"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.

Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)

    The Question
    Hello, I am twenty years old and female.
    I am currently on my second to last day of my period.

    Yesterday and today, today is worse, I've been having this very annoying pressure to urinate all the time but when I to the bathroom, I don't actually urinate or it's a tiny amount. However, when I actually do go, it's an even worse pressure - but I can't really describe it as a burning sensation, it's honestly still just pressure there. I have yet to feel a burning sensation during urination.

    My first instinct was to think it's a UTI, very common in women but then I read that any irritation to the vagina during your period could cause this, sorry too personal, but on Saturday night, my boyfriend and I hooked up, I obviously couldn't do anything so it was just dry humping mostly and I figured that may have been the "irritation" that could cause this too.

    I've been reading about UTI's and it's always described as pressure, burning when urinating, fevers maybe (depending on how bad the UTI is), cloudy urination... but I only have the pressure.

    I know I should go to the doctor but if it's anything related to my period, and my period is over tomorrow, I'm kind of just dealing with it til then to see if I still have this going on.

    Any input is appreciated, if you get pressure to have to pee all the time during your period or if you've had a UTI before, anything I can do, if it's normal... anything, really.


    The Answer
    See a doctor right away. You almost definitely have a UTI.

    The pressure - with very little urine coming out - it how it starts. Next comes the pain and burning.

    UTIs get more uncomfortable super-quick, and left untreated long enough they can cause other health problems, including kidney infections. So no 'waiting and seeing'. Go to a doctor. Chances are pretty good you woke up this morning and felt the burning. So go now.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Ok, so a little while back I started receiving text messages from a random guy asking for someone named Angie. I said I knew no one of that name and he starts asking me what my name is. My parents have always taughted me to be careful with who I give my name out to, so I said no. After a while he starts asking weird questions like if I like possums and have ever hit one, then started talking about my shoes and wanted me to send pictures. Naturally, I refused. He then started asking for numbers of girls in my contacts and asks a total of three times for my picture. All he knew was that I was sixteen, and kept trying to squeeze out information. Later that week when I was with my friends I told them about that, one said she heard of a lot of girls getting text messages from this guy, and my other friend asked me if he started asking questions about possums before I got to that part and said he's been texting girls the same thing asking for either a Margaret or Angie and then asking for pictures and contacts. My parents worry way too much and they would most likely have a heart attack if I told them, and I can't go to the police without my parents finding out so what should I do? I deleted all the texts and blocked him and also turned my location services off, so is it ok? It's been a while since this happened, and my neighbor is a cop so I'm not worried, but did I do the right thing? I did tell him about my neighbor being a cop when he wouldn't leave me alone.

    The Answer
    The better thing to do would have been to go to an adult.

    Just because you are smart and well-taught, doesn't mean every girl he's targeting is going to be. The best thing you can do for your community would be talk to an adult about this predator. If you think your parents would over-react, speak to a teacher or guidance counsellor at school.

    It's very frightening that this guy is targeting so many people in your community.

    It's good to take care of yourself, it's better to put in the bit of effort to help keep others in your community safe as well.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I went t0 the doctors and she said I had herpes she just looked at me and gave me meds but never did a real test on me.I have herpes. I gave it to this guy and now he's going to prosecute me. I have a two year old and I can't go to jail. I was raped perviously by another guy and was embarresed.I don't know who the guy was. I didn't know I had an out break. I take meds everyday. So does he have a case? I asked the doctor if it was illegal for me to not tell anyone she said no. I dunno if this is true. HE now has herpes. What do I do.

    The Answer
    If you knew you had herpes, and didn't tell him, there are states and countries where you can be criminally prosecuted for knowingly exposing someone to herpes. There are also places where civil cases have been brought against people who knowingly exposed others to sexually transmitted illnesses without disclosing.

    So, if you were diagnosed with herpes before you started having sex with him, in some places, he'll have a case against you. It's rare that one of those cases can go forward - but they do exist.

