Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    For the past two years I've been on 30mg of Adderall XR a day and it's made a lot of positive changes in my life. For some reason I'm starting to feel bad about being dependent on this substance. It's an addictive drug and I'm paranoid that it will harm my long-term health. I know I will have to be off of it eventually, so should I try to get off of it sooner than later? My concern is that the longer I stay on it, the more my whole life will depend on it. I'm scared that when I go off it my life will completely collapse and and it will force me to reset everything, including my personality.The medicine has helped me to be more in touch with my surroundings, which has given me life-changing social confidence. Since beginning adderall, I've been at a healthy weight whereas before I was overweight and I REALLY don't want to go back to that. When I have to miss a day, I feel depressed. PLEASE tell me this is a withdrawal symptom and not my natural state. Should I try to go off of it in two years when I'm no longer a student or now? In general what should I do??

    The Answer
    Are you going to try and cut off your foot when you are no longer a student too? I mean, you really totally depend on that foot right? God forbid you are too depend on having feet!

    Seriously. If something is making your life so much more manageable and joyful, why would you get rid of it?

    Why do you "know you'll have to get off it sooner or later"? Did your doctor tell you that?

    Adderall certainly has risks, but it's approved for long-term use and some people do use it in that way. There is also evidence that shorter-term use of adderall may have long-term positive effects on the brains of people with ADD and ADHD.

    My advice would be not to panic, and speak to your doctor. It's fantastic to find a drug that is working well for you. So long as it keeps working well, and there aren't increased risks or dependency, then why stop?

    If you find you need to stop taking adderall, don't panic. Get your a good therapist and you'll be able to hold on to a lot of gains you've made. A lot of what you've learned on Adderall, will still be skills you have without it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I enjoy going to massage parlors. Sometimes I get a 'happy ending' and sometimes I don't. Would this be considered cheating?

    The Answer
    Yes.

    Your partner has a completely fair expectation that you are not going to massage parlours to get off. Your purposeful keeping of this secret is a betrayal. That is what cheating is: A betrayal, a breaking of an agreement or understanding.

    Unless your partner knows about the sexual nature of your massage parlour visits and agrees they are acceptable, then it is cheating.

    It is also, in many many places, illegal. Many of the women who do that sort of work, are doing it under duress. If for not other reason than a desire to NOT support human trafficking, you should really stop doing that. It's not okay.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I got glasses today and I'm kinda scared to wear them. Not because of how I look (because I look fabulous) but because normally I see pretty well. I can see when we take note (even if I sit kinda far in the back. But something's that are REALLY small I can't see. In my opinion I don't think glasses are super necessary. And I don't want people to be like "you don't need glasses" "your faking it" "you see better than I do" because it's honestly not even to the point where I can't see what's in front of me like most of my friends. What should I do?

    The Answer
    Whenever you change anything about yourself, some people are going to say stupid things.

    All you have to do is say "I'm going to wear my glasses when I feel I need to wear them. They are my fucking eyes people, I am the only one who knows what I can or can't see."

    Most people aren't going to care. Some people will be assholes. The best way to shut it down is to just tell thank them for utterly uninformed opinion on your eyes, and make your own damn decisions.

    Don't let it get to you, insist they respect the fact that you are the authority on the subject of whether or not you put on your glasses
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Good morning and good afternoon advicenators. I am an 20 years old girl with a boyfriend who is 23. We have been together for the past 2 years. Here is my situation: Tuesday of last week, my boyfriend texted me in the morning but I did not answer his text. Later in the afternoon he called me but I did not pick up. All this was because I was frustrated with school and I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Of course he got upset and felt as if I was ignoring him but I was not. I was planning to call him later before I went to bed. I had no intention on making him feel bad about it but when he confronted me with it I apologized and he forgave me. since then, our relationship has been off-balance. He has been ignoring me but I act as if I dont notice it because I feel like he wants to get revenge. When I text him, he takes forever to text back but I always text him right back. When I call him at night, he doe not pick up and texts me in the morning saying that he went to bed early. I really do not know what to do. Can someone please advice me on what I should do. Thank you in advance.

    The Answer
    Tell him what you think is happening.

