Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    13/f
    last summer i visited new york city and loved it. I live in a small city in california and love the idea of growing up in new york. I mean theres so much to do and the idea of being in such a different environment excites me. So I've thought a lot about it, and decided that it would be awesome if we moved there. I know it sounds stupid, but everything seems boring here. I want to experience new things and grow up, have my teenage years in New York. I would miss my friends, but moving isn't the end of the world. I would feel bad asking my brother, sister, and parents to do this though. I don't want them to go through having to adapt to a new environment if their heart isn't in it.I finally concluded that I can't ask my family to move for me But i don't think i can not go back there. All I seem to think about is my time in New York. Every spare second I have is spent imagining me in New York or having the chance to audition for broadway(I love performing)No its not my hormones messing with my brain and this isn't a passing phase. What do I do?

    The Answer
    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know how some kids really, really want to go Hogwarts? Yeah. That is what you are feeling. New York may be a real place, but you are falling into exactly that kind of fantasy.

    There was never any way that your parents were going to uproot their entire lives just because you thought you might be happier in NYC. It's not just that it would be unfair to ask them - it's probably just not possible. They need to work, and NYC is an EXTREMELY expensive place to live. That was a little dream you had that was never, ever based in reality.

    If you want to get to NYC, really get there, then you need to be realistic. You need to look into camps for people your age, and scholarships and opportunities to study something in New York. You need to start saving your money so you can visit. You need to stop indulging in the fantasy of a 'growing up a teenager there', because if you don't, just like someone who can't stop wishing they were a wizard at Hogwarts, you will make yourself absolutely miserable.

    If you are unsatisfied in your life, look around you and try to find something you can achieve and a way to connect with others. Start making something, or playing something, or volunteering, but don't waste all your time in a dreamland. Not only will you not get to NYC by driving yourself to distraction dreaming of it, you will also miss out on that actual awesome teenage years you actually have.

    Major cities are great. I moved to one when I was 17, I started planing for that move when I was 14. It was hard work to get here, and sometimes it's damn hard to stay, but I was never blinded by the fantasy. It was a tough move and there a ton of downsides of living in a major city. I'll likely never own home here, because you basically need two people making $100,000 each to do that. I love the food, and the festivals, but I hate the mess and the noise.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Would I be wrong if I chose to tell some people, but not others what baby names I have in mind? I don’t plan to tell anyone except a few people because I don’t want to hear any criticism or suggestions. I feel like we're living in a time period where the trends of using unique names and of bringing classic names back are overlapping each other. Not everyone's going to like my ANY name I could possibly pick out and it seems like few people can hold their tongues about it.

    I don’t think I could keep a secret from my mom as she and I are very close. But I’m afraid my dad will think some names are silly and will make jokes about them, not in a mean way, but in an annoying way. For instance, the name I'm planning now is Nicholas, and I can imagine my dad calling him St. Nicholas (Santa Clause’s name). I also like Joseph for another boy and I can hear him asking Joseph where Mary and Jesus are. I love my dad and want to tell him, but I’m not up for those jokes. I want to tell my sister as well as she and I are also close, but I’m not close to her husband and don’t want him to know my names because he'll likely say something to p--- me off.

    I don't want any of them to tell anyone else because I'm already getting a headache with all of the criticism and suggestions. I suppose other than Nicholas Andrew, my favorite name is William Trent. I know people will call the nickname Will common and boring and that William and Trent don't go well together (call me weird, but I kind of like names that don't go well together to a certain point). I want to keep my names for ALL of my children a secret from Friends, coworkers, distant relatives, and my brother in law. Is this wrong?

    The Answer
    You need to either develop a backbone, or not tell anyone what names you are considering.

    It's not wrong to pick and choose who you want to speak too, but it is wrong to be so damn sensitive and fearful of what others will say. It's wrong to imagine that no one else is allowed to have an opinion on a whole bunch of names you are just considering right now.

    You are perfectly entitled to choose the names you like, and you don't have to tell anyone you don't want too what those names are. However, once you start telling some people, they are allowed to have opinions! And even if you ask them not too, they might tell other people they are close too, like their husbands.

