Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)


My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    I am 18 years and I am in a relationship with a guy for about two years, we love each other a lot . but he yearns for my virginity . but I want to wait but he can't , should I save it ? or its gonna be really wrong?

    The Answer
    It's your body. The only person who can decide what is right or wrong for it is you.

    If you want to wait for marriage, then you should do that. If your boyfriend really wants a relationship that includes sex, he might need to be in a relationship with someone other than you.

    Sometimes a person we love isn't the right fit for us. It doesn't make either of you bad or wrong, but if you have a fundamental disagreement about what sort of relationship you want to have then there isn't always a compromise that can work. He is not wrong or bad for wanting to have a sexual relationship, and you aren't wrong or bad for wanting to wait, but you might be wrong for each other.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I have had rats in the past growing up, my last rat was solitaire, I never got another because my mother had a problem with just one being in the house; however I spent much much time with her. And she lived 5 years and passed when I turned 18. I am now 21 and last Monday went out to the city and saw a few baby rats. The litter was abouy 7 weeks the lady told me. And I looked at the babies and fell in love with two adorable little girls, I brought them home with me. (Over the past month I had Gotten a tank with everything needed, since I was expecting on getting either mice or a pair of rats.) While they grow enough to be put in a cage I have them in a 25 Gallon tank with igloo, waterbottle, food bowl, bedding and some chewblocks and pieces of soft fabric and soft paper towel for them to tare and nest with.

    I have picked them up for short amounts of time and whisper to them since when I speak out normally they tend to skitter and hide...I call them each by name as they settle a bit in my hand. I will pet them softly on their neck and by their ears and one took my finger and tasted it...or maybe tried grooming me? I'm not sure, but anyways they come up now when I come over to the tank. They peek out and look around when I am talking about on the phone or with a friend in my room, and when I move over they are slowly adapting to me speaking out, my voice is loud and gruff..anyways

    Now whenever I stick my hand in they run up to me and start searching for food, since I have been feeding them periodically by hand and then watch them a bit and talk to them, once they come out after they are done eating I hold each of the at a time for a couple of minutes then place them back in.

    But recently as of 2days ago, whenever I go and stick my hand in they grab at my fingers and nip kind of hard...I don't bleed but it does hurt and I don't mind it much since I figure they are being lil butts and want more treats. But will this go away? I haven't had a rat in so long and the others I had gotten were a couple of months old and not baby babies as these are.

    Also what else can I do to tame them, and get them to recognize it isn't ok to bite hard?

    Thanks in advance to everyone who helps! (:

    The Answer
    You need to make some sort of noise, a yelp or a squeal, and pull your hand back when they bite too hard. At their age, they are probably experimenting with playing. They need to learn that isn't how they play with you even if they is how the like to play with one another. A squeal and pulling away is how they teach each other what is too rough, and you'll need to do the same.

    You never want to punish a rat. They don't understand the concept and it only makes them distrust you. So just leave them alone for a minute or two if they bite too hard.

    Also, if you feed them from your hands, do not hold the food between your fingers and offer to to them. Put the food in your palm and let them climb on your hand to get it. That will teach them not to nip at your fingertips for food, but to gently approach your hands for their treats.

    You also want to make sure they don't have too many places where they can hide completely from you. They need some coverage to feel safe, but if you give them completely closed places to hide, they might bite to protect their den. Making sure their cage is relatively open when they are young can help make them more amenable to being handled at all times.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I'm a 14 year old girl so obviously I'm old enough that I know a good amount of curse words (though I generally don't use them of course) and about sex and everything (I don't have sex of course) from health class. My parents think that I'm so innocent though and they try to shelter me! I learned a lot from health class, friends, and experience but they think that I don't know anything. I haven't even gotten "the talk" yet and learned to take care of my period myself. I just feel like they don't know me.

    The Answer
    Do you know yourself yet?

    I mean, things are changing so fast and you are learning so much each year, you have to give your family a bit of a pass on not being able to keep up. It's hard work to recognize a young person who is changing every day, every week and every month.

    Becoming your own person does mean having things going on in your head that you don't necessarily share with everyone else. That is part of being an adult and a full fledged human being. But if you want your family to know you better, the only way you can do that is by talking to them and telling them what's on your mind.

