"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.

Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)

    The Question
    Hello Advicenators: I shop and spend a lot of Money at Menard's. It is a big box home improvement store. It is or was my favorite store. They have more of my monthly income than a food store. I try to keep busy and have many projects to keep my mind busy, so to speak. I am on Social Security Disability. I am 58 years old and on a fixed income. About a month ago (since that is the day I last visited) I was at Menard's at 6:30 when they opened. The floor scrubber guy was following me around and came within inches of hitting me. I have a psychiatric condition due to my disability. I have not been back to Menard's since for fear. I contacted the manager. He sent me two dog toys and apologized. I just feel terrible. This store really has me scared. Do I have any legal recourse here for some sort of compensation? Respectfully, Dzadzy

    The Answer
    No. You have no legal recourse. You were not physically harmed, and although you found this stressful and upsetting, what you've described here isn't actionable.

    I'd recommend you try and go back, maybe with someone you trust, at a different time of day. Or, if you are seeing anyone you can talk to about your mental health challenges, discuss this with them. It would be very sad to loose something you value so much as trips to this store.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I am a lesbian and my gf I bi. She wanted to have a threesome with a guy I decided to fulfil her fantasy. I seen a guy I approached him got his number we all hung out got comfortable we end up eventually doing the threesome now a few weeks later my gf text me asking for his number she said its nothing I just need to ask him a question and I said what do you possibly have to ask him. I am entitled to know why correct? And she wants him again thats why she is contacting him correct?

    The Answer
    You are not entitled to know everything she is thinking and everyone she is talking too. That is not what a relationship means.

    A relationship is a series of agreements, and if your agreement with her was that she wouldn't contact this guy ever again, then you can remind her of that. But relationship agreements also need to evolve and change with the needs and interests of the people involved in them, They are not eternally binding contracts you can force her to obey.

    If you are afraid she wants to change or break an agreement, like by cheating on you with him, then talk to her that, but don't demand to know everything she has ever thought about this guy or would like to say to him.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    F/18. You see I'm sharing an apartment with my best friend from six years (middle and high school) and its only been three months and a few weeks but I feel... strange. Its like I'm slowly getting to know her for real. At the beginning of the semester she dyed the tips of her hair blonde (I mean like yellow-yellow and not just tips, practically the whole half of her hair). She's the type of girl who's always wanting to do things right and is proper when needed to be. The thought recently occurred to me... that maybe... she's been trying to... I don't even know how to put it. It seems like she often tries to impress with her shorts and her dyed hair and her supposedly innocent acts where guys have flirted with her but she didn't notice. Sometimes I feel kind of bad and self-conscious when I'm around her and we're accompanied by people, because compared to me:

    I'm thin and flat-chested, she has more body;
    I'm shy and don't talk much or have a flirty/witty attitude of any sort, she talks much more than me and has a reachable personality;
    She is way smarter than me.
    She is younger than me by a few months yet she drives and I haven't gotten my driver's licence yet (I actually haven't had time to get something other than my Learner's Permit)

    She has also done a few things I'm not very fond of. She takes a lot of the space on the cabinets in the kitchen and the fridge (we're two and the place is not that small so there should be enough space for both... yet there isn't); she's ditched me on various occassions for different things and different excuses; she's always interested in many guys and is quick to get all the attention.

    I guess I just want to be mre upright and have more personality but I'm torn in two here: Who's really wrong? Me? Because of my image complex and posible feelings of jealousy towards her life and how she is able to do things I can't.

    Or her? Because of the occasions in which she has not supported me/been there for me/ ditched me/comments on how I'm a 'twig' or 'boney' with a playful laugh that actually bothers the smithers out of me(yes I do not know if that Word even exists but in my mind it does)/shot down my dreams (she always has a "fact" or an "opinion" about my ideas or my style of dressing or... you get the idea).

    I already said to myself that next semester I would start a new me and try to be more outspoken, confident, etc. I actually feel bad about

    The Answer
    Well, you are roommates, so you need to talk to her if you are feeling crowded out of the shared space. That is one, real problem you should address now, before it festers.