    If you want to keep these names secret, then you need to keep them secret, and not speak to anyone about it. Otherwise, you are taking the risk that people may have opinions, and may say those opinions out loud. If you can't handle that, then it would be wrong to tell anyone what names you are considering until you have chosen one, and then you can tell people it is what is, and not to be jerks about the actual name you have selected. But if you can't handle any opinion other than your own while you still making up your mind, then don't share the information with anyone until you have made up your mind.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Saw your victim-blaming on some poor girl's post asking for advice on what to do about her father cheating on her mom. She definitely SHOULD say something, and you are a horrible person for chiding HER. She's not at fault here. She had reason to believe something was not right, but it would have been wrong for her to voice that suspicion without proof... so she found proof. And you're chiding her for "invading his privacy". I hope everyone you ever date cheats on you; maybe then you'll get it.

    The Answer
    That is not what victim-blaming means. Victim-blaming is a term that applies when a person is shamed or blamed after having done only things they are perfectly entitled to do, and were the victim of a crime. It's when a persons actions were utterly normal actions they were entitled to take, and people attempt to use them to excuse or justify the violence they experienced.

    No one is entitled to invade the privacy of others.

    It's not like wearing a short skirt, or being out too late at night - those are not reasons to be abused or assaulted. Invading someone's privacy is wrong all on it's own - and you don't get the be the victim just because you found out someone you don't like while doing something you have no right to do be doing. That's like complaining you're the real victim 'cause you got shot when you broke into someone's house.

    It's not victim-blaming to remind a person that they are not entitled to break into someone else's house, or invade someone else's privacy - ever. And that if you do those things, some of the possibly consequences include not liking what you find out.

    Adviceman has given you a wonderful answer about the very simple, human fact that children do not know everything about their parents marriage, and are not owed the whole and complete truth. A child is not wronged, they are not the victim, when someone cheats. They are just as loved and cared for by both parents as they would have been if those parents had never fucked anyone else in their lives.

    I have to add that wishing someone has everyone they ever date cheat on them - that is straight up hateful. You need to take a hard long look at what motivated you to even type that to a complete stranger online. That kind of hate comes from someplace - maybe your own pain and disappointment - but wherever it comes from you should get it under control. If you have been cheated on, or had a parent cheat, that might have hurt you deeply, but wishing that hurt on others is not a good way to handle it.

    It's totally okay to be hurting, but like the person who invaded her father's privacy because she is was hurting - the hurt of one person doesn't justify behaving badly towards others.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My girlfriend recently broke up with me. She said the way we communicate, and the way we think is different.

    She is a lot more emotional than I am, and suffers from depression. Because of this she tries her very best to be optimistic about everything. She's a dreamer, I am not. I am a realist. I'm in my head a lot. This can sometimes upset her when we have long talks because she wants to remain positive even knowing there is so much negative going on.
    I told her that often times these two types of people end up with/need each other. The realist to keep the dreamer grounded and the the dreamer to get the realist off the ground sometimes.


    Then there is the communication aspect. She claims I'm dismissive, and I agree, sometimes I am. But to be fair, sometimes she will talk about something I generally don't have much of a reaction to. Other times I just have so much to say that I will dismiss what she said, and say what I have to say. Which is not okay, but sometimes hard to control. (Ever since kindergarten I've had troubles raising my hand before speaking)

    I really want her back. I know things can't go back to normal right away but am I crazy to think that there is a possibility? She kept mentioning that maybe for right now we're not good for each other; imply that there is a chance that someday we will be.

    The Answer
    She broke up with you because she doesn't want to be with you.

    In 99.9% of cases, when someone says implies that "maybe, at some undefined time in the future, we can be together again" they are only saying that to be polite and soften the blow. They want out, and they will say whatever it takes to end the relationship without the other person flipping out.

    The idea that it takes a dreamer and a realist to make for a good relationship is a nice one, but it doesn't mean that you are the realist for her, or that she is the dreamer for you.

    Respect what she has told you. She has told you it's over.