    You'll need to speak to a lawyer. Your doctor isn't a lawyer, and although it's not 'illegal not to tell anyone' this guy wasn't just anyone, he was a sexual partner, and it could be illegal to not have told him.. Doctors aren't necessarily going to have the most up to date information on the situation. You need a lawyer.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So in one of the dreams I had this morning, all I can remember is some girl with short dirty blonde hair in a ponytail saying to me, flustered, "What are you doing here, this isn't your dream, you're not supposed to be here! Your in the wrong dream, this isn't your dream, you can't be here!"

    I've never had a dream like that. The dream pretty much was over after she was done shouting at me; like I left because she told me i needed to go. So my question is, is it possible that it was a little more than JUST a dream, maybe something bigger? And what could it possibly mean? Thanks.

    The Answer
    Possible? Sure. It's also possible a baby grand piano will be shoved out of a window by a cat and crush you to death next week.

    But there is even less evidence of dream-based communication between people, than there is of cat-based piano projectiles.

    So it's unlikely. Technically, the piano death scenario I poised is probably more likely. Science tells us that our dreams, although fascinating, are really just the screen-savers of our minds. They help the mind order it's thoughts and stay healthy. They are made up of only our own thoughts and ideas. To think otherwise is wholly unsupported by any evidence what-so-ever. It's a matter of faith and superstitions.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So there's this guy at my work that I like, and we've been texting each other back and forth pretty often. Before reading week ended, I gave him this gift card to a sushi restaurant and he said we should go, and asked me to go to dinner! He picked me up and dropped me off home but didn't make any move. All throughout dinner it was really nice, it never felt awkward , but I just couldn't read him. Fast forward a few days, I texted him a "so do you know what I was craving today ?! Crepes ! Haha When are you free ? We should go out sometime !" And he replied "Haha I had some on my birthday! But I'm still down for crepes! We should go after exams are done! We can celebrate all of the A's we got haha" . Does it seem like he's interested in me ?? There were other instances where we were talking about soccer and I said I would watch him play over the summer and he said that he'll score a goal for me, or the time when he said he'll buy me green tea kit kat when he goes to Japan cause it's my favourite, or like how he'll teach me ukulele because I'm teaching him violin .... Like does it seem like he just thinks of me as a friend or more ?

    The Answer
    Impossible to tell. Maybe he's into you, maybe not. He certainly talks a good game, but if there is no follow-through then you just can't be sure. Maybe he's just flaky. Maybe he's not that into you. Maybe he likes you, but just doesn't want to seriously date anyone right now.

    If you like him, speak up. If you want to go for crepes say "Want to go for crepes at THIS TIME, with me?" Don't sit on your butt waiting for him to take the next step. If you like him, you do it.

    On a side note, please try not to use the phrase 'friend-zoned'. It's actually a really disrespectful way to think about other people and it causes a lot of problems. There is no mythical friend-zone. Either someone is attracted to you or not. If they are not, you can either choose to be their friend, or you can move on, but no one puts you there like it's a punishment or something. Other people just want what they want and we have to deal in respectful ways with that.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I recently lost my dog of 12 years Izzi... And we had bought a puppy to keep my 7 year old Chihuahua from falling into a depression stage.

    The thing is, whenever we're about to leave, he is under our feet, and following us everywhere.

    Separation anxiety.

    The other thing is out of nowhere, he gets tense. I mean really tense. His muscles tighten and he looks like a bridge with legs. I'm serious.. Like how cats pose when they're defending themselves.

    When he does this, he screams in pain. He doesn't yelp, he SCREAMS. These episodes last about 10 seconds each. He doesn't stop until the dog aspirin that we bought at petco kicks in.. We took him to the humane society because that's the only vet we can afford and the vet said keep giving him aspirin and make sure he stays calm for 2 weeks. They took an x-ray and said it was nothing with the bones or joints.. Just sore tissue.

    It's been 3 days. My mom and I hold him gently and pet him until he's calm, but the poor thing is screaming like we've beat him!!

    Please help.. I'm only 15 and I don't want to lose another friend.

    The Answer
    He'll probably adapt.

    Grief is tough for dogs, and Chihuahua's are particularly prone to anxiety. The best thing you can do is stay calm, never punish him, but also don't fuss too much. If touch or holding him helps him calm down then you can do that, but be careful only to give him what he needs - you don't want him to experience your petting as a reward or encouragement, or he might choose to keep on doing this to get your attention.

