Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    My friend and i were just at the pool hanging out and these boys came up to us and started talking to us. We thought they were nice...but we thought wrong. They took us to the shallow end and started jumping on us and then they started touching us... IN THOSE PLACES!! We tried all we could to get away from them but we couldn't get away. Then they started doing that with us. we felt their you-know-whats on our frontal privates and our back privates. so basically what I'm trying to say is that they ra*** us. when they finally stopped, we got out of the pool and started crying. I need something to keep my mind off of wanting to beat the living hell out of all of them but nothing is working. Usually music and dancing is what gets my mind off of things, but not this time. Can you give me any songs or anything to do to not want to beat the living hell out of them and am able to go to the pool without remembering what happened?

    The Answer
    You need to talk to an adult.

    The people who run the pool, need to know that this assault took place. They need to be able to be on the look out for these boys, in case they come back and try to abuse more girls.

    That is the best thing you can do to make the pool a safe place to be for you and everyone else. This isn't the kind of thing you just have to keep your mind off of, this is something that MUST be addressed by the adults in charge of this space.

    You don't have to just get over this and not think about it anymore. It was a crime and you should report it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I'm a 14 year old girl and there's a job that I want to have when I'm older and I don't know what it's called or if it's a real job at all. I've always had incredibly strong senses of empathy and sympathy so I'm always wanting to help people. The job I want is going around to different troubles countries and helping those who are starving and need medical help that they can't get in their countries. If obviously be putting myself in very dangerous positions sometimes but I'd rather die young changing the world than die of old age at home after a life of changing nothing. I'd also need to get some kind of doctoral training to get a ton of medical knowledge. Is this actually a career I can pursue?

    The Answer
    There are certainly programs and organizations that send doctors, dentists, optometrists and other medical professionals to countries in need.

    But when you are picking what you want your professions to be you, you should first focus on what you are good at and enjoy learning. Becoming any sort of doctor means spending at least 8 years in post-secondary school. It doesn't matter what your end goal is, if you hate every second of your training and education, you probably aren't going to make it through.

    It's great to know that you are passionate about helping people, but also focus on the day-to-day between then and now. That is what will help define the best path for you.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My brother in law had a heart attack, we have been doing his share of the work in our business for nearly a year. He isnt well enough to probably ever work, but he wants his income to continue so he wants us to keep doing his work. He has been careless in every aspect of his life, has substantial debt, and lives a lifestyle that will eventually kill him. How do we shake him loose? My husband is exhausted from all the extra work, I am frustrated and want to leave, my son feels like a slave. All we do is fight over this, we need him to stop being a burden to us.

    The Answer
    Your best bet is to speak to a lawyer. Even if your brother in law is simply an employee of the business, it is likely best to get a professional opinion about your legal responsibilities at this point. If your brother in law is an owner in some way, then you definitely need legal advice.

    No matter what you choose to do, either on your own or as a family, it will be difficult, but before you can even know exactly what your options are for addressing this you need to speak to a lawyer. Even the best path will probably take a while, but if you make a misstep, it could take even longer and be even more expensive and difficult for you.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    20/f

    There was this guy in college that I confessed my feelings to. He was a bit startled by my confession but he said we could try dating after our exam term is over. After 2 months he hasn't sent me a single text. We live in different towns. It is clear to me that he doesn't like me. I'm incredibly mad that he wasn't honest. I told him that it's ok if he doesn't like me back,that I understand and we can still stay friends. In spite of that he insisted he likes me. And then he went without even acknowledging my existence. I have an exam in 2 days and he'll be there too. I hate liars from the bottom of my soul. I will have a hard time resisting my urge to rip him apart. Confronting him will not help because he just avoids the subject. So,how do you suggest I should act around him? I'm a medical student and I am here to help people,not hurt them. But I really have an urge to kick this guy's a**.

    The Answer
    You are over-reacting.

    You are stressed, and hurt, and over-reacting.