    Is there a possibility of getting back together? Sure. There is also a possibility that aliens are visiting us right now and looking for that extra special human being to make first contact with. But the chance is so small, it's really not reasonable or healthy to live your life hoping for that.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Me and my husband weren't planning on having children, and this one just popped in on us even though we were using different types of contraceptives and he would pull out so we would be twice as safe.
    We both live with his 3 sisters and his mother in a large city. Only two of his sisters have min.wage jobs, and I help out with almost all of my financial aid I get for going to school. He doesn't have a job and hasn't since he got laid off last year.
    Having a baby right now would more than likely keep me from going to school, and I wanted to get the abortion pill,but all of my tests kept coming back negative for three months (tried 4 different times). Now he wants to keep it, and I do not seeing as we really can't afford it and his family drives me crazy most of the time.

    I don't know what to do!

    The Answer
    The first thing you need to do is speak to a doctor to confirm your pregnancy, and to get information about the options - including abortion options - in your community.

    The second thing you need to do is remind your husband that although he certainly should have an opinion, and you need to know what his thoughts and feelings are on this subject, he also needs to know that in the end, this choice is yours, and you will make the choice you believe is the most resposible and respectful of all parties - including the possible child.

    Frankly, in your shoes, I wouldn't agree to go through with this pregnancy. Not only would add a tremendous burden to you (and likely mean the loss of the finacial aid you are recieving as a student, which appears to be the only income you and husband have right now) it would also be an utterly unjust burden to put on the extended family you are living with.

    Of course, you do need to consider the effect an abortion may have on your marriage, but I suspect that the risks of bringing a child into this situation are probably far greater than the risks of dissapointing your husband.

    Hopefully, you can have a frank discussion with your husband. If he wants his life to move forward, to have children and build a family with you, then he needs to work on this difficult living situation and find some sort of employement. Right now, you giving up your education, that income, and the potiential income after you gradute, just to give him a baby, is a horribly unwise trade off. You deserve better judgement from your husband, and so do your future children.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Hello advicenators,

    My uncle said some nasty stuff about my grandfather, what filters should I pass this stuff before I tell my grandfather about it. I have heard about 3 filters ,is it truthful ,is it good, is it useful? I dont know if its truthful, good or bad dont know either, useful, probably?

    Should i tell my family and my grandfather about what my uncle said?

    Thanks

    Kind Regards

    568129

    The Answer
    Is there any reason your grandfather needs to know what was said? Does it endanger him? Put him at risk? Will it do him harm if he doesn't know?

    Unless what your uncle says endangers your grandfather's health or safety, then keep your mouth shut. You may be an adult, but when it comes to your uncle and grandfather, you will always be the child, and the child should never stir the shit on purpose between two older relatives. That NEVER works out well.

    Unless your grandfather must know what was said for his own protection, then leave it alone.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I keep hearing from so many people that something should be done about the way prisoners are treated. That they get raped, beat up, treated badly by guard, self harm etc. My question is who cares? These people committed crimes. If they didn't want to go to prison. they shouldn't have committed crimes in the first place. Prison should be a bad place, so they don't want to go back. I don't know why so many people try to make us feel bad for them. I bet if one fo those criminals committed a crime against their family they would feel different

    The Answer
    Most sane, reasonable people - including people who have had crimes committed against them - do not want others to be tortured and abused. Most of us don't take pleasure in imagine the pain of others.

    People who commit crimes do not suddenly stop being people. They remain human. Most of them will have families and friends who care about them, they might even have people who depend on them. Many prisoners, will not stay in prison forever, but will leave and be part of society again.

    Leaving people in prison is expensive - no matter how badly you allow them to be treated. It's better if people can learn something from the experience and leave prison.

    If a person leaves, after being tortured, abused and raped, they are much, much less likely to be able to live in a normal life outside of prison. They are more likely to commit another crime. They are more likely to need expensive social support, like therapy, due to the crimes that the government allowed other people to commit against while they were in prison.