    It's tough to judge, but just be aware you don't want to reinforce his problematic behaviour. Treat his attacks as tho they are no big deal, give him whatever comfort he needs during them, and then put him down and don't make too big a deal about it.

    Other then that, just him calm, and maybe increase his exercise. Keeping him tired out might help him get some peace. A tired dog is almost always a calmer dog.
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    The Question

    I am an extremely petite woman. I'm about 5"1, Asian and with tiny bone structure. Ballet dancer's build, basically. I wear 00 pants, size 2 dress and 32A bra and though not completely shapeless (I have long legs and a defined waistline), I am extremely skinny and fragile-looking.

    There are literally no men I have ever met that are attracted to chicks who look anything close to me. Every single guy I know is obsessed with the blonde hair extensions, blue eyes and big boobs, and it feels like I'll never be able to compare. I suppose if I was persistent I could get someone to date me, but during the date I know they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from constantly stealing looks at the voluptuous all-American woman at the next table.

    The Answer
    Start online dating.

    Seriously. You'll find plenty of men who want to have sex with you. You might even find it uncomfortable how many men want to have sex with you because you are petite and of Asian descent.

    You might still find it difficult to find someone who wants to be in relationship with you - because that is a tough thing to find for everyone, even the voluptuous blondes - but if you think no one is attracted to you sexually, just jump into the online dating pool for a week or two. You'll find out that there are many, many men willing who want to spend time with you.

    Just be safe about it.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I am a 21 yr old girl, Me and my boyfriend been together for a year and 4months, but he doesn't have job or even have a education, he wants me to drop everything and move there but I just started my two jobs, I don't know what to do! Should I? Or am I giving to much? Help me what should I do?

    The Answer
    I'm sure you are leaving some details out, but fundamentally, the answer is no.

    No, you shouldn't move to be with someone after knowing them for only 4 months - especially if the entire relationship has only happened online.

    And No, you shouldn't move anywhere if you have no idea how you'll make ends meet and feed yourself.

    You also probably shouldn't date a guy who thinks either of those things are good ideas. He's not sensible enough to be in an adult relationship with anyone.

    Love is great, but love without basic physical security doesn't last long.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    When I was 17, I wanted to date guys in their 30s, not even early to mid 20s. It just seems like jealousy, like because they couldn't get with a guy they wanted at that age, Kylie shouldn't have that happiness. Rape or other types of abuse can happen regardless of age gap. So why so much condemnation of this couple?

    The Answer
    It's totally normal for young people to be attracted to older people, or for older people to be attracted to younger people.

    However, when those younger people are still minors, it's the older person's job to recognize that just because they are attracted to one another doesn't mean they can have a healthy, respectful relationship based on equality.

    A seventeen-year-old, no matter how smart or wonderful or rich, is not the legal or social equal of an adult person. You have different rights and responsibilities when you are teenager. Which means those relationships are inherently unbalanced, and can very, very easily, even unintentional, be harmful or abusive towards the younger person.

    Older people, who seek out these arrangements with younger people, are often not looking for respectful relationships. They are looking for the power that they get from dating a much younger person.

    Rape and other abuse CAN happen regardless of age gap, but it happens WAY, WAY more often when there is a large gap in power. Power is the problem, age is just the representation of that problem. As an adult Tyga has way more power, legally and in our culture, then Kylie does and nothing can magically make that not the case. There is no way to change that. Even if they worked really hard at it, there relationship would still reflect that imbalance in power. That's why there is so much condemnation.

    Of course, they are free to be in a relationship - it's not illegal - but other people are equally free to think it's bad idea.


    First off, until about the last 50 years, royalty only married other royalty, largely in order to preserve their power.

    But if you really don't see the difference between a sane adult choosing to marry another adults who happen to be royalty (most of whom have relinquished their power in democratic countries and are now merely symbolic) to an adult who is dating a minor... I don't know what to say to you. Those two things may have had something in common 200 years ago - and also 200 years ago it was generally okay for 40 year old men to marry teenage women - but currently, they have nothing to do with one another at all. Royalty in democratic countries do not enjoy more rights than anyone else gets.