    Which will be hard. Because they may not be ready to let go on the idea they have of you in their own heads. But still, the only person who can challenge and evolve how they see you, is you.

    You are probably right. There are lots of ways in which they know you better than you'll ever know yourself - and there are lots of ways in which they are utterly clueless. If you want them to know who you are today, you have to let them, and keep letting them as you learn and change.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Ok, I am not talking about beating him up or whatever. He is so strict. My boyfriend gets punished by getting the belt on his butt. Has to take off his pants and boxers and lay on his bed so his dad can hit him with the belt. My boyfriend thinks its ok for his dad to do this and even that it only happens when he deserves it. I want him to tell someone at school but he wont. Should I tell someone or how do I get my boyfriend to agree??

    The Answer
    Unfortunately, in the United States spanking, or hitting a child with a paddle, a belt or a switch, is not enough to constitute child abuse. In most other first world countries, this behaviour is not tolerated, but in the US parents are allowed to behave violently towards their children and call it 'discipline'.

    it's wrong. It's immoral. It's bad parenting and it's not an effective way to teach children anything, at all. But it is legal.

    If your boyfriend does not want to report it, and otherwise feels safe in his home, there is little that any other adult can do to stop his father. To get the law involved in a case like this, there needs to be evidence that a parent used 'unreasonable force' (which usually mean major bruises, bleeding, permanent damage or at least enough damage to require medical attention) and sometimes the child also has to express they feel fearful of the parent.

    It sucks. But the best thing you can do is just be supportive of your boyfriend and how he chooses to handle this. The law can't probably can't help him unless the beatings are extremely severe. If he is ready to look for help, his best support might come from adults who can speak to his father about better ways to parent, like a pastor or priest, or another family member.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    im a 22yr old female.

    i am currently in a relationship that has been good for 3 years. just recently we have been arguing daily about everything so i decided to move back into my parents to give each other some space. we still argue a lot, the other thing to take into account is he has ADHD (has medication for it) yesterday he accused me of cheating because i did not answer my phone because i fell asleep as soon as i got in from work till the following morning (6 pm till 6 am). I feel he has lost trust in me, i can not even see my friends (which he knew about in advance) with out him kicking off at me. Don't get me wrong i love him to bits but i am starting to loose my tether with it all. please can someone put this into perspective for me? i feel like im going insane

    The Answer
    He's lost all trust, and you were so unhappy you moved out.

    Before you ask yourself if this relationship is salvageable, you need to ask yourself if you actually want to save it? I'd be willing to guess, just based on the very small amount of information you gave us here, that you don't really want it to continue with him.

    You can't live with this guy. What future can there be together if you can't live in the same place as him without being miserable? Is there a plan or expectations that need to be met before you'd be able to live together once more? Do you want to make that plan, and do that hard work to get back to that place? Does he?

    Lots of questions only you can answer. If you really don't know what you are feeling, take a look at what you are currently doing. Sometimes the choices you are already making are a good way to tell what it is you actually want to do.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Well me and my husband got into an argument over him telling his sister that I don't do anything and don't want to go anywhere. Well then he says at least you've got some one to vent to.(talking about me to his sister). After she left he said it wasn't fair that he can't vent/ talk shit about me. So I said you have friends. And he was like I don't want to talk to guys about it. He said he wants to hit up one of his exs so that he can complain about me to her. I said no and he practically begs to talk to them. Just girls and he has either had sex or sex acts with them am I wrong for telling him no?

    The Answer
    I'm all for people being friends with their exes - when it's a healthy, mutual friendship, but that is NOT what your husband seems to be asking for.

    He's asking to make contact with women he used to sleep with so he can complain you. And that not okay. It's not respectful of you, or of those other women! He is basically suggesting using them, without them really knowing what is going on. That is really mean-spirited. If they aren't his friends anymore than they don't care about his problems with his wife - and if they do, that's a bit of a red flag.