    When you abuse criminals, your create more criminals. You make it impossible for those who wish to reform, to do so. Believe it or not, most criminals would like to get out of jail, and not commit crimes anymore. Allowing people to suffer, because it makes it feel good, will create more suffering in the world. It's also the exact opposite of justice. Justice doesn't decide if the victim is 'worthy' of protection. It is there to protect everyone. Even jerks, even criminals. More crime, more pain, more abuse, is never going to solve anything. it's just going to lead to more crime.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    So, I'm getting divorced. There were a ton of problems that I won't go into. But my soon-to-be-ex is holding onto some things that have me worried. First, I have bipolar disorder. During manic episodes, I had conversations with other men about things we should not talk about, ever. Things like bestiality and worse. These were the fantasies of these men. I wanted positive attention (which I seldom got from husband) and they wanted to feel safe talking about these things. Husband spied on my facebook and emails and saved these conversations. He said he'll delete them when the divorce is final. I was promised a couple very specific things in the divorce. He has since changed what he will agree to, taking away about $200 of my promised alimony and an important holiday. I'm afraid to say no to him when he does this. He has threatened to destroy my career as a teacher and I believe he can. He has also said I could probably go to jail.
    Anyway, what I want to know is if I can be punished as such for conversations where no actions happened and how I can protect myself. I want to get a lawyer and get what I was promised, but I'm too afraid.

    The Answer
    You need a lawyer.

    It's unlikely that anything in your conversations was criminal. Talking about sex acts - even sex acts that would be criminal if you were to actually do them - is not a crime.

    What your ex has suggested is blackmail, and blackmailing someone is a crime. So is stealing their private correspondence with others. He has committed at least two criminal acts. It's far more likely that he's headed to jail, than you are.

    As Adviceman said, you need a lawyer, and you need to let all future conversation happen through that lawyer. Perhaps you did commit a criminal act in those conversations (but I highly doubt it), but your ex has most definitely committed a criminal act by threatening you with exposing private communication - which he stole from you - in an attempt to blackmail you.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I know all the girls find me cute I don't think there is any that don't and my best friend said to me He had a crush on the college tutor and I took her away from him becuse I could and it was lose my best friend or keep the girl so I left him for the girl so them I wrote out my Christmas cards but only to the good looking girls nobody else but people seemed to be offended by it

    The Answer
    Yes. You have a big ego.

    You are clearly sending messages to people telling them that you only value them if you find them sexually attractive. You screwed over your friend - not because you practically liked your tutor, but because it gave you pleasure to hurt your friend - and you even seem a bit proud of that choice.

    That is al egotistical, and offensive. Be nicer to people. All people. Especially people who are your friends and even people who aren't good looking girls.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am feeling somewhat depressed and down. I have been told that drinking a beer or two can help you feel better and more relaxed . Is this true?

    The Answer
    Like all drugs, how alcohol will effect you is highly personal. Everyone will react a bit differently.

    However, fundamentally, booze is a depressant. It makes people calmer yes - but that calm can also come in the form of sadness, depression or even anger. So it's a horrible thing to try and use to counter-act any actual depression you might be feeling.

    It might sound lame, but exercise and eating well will almost definitely make you feel much better than beer will.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I live in nyc and I was wondering if you thought it was ok to adopt a puppy if you live in a huge city like this?

    The Answer
    Just like people, not every dog can live happily in the city.

    You need to make sure you pick the right kind of dog for your home and your lifestyle. Dogs all need exercise and training, but some more than others. Some dogs are miserable without their own backyard, others are just fine with dog parks and city walks. If you don't have a car, you also need to consider how you'll get a dog to and from a vet, or in an emergency.

    I live in a big city, very happily with my big dog. 'Cause he's lazy and calm, he's well suited to appartment life, but he's also big and sheds like a mofu, so he wouldn't be everyone's choice for an apartment.

    Do your research and pick the right dog for you. There is almost always a dog that can suit your lifestyle, but don't just run out and get something cute because you like the look of it. Really do your homework and be realistic about what you can offer a pet right now in terms of time and money.
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    The Question
    I met a guy online at a dating site. He only has 1 pic and barely anything on his profile. He pm me 2 weeks ago. We started talking and he only told me the basic things about him. I would tell him about my day and recent stuff going on in my life. He gave me his # and said we should text. I told him I want to wait. To get to know him more. I feel like he's holding back on me. He got offended. Told me he had a crazy ex stalking him that's why he doesn't want to put too much on his profile. He said he wanted something serious/long term and said if I want the same text him b/c he's not coming back on the site.
    I'm being cautious b/c you never know who you're talking too. I feel like he's manipulating me by making me feel bad and give him my #. Got any advice on what I should do?