    Don't pull that passive aggressive girly shit of saying "Is something wrong?". Your instinct and common sense have told you what is likely wrong, so do the same thing he did. Be direct and say "I feel like you are ignoring my texts AND I'm worried you are doing this to punish me for what happened last week."

    Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing this. Maybe he'll get over it on his own in a few more days. Or maybe, he's being a really immature little prick who said he forgave you and then turned around and had his own secret little temper tantrum where he tries to punish you for a mistake you made that you admitted, and apologized for.

    If he agrees that that is what he is doing, on purpose, remind him that is not how forgiveness works and that he has to be honest with you, not play games when he is upset.
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    The Question
    I met a guy online. We have been messaging each other for about 4 months. He wants to meet but I'm a little hesitant about it. Mostly due to safety reasons and his behavior. He always wants to rush things. On the dating site we met on, he gave me his number right away and guilt me into calling him by threatening not to speak with me again. I didn't call him until I felt ready, which was two weeks ago. Yesterday, I caught a bug was sleeping in bed for a day and a half. I checked my phone after I woke up and saw that he left me a bunch of text messages. I even missed his call. He really wants to met by next month.

    The Answer
    Trust your gut.

    If you are an adult, and are trying online dating, then it's probably going to be good for you to know that most people want to meet within a few weeks. Four months is a long time to just talk to someone. Most perfectly sane people want to meet in person before that to see if there is any in-person chemistry. Frankly, it's as safe to meet with someone you've spoken to a few times as it is to meet with someone you've spoken to for months. It's all about how you plan the meet, not about how many texts you've exchanged.

    More important than that though, is that you should always trust your gut. If you aren't feeling secure and happy about meeting with this guy, then don't meet with him. If you are getting a bad vibe, then end it right now.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    hello! so, i know how to customize your profile/privacy settings to how it is that you can control who views your posts or who posts on your wall. Currently, I have the privacy setting on where only I can see who posts on my wall. However, I want to make it so that only friends can view it... BUT, there are certain comments that only I want to see. Is there a way that I can make it so that that ONE comment is only for me and that not all my friends can see it. Thanks!

    The Answer
    Can't be done.

    Although you can control the settings on each and every post YOU make on your own Facebook page, you cannot control each post your friends make individually, only as a group.

    You can either keep all posts to your wall private, or make them all friends only/public. You cannot control how one particular one functions. (Except, of course, you could delete it.)
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My best friends mom is super strict, like she is now making my friend pay rent and for food when she can't even get a job yet, and her mom doesn't care. It doesn't even seem like she loves her at all. She just wants her to clean the house all the time. My friend is 16, and when she tells me about all the fights she has with her mom, I never know what to say except that I'm sorry and how unfair it is. Does anyone have any ideas on how i can help her?

    The Answer
    That is not just unfair - it's abuse.

    Probably best for you to encourage your friend to speak to an adult she can trust. A teacher, or a coach or a counsellor. As adviceman said, her mother insisting on payment from a 16 year old is unlikely to be legal. If her mother can't support her daughter, there are other ways to address that. Forcing the child to 'pay up' isn't the moral or legal way to do that.

    The best thing you can do to help her, is to connect her and support her reaching out to adults that really can help her. Neither of you can fix this yourselves.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I have been hearing that swimming is a great way to lose weight. I am considering learning to swim but the problem I have is since I am overweight will I be able to float and stay straight in the water like other people do? Also I am 23 years old

    The Answer
    Yes. You'll be able to swim.

    Unless you are so obese that you are basically unable to move your limbs, you'll be able to be remain basically buoyant.

    If you've never learned to swim as a child, it will b a bit tricky at first, but the good news is that it's exactly like riding a bike. Once you learn, you'll always have that skill.

    If you are worried about learning to swim, you might try other water exercises first. Water aerobics is a good way to exercise, it would help you get acclimatized to being in the water, and it tends to be a bit gentler on your joints (which can take a bit of a beating if you are carrying extra weight).
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    This question is really for people who have managed to work out relatively happy marriages. Preferably men who are experienced in marriage would be helpful too, but women might also be able to help.

    I am worried about my best friend's marriage. I really don't want this to turn into a big problem, leading to him getting a divorce. He would be absolutely crushed.

    My best friend is 30 years old and he moved out of state to live with his girlfriend, who he married two months ago. The two of them have lived together for over a year.