    Everyone needs friends and confidants, but he should not need those friends and confidents to be his exes! He needs to make healthy connections with people, maybe family, or maybe new friends, but going back to his exes only for the purpose of having someone he can bitch about his wife too? That's not okay.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    OK so my husband has a mixture dog 2 years old he pees every where I sat. Where I sleep and blanket/ pillows. My purse my clothes. He has even walked into our bathroom while I was on the toilet (we don't have a door on our bathroom yet fixing walls ext) and he lifted his light and pissed on my leg and pants! This is the second time he has peed on me. At first I thought it was because of the new puppy and he is not neutered. But why my stuff where I sit? I don't punish him I give him love and attention. Give him treats when he goes out. But that has stopped recently he pees everywhere and when he goes out he won't get off the steps refuses to pee/ poop then when we are tired of waiting he sneaks off to pee.FRUSTRATING! Now on to my new pup she is female and potty pad trained. well to a point if the male pees on her pad she won't use it she won't pee anywhere he has. She is getting into everything! Shoes toilet paper cords! She got into my husbands wallet and pulled cards out and tore them up. She put a football size hole in our couch. Chews on my husbands chair. She even bites chunks out of our walls. Sounds like I'm talking about a big dog right? She is a chiweenie four months old and the runt. The hole in the couch is bigger then her. What do I do with them? We put our stuff up she climbs on shelves. Put four gates up she chews or fights through it. Chew toys got them she eats them. Water bottle works but we have to devote all hours of the day to both or there is a mess! PLEASE HELP!!

    The Answer
    You need to get the male neutered ASAP. That will likely help, but you still have a hard road ahead of you.

    He's marking. He is using his urine to mark things that are 'his' (including you) and he could also be using this to express dominance over the new puppy, as well as the people in the house.

    If your new puppy is truly a puppy, then well, that is what they do. You need to invest serious time into supervising and training a new puppy so they don't turn destructive.

    Your best bet is to talk to a professional dog trainer at this point, and to get that boys balls cut off. There are some things you can certainly do that might help - proper crate training would help to control both the marking young adult and the destructive puppy, and so might umbilical training.

    It's going to take a hell of a lot of time no matter what. For a while, it will be 'all hours'. You've got one adult dog with a serious behavioural issue, and one untrained puppy. But talking to a trainer will mean you are using all that time effectively, rather than just experimenting, getting frustrated and giving up.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My husband loves anime. He gets attached to the female characters. Also I recently found he has been watching one where a boy is in love with his stepsisters. He has a big list of exes. Which in one case had sex with his stepsister. I don't care I think its just as sick as your blood. And he gets mad at me when we discuss ever having kids. Well his favorite anime is naruto. He is in love with the two female characters Sakura and Hinata. Not being too open but has masterbated to both. But the case in which I mentioned children he is dead set on naming if we would have a daughter to name her after them. I personally think it's messed up please help and give me advice I need it.

    The Answer
    EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK.

    It's okay that you don't like my advice, but when you delete your question all you are doing is robbing yourself of anyone else's advice!

    I only responded to what you wrote about your husband. I didn't make anything up, or make any extra assumptions. You are the one who said his behaviour is 'messed up' and called him sick. You said he has an extreme and sexual fixation when these TV shows, that he doesn't want kids and that he talks about his obsession with these TV shows in relations to his possible daughters. You said that these things make you really uncomfortable and concerned.

    I'm not a crazy or mean person for asking the obvious question - Why is this a person you want to co-parent with? Because EVERYTHING you wrote down, says he's not the guy for you or your idea of a good potential father.

    I'm not trying to make you feel guilty and I'm not being any more negative than you were, in your own question. All I am asking is why do you think this is a good marriage to be in? Because all you have given us here are a bunch of really big, serious reasons that it is not.

    /EDIT

    Do you want to be with this person?
    Do you want him to be the father of your children?

    Lots of people have fandoms and fantasies - by themselves those aren't evil things - but it sounds like you are not at all comfortable with the importance he places on these things in his life, or his sexual engagement with them. That is totally valid. Maybe there is some woman out there who'd be down with that, but it's not you, and it's wouldn't be me either.

    So you think it's messed up? Okay. What are you going to do about that? Are you going to move ahead and try to have children with someone who makes you so uncomfortable and whose judgement you have so little respect for? That's a horrible idea!