    The Answer
    Trust your gut.

    That is sort of the rule of online dating, trust yourself. Yourself is telling you that this guy is shady, so cut him off now.

    Maybe he really does have a crazy ex. If that is true, and this is how he is reacting too that problem, then online dating is probably not the right tool for him right now. He's not able to participate in it in a healthy and open way at the moment.

    Trust your gut. Your gut is telling there is something not quite right about this situation. You should rely on that. He doesn't have your number, so all you have to do is wish him well and let him leave.
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    The Question
    Like what they believe in, what gods and goddesses do they believe in (like the most important: do they believe in the Horned God?) I read that they don't believe in every set view in one religion or tradition, but they build their own religious world from pieces of religions and traditions. What exactly does that mean?

    The Answer
    The word Eclectic means "deriving ideas, style, or taste from a broad and diverse range of sources."

    So there is no one right way to be eclectic pagan. Being an eclectic pagan is a bit like being at a buffet. Each practitioner will generally chooses elements of many different traditions, beliefs or religions and add to it themselves whatever feels right. Chances are many do believe in the Horned God, but there are also probably quite a few who believe in Angels and Jesus and Buddha as well.

    There are no rules. The idea is to be on a unique and personal path. Most eclectic pagans will consider personal freedom to be one of the primary goals of spirituality, so they wont go laying down rules for others to follow. Some will practice meditation, some wont. Some will believe in reincarnation, some wont. There is no central authority for eclectic pagans, there are no books of laws or practice. There is no bible. They might accept some 'rules' from Wiccan, Druidism, Native American traditions, Celtic or Buddhist philosophies, or a mix of them. I don't mean to be flippant, but it really does mean that a person basically makes up their religion and their own practice based solely on what they feel moved to do or believe in.

    What being an eclectic pagan will mean can be completely different for each individual, Every eclectic pagan will have a different explanation of what their personal practice and beliefs are, because each one will be different. None of them are going to pretend to be an authority over someone else's life or religious practice. You could spend your entire life learning and still not know ALL of the practices of ALL of the pagans. It's just that diverse.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Hello Advicenators: I shop and spend a lot of Money at Menard's. It is a big box home improvement store. It is or was my favorite store. They have more of my monthly income than a food store. I try to keep busy and have many projects to keep my mind busy, so to speak. I am on Social Security Disability. I am 58 years old and on a fixed income. About a month ago (since that is the day I last visited) I was at Menard's at 6:30 when they opened. The floor scrubber guy was following me around and came within inches of hitting me. I have a psychiatric condition due to my disability. I have not been back to Menard's since for fear. I contacted the manager. He sent me two dog toys and apologized. I just feel terrible. This store really has me scared. Do I have any legal recourse here for some sort of compensation? Respectfully, Dzadzy

    The Answer
    No. You have no legal recourse. You were not physically harmed, and although you found this stressful and upsetting, what you've described here isn't actionable.

    I'd recommend you try and go back, maybe with someone you trust, at a different time of day. Or, if you are seeing anyone you can talk to about your mental health challenges, discuss this with them. It would be very sad to loose something you value so much as trips to this store.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am a lesbian and my gf I bi. She wanted to have a threesome with a guy I decided to fulfil her fantasy. I seen a guy I approached him got his number we all hung out got comfortable we end up eventually doing the threesome now a few weeks later my gf text me asking for his number she said its nothing I just need to ask him a question and I said what do you possibly have to ask him. I am entitled to know why correct? And she wants him again thats why she is contacting him correct?

    The Answer
    You are not entitled to know everything she is thinking and everyone she is talking too. That is not what a relationship means.

    A relationship is a series of agreements, and if your agreement with her was that she wouldn't contact this guy ever again, then you can remind her of that. But relationship agreements also need to evolve and change with the needs and interests of the people involved in them, They are not eternally binding contracts you can force her to obey.