    If you want to look into countries that are not democratic, you will find that the non-royal person in a relationship is very often abused and treated horribly, because the royal has more legal standing than the person who isn't.

    Which was kind of the exact point I was making: Adults, have more legal rights than children and are capable of making more choices about their lives. That power can be used to harm others.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So i'm 16 years old and my mom recently been asking me questions amif im still a virgin and stuff, could she actually take me to a doctor and could determine if i've been sexually active ? Even though I don't want to? Without my permission?

    The Answer
    If you are in America a doctor cannot, legally, share that kind of information with your mother without your permission. You have a right to privacy. A doctor who gave your mom their opinion on your virginity would be committing professional misconduct AND a crime.

    The doctor also couldn't, with certainty, determine if you are a virgin or not by examining you. They may have an idea, one way or another, but they could not be absolutely sure.

    If your mother does take you to a doctor, all you need to do is tell the doctor that you do not want her in the room, and you do not want the doctor to tell her anything. As long as you say that, and do not give permission, the doctor cannot tell your mother anything.

    If you can get your mom to leave the room, it would be a good idea to talk honestly to your doctor about sex. Doctors can have good advice and they might be able to help your mom calm down - without denying you your privacy - especially if they feel you've been honest with them.

    If your mother will not leave you in the room with the doctor, then there can be no doctors appointment. You are entitled to privacy. If your mother refuses, the doctor wont be able to go forward with anything, and the doctor may also be required in that situation to contact the state about your mother's refusal to allow you to have a private conversation with a doctor. Chances are very good, once this is explained to your mother, that she will leave the room and let you speak privately to your doctor. To do otherwise, may well constitute child abuse.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Today I was walking to my grandmother's house and when I was about 2 minutes away, a guy in a white truck pulled up and said hi. He claimed that he saw me at the store, but I did not recognize him at all. He gave me his card with his cell phone number on it and asked me if i would promise to text him later on in the day. I didn't text him, but my main question is, should I be concerned?

    The Answer
    You don't say how old you are, but it sounds like you are probably far too young for this man to be behaving like this.

    You should report this to the police. Maybe he wasn't trying to commit a crime, but it's reasonable to expect he may be. Tell the police what happened so they can have that information if they need it. He wont get in trouble for just talking, but God forbid, if something else should happen, telling the police will help keep someone else safer than they may otherwise be.

    You don't need to be scared, but do be a good neighbor and put in the effort to keep others around you safe.

    And of course, do not text him.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    My puppy that is almost 2 years old in human years is going into heat and keeps throwing up, is that normal?

    The Answer
    Vomitting in dogs is generally not as serious as it is in humans. There are more, less serious things, that can cause a dog to vomit.

    However, you should bring your dog to a vet, and also considering spaying her for her own comfort. If you aren't going to breed her, she will likely have a more pleasant life if you spay her as young as possible.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Can you give a girl a lickout while she has a yeast infection

    The Answer

    Although yeast infections are not too difficult to cure, other people can catch them, either on their genitals and in their mouths.

    She needs to get the appropriate medication, and both of you need to wait until her treatments are complete.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question

    I'm not sure if this has to deal with anything, but I have been on birth control for 2 years now. I switched birth control pills 7 months ago. The doctor's have prescribed me the pills that would help me skip my period and only have it every three months.

    Last year, I started off losing interest in meat. I would eat it whenever it is in front of me, I would order things that contain meat. Months later, I started becoming tired of meat and I wasn't able to finish it, then give it off to the person next to me. Now, I am nauseous of meat, whenever I think of something in particular, when I see something, I get nauseous. The other day, I ate some wings and then got tired of it and ate the rest of it the day afterward.

    I'm not sure what it is, but lately I have also been craving for pickles and milkshakes. I heard those were common for pregnant women. So, I took a pregnancy test, and it was automatically negative. My doctor said that if I try to skip my period, my body will trick itself into thinking that its pregnant, could this be it? But if so, it doesn't make sense when it comes to me feeling nauseous towards meat.

    Any opinions? What do you think it is? Am I slowly becoming a vegetarian without my choice?

    The Answer
    I think you should see a doctor before you get ill (or ill-er).