    But your body image issues are an entirely different problem, and you are right: That is mostly on you. She can't help how she looks, and like you, she is young and is going to experiment with sexual attention and guys. It might annoy you, and you are allowed to be annoyed, but that annoyance is yours to handle, not hers. She also has every right to exist, to dress the way she likes, and to be not interested in guys who are paying attention to her.

    If she calls you names, ask her not too. If she takes up all the space the fridge, let her know it's not working for you. If she has opinions on your clothes or appearance, smile and let it go or else tell her to shove it.

    Don't wait till next semester. Tackle some of the issues right now. The kitchen cabinet for example. There is no reason to procrastinate on that. Even if you two wont remain as close friends as you once were, you can still be respectable roommates.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    A little over two months ago I went to a hospital for surgery and had a horrible experience. The staff members were rude, disrespectful, and neglected me. EX: one screamed at me, another refused to help me walk from the bathroom to my bed. I was falling to my knees with my arms reaching to her but she stepped away from me. When I was being discharged, she came to huge me in front of the other staff like she cared. It was disturbing how fake she was.
    I reported the incident to the director of grievance, who was present and saw her hugging me. I spoke to her during my 4 day stay at the hospital and during my two months recovery out of the hospital. She seems impassive about it and keeps trying to change the subject. She promised to call me back the next day for a follow-up but she ever does. This has happened twice. I would be patient and wait up to three to four days to call the hospital to speak to her. She doesn’t tell me anything and would sound annoyed through the phone. Her attitude and lack of action has really upset me. I called again over a week ago and spoke with another administer. I told the other woman about the incident and she also told me she would call me back the next day. Just like the first one, she didn’t keep her word. Yesterday, I received a letter from the CEO of the hospital. He apologized for the poor experience I had and said there was nothing they could change. But they said they appreciate my feedback, will investigate the incident, and to wait for their call. They hope I would continue to use their services.
    The letter sounds generic. I feel that they were giving me little hints that they don’t want me to call them anymore. But it’s stated in the letter that I should receive a call from the Lab department, since there was complaint involving one of their workers.
    Honestly, I feel that their word, promising to call me, is worthless. No one ever calls me. I have to be the one always calling them. I feel that they are ignoring me just like when I was a patient in the hospital. I think they are saying things they believe I want to hear to pacify me. The entire ordeal is causing me a lot of stress. It has made me reluctant to even step foot in their hospital again, although I need to go to one b/c of a preexisting condition I have. I am even weary about seeing any doctor who is associated with this hospital.
    Should I write a letter in response to the one they sent me or call them myself? What will they do?

    The Answer
    It sounds they aren't going to do anything. You got a letter from the CEO. The only way to go above CEO is to appeal directly to the board of directors or to your local government.

    If you want to continue to pursue this, your next letter is probably best sent to your state's department of Health Services. You may also do some research, or call the a local information line, to find out who to direct complaints about hospital services too in your state government.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    When I was first married, I worked at a group home with other adult staff there, day shifts, night shifts, etc. After the residents would go to bed, the remaining staff would clean up the house and get things ready for the next day. One particularly rough evening, the residents went to bed late and the other staff (female) and I were finishing up with the chores and I said since I was the one staying for night, I was going to lie down and chill for a bit, she could go and I would do the rest later. We talked for a few minutes, and she asked if I wanted a massage...Obviously that should have been the first red flag. I said sure and laid down on my stomach and she rubbed my neck and back...She asked me if I wanted my legs done and I said sure, whatever. I have had many massages from professional masseuses and thought nothing of it. I sort of fell asleep / drowsed off and when I came to she told me to roll on my back and then she started giving me a blow job. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said, I cant do this, I'm married and I just cant. I stood up and started to walk away, then I didn't. The absurdity of it all, me standing there fully erect with a woman I barely knew, and she was willing to go to town on me, was too surreal, even for a lifetime movie, or perhaps a skinemax late night flick. She kneeled in front of me and started to position herself to go down on me, and I again said look I cant do this. But, I didn't stop her from doing it, I figured she would pull away, but she didn't, and I just froze. To this day, I cant believe I stood there like a statue...I finished in her mouth quicker than I ever have in my life, and then she left, just like nothing had happened. She would later tell me that she had a dream that her and I were going to have sex at work one night, and she was ready to make it happen. Afterwards, I showered, laid on the couch and felt like I was raped. I am the one at fault here, and I get it. I am not or have not ever cheated on anyone I ever dated, and this moment of indiscretion has haunted me forever. I told my wife about the incident a few years later, and it crushed her. She has since forgiven me, but I have never forgiven myself. I don't really know what the question is here for this forum, but I guess I need some advice on getting over this and trying to get on with my life. My wife and I have 4 great kids, and a great family, but every time someone says something about what a great husband I am, I just throw up a little bit in my mouth and think I have been living a lie for so long that I just feel as if anyone knew what I had done, I wouldn't get all of this attention for being who I am not. Thanks in advance. D