    If you are afraid she wants to change or break an agreement, like by cheating on you with him, then talk to her that, but don't demand to know everything she has ever thought about this guy or would like to say to him.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    F/18. You see I'm sharing an apartment with my best friend from six years (middle and high school) and its only been three months and a few weeks but I feel... strange. Its like I'm slowly getting to know her for real. At the beginning of the semester she dyed the tips of her hair blonde (I mean like yellow-yellow and not just tips, practically the whole half of her hair). She's the type of girl who's always wanting to do things right and is proper when needed to be. The thought recently occurred to me... that maybe... she's been trying to... I don't even know how to put it. It seems like she often tries to impress with her shorts and her dyed hair and her supposedly innocent acts where guys have flirted with her but she didn't notice. Sometimes I feel kind of bad and self-conscious when I'm around her and we're accompanied by people, because compared to me:

    I'm thin and flat-chested, she has more body;
    I'm shy and don't talk much or have a flirty/witty attitude of any sort, she talks much more than me and has a reachable personality;
    She is way smarter than me.
    She is younger than me by a few months yet she drives and I haven't gotten my driver's licence yet (I actually haven't had time to get something other than my Learner's Permit)

    She has also done a few things I'm not very fond of. She takes a lot of the space on the cabinets in the kitchen and the fridge (we're two and the place is not that small so there should be enough space for both... yet there isn't); she's ditched me on various occassions for different things and different excuses; she's always interested in many guys and is quick to get all the attention.

    I guess I just want to be mre upright and have more personality but I'm torn in two here: Who's really wrong? Me? Because of my image complex and posible feelings of jealousy towards her life and how she is able to do things I can't.

    Or her? Because of the occasions in which she has not supported me/been there for me/ ditched me/comments on how I'm a 'twig' or 'boney' with a playful laugh that actually bothers the smithers out of me(yes I do not know if that Word even exists but in my mind it does)/shot down my dreams (she always has a "fact" or an "opinion" about my ideas or my style of dressing or... you get the idea).

    I already said to myself that next semester I would start a new me and try to be more outspoken, confident, etc. I actually feel bad about

    The Answer
    Well, you are roommates, so you need to talk to her if you are feeling crowded out of the shared space. That is one, real problem you should address now, before it festers.

    But your body image issues are an entirely different problem, and you are right: That is mostly on you. She can't help how she looks, and like you, she is young and is going to experiment with sexual attention and guys. It might annoy you, and you are allowed to be annoyed, but that annoyance is yours to handle, not hers. She also has every right to exist, to dress the way she likes, and to be not interested in guys who are paying attention to her.

    If she calls you names, ask her not too. If she takes up all the space the fridge, let her know it's not working for you. If she has opinions on your clothes or appearance, smile and let it go or else tell her to shove it.

    Don't wait till next semester. Tackle some of the issues right now. The kitchen cabinet for example. There is no reason to procrastinate on that. Even if you two wont remain as close friends as you once were, you can still be respectable roommates.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    A little over two months ago I went to a hospital for surgery and had a horrible experience. The staff members were rude, disrespectful, and neglected me. EX: one screamed at me, another refused to help me walk from the bathroom to my bed. I was falling to my knees with my arms reaching to her but she stepped away from me. When I was being discharged, she came to huge me in front of the other staff like she cared. It was disturbing how fake she was.
    I reported the incident to the director of grievance, who was present and saw her hugging me. I spoke to her during my 4 day stay at the hospital and during my two months recovery out of the hospital. She seems impassive about it and keeps trying to change the subject. She promised to call me back the next day for a follow-up but she ever does. This has happened twice. I would be patient and wait up to three to four days to call the hospital to speak to her. She doesn’t tell me anything and would sound annoyed through the phone. Her attitude and lack of action has really upset me. I called again over a week ago and spoke with another administer. I told the other woman about the incident and she also told me she would call me back the next day. Just like the first one, she didn’t keep her word. Yesterday, I received a letter from the CEO of the hospital. He apologized for the poor experience I had and said there was nothing they could change. But they said they appreciate my feedback, will investigate the incident, and to wait for their call. They hope I would continue to use their services.
    The letter sounds generic. I feel that they were giving me little hints that they don’t want me to call them anymore. But it’s stated in the letter that I should receive a call from the Lab department, since there was complaint involving one of their workers.
    Honestly, I feel that their word, promising to call me, is worthless. No one ever calls me. I have to be the one always calling them. I feel that they are ignoring me just like when I was a patient in the hospital. I think they are saying things they believe I want to hear to pacify me. The entire ordeal is causing me a lot of stress. It has made me reluctant to even step foot in their hospital again, although I need to go to one b/c of a preexisting condition I have. I am even weary about seeing any doctor who is associated with this hospital.
    Should I write a letter in response to the one they sent me or call them myself? What will they do?