    If he is not open to changing his behaviour, then you need to change yours, and that change might need to be divorce. You can't force someone to change. You can only walk away.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Puppies need shots I read on here but what is the schedule for getting your puppy her shots? Is it the same as it is with people babies vaccinations? Thank you!

    The Answer
    It's a bit similar to childhood vaccines. Some your puppy will need each year, and some they will only get once in their life.

    Your vet is the one who can best tell you which vaccines your puppy needs and on what timeline. Most areas require some vaccines like the rabies and parvo vaccines, those are illnesses that are seriously dangerous to your puppy and could even cause death, so you should get those vaccines just as soon as your vet allows it (usually between 8-12 weeks) but there are also other vaccines might just be recommended for your area.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    This is something we will actually need! Soccer and jump rope may be fun, but defense is important. We could be threatened on the street, challenged,etc. Us girls need it the most. We are in risk of rape, domestic violence,etc. In gym boys do wrestling for a unit while girls do yoga. I have 3 arguments against that
    1. Downward dog isn't gonna protect you from sexual harassment.
    2. Girls need to know how to fight more whether society likes it or not, since we can't rely on natural strength
    3. It won't even help boys defend themselves because say they are being jumped, by 3 or more guys 1 on 1 combat will be useless and you'll need to do more then to hold them down for 3 seconds to be able to get away and alert the cops
    They need to be talking to us about the dangers of the real world and how to defend ourselves, it's not gonna be inappropriate, it'll be useful and it won't disturb/scare. And even if it does, we'll be glad we learned it when we still have our hard earned money, or not have AIDS, and we'll skip a lot of much more traumatizing experiences.

    The Answer
    Actually, self defense classes that focus on training you to be physically violent have been shown to be very harmful. They give people a false sense of security and don't actaully make them more capable of handling violent attacks. The bravado and false empowerment of those sorts of physical training actually gets people hurt more often, and more badly hurt.

    The better technique is to teach young people, men and women, to avoid situations as best as they can, to defuse risky encounters, and how to look for support or safety when they sense danger.

    Since most victims of violence (especially in the case if young women) are attacked by intimate partners, in their own homes, teaching young people about healthy relationships and to recognize abusive situations in the early stages actually does way more to keep people safe and healthy, then trying to teach them 'self defense' moves that really, really don't work well unless you are exceptionally well trained and practice regularly.

    Meeting violence with violence is almost never the best way to keep yourself safe.. There are no magical skills or moves that can make up for a 50 to 100 lb weight difference, or change the odds of 3 on 1 fight. We do not live in the movies. When we act like we do, reality kicks our ass. Self defense classes are a kind of fantasy wish-fulfillment. They are not real skills that can actually help people avoid violence. The skills that can actually help a person avoid violence are recognizing the risks and minimizing them as much as possible and responding appropriately before violence happens.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I'm planning on starting college soon and I have to get extra on my student loan, so I can afford fuel to get back and forth. I'm wondering if it might be worth it to get a larger amount and use it to move out of my parents house before I graduate. I'm talking about 20k extra, so that I can buy furnishings and essentials for the apartment as well as have a little cushion afterwards.
    Now as young as I sound right now, I'm actually in my 20s, so I have been weighing the pros and cons, but I'd really like an outsiders opinion.
    Right now all I have is my boyfriends and he just told me he'd support me no matter what I decide to do. We will not be living together for another couple years, because he is overseas.
    Health issues, family issues, and personal issues have kept me from going to school and moving out up until now, so I'm very antsy, and very ready, to move out and on my own. Thanks for your advice! :)

    The Answer
    Just make sure you CAN get your loan to cover expenses like fuel and furniture. Not all student loan programs will allow that.

    Is it a good idea? That's a highly personal question. Most people will spend at least 10 years after they leave college paying off those loans. That $20,000 now, could easily end up costing you $30,000 by the time you've actually paid it off, and that's an optimistic assumption. For some people, those loans end up costing them much, much more, and that is on top of whatever other loans you absolutely need to pay tuition.