    The Answer
    You aren't at fault. What she did was sexual assault (or rape) by the very legal definition. You said no. She didn't stop.

    She took advantage of you and sexually assaulted you. She deliberately made sure you were in an impaired state, and she ignored you when you said no. It doesn't matter that you didn't beat her to a pulp to make her stop, it doesn't matter that you orgasmed (you might look up how many female rape victims orgasm - it can happen even for women during rape. That doesn't make it 'not rape'.) You may have made errors, but what she did was 100% wrong. Fucking evil, is what she did.

    Frankly, I wish you'd reported it. How can be certain she didn't take advantage of her patients as well?

    Get some therapy. You probably are a great husband. This crazy woman probably abused other men - just like you - who couldn't come to grips with how little they are too blame just because they are men, who didn't force her to stop.

    You may have well made mistakes. You may well need to find a way to forgive yourself for the mistakes you feel you made. However, you were also assaulted by a criminal monster of a woman. You'll find more peace if you can talk through both of those things with a pro.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I've been with a girl for about 6 months and she has a daughter that's almost 2. She works a lot of overtime of provide for her (she's very low income), and has pointed out that the baby daddy never wanted her and didn't do anything to help support her when they were together. She left the baby daddy shortly after her daughter was born when she lived in his state and moved back here. He has not visited his daughter since or paid barely any child support. According to her, he has never even had a job, but has an associates degree. She says she is trying to sue him for child support. Is it wrong that she still is friends with him on Facebook then? She even responds and laughs at some posts he puts up to be funny. He asks how they are doing once a week through there but doesn't make any efforts to do anything else. He doesn't call or visit. She told me he wouldn't sign over his parental rights since he wants to leave it open to come back into their life since "part of him still loves" my girlfriend. I'm having a hard time accepting how she wants to have any relationship with him, despite him not visiting or providing support. Is she just going easy on him or is this a bigger red flag? Do I have to accept how friendly they are, even though he's not there for them?

    The Answer
    He is the father of her child. That means he'll always be around, and her life will be happier and easier if she can maintain a friendship with him - regardless of how badly he behaves.

    She CAN'T cut him out of her life. That is not an option. That would be utterly unfair to her child. He still has rights, even if he doesn't pay child support of visit. If you expect her to do that, then you aren't equipped to date someone who is a parent.