    The problem is more complicated once you consider the different cultures between the two partners. His wife was born in China and immigrated to Canada when she was four years old, and later moved to the United States at age 24.

    He, my best friend, is a geek who is not into sports but he is still all American. His parents basically raised him by following the American dream, they met in high school, established careers, got married and brought their own home where they raised two children, a boy and a girl.

    This morning he texted me explaining that she frustrates him sometimes by giving him the silent treatment and asking if he still loves her. He is the socially awkward type who lost his virginity at age 23, after finally getting a real girlfriend, and this is his first real long-term relationship. The two of them have been together for three years. So, I assume that it's a communication problem, and sometimes the negligence of showing how much he truly loves her.

    Another issue is that they never get time apart. Seriously, they are together sixteen hours a day, living together in a small one studio apartment, working together at her brother-in-law's company, etcetera.

    Also, he has never had any real independence. He lived with his parents until he finally moved out of state to be with his now wife. So, his parents basically did everything for him for most of his life. His dad still pays his cellphone bill.

    I suggested that they do whatever it takes to get some time apart. Regardless of whether or not that is renting a room in the beautiful state that borders them, getting a smaller friendly dog to take on walks in the park, or making their own friends who they hang out with by themselves at times. He thinks that the idea of renting a separate room is ridiculous.

    At 23 I am still considerably younger than him, and I sometimes feel awkward giving advice because I really don't know what to say. Please help me help him, he has always been there for me when I needed him and it's turn to do something for him.

    My mother and grandmother are stressing that I need to basically stay out of this. I dated him for five months years ago, I lost my virginity to him, so there is a history there. HOWEVER, I have a boyfriend of three years, who is absolutely awesome, and has no reservations about this friendship.

    Please don't tell me to cut him out of my life, or that I'm making problems in the marriage, because I need him in my life. He is so supportive and amazing, and the past is definitely behind us.

    The Answer
    You need to stay out of this. You are an ex girlfriend, and just because you don't want him back or anything, doesn't mean that the history you is a non-issue. Simply your status as ex girlfriend could make his problems worse, not better, no matter how little interest either of you have in the other.

    "Staying out of it" doesn't mean you can't be there for him when he calls, or listen sympathetically, but it doesn't mean that offering advice isn't your job. The best advice you can give him is to seek counselling - if she wont go with him, he can go alone.

    You may certainly be right that he has personal needs and interests that need addressing, but some of the rest of your advice (getting a dog, renting another room) really does betray your lack and experience as well as crosses the line to inappropriate meddling in his marriage.

    It's lovely and normal to want to give someone advice when they are unhappy, but it really doesn't sound like your impulse to advise is helping right now. Being a friend doesn't mean having all the answers, it just means listening, connecting and respecting another person.

    Keep the friendship - but stop it with the half-thought out advice and meddling. Don't feel bad for not being his therapist. That's not your job. You are there to listen and be a friend, not have the all the answers to his marriage woes. He and wife are the two people who are capable of coming up with those answers. It's not your role, and if you try to take it on, you'll get burned.
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    The Question
    Hey all.

    This is my first post.

    My girlfriend has the tendency to get really upset when things do not go her way. We're both 18. They relationship is pretty much perfect and we're both very happy with each other.

    For example, yesterday she wanted to play Just Dance and I told her I was not in the mood. She persisted and took it so seriously, and played Just Dance for 15 minutes afterwards without saying a single word to me. She realizes that she does this and she wants to change herself and we do not know how to.

    Please help.

    Thanks.

    The Answer
    Therapy?

    The honest answer is - this aint your problem. This is her problem and she needs to take control of her own feelings and behaviours. There might be basically nothing you can do to help her with this. It's all on her.

    I'm never fond of making a boyfriend or girlfriend feel like it's their job to be the therapist for their partner. Really, encourage her to talk to someone about her anger. Chances are this is a problem that manifests in a lot of areas of her life, and could be holding her back with friends, family and definitely could hurt her at work. It's the kind of thing therapy is meant for, and is really good at.

    She knows she has a problem. If she had a problem not knowing how to fix her car, or a broken lamp, she's look for professional advice. This is the same thing. She deserves a pro.
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    The Question
    21/f, 28/m

    Long story short: I've been with a guy for a 7-8 months.