    I would say that if you are capable of succeeding at school, while living at home, do that. As ready as you certainly are to move out - if living at home isn't going to make it impossible to do your school work - then I'd live at home. The only situation in which I'd recommend you move out and take on more debt, would be if you felt that living at home would sabotage or waste your chance at an education. Otherwise, in the long run, less debt is better.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Hi, I have a gross question. Your partner have a fetish for feces or craping on the penis. Then when sex is thought about, you don't want to have sex cause you have to poop. When your partner then enters slightly and you give up and continuously saying no, but he continues to keep going and pin you down. Is that called date rape or sex? Also if you having to poop and it's right there and he eject or (cum) inside of you and you don't know do he have anything. Afterwards you rush to have a BM (Bowel Movement), does that mean your feces caught the cum? cause he was literally pumping into feces. When you go and have a (BM), did you poop the sperm out? And if partner (positive) , cause of (BM) you don't have it cause it didn't get anywhere?

    The Answer
    That is rape. If you say no (or if you are in a position where it is not possible for you to say yes) and someone forces you to have sex - that is rape.

    It's very, very, very unlikely you can get pregnant for anal sex. Any sperm that doesn't leak out right away, will just be pushed out during future bowel movements.

    You were raped. You should report this crime.
    You should also get an STI check, since this person has proven themselves to be a disrespectful and cruel rapist, and there is a higher likelihood of STI transmission during anal sex. This is not a person you should trust if they say they are clean.

    Please, take care of yourself and stay safe. Stay away from this person. They raped you and are awful. It's fine to have a fetish, but forcing someone else is never okay.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Last week to work I wore a shirt with a native chief on it and my friend got pissed off saying it's cultural appropriation. My reply was that I am part native, a whole side of my family is native, I happen to be a 1/4 with a status card. I also have many handmade native ceramic pieces around my house. Now my question is, is this considered to be cultural appropriation? I'm part native, I didn't wear a headdress or a symbol/clothing item that you have to earn, I just loved the shirt and love my native side.

    The Answer
    It's not really cultural appropriation. Not because you have native ancestry - that doesn't matter so much. It's not cultural appropriation because portraits do not have a special cultural or religious importance that is unique to Native American traditions or beliefs (at least, not to my knowledge.)

    Having said that, it's likely much of what your 'chief' was wearing did have cultural importance. It's also likely that the image you were wearing wasn't an accurate historical reference, but a modern artist's interpretation - likely a poor interpretation - of what a generic Native American 'chief' should look like. If that is the case - and I've seen a whole bunch of t-shirts with images like that - then that image is definitely problematic because it ends up reinforcing stereotypes and misconceptions, not reflecting a real or respectful portrait of any actual person living or dead. A poorly informed fantasy or magical representation of an actual culture, is probably not an ideal representation to embrace, even if you don't want to call it appropriation.

    Even if your t-shirt was a image of an actual historical person, that's still not always the best thing to wear. Like wearing images of Che Guevara or Dalai Lama, the image might mean one thing to you, but there is a lot of history and information loaded into those sorts of recognizable faces. You can't escape the history or other's people's opinions of those histories just because those aren't the bits that you care most about.

    Your friend is ass, and shouldn't have been a jerk throwing around words like offensive or appropriation, but that doesn't mean the shirt in question is a great idea or a respectful way to engage with a culture - even one you identify with.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My ex and I dated for a year we later broke up in a very weird way and there wasn't much closure. I got over it and dated others. Long story short I get a texted a year and some months later asking me how I have been and if there was anything new going on in my life. We texted on and off for a bit and I agreed to see him, we both ended up cancelling but he texted me again later to hang out and I was busy at work. He told me to text him whenever I was free and that we would hang out and catch up. I texted him back to say that I forget and to text me next time. It's been a month and no text? I am not interested in a romantic relationship anymore but this behavior confuses me?

    The Answer
    Sometimes what we call 'mixed signals' is really just a normal human being changing thier mind.

    Whatever moment, or desire he had to speak to you - it passed. If you aren't interested in him, why worry about it? If you still really want to be his friend for some reason, then just reach out yourself.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My question is that is being quite a form of rude ignorance. This cousin of mine have been nothing but silent ever since we moved in together. She rarely expresses her opinion and completely ignores my existence. We have been staying together for more than 1year but we speak on formal terms. Do you think she just dislikes me or is it really embedded in her behaviour? I don't expect her to become instantly talkative but wish to see her atleast put some effort in talking to me. What should I do to not get affected by this?