    This is not a read flag. What you describe might actually be a really strong sign that she is a mature and intelligent young lady who is able to put her child first.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I am 19 years old, and female. From being 17 I met a man who was 28 and about to be married. As we got to know each other he told me he had feelings for me and that he thought he would cheat on his wife with me after the wedding when I was 18. I laughed it off as him being stupid and for other reasons we ended up not having contact for a month. When we met again, he was already married and I had turned 18, things started to go back to how they were and that is how the affair started. After a few months I told him I didn't want to have feelings for someone that was married and couldn't be with me properly and tried to end it but The feelings were already there and he begged me to stay.
    12 months down the line and a lot of heartache later, I have moved out of my family home to study and live in a city where he owns property. I see him very regularly but he is still married. He had promised in the past to get a divorce but never did and always made ridiculous excuses to me. He said until I show HIM some loyalty, he won't leave his wife for me, and that because he caught me speaking with other guys (innocently) that I'm untrustworthy and he can't leave his (loyal) wife for me. He has some seriously severe insecurity issues. He puts a tracking app on my iphone and turns up at my apartment out of the blue to check up on me but he doesn't treat me like a girlfriend more like a pet to keep at home. After a year of this emotionally exhausting debacle I genuinely can't go on anymore as it's making me ill. I am failing at my studies and I started using drugs to forget about the painful feelings. I did at one point fall in love with him but he has destroyed my confidence, emotional self esteem and nerve. He has hit me on two occasions out of jealousy and he regularly emotionally bullies me, leaving me and coming back as if it's a game. I don't know how to end things without causing a big argument/fuss and losing everyone. we have a lot of mutual friends in the city i study in, i feel quite isolated when hes not in my life as he cuts off some of my other relationships as well, but i have long since given up on any hope of being with him and am starting to come to my senses about whether I even want to anymore.

    The Answer
    He's an abuser. A user and a cheat. A liar. A scumbag. He's been stringing you along, behind his wife's back, for years. Frankly, I'd be SHOCKED if you were the only 'other woman' in his life. He sounds like a collector.

    He accuses you of being disloyal - when he is the one that you both know is betraying his wife. This is a text-book case of abuse.

    If you are in school, your school probably has therapy or counselling available to you. I'd STRONGLY encourage you to use it. You need to to end this completely before he seriously harms you. People who would take his side, or whose friendships you'd loose after breaking up with him, are not real friends anyways. They are people who turned their back while he betrayed his wife, and abused you. They are awful people, and you'd be safer and saner without enablers like that in your life.

    It is scary to break free of an abuser, but a guy who stalks you, threatens you, and sometimes beats you, is scarier. Keep yourself safe and get some support.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    My dog wont stop biting me, in the neck area. This occurs usually when I am sleeping or going to sleep. I mean it must be my dog? Because when I wake up, and look in the mirror I find the strangest bite marks on my neck. They itch like crazy and start to bruise after a couple days. Then weeks after, i notice lumps growing on my neck and down the side of my body. I think i'm dying, I have no other pets or animals in my house. GETTING RID OF THE DOG IS NOT A OPTION i love him very much. No I am not crazy, are mentally sick. something is very wrong here. I think I might just take the easy way out. By leaving this world...My dog doesn't even like me. Well goodbye have a wonderful day.

    The Answer
    Take yourself to a doctor, and your dog to a vet.

    It's unclear why you are assuming these marks are caused by your dog. Bed bugs, or some other insect seems much more likely.

    And if these bites are caused by your dog - without even waking you - wouldn't a simpler solution be to restrict the dog at night? Give him a nice doggie bed in a room with the door closed so he can't roam free and bite sleeping people.

    Something is wrong here - But the thing that is wrong is how muddled your thinking is. You need to talk to a doctor about the sores you are experiencing, and your suicidal thoughts. The way you are thinking about these problems isn't healthy or rational.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question

    I have a challenge for you. A challenge for the minds of detectives.

    I am now under home arrest for 10 months without trial because I went for a cup of coffee and police invented a false report. My trial is near and I have a challenge, a plea for help an innocent person.

    If you just want to take the challenge without knowing the details then jump to the paragraph HENCEFORTH


    On December last year, I went for a cup of coffee to the coffee nearest to my parents house, 50 meters away, 11 AM. I arrived there, there was only one person present at the entrance of the coffee, a guy I had never seen before in my life, the inside was totally empty.

    Henceforth, I was in good mood and made small talk with the guy who was standing on the door of the coffee. We made small talk for 20 minutes.

    Then, 8 SAWTs arrive, park, get out of the van, insult and menace us both. I very politely said they had not right to treat citizens like that, except for a good reason, which I demanded. We identified ourselves, and emptied our pockets.

    In my pockets there was nothing against the law. Just tobacco, some coins, my cellphone, a lighter and a keyring with 2 (two) keys.

    Both keys were the keys to my parents house, where I lived at the time.