    I have this gut instinct that majority of the time is correct. For example, my gut instinct tells me to bring an umbrella but I don't, it starts raining later on. I had a gut instinct a few days ago that something was wrong in my relationship. I decided to ignore it because it I didn't understand what it was about. Later on, his ex-girlfriend started popping up in my mind and I thought I was just being paranoid. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and that if something were to happen, he would tell me himself.

    In the end, I snooped and went through his phone and saw a short conversation between them two. I was not worried about her because she was the one who broke up with him, but I did question his loyalty towards me. It turns out my gut instinct was correct. I didn't mind him trying to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, the only thing that had me change my mind is what he said to her. She asked him for a link to a website that he used and said she was sorry for interrupting. He said that she shouldn't be sorry and that he "missed having her in his life". She asked if he has been dating anyone and he responded, "yes, but they're nothing compared to you. You set your standards up pretty high. You should be proud of yourself." And she said thanks and the reason why she was asking was because she wanted to know that he was moving on. She said that she has been dating a few people and that she found someone that she really liked but the only downside was that he lives in Australia. His response was, "oh, congratulations" and she said, "Thanks for the link. I hope you're doing well and you'll find someone that's good for you. We just weren't the right fit."

    I was upset when reading it. I wanted to give him a chance to tell me. In the end, he did admit to me that he spoke to her a few days ago... He told me partially the whole truth, but not the whole truth. He tried convincing me by showing me his messages to her, but he DELETED the "i miss having you in my life," "yes but nobody compares to you" messages. He lied to me, told me I was being crazy, and that was the whole message. I then told him that he deleted something and he denied it for two hours. I revealed to him that I was snooping and I did happen to read it. I'm not saying that it was right to snoop, I was just hoping that my gut instinct was wrong and was a false alarm. He got quiet for awhile and then he finally admitted that he did delete a few messages.

    I was really upset. I told him that I was fine if he wanted to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, but the reason why I was not okay with it now was because of the way he spoke to her. I thought it was rude and disrespectful towards me. She's dating someone and she's not telling him that she missed having him in her life, etc. I said I would've considered it fine if he just sent her the link and just said, "hey, it's no problem. How are you doing?" versus "I miss having you in my life."

    I told him that I felt like it was disloyal, dishonest, and disrespectful towards me. He couldn't see it... He didn't see it as him being disloyal. He apologized for lying and he told me that he doesn't want to get back together with her. He admitted that when we first started dating, he wasn't completely over her and that he was still debating about me. He then said that his feelings for her has changed up until now and his feelings for me have changed, too. He said he just wanted to be friends with her because she was a big part of his life and it was upsetting that she didn't even want to be friends with him (at least right now). And that he wanted to be serious with me.

    He said that the way he worded the way he said those things to her, was that she knows him better than anybody else and he knows her better than anyone else other than her parents, she would understand what he meant. But it didn't seem like it to me if she asked him right afterward if he was dating other people. I told him that I was uncomfortable of him talking to her that way, and if she didn't want to be friends, I thought it would be healthy for him to let it go.

    If anything, he got defensive. He seemed to use the fact that I "snooped" a bigger deal. He said he didn't feel guilty of the conversation or the way he spoke to her but he did feel bad that I read it. I told him that if he told me everything from the beginning, I wouldn't have snooped, I would have trusted him to continually tell me things like that if he told me the first time. He didn't see it as him being disloyal, but he did apologize and see fault in lying. He told me he didn't want to tell me because during the day that she messaged him, he thought about it only for about that day and they didn't talk for months before. And after that, he forgot about it and focused on me. He tried seeing me more and he wanted to make me his priority.

    After him lying to me and the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I was hoping to gain some perspective from a third-party on this situation. What do you think I should do? Do you think he's telling me the truth? Or is he lying? Should I forgive him and set boundaries and consequences? Or should I completely leave him?

    The Answer
    Do you believe him?

    Here's the thing: You were never expected to see those messages. They were private. They were how he felt at one time, for a few minutes, while texting an ex. It's not disrespectful of him to HAVE feelings like that, or even to type them to someone. It might have hurt you, but that doesn't mean he is a horrible person. Feelings evolve and change, daily, even hourly. The fact that he felt that way once, doesn't mean he's definitely a filthy liar. He could just mean that he is a complicated and messy human being, like all of us are.