    Simple fact: Most young women don't get enough iron or protein their diet. A young woman who is suddenly not eating any meat, is DEFINITELY not getting what her body needs to be healthy. Vegetarianism can certainly be engaged with in a healthy way, but if it's happening to you like this, you are probably ending up eating really, really poorly.

    The worse you eat, the more likely you are too feel ill when you do eat meat. That doesn't mean your body isn't desperate for what meat contains, that discomfort means there is something wrong, and it's probably not something that will be better if you aren't getting what your body needs.

    It's possible that the hormonal birth control is affecting the way your taste buds work, but it really shouldn't be causing digestive issues or 'cravings'. It's possible, but that second part is not really likely. (Also, woman absolutely don't reject foo that have 'pathogens' that are bad for the baby. That's absurd and not at all how cravings or food aversions work during pregnancy. That's a complete myth).

    What is just as possible - and a bit more likely - is that you are searching for an explanation for what is happening to you when it comes to meat, and your mind settled on pregnancy because of the comment your doctor made about it, and then you associated it with cravings, so now you have cravings because on a subconscious level you now believe you should have cravings.

    It's also possible that something else is wrong. At very least, it seems likely that this might not be a great birth control option for you.

    Go see a doctor.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    18 F

    Months ago I was able to call the most beautiful girl that's ever been in my life, mine. Sadly we parted ways but still remained somewhat in contact. We would occasionally talk, interact on social media, just never face to face. Today I asked her if it would be okay now to hang out and she said she to be honest she'd probably feel uncomfortable.

    What I fail to understand is that she made it clear at one point I was the only one that still had feelings. Not ashamed of that, but now I don't have feelings for her and she still isn't sure we can be friends?

    While dating she taught me so much. Like self care, and how to generally be happy. I've grown so much in the past few months with her and with out her and it kills me to think I'm going to lose her completely. I accept the fact that we can't become lovers again but being friends would be so much better than not having her in my life at all.

    I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe just some reading some thoughts on this would help me.

    The Answer
    She gets to decide if she wants to hang out or not. It's okay if you don't have feelings, and she thinks you do. Even if she is wrong, she still gets to decide if she is interested in a friendship.

    Do yourself a favour and just respect what her choice is. Tell her the truth, but don't argue with whatever decision she feels is best for her. That's what a friend would do.

    Friendships take on all shapes and sizes. Being 'not friends' is a moment in time. It doesn't have to last forever. The best way to lay a foundation so you can friends in the future, is to show her the respect you'd show a friend and let her decide when she is ready to take the friendship any further.

    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    my boyfriend I been with for over 3 years now and I cant stand his dad his dad is a bad influence and is a cheater and my boyfriend acts different and wants to fight me when he hangs around or talks to him when he don't talk or see him he acts normal and nice to me I don't know what's wrong

    The Answer
    First off, if your boyfriend is a minor living with his father, than basic humanity is going to require he speak to his father. It would be pointlessly rude and nearly impossible to give a parent the silent treatment.

    Secondly, this is an utterly unfair and unjustifiable thing to even consider asking your boyfriend to do! That's his dad. You don't get to make ultimatums about his relationship with his dad. You have no right to even imagine you are entitled to do that.

    If his father is abusive towards him, or makes his life worse, than by all means advise your boyfriend to get some distance from a toxic person, but that is father, and his choice to make. Not yours.

    If any person I ever dated asked me, or expected me, to cut a family member out of my life, I would dump that person on the spot. That is so disrespectful.

    If your boyfriend acts differently after speaking to his dad, then talking to your boyfriend about your boyfriend's behaviour. By all means ask to be treated the way you would like to be treated. By all means, point out to your boyfriend how you see his attitude change after he has spoken to his father.

    But instead of making the absolutely, 100% inappropriate suggestion that he end his relationship with a parent, show some concern for your boyfriend! Ask him how being with his father makes him feel. Ask him if he wants to talk about it, or needs help. Suggest other people he might reach out to for support when his dad upsets him!

    Stop. Absolutely Stop. Thinking that the only problem here is your feelings. If your boyfriend is going through a transformation like that when he deals with a difficult family member, then he needs your sympathy, your respect and your support, not your absurdly unreasonable demand that he reject that family member.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I swear I'm not bragging, or saying I'm better than her at all. I'm not being conceited at all!! I just need some help..