    In front of the coffee, there was an ancient remains of a market. There were several doors at the back of the market, near the coffee.

    Then, after a while of searches in the place, one cop decides to grab my keys, test it on several of the doors in the back of the coffee's front, and the key to my parents house opens one door. 3 seconds after (before the cops had to time to even see what was behind the small chamber to where the door led) I am cuffed behind my back and dragged to the floor of the police van.

    During the process, I begged several times for the cops to walk 50 m, go to my parents house and see that that key was the key to my parents house.

    One cop meets me there, and asks "Who was above me?", I believe he was asking for whom I worked for. I explained I hadn't a clue about what he was talking about. He got angry, and said he would be right next to the judge and that my fate was doomed.

    Meanwhile, the other guy who was in the front of the coffee, also enters the van, cuffed, because he too had a key to the said door.

    At the police station my father calls me, I ask him to come to the station ASAP and bring his and mommy's keys (exactly the copy of the my key which had opened the door). He goes to the station, the same cop that met at the van met him, my father showed him his and my mother's keys, and assured that the key I had was a copy from those keys, they had given me. The cop said he was rather busy and left, without comparing my keys with the others. Furthermore, in his report, he fails to mention at all the fact that my father had been there at all.

    Later I discovered that behind that door, on a small compartment was 0,5kg of Hashish and that the owner was the other guy, who obviously understood I had nothing to do with it.

    On the next day, I am presented to the judge. When the judge read the report, I was terrified, the cops had written that they had made a surveillance, saw two persons approach to buy drugs, that they made the order to the other guy, and that they had saw me entering and coming out two times from the said door, to pick up the drugs, give them to the client. The client would then give the money to the other guy.

    Yes, because the other guy had €100 in notes on his pocket and in the past was under arrest several times because of drug dealing.

    Funny thing is, if my role was to go to the small chamber to pick up the drugs, then why on Earth the other guy would also have a key with him? Any cognitive capable person would obviously hide the key. He was busted with me because he had the key with him. So, why on Earth would he (we) be that stupid?

    Of course, what the cops said is an utter and absolute lie. They did saw me during 20 (twenty) minutes at the front of the coffee...but that was all. Two guys did approach the other guy, but I step aside to the entrance of the coffee, as to distance myself of what the other guy was doing.

    I am, since that day, for 10 months now, under home arrest, waiting for trial.

    I had and have a good paying job (Internet based), taught at Universities, have 30 published books by one of Portugal's top publishers, have no criminal record, etc?

    I had arrived at my home-town 2 (two) months ago. I lived outside my home town for some years and so I was catching up with my parents.

    And working on my paid job and scientific, artistic and philanthropic work.

    In my opinion, the only rational explanation for cops having lied that way was seeing me there with the other person for 20 minutes, then they open a door with my key... I believe they were convinced that I had to be involved. They knew I had no criminal record, I always told it was the key to my house, and justice in Portugal is very soft. Cops get frustrated all the time when they catch real dealers and they walk away in court. So, given the circumstances, the cop, convinced of my involvement, decided it would do better justice "for all" if he gave that helping hand.


    The big day was scheduled. My Trial will be on the 3rd of Nov.

    So, the reason to this story is to ask you all for help. All things play in my favour, everything. If they find a drug dealer in any prison in the world with my CV, then put in jail for life.

    Except, of course, two lying cops that will repeat on trial as witnesses what they wrote in the report. AND THAT'S QUITE SERIOUS.

    I have a crucial, necessary, and vital request which is the following:

    In court, when my lawyers interrogate one cop at a time, in separate, what type of questions could make them contradict themselves because, they DID NOT see me going from the coffee's entrance to the small chamber. Furthermore, while I was there, nobody went to the chamber.

    The lie starts when they say I moved from the coffee's entrance, went to the small chamber, entered, went inside, came out, and then delivered something to people who had approached the other guy.

    This is a lie. Being a lie, it's always possible to think of some detail that will make them tell two different things and, henceforth, show in court they are: a) liars; b) don't have a clue about what they saw or not

    So, what question would you make each different cop to achieve the means of making them contradict themselves?