    He could be telling you the complete truth - He felt that way once, or for a moment in time, but it doesn't reflect all the ways he think and feels for you now.

    Here is the thing, not only did you snoop - you lied about snooping in order to entrap him. The right way to handle that would have been "Dude, I snooped. I shouldn't have, and I am sorry, but we need to talk about what I found because it's a serious issue." You didn't come clean about your snooping, not because you wanted to give him a chance to be honest, but because you were hurt and you wanted to make him hurt. You snooped, which is wrong and a betrayal, and then you lied about having snooped, which is also wrong and betrayal.

    He is legitimately pissed with you. What you did is at LEAST as bad as what he did. Frankly, I think it's way worse. What he did may well have been a momentarily lapse in judgement. You actively choose to snoop through his things and then again actively choose to lie about what you'd done.

    Seriously. You don't have to like it, or even admit to it yourself, but you fucked up at least as badly as he did. What you did was at least as disrespectful and disloyal. It doesn't mater much at all what you found, or what your gut told you, it matters what you did and did fucked up.

    If you don't believe his explanation, then break it off.

    If you believe him when he says that he wants to be serious with you now (which could absolutely be the 100% truth, I don't know. You are the one who actually knows him. You're going to be the best judge of that.) then you should forgive this. Not punish him or set boundaries or consequences - you have ZERO right to pull that sort of shit. You have no moral high-ground here - just forgive, believe in him, and move forward.

    And, if you believe him and want to be with him, you also need to ask his forgiveness, both for the snooping, and the shitty, mean-spirited way you handled what you found out.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Do you think this food is worth the added cost? I wan't to do the best for my puppy but I don't know if she would even care. What do you think?

    The Answer
    Your puppy probably won't care, but that doesn't mean it's not better to give her good food. Just like a kid wouldn't care (or might even like) eating McDonalds every night, it's still the grownups job to make sure they get what they actually need to be healthy.

    Taste of the Wild is a pretty good food. Lots of the cheaper foods you can get at grocery stores are basically junk food for dogs - they are awful and full low-grade meat byproducts and fatty fillers. Feeding your dog a better food will really help your dog live a better life (and look prettier!). It's totally worth it.

    I like to use dogfoodadvisor.com when I'm looking at dog foods. It is important you pick the right food for your dog (one they like, and ideally one that is easy for you to get.)

    Here is the entry for Taste of the Wild on dogfoodadvisor.com. You'll see it's a 4.5 outta 5. A really good grade. I actually feed my dog Fromm, which actually gets a slightly lower rating of 4, but it's a good fit for him in a bunch of other ways.

    http://www.dogfoodadvisor.com/dog-food-reviews/taste-of-the-wild-dog-food-dry/
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    how should i respond to his threat? he said he would distribute the pics in the net and my school's facebook page. please help

    The Answer
    If you are a high school student, than not only is he making a criminal threat, what he is suggesting he would do is a criminal act. Posting explicit photos of an underage girl is the kind of thing that can get him on the sex offenders registry for life.

    So tell him you'll call the police if those photos show up anywhere, and you'll show them the threats he made. And if he's very lucky, all that will happen in the police will talk to his parents and he's likely to get suspended from school for his actions against a fellow student. If he is less lucky, he could be looking at time in jail and a lifetime on the same list with rapists and pedophiles. However you look at it, it's just not worth it.

    Then you should tell your parents or at least, another trusted adult in your life. You made a mistake, but that's okay. A lot of people make mistakes like this sometimes. You still deserve support and you should ask for it. Don't suffer alone with this fear and stress.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've told one another to block certain people on our social networks because of past experiences. She is now into these things with ultimatums. Stating that it's either something or her. She suddenly doesn't trust me out of nowhere and always accuses me of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing when Im not with her. It's getting to the point where our arguments are suffocating me. My best girl ffriend and I talked about kind of liking each other but left it at that due to the fact that we are both in long lasting relationships. My girlfriend found out and she hadn't had a problem till now. Now she wants me to block her and she wants to control who my friends are. I have to ask her permission to go hang out aND if she's not "comfortable" with it then I can't go out. Basically I am only allowed to hang out with her. She has done some great things I will always be thankful to her for but idk if that's the only reason why I'm staying in this. I don't want to block my friend because she nor I ever crossed the line even tho, to my gf, we did. I also don't want to block some of my friends cause they're my friends. I don't want my relationship to be based on fear and power. I told her I'd stop talking to them but not block them. To me, that is a compromise and relationships are based off of that. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do. Also, she is my first love since hs to now

