Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

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    The Question
    In the bottom of my heart I'm a pure christian. I love my God and try my best to respect his commands and follow them, but recently I've wanted to redesign my room. I want to buy a cute little buddah statue and place it next to my candle and amethyst rock which I think would give off a nice vibe. I don't see buddah as a God whatsoever, just another good person who gives advice such as MLK, Gandhi, etc. ect. Just anyone else. I wouldn't dare worship another religion or "god" except my God.
    I just like the vibe it gives honestly, I like the look of the om, the message of Buddah, star of david, and just any other stuff. But thats all I see it as, other stuff to decorate my room with. I just want to know if you think it's bad, i dont think it is really.

    If you do not like my religion at least find the decency to repsect it and be respectful.

    The Answer
    If you only see it as decorative, then it's only decorative.

    Will other people see it as a religious symbol? Yes, absolutely. There are some 500 million Buddhists on this planet. For lots of people, a statue like that is a religious icon, and part of their faith practice and tradition.

    It's also possible that your fellow Christians may judge you negatively for having it.

    It's still entirely up to you what you want to decorate your room with.

    You might, however, take a moment to ask yourself how you would feel if someone took a symbol that had religious importance to you, and used it merely and solely as decoration.

    If it would upset you to see a non-Christian decorating their home with a crucifix or other icon of your faith, wearing rosaries as purely a fashion statement, or using items that are part of your religious service at their dining table on Tuesday nights, then maybe you should offer the symbols of other religions that the same respect you'd want non-Christians to offer the symbols and icons that you have faith in.

    Because you live (I assume) in a western country, you have a luck of being in the Christian majority. That means, you often don't have to stop and ask yourself how it feel if other people appropriated your religious objects and beliefs - not disagreed with you, lots of people may disagree - but not many people take Christian objects and symbols and treat them like they are meaningless, trivial or just for decoration. There are enough Christians, and enough ex-Christians, that we generally take for granted that Christian symbols have meaning, and are worthy of respect.

    You are free to choose to use this symbol in exactly the way you want. It's not a crime and probably no one you know will ever be offended by you using a Buddhist statue in this way, Lots of people do it, but it's still a sort of shitty thing to knowingly and deliberately appropriate a religious icon that you have no faith in, and no appreciation for it beyond how it looks, for your own personal pleasure.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    there is this tutor I work with in the tutoring lab in this community college I went to. She's great and a wonderful person to be around with. She is about 27 and I am 22 and she is engaged, One thing I noticed about her is that she was very touchy feely. , like patting me on the back or shoulder.

    I worked with her for about a year and my class ended in June 2013. In fall of 2013 I attended a university but I saw her around campus ( I already knew she attended there too) when I was going to meet up with a friend recently and chatted with her. I might see her again on April 11th but I am scared when I talk to her it might across that I am flirting or trying to get with her but I really am not since I respect she is taken


    the last time I saw her was on December 13th. I haven't seen her in a while clearly but I may see her again on April 11th.
    I am trying to prepare for the conversation I might have with her. One thing I want to do is make sure she doesn't think I am trying to flirt with her or get with her. How do I make sure not to come across that way in any way? One theory I have is to maybe I have my phone out while talking and glance at it occasionally because surely someone who was flirting would be 100% invested. I have a lot of anxiety and nervousness so that is why I feel I must prepare. The fact that a girl talked to me at all is significant since no way I can talk to girls my self, so if I never see her again, I can likely never have any sort of female companion for a long time

    The Answer
    You need to see a therapist.
    This all the advice you are getting from me from here on out.

    You have asked a dozen questions on the subject of this engaged woman since October. In each question, you've added (and left out) information and parts of the story, in what seems like an effort to make your behaviour appear less obsessive and problematic than it is.

    I'm glad that you now recognize how utterly wrong it would be to attempt to interfere in her relationship - but I remember very well that you didn't always recognize that - and you used to defend very strongly what you believed was your right to try and break up her and her fiancee.

    However, you clearly are still have some disordered thinking since the statement ..."if I never see her again, I can likely never have any sort of female companion for a long time" is completely false. She is not currently your female companion in any way. You haven't had contact with her in months. She was a tutor you worked with that you had a passing friendship with, and who you have obsessed over to an unhealthy degree since then.

    I'm sure you are genuinely anxious about speaking to her however, talking to this woman is not going to address your general problems with anxiety and nervousness, or with your fixations and obsessions.

    Your problems need to be addressed by a mental health professional. You don't need to live with these sorts of fixations, fantasies and anxieties, but in order to address them properly, you need to work one-on-one with a pro, and be honest with that pro. Coming here, over and over and over again, to ask basically the same question and try to alter the outcome and get the advice you most want to hear, isn't going to help you.