    What would you ask. What details do you think it could be a good source of potential interrogation points.

    I have prepared screen-shots from Google Maps of the place, so you can see where was what. Also, an aerial view to thing about where the observation was done.

    Here they are:


    aerialviewofthezone1; aerialviewofthezone2; coffee map; coffeentrance; frontal view of the coffee from the street; small chamber view close; view to the left of the coffee; view to the right of the coffee

    Thank you very very much in advance.

    The Answer
    Everything you wrote here is admissible in court, do you realize that? Posting here is incredibly foolish at this point in the process.

    If you don't trust your lawyers - who are trained at questioning witnesses - then get new lawyers. If you want to know the techniques they will use to get to the bottom of the lie, ask them. They have the training and should have the skills. You do not. Neither do a bunch of anonymous strangers online.

    But for Christ's sake stop revealing details about your case online. That's unwise. Get lawyers smart enough to tell you not to do this!

    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    Ok so im kinda very worried, well have been for about a week or two. So im 14 and i rhink i might be pregnant, but the problem is im still a virgin. I know its probably not posble but i read online on a different medical website its possible for sperm to be on a toilet seat and transfered that way and like 2-3 other possible answers. Im showing all the possible signs of early pregnancy and im pretty late on my period. I dont want to tell my parents yet because it might just be something else or nothing and i dont want to scare them so im seeking medical advice before i ask to take a pregnancy test.

    The Answer
    You are not pregnant. You cannot get pregnant from sperm on a toilet seat.

    First off, sperm aint smart. It moves vaguely forward so long as it is alive, and there is a liquid it able to move vague forward in. It doesn't have 'vagina radar'. It's not going to hunt down a viable uterus. It's really, really fucking stupid. Even if viable, living semen was present on a toilet seat (unlikely) and you deliberately rubbed your vaginal opening all over the toilet seat (unlikely) it would still be next to impossible for you to be pregnant.

    It's more likely you'd be crushed by a baby grand piano while standing in an open field. 'Cause sometimes people ship baby grand pianos by plane (unlikely), and sometimes planes fail (really unlikely) and sometimes when planes fail the stuff that is in them falls out (extremely unlikely) and sometimes people are underneath the stuff that is falling (basically impossible).

    You aren't going to get crushed by a baby grand piano, and you aren't pregnant.

    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    I hate to say it, but I have a yeast infection. I'm not humiliated about it, as many women get at least one in their lifetime. Anyhow, obvious I don't like that I have one but I need to know how to get rid of one.

    I've seen many things on the internet but I've come here in the hopes someone will be able to offer me personal experience? Either way, any advice helps. Thanks on advance!

    The Answer
    If you have never had a yeast infection before, it's worth a trip to a doctor. There are a few other things that can seem just the same as a yeast infection, but are actually very different and can be made worse by treating them as tho they are yeast infections.

    So, see a doctor to confirm you do have yeast infection, unless you are aquatinted with the experience and have had them before.

    Please, don't use 'at home remedies'. There is no reason to even try that and it will probably just leave the infection to fester. The over-the-counter cures at the drug store are very effective. To be on the safe side, pick a treatment that takes 3 or 5 days rather than 1 day cures. 1 Day cures are fine if you get them immediately at the very first hints of symptoms, but if the infection has been going on for a day or two you'll save yourself some stress and some money by going with a 3 day treatment.

    Also, don't wear tampons during the treatment, but do wear pads, because some the medicine will leak out and you'll want to be able to switch those pads regularly for your own comfort.
    (View All Other Answers.)