    The Answer
    It sounds they aren't going to do anything. You got a letter from the CEO. The only way to go above CEO is to appeal directly to the board of directors or to your local government.

    If you want to continue to pursue this, your next letter is probably best sent to your state's department of Health Services. You may also do some research, or call the a local information line, to find out who to direct complaints about hospital services too in your state government.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    When I was first married, I worked at a group home with other adult staff there, day shifts, night shifts, etc. After the residents would go to bed, the remaining staff would clean up the house and get things ready for the next day. One particularly rough evening, the residents went to bed late and the other staff (female) and I were finishing up with the chores and I said since I was the one staying for night, I was going to lie down and chill for a bit, she could go and I would do the rest later. We talked for a few minutes, and she asked if I wanted a massage...Obviously that should have been the first red flag. I said sure and laid down on my stomach and she rubbed my neck and back...She asked me if I wanted my legs done and I said sure, whatever. I have had many massages from professional masseuses and thought nothing of it. I sort of fell asleep / drowsed off and when I came to she told me to roll on my back and then she started giving me a blow job. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said, I cant do this, I'm married and I just cant. I stood up and started to walk away, then I didn't. The absurdity of it all, me standing there fully erect with a woman I barely knew, and she was willing to go to town on me, was too surreal, even for a lifetime movie, or perhaps a skinemax late night flick. She kneeled in front of me and started to position herself to go down on me, and I again said look I cant do this. But, I didn't stop her from doing it, I figured she would pull away, but she didn't, and I just froze. To this day, I cant believe I stood there like a statue...I finished in her mouth quicker than I ever have in my life, and then she left, just like nothing had happened. She would later tell me that she had a dream that her and I were going to have sex at work one night, and she was ready to make it happen. Afterwards, I showered, laid on the couch and felt like I was raped. I am the one at fault here, and I get it. I am not or have not ever cheated on anyone I ever dated, and this moment of indiscretion has haunted me forever. I told my wife about the incident a few years later, and it crushed her. She has since forgiven me, but I have never forgiven myself. I don't really know what the question is here for this forum, but I guess I need some advice on getting over this and trying to get on with my life. My wife and I have 4 great kids, and a great family, but every time someone says something about what a great husband I am, I just throw up a little bit in my mouth and think I have been living a lie for so long that I just feel as if anyone knew what I had done, I wouldn't get all of this attention for being who I am not. Thanks in advance. D

    The Answer
    You aren't at fault. What she did was sexual assault (or rape) by the very legal definition. You said no. She didn't stop.

    She took advantage of you and sexually assaulted you. She deliberately made sure you were in an impaired state, and she ignored you when you said no. It doesn't matter that you didn't beat her to a pulp to make her stop, it doesn't matter that you orgasmed (you might look up how many female rape victims orgasm - it can happen even for women during rape. That doesn't make it 'not rape'.) You may have made errors, but what she did was 100% wrong. Fucking evil, is what she did.

    Frankly, I wish you'd reported it. How can be certain she didn't take advantage of her patients as well?

    Get some therapy. You probably are a great husband. This crazy woman probably abused other men - just like you - who couldn't come to grips with how little they are too blame just because they are men, who didn't force her to stop.

