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Is it love or lust?
Okay, Im 18/f and my boyfriend is 17/m. I've had sex with two guys, and he is still a virgin, because the last girl he was with for a year and a half was saving herself for marriage. We have talked on and off for a few months last year when him and his ex broke up; than they got back together; now we have been together for a month. The chemestry between us is amazing. We have a great connection phyiscally, emotionally, and mentally. Well, I know boys will be boys, and they get horny quite often, just like girls do too. I very rarely get horny. There was an inncident that happened when I was 15 where I almost got raped, if it wasn't for my friend that walked in, and got him off of me, I would have. (I was drunk at the time too) Big mistake. I told riley about it at the beginning of our relatioship, and he cried because it pissed him off somoene would do that to me.
Well. Riley has already fingered me, and what not, but since then, Riley is always trying to pull moves on me, when he knows IM not in the mood. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good at all, and we was laying in his bed together, I was trying to take a nap, and he tried rubbing on me down there, and I told him to stop, he did for maybe a minute, and did it again. Theres been a couple of times, I've told him No, and he still tries. He says that he loves me, but yet he doesn't stop when I ask him too. He said its hard for him to control himself with that kind of stuff, and I told him if he really loved me, he would find a way to control it. I told him theres a difference in my sexual stop, and my serious one, and he knows the difference in them pretty well. He just doesn't know how to stop when I tell him too. It usually takes me to cry in order for him to stop. He knows about me almost getting raped, and yet he doesn't stop. I think he's confusing lust with love. Maybe he's only with me because he knows I've had sex, and I will have sex with him? I don't know.
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Don't give up - hold tight to your gut feeling. If you're not comfortable with anything he's doing, don't let him press you into it. It's too important, and if he doesn't respect that - there's someone out there who will, and you *deserve* to be respected.
If he's pushing you to the point of tears - then he's pushing you too far. If he's only with you because he wants sex - then you should find out as soon as possible, or you'll be hurt worse later. You'll have to talk straight with him about it - and if he's not a person you can really talk to, again, you should find out as soon as you can.
I wouldn't try to second guess him - it's true that guys that age have serious driving instincts and impulses and it's hard for them to control. But if he truly cares for you, he *will* control those impulses. Make sure he knows how much his pushing upsets you - I think your tears should tell him that, but some guys are funny about tears. So talk to him about it also, a different time when you're not upset.
I'm trying to be generous with this guy, but I have to tell you it's difficult. Just from what you've said, I'm afraid that you're right - he's confusing love with lust; either that or he's purposefully trying to get you to have sex with him. I hope for his and your sake both that he's confused and not just being a jerk. Either way, though, you should do the same thing.
See, there are three different things that may be going on. The first thing, the worst possibility - is that he's being a jerk. He just wants sex from you and he's saying whatever he thinks it will take to get it.
The second possibility is that he just wants sex from you but he *believes* that he loves you.
The last possibility, the one we always hope for, is that he really does love you and he's just having a lot of trouble controlling himself.
No matter which possibility it is - what you should do *now* is the same. I mentioned that you need to know which it is - because, obviously if its the first or second possibility, you want to get out before you get hurt. I also mentioned that you need to be able to talk to him - that is absolutely necessary in a relationship. If you can't talk then you will also get hurt, and if that's the case, it doesn't matter whether he loves you or not - communication is the first basic necessity. Even if you love each other madly - you must be able to communicate. You should find that out now, too, because that will hurt even more than if he's just after you for sex - it will hurt you both.
Again, no matter what it is he's feeling, you should do the same thing - talk to him.
I know you already have, and if you've already talked to him and you know he truly understood everything you said - deep down - then I think that probably you already know what you should do next. I mean, of course, dropping him. I know that's kind of blunt and much MUCH harder than it sounds - but it will be so SO much harder and more painful later. At least now you will be doing it by choice and on your terms. If you don't do it now, you're giving that control to him. It's like you're saying:
"I know this relationship won't work, and I know I should end it right now, but I really don't want to. So instead I'll just wait until I'm hurt so much that I just can't take it anymore, or until *you* realize it will never work and decide to dump me, instead."
And so you'll be opening yourself up for a fall - and it might happen right at the very worst time. If you get it done and over with now, you won't have this huge gaping hole just waiting to swallow you when you least expect it.
Now the reason I keep saying "Talk to him" is this - guys handle their feelings in a totally different way than girls do. They feel something and react - while girls feel something, talk about it with our friends, examine it under the microscope, figure out exactly what it is, and then decide how to handle it.
So that's why I say that he may believe he loves you even if he only wants you for sex. Again, though, no matter what - you have to talk to him.
When you talk to him, keep in mind what I said about feelings. It's very difficult to get a guy to look at his feelings like we do. They tend to avoid the matter - they've been raised that way - it's conditioned into them from birth. Instead they will fall into this pattern of just telling you what they think you want to hear.
