why his text messages are so confusing, and why he disappears for months on end, and he even says things in person that don't make much sense. He has mixed feelings - he want you but he's not allowed to have you; he wants you to be happy but he doesn't want any other guy to have you; *he* doesn't want to be lonely but he doesn't want those other girls, either. All of it's a big mess in his mind, and he's trying to sort it all out.
So now *I'm* sorry this has been so long. *smile* And I could be completely mis-reading the situation. But for him to stick around for three years waiting, three of the most changeable and exciting years in a person's life (meaning - teenage years)- that's significant. It means something. I believe you two have a pretty good chance.
Good luck to you again, and thank you for writing me! I'd love to hear back on how things work out!
Okay, im 17/f and my ex is 20/m. I dated him in 06' when I was 14 and he was 17. Two months of us dating I turned 15, so it was only a two year difference. We dated for 8 months. We broke up because his mom said we had two different maturity levels, and we needed to either break up, or get back together later on. I thought I was in love with him, and he said he was in love with me but everyone said I was too young to know what love is. When we broke up, he pinky promised me that on my graduation day in 2011, that he would propose to me. I believed him.
Every since then, I haven't had a real boyfriend since, its like my heart just doesn't feel like giving anyone an opportunity because I guess it finally found its home with him. During these last 3 years, I have seen my ex here and there. My parents got real attached to him, so he comes over to visit occasionally. I really believe my love for him is real. Everytime I see him, my heart drops, stops, and skips beats, and I get a little nervous inside. I only feel 100% normal and secure when he's hugging me, Im hearing his heartbeat, or he's just holding me. A few months ago, he came over and we sat in his truck, and he was bringing back old memories that I thought he would forget. It made me happy to know that he remembers EVERYTHING. He even remembers the promise he made me, and he also said that he's still in love with me, and after we broke up, he hasnt be able to be with anyone longer than 3 months. He cried to me, for the second time in our whole relatioship, just because he really missed me, and he missed the feeling of being able to be himself 100% and someone love him for it. He promised me that when Im legal (18) he will ask me back out, (therefore his mom can't trip about our age difference) and we can finally be happy again. I turn 18 on November 20th. He still remembers the proposal promise he made me 3 years ago, and he says he still plans to keep it.
He says Im the only girl he's ever been able to look at and his heart stops likes its the first time he's ever seen me.
Im just not too sure if his feelins are real, or if im to young to know what it is, but i do know the way I feel about him, isn't anything you feel for just a friend.
Wow, your story is soooo touching and sweet. I have to say that if he has stuck around for three years waiting, patiently, for the right time - and he's still around and saying the things you describe - it sounds genuine to me!
The questions you must ask yourself are:
1. Are you true friends with him? Do you have things in common, and just simply enjoy each other's company?
2. Do you get along? Think about the things about life you don't agree on - can you accept his beliefs and thoughts, even if they don't always match your own?
3. Think about the things about him that you *don't* like. There's always something, that's what makes us human - can you *live* with the things you *don't* like about him?
4. In the last several years, has he come around to hang out because he just wants to be around you? Or does he only come around if he isn't busy with other things (like going out with friends, or maybe even on dates, etc.)?
5. Do *you* really and truly believe that you could be happy with him for always, and never wonder "what if", never feel the need to spread your wings and just play the field? (regardless of this answer, you should try it anyway - in the adult world; at least give your self time to see who is out there - more on this below...)
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. If you can honestly answer Yes to all of these questions, it sounds like his feelings are real, and so are yours. I *know* it's possible for teenage love to be real and strong and lasting. It usually doesn't happen - I have to admit that - but it can. One of the happiest couples I've ever seen has been together basically since Kindergarten... They played together in grade school, dated in High School, went to college, then married and had kids. Now their kids are in college - and they are still happy together.
I would advise you go to college first, before marrying - only because in college it's like getting a true taste of real life. It's a really really big world out there and at 17-18 you honestly haven't *lived* in it yet. When you struggle with finances, spend some time all on your own, have the opportunities to meet a lot of new people who share your interests and like the same things you do - then you have a better idea about whether or not he is truly the right person for you, in a forever kind of way.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is Yes, it sounds like his feelings are real. And I wouldn't see anything wrong with dating, maybe even seriously, or even becoming engaged, after you graduate. But before you actually marry, I would definately get your feet wet in real life first. Find out if, after you've hit the world and learned what it is to be an adult, independant and around other adults, your feelings are still the same.
Again, the most important thing is to be honest with yourself, and though you've been waiting a very long time already, I know, there is *still* no rush to marry and start a family. Give the relationship a few years to mature and grow, see what it grows into. Give the world a few years to show you what adulthood is like, and see how you feel then.
The thing a lot of people don't realize about marraige and relationships is that you can never go into them expecting your partner to change - you have to accept them exactly the way they are, or you'll end up unhappy -
At the same time, no matter what you do, both you *and* your partner will *certainly* change as time goes by. So to build a strong relationship you must be sure that your basic personality, the very core of who you are, that person that you were the day you were born and will be until the day you die - that deep inside person that is YOU, is compatible with the deep inside person that is HIM. Only then will you know that even the normal changes that take place throughout life will not change the feelings you have for each other.
Good luck, and I hope everything goes well for you!