    The Answer
    Well, this is sorta just what you get when you start off your relationship with exactly this sort of mistrust and rules. You have both used this cruel, immature, bullying tatic before - and now you are upset because you think she's taking the bad thing you have both been doing, too far.

    I know this might upset you, but it's the truth. Once you start with ultimatums about who can be your boyfriend or girlfriends facebook friends (rather than respecting and trusting them to make good decisions and be faithful) you open the door to exactly this sort of problem.

    You want to turn back the clock? Start by accepting that trying to control who you partner is friends with is ALWAYS wrong. It was wrong when you both did it before, and it's wrong now. You are partly responsible for the fact this badness exists in your relationship. It ain't all her fault. You both brought it to this point.

    You don't need compromises. You both need trust and respect from the other. Stop spinning in circles and just get back to the basics of actually being nice to each other. This doesn't mean you get whatever you want. It means you admit you fucked it up and ask her to help you unfuckitup before it becomes too broken to fix.
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    The Question
    So recently my cousin came to stay with us for a while and we weren't as close at first but we became like best friends now he is 26 and I am 14(girl) a couple weeks ago he kissed me on the lips. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was an accident. But now he started rubbing my thighs and back really slowly and kind of sexually then he wanted to kiss me but this time longer. I kissed him anyway because I didn't know what to do. I feel really guilty and dirty afterwards but he seems to be his normal self. Is this ok? Or should I tell someone ?

    The Answer
    You should tell someone.

    He is taking advantage of his closeness as a family member and friend, to sexually assault you. He is counting on you being too confused and scarred to complain about what any adult woman would recognize as sexual abuse.

    Tell a trusted adult. If you can't or don't feel comfortable speaking to a parent, tell a teacher or a coach. Your cousin is doing something very, very wrong, and probably criminal. He is doing is because he thinks he can get away with it. The only way to make it stop for good is to get another adult involved.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    (late teens female.)So I've been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and 2 months. We love and care for each other very much.
    So we've done some exploring (no sex or oral) but we like to sext as a way to just let it out, and we come up with different situations etc.so my boyfriend really likes dragons. Which was okay, he likes dragons just like he likes music. No big deal.

    But recently... he's asked if i'd like to pretend to be dragons and we do it. Or if he and i could please different dragons... I love him to death but this makes me feel uncomfortable. He says they don't turn him on UNLESS he thinks about them doing sexual acts... IS this a fetish? I thought it was just a horny teenage boy who finds anything doing it giving him the ability to get hard. I'm not sure.

    I need help!! This makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable and now he's upset and... I need answers. Please! (This is not a laughing matter right now so please answer respectfully...) Thank you

    The Answer
    It's a little unwise to apply the word 'fetish' to someone else's' sexual interest, unless they call it a fetish. The word fetish means "a sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, idea, clothing, ect...".

    The person who has the sexual interest can tell you if it's a fetish or not, it's not really respectful to apply that label for them. It's best to ask them how they think a particular sexual interest or fantasy fits into their lives.

    However, this is not likely a teenage boy phase. It is possible, but more likely that this is a sexual fantasy that he will enjoy for the rest of his life. It's probably part of the person that he is.

    Lots of people have a particular idea or fantasy that is what really does it for them sexually. You should feel pleased that your boyfriend felt comfortable enough with you to share these really private thoughts with you.

    It's okay to be uncomfortable, and just because he told you about it doesn't mean you automatically need to be totally okay with it or keen to do what he enjoys, It's also important for him to recognize that some fantasies are fantasies that belong tucked away happily in our heads - not because they are wrong, but because not off them can be acted on in respectful ways, and no one else should feel forced to participate in something sexual that makes them unhappy or uncomfortable.