    My friend.. Lets call her "B". She enjoys singing, drawing and playing the guitar. The problem is.. She's not very good. She can play guitar good, but she messes up a lot and she thinks she can write songs, but the chords don't mix together well. She can't sing low notes at all and she knows it, the thing is whenever I have the radio on, she likes to add her own high notes and they don't sound good. She doesn't sing very well and I know she's envious of our friend "R" and she does try to be like her.

    Drawing.. I don't like being cocky or vain at all.. Honestly I don't understand how people can do that. I do draw better than "B" because I've been practicing longer. I draw realistic things, "B" draws anime type of things. She's not very good. "R" draws better than me.. But I just want to know what to do when she asks what I think.

    I don't want to hurt her feelings.

    The Answer
    Don't say anything. It's not nice, and it's not necessary.

    You aren't her teacher. You aren't a professional critic. She's not asking you to pay $100 to hear or play or buy her art. She's your friend, so be a friend. If you had good advice to offer her, offer her that advice, but stop being so judgemental and assuming your opinion is vital to her. Stop assuming she is dumb, or petty, or jealous. Those are nice things to think about another person. If you think those things are true of her, then maybe you shouldn't be her friend.

    But if she is otherwise a nice person and you enjoy her friendship, then you need to put a bit of extra effort into being friendly.

    When she asks what you think, give her pointers or advice, not insults. It's not that hard to not be mean. If you stop letting yourself think such mean and judgey things, you'll have more space in your brain for kind, constructive advice.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Hi there. I'm in a long distance relationship and this past Valentines I had sent photos and videos. Very tasteful. Anyways he said he would call me. And he never did. He did send me a video wishing me a Happy Valentine's and he loves me and blah. He liked all my photos on Instagram also which was nice. However. He never did call me like he promised. And since that video Saturday night. He hasn't texted or anything. He has been on his pages and his Instagram and all that. But hasn't said a peep to me. Should I wait on him to message me? Or take this as a hint that he doesn't want to be with me...?
    Or go on a limb and just assume he hasn't had time to text me? Seriously. He logs in his Instagram several times a day. Yet doesn't have time to text me..
    How or what do I do? I can't send another message or anything.....
    Any ideas?

    The Answer
    He's just not that into you.

    If your boyfriend hasn't bothered to contact you in several days, including not calling when he said he would on Valentines, than you should ask yourself whether or not he is good boyfriend material.

    Also, you need to assume he probably not that into you.

    It's not reasonable to expect a person in a long distance relationship to contact you every single day or text back immediately, every single time. People have to live their lives. But it is reasonable to expect someone to keep their word and contact you when they said they were going to.

    You COULD send another message. There is no law against it. If I were you, I'd be asking him very directly if he is all right, because he didn't call when he said he would, or since then, and surely something must be really wrong, because he wouldn't be so rude and inconsiderate unless he had a decent reason - right?
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Can someone please explain to me what's abusive about Fifty Shades of Grey.

    I'm a soon to be 24 year-old woman who is highly turned on by the type of material in the book. Although I have never engaged in BDSM, I love it when my boyfriend dominates me, and I fantasize about engaging in the activity.

    Is BDSM abusive? Is there something wrong with me thinking so highly in allowing my boyfriend who I trust to dominate me?

    Will I allow my relationship to become dangerous if I tell him to engage in this kind of behavior?

    The Answer
    There is nothing wrong with consensual sexual acts between two adults.

    50 Shades of Grey is a piece of fiction, and if you found it sexy, that fine. It's okay to enjoy fiction that presents unhealthy relationships, but it is important to realize that the book presents a situation of abuse, because many of the activities are not consensual, and often, utterly criminal.

    It's not the stuff in the bedroom that is most problematic or the most clear example of abuse in that book. It's the stuff going on around the sex that makes it clearly, unquestionably abusive.