    The Question
    State Pennsylvania

    My friend had gotten primary custody of his daughter due to his wife ( they are in the process of divorce ) was on drugs , cheating , ran out of the court house before they even got in front of a judge. She filed for modification some time later and he still has primary custody but she was awarded every other weekend visitation. She does not work lives off a boyfriend. He works full time 3rd shift he is living with a sister who helps him with his daughter while he works in return he helps with bills and house work. She has child abuse allegations against her because the child told her teacher her mom abuses her the teacher had to report it. Cys says case will remain open for a year but they don't see any abuse at this time. The little is a bit hyper active father doesn't want he Ron medication mother does. Mother took her to see a doctor and the doctor said we can't even speak to you because of the custody order. She flipped filing a 3rd modification. In which the judge determined to leave as is for now but they have to come back in 6 months well they want him to get different hour job? How can they even consider giving her custody just because she says she doesn't want someone else watching her child. Punish him for being a provider ?

    The Answer
    They have to consider what she has asked for. That's what the courts role is. Their entire job is to consider what citizens tell them and ask them for.

    No one is trying to punish the father. They are trying to make sure the kids have access to their mother - so long as that mother can be responsible about that access. It's the kid's rights, not the mothers, that are being protected. If the mother can get her shit together than the kids have the right to have her a participant in their upbringing.

    Are they going to give her custody? Probably not. Not with her background and not with her lack of compliance. Are they going to give her more access than she has now, including some imput into medical decisions? That is certainly possible. When children are this young courts tend to hope for the best when it comes to mothers.

    The best thing you can do is be a friend to this father. Listen, and be supportive, but don't pretend to be an expert on the law or what he should do next. You can hate their mother all you want, but the courts don't hate anyone. The courts tries to keep both parents in a child's life.
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    The Question
    So, im 22 female. my parents have been together for 30 years. Back when i was 15, I always caught my dad on porn sites or using a webcam.. too young to realize. when i was 18, i realized how much he was always leaving the house at night (my mom works nights) and the nights my mom didnt work he would be home. He would come home those nights acting weird, i knew something was up. I found him in a chat site, and in his search history a lot of searches for escorts, prostitutes, sex sites, etc like craigslist. It bothered me, knowing he was doing something behind my moms back and I knew, and disgusted me he was spending money on it. I tried to let my mom see the evidence by calling her nights he was out late when she was at work saying why isnt he home? Why does he have a webcam. The situation really bothered me knowing that I had this information that would break our family apart.

    Anyways, I decided to completely forget about it as i moved to college, and hoped that he would change on his own or my mom would figure it out.

    Here I am, almost 23, living at home finishing up my last year of college. When I went to his computer to print something off, I found a phone that isnt his primary phone, it was a prepaid phone. On it was texts to prostitutes named "trantran", and a guy with his full name listed, address, and sexual messages of plans of meeting up, what my dad wanted, what the other person wanted, when and where they would meet, and him saying he was on the way. There was about 3 visits to different people in a week... this obviously is a multiple times a week thing.

    So, my dad is hooking up with "trans" and a guy, and i researched this guy based on his name and address he gave, and he is a !!!junior in highschool!!! This is something I cannot and will not forget, nor ignore.

    To top it all off, I found this out 2 days ago, and 3 days ago my mom found out she might have breast cancer. So, here I am. Understanding my dad is rather gay, a sex addict, but do know hes cheating religiously on my mom and I am the only one who knows.

    I can't tell my brother, him and my dad work together in their own business, and i dont want that stress to be put on my brother.
    I told my boyfriend, he's helping as much as he can.

    So what if I tell my mom, one, she is about to find out if she has cancer. Two, I feel like this decision, although I know this is not my fault, but this decision to tell her is heartbreaking because I am responsible for all the pain and stress she is about to go through. My whole family will fall apart, my grandparents aunts uncles and family friends will all be so mad etc. My dad will hate me for basically having all this information against him (I know that its his fault, yes, but still, i will have zero relationship after this). Who knows if he will hurt himself, run away, do something horrible.

    What if I dont tell my mom. I feel guilty as hell knowing that she is being treated this way, having to lie to her, having so much anger to keep this horrible secret in because of him, but then again only I feel the pain of the situation if I dont tell. And my family goes on as is. Plus, my mom is supporting my family and my dad, as he is in debt from opening his store, yet he is spending money on sex..

    What if I say something to my dad, how will he react, does he need help bc hes a sex addict or will he be embarrased bc maybe he is gay? Will he continue his ways, will he laugh in my face, will he hurt himself, will he run away, will he kill himself, will he really try and get help?