    You did a good, brave thing telling him the truth about your feelings - but just because he hasn't followed up yet doesn't mean he's a horrible human being and a liar. It just means he isn't as brave as you are.

    He might have been perfectly honest with you at the time - but it doesn't mean it's that simple for him, or that his feelings have stayed the same, or that he isn't afraid or shy. You don't know him. You don't know his heart, and you don't know what shit is going down in his world. Have a bit more humility when passing judgement.

    So check your wrath. He's proven he's imperfect - and probably not someone you really want to date - but not that he is an asshole or a monster. Stop jumping to the worst assumptions about your fellow human beings.

    It's fine to be annoyed with him, but there is nothing you've said here that makes this degree of anger or kicking his ass, or even confronting him, a reasonable reaction. You are legitimately stressed out about your exams, don't let that stress turn you into an unforgiving jerk towards others. Ignore this guy. He probably just chickened out. Human beings do that. Someday you might end up doing it. It's annoying and disappointing, but it's not reason to behave with judgement or cruelty towards others.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    According to chain messages, I should've died millions of times, gotten injured, heard laughing in my bathroom, an old lady throw her 10 cats at me in my backyard, turkey shoved up my butt, world war 3 released on my chest, my kids killed (I don't have kids soooo), have a ghost girl screwing with me every night, have seen a little dead girl in my room twice, been thrown down a sewer, my mom dead (she's cooking dinner in the kitchen right now I'm 11), and a clown who turned into the devil because he had sex "eat your penus and your vagina 2! (Oh I knew I had a vagina but I didn't know I also have a penus! And if sex turns you into the devil we should have a lot of devils), and my computer should be on fire and other really weird and disturbing stuff. The chain letters I recieved were hilarious and not true. Seriously, some vortex enters my computer whenever I recieve some story made by a random troll that finds out my location at every second, knows about my emails and if I forward them in said time and if I don't that force will create said punishment to happen to me? Bull shit.

    The Answer
    If you are genuinely curious why these sorts of ideas are so catching, and make otherwise smart people believe stupid things, I'd definitely recommend the book Why People Believe Weird Things by Michael Shermer.

    There are reasons that human beings are so prone to magical thinking like this. Personally, I think it's quite cool to look into why our brains behave a certain way. It can also help you spot the others ways in which your mind plays tricks on you - sometimes even for your own good!
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    i have an addiction to porn...how do i quit

    The Answer
    You just do.

    Porn is a behavoir, not a substance. It's can be a compulsion, but not a chemical addiction. You are in control of this behavoir. As difficult and challenging as it may be to change, you are in control.

    There are tools available to restrict your own internet access to adult sites, and there are many online communities dedicated to helping people resist the urge.

    It's difficult to give you more advice than that without knowing what the problem is exactly and what it is you want to do about it. So figure out what your personal goals are, and what behavoir you want to change, and then find the tools and resources that fit your goals.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    i finally got nomintated for the ice bucket challenge and the thing is I recently found out that als tests on animals. and i heard from someone i can do it for ccals.org which is compassionate care and they dont test on animals or anything. im really against testing on animals and i have a little over 12 hours to do my challenge. how can i word it to make others also aware that they are testing on animals and is ccals.org the actual other thing that will support the same cause just minus the testing on animals. any advice would be extremely greatful thankyou so much in advance to anyone who replies

    The Answer
    Karen has given your great, bang on advice, I'm going to second her very strongly.

    If you, or anyone you love, has ever had a serious medical issue, like diabetes or cancer, then they have received medical care that was developed, tested and perfected on animals before it was ever used on humans.

    I know many people will suggest that there is 'no need' to test on animals, and it is true that there is really no need or justification for testing commercial products like make up or snack food on animals. However, animal testing is still a vital part of the development of medication and other medical techniques and therapies.