    If you are uncomfortable, let your boyfriend know that. Remind yourself, and him, that there is nothing wrong with what goes on in his own mind and that you shouldn't shame or judge him for his fantasies, but he also shouldn't expect you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    13/f
    last summer i visited new york city and loved it. I live in a small city in california and love the idea of growing up in new york. I mean theres so much to do and the idea of being in such a different environment excites me. So I've thought a lot about it, and decided that it would be awesome if we moved there. I know it sounds stupid, but everything seems boring here. I want to experience new things and grow up, have my teenage years in New York. I would miss my friends, but moving isn't the end of the world. I would feel bad asking my brother, sister, and parents to do this though. I don't want them to go through having to adapt to a new environment if their heart isn't in it.I finally concluded that I can't ask my family to move for me But i don't think i can not go back there. All I seem to think about is my time in New York. Every spare second I have is spent imagining me in New York or having the chance to audition for broadway(I love performing)No its not my hormones messing with my brain and this isn't a passing phase. What do I do?

    The Answer
    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know how some kids really, really want to go Hogwarts? Yeah. That is what you are feeling. New York may be a real place, but you are falling into exactly that kind of fantasy.

    There was never any way that your parents were going to uproot their entire lives just because you thought you might be happier in NYC. It's not just that it would be unfair to ask them - it's probably just not possible. They need to work, and NYC is an EXTREMELY expensive place to live. That was a little dream you had that was never, ever based in reality.

    If you want to get to NYC, really get there, then you need to be realistic. You need to look into camps for people your age, and scholarships and opportunities to study something in New York. You need to start saving your money so you can visit. You need to stop indulging in the fantasy of a 'growing up a teenager there', because if you don't, just like someone who can't stop wishing they were a wizard at Hogwarts, you will make yourself absolutely miserable.

    If you are unsatisfied in your life, look around you and try to find something you can achieve and a way to connect with others. Start making something, or playing something, or volunteering, but don't waste all your time in a dreamland. Not only will you not get to NYC by driving yourself to distraction dreaming of it, you will also miss out on that actual awesome teenage years you actually have.

    Major cities are great. I moved to one when I was 17, I started planing for that move when I was 14. It was hard work to get here, and sometimes it's damn hard to stay, but I was never blinded by the fantasy. It was a tough move and there a ton of downsides of living in a major city. I'll likely never own home here, because you basically need two people making $100,000 each to do that. I love the food, and the festivals, but I hate the mess and the noise.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Would I be wrong if I chose to tell some people, but not others what baby names I have in mind? I don’t plan to tell anyone except a few people because I don’t want to hear any criticism or suggestions. I feel like we're living in a time period where the trends of using unique names and of bringing classic names back are overlapping each other. Not everyone's going to like my ANY name I could possibly pick out and it seems like few people can hold their tongues about it.

    I don’t think I could keep a secret from my mom as she and I are very close. But I’m afraid my dad will think some names are silly and will make jokes about them, not in a mean way, but in an annoying way. For instance, the name I'm planning now is Nicholas, and I can imagine my dad calling him St. Nicholas (Santa Clause’s name). I also like Joseph for another boy and I can hear him asking Joseph where Mary and Jesus are. I love my dad and want to tell him, but I’m not up for those jokes. I want to tell my sister as well as she and I are also close, but I’m not close to her husband and don’t want him to know my names because he'll likely say something to p--- me off.

    I don't want any of them to tell anyone else because I'm already getting a headache with all of the criticism and suggestions. I suppose other than Nicholas Andrew, my favorite name is William Trent. I know people will call the nickname Will common and boring and that William and Trent don't go well together (call me weird, but I kind of like names that don't go well together to a certain point). I want to keep my names for ALL of my children a secret from Friends, coworkers, distant relatives, and my brother in law. Is this wrong?

    The Answer
    You need to either develop a backbone, or not tell anyone what names you are considering.

    It's not wrong to pick and choose who you want to speak too, but it is wrong to be so damn sensitive and fearful of what others will say. It's wrong to imagine that no one else is allowed to have an opinion on a whole bunch of names you are just considering right now.

    You are perfectly entitled to choose the names you like, and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want too what those names are. However, once you start telling some people, they are allowed to have opinions! And even if you ask them not too, they might tell other people they are close too, like their husbands.

    If you want to keep these names secret, then you need to keep them secret, and not speak to anyone about it. Otherwise, you are taking the risk that people may have opinions, and may say those opinions out loud. If you can't handle that, then it would be wrong to tell anyone what names you are considering until you have chosen one, and then you can tell people it is what is, and not to be jerks about the actual name you have selected. But if you can't handle any opinion other than your own while you still making up your mind, then don't share the information with anyone until you have made up your mind.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Saw your victim-blaming on some poor girl's post asking for advice on what to do about her father cheating on her mom. She definitely SHOULD say something, and you are a horrible person for chiding HER. She's not at fault here. She had reason to believe something was not right, but it would have been wrong for her to voice that suspicion without proof... so she found proof. And you're chiding her for "invading his privacy". I hope everyone you ever date cheats on you; maybe then you'll get it.

    The Answer
    That is not what victim-blaming means. Victim-blaming is a term that applies when a person is shamed or blamed after having done only things they are perfectly entitled to do, and were the victim of a crime. It's when a persons actions were utterly normal actions they were entitled to take, and people attempt to use them to excuse or justify the violence they experienced.

    No one is entitled to invade the privacy of others.

    It's not like wearing a short skirt, or being out too late at night - those are not reasons to be abused or assaulted. Invading someone's privacy is wrong all on it's own - and you don't get the be the victim just because you found out someone you don't like while doing something you have no right to do be doing. That's like complaining you're the real victim 'cause you got shot when you broke into someone's house.

    It's not victim-blaming to remind a person that they are not entitled to break into someone else's house, or invade someone else's privacy - ever. And that if you do those things, some of the possibly consequences include not liking what you find out.

    Adviceman has given you a wonderful answer about the very simple, human fact that children do not know everything about their parents marriage, and are not owed the whole and complete truth. A child is not wronged, they are not the victim, when someone cheats. They are just as loved and cared for by both parents as they would have been if those parents had never fucked anyone else in their lives.

    I have to add that wishing someone has everyone they ever date cheat on them - that is straight up hateful. You need to take a hard long look at what motivated you to even type that to a complete stranger online. That kind of hate comes from someplace - maybe your own pain and disappointment - but wherever it comes from you should get it under control. If you have been cheated on, or had a parent cheat, that might have hurt you deeply, but wishing that hurt on others is not a good way to handle it.

    It's totally okay to be hurting, but like the person who invaded her father's privacy because she is was hurting - the hurt of one person doesn't justify behaving badly towards others.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My girlfriend recently broke up with me. She said the way we communicate, and the way we think is different.

    She is a lot more emotional than I am, and suffers from depression. Because of this she tries her very best to be optimistic about everything. She's a dreamer, I am not. I am a realist. I'm in my head a lot. This can sometimes upset her when we have long talks because she wants to remain positive even knowing there is so much negative going on.
    I told her that often times these two types of people end up with/need each other. The realist to keep the dreamer grounded and the the dreamer to get the realist off the ground sometimes.


    Then there is the communication aspect. She claims I'm dismissive, and I agree, sometimes I am. But to be fair, sometimes she will talk about something I generally don't have much of a reaction to. Other times I just have so much to say that I will dismiss what she said, and say what I have to say. Which is not okay, but sometimes hard to control. (Ever since kindergarten I've had troubles raising my hand before speaking)

    I really want her back. I know things can't go back to normal right away but am I crazy to think that there is a possibility? She kept mentioning that maybe for right now we're not good for each other; imply that there is a chance that someday we will be.

    The Answer
    She broke up with you because she doesn't want to be with you.

    In 99.9% of cases, when someone says implies that "maybe, at some undefined time in the future, we can be together again" they are only saying that to be polite and soften the blow. They want out, and they will say whatever it takes to end the relationship without the other person flipping out.

    The idea that it takes a dreamer and a realist to make for a good relationship is a nice one, but it doesn't mean that you are the realist for her, or that she is the dreamer for you.

    Respect what she has told you. She has told you it's over.

    Is there a possibility of getting back together? Sure. There is also a possibility that aliens are visiting us right now and looking for that extra special human being to make first contact with. But the chance is so small, it's really not reasonable or healthy to live your life hoping for that.
    (View All Other Answers.)




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