    You don't need friendly advice from a stranger.
    You need professional psychological assistance.
    Please go get that.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I'm adopting a black domestic short-hair kitten from a nearby rescue, and I was wondering if I should get one or two of them. We have two kids who should be mature enough to care for a pet, and a medium-sized house. I'm a stay-at-home parent, so the kitten(s) wouldn't be alone too much. We already have a kitten picked out (short black fur with a white patch on her neck), and are planning to name her Kia. So, now we just need to decide if we should get a second kitten. There are five other kittens in the litter (two black boy kittens, two black girl kittens, and a white girl), who all seem to have pretty good bonds with each other. So, should we get another kitten? (We are well aware of the costs of having a cat) If yes, which one should we pick, and what would be a good name? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.

    The Answer
    My suggestion is to ask the people at the rescue.

    Yes, most cats are reasonable independent, but most cats are also more relaxed and more affectionate to their humans when they have a cat-companion. So if money is no object, I'd default to getting two.

    As for which two, ask the rescue people. They'll have a sense of the kitten's attitudes and who would make the best partner for the kitten you've already chosen.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I have been on/off with my current boyfriend for about a year and i always told him i have feelings for him, even when i had a boyfriend at the time, i just wanted him. By the end of that year we got together and he disappeared for a week or so, no calls no texts and picks up after many calls very coldly.
    I started seeing someone else and then he started apologizing to me, I said OK but i was never ok, because I have trust and intimacy issues and then i told him im seeing someone else, but he said i had to choose, n i chose him. I met the other guy and we had a stupid quicky, never happened again, i tried to actually be with the other guy but i loved number one too much and i really fell for him.
    all this was at the first month and a half of our relationship, and 4months in i told him something and it took us to me telling him about the whole thing.
    I am trying now after 4months since i have done my cheating (which i would like to say a stupid mistake) to gain his trust and help him overcome this.
    But ii want to know, from all of you, when you have serious and major trust issues, due to a history of abuse for more than 15yrs, does that really make you a cheater, like what i did.

    All i was trying to do was to be fair to myself and assertive, as men always get a piece of me for nothing, and i was trying to just protect myself and be safe, i did wrong.

    The Answer
    Well, yes, if there was an understanding that you wouldn't have sexual contact with another person, but you did, that's called cheating.

    Do your trust issues or past mean you are doomed to be a cheater? No. Of course not. You made a mistake. It was a bad choice. I don't think you should trying and rationalize it like you did it to be safe or assertive, because what actually would have been assertive was being direct and honest with everyone involved and that isn't what you did. You lied because you were confused and didn't want to be held responsible for your mistakes. That's not protecting yourself, that denying responsibility for your own choices.

    But you are perfectly capable of making good choices in the future. Don't make excuses for the past, just keep doing better moving forward.
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    The Question
    21/f I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now with no problems, except my boyfriend's crazy cousin. At the beginning of our relationship we got close, then she became a little crazy and always seems to have a problem. Long story short I drifted away from her a bit after a few freak outs she had on me for no reason; now it's extremely uncomfortable to be around her since we don't talk as much. Recently she invited my boyfriend out to a party in front of me and didn't mention inviting me at all, something she would have talked to me about had we been closer like before. It really upsets me, and my boyfriend agrees she's very rude. Should I talk to him about confronting her behavior? Or have him say something to her? She's just blatantly rude to me. Thanks!

    The Answer
    I can understand why this is eating at you, but given what little you've wrote here, it seems like you are blowing this a bit out of proportion.

    Yes, she sounds very rude, but rudeness like that is best addressed in the moment. Either you, or your boyfriend can point out calmly that it was rude to invite only him, right in front of you.

    'Confronting' her long after the fact is not necessary, or particularly useful behaviour. Clearly, you are no longer her friend and are not interested in being her friend, so a confrontation or discussion isn't needed. There is no friendship with her to fix or improve. If you simply need her to be less rude, the best thing you can do is point it out when she does it. Don't drag up all your past negative experiences. It's clear you've got a lot of baggage between you two. Just tell her "Hey, that was rude." and be done with it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    So my ex and I only dated a few days. He was too clingy and I didn't feel anything, so we ended it almost 2 weeks ago. Well I decided to change my number because he had it and I didn't want him texting me. Well today (Which is Tuesday), I logged in onto my old account to get one of my friend's numbers and I saw that he left me a voicemail that was sent on Thursday. It was just something random but like still, I don't really want to be in contact with him really. And earlier today, he asked me why I haven't talked to him recently and I just said "Well we're done"... And he said something like "I think you're lieing and that you cheated" and then I kinda just walked away. If he talks to me again, should I just tell him to like leave me alone? It might sound rude but honestly he's not getting the message that I don't want to talk to him. Advice please ASAP thank you :)

    The Answer
    Have you told him to leave you alone completely?

