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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 4652. Visitors: 200397.
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The Question
I have this coworker, and he and I have become pretty good friends. I think I'm falling for him, and it appears to be mutual, I can just sense it. Before, about a year ago, we were acquaintances and kind of joked around. Then our friendship started growing, and we became pretty good friends, to the point where we have a 6 hour long conversations on Facebook about serious stuff, funny stuff, the whole sha-bang. Now it's sort of taken an awkward turn. When we're scheduled on the same shifts, at first we are sooooooo awkward. Then as the shift goes on, we're close again. He's even started playfully teasing, and we've got some witty banter going on. Great development, right? Awesome news, eh? WRONG.
See, there's an important factor I think we both like to forget... I'm a hardcore Christian, and he's an Atheist. It says on his Facebook he's a "Proud Atheist", and not that Facebook has the overall say in life, but if he took the time to write that and become part of a FB group with that same title, then I'm thinking he's pretty sure about it. I'm very serious about dating/relationships. I'm 18, and I've never dated anyone. I didn't want to date in high school because 9/10 times they fail, and are just drama-infested wastes of time. So, I date with purpose, I don't mess around. I can't date anyone who I couldn't see myself marrying. Not that I have to know RIGHT AWAY, or even in the first year. But if I knew I'd never marry that person right from get-go, I can't date them. Whether addicted to meth, never want to have kids, that sort of thing. I graduated in 2012, and since then I've just been waiting to meet the right dude to date. And... I think he takes the cake. He's intelligent, yet sensitive. Hilarious, caring, understanding, supportive, confident not big-headed, musically inclined, and he's witty, yet mature in the important ways. He's a nerd, like me. He's perfect in every way except one! HE'S AN ATHEIST. Whyyyyyyyy me?
I know there's no way I'm ever going to marry an atheist. My future husband will at least be aware of the fact that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. I probably sound snobby, but think about it. How would we raise our kids? Our mindsets in life would be so different. I'd be living for the Lord, alone. But... I like this guy a lot. I'm crushed. I think about him when I fall asleep and when I wake up. And I'll think "Why don't we date- oh yeah. Crap." and my heart sinks. I'm trying to cling on to some hope. I suppose my question is, do atheists convert often?
I wouldn't want him to make that change for me. Not at all. I'd want him to do it because HE wanted to. I want him to know the love of God, feel the powerful emotion the Holy Spirit can bring you, see life with God's Goggles, if you will, haha. So, what would you suggest I do? Do you have any advice/suggestions? Or should I just suck it up and move on? Thank you for reading.
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback:
I can only read what you write. Not what you don't.
I think you are responding to the question you thought you wrote down, and the not the one you actually asked. You were worried about sounding snobby, so you assumed I was treating you like a snob. I wasn't. I was responding to what you wrote down. I might have made errors in my assumptions - that happens - but that doesn't mean my assumptions were irrational or even unfair.
Your question doesn't become about atheists in general until your third paragraph. You asked "How would we raise our kids?" That's not a rhetorical question! That's the kind of problem you are thinking about with this guy - and it's a valid concern and totally legitimate question! But questions like that are also part of a fantasy you are creating for yourself (along with dwelling on his wonderfulness before you fall asleep at night) because they miss the bigger point.
The bigger point is that you told us "I want to date someone I can imagine marrying" and "I could never marry an atheist." So there will be no co-parenting with this guy. You've already decided he is undatable.
You have said there is something about him that you cannot tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. That's not snobby, and it doesn't make you are bad person, but it does mean he's not your match.
You clearly hope that he will change this one thing that you see as a serious flaw and deal-breaker! You don't need to deny that! It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't matter if you hope it for him, or for yourself (but at least be this honest with yourself: How much time do you spend hoping guys you don't have a crush on will find God?)
Most of us want other people to embrace the truths we think make the world a better place, that doesn't make you bad to admit that is what is going on here - it only makes you a bad match for him, if he is fact, a proud atheist.
Your choices, you requirements, and your words make this guy a bad match for you. I didn't do that. You told me that that was the case, so I told you what you told us.
You have become fixated on someone with deal-breaker. You asked us how often that deal breaker goes away - and the answer is 'Not Very Often'.
If you had asked "How do I figure out how to date someone with very different beliefs than mine? Can that work?" I could have offered very different advice, but that isn't what you asked. You asked how often people like him change, and what you could do to help him change.
I know your intentions are basically good, but they are also deeply biased. Think for a moment how you would feel if someone you like and respect asked that about your beliefs. "I know this really cool girl, except she's a Christian. I can't date a Christian. So how likely is it that she'll stop being a Christian? And how can I help her to see how much more respectful and loving you can be to all people when you aren't limited by Christian belief?"