    Christian is constantly manipulative. He is upset by Ana speaking with a male friend, even before they are couple in any way. He traces her phone when she declines to tell him where she is. He shows up outside her home, but she never told him where she lived. None of that is romantic, most of that is criminal.
    He makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement about their relationship, which is a purely a way of threatening her so she feels unable to reach out to her family or friends about concerns about the relationship. He engages in many other acts to cut her off from other friends and family members who care for her.
    When Ana tells him that she found some of their sex acts made her feel abused, he tells her to get over it, because that's what other woman have done for him.
    He makes one set of rules for her, and another for himself. For example, he is allowed to dump her whenever he likes, but she cannot break off their relationship unless he gives her permission to do so.
    He also accesses her bank account without her permission.

    That's without even mentioning all the brutally clear threats of physical assault, or the number of times he forces past a clearly stated "No" and physically forces her to have sex anyways, or even the time he has sex with her, without her consent, while she is passed out.

    50 Shades of Grey paints the portrait of a stalker, who constantly manipulates his prey, engages in criminal acts of stalking, privacy invasion and rape, and also regularly threatens her with physical assault, even public physical assault where he tells her that no one will come to their aid.

    Imagine your friend told you a man was behaving that way - Would you tell her not to worry, that is sounded sexy? No. Of course not. You'd be terrified for her safety. You'd hug her while begging her to file a police report.

    There are lots of reasons why we, culturally, find these stories compelling, even sexy, and there is nothing wrong with finding a STORY sexy, but it is important to remember that they are only sexy when they are stories, the moment this sort of shit becomes REALITY, it's just WRONG. It's abuse and it's criminal.

    Some people who like BDSM are also abusers. Not everyone who enjoys BDSM will abuse a partner, but some will, because some people are just abusers regardless of what sex acts they like.

    If your boyfriend isn't a manipulative stalker and abuser, then he still wont be that even if you enjoy BDSM together.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I'm pissed as I can be. I'm wondering if I'm wrong.
    I'm a woman in love with a guy. He says he loves me too. Blah blah.
    Anyways he gets sexy photos from me and all. But his page is covered with photos of nearly naked women.
    He recently followed on his Instagram a page of girls sending private selfies. He also follows porn stars and of course my Instagram is covered with these photos. I've confronted him about this and he tells me to stop being jealous because they are other beautiful women in the world and he can look all he wants. And I can't say or do anything... It pisses me off. I don't think that this right. Especially since we are talking about getting married.
    Let me ask. Am I paranoid or is he just a lustful idiot? Pardon me. But I think he has a problem. He seems to be getting worse. Everyday my "photos you may like " page are getting more explicit. I'm not happy. Fine. I understand they are pretty girls in the world. But he seems to want more and more of these type of women and he likes to look and look and look. It disgusts me.
    I can't bring it up again. But it bothers me.
    What is it going to be like when we get married? Is he going to sleep with me and then go look at half naked girls on the internet? Looking at close ups of boobs and asses? It bothers me. And I can't do much here. But honestly. I think he has a problem.
    How do I handle this?

    The Answer
    Expecting someone to be 'satisfied with what you send' is unrealistic, however, that doesn't make what he is doing okay.

    The truth is that many, many people desire variety when it comes to sexual arousal. There is no 'enough' you can give a person. It's totally fair for people to want to look at other people sexually. Being loyal isn't about never wanting anything but your partner - it's about choosing to be loyal even if you lust after others.

    The real problem with his behavior is that he is doing it publicly, rudely, possibly obsessively to a degree that is harmful to other important things in his life - including your relationship.

    Your best bet, if you really want to marry this guy, is to get some pre-marital counselling and bring it up there. If you do get married, the 'paying for sexual services' becomes a shared financial burden and it's one you can very reasonably object to. Saying 'it's okay to look' is the same as saying 'it's okay to chew gum' but if you are obsessively chewing gum all the mother fucking time, then you are being really rude and have a problem.

    You might also point out what his co-workers, friends and future children might think of this very public sexual obsession of his. Does he think he may be overlooked for work or a promotion because of this? I'll be honest, I look at people's social media platforms when I hire and I would not someone who behaved the way you describe. Many people may, very reasonably, hold a lower opinion of him because of his constant, public obsession with sexual images.

    Finally, you should block him on Instagram. I don't mean that you should ignore this behavior or pretend it's not happening, but if it's upsetting you that much, stop exposing yourself to it.
    (View All Other Answers.)


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