    You are right: He's not getting the message. So why not just tell him the message, rather than hoping he'll figure it out on his own.

    Obviously, this guy has some issues and I don't blame you for not wanting to have any contact with him, but the best way to stand up for you want is to state clearly what it is you want.

    Stop worrying about being 'rude' or being 'mean'. You need to be clear. That's what is important.

    So if he speak to you again, tell him you don't want to talk to him. If he accuses you, calls you names, or otherwise acts like a nut, don't engage with him and don't take the bait. Either remove yourself entirely from the situation, or just repeat: I don't want anything to do with you.

    If he still isn't getting the message, get an adult involved. Once you've told him clearly to leave you entirely alone, if he doesn't, you need an adult to explain to him what an ass he is being.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am involved with a married man (or was, or is?). Last week we spent two days together. On the second day, he told me it was over. He couldn't see me again, he hated the fact he was cheating on his wife, and it was killing him inside. We held each other and cried and said our Goodbye's. I felt as if the world came crashing down on me. I told him how sorry I was that we got involved in something that was against both our morals. He said he wanted to remain friends but we had to stop our flirting, texts, and messages.

    The weekend went by and I barely ate or slept. Today he calls me (we work for the same department, different locations) and tells me he's not sure he's done with me yet. That he just wants an extended break. Why did he change his mind?

    Some back story (without going in too far). I am married also. We started out as friends, talking back and forth at work to resolve the same problems. We are both over forty, with children, he loves his wife, I am with my husband because I am too afraid to be on my own (not financially, just physically alone). This is both our first, on cheating on our spouses. I've done massive research on why people have affairs, what happens in an affair, how does an affair end. I know that women believe they're in love, when they are really not (thanks to hormones!) and for men it's a break from the obligations of married life.

    My problem is, now I'm in it, blind and dumb, but we click on so many levels (more than just sex). Why didn't he just end it and be done, why do you think he changed his mind?

    Before you reply to my question, I know I am wrong, I know he is wrong. We are two selfish individuals, I deserve this, we are going to hell, etc. Try to refrain from putting me down more than I already do.

    The Answer
    So he realized he was treating both his wife, and you, like utter crap and just couldn't live with being that much of an asshole - for less than a week - then he decided that what the hell, he lived with it this long, why not a while longer.

    See, in a normal relationship, I could tell you to just ask him why he changed his mind, but when it comes to an affair, there is no reason to believe he'd tell you the truth, and every reason to believe he'd tell you whatever he feels you want to hear. Your relationship is based on dishonesty to others - it's very, very unlikely that the two of you tell each other the whole truth.

    So you can't know why he changed him mind, not really. You probably never will.

    I think all your 'research' is hurting you, not helping you, at this point. You are using other people's stories and information as a way to escape from the personal reality of your life and choices. You should stop that.

    Get your ass into therapy and talk about you. You have a problem and you know it. This guy is going to keep yanking you around until you figure out why you allow it - and you wont find that answer in a text book, in studies and data, or in generalizations. You will find that answer when you start to work on yourself.
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    The Question
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. Today is my 23rd birthday and he didn't even get me anything. I don't even want much just something to feel special but no. We have a long distance relationship and I had a party Saturday that he wasn't able to come to because he couldn't afford the 500$ ticket but he was able to go out that night and spend over 100$ on drinks. He told me he feels like an awful boyfriend but then today on my birthday he tells me he's going to the casino on Thursday... So I'm guessing he doesn't feel that awful. On his birthday I made a huge deal I sent him a care package, visited him, and bought dinner and some other things for dessert. But he can't even send a card or anything. Am I just over thinking this and being a brat? Or is it time to rethink my involvement in this one sided relationship

    The Answer
    You aren't over thinking or being a brat.

    However, if your relationship is feeling one-sided, the first thing you have to do is speak up. If he said he felt awful, and you said anything like "It's okay baby." then you aren't helping either of you.

    It's a thing a lot of women do - a thing we are encouraged to do - not speak up when our partner genuinely hurt us.

    If my partner did what yours did and then said he felt like an awful boyfriend, my response would be "Good. I'm glad to know you regret this 'cause you really screwed up and I'm angry and hurt!"

    It's scary to have a fight. It's scary to stand up for what you want and risk someone else saying no. But you have to do it or you end up sticking it out with someone who either doesn't know what you want, doesn't care, or can't give it to you (or, all the above).

    If you bring this up, directly, you might find that what he really wants is out of this relationship and that he is just too much a of a shitty little coward to be honest with you, but you can still be the bigger, better person and be honest with him: He fucked up. You didn't need him to buy you diamonds, but you needed some basic respect and he didn't even show that.