Even if the person who asked that about you had no intention of lecturing you or whatever the atheist equivalent or 'bible thumping' would be, even if they really wished it for you because they thought it would be best for you, even so, wouldn't that feel even a bit disrespectful? Wouldn't it hurt that someone rejected you based on a part of yourself that you feel has value and goodness? Would you feel misunderstood and unfairly judged? It's certainly something to consider.
But regardless of how you feel about the answer to that question, right now, you need to let your feelings for this guy go.
I don't think you are a lovesick child. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you say you want. You should go get it. I think its just fine not to want to date an atheist, but I do thing you are someone who hasn't had enough bad or failing relationships to have learned the correct response to a deal-breaker, which is to:
Suck it up and move on.
You want the real truth, the real, mature, human answer to your question: Ask to him about this.
If his atheism is important to him and how he sees the world, then ask him about it without clinging to hope that he'll change his mind. At least attempt to accept it as part the wonderfulness of who he is, and not a inherent flaw or deficit.
It doesn't mean you need to change your mind about dating him - I'm not recommending that. What I'm recommending is that you do the hard work it takes to truly recognize the humanity and goodness of someone who believes differently than you do, and begin to build a more honest friendship with this guy you think is awesome, rather than dwelling on your own ideas about who he is, and who you wish he was.
You'll be a richer, happier person, with more cool friends, if you can do that.
-
Suck it up and move on.
Seriously, you haven't even been in a one-on-one situation with this guy outside of work and you are already trying to figure out how you'd co-parent? You don't have a crush - you have a fantasy. It's happening, in all honesty, in part because you don't have enough experiences with romance and relationships to know how to not get carried away with your own imaginings.
Don't carry on this way. You'll end up creating a vision of him in your mind that is entirely divorced from who he truly is. That always spells trouble.
Do atheists convert to religious beliefs? Sure, it does happen. A minority of atheists do convert to one form of religious belief or another, rarely Christianity (most atheist converts in the US convert to Eastern belief systems, or identify theists or deists without affiliation to any major religion). It's lower than the percentage of religious people who become atheists or non-religious. Is there any reason, at all, to believe this particular guy will convert (and convert to the kind of religious beliefs that would be please you)? No. None at all.
So move on. He doesn't have what you say you are looking for. It's actually a bit disrespectful to date someone hoping and dreaming they'll change their religious beliefs. Either accept the great guy he is (including his atheism, not in spite of it) or don't date him at all.
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The Question
I miss my family. I miss what it used to be. I miss the feeling when we were kids and everything seemed wonderful. I had my sister and my brother as my best friends. We got each other.
Now, I am in college. My sister has vanished for 3+ years. My brother gives me the cold shoulder every time I come home. My father is a block of human flesh that cannot understand what it means to care for another, to have sympathy. His head is in the past and does not realize it. He expects women to be servants and men to do the heavy work. When one thing is said to him, he acts like he listens, but responds with his own self centered opinion. He is impossible. My mother is a mad mess because this is not what she envisioned her life as. She feels hopeless.
That takes it back to me. I'm in the middle of trying to move on with my life but still desire the love of my family. One thing I did not mention is that I have an older brother, not my once best friend younger brother, but an older abusive brother. He would hit us, especially me, and manipulate my parents into thinking that we were all in the wrong and in the end no one gets punished. He lied, he bullied, he harassed. My parents? On the occasion my father, when we were kids would protect us. He saw what was going on. This was during the time that my sister and I were complaining a lot. My mother at the time favored my older brother like no other. She bought him the good glasses, bought my sister and I the ones that made our visions get progressively and significantly worse after a year. She would pick him up whenever he called. We would have to wait 1-3 hours in the front of school for her to get her ass to us.
One time, my older brother, forcefully dug his nails into my hands because I wouldn't let him take my CD out of the computer that I was using. He wanted me to get off so that he could use it.I refused. When my dad came home, we showed him the blood on the computer and the fingernail marks on my hand. My dad saw what was going on now, and he talked to my brother. I don't think he ever punished him, but he saw what was going on.
My parents never ever did anything about that. Their resolution? To keep him calm and happy. I won't forget the time he took a butcher knife and went to my sister's and I's bedroom saying that just a little bit, just a little bit it will be over. It will all be over. My parents were trying to calm him down. And once it was over, it was over. No punishment for him. No talking to my sister or me.
That was and still is how my parents deal with disruption in any calm in the family. They try to get it to go away, and once away, ignore the fact that it ever happened. It is no wonder that everyone suffers. They don't understand the fact that my older brother needs some fucking significant help. That heffer is messed up. Fucking messed up. And they put up with that?? What the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with him.
This is all insanity. Do you have any advice on how I should go about this insanity? Or other suggestions?
The Answer
Get out.
Your brother is mentally ill and your parents are unable to cope with it, so they do the only things they feel they can to keep him from killing you all.