    The Answer
    Why are you living with her if you don't like her?

    Look, it's been a year. Chances are she isn't holding a grudge, because most people can't live a year without blowing up and explaining why they are angry. It's far more likely that she is just the silent type, and is perfectly happy having a roommate and a cousin, who she doesn't really speak to at all.

    I've had many roommates. Some of them just would rather pretend like they are living alone. It's normal.

    So, suck it up. Look for friendship elsewhere, or, if this really getting under your skin, look for another place to live. Unless she tells you there is a problem, pay her the respect of assuming there is not.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am 24 years old. My father has done everything he can to provide for my family and myself and he has definitely succeeded. We have not had a good relationship since I was in middle school maybe 12/13 years old. Nothing he did just never really bonded or gave him the time of day I suppose. I know this hurts him. Fast forward to present day, I have been dating a sweet boy for almost 2 years. He has tattoos and because of this my dad refused to meet him in the beginning. A few months into the relationship, he asked me if we were sleeping together and I replied honestly that we were. This pretty much ruined whatever little bit of relationship I had with my dad, he said he was ashamed and no longer had respect for me and not to mention even more refusal to ever meet my boyfriend. For the past 2 years we have had several arguments over my boyfriend. Yesterday, my dad told me to end the relationship (we had a previous fight about egg donation, i signed up my dad wasn't happy with it and said my boyfriend has no respect for supporting my decision to possibly donate eggs) and if I didn't he would disown me. So I broke up with my boyfriend right after that conversation. I feel this was the wrong decision for several reasons:
    1. I still love him
    2. The relationship is succeeding
    3. Boyfriend had no say of our outcome
    4. My father made the decision
    5. This was also said out of anger
    6. Dad still has not met boyfriend
    So I suppose what I am seeking advice for is what I can do in a situation like this. He pays for my school (I am in my last year for my BA) and I still live at home. I am hoping to move out within the next year but would like to do so peacefully and mutually. Was I wrong for ending things with my boyfriend because it's what my dad wanted? I am so torn, I don't want to lose my dad but I also don't want to lose this relationship especially on these terms. I feel my dad is manipulating me, help!!

    The Answer
    Your dad is manipulating you. Overtly. You don't need to say you 'feel' manipulated. You are being manipulated. Your father is threatening your basic security as a person - your place to live, your connection with your family, and your ability to complete your schooling - because of a relationship that is not dangerous or harmful, but that he just doesn't approve of.

    He has the power to make those sorts of threats. You are old enough that he can kick you out and he doesn't have to pay for your school, but they are still obviously and clear threats.

    Your father is obviously controlling and frankly, he sounds like he is threatened by your healthy relationship with your boyfriend, who actually has shown some support and respect your ability to choose for yourself.

    A bit of advice:
    Stop giving your father the benefit of the doubt. Stop being honest with him. If he uses your honesty as a weapon, he is no longer entitled to the honest truth about your personal, adult decisions.

    Only you can decide if you are willing to risk the serious discomfort and family problems of continuing to date this guy. I wouldn't worry too much about your school - there are ways to access funds for education. But in the end, you have to decide whether you are willing to fight that fight or not.

    EDIT in response to feedback:
    Your father has shown a such degree of controlling impulses that is it possible - even likely - that he will never choose to acknowledge your ability to make choices for yourself, or your right to do so.
    Please, do not waste your years trying to earn the love and respect of someone who will never give it to you. Accept that this is his shit, and his flaw, and find a way to be happy in spite of him, not because of his praise or insults.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    21/f, 27/m

    I'm seeing a guy that has been asking questions that somewhat concerns me. I'm not sure if he's just being curious or that he feels this comfortable to talk to me in this way and ask me these questions.

    Let me first say that I'm Asian and he's Caucasian. I will say that I'm pretty conservative and I feel like respect, loyalty, and honesty is very important to me.