    Get mad. If you need someone's persmission, you have mine. Get mad. It's the truth, and it's the only thing that is going to help you let him know what the standards are. If he can't, or doesn't want to met the most basic standard of "put a little bit of effort in on my birthday" then dump him.
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    The Question
    I heard on the news when my dad was watching that a "puppy mill" was busted in our town. What does that even mean?

    The Answer
    A puppy mill describes an abusive, irresponsible and illegal breeding operation. Dogs are kept in horrible conditions, bread constantly, and puppies are sold to pet stores, or online, where people will pay the most, and wont ask too many questions.

    Because of this, the puppies often have health issues, and the parents of the those puppies live horrible lives. Some puppy mills will have hundreds of dogs keep in small, filthy cages. It's all about profit. They don't care about the dogs at all.

    If there was a puppy mill in your town, your animal rescue or human society will have a influx of animals in desperate need of medical care, and maybe of homes. If you can donate any money to the people trying to help these dogs I'm sure it would be very helpful.
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    The Question
    Me and my boyfriend have just started dating, and he already wants a kid. I am 17 and he is 18, I love kids, BUT I'm not 100% I'm ready. I am a girl to likes to go out and have fun. Any suggestions on how to handle it?

    The Answer
    He wants kids NOW? While you are teens, and only just got together?
    Or he wants kids at some point?

    If he wants kids NOW, at the beginning of a relationship between a 17 year old and an 18 year old - dump him.
    He is either too stupid to have sex with, or he thinks if he gets your pregnant, he can bind you to him and own you.

    I'm sorry to be so harsh, I really am, but an 18 year old (of any gender) who is putting any pressure on a 17 year old (of any gender) to have a baby right now, is someone you run screaming from. At best, they have no idea what parenthood really entails and no aspirations or plans for their life beyond parenthood. At worse, they are seeking false intimacy, or to control and isolate their partner by impregnating (or getting impregnated) by them.

    If he wants kids at some point in the future, and you are also open to have kids someday, then you don't really have a problem you need to handle at all. You've got years to figure out what works for you both. But if he wants kids now - run. Run far and run fast. That is a HUGE warning sign.
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    The Question
    This sounds stupid even writing only I should know the answer but here I am anyways. I am recently getting divorced I have been separated going on 9 months there are no feelings for my ex our marriage ended way before that. I started going on a dating website site because I had moved to another state where I did not know anyone. I did meet a guy we've been talking for several months since November he quit his job in December just started working again a few days because I told him I'd leave him if he didn't find a job we'd go out I'd pay for everything he'd run around to some stores with me ask me for money he was asking me to buy him cigarettes until I told him no. He is very sarcastic. In return I role my eyes I've tried breaking up with him several times he begs me to stay not leave him he wants to be there for me and my kids be a father figure for my kids. I tend to look at other guys. Think their cute which I'd never do before because I find it being unfaithful.. I'm just looking for advice

    The Answer
    You know the answer. He's not looking to be an equal partner and a co-parent. He wants you to be his mommy.

    And you aren't happy with him. You want someone else. End it and go find someone else.
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    The Question
    There's a guy that lives in the same dorm that I live in, he'll be Brandon. We talk and hang out a sufficient amount of time but not a lot that we are annoying about it. I've always thought that he was handsome but had never told him or tried anything because he has a girlfriend. The relationship they have is weird, though, due to the fact that they both cheat on each other so often. I think they're only together for security, just to always know they have someone there.

    However, Saturday night, my best friend invited us to a party at his house so Brandon and I went. When we first got there, we were standing in the kitchen talking and these scantily clad girls were getting a bottle out of the fridge and he had said something to the effect of, "ooh, look over there" and his roommate gave him a look and left so after he left, Brandon looked at me and told me that he thought the bottle was cool looking and that's what he was telling his roommate to look at, not the girls. Then, I was in the living room with my girls and he came in, grabbed my hand and told me he and I were going to play pong, I told him I'm not very good at pong but my friend that invited us is and he told me he doesn't care, he wants me. So we played and when we finished, I sat on the couch and was going to take a snapchat, he saw and came and sat next to me, put his arm around me, got in my snapchat and then still kept his arm there. Then he told me he has to go to the bathroom but didn't know where it was at so I took him there and as soon as I got off the couch and held his hand to guide him through the masses of people, everyone started hollering (which I later found out from my friend, that invited us, that his friends do that when they think people are going to have sex). After he went to the bathroom, I could tell he had too much to drink so I told him to sit for a while and take a break. I took his cup from him and set it on the table behind me while he sat in the chair, I went to sit on the arm of the chair. He got so irrationally angry that I took his cup so he started punching the floor, his roommate tried to calm him down to tell him he was just taking a little breather and that didn't work so I grabbed his face and told him that everything was okay and it'll all be good in a few minutes and he calmed down almost immediately. He pulled me to sit on his lap after that and asked what I wanted to do while he was taking his break and I told him we can do whatever he wants since he was actually listening and taking a break. He looked at me and said "well, I want to do this" and he pulled me in and we started to make out. After a few minutes, he had my bra unhooked and he kept asking me to go back to the dorm. I told him this shouldn't even be happening because he has a girlfriend. He said "fuck my girlfriend, she's cheated on me so many times and I've cheated on her so many times. Let's forget about my girlfriend." We made out a little more and I thought it was ample time that he waited for another drink so I got off of him and told him to go get one and he said he didn't need it anymore, grabbed my hand and pulled me back on him. We made out for about ten more minutes until my friend started going through an existential issue so I got off of him to be with her and by the time I got back, his roommate said he was outside smoking and then he was gonna head back.

    The next morning, his roommate was hanging out with my roommate and she asked how he was doing and his roommate said every time they wake up from the morning after a party, he says how much he regrets the previous night's happenings then tells his girlfriend that he cheated. His roommate said when he woke up he told him that he didn't want to tell his girlfriend about me and he'll just keep this one to himself. Which made me think that he regret it and everything but his roommate told my roommate that he never once said that he regret anything that happened between us.

    That morning, I had work (I work for housing at my college, so I sit at a desk and help residents in our dorm lobby) so he sat in the lobby with me and we hung out and talked like normal. After my shift was done, Brandon, his roommate, my roommate and I all went to the diner for breakfast and he and I sat together on one side and our roommates sat on the other and he and I sat pretty close the whole time.

    Before the party, we would only message each other on facebook. Today, he was out of building and I messaged him and he said "why did I never give you my number before? Here, just text me." I always felt like I was bothering him, messaging him first on facebook all the time but I don't think I was a bother to him now, since he gave me his number to talk to him on.

    Finally, I have talked to every girlfriend of mine and told them everything and all of them said that he likes me and that's why he isn't telling his girlfriend about me.

    So, my question for you is: why do you think he didn't tell his girlfriend about me even though he told her when he cheat every other time? I don't know his girlfriend so that wouldn't be an issue or anything. We're both fine, it isn't awkward or anything and we've even joked to each other about it happening but neither of us regret it so I think, deep down, even though we were both pretty drunk, that we wanted it to happen. I just don't know why he didn't tell her.

    This is, indeed, a more in depth question to a previous one.

    Thank you!

    The Answer
    It may be nice to believe that he's not telling his girlfriend because he likes you, but it's just as likely, if not more likely, that is sick of fighting with her or that he doesn't want to loose your friendship by making a big deal out of a drunken make-out session or simply because you don't know her, he doesn't feel he's at risk of getting caught in the lie!

    That's just as likely. So you really should stop giving preference to the theories that your prefer. Of course your friends think it means he likes you! That's WAY more interesting then shrugging your shoulders and thinking "Well, he's a cheater. So we already know he's a liar, maybe he's just decided to lie about this too now?"

    So he didn't tell her. He also didn't break up with her - just the exact same way they haven't broke up, or stayed broken up, when one of them has cheated in the past. You see, they have agreement. They have an agreement where one of them cheats, maybe they talk about it maybe they don't, maybe they fight and yell, maybe they break up and then get back together, and then they do the exact same thing all over again. You can say it's just for security, or it's just for the sex, or it's just out of habit. Whatever the reason, that's the deal they've got with one another.

    They might not acknowledge aloud that this is just the agreement they have, but clearly, it is. And nothing about making out with you, has apparently changed that at all.

    It's nice to think that him not telling his girlfriend about it is such a big fucking change for him - but it's probably not. Hell, it's even, very, very likely that he's kept other cheating events secret too and that he just feels better about claiming that he always comes clean to her. I mean, how could you believe him if he said this is the only time he hasn't told her? I couldn't trust that was true if I were you, not completely.

    Maybe he did want it to happen, but that doesn't mean he wants to break up with his girlfriend, it doesn't mean he wants to magically turn into a trustworthy and loyal person either.

    I appreciate that you are hung on him, but you have to recognize this for what it really is: He got - at least some - of what he wanted from you, and since he thinks you are cool with that, there is no reason at all for him to change anything about his choices or his life or make himself uncomfortable at all by telling the girlfriend.

    Maybe he does like you, but if he only likes you enough to drinkenly make up with you and lie to his girlfriend about, that's actually not very much like at all.
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    The Question
    I have a paper due in five weeks for my Globalization and Development class. The object of the paper is to talk about a group in a developing country and describe the struggles they face. Such as.. The Hutus and the Tutsis.. Women in Arab countries that have to cover every inch of skin. I wrote about child brides and talked about the struggles these girls face and how they are being stripped of their lives at a young age. However, when she gave me back my first draft, she told me that I was talking about a social problem and not a group. So, if any of you could help me out in picking a group to write about that would fall into three of these nine categories: of gender, ageism, marxist, modernization, dependency, imperialism, nationalism, economic development or globalization... that would be stellar.

    Thank you so much!

    The Answer
    Don't you think it would be easier to just find a group that has a particularly bad child bride issue? Child brides are clearly a gender issue, as well as often a nationalist issue, and are often argued for as reaction against Western imperialism.

    Niger has the worst record on the planet for child brides, despite the fact the government has tried to create some laws against it, they have been protested against as being anti-Islamic and are basically ignored. A combination of culture, poverty, and religion results in over 30% of female get married before they are 15, and 75% before they are 18.

    If you need a 'group', I'd ask your teacher if the hundreds of thousands Nigerian women forced to marry before eighteen qualifies as a group.
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    The Question
    I am 21/f,from India, i had a relation in my past,but my ex tortured me mentally and physically and forcefully do sex with me.so i ended with him.after that i met my present boyfriend,started to love him.but because of my shameful past,i feel ashmed to tell him about my past affair.and i lied to him.but 9month ago my bf came to know about my past and asked about it and i told him everything.but now he feels that i used him,i deceived him,all the time he talking about my past give me no respects.he thinks that i am not a good girl or have any quality to be with him because i am not a virgin(we had also sex 2times),but his problem is that i slept with my ex,so i am just worthless for him.he can't understand my problems,my feelings,always drills me with my past and argued with me. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH,i know i was wrong that i lied to him.but am sorry for that.and wants marry him. But he can't forgive me. Plz suggest me something.

    The Answer
    Would he have accepted you had you told him the truth?

    It doesn't sound like he would have to me.

    It sounds like he's has decided that your virginity was the only thing you had that had value to him. That's not love. That's not respect. And that's unlikely to change.

    You can't win back what you lost, not because you lied, but because he cannot respect or love the human being you actually are. He has reduced you to nothing more than then your female body, and has decided that body has no value.

    Leave him. You don't need his forgiveness. You need his respect. No matter how much you love him, he's not going to give you that.
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    The Question
    Hi. just a casual question, if you ever have a few minutes free. Re. an earlier reply (which I estimated VERY highly by the way). Currently intrigued by the idea that mans thought processes, perception and self-perception might be influenced by more than just socio-economic environment/status/background and cultural beliefs. Which I'm perfectly happy with. But also by the earth itself? You mentioned the ancients realising the moon was 'a big deal' and worshipping it (the highest estimation they were capable of?). Getting me to thinking, did the ancients have an intrinsic knowledge and wisdom that has been somewhat 'trampled down' by modern man's insistence that the only true knowledge is that gained through empiricism? Not that their superstitions were true (as such), but they were their way of acknowledging and 'explaining' (to their satisfaction) phenomena they had experienced. A way of staying in harmony with their environment, not intellectually fighting aginst it? I'm sure you've noticed how many of the younger seekers of advice seem drawn to mysticism. esp. fate/destiny. Clinging to an idea that 'everything happens for a reason'. I meet people like this face-to-face all the time too. They deny any formal religion, but overlook that this degree of pre-ordained order would demand the existence a supreme 'architect', an all-powerful 'planner'. Think what it's all coming down to in me is this. The possibility that somehow man circa.2014 is finally (parodoxically) becoming completely alienated by his own man-made world? Agree..totally refute..examples for or against? I appreciate 'a solution' is a big ask! You struck me as having a good grip on this, love to hear your thoughts sometime, anytime. CJB

    The Answer
    Since you are asking my opinion, here is is:
    No. People of ancients civilizations did not have any sort of supernatural, intrinsic knowledge that we've now lost because of empiricism.

    They had different knowledge! I grew up on a farm, so I know things about goats and horses and even dogs that other people don't know. A few years ago I broke up a rather nasty dog fight at a dog park in the city. The city folk were shocked that I could do this, but I'd seen enough dogs get into scraps at the farm - it didn't shock me and I knew what to do because I'd observed people around me.

    I have lots of similar experience when ti comes too, butchering chickens, or approaching police horses. I have knowledge about these things not because I'm "more in touch with nature" but because I was exposed to that knowledge in my life by other human beings!

    Ancient humans got their knowledge the exact same way. They watched, and listened, and learned about what they were exposed too. The weather, the behaviour of the environment around them was much more vital to their ability to stay safe and alive than it is to yours and mine, so they talked about it a lot. They developed theories and acquired 'knowledge' some of which was ban on, and some of which was really mistaken.

    Yes, mythology, religion, old-wives tales, where all ways of passing down information populations that were ill-informed and pre-literate. At the times they were created, they were the best tools we had for sharing and remembering important information.

    Humans were no more 'in harmony' with nature than we are today. In fact, people were fighting harder against it, for their survival. It is simply because, as a whole, humanity was weaker, less able to impact the environment, that we modern people look back with rose-tinted glasses and think "Oh they were so much better to the planet back then!"

    Bullshit. They were simply less capable of doing damage to the environment, and far more accustomed than we are now to the environment just fucking decimating them, through natural disaster and illness. People didn't go hungry because they were worried about the ozone layer or thought being mean to animals was wrong, they went hungry, even starved to death en masse, because they didn't have the information, the skill or the technology that would have allowed them to do anything else! Wive-tales, religion and myths weren't capable of expressing, holding or sharing that information the way written language and wide education is.

    There is no solution, because there isn't really a problem as you've articulated it. Pollution and Global Warming are problems. Too much stress and mental illness are problems. Poverty is a problem. But empiricism isn't the 'cause of these problems. We are. If we had the power to bring these problems on ourselves in the year 200, we would have done it then. In the year 2014, we do have the power, so we've faced these problems that are direct result of human - even animal - desires for safety, power, plenty of food, good health and longevity.

    Are we being 'alienated' by our own man-made world? No. We are just having to re-evaluate our actual priorities and needs after having, for the most part in the first world, addressed our most basic needs for health and food. It's a new challenge, and yes, a lot of people have tried to meet the challenge by rejecting 'modernity' and science, but that's just an emotional reaction to the fact that the world, with or without empiricism, is a frighting, dangerous place, and we all die in the end.

    You ask about the idea that "modern man's insistence that the only true knowledge is that gained through empiricism", and frankly, that's a huge overstatement and just not the case. What is true, is that scientific method is the very best way we have ever had to gain knowledge about how the universe actually works. Nothing else holds a candle to it in that regard, but that doesn't mean that if everyone just accepted science tomorrow all our problems would be solved. Science isn't GOD. It's not a solution. Science (and empiricism) are methods. They are ways to approach problems. They are tools. Just like myths and religions were once the best tools we had to understand and share information, just now we have far better, far more actuate tools at our disposal.
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    The Question
    If you are giving oral sex to your man, and cum gets into your mouth, is that dangerous?

    The Answer
    You can catch STIs from oral sex, so in that sense: Yes there is a danger. If your partner (or yourself) has an sexually transmitted illness, the other person is at risk of catching it during oral sex.

    However, if both people are healthy, then oral sex is perfectly safe. There is nothing harmful about getting semen in your mouth, or swallowing it. Some people may not like that, and that's okay, but there is absolutely no danger.

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    The Question
    Yes.. My boyfriend asked for me to have a threesome. This came after he started talking to an old friend of his through Facebook and his friend said that she was a lesbian. I guess my boyfriend got curious and that's when his lesbian friend suggested that he ask me if I would would be willing to it.
    Thing is,I don't have a problem participating in any of that because I am adventurous. I have two problems which I need guidance on..

    1.Should I be concerned about the type of conversations that my boyfriend is conducting through Facebook..? I mean, doesn't that kind of conversation cross the line and constitute cheating to an extent? If it were me and I was having a serious relationship with someone, then any talk about sex would feel like I'm not being true to the person I'm in a relationship with.

    2.What does it mean if he asks for a threesome? Does he maybe think that our sex life has become boring and we need to spice it up, or has he considered cheating on me with someone else just to experience a change?

    I am of the opinion that threesomes could be a sign of an unstable relationship and maybe my boyfriend,in not too many words, is beginning to show me signs of him cheating in future.

    Help me out!

    The Answer
    I don't think talking ABOUT sex is necessarily a betrayal. We all needs friends and safe places to talk about what is going on in our lives - and that includes sex, and our relationship.

    Although those conversations can certainly cross the line - where they become disrespectful to the partner and become a problem - I don't think it's fair to say "You can never talk about sex with anyone but your girlfriend!" What it is fair to say is "You also need to talk to your girlfriend!" and that is exactly what he did here.

    What does it mean that he asked for a threesome? It could mean nothing. It could be as simple as speaking to his lesbian friend made him think that maybe he could do this really cool thing. It could be as simple as the sexual equivalent of hang-gliding - if you saw a chance to do it, you'd at least think about it. It could mean he is bored, or disloyal, but it doesn't have to mean those things. Again, this falls under the "You need to talk." guideline. You need to ask the tough questions (without jumping to the conclusion that he must be looking to betray you) and he needs to offer some reasonable answers about where his head is at and how he's thinking about this.

    Can the desire for a threesome be a sign of an unstable relationship? Hell yes.
    Is it always? Nope.

    Look, when someone opens the door to "Let's talk about sex!" it's the exact opposite of cheating or betrayal, and so far, that is what your boyfriend has done. It's okay to be insecure, and you don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to, but you should respect the fact that you have given no evidence or reason to believe your boyfriend is cheating at all at the moment. He's being your boyfriend when he's talking to you about something that interests him.

    By all means, ask him the tough questions and let him know you are going to need a whole bunch of answers and conversations before this is something you can consider. Let him know that it scarred you a bit and made you worry that he brought this up. Give to him the respect that he is given to you - tell him the truth and keep the conversation between the two of you open.
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    The Question
    Me and now ex, were together for 2 years. However, this past month we haven't been right, I wouldn't say we were even together, the amount of times we broke up in the month. A lot of arguing, I felt I was putting too much effort in and getting little back, I was the one chasing him after we broke up, begging to work things out and the way he were with me was clearly because I was putting effort in, so he felt he didn't need to as I put too much in. However, it's been 2 days since we last spoke, we had an argument and I told him I was going on a date and he told me to never text him again. I want to be in no contact as of today I would say, as I've been checking his profile so it doesn't count as no contact. I'm just wondering though, because I said I was going on a date, maybe he won't come back, he won't text/chase me because of that. I want to build my confidence and patience up, so I don't come off as needy anymore. I'm going to do 30 days of contact, but what happens if he never contacts me again? And what step do I take after the 30 days? Do I try with him after the period is over? My thoughts are luring in my head, I'm thinking if he does message me whilst I'm in no contact and I don't reply, he may think "forget her" and move on himself as I won't be replying. Has anyone got any experiences to share?

    The Answer
    What are you trying to achieve?

    Are you really trying to be single for a while and work on yourself?
    Are you just trying to make this easier on yourself by not Facebook stalking him?
    Are you hoping to make him miss you or to get back together with him?

    Before you decide what you should do, and how you should do it, you have to know what it is you are trying to achieve. It doesn't sound like you really know.

    Frankly, if you are trying to take control of your life, and be a stronger person on your own, you aren't going to achieve that in 30 days. Any decent study or mental health professional will tell you it takes longer to make a substantial, lasting change to your habits and behaviour. The general time thrown out, is 90 days.

    At 30 days, you'll almost definitely still be struggling to adjust to a him-free life. If you were just looking to get his attention in some way by ignoring him then that might be a good length of time, but if you are tying to change your habits, your behaviours and your life, it's not nearly long enough to do that.

    So, you have to ask yourself:
    Are you doing this trying to make him respond in a particular way? To get his attention or to cause him confusion? Because if you are, then it's just petty game-playing.

    Or are you doing this because you really want to change your behaviour? If you are dedicated to breaking these patterns, you'll need more than 30 days. If you are doing this because you are really dedicated to change, then if he does contact you, you need to be direct and let him know that you aren't interested in having any contact with him for the foreseeable future, and that you'll let him know if and when you are.

    If you want to change, you probably shouldn't get back together with him anyways.

    If what you really want is just him back, then don't pretend it's really a No Contact Rule - all you are really trying to do is avoid the pain of thinking of him - instead try to think of what you can do to (respectfully and honestly) let him know what you want from him.
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    The Question
    The entire world is talking about ******* talking Angela! Like, OMG someone posted on Facebook talking Angela is,like,hacked! It must be true! Damon, do all you gullible idiots believe everything? The image in her eyes is an animation affect, an experienced animation artist said so, and it's just a freaking virtual cat people! She has loaded responses! When a dude on YouTube answered her question about pets,“shut up, bitch!" She responded,“bitch? That's not a common pet. What would you feed it?" See! Tell me, what dumb-as-**** people believe in this ****

    The Answer
    Why is this worth so much stress and swearing in your life?

    Hoaxes are designed to take people in, and some people get taken in. Calling people names and freaking out isn't going to make people any smarter - it fact it makes the problem worse - because people are less likely to hear you out when you talk like this.

    There are lots of resources and articles debunking these hoaxes in plain, accessible language. Share those with your friends and encourage them to think critically. Being right isn't worth much if everyone writes you off a name-calling jerk.
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    The Question
    Are hiroscopes real or is it just a state of mind if u believe in them or not

    The Answer
    Horoscopes are really just entertainment. They have no direct relationship with who we are or how we relate to others.

    I could go into all the ways that our the modern 'zodiac' in newspapers is a complete bastardization of the actual Hellenistic and Babylonian astronomy, and all the ways horoscopes appear to work, but are simply mind tricks, but it's probably best you just watch this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haP7Ys9ocTk

    It sums it up nicely. If you want to learn more about the science behind it, google the Barnum and Forer effect.

    The only 'truth' in a horoscope, is the truth you THINK you see in them.
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