    This situation is not my fault, but the outcome of this situation at this current moment is riding heavily in my hands.. i make the decision what to do, who to tell, what to say.. And i really just need help. No one, no one wants to find out their dad is this type of person, it RIPS me apart knowing he is cheating, lying, spending money on this, having sex with a high school student, knowing he must be sooo messed up in his head, must have such deep serious problems, be so wrapped up in this that he does it multiple times a week, comes home, lives a double life.

    It tears me apart to know my mother, someone so sweet, caring, and giving, doesn't know, she doesn't deserve this, she will be CRUSHED, they have an upcoming vacation together. What if my dad gets caught by the police, what if my dad goes to jail, what if my dad is so emotionally messed up he has no idea what to do and feels alone, what if hes got so many problems he just ends up hurting himself. How do I sort these emotions out in my head, how do i make a decision, how do i deal with all of this..

    any advice is helpful.

    The Answer
    Get your butt into therapy.

    Chances are good you are going to tell someone, sooner rather than later. Your mother is being put in physical danger by your father's choices. A man who is regularly paying for sex, and seeking sex with someone who is - likely - a minor, is not someone who can be trusted to be practicing safe sex.

    Between that very real physical danger, the potentially criminal behaviour, the financial concerns, and your entirely legitimate anger, this is going to come out of your mouth at some point, and it's going to hurt everyone - probably you more than most, because you'll be getting it from all sides.

    So talk to a therapist. Your boyfriend may be awesome, but he is also limited, and you want to make sure your relationship with him can stay healthy and balanced through this. So, talk to a therapist about everything you are feeling, and any plans you are making. Give yourself the gift of having a safe place to go and be honest. You are going to need it.
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    The Question
    I have been dating a guy for 2 years. Throughout this time we have had our ops and downs and I have also found out he is a compulsive liar. A few months ago he started a new job at a restaurant and has been hanging out with some of his coworkers for drinks/pool on the weekends. One of his coworkers seems to have taken interest in him. I have his instagram login and she just recently asked to befriend him on there. Well after he accepts that, he deleted the pictures with me in them. I ask him about it and he claims he deleted more pictures (he didn't) and plans to delete his instagram (don't believe it). I believe he deleted my pictures so his coworker wouldn't see them. Just two days ago he tells me he is going to shoot some pool with "the guys from work". Come to find out, he went to a bar with this girl for her birthday. The fact that he lied about who he was with leads me to believe something is going on. I actually texted the other girl and she claims there is nothing going on between them and they're just coworkers but did apologize for the feelings she has for him. I want to believe her but my gut tells me otherwise. He has done this type of thing before (gone behind my back and seen other women). I want to end the relationship because I don't trust him and I feel dumb to stick around again. What would you do? We are 24/25 if that matters.

    The Answer
    It seems possible that he isn't actually cheating this time. It seems possible, that even though this girl does have feelings for him, she is respectful of your relationship.

    That is possible.

    But you are right to be skeptical. He's cheated before, and he is still lying, rather than being honest with you. The deleting photos of you two togeather is seriously sketchy.

    It might be time to consider if you can ever trust this guy. Maybe he isn't cheating - this time - but he also isn't being honest with you. You don't have to wait for him to do something truly awful before you are allowed to dump him.
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    The Question
    Hello, porn is wrecking my life. I am 24 and revert to it every few weeks or months for up to an hour - way too much. It makes me really depressed and I feel unstable mentally because of it. I don't want to pursue a relationship till I feel a bit more stable as I don't want to screw up anyone else's life. I guess the obvious answer is STOP DOING IT but it is like a drug that seems impossible to break! :(
    What should I do?

    The Answer
    Viewing porn once every few weeks or months is not the behavoir of an addict.

    There is nothing wrong with viewing porn. It's not a sign of mental instability or poor health, or any sort of physical problem. It's a normal thing that most people do, most happy boyfriends, husbands, fathers and even grandfathers. Many men who are loving and respectful of the women in thier lives - also watch porn.