    Yesterday, maybe he was just saying it but he would point out that a girl is hot or say stuff like, "GILF" or "MILF" to me. I feel awkward whenever he says that because I never point out things like that. He'd mention that he thinks I'm pretty and he'd compliment me but it makes me feel uncomfortable when he says things like that. I know that guys will always look at girls but to tell the person you're dating? I'm not sure if that's something that needs to be heard.

    Another thing he asked me yesterday, he said, "why do Asian girls like white guys? There's so many of them that like them." And I got a little confused because most my Asian girl friends have Asian boyfriends. I told him, "I haven't ran into a lot of them. I think if Asian guys were more outgoing and less predictable, they'd probably be able to keep their Asian woman? I'm not sure." And he said, "Huh, I see so many that like white guys."

    Those are just examples of what he has said and mentioned. He has obviously said more that has caught my attention (not in a good way).

    Is he trying to say something? Or is he just that comfortable to ask and say things like that? He says that he's curious but I feel like there may be more to what he is saying.

    The Answer
    I think you have two totally separate issues going on here. The first one is that he he is a just a big ignorant - which isn't a crime by itself - we are always a bit ignorant of one another. It is good that he is willing to ask questions and that you are prepared to give the most honest answers you've got.

    The more serious problem of this is where you are feeling uncomfortable about his values and the way he chooses to express them to you. None of that makes his a bad person, but maybe it makes him a bad match for you.

    It's always tempting to sit around and wait for someone to do something really, really obviously bad to make you break up with them, but the truth is most people are basically good, but that doesn't mean that most people are going to be the right person for you to date.

    Listen to your gut. If you think you two are just still getting to know each other and figure things out, maybe you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his heart is in the right place, but you also don't have to wait for the perfect reason to end a relationship. Being uncomfortable is a good enough reason.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I've recently started dating a guy. We expressed mutual desire to wait a while for sex as we both valued emotional connection versus just physical, but things happened and well, in a heated moment of passion, we has sex. Unprotected. Damn. I asked before he put himself in me if he had a condom, he didn't so we slowed things down a bit, but apparently not slow enough cause we ended up having sex anyway. Stupid move, I know. But being on birth control for the last 10+ years I wasn't worried at the time about pregnancy. Until after of course when you inevitably get that constant panic until your period shows up...

    We talked about it afterwards and I expressed that since I felt emotionally ready, it wasn't a big deal for me that we didn't wait to have sex, and that it was a step further in our relationship and wanted to make sure he was on the same page, but that condoms were a must in the future. He seemed to be but he still wanted to wait a while for the next time. Fair enough.

    A week later, we did diner at my place and things got heated again, and realizing that I didn't hit up the pharmacy that week for condoms because I assumed that 'a while' meant more than a week, I decided not to let things end up in the bedroom. He asked what was the matter and I told him we couldn't have sex because I didn't have condoms at my place. Turns out he doesn't believe in wearing condoms, only in the pull-out method (which is not actually a protection method BTW!), and doesn't want to use them because it ruins the moment. I explained that condoms are supposed to be part of the act and that there are sexy ways to include it, just like grabbing for lube or a toy, and they don't have to be this evil thing he made them out to be. He responded in a "well i've always done it that way and since we both dont want kids right now, whats the problem? besides you're on the pill anyway". I explained that the condom was used for protection against a lot more than pregnancy for me, and it keeps my sanity after sex from my mind going wild and thinking up all sorts of "im pregnant" scenarios, and that it also just happens to protect against STD's. He basically told me that the pullout method was more effective and that I was being very manipulative "going back on my word" after the first time. I apologized for the miscommunication, but that I was not ready to change my beliefs (and health risk!), and that if he didn't understand than we would just not have sex, ever, and that is a very important aspect to a relationship for me. He proceeded to try an convince me that "since I was going to be worried about pregnancy for no reason until my period anyway, that we could do it one more time his way (pullout) and then afterwards we could continue with using condoms. I told him that I was not going to be bargaining with him about something that I care very strongly about, and he responded with a speech about how apparently I didn't actually care about him if I was willing to throw away what we had built just because he wouldn't wear a condom, and that it was just because I like to be in control of everything. I told him that it was a very difficult decision, but I had to go with my gut and trust that if he truly cared about me he would understand. I didn't ask him to change his beliefs, but to understand where I am coming from. He left after saying "you're making a huge mistake" so I'm pretty sure this means we are broken up.