    You may have well made mistakes. You may well need to find a way to forgive yourself for the mistakes you feel you made. However, you were also assaulted by a criminal monster of a woman. You'll find more peace if you can talk through both of those things with a pro.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I've been with a girl for about 6 months and she has a daughter that's almost 2. She works a lot of overtime of provide for her (she's very low income), and has pointed out that the baby daddy never wanted her and didn't do anything to help support her when they were together. She left the baby daddy shortly after her daughter was born when she lived in his state and moved back here. He has not visited his daughter since or paid barely any child support. According to her, he has never even had a job, but has an associates degree. She says she is trying to sue him for child support. Is it wrong that she still is friends with him on Facebook then? She even responds and laughs at some posts he puts up to be funny. He asks how they are doing once a week through there but doesn't make any efforts to do anything else. He doesn't call or visit. She told me he wouldn't sign over his parental rights since he wants to leave it open to come back into their life since "part of him still loves" my girlfriend. I'm having a hard time accepting how she wants to have any relationship with him, despite him not visiting or providing support. Is she just going easy on him or is this a bigger red flag? Do I have to accept how friendly they are, even though he's not there for them?

    The Answer
    He is the father of her child. That means he'll always be around, and her life will be happier and easier if she can maintain a friendship with him - regardless of how badly he behaves.

    She CAN'T cut him out of her life. That is not an option. That would be utterly unfair to her child. He still has rights, even if he doesn't pay child support of visit. If you expect her to do that, then you aren't equipped to date someone who is a parent.

    This is not a read flag. What you describe might actually be a really strong sign that she is a mature and intelligent young lady who is able to put her child first.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I am 19 years old, and female. From being 17 I met a man who was 28 and about to be married. As we got to know each other he told me he had feelings for me and that he thought he would cheat on his wife with me after the wedding when I was 18. I laughed it off as him being stupid and for other reasons we ended up not having contact for a month. When we met again, he was already married and I had turned 18, things started to go back to how they were and that is how the affair started. After a few months I told him I didn't want to have feelings for someone that was married and couldn't be with me properly and tried to end it but The feelings were already there and he begged me to stay.
    12 months down the line and a lot of heartache later, I have moved out of my family home to study and live in a city where he owns property. I see him very regularly but he is still married. He had promised in the past to get a divorce but never did and always made ridiculous excuses to me. He said until I show HIM some loyalty, he won't leave his wife for me, and that because he caught me speaking with other guys (innocently) that I'm untrustworthy and he can't leave his (loyal) wife for me. He has some seriously severe insecurity issues. He puts a tracking app on my iphone and turns up at my apartment out of the blue to check up on me but he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend more like a pet to keep at home. After a year of this emotionally exhausting debacle I genuinely can't go on anymore as it's making me ill. I am failing at my studies and I started using drugs to forget about the painful feelings. I did at one point fall in love with him but he has destroyed my confidence, emotional self esteem and nerve. He has hit me on two occasions out of jealousy and he regularly emotionally bullies me, leaving me and coming back as if it's a game. I don't know how to end things without causing a big argument/fuss and losing everyone. we have a lot of mutual friends in the city i study in, i feel quite isolated when hes not in my life as he cuts off some of my other relationships as well, but i have long since given up on any hope of being with him and am starting to come to my senses about whether I even want to anymore.


    The Answer
    He's an abuser. A user and a cheat. A liar. A scumbag. He's been stringing you along, behind his wife's back, for years. Frankly, I'd be SHOCKED if you were the only 'other woman' in his life. He sounds like a collector.

    He accuses you of being disloyal - when he is the one that you both know is betraying his wife. This is a text-book case of abuse.

    If you are in school, your school probably has therapy or counselling available to you. I'd STRONGLY encourage you to use it. You need to to end this completely before he seriously harms you. People who would take his side, or whose friendships you'd loose after breaking up with him, are not real friends anyways. They are people who turned their back while he betrayed his wife, and abused you. They are awful people, and you'd be safer and saner without enablers like that in your life.

    It is scary to break free of an abuser, but a guy who stalks you, threatens you, and sometimes beats you, is scarier. Keep yourself safe and get some support.
    (View All Other Answers.)




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