    If you have ever raised money for a Cancer run or charity then you have already given money to organizations that fund animal testing. Animal research was essential for the development of Herceptin and Tamoxifen - the two main drugs used today to treat breast cancer. Childhood Leukaemia used to be a death sentence. Thirty years ago survival rate was barely 5%. The therapy that was developed to treat this horrible form of cancer was tested on mice. Today, the survival rate for these children is nearly 80%. Even the VP of PETA, takes insulin to manage her diabetes, a drug that not only was developed through animal testing, but is also not vegan, as it contains animal products.

    The choice is actually very real: We can test on animals, or we can let people suffer and die.

    Finally, let me tell you a bit about the vets I have met who work in medical testing labs. These labs, often associated with universities or hospital, have full time vets on staff who work with these animals every day and who help make sure they never suffer unduly. In fact, many people allow their house pets to suffer far more - without care or euthanization - than would ever be acceptable in a lab environment. Not only do researchers have to submit a bunch of arguments and support for why, and how they will perform their animals studies ethically, these vets are the most passionate advocates for animals that I have ever met, and are often the ones who adopt or find homes for, the animals whose time in the lab is done - that's right - many animals actually survive and live happy lives after they are no longer useful for medical testing.

    Frankly, a neurodegenerative disease like ALS, is just not going to cured without animal testing at this point in history. Even a hundred years from now, such a complex illness that attacks such a huge amount of the bodies systems, is still probably going to need to animal research and trials to develop any sort of treatment.

    If you don't want to give your money to an organization that might give money to research using animals, that's fine, don't. But that isn't just the ALS Association, that is basically every reputable charity fighting any major illness.

    If you want to support ccals.org, go ahead and do that, but remember they are not looking to cure or develop treatments or therapies for ALS. They are supporting families and the people are currently dying from it. When a new treatment or cure does exist - almost definitely one that will be developed with some animal testing - CCLS will not be opposing it. They will welcome it with open arms, and helping their clients access it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I have two teenage daughters who have been blessed with musical talent and beautiful singing voices.There is a talent show at our county fair every year and they want to participate. I am almost certain one of them would win or place as a runner up. Therein lies the problem! They have a close loving relationship but they are extremely competitive with each other when it comes to music. So far I have never allowed them to compete against each other because I am afraid this could create a permanent rift between them. I have tried to encourage them to sing together as a duet but they refuse. Should I allow them to compete individually and possibly damage their relationship for life?

    The Answer
    Honestly, not allowing them to compete against one another, while they are still under your roof and you can mediate and help them handle the fallout, will only delay any possible problems until they are older and you aren't around to influence how it gets handled.

    Eventually, they will find themselves in competition, either with each other or with other people - including close friends. You aren't doing them any favours by not teaching them how to win, and loose, with grace and respect.

    Take this as an opportunity to school them on respect. If they fail utterly, then denying them opportunities to compete makes some sense, but at least give them a chance to be successful - not just to be successful at the talent show, but successful at being fair competitors who treat one another with love and respect.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    High school girl, sophomore and I weigh 253lbs. I'm told all the time that I look far older than I am and that my weight balances out pretty well and that I don't look as big as I actually am. Gym class this last year was torture for me because most of the guys were making fun of me the whole period for being fat. I've been made fun of since kindergarten. No one's really ever liked me. I've been in a new school for two years now and no one here likes me too much. Most guys avoid talking to me at all costs. So I wanna hear it from the guys, does anyone even like big chicks??? In the last three years, I've gone from being outgoing and bubbly to being too afraid to walk to the other end of the cafeteria just to dump my freaking tray because I'm paranoid and feel like everyone is watching me. Just wondering. Thanks in advance!

    The Answer
    Do normal, not-creepy guys even like fat chicks?
    Yes.

    Do normal, not-creepy guys like fat chicks while they are in high school?
    Probably not.

    There are guys who are particularly into larger girls. However, most of them aren't able to admit that, or act on in, when they are younger. Guys get a lot of pressure to date the 'right kind of girl' and a lot of bullshit if they don't.

    Most guys can't get past that in high school or even in college.

    So yes, it's very possible in the world, but very unlikely that guys who particularity prefer larger girls, will act on that while they are still in school and feeling all those peer and social pressures.

    It sucks, but I'm trying to just tell you the truth. Being a bigger girl is hard, but it's way harder in high school than pretty much at any other point in your life. Don't think just because all the boys you met now are cowards and/or bullies means they are always will be - or that it's about you.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Hello Advicenators,

    My father told me to start translating a book, so I started translating it about 3 days ago. Its a self help book, anyways, today he tells me that he plans to publish my translation and sell it as a book. I was thinking more along the lines of uploading the translated self help book online on scribd and torrent websites so that people could download it for free. Who has better karma in this case? me who wants to give away the translated self help book for free or my father Who in this case came up with the idea to translate the selfhelp book however he would like to sell it at a price?

    I would appreciate some advice.

    thanks

    The Answer
    You are both wrong. The person who originally wrote the book, has the ALL of rights to the work. Just because you translate something doesn't make it yours.

    You cannot translate their work, and then sell it or give it away, without getting the permission of the person who holds the copyright for the original work - likely that is the original author. Only a very few, older books, are in the public domain. A more recent self-help book is almost certainly under copyright.

    Neither of you have any right to share this work in any way, unless you have received permission form the original author, or the person currently holding the rights to the book, such as an estate or a publisher. If you publish someone else's work, without their permission, even in another language, you are committing copyright infringement and theft.

    I don't know much about karma, but I'm pretty sure theft is not okay.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I just love being alone. It's really hard for me to find people I like. And even if I do like them, I still don't want to be around them for longer than maybe half an hour. And if I could choose, I wouldn't be around them at all. It takes up so much energy to be outside and around people.
    But I'm not really unhappy. The only person I feel really comfortable being around is my boyfriend. But I think that has to do with the fact that he too, is a quiet person and he just understands me in every way.
    The thing is that I have to be around people every day so how can I relax more and be less annoyed or stressed out by it? I'm not really afraid of them, I just get really stressed. I don't think that I have a "disorder". I think that it's perfectly fine to like being alone. The only reason it's a problem for me, is that I have to be around people, because society makes me. I'm a student so I have no choice. And it's really making me tired throughout the day. When I get home I just want to sleep because I feel so tired but I can't because I have to study.
    So I need a few tipps. :(

    The Answer
    You don't necessarily need to think of this as a disorder, but if you have a great deal of anxiety and exhaustion after normal interactions with fellow students, or coworkers, or other family members, that is the sort of thing a therapist can help you get comfortable and gain skills at.

    Some of us - myself and my partner included - really do need alone time to keep ourselves sane and to recharge. That is fine, but it's not fine to suffering or to be unable to deal with the perfectly reasonable human interactions that our society is fundamentally based on. That's not how 'society works. That is how 'being alive works'. It requires us to engage with one another in peaceful and friendly ways. Even wolves in packs and birds in flocks have to do that. Human beings cannot live entirely as islands.

    If you are struggling with normal, day-to-day tasks of interacting, that is a problem. If are exhausted to a degree that you can't function once you get your alone time, that is a problem. That's not 'just introversion' or 'just your personal preference'. That is a social anxiety disorder or another similar issue. You may not be nearly so far gone as you think a 'disorder' would be, but you are certainly well on your way when you are having that degree of difficulty.

    As I said, there are techniques and skills that you can learn to make yourself calmer and to build up your capacity for interacting with others, but there isn't one solution that works for every person. It's very personal. It's about figuring out ways to take care of yourself and ways to manage your anxiety and energy. A therapist or counsellor is the best person to help you select the solutions that will work for you. It might take some looking, but I'm sure you can find someone who will work on those solutions with you without worrying too much about the labels.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My sister got married recently and she and her husband have very different feelings about dogs. Our family has always had dogs. We love them and my sister can't imagine her children not having one. Her husband however doesn't like dogs. He had one when he was a kid, but has stated numerous times that he's not a dog person.

    They've agreed to get a border collie, but her husband is insisting that the dog will stay at their ranch house and they will visit it only on occasion to make sure it has enough food and water. This is a very stupid idea. We had a border collie when we were young and he was incredibly friendly and energetic. Those dogs are known for being that way. If they got one and left it by itself all of the time with no one to play with and nowhere to run around. It'd be miserable and we would probably run away. This sounds mean but I'd hope it would run away and find a family that would love it and give it the attention it deserves.

    I know my sister wants a dog and I want her and my nieces and nephews to have one to, but not of its going to be locked up all alone in a barn all of the time. Especially if it's a border collie or other friendly, energetic dog. I know whatever they do is out of my control, but is there any advice I can give them for the dog's sake?

    The Answer
    Just tell her exactly what you told us.

    You would love for to her have a dog, but she should know better than to force a dog to live in those circumstances. If the dog is treated like a rejected, wild animal - it'll likely behave that way. If it is denied the comforts of a family and pack, and the mental and physical stimulation it needs, it wont know how to be good and gentle around people. She'll ruin the dog and end up with an out-of-control beast locked in a barn.

    It also isn't particularly safe to leave a domesticated pet alone in a barn all day. Think of the financial cost, as well as the trauma to the family, if the dog gets hurt.

    If her husband cannot deal with a dog in an appropriate, respectful way, then the dog can't be there. She wouldn't have agreed to have children with him if he thought he could lock them up in the barn would she? Of course not. She knows this isn't okay. As her sister, don't talk down to her, but remind her of what she already knows.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Recently, I've auditioned for a musical at a local theatre, and I got a very bad role. Judging by the age/skill of the other people there, I was one of the top three in voice skill, and the best at acting in general. When we got the parts, this camp (Read: CHILDREN'S CAMP. Nothing professional.) gave roles almost perfectly to those who looked the part. I really hate going there, and I feel like I should drop out, but I would also feel bad if I did that. What should I do?

    The Answer
    Do you want to be an actor?

    Then you need to suck it up, because for the rest of your life people will be getting roles for reasons you neither know or understand.

    At an amateur level, especially with children, there will be things that are actually much more important than pure talent. Things like knowing the young person is reliable and punctual and dedicated to working with the organization. Even in the professional world, directors and casting agents prefer the known quality - actors they know or have a solid reputation of being good to work with. It's not just about delivering on stage or on camera, the work it takes to get there is just as (if not more) important.

    If this was the first time you'd ever auditioned for this group, no matter how talented you might be, it was deeply unlikely you were going to get a leading role. You are an unknown. There is no reason for them to take a risk on you while they are trying to create a positive experience for all the young people involved.

    If you want to keep growing with this group, then be team player. Show up, know your role, and be supportive and kind to others. That is how you create a network of fellow artists who respect and value you. That is part of how you let the adults in charge know that you are reliable and can be trusted with a bigger part.

    If you drop out, you wont get a larger part the next time you audition, because no one wants to have to recast a role each time you decide you aren't satisfied. That hurts everyone.

    If you only wanted to do this for fun, not because you are serious about being a performer, or if you know you don't want to work with this group again ever, then go ahead and drop out.

    But if acting is what you want to do, you need to learn how to have a bit part, because every professional actor spends way more time in small part than in leading roles.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Ok so my school makes our skirt be 2 in above the knee but the only thing is everyone wears it shorter. Plz dont say roll it or hem it or pull it up because we have to tuck in our skirt and thats againts the rules :) i have to go back TOMMORW
    ThX

    The Answer
    There is no magic spell here. You either have to make it shorter by removing fabric from the bottom (by heaming it) or removing fabric from the top by rolling it or raising it at the waist.

    There is a special kind of tape you can buy at fabric stores to help you heam something without having to see, but it's not always effective on heavier fabrics and wools - which your skirt is likely made of. Other than that, I'm afraid there just isn't a magically solution besides the obvious ones.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am a 33 year old man and I have been having an affair regretfully with someone for 2 years. I have tried to break it off with her twice and she always threatens to tell my wife. As long as I am having sex with her she doesn't care about my marriage. I am continuing with the affair for the sake of my marriage and I don't know what to do.

    The Answer
    You need to tell your wife. Beg her forgiveness, and rededicated yourself to your marriage.

    If you want to save your marriage, that is your only real option.

    Either that, or you keep up with the affair until your mistress tells your wife, or wife finds out on her own.

    The only way you can rob this blackmailing woman of any of her power, is to come clean to your wife. Until you do that, she will absolutely power of you and your marriage.

    Until you are truthful with your wife, you have enslaved yourself and your wife, to this other woman.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    ***I'm not sure who this question was initially sent to when I wasn't logged in, but I wanted it sent to the entire pool, so if there is a duplicate, please delete the other, wherever it landed.***

    My husband travels a lot for work and is currently away for a few months. We've always talked several times a day whenever he's been gone, but 3 days ago, he said he needed a break to focus on work, but since he's still using his personal email a half dozen times a day--I know because it syncs w/ our home computer so I can see what he does, but I didn't look at it until it had been nearly 60 hours since hearing from him--I know he's not THAT busy because he's emailing plans for a big drinking/strippers party with his buddies. Originally he told me to save the date so I could go to an event that same weekend, but he's writing everyone else that no wives are allowed.

    So we did have a fight, which is undoubtedly the real reason he doesn't want to talk. He claimed I "wasn't on his side," in a conflict, and it drove him crazy that I didn't think my friend was wrong.

    My husband constantly asks me to look up other guys on dating sites to sleep with to make a sex tape for him, and I'll help him fantasize about it and say filthy things, but I've never actually gone looking or taken it seriously. He suddenly contacted two people on my behalf without asking me, which is really embarrassing, because we know them. One is a friend of his, who politely declined, but to teach my husband a lesson for pimping me out to his friends, I sent him a series of texts that made him think it happened for six minutes, during which time he was going crazy with jealousy and fear, so I thought it was over. Then, when I was planning on visiting my friend and his wife (the center of this conflict), my husband got the idea to propose to him he make a tape with me. So the offensive thing my friend said was he would do 1st & 2nd base, but nothing below the belt--and since he "told" my husband what would happen rather than collaborating; whereas I felt my friend & wife had their own limits, and since they were well below what my husband was requesting, he was merely asserting how far he was willing to go. Husband said the tone showed he was trying to move in and alpha-dog him, so I can't be friends with them. He's never made this kind of rule, and it would have been awkward for me anyway, so I didn't visit them.

    I want to make my husband happy; I don't know what drives him to these powerful, almost obsessive fantasies of me cheating on him whenever we talk dirty, but I know for sure he doesn't want it in real life and neither do I. I actually worried that he was cheating because being cut off is so unusual. I asked about other women and he said no one could hold a candle to me, I was being insecure. I believe him with about 98% confidence, but I still feel shut out, even if another woman's not the reason.

    Last time we talked, my husband threatens/jokes about being celibate, because he says that the only fix for one extreme is another. I feel like he's being unfair, but I don't know how to make him see/care that he's not treating me well when he plans juvenile parties, tells people to sleep with me, and cuts me off instead of talking it out. Also, if my friend was wrong, I'd like to be convinced so I can agree with my husband and make him feel better.

    The Answer
    Your husband needs therapy, ideally by himself and with you. But if he only willing to do one of those - then just get it started.

    He's being abusive. I know it's a scary word, but it's accurate. Exposing someone (you) to sexual situations they haven't consented too is abuse. The lies, the manipulation, the confused drive to both shame you and control you... It's impossible to guess why he is doing this, but the what is clear: he is demanding an unacceptable degree of control over you and he is deliberately exposing you to situations you haven't consented too.

    Your friend is not wrong to have boundaries, or to express them and stick to them. Your husband's inability to deal with another person telling him the truth and setting healthy limits is just another sign of how deeply confused he is right now and how desperate he is to exert control over others - especially you.

    If he can't get these impulses under control, or find healthier ways to express his sexual interests, he's going to loose you. Right? You don't plan on sticking this out forever if it stays like this, right? If not, tell him so. It's not a threat. It's just a fact. His behaviour will kill all the love between you two. Tell him to get his butt into therapy if he wants to keep his marriage.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My fiancé and I have two young daughters (under the age of 3), we've been engaged for a long time (4 years) and have decided to start planning our wedding for next year. My future sister in law just got engaged and already has a wedding date picked. She sent me a text earlier and stated that she hopes her nieces can be flower girls in her wedding. Problem is, I wanted my daughters to have their first flower girl experience in my wedding. Is it rude to tell my future SIL that and decline (and possibly make family upset) or just hate the idea but agree to it anyways?!

    The Answer
    It is selfish, pretty much by definition. You are concerning yourself only with your own, personal, satisfaction, regardless of anyone else's feelings - including your own children's. You also haven't mentioned your fiance's feelings, which absolutely must be taken into account here.

    People are generally considered to be entitled to be selfish when it comes to their own wedding, but yeah, you are likely going to upset family members. It's always hurtful to decline an invitation to be part of a wedding party.

    Your children are quite young. The marriage of their parents will be a special, awesome thing, regardless of how many bridal parties they have been in before. Frankly, at their age I'd be thrilled to have a 'test run' prior to your own big day. It will likely help you avoid meltdowns on your wedding day, if they have a frame of reference for what is going on, and when their mom and dad will be busier and things will generally be more exciting and different for them.

    You are already special to them. Will always be special to them. They will not - in all honesty - remember your wedding very well in their adulthood given their ages. Most of what they will remember will be reflected in photos and stories you tell them. So trying to control their memories of which one was 'first' at this point in their lives is a bit silly. No one can tell you what will stand out in a 5 years old's mind when they are 20. The goal of being the groom at their 'first' wedding is goal that is really about your feelings, not what they will think of as their 'first' wedding. A much healthier goal for yourself and your children would be making sure that your wedding day is enjoyable for them and stress-free for the whole family. Allowing them to participate in a wedding prior to that might actually be a big help, not to mention an honour offered to them by a loving aunt whose feelings will almost certainly be hurt by your rejection.

    So talk to your fiance - but my advice to is to allow them to do it and NOT to sit back and hate it and resent your SIL. Your children are likely to pick up on that and assume your anger is about them (because children are magically able to make any unhappiness between adults their own fault.) So check this selfish impulse, celebrate with genuine happiness and use this first wedding as a good learning experience for your girls so they feel like pros by the time your own comes around.
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    The Question
    I'm one year into transition from M to F,had an orchi in December,been living as a female since.I've had my gender marker changed {social security,insurances,titles and deeds,driver's license,credit cards,etc.}I show significant growth in breasts and hips.I still get called Sir often and get stared at and called names (99% of the time by males of all ages}.I try not to show how hurtful these things affect me and try to exit bad scenes as fast as I can without crying {blood in the water and all that}.I often fear for my safety and am constantly looking for escape routes and safe places.My female friends say this is all part of the female experience and to get used to it.Now I wonder if I'm brave enough to be female,I never considered that being trans was always living in fear.What should I do now? I'm finally happy with myself and now I'm scared to go on.What do I do now???

    The Answer
    Goodness. You have to wait more than a few hours! It's not a chat room. Questions are screened, and even then, early morning on a Saturday is a slowish time!

    But you are right - chances are no one here has a good answer for you. You'd be best to reach out to a therapist or a support/social group for trans women. You are going through a very particular transition and struggles. Not everyone is going to be able to relate or offer good advice.

    It's true that being a woman - out in public - means being at risk for cruel comments about your body, about your weight, about what you are wearing. I live in a big city and it's unusual for me to get through a month without some form of casual street harassment. Some of it's simple rudeness like insisting I smile or cat-calling, and some of it is vulgar and/or frightening. Most women spend a lot of time being aware, on some level, of safe spaces and not safe spaces to be in, and when they are in spaces that are less safe, of ways to get away or get help quickly. That is, unfortunately, a normal part of womanhood.

    And it'll be worse for you than a ciswomen - unfortunately - because you'll not just get the harassment aimed at you as a woman, but also as a trans person. You are on the receiving end of a double-bill of bullshit. You ARE at a greater risk of violence than a ciswomen is. Your female friends were right - but also wrong - statistically speaking, you've probably got it much worse than they do.

    The best thing you can do is build a support network of positive people - including other trans and queer individuals - who you can talk too and be at peace with.
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    The Question
    my boyfriend made another facebook account hidden from me and the cover photo was a picture with this girl whom i do not know. i accidentally saw their pictures on july 2 2014 and i confronted him but he said that its not what i think thats why i decided to ask the girl..she said that my boyfriend was his boyfriend and she is pregnant. i ask him to choose and he said that he cannot leave the girl for the meantime since her pregnancy was quiet dangerous. he said that he was sorry and ask me to give him a chance to fix the mess he made. i ask for an explanation and he said that he met this girl on facebook march 2014 and courted her for fun. they ve been in a relationship on may 8 2014 but personally meet on june 2 and had sex. they meet again june 20 and had sex again. but now he is not sure if the baby is his thats why he is pulling away from the girl. and said that he is starting to fix the mess that he made. he also deactivated the facebook account that he temporarily made to prove to me that he wants to fix our relationship. i love him so much that i think i cannot live without him in my life. is it possible that the baby`s father is my boyfriend if they had sex on june 2 and june 20 only, and the last period of the girl is may 16-20? i have 3 things in my mind right now (1). move on and start all over again (2). give him a chance if the baby is not his because this is the first time he cheated and i think he deserve one last chance though i wouldnt give him a chance if the baby is his because our life would be complicated with the mother and his baby around (3). give him a chance and let him prove himself for a year or two that he is worth another chance. and also to test him if he can now be faithful to me. if he was able to that then i will marry him. what do you think is the best thing to do? we are in a long distance relationship.

    The Answer
    Your boyfriend could certainly be the father.

    You should dump him.

    You should dump him because there is a real chance that the baby is his, and it's not fair or respectful to use the baby's paternity as a the reason to break up or not. It's okay to not want to be with him if he has a baby, but don't stick around just to be sure, and then dump him when the DNA test comes back positive. He has no control over that at this point, and making your relationship contingent on the child's paternity will only encourage him to lie to you. If you know you don't want to be with a guy who has a kid, dump him now.

    You should dump him because asking him to 'prove himself' and 'testing' him is cheap move and a waste of your time and energy. Either you can trust him - or you can't. If you can't, no amount of perfect behaviour or tests is going to change that. If you can't trust him, dump him now.
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    The Question
    My brother told me about water poisoning. I drink a LOT of water a day, a lot that it's probably unhealthy, and now I'm kind of worried. I'm pretty sure I drink more than 8 cups a day.

    I'm going to start measuring 8 cups a day of water since that's how much I should have a day, but do I have water poisoning? How do I know if I have it? I googled it and read that it IS indeed true; It wasn't him trying to scare me.

    The Answer
    You have nothing to worry about.

    The people who get water poisoning drink litres of it - very quickly. The last women who died this way drank over 6 litres in an hour as part of a water-drinking contest. That's about the equivalent of 50 glasses of water. The human body just can't process water that quickly.

    Are you drinking 50 glasses of water in an hour? No.
    You are drinking the normal, healthy amount of water a person should drink.

    Don't get yourself stressed out. You are fine.
    (View All Other Answers.)




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