So avoid actually *naming* the feelings. Try to explain the result of your emotions instead of naming the emotions themselves. It's impossible to do completely, but the more you can manage to do so, the better he will understand what you're saying.
If you accuse him of not loving you, he'll fight it with all his might. If you say something like "If you loved me, you would not push." - he won't agree inside, and he'll fall into the pattern (telling you what he thinks you want to hear). Instead speak in solid, physical terms.
For example, here's how you might explain it:
"When you start to push me for sex, after I've already told you I'm not in the mood, I start thinking about when I was almost raped. I can't help it, it just pops into my head. It completely turns me off, and I start to feel scared and nervous and helpless again. The last thing I want to do is have sex. Please don't do it anymore. It's going to ruin things between us."
You've told him in ways anyone would understand exactly how he's making you feel and exactly what will happen if he doesn't stop. That is all you need to do. The next time he pushes, remind him how it's making you feel, and if he truly loves you, whether he knows it or not, that alone will turn HIM off and he'll stop. If he doesn't, then, you know what you need to do.
Then what will happen (and I truly hope it doesn't work out this way) - but what will happen then is that he truly, truly will NOT understand why you're breaking it off. He won't understand because he wasn't thinking of YOUR feelings, and he wasn't even truly, deep down, aware that he was *supposed* to think of your feelings. It's very difficult to explain without a book - but basically, it goes down to the fact that guys just feel - then react. They don't analyze what they're feeling. They stick a name on it that seems to fit and that's about it.
So it's not an easy situation your left with. Hopefully, once you make your actual, physical reactions known to him in terms he will understand, he will back off. If not, though, it will be difficult - but the main thing to remember here if that happens is that he will go from telling the truth to exagerrating the truth to flat out making up the truth to keep you from breaking it off. In the end he will probably say whatever he thinks you want to hear. The hardest thing for you will be listening to everything you want to hear and *still* remembering that you have to break it off.
Sorry this was so long! I just re-read it and, my goodness!! - I type much faster than I realized! I truly hope the best for you, and I hope that I'm wrong about him. Remember that you know him in ways I couldn't possibly know him, and there are exceptions to every rule - but try not to let that blind you into seeing what you want to see. I think that's the most damaging thing women do to themselves, and it happens every day, over and over and over again. Try not to let that happen.
Again, good luck - I hope that I have helped a little! I'm terribly sorry you had to live through the ordeal when you were almost raped - but I'm glad to see you still with us nevertheless. :)
Feel free to keep in touch and let me know what happens!! Take care!
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Well he probably still cares about you but he might think he loves you. If he can't stop touching you when you ask him to, then he isn't showing love. He needs to respect you. Just because you have had sex before doesn't mean that your gonna just go straight into it with him. Yeah, he's horny but he needs to stop when you ask him to.
If you really want to find out if he's with you for you or for sex then don't let him finger you or touch you like anymore.
If you seriously have to cry to make him stop then this relationship isn't worth it.
You need to talk to him about it. If he still continues, find a guy that will respect you more. Good luck!
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There's a few issues here - one is that you and he may have pretty different sex drives. You say you "very rarely get horny." And there's nothing wrong with that - but it may mean that you and he have sex drives that are seriously different - even greater than the usual boy/girl difference in that regard. If so, maybe you should consider finding someone more in tune with your wants and needs.
Another issue, however, is this business of him not taking "no" for an answer. There should be only one "stop," not a sexual one versus a serious one. Boys get stupid when they're horny. Trust me on this. If you say "stop," mean it, and tell him that from now on, your "stop," if you say it, is always for real.
With that problem out of the way, you can judge his behavior accurately. If you say "stop" and he keeps going, then it's time to end the relationship.
That's how I see it anyway. Best of luck to you either in this relationship or your next one!
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It doesn't matter if he confused or evil.
Regardless of WHY he is doing it, he is being an asshole.
You have to stop making excuses for him. 'Guys will be guys' is not an excuse for bullying you and pawing at you.
You are right: He DOES know the difference between playful and not. And he also DOES know to stop. Only an idiot wouldn't know. You need to stop giving him permission to indulge in idiocy. It's disgusting that you need to be upset enough to cry before he can get a very simple message through his thick skull.
This is not 'normal guy' stuff. Normal get the message, and back off. They don't need tears before they understand that a girl isn't enjoying being touched that way.
What you have to do is sit him down, at some point when you are not cuddling or being close and let him know firmly, that what he is doing is not okay. Being horny doesn't mean he can behave however he wants. He needs to listen and respond appropriately. If he can't do that, he can't date you.
The next time he keeps pushing, stop, stand up. Remove yourself from his reach and repeat your message of no. If he keeps doing this, break up with him. It will poison your relationship if he can't respect your messages and you both can't discover ways to initiate intimacy that don't lead to you crying.
No more excuses from either of you. His behavoir is not okay.
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