Seriously. They might be fucked up and totally wrong, but they are also probably doing their best, even if that best sucks.
So get out. Apply for every scholarship. Talk to friends or distant family members who might take you in. Get the hell out. It's not sane, and it's not safe.
Don't do what your parents are doing. Don't just sit around, hoping things will get better and trying not to rock the boat in case it makes things worse. Take the chance. Get out.
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The Question
i am 18 year old boy . my gf is 17. i love her immensely and i have promised to marry her once i am financially strong.however every time i want to touch her , hold her hand or kiss her...she pushes me back and turns away.she does not even talk about sex!! when i asked she says that she loves me and she wants closeness but she is SHY??...i really love her a lot and it is 4 years now , and i want to make love to her. i can figure it out that she wants it too , i have gone through her diary secretly but she says that she is too shy to let me touch her private parts or kiss her??? however she agreed to make love soon. guys please give clues on how to approach to her once we are in bed so that she feels comfortable and it is easy for her to come out of her shyness. and also can anyone explain to me this psychology of girls???
The Answer
Who says there is anything wrong with your girlfriend? You don't need to understand the psychology of girls. You only need to listen to what she's telling you. She's shy, she's seventeen, and she isn't ready for that level of physical intimacy.
What's wrong with you?
You read her diary, which is absolutely wrong and disrespectful.
You are also pressuring a girl who is barely comfortable touching you into having sex with you.
You might not mean to be pressuring her, but its very clear that you are.
Back off. She deserves more respect than you are giving her. She's made it abundantly clear that she is not ready. Although she might have agreed to sex, out of a desire to please you and keep you happy, any sensible man would recognize she is not comfortable.
We can't know WHY she isn't comfortable, but is also doesn't really matter. If she isn't comfortable, for whatever reason, you need to back off and stop pushing for something she is not okay with.
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The Question
i am 17 and my bf is 18. i love him a lot and he too. we were in a long distance relationship for about 5 years. now he has moved into my city and he wants to give me this special gift of being physical with him on my birthday next week. it is okay since his family knows about us and our future plans so he will not dump me. but i am really shy. i do not know why but he took me out to a date yesterday and i did not even let him hold my hand. i feel butterflies in my stomach with him around. i tense up and sweat. i have told him this but he says that i will not be shy after the first time. but how do i get over the first time itself? the idea of him with me in bed , touching my private parts and seeing me naked, feeling him inside me,kissing him etc. is like too difficult . please help!! i have to do this and i want to...so please don't ask to postpone it. just help me with the shyness thing, maybe give tips on how to relax with him around. thanks.
The Answer
I would advise against doing this on your birthday.
There are three big reasons:
Your birthday is your day. You want to enjoy it without the stress and worry that sex is causing you. Your boyfriend certainly means well, but its not the kindest suggestion. Let your birthday be your birthday. Let the first time you have sex be just that.
Your boyfriend is also wrong that you will suddenly get over your shyness after the first time - you might, some people do - but some people don't, and your boyfirend needs to respect that.
Finally, don't do this because you aren't ready. You've been long distance for years! Don't rush yourselves into full blown sex. Make out, have fun, pet and touch either. Get to know each others bodies. That will help you with your shyness, and frankly, it's more fun that way!
Your boyfriend might love you very much, but its not a gift of you have to do it! There are many reasons to wait, even just for a day other than your birthday.
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The Question
Ok so what I want to do is talk into some recording media then play it back to myself with the in the hopes that I retain more of what the recording says if it is done with my own voice.
Would it matter what voice is used?
Presumably I trust myself, and would want to do what I said??? Any thoughts?
The Answer
Most people don't instinctively recognize thier own voice when it's recorded and played back. We are used to the sound of our own voice when they reverberate inside our own heads.
So I don't think it's likely that you'll find your own voice recording praticularly conforting or persuasive.
But that doesn't mean it won't be a good learning tool for you. Myself, I can't learn from pure lecture. No matter whoes voice it is, I need to take notes and write about topics to understand them.
But if you can learn simply by listening, then maybe recordings of your own voice will be helpful.
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The Question
Ok, so this is not really about me, but I have a question just in general. So guys & girls who should make the first move in a relationship? Is it more proper for boys too? Or should it not matter? Thanks for the feed back!
The Answer
It's shouldn't matter.
Just like race or gender shouldn't really matter when you are hiring someone - it shouldn't matter who makes the first move, the girl or the guy.
But just like race and gender often DO matter when it comes to hiring someone - it often does matter.
Some people (girls and guys) don't want to be the one to make the first move. Often because they are shy or insecure - they justify it and say that it's the other person's JOB to do make the first move. It's mostly girls who says this ("But the guy is SUPPOSED to make the first move!") but I've also heard it from guys ("Girls make the first move on me all the time. Why should I bother if she's not going too?")