    Did I make the right call? I'm beating myself up for it, but I tried to be as subjective as I could.
    female, 26

    The Answer
    You were right. In fact, I think you handled this extremely well in the face of his obvious attempts to manipulate you.

    He tried to bargain and bully you into doing something that you knew was not safe or a good choice for you. Imagine if he was doing these same things and making these same arguments while trying to pressure you to try heroine, or to drive a tracker while drunk. Once you imagine he was behaving this way about any other risk you didn't want to take with your own body, it becomes pretty brutally clear how utterly in the wrong he was.

    Be glad this guy is gone. Not only is he a dangerous idiot if he genuinely believes what he claimed to believe about the pull out method, he also exhibited a bunch of behaviours that would make me suspect him capable of some serious mental abuse. He tried to accuse you of exactly what he was guilty of doing. He demanded utter control over the situation, he was willing to throw away what you two had because his sexual desires wouldn't be met that evening, and worst of all, he assumed he had a degree of ownership or right to your body just because you'd consented to having sex with him previously.

    This is a person who doesn't understand basic reproductive health, and also doesn't seem to be totally clear on what consent actually is either. Anyone who feels you 'owe' them sex, in any way, is someone you need to stay very, very far away from.

    I'd strongly recommend never having any contact with this person again.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    It's seriously ridiculous. It's a child's play thing! Little girls receiving them don't give a shit about body type, they just see it as a fun, bright colored doll! When I was young I was obsessed with barbies, every time my mom took me to a store with a Barbie, I'd be arguing with her and wouldn't leave without one. I still love playing with them. When I was 7, my mom took me to New York City, and we went into this huge you store and I made my own and ran a barbie fashion show, and I'm not subconscious about my body. And for people who are it's not your childhood doll's fault. It could be peer pressure, you might be obese and insecure about it, or in extreme cases anorexic. Barbie dolls can't put you down or tell you what's perfect (they never did it in the movies and their personality is a good role model for girls), and they certainly can't make you insecure, they're freaking objects, not conscious humans! And there is a model who transformed herself into a Barbie. I personally think it looks a little creepy and fake, but if she thinks it's pretty, that's her decision, not yours. And she works hard for it. And I met her in real life and she is really spirited and nice so you shouldn't judge someone unless you've met them. Like I thought Terissa from house wives was a bitch, but my mom dragged me to some wine store so she could get her cook book signed, and she was nice! Same with big ang (I've met a lot of famous people).

    The Answer
    You know, a lot of things have bad mixed in with the good.

    I don't think anyone would argue that playing with Barbies is going to hurt every little girl ever, or that Barbie is all evil, but there are some problems with Barbie, and the image she presents as ideal, beautiful or desirable. Dolls, and other images of human beings, are not just 'objects'. If objects didn't matter, children would play with balls of yarn and wooden twigs, not toys specially made to look like animals or people. These objects hold a whole lot of meaning.

    You are naive if you don't think that the kinds of images that are shown to young children as being pretty or desirable don't affect them. We all internalize those message starting very, very young. It is those messages you get really young, from things like Barbies ridiculously impossible body, that make peer pressure when you are older work so well. Peer pressure and other body anxieties and stresses wouldn't be nearly so powerful if we weren't inundated by the images and messages of what out bodies are supposed to be like - even by our very first toys!

    Sometimes people do say silly things, or get worked up on topics you might not feel are that important, but it's smart to take a moment and listen to their point of view. You might really like Barbie on a bunch of levels, but that doesn't mean Barbie is a perfect and that there are no problems with it or what it represents. A reasonable person should also be able to see that there are some real problems with the body image and stereotypes of beauty that toys like Barbie introduce and reinforce even on small children.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    hey how many tampons can you have in at once?

    The Answer
    One. Just one.

    If you are having trouble with your tampon, you should try other brands or different absorbencies. Don't insert multiple ones. You run the risk of tearing the vaginal wall, causing irritation and even possibly infection.

    Just use one tampon at a time. If the tampons you've got aren't working, try different ones.
    (View All Other Answers.)



humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker