"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.

Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)

    The Question
    My brother is getting serious about a woman who was recently divorced and I just saw on Facebook she still was in a 9 year marriage when they started dating 2 years ago. She and her ex had many young kids; this affair broke up their family. I asked if the ex husband did anything wrong and my brother said no, and the kids love and miss their dad and are clearly hurting.

    Before I saw that on the timeline, I already butted in and said something about the fact that 67% of stepfamilies divorce and how our stepdad and mom were in the 33% who stayed married and it was even more miserable than if they had quit. I wanted him to be prepared for a difficult journey.

    She does not seem equipped for difficulty. She's obsessed with romance and out of touch with reality. She claims to be deeply religious, as her ex husband was also, but my brother is agnostic. They've been dating long distance. She has no job or money and she dresses her kids in designer clothes. She encouraged me and my husband that having a second baby right after we had our son would be "easy because of [our] strong marriage." The newborn stage is never *easy*, and her expectation that it should be struck me as fairy tale nonsense. You can't expect your marriage to fulfill everything for you and not a single one of her choices seems rational. She just quit when she had stronger feelings for my brother.

    I love my marriage, but I see the happiness I get as a gift, not something I'm entitled to every moment, and I think what I put into it is what matters more than what I get out. I don't like to spend time with someone who would quit so easily, because I want to surround myself with people who value commitment over horny teenage-style impulses. The kids are going to suffer further when they move to where they can't see their dad where my brother lives, and I've already voiced my opinion, so it's too late to keep it from being awkward. I know family events are going to be strained because she knows I judge her, and I don't know how to make things better for me because I can't see past them being selfish idiots who cause these kids so much pain.

    The Answer
    You are right, you are being obsessive and judgemental.

    It's one thing to be disappointed in your brother, or worried for him. It's another to be laying this kind of judgement on this woman, and on her children.

    Even if you are completely, and utterly right about her, the only thing you are achieving by letting yourself fixate in this way, is probably going to be isolating your brother from the love you have for him, and making these children - who are going to be part of your extended family - feel more shame and less welcome than they already do.

    Whatever this woman's faults may be. Whatever mistake were made, or are being made. Your judgement doesn't make ANYTHING better. It only makes a world with less love among family members, and less support for those kids. So, suck it up. Not because she deserves it, but because your brother is going to need your support, and those kids will benefit from being warmly embraced by their new extended family. The kids don't need your pity, but they could benefit from your warmth and respect. One of the ways you give that to them, is by respecting, even if you can't possibly agree, the relationship between your brother and this woman.

    If it all goes to shit - and you are right it certainly might - you want to know you were kind to everyone involved, even when they weren't kind to one another.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    My now ex-boyfriend and I just broke up in a very ugly fight. However we had both met each other at the gym. Its been about 2 years since we both go to the gym, about 6 months that we started talking at the gym, and only about 2-3 since we've been going out in a relationship. We are 100% over after he has wronged me but made matter worst by getting mad at me for getting mad at him, and the last thing he ever wrote me was "daddy must of taught you well, hopefully you find another gym." This is a very low blow as my "father" has left us since I was 1 month old, I've seen him a few times in my life (not a person you would want in your life) last I ever saw him was in court. So my ex used this to try and hurt me. He also said "hopefully you find another gym" which kind of sounded like a threat, what do you think?. He used to tell me of his vandalizing stories and he has IED. He even told me he smashed a gym member's car's glass just because the guy had belched and walked between us while we were talking, and because he slammed a weight on the machine the next day near my ex. My ex lives a few blocks from the gym, I live about 8 miles or a few neighborhoods away. This might sound far but the reason is that I love my gym, the members the waterview the free parking. We dont have that in our borough, I have tried many gyms in the past they are all much more horrible yet more expensive. I know I will not like any other gym, probably not go to one. I don't mind running into him at the gym since i would just ignore him, I doubt he will say anything he's more of an action person aka what if a few months down the road he does something to my car? The reason we broke up is because he broke my car driving it in the first place. At times I was thinking to do something to his. I know his car too, and he always parks 2-3 blocks away and not in the gym lot. But then again we both know where we live and usually park, if he wanted to vandalize my car he could look for it in my block as well. Should I let him get to me? Should I change my gym over him? He works in the store right under the gym also. So he would be working hours while I would have my car in the lot. What should I do? Also My gym yearly membership expires in 5 days, if I miss the renewal deadline I will have to pay another $250 sign up fee. I want to continue going to this gym, but will I be comfortable while I am there? What would you do? Thank you.

    The Answer
    In your shoes, I'd probably stop going to that gym.

    You've mentioned some real fears for your physical safety, and for your property. I wouldn't choose to be anywhere near someone I thought might behave that way.

    The other thing you could do is speak to the gym, and ask them about their policy around harassment or vandalism.

    Don't go and commit any crimes yourself - that's a horrible idea. The most important thing to do is stay safe. It might be worth talking to someone in charge at the gym about how they might be able to make sure the gym remains a safe environment for you.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I'm 23/f and I started talking to this new guy (he's 24) and we really connected we joked and there was some major sexual attraction as well. Last weekend we went on our first date and it was awkward of course but he was a perfect gentleman, but at the end of the night there was no kiss. At first I thought, no big deal, maybe he's not as into me as I imagined. Then he later informs me that he wanted to but he was too scared. So then this whole week we were texting back and forth and more and more he'll fall into this kid-like way of talking. Like I'll ask him if he had a good day at work and he'll respond with "Yeah but I'm so seepy now!" Or we'll talk about going out to dinner again and he says "Yeah can't wait to get the food in my tummy I'm hungee!" And if he has talked this way when we first met I wouldn't have tried to start any kind of relationship. I know some girls think thats cute but I'm not one of them. Last night was the nail in the coffin when I said goodnight and he responds with "Yeah I'm going to bed I'm such a sleepy puppy." It seemed like all my attraction just died. He's a sweet guy, but I don't want a puppy, I would like a man. How do I let this guy off easy? I don't want to hurt the puppy.

    The Answer
    Hurt the puppy.

    It's admirable to not want to hurt someone - no good person delights in causing pain - but the best people know that being honest is even more important than being kind.

    There is no magical way to not hurt his feelings. It ALWAYS hurts a person's feelings when someone decides they just aren't into you like that - even if you weren't into them either, it still hurts!

    So, hurt the puppy. Don't go out of your way to make it hurt more, but give yourself permission to do the right thing. Doing the right thing is going hurt him. Be clear, but kind. Be clear first. Then kind.

    Tell him you just aren't feeling the romantic connection. Don't ask to be friends unless you truly wish to be friends. If you are just ready for this to be at an end, tell him that.

    Dragonfly's suspicion that he's 'hiding something' is simply bizarre to me. This is the beginning! If he thought this behaviour was something to hide, he would have hidden it for far longer than a few days! This is probably who he is, and what he thinks is cute. The idea that it means something is up is just weird. The most likely explanation is simply that this is his communication style. If you want to ask him to stop, then go ahead and ask him to stop, but I'd caution against treating him like he's some sort of liar or sicko because of it. This is not a window into is soul, and you are not in any position to psychoanalyze him. It's more than a bit insulting to go making assumptions about someone sexual preferences, gender identity or mental health, based merely on a communication style and the fact he didn't make a move on the first date!

    I wouldn't find this behaviour appealing either - but I'd never go so far as too make those sorts of assumptions about a person. That is unkind.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    What is the fundamental difference in the Scriptures of Judaism and Christianity and Islam ?

    The Answer
    You do not seem to be interested in advice.

    Your notes also seem to be copy and pasted from several different online sources, which is plagiarism and also a bit of a dishonest way to go about framing any discussion.

    Please use Advicenators appropriately. You may ask for advice on how to reach out to people who disagree with you, or to find forums where these sorts of discussion can be ongoing and collaborative, or how to talk to friends and family about the subjects that interest you.

    But asking questions where you present other people's writing as your own, or attempting to persuade people of your point of view on religious subjects, is really not what questions are for.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Why is there a systematic refusal by certain Christian circles to take any account of what the Qur'an had to say on the subject in hand?

    The Answer
    Why is there a systematic refusal by certain Christian circles to take any account of what the Bible had to say on the subject in hand?

    Why is there a systematic refusal by certain Muslim circles to take any account of what the Qur'an had to say on the subject in hand?

    I'm not sure entirely what it argument you are trying to make here, but if you really believe that Christians are any worse than any other religion when it comes to ignoring the inconstancies, irrational claims or obviously immoral acts presented in their holy text, then you aren't paying much attention.

    Every religion does that. Frankly, Muslims and Christians are two of the groups with historically significant sections of sometimes violent individuals, who are completely unwilling to reconcile their personal religious belief with a contextual or critical reading of their scripture, or with basic rational thought.

    What your are describing isn't unique to Christians.
    Lots of people are bigots and/or just unwilling to have their faith challenged in even the smallest ways.
    All Christians are people.
    So it follows that lost of Christians bigots and/or just unwilling to have their faith challenged in even the smallest ways.

    You could substitute the word 'Christian' above for nearly any religion, and say the exact same thing.

    Most people will never examine, or take into account the most obvious ways in which their scriptures are clearly, and utterly wrong. That isn't a Christian problem. That's a human problem.

    You aren't going to make that problem any better by pretending it's a Christian VS Muslim thing. It's not. Both religions have evil, hateful bigots among them. Both the Bible and Qu'arn have plenty of nonsense in them which can be - and has been - used to justify stupid, violent, hateful acts, or just plain old irrational thinking.

    That's not a uniquely Christian problem. That's a human problem. Unless you approach it as a human problem, you aren't going to be able to solve it, because you'll just be reinforcing your own biases and bigotry rather than addressing the problem about how humans, by and large, engage with faith and holy texts in really irrational ways.

    The reasons Muslims currently face a great deal of discrimination are another subject entirely, but the fact that religious people of all stripes are generally unwilling to have the facts challenge their feelings and beliefs when it comes to their faith is a separate issue, and much more long-standing.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I've been with my fiance for two years. We met when I was 17, I'm 20 now and he's 23. I love him a lot and he's my bestfriend as well but I don't really see us being together forever. In fact I don't even see us getting married...ever.

    I feel like right now we both belong together because we're both still young. I'm in college and working part time. I will graduate in 2-3 years and in my field it will be very easy to find a good-high paying job. He's at the start of what might be an okay career path as an assistant manager of a store ( and he's been told he'll be a manager in a year or so) but that doesn't really impress me.

    He's fine with a middle class to upper middle class life but I'm really not. I'm okay with it right now as I'm still young but when I'm 30 I want to be at the start of living an upper-class life and only move up from there. I want the kind of life where I can afford a luxury vehicle like a Tesla, nice house, and be able buy designer labels when and where I'd like. I'm not talking super rich but I'd like to at least be able to afford those things.

    I don't really see him ever having those things as he doesn't think they're important (I obviously do). I also want a big beautiful wedding and I know he's never going to be able to provide that for me and I'm not willing to foot the entire cost. I'd rather be with somebody who can at least split the cost, you know. I'm also not willing to have a tiny cheap wedding. I want the disney princess glam wedding dress not something cheap from a thrift store. :( I want a husband who makes as much as I do or more and has more of the same opinions and tastes in life than my current fiance.

    We have vastly different points of view on everything from our tastes in food to our major life goals and religious beliefs. Right now I'm okay with putting up with all that but I don't want to be with somebody who will never see eye to eye with me for my whole life.

    Is it okay that I'm only with him for right now and I know it?

    I know this is trivial but honestly I also hate my engagement ring. It was like $700 but it's super tiny and I've always dreamed of showing off an engagement ring with a great big diamond in it (even if it's fake). I loved the one I have at first but now a year later I've realized what I really want and it's not this.

    The Answer
    Is it okay that I'm only with him for right now and I know it?

    Or more precisely: Not unless he knows it too.

    Lots of relationships have expiry dates. That's not mean, or inhumane. In lots of relationships both people know that it'll will end when one of them moves, or the semester or the vacation is over. The important part of that is: Both People Know.

    If he doesn't know, then you are using him as object for your own comfort and security. You are being lazy and you are lying to him, and to all your family and friends, about your future together. That's not okay. Actually, that is a pretty monstrously cruel thing to do to another person.

    Here is what is okay: It's okay to know in your heart the relationship is over, but to still need a bit of time to build up the certainty to actually end it. Hopefully, that's the place you are really in right now. Breaking up is hard and sometimes we look for excuses not do it. That's not a great thing, but it is human and it is hard.

    Right now, you know in your heart this relationship is over. You owe it this guy, who asked you to spend your life with him, to not to lie to him about your intentions. Even if you don't love him anymore, as a fellow human being, he is owed that basic truth from you. So stop making excuses, and start preparing for the moment of honesty, because if you are decent person - not a user or monster - that is where this is headed, and the more respectful you are of him, the quicker it's headed that way.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I will try to keep this as together as I can, but I might go off a bit on ordering, and no, this is not by any means short. One of my lovely features is explaining as much as I can for clarification, in some places a bit just to fine point one small topic... sorry ahead of time. I talk a lot ...

    Alright, I will point this out now ... we live far apart from another. Specifically I am in America, and she is in Romania. As you can tell, we've never been in proximity to each other. Now that being said, we have talked nearly every day. How much and the depth of it varies each day. I however start the conversation everyday, which begins to lead to my what I'm .. concerned about.

    She has said ( wrote ) many times , that she does care, for me. She does like me, she does like to talk to me. She likes many things. We have speculated the idea of a ( distance of the long-ness ) relationship ( laugh if you wish ) and whether it'd be plausible. The answer to that is to be determined still...

    Anyway, the thing is, after all she has said, she shows so little of it. You would think if you care for someone enough as you say, you would be on the gun for talking with them, actively sharing your day or thoughts without being asked, or something you can commonly hear two people do, but she does not do anything like that.
    If I don't say anything one day, we won't talk.. most the time ( albeit I never give it more than a day or two because at that point I miss her. Clingy, right? ) Or, it seems almost any little thing she is occupied with, makes her completely indisposed. I know how that sounds.. but I am being fairly serious. I am on a ride or walking somewhere, I think of her, and am fully abled to talk, but it seems almost impossible in her eyes. However that is not always the case, there have been exceptions where she would still talk, like sending a voice message while almost running somewhere, so I guess it sorta makes that point invalid.
    Also, she doesn't like to share a lot of anything that is... I don't want to say "intimate", but anything that just isn't publicly known.. now I can imagine " Well that is her decision you creep ", and yes I agree, but I have shared so much with her, and I didn't think it'd be unreasonable to expect similar from her. She's never told me to stop, or that's enough, she'll read it, or listen, however, if there is ever a point where her input is desired, she doesn't always give it. Sometimes she gives a totally acceptable response, other times though, she kind of just overlooks giving it on stuff. She knows I hate that, and I will ask her what was up with it, but that is when sometimes things will get tense and communicating is scarce, because I can't just sit her down with me and talk, you get upset with another this kind of scenario, you simply don't answer them because you made the person unhappy. Not in all cases where she just goes entirely, she may leave that moment but come back and then I will try to fix it, but sometimes... sort of like now, she avoids communication. In this special case however she has gone to the capital on a trip, so I don't expect a lot of talking from her, I myself would still try to give as much as I could.
    To be perfectly honest, I am fairly certain it was my fault this time, for something petty. What is it you should ask? She said she was going to a club during the nights maybe on her trip ( which contradictory to something else, i will say later), and that bugged me, and my default response ..... made it obvious it rubbed me wrong. After a short spiel on why it did after she asked what, she simply said she was going for her run and that sorta started the communication cut. I've talked to her since then, said sorry, and tried to be cute and say like " take some pictures for me dear, please. " Can I be blamed though for it bugging me, even a little? The girl I care for ( who happens to be very attractive ) is going to a club, with the possibility of being full of horny, hounding guys.. or girls ( ?? ) that may want to hit on her, or more. We aren't in a relationship, so there are no ties from being a couple, but it just doesn't sit right with me. ( guy likes girl, girl likes guy, but still goes to places like that. I don't know what kind of club, but I am going to assume it's not some paradise place that keeps significant others at a peace of mind. ) Now simultaneously, I want her to be happy, have fun, and do what she wants. So, mentally I am at a crossroads, but in the end she is going to do whatever she pleases. I have a fair feeling she actually went the night this was done.
    I said this is contradictory earlier, and that is because one time asking about her, she went on a short spiel on how she says shes a weirdo, and that she doesn't open up to anyone and just surrounds herself with books and no one else. She doesn't like being around others, but goes to a club... there are holes in her logic to me, that makes me question her honesty to me some. Or maybe I just over think it too much. I take this much more serious than what most people probably do.

    I think I can finally start to wrap this up. If only I knew how to write like this in high school... ( bad time for humor? )
    In the end, I care for this girl, I really do, more than I can realize probably, I just want to understand. About her, her thoughts, you know,things you would normally pick up in person I don't have the luxury to find out without asking. And to have the peace of mind knowing when she means something, knowing it's true. knowing they mean it when they say something. I've try to set that standard for myself.

    For about 2 seconds, I pondered the thought that if she saw this, she'd maybe get why I say so much, or ask.. maybe it'd change things.. for the better in a perfect world. But then I remembered how bad of an idea that would be... But she is someone I trust telling anything to, which is a seldom thing, so hiding stuff isn't something I really do with her, you know?

    One last point and I am done, I have this very small worry, that the only reason she said love, is because of her overjoy shortly before that I sent her roses. Yea, I had flowers sent to her, sue me. Apparently they brought tears to her eyes( of joy ), and she was pretty much glowing the rest of that day, overjoyed... and maybe a few days following where she felt overly affectionate, but now it wore off and she doesn't really care as much as she lead on... I hope this part is just wild speculation on my part, but I won't rule it out.

    So, what do you all think, do you think she doesn't care, I'm just there for boredom sake, maybe she really does care, and I just don't have the proper way to always talk to her? Is every issue my fault for over thinking? Is her level of engagement appropriate? Do you think she could step it up, should I lower it? Something else entirely? Did the borg invade? ( Only some will get that... ) I'd like *nice* input on this. Helpful, uplifting, but fair. I think that'd be reasonable. But if the need to be absolutely rude and insulting is for you, then do so I suppose. If there is clear input on maybe how I could bring this up in a fair manner too, that'd be perfect. I want to talk to her about this, but in a way where she will sit and listen, and respond, not leave for few days making me spazz the hell out. Having other's insight on how to do it would be great. I may even try to convince her to a skype call again ( we've only done it twice, but once it has started they have gone well, smiles, laughter, goofyness, things I wish we could do more often. ) and maybe we can talk about it in real time. Sort of putting her on the spot, but it'd work.. That sounds mean I know. And no, I don't intend to actually show her this. Probably. Maybe. We'll see.

    Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and have input. I will say, if your advice is " forget her ", that won't happen.... before this got more serious, I ... actually tried to put a bit of space, and it did not work. Plus, I don't want to honestly. I want a fix, not a quit.

    The Answer
    She's in Romania. Her level of engagement in this is a normal, sane level for two people who are minors, living oceans apart, who don't actually know each other.

    Your engagement with the fantasy that you've built up around her is the unhealthy part. You are treating this like a relationship. She is treating you like someone she cares for, but recognizing that a relationship is literally impossible.

    What you are doing is more like online roleplaying than anything else. There is zero chance that this can be anything like a substantive relationship, for at least several years. As much as she may care about you, her maintaining healthy boundaries is a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do.

    Also, I believe you've mentioned in previous questions that she has a boyfriend in Romania.

    You have crafted a love story in your head and cast her in it. It's a fantasy that has very little basis in fact. You are hurting yourself. You are misleading yourself. She may be imperfect, but the main person driving your confusion and misery forward, is you.

    You are expecting her to perform out your fantasy and calling it unfair when she doesn't. You are calling her mean, when she tries to enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries on your communication, and you are resenting her when she resists your efforts to engage in unhealthy and unrealistic ways.

    Whatever her faults, the person with the power to stop this unrealistic, unsatisfying and fundamentally hurtful situation, is you.

    Stop blaming her because you aren't getting what you want. She can't give you what you want, because what you want is a fantasy you've built up around her, not a possible reality. She's in Romania.

    And stop engaging with her! You clearly cannot be reasonable about the actual nature of your current friendship with her, or respect her utterly sensible boundaries. You have expectations that aren't realistic, and are making yourself miserable. You are right, you probably wont forget about her for quite some time, but forgetting about someone will never happen as long as you continue to behave the way you are. No wound is ever going to heal if you keep on carving it open each day.

    Do what she is doing: Get some space. Make some real connections with people around you. Enjoy your life.

    Her behaviour may not be perfect, but your behaviour is what you can control. You want this friendship and connection to have any chance in the future at all, change your behaviour and change your expectations.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    My boyfriend and I have been going to the same gym for quite some time but just recently (~3 months) started going out. We actually have the same model cars so I let him drive my car while we went somewhere the other day. He offered to drive since I had uncomfortable shoes on. But he was driving so slow I said "if you want you can go fast" but he SLAMMED on the gas to the floor! I said "without killing it" but dont think he heard, thank god the light turned red. Then I drove back but fast too just to show him I can too, I said I go fast too but I do it gradually without strain you see. And he knows I usually drive fast. I leaned on the gas pedal gently slowly building up speed as always. After we're in front of the house boom my car starts overheating, he put antifreeze and it made to the next morning. Next day I get stuck on the highway boiling engine, I bought it to the mechanic. He said leave it 3 days to diagnose.

    I left it, I told my boyfriend hey I think you broke my car and most likely its a head gasket (no joke ~$1000) he said but you drove fast too how do you know i broke it (meanwhile he was the one that floored it with pressure which causes gaskets to blow). I said let me drive your car, and he said "no I feel like something will happen to my car now. I cant let you do that." I said "why..you're the one that broke my car not me, so you don't trust me but I trusted you with my car". I asked what if I did drive your car right now and something happened, he said he would want me to pay half and said I think that's what you want me to do. Later we argued and I said "Maybe I didnt even want to drive your car now, maybe I was just testing you, now I see what i had to." And he got mad he said "oh so you're just playing mind games with me, I hate that sh**, I'm not going to answer and feed your mind games" and for 6 days he still didn't ask or write while I'm living hell. Before I said that he was like "well let me know what the mechanic says", but now nothing!
    Who do you think is at fault for killing the car, who should pay how much if it is a 1000 gasket? I really feel that he should pay at least half but have a feeling he really won't and I'm pretty sure we are through. My mechanic will call pretty soon and I dont know what to do or say. I've been sick and nauseous for days over emotional distress. Please help.

    The Answer
    Legally, he's not liable.

    There is no way to prove, or to know, if his flooring it directly lead to the problem.

    Just the same way there is no way to prove, or to know, if your driving too fast afterwards, was what actually caused the problem.

    There is also no way to know, or prove, that it wasn't just a random thing that happened for entirely unrelated, or random, reasons.

    It might be kind of him to offer to help, but it's your car and your responsibility. He's not responsible legally, and really, he's barely responsible in any other way, even just emotionally.

    If you are too hurt by what's happened to go on dating him, that's okay. It doesn't need to be 'his fault' for you to decide you don't want to date him anymore. But he also doesn't really owe you any money. If he gives you any, it'd be a gift, not a debt payment.

    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I recently just switched my two adult male cats (one is 1 year 1 month old, the other about 1 year 7 months) over from a dry food to a wet food diet. Previously they had a bowl of dry food that was out all day (so a free feeding diet). Now, I'm feeding them Purina Friskies 100% Complete & Balanced Nutrition for Adult Cats & Kittens and the cans are 5.5 oz each.

    I read online from several reliable sources that they should get around 8oz of canned food a day as they both have a large build (as in they have large bone structures not that they're fat).

    Right now I put out one can in the morning and one night, so 5.5oz twice a day or 11oz in total which is more than the recommended feeding amount. I also give them around 5-10 dental kibbles a day as suggested on the package.

    However they still act like they're absolutely starving and cry around the cans of food and try to find/and get into the treats. What am I doing wrong?

    The Answer
    You probably aren't doing anything wrong.

    Dry food is harder to digest, and like a person filling up by eating bread, it leaves your cats 'feeling' fuller. They might be experiencing more hunger, even though they are getting the nourishment they need.

    They may also simply just be protesting the change. Lots of animals just get cranky when something in their lives change and switching from free-feeding to fixed feeding schedule is a huge change. The best thing you can do for them is hold to really strict schedule. Always feed that at basically the exact same time each day. If what is upsetting them is mostly the change in their schedules, making the expectations really clear about when they will be fed might help control the behavior.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I am 25 and I Broke up with my boyfriend(27) 2 months ago but haven't completely severed the bedroom fun..the relationship ended because he is an alcoholic but Last night I wanted him to release inside of me, he normally pulls out. He did and then did it again 3 more times after that.. He is older than me and we have talked bout having kids. I know having a baby to save a relTionships is a piss poor way to start a family but I don't know if that's what he is thinking. What do i do?

    The Answer
    You start using protection.
    Assuming you aren't, you definitely should be.

    You are right. Having a baby with your alcoholic ex-boyfriend is a incredibly stupid idea! If he thinks that is a good idea, then he might not be a person who is safe to have sex with. Definitely not a person to have unprotected sex with.

    So either start using protection, or stop sleeping with him. It's impossible to know what he is thinking - unless you ask him - but you do know exactly what he DID, and you need to be responsible and safe regardless of what silly thoughts he's got going on.

    Take care of yourself first. Don't take risks.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    We're both 20, I'm female, he's male.

    No judging or lectures please, believe me, I got chewed out by my friends afterwards.

    My brother's girlfriend's younger brother is best friends with four friends that go to my college. So my brother comes up a lot to hang out with them and usually always invites me. I started getting close to one of the guys that live there so he invited me back the next night without my brother so I went with my best friend.

    The next night when we went without my brother, we were all having a good time. One of the roommates was out at the bar, the other one was at the neighbor's and the other two were at home so there was maybe eight of us there. After a few hours, the roommate that was at the neighbor's came home. He has a crush on my best friend and has been trying to hook up with her. So, he got this new fish, right. When he came home from the neighbors, he saw my friend and I there and invited my friend up to his room to see his fish and she knew what he was trying to do and tried to think of a reason to not (she has a boyfriend) but didn't want to be rude so I told her to go and I'll get her in five minutes if she isn't back yet.

    Meanwhile, I'm downstairs with the guy I've been talking to - the roommate that invited my friend and I back - on the couch. He was being very flirty, telling me I'm beautiful and he's glad we went back to next night since my brother was intimidating to him.
    He would lean over and lay his head on my shoulder or run his fingers up my arm, so I rubbed my shoe down his leg, blah blah.

    Then, my friend texted me about five minutes later an sos message so I told the guy I'm talking to to wait and I'll be back. So he waited, I went up to get her and she was pretty upset so I asked what was going on and the guy that was trying to hook up with her started hollering that she's a terrible person and that he lead her on and she shouldn't have done that. So she left upset, saying it'd just be best if she left the house as a whole but I told her to just go downstairs and talk to my guy, he's on the bottom step waiting for me so she went downstairs. She texted me a minute later that he wasn't there so I went down and he wasn't there so I asked the third roommate where he went and he pointed to his room. So I took my friend back to his room and he was on his bed watching netflix, I asked why he went in his room and he said we were taking too long but he asked what happened so she told him and I got mad listening to her talk about him yelling at her so I told her to stay there in his room while I went to talk to him again.

    I went back upstairs to have a friendly conversation with him and it quickly turned into him yelling at me then. That he doesn't even like my friend and I, to leave him alone, that I don't even know him, to leave his house and not come back. So, I got pissed and went back down to my friend. My guy asked if it was all good but I told him that I can't come back (mainly because I just didn't want to see that roommate anymore, not because he kicked me out) and he told me that his opinion isn't the opinion of the whole house, the other three roommates like us so we could go back.

    Later, my friend's boyfriend came to get her and I stayed back in his room. We hooked up (shocker) and we fell asleep cud ding. We didn't have sex, I was on my period but I didn't tell him that so I think he thought I didn't want to have sex with him because it would be awkward to tell him that the first time we're "together" that I was on my period so we just did what allowed. I then left when he fell asleep to go back to my place.

    Now its about two weeks after, he texted me the next day when I texted him to have a good day at work and he said thanks, he was glad I went to his place that night. Now, he won't talk to me. Ignores my texts, doesn't say hi in person.

    What gives? Do you think his roommate talked crap on me and he got mad? Do you think he's mad I didn't have sex with him?

    The Answer
    Well, his roommate is an abusive piece of shit. Let's just be clear about that: There is no excuse for yelling and name-calling because someone didn't want to sleep with you. That is always, 100%, an asshole move.

    As for the guy you have a crush on - it's impossible for us to know how he felt about what happened. But here's the thing: If he is angry with you for supporting your friend after she was treated so terribly by the asshole roommate, then he is also an asshole, and you can count yourself lucky that he is ignoring you now.

    If he's angry that you didn't want to have sex with him - see above. Also asshole, and you can count yourself lucky that he is ignoring you now.

    There is a third option tho, and it's the most likely thing:
    He's just not that into you.

    It sucks, but frankly, that is what is probably going on here. Whatever else might be going on as well, whatever he might have thought about what happened that night, he's also probably just not into you all that much.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I work with this lady in the restaurant all indication that she's single the positive sign that she's attracted is there whenever I talk to her a.k.a boyfriend never comes up but it seems something is holding me back I hear she's gotta boyfriend if you do that is the last thing that I would ever wanna get in the middle I've been in the restaurant for almost 5 years not ones or ever that I have ever dated or hangout so she knows I am real I've learn ."patient .challege. Self control" is a must question is should i ask her out or just let it be I know I am gonna ask her out but the fear of I have a boyfriend just seems to get in the way

    The Answer
    Clearly, you want to ask her out.

    So just do it. If she has a boyfriend (or, if she simply doesn't want to date you) you'll find out quickly.

    I don't know what you are waiting for. You think she might be single, or at least, you think she might be available - so go find out if you are right.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    okay so my bf (n) is bestfriends with this girl (a) and once me and n started dating we got kind of close but then she started getting really clingy to him and whenever he was around me she needed him for something and he would leave me. they had a past of dating on and off like 7 or 8 times. i talked to n about it and he told her to back off a little so she got the impression that i dont like her and that im taking him away from his friends. so i was like u can hang with her whatever i dont care but whenever im around i dont want her to always be there. now she backs off 100% but she totally hates me and wants to like beat me up and is nice and sweet and \"over protective\" over me to my face but then shes going to n like i hate your gf i wanna beat her up shes not worth your time. and i dont know what to do i know he might be exageratting what shes saying a little bit but i have seen some of the messages. today she lied and told him i was breaking up with him. now we are almost 3 months together and all this has happend. a has a new bf like very week and i dont know i think she could be jealous but anyway she told him i was breaking up with him and i forgot to meet him at my locker after school and he thought i was gonna and he was all scared like he did something wrong. so now shes telling lies so he flipped out on her and said exactly \"back off in my relationship its not my fault you cant keep a bf\" and i think shes gonna hate me even more now and i'm scared to talk to her because im like 5\'1 and 102 pounds and shes about the same but her friends are like 6ft and 200 pounds... help

    The Answer
    Rise above and ignore it.

    He clearly can see what she is doing - so it's not like she's fooling him - and he is the only one she is out to fool.

    You don't need to talk to her. You aren't her friend. There is nothing you need to say to her.

    Right now the best thing you can do is relax and let her fuck up her friendship with your boyfriend. She is killing that friendship herself - you don't need to step in. Sympathize and support your boyfriend at this tough time for him, but remind him that someone who makes him hurt like this (and threatens his girlfriend!) is probably not a good person to keep around as a friend.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So I've noticed that my freinds and the kids around me make their love interest their world. I don't understand why they do this. I have a girl freind and I do love her but I realize I can love her without building my world around her. I'm a sophmore in high school! 2 of my really close freinds are dateing and after a week they became convinced they are soul mates, that their getting married and they couldn't live with out eachother(they've been dateing for 3 months now and are my same age). I just dong understand. Is my idea off that we are teenagers and that relationships really are not as serious as people my age think their realationships are. Or am I just completely in the wrong way of thinking here? Please give me your honest oppinons.

    The Answer
    Honestly, as much as it can be annoying to watch your friends behave in this way, some of your friends will STILL be doing that at 30 years old. Most will grow out of it - but not all.

    It's not merely a reflection of their youth, it's also about values and how they approach relationships.

    The more important thing is that both of the people who are in the relationship, are happy and having a good time. It sounds like you and your girlfriend would be miserable if you went around mooning and fantasizing like that! I'm that way too. It would creep me out and/or bore me if I had a relationship where someone was talking about 'soul mates' right off the bat.

    However, this is a case of different strokes for different folks. You are certainly right that your approach is much more realistic, but you should also try to be respectful of other kinds of relationships. If two people are happy to be together, that's great. If they are driving you bat-shit, that is something to share with them as a friend - not because they are wrong - but because they are annoying you enough that it is putting a strain on your friendship.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    In the last year, my family's income was roughly 700k, which was about 500k after taxes. But in reality, my household only made about 180k, because most of the money is actually tied with my parents' S corporation, so that money mainly goes to other investors, and to run the business (including property taxes).

    Would it work against me to say "I do not wish to respond" whenever possible? Or would it help with admissions to say that my parents technically made over 200k, or would that mean they'd expect more out of me, or something? I understand for FAFSA I can't hide anything, but I don't think it's fair I'd be unable to do work study or get financial need scholarships when my family isn't living large or anything. We live like a middle class family, not like an upper middle class or upper class family.

    Would the admissions and financial need people be understanding of my situation? When admissions are "need blind" do they ever look at and/or consider one's income bracket? And would financial aid only consider me for academic scholarships, because of this technicality?

    The numbers may look like a lot but my parents are spendthrift and they've never afforded putting us in private school, or having a family vacation that didn't have something to do with seeing other family members and/or urgent health concerns. Most kids I knew growing had more technology, toys, and etc. than my family did, living on the conservative side, even if they lived in smaller homes, but I think a big part to why my parents don't have a lot of savings is because of a relative's health needs and the money needed to start and operate a new business.

    Would my financial situation affect my admissions at all or will there be added pressure for me to get better grades and extracurriculars than say, a lower income individual with the same stats I have now

    Read more: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=651298#ixzz3Y3El9vy3

    The Answer
    It wont work against you in any long term way, however, in the short term, it might be a irritation to the people who need to document your application, use that information for general demographic reasons, and make you look uncooperative.

    No one is going to have a bloody clue what you wrote on that form when it comes to any expectations about your grades. Seriously, none of your teachers will have access to that information, nor would they have the time to give a shit.

    Really, you should just include it on any form where it's not VERY clearly marked as optional. If you fail to disclose on a form where it's required, that could get you into trouble (it's akin to lying on your resume). If it's a 'need blind', it wont be used in determining your application anyways, it'll just be used to help the university keep data about the nature of applicants. You'll also find many applications have begun to acknowledge students who have a situation like yours and specifically ask what support, if any, you expect from your parents.

    If you don't see that question, you could call financial aid office and talk to them about it. It's not as uncommon as you may think for a students parents to have a rather significant yearly income, but not be contributing to tuition. It's likely a question they have an answer too. That's what that question is REALLY about, not how much your parents make, but how much they will be assisting you financially. My parents didn't make nearly as much as your did, but they saved for my education and paid for nearly my entire tuition. That fact is what disqualified me from a bunch of scholarships, not the amount they made, but the amount of support they were giving me.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I want to know three things:

    1. Is she missing me or thinking about me?
    2. Is there a chance I can get her back?
    3. Why is she acting so mean to me

    My girlfriend left me after two years and 3 months out of nowhere and her reason was "she didn't have feelings anymore" Later on her mom told me that she still loved me, she just needed to be free for right now. Yet she is already interested in another guy and is treating me like a complete stranger. She also threw a bunch of my stuff that I ever gave her away and blocked me from communication (text). Now that I realize the only problem in our relationship was that we were never separated, basically around each other for everyday without giving one ounce of space. People say to me, they don't know why she is going to this extreme and many tell me I treated her amazingly. She is in high school and I'm in college. I just want to keep fighting for this girl because she is special to me and people know that. Thank You for your advice.

    The Answer
    We can't know if she is thinking about you.

    We can't know if there is a chance for you to get back together.

    She's not being mean. She's being 'broken up'. Blocking you and getting rid of gifts is a perfectly normal - not mean - part of a break up. It may hurt your feelings, but it's not her being mean to you; it's her being single.

    You can't fight for her as long as she's decided that she doesn't want to have any contact with you. If she's blocked you, then you actually need to respect that. If you can still email her, or reach out on social media, you could do that, but if she's blocking or ignoring you there as well, then I'm sorry, you just need to make peace with it.

    You can't force her to speak you. You are not entitled to speak to her, if she doesn't want that.

    You don't know that the ONLY problem was that you were always together. That might be the only problem you see, but it doesn't mean it was her only problem. You can't know what problems she felt your relationship had, unless you talk about it, and if she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't have too.

    The best, healthiest thing you can do right now, is to ask your friends to stop gossiping around you! It's mean of them to be sticking their nose in your, and her, life like this. They are only making you more upset and confused. Nothing they say is reliable. Nothing they say can be trusted. The only things that can be trusted are things she says to you - and she is entirely entitled to not speak to you.

    If there is a way you can reach out, that she hasn't blocked, do that, however, part of being broken up is not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling. That's a big part of breaking up. You can't force her to let you in, and you shouldn't be using her friends or family to gossip. You have to get used to not knowing anything except what she tells you.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question

    I want to do the #KylieJennerChallenge but I want to make sure it is safe. Can anybody say for sure? If it isn't safe then how do I get lips like Kylie?

    The Answer
    It is not safe to deliberately bruise yourself to make your lips - temporarily - swell up.

    Have you ever seen someone's lips swell up because they got hit by a soccer ball or punched in the face? That's exactly the same principal. It's the same thing people are doing to their lips, just on purpose. Not only is it not safe, you can risk real damage. You could disfigure yourself for life.

    There isn't a safe way for a young girl to 'get lips like Kylie'. The safe thing to do is look at make up how-tos and explore your own style to get effects you like. You can alter a lot about how your face looks and what people think of you with make up. But actually changing your face will take surgery. Anything else, any other product that promises to make your lips bigger, is doing it either by damaging them enough to make them swell or is simply not doing anything at all. Even those 'bee pollen' products function on that principal. It introduces an irritant that makes your lips swell up, just like the skin swells up around a bee sting.

    It'll never be a good idea, or a safe idea, to deliberately do damage to yourself to look a certain way.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I have a good friend who in recent years has been through a string of emotionally abusive and controlling relationships. She has some communications issues because of it and even some PTSD from the trauma of the physical abuse.

    I came back into her life after we had a fall out years ago over me trying to talk her house out what because a very abusive dysfunctional relationship with a man who was very schizophrenic.

    She was very passive for years with men and friendships and now that i came back a couple years ago and have shown her that she doesnt have to be passive and "doormat" like and that she can demand respect from men and not allow herself to be walked all over. Well its worked really well so far but she ALSO has this problem where she thinks she hears people out in public "talking shit" about her when shes not even completely sure and saying she SWEARS when we do things like go through a drive thru that she heard the cashier call me (the driver) a b-word under her breathe because i asked her to correct something when i didnt hear anything at all.

    She is a person that is very ruled by her emotions and i am not, i feel comfortable in public and dont think or care about what others think or say about me.

    Recently she has started to claim that me or my husband has said something to her that was mean or cruel that we did not in fact say AT ALL during some random conversation way earlier in the day that neither one of us said!

    example: we went out to walk our kids along the beach to get a work out. She had bought a bunch of bananas for the kids to share (she has two boys, i have one) i was in a pleasant mood and glad we were at the time beach, i THOUGHT we had a great time. She passed out the food and i remember playfully copying the kids in fun little voices when they were asking for bananas.

    The next morning i get a harsh text from her early in the AM that she "noticed" that i called her second youngest "a little b word" when he was asking for a banana and that she felt that was wrong and hurtful and she didnt want her kids disrespected"

    Now i woke up to this shocked beyond believe and trying to think back on the day before (which was hard because we did so much during the course of the day) to remember when exactly i would have done this.
    I said i was sorry and that i dont remember saying that and asked her when exactly i said that so that i could think back on what was going on when i supposedly said it and try to see where my head was at when those words were spoken. The problem is that for the moment she says that i uttered these words, it doesnt match with my mood during that part of the day or with what was going on!

    She said she has a problem with speaking up when she hears something because she isnt used to sticking up for herself, and shes a good friend and all but i KNOW i didnt say that and i certainly wouldnt have said that about a young toddler aged child! but shes so sure of it!

    (shes also claimed that my husband has said some insensitive mean things to hear when he did not and i was right there during said conversation and he was fully on her side over the subject matter saying "you shouldnt have to go through this, its unfair" and so on) but she insists that he was NOT on her side and that i dont know what lead up to the conversation (when i DO because i was right there)

    The subject matter during that conversation WAS a very touchy one for her at the time and i ask him not to bring it up period and he did anyway even though he was on her side and she still was crying and screaming at him over it claiming that he was NOT on her side even though i and two over friends heard it and knows what he said....

    how do i handle someone like this?? shes a long time friend (about 15 years).....(((totally lost over this and dont know where else to turn)))

    The Answer
    I'm afraid I don't have great advice.

    If she knows that she sometimes misremembers things, you can at least start there. You can remind her that when she is feeling deeply and intensely about a conversation, that she doesn't always remember it accurately.

    I think the most important thing you can do is stay honest and not give approval of her thoughts that are really not reality based. It's important to acknowledge that yes, she may feel offended or upset, but that no, that isn't what actually took place.

    It's tough, and it might not be enough to save the friendship. She might still end the friendship over these perceived insults, but at least you'll have told her the truth, and hopefully you can help her seek out support for these issues.

    Misremembering is something all human beings do - even healthy ones. We are better are remembering how we felt about something, then about what other people actually did or said. That much is totally normal. Taken the degree she has though, it's obviously destructive. Your best bet it probably to gently ask her questions about her misrememberings, while acknowledging her feelings are real. It's a tough line to walk, and she might not be ready to deal with her own biases and confusions, but it's likely the best thing you can do for her.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    So I had tension with this guy for a while, if a few classes with him and always acted into each other but nothing really ever happened. Then this week he finally admitted he was into me and I said me too and he asked me out. The next day tho we happened to be at the same club and hooked up , which. I wouldn't normally do but since he already asked me out I figured it was okay, now we're speaking casually a bit (it's been like a day since then) but haven't discussed anything. Was it a bad idea to hook up with him first? Does this change things? Shoud I expect that anything will come of this or no? ... On a separate note, he's friends with a lot of guys who I'm really not friends with and don't like being around, frat people and soccer players etc just really not my type, we all know who each other are and had a lot of opportunities to be close and cose not to, is this gobna be an issue for him do you think tht I don't want to be hanging around them all the time or do u think hell be ok with it?

    The Answer
    If you wanna go out with him, set a time and a place and ask him to show up. You just say "Hey, I really want to do X, do you?" and then ask him when. It's really that simple.

    Dates never happen without a time and a place. The best bet is to ALWAYS set a time and place right when someone first asks you out.

    We can't say what he might think or feel about you now, or how much he cares about you being buddies or not with his friends. The only way to get answers to those questions is to get to know him better - start on that by setting a time and place to actually hang out one-on-one!
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I love my boyfriend a lot.. But he has anger problems . And when he gets mad he slaps me or pushes me hard or punches my arm. And he always threatens to leave. How can I get this all to stop? He also calls me names all the time. But he said he loves me. Is it true?

    The Answer
    It doesn't matter if he loves you. If he hits you, he's not ACTING lovingly. He may feel all the love in the world, but he can't stop hitting you, it's doesn't amount to shit.

    Most people who abuse, abuse people they claim to love. Most people don't attack, or rape, or even murder, strangers. Most people who beat up, raped, or murdered, are the victims of people they know very, very well.

    Leave him. He is manipulating you into staying with his threats and put downs. It doesn't matter if he loves you, you deserve better and you are worthy of better. If he can't give that you (and he clearly can't) then you have to go find better with someone else.
    (View All Other Answers.)

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