Both positions are arbitrary and childish.
But here is the simple, vital truth when it comes to romance and dating:
You can be as arbitrary, childish and even discriminatory as you'd like to be!
Romance dating and sex is one of the few things were people are entirely entitled to be any kinf of asshole they want to be, even racist assholes, and although it might be ugly, they are entitled to make their choices for any stupid reason they like.
So the real question isn't who SHOULD make the first move. The real question is why kind of people are you going to end up being compatible with?
If you are a girl who thinks guys should always make the first move, then you'll never date anyone who doesn't - you aren't compatible with guys who don't make the first move.
If you are a guy who thinks it's slutty or masculine for a girl to make the first move, then you'll never date a girl who does - you aren't compatible with girls who make the first move.
As purely stupid as I think it is that some people thinks it's OTHER peoples' job to express interest (rather than, ya know, just being honest about what they personally want regardless of their gender) people can still do what they want, and will most likely end up with people who feel they same way they do about 'the first move'.
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The Question
Razhie,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you do on advicenators. Your advice over the years has helped me become a better columnist. You input has taught me how to have better insight upon problem solving and handling things in a mature and smart way. If there was, I would give you the #1 spot here as I feel you very much deserve it.
Again thank you
-Zane
The Answer
Hey Zane - Sorry I didn't respond right away. I was a bit stumped what to say besides 'Thanks!'
It means a lot to me for you to say that, and it came at the time when I really needed some positivity sent my way.
I know reading your advice has helped me more than a few times to see things from different angles, or even freed me to feel like I could fairly focus on a different side of the problem.
One of the things I've loved about the site is seeing the different opinion of great advisers like you. I like to think we've all made each other better people in ways that are hard to see - I know you've helped me be better too.
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The Question
What should I do in case of a dog attack? We have a family dog and we take her out to do her business at certain times. (On our own property of course) Today I was napping while my mom took our dog outside and another dog, about twice as big as our dog came and approached them. My mom was holding onto the leash trying to prevent the dogs from getting into contact and got herself hurt. She lost a big piece of flesh from the leash's friction and when our dog got loose from her collar she ran for it and the other dog chased her. My mom then ran in the house to call me and by the time we got to the door our dog was there waiting for us and trying to get inside. When we opened it to let our dog in, just as we slammed the door shut, the other dog made it to the door. Had my mom closed the door any later that dog would've gotten in the house and it would've been dangerous for all of us. I am still upset that the dog was not on its leash, I don't know who the owner is but I was intending to talk to them. We've never seen that dog around our neighborhood. I just want to know what are the appropriate actions to take if this were to happen again. If that happened to me, I may have to try to kick it hard enough so that I would have time to run inside my house while it was recovering from the blow. But there's also a risk of that dog would rebound really quick and chase after me, if that's the case then I won't be able to outrun it so I would have to keep defending myself until that dog gives up. I don't want to hurt it, but I don't want to get myself or my other family members to get hurt either. There were plenty of reasons for us to call the dog catchers, but we understand the situation when having a dog. Sometimes they get loose, but I'm just really upset that this happened. 1. That dog was on our property 2. It was off leash 3. It injured my mom. This has never happened before. I'm concerned every time we take the dog out now. I'm glad it didn't go after my mom either. She's a small woman and it could've easily taken her down. She's 4'11, and the dog that we saw was either an american bulldog or pitbull. I can't even express how annoyed I feel.
The Answer
The first thing you do is call the police.
Whether this dog was a violent stray, or someone's pet, it needs to be stopped. So your first move is report the incident. The police might know whose dog it was by description, they might also be able to warn others in area to be on the look out.
Part of having a dog is securing your dog. If someone can't secure their violent dog, they deserve no sympathy at all.
You got lucky this time. Someone's dog or mother might not. Someone's child might not. You have a responsibly to notify the police.
As for what to do if it happens again, it's tough to say. Getting away with your dog is obviously the best course of action. Standing still and saying No loudly and firmly will deter some dogs (most know what No means.) If you ever do have a dog attack you or your dog again, and you aren't able to get away, you have to fight it and keep fighting it.
Pepper spray, or a large stick are most useful. Empty a can of pepper spray in the dogs face, or hit them as hard as you can between the ears with a stick. Don't turn and run - never turn your back on an aggressive dog, or let them circle behind you. Running away is behaving like prey, and you wont outrun a dog. Standing your ground is better if you have no immediate means of escape. If you don't have a weapon, kick and hit until the aggressor dog backs offs or run.
Most dogs haven't been trained to attack humans, so most will back off if you can land a few solid hits, especially to the dogs groin or underbelly.
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The Question
F/15
my labia is irregularly large... akward... soo i wanna get the plastic surgery to shorten them, so my question is would the HIPPA Law apply to this? if not how do i confront my mother about this? we are very open about relationships, sex and just everything in general,btw.
below i have a little more detail on the HIPPA Law:
By a Federal Law known as HIPPA anyone over the age of 14 may seek medical treatment without parental consent or knowledge for any problem related to their reproductive system.
The Answer
HIPAA protects a patients privacy (even if they are a minor). It's there is allow young people to get information from their doctors without their parents interference, and to make their own choices based on doctors recommendations, and to protect them if they disagree with their parents over the best course of treatment.
It is not interpreted, by surgeons or by the courts, as applying to purely cosmetic procedures. Its not there so patients can demand whatever kind of medical treatment they want whenever they want, and its not there so 14 year olds can get boobs jobs.
Many surgeons simply won't perform most cosmetic surgeries on minors at all, and only a minority will do so with the parents permission.
It opens them up to too much liability, not to mention, as Ninja said, all surgery comes with risks and complications, and those complication can be worse if you are younger and not physically mature.
Even if HIPAA did mean you could keep this sort of surgery secret from your parents (and it doesn't), very, very few doctors would take the risk of going against your parents wishes, and drawing the negative attention of their professional regulators, by performing this sort of surgery on you.
You'll need your mothers approval if you wish to do this as a minor, and you'll need a doctor who will agree to do it.
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The Question
so i have been suffering with depression for a while now, and last semester (i'm in college) i had a complete breakdown. i started missing classes and avoided all my friends. avoiding them, mostly because i didnt wanna be the sad mopey one who eventually everyone wont wanna hang out with. also i just didnt want to burden them with my sadness. i've been struggling with the same issue for so long that i felt my friends got disillusioned by it. people texted or called me and i'd ignore or avoid them. i was completely isolated from everyone else.
but after a while, i felt better and talked to my friend about it. instead of being comforted, she yelled at me for being selfish and not thinking about her. and tells me that im not being considerate of other people's feelings while i was preoccupied with my own sadness.
should i feel offended? i know that being depressed makes you more pessimistic, but i just didn't think it was other people's problems. is it okay to think that my friend is making the main issue into her problem instead of mine, without considering my feelings instead?
The Answer
Whether or not you meant to hurt your friend, you did.
Whether or not you could control yourself, she was hurt by your behaviour, disappointed and maybe even frightened.
You might be fairly offended. Your friend may have been rude or unkind - but she wasn't being dishonest.
Part of getting better includes apologizing for, and explaining, why you were behaving badly before. People can't see what's in your mind or heart, they can't know that really wanted to be a good friend but genuinely couldn't. They can only see your behaviour.
You weren't considerate. You were preoccupied with your own sadness! That is part if what happened. That is part of what you were struggling with.
That doesn't make you a horrible person, but you do need to accept that others might feel some anger, and that doesn't make them horrible people either. Both of you have real issues here, it's not about whose us bigger or more important. It's about how you can understand each other and move on together. That means you appreciating her experience, as well as her understanding yours.
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The Question
Fruit makes me feel really sick for some reason. Maybe its the chemicals they use or something. In any case I would like to switch to eating more organic lentils, and vegetables. I dont seem to be having any trouble consuming animal products so ill stick with them for now.
The Answer
You'd probably best best to go to a doctor for a check up, and perhaps an allergy test, before you start arbitrarily limiting your diet.
You might be low on iron or fiber, or have a moderate food intolerance. Wouldn't it be better to know why your body is struggling than to just avoid an entire food group?
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The Question
i am 10 and have started masturbating does that mean i will start my period soon
The Answer
No.
Some toddlers masturbate. Masturbation is a a normal, human act, that is not directly linked to sexual maturity.
Your period will come when it comes. Your interest in mastication doesn't necessarily mean its coming soon.
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The Question
26 y/o female.
In the fall, I went in for a job interview at a local store. I instantly felt attracted to the guy giving me the interview. I passed it, but had to turn the job down for reasons not worth mentioning.
A week later, he "followed" me on Facebook. I wasn't sure what his reasoning behind it was, but I decided to add him as a friend. We didn't speak to each other whatsoever, but I always hoped that somehow he'd get a hold of me first.
It never happened, and in the spring, I saw that he took me off his friend's list. Was I annoying? Did he delete me so only his close friends were on his list? It's killing me. I wish I had closure, but I find the idea of outright asking him to be hard. It's been almost two months since he's taken me off, and I can't stop thinking about it. I've even had dreams with him in it. I'm also rarely rejected by guys so I'm not sure if my ego is bruised or I really do just have a major crush on this guy. Either way, I'm tired of thinking about it!
The Answer
You weren't rejected. You never spoke to one another.
You don't need closure. Nothing was every opened to begin with.
What you need to do is realize that 99% of this experience happened entirely in your own head. If you wanted to take it out of your own head and into the real world, you had to actually SPEAK to him in some way.
After months of not speaking, he removed you. Honestly, it's probably because he found someone and decided there was no reason to have a random girl he was attracted to once, months ago, but never spoken to since, on his friends list.
Your are right: Your ego is bruised. You thought you were just so awesome that of course he'd make the first move, eventually, and he didn't. You can't know why he didn't, but he didn't.
Next time you think someone is awesome, speak to them. Take control of your own fate. Don't count on your good looks to get you what you want without you having to do anything. Getting something you want is worth taking the tiny risk of saying 'Hi' first. Most people take that risk all the time, at 26 is high time you learned how to do it.
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The Question
My social work professor opened up to us the other day when she told that when she was eight years old, she had almost gotten kidnapped. If it wasn't for her sister being there and putting up a fight, they would have gotten kidnapped because there was a car that heard her screams and came to their rescue. After she told us her story she took us to the missing and exploited children website and said that we can sign up to help the cause. So, far, all I have seen is where to donate money. I want to volunteer to help out. Is there a place that I can do such thing and if not, do you guys know of anywhere that is similar to that so I can help out there? I really want to give my free time to something very special and prove to me that social work is the right minor for me. So, if you guys have any suggestions as to anything that I could do, I would really appreciate it!
The Answer
Dragonfly seems to have missed the part where this was your professor, not someone who had a client relationship with you.
I do still agree that this was a slightly awkward, and possibly unprofessional thing for a teacher to do. Discussing something in an academic setting shouldn't lead to soliciting donations. That's just not appropriate, no matter how important the cause truly is.
My best advice to you is to go to the trusty google machine for local or state organizations AND be willing to do trivial work to help. Children who have been kidnapped, or are missing, really need professional help. As a social worker, you might someday be that professional, but right now the best thing you can do is probably help to raise money to pay the professionals they need.
Right now, with the skills you currently have, the best you can do might be volunteer to help with office work, or raising money through simple things like raffles. Don't be discouraged by that. Be willing to use what you've got today to help. We don't all have the skills to be on the front lines with the police, therapists, investigators and social workers these kids need most. While you are gaining those skills, do what you can, and be proud of the small contributions you can make.
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The Question
I tested hiv negative on march 20th 2013, after exposing myself to hiv last april 27th 2012, i have was being sick, vomiting mucus and having aches pains, high temp for about 1 week if i remembet correctly last late april beginning of may, this was at home, did not go to hospital, sludgy diahorrea and a lot of trapped wind. Since then i have had hiv test in may 2012 , june 2012, august 2012, october 2012, november 2012, jan 2013, and my last one 25th march 2013 athis was using blood from my arm, what tests are the ones ive had and when they were negative, showing no hiv antibodies, are they accurate and am i definately hiv/aids negative? i still have a neck rash little clear bumps and reddy marks. My tongue still has 4 ulcers in the centre at back of.tongue, my dry cough and dry eyes are still with me, the clinic said to me that i should have been assurrd afyer 3 months window, but as you can see ive had 6 tests over 10 month now its coming close to a year, am i hiv negative or should i be worried still because of some symptoms. I had anal and oral sex last year
The Answer
It's almost impossible that you have HIV.
Obviously, something is wrong, and you should see a doctor about your ongoing symptoms, but you need to stop focusing on HIV as the culprit at this point. That just isn't at all likely to be the case.
After a year and six tests - all coming back negative - you need to accept that as conclusive proof that you are HIV negative. False negatives on modern HIV tests are extremely rare. (In 2005 the CDC put the number of false-negative results at 0.03%). Math is not really my strong suit, but that means that after six negative tests the likelihood that ALL of them were false-negatives is something like 0.0000000243%.
So really, you need to see a doctor about your symptoms. Clearly you are experiencing something - it's just probably not HIV.
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The Question
Don't get me wrong, I don't care. Sex is sex, I like it, I like being with multiple guys, and if you don't include my gangbang fantasies, I'm really not that much of a slut, ya know? I've always been really sexual though, I watch porn when I'm bored, and whatnot. I lost my virginity at a whopping 14(with a couple), and have slept with 13 people since then. I've always been known to make really fucking bad decisions, hence why I got raped. It wouldn't bother me that much, if it weren't for the fact I'm like 2 people. My main brain being like, normal, and my pussys brain being like... stupid. I have a boyfriend I love very much, but the urges to watch porn(and 80% of his friends wanting to bang me) makes it hard. I cheated on my last bf and I hated myself for it. I'm 17, I love my boyfriend, and unless I'm single, I want this to stop. I just want to shut my pussy off. I don't mind being like that if I don't have a bf, but otherwise, its bothersome. If he had sex with me more, maybe it would be different... but he doesn't, Heh. My brain wants a relationship, but everything else want sex. I... honestly don't know what to do, Heh.
The Answer
Honestly, you should see a therapist.
Not because there is anything wrong with wanting sex, or enjoying fantasies and sex acts.
You should see a therapist because you have urges you can't control and because you aren't sure what you want from life.
Not being able to control sexual urges, to the point that you betray a partner or put yourself in danger, is a big problem. Having urges is fine. Having urges that rule your life and define your behavoir is not.
You are only 17. It's okay to not really know what you want in life, but you don't have to have some idea why you want a relationship so badly, even when it seems to be at odds with other things you desire.
So seriously. You need to do some soul searching and you'd be best to do it with some professional guidance.
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The Question
Well ever since my best friend asked me out and I shot him down things have been extremely awkward between us.And he took another girl to prom and things were even more awkward. Tonight we webcammed for maybe 5 minutes. We went from sending each other over 400 messages a day to maybe 20-50. I don't know what to do! Please help!
The Answer
Look, he didn't just want to be your friend.
He wanted more. You didn't.
That's okay, but once that was out in the open, once you both acknowledge that you DIDN'T want the same thing from your friendship, your friendship HAD to change.
The friendship you had wasn't working for him.
Even if you thought everything was fine - it wasn't. He had a goal. He wanted to go out with you. When you said no, you and he had to start to build a new friendship together. One where going out was off the table.
Cut him some slack. It IS awkward. It had to be awkward. You both are figuring out what this new friendship looks like. It probably wont be as intense as it was before - and that's a good thing. You are working on having a real friendship now, not just one where he's trying to court you.
If he is still contacting you frequently, talking to you and being friendly, than that's great. Be his friend right back. There isn't a problem here. Things are just changing and changing can be tough. But things have to change now or you'll never really become friends.
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The Question
I'm not a parrot and hate repeating myself despite asking a similar question on this before about You Tube and MP#. Last time I asked about programs to convert You Tube into MP3 audio.
I'm not sure if it's the same process and programs as the You Tube question or not. However, I need to know how does one take their entire ITUNES library (which is not many songs) and convert these from MP4's into MP3s? I'm putting them on a Flash Drive so they can be easily played in the car, share with friends, etc. etc. Any guidance is helpful.
Please note that I'm NOT technically minded or technology savvy in the slightest. I can turn it on and off but that's it. I will be happy for any advice but please keep it in layman's terms so it's not inadvertently up and over my head. Thank You kindly!
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback:
My point was that I could not see your column, and could not know that you weren't that kind of person. The only evidence I had was the way you wrote this question. As clear as your explanation might be for why you presented it the way you did, I also didn't have that explanation to work from.
People can only form an impression based on what you wrote in a single question. That's all anyone has. That's the information we get.
My impression, based on only that, was that I was probably going to get a negative response, no matter what I wrote.
I doubt I was alone in reading your question and forming that impression. You don't have to agree with me, but you should consider my comment, especially in light of the fact I was the only response you received.
I'm glad you figured it out tho. Always better to acquire technical skills that way I think.
I'm not a slave and I hate giving advice to questions that are so prescriptive and heavily qualified that it seems impossible that anything I will say will be met with anything but disdain and criticism.
But you seem to be reasonably smart, so I'm going to give you two pieces of advice. The first isn't what you asked for, and the second is:
First off: You should consider how you come across in your questions. You wont just scare off the bad advisers, you'll make the good ones feel that you aren't worth the effort. Saying thank you at the end doesn't change the over all impression your question gives off - Your opening line makes a very, very clear impression that no matter what is said too you, no matter how thorough or clearly described, you are going to shit on everyone who answers.
We can't know that if you are basically a good person who will be respectful and appreciative and that you just a have that sort of sense of humour. We can only read what you wrote down, and the way you began this is seriously off-putting.
People who give advice here get shit on enough without ever seeing it coming. It's a hazard of giving advice, but it also means they aren't going to jump in line to give detailed technical advice when they feel they are going to be rated down or insulted for it being over your head, or making you repeat yourself, or you just not being able to make their instructions work.
Now, to change your music library to MP3s in iTunes.
I'm using a mac with the most recent OS and an updated version of iTunes. I have no idea what you are using, or if things are different on different versions, but this worked for me right now, so I'll write down what it is I did.
On the Mac, open iTunes, and from the top left corner, right beside the little Apple,
Select the 'iTunes' drop down menu, and then select 'Preferences'.
(If you are on a PC, you should have a Preferences option as well, probably under the 'Edit' menu I'd guess).
On the General Preferences screen (which should be the screen you immediately find yourself on after clicking 'Preferences') click the button 'Import Settings'.
Change the 'Import Using' drop down menu to 'MP3 Encoder'.
Now go back to your music, select all the tracks you want to convert to MP3 and left click.
Select "Create MP3 Version".
That will give you an MP3 file for all the selected tracks. Then you'll just need to move the MP3 files over the flash drive and leave the original MP4s where they are.
Good luck.
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The Question
I'm not sure if I can fully express how much I want to hide under a rock and never come out. I attend college & have 2 classes together with a guy I might be interested in (first & last classes). I can see it in his eyes and actions that he is interested in me, I always catch him looking & he tries to initiate conversations, sadly I am not a very good conversationalist and don't give more than a couple of short word answers(however I can write a whole story online easily, so sorry this may be long). We don't talk that much with each other because of this, just occasional casual talk, being schoolwork or how we're doing.
Today we had a sub, we could leave whenever we were finished writing our essay. So I finished up early but for some reason thought I would wait for him to finish as well to leave, we both usually finish our work early. So I pretended I was still writing. Shortly after he finished up handed it in I gave mine in and we both packed up and left. I think he knew that I did that on purpose. We started walking together and had small talk (I think I stuttered!) and as we left the building I pushed the door open on a woman on the other side of it, appologized sheepishly. Out of nowhere I felt to just offer him a ride but was nervous, he said I have my car but its parked a little far away you can drop me off, and I said something stupid like yeah if you dont mind! He playishly asked how is your driving should I go and smiled. I chucked and said no its good you can trust me with it its alright. I look nothing like a so called "nerd" but guess I act like one. Well we got in and he remarked wow how do drive such big cars and I just cheesily said I like them better its easier(no its not everyone knows that its not) and he said lets see how you drive and I started going. He said my car is that way pointing beyond the barriers saying I guess you cant go that way. I told him I actually jump the curb if theres no campus security around when I'm late and could do it again now. He said no way how? So I did and he was amused thinking I was being sly but out of nowhere the security saw and pulled me over. He said uh-oh this is not going to be good. I told the security that I was in a rush appologizing and wouldnt do it again, and I stuttered! They said they would confiscate my tag if I did. Embarrassment! He said oh now theyre following you out. I said its ok I dont care. He said I hate these security, if it was me they wouldnt let me go. Then asked how do you get to park in here and I instead of playfully saying I have my ways I just bluntly told him how I got a note from the doctor saying "I have asthma" and to use something they can't prove.. (even though I do). He said oh interesting. Well meanwhile I passed the parking lot outside and asked him where is the enterance, he said we passed it. I said "oh you didn't tell me, I never entered it before so I dont know", he said "sorry about that I should have told you, I was just umm admiring your driving", but I was driving shabbily because I was nervous, and I smiled and said oh thanks its ok and made a sloppy U-turn, he said you can just drop me off here and I did, I was already so shocked at what had happened and my brain shut down, I wanted to tell him to have a nice weekend but was thinking of what other things to say and ended up saying have a nice time! And then tried cleaning it up with "and weekend" and stuttered again!He laughed and said you too thanks for the ride. I said no problem and then a take care as he was closing the door but he walked away and so I drove away :( I would never go back if I wasn't obligated to.. What should do/say, if anything? Anything to help me feel less horrible? Thanks in advance :(
The Answer
Yeah. I know this FEELs like the end of the world, but it's really not. If he liked you, he probably still does.
Really. Relax. You acted like a goof 'cause you liked him. It sounds like he acted like a goof too (which might mean he likes you.)
Laugh it off. Admit it was dumb. Try to calm down. You are your own worst enemy right now.
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The Question
If you tricked the cops into thinking that there was a murder or something like that by using ketchup as blood, or something like that, I don't know, and you time the cops on how long it takes them to get there, and somehow get the news reporters on your side, to teach the cops to do their job correctly, could they arrest you? Would they stick you in jail for a few years? How would they react to that? Has anyone ever done something like that?
I am sick and tired of hearing stories of people like the three women found this week, and Jaycee Lee Dugard. It makes me so angry. I want to see the cops embarrassed into doing a PERFECT job, or getting fired. Their job is too fucking important for them to be lazy. Way too fucking important...
The Answer
Thier job is also to fucking important for them to let random teenagers test them with false reports that waste money, time and resources.
Yes. You could most certainly be arrested, fined, and even do some time, depending on the severity of what you do.
Look, no one does a perfect job. Not police, not engineers, not teachers, not doctors, no one. There are lots of systems, rules and regulations in place to minimize human error in these very important jobs, but nothing will defend 100% against humans being flawed. Human beings will always be flawed.
Perhaps more importantly, evil, insane people will do evil insane things, and some of them will get away with it some of the time. We don't live in a just world. It is not a fair place. Bad things happen to good people. The police may have done something wrong in these cases, and the rules and oversight will change to try and defend against those mistakes, but taking it out on all police officers would not just be illegal, it would be egotistical, counterproductive, immoral and irrational, like keying the cars of every dentist because one of them made someone else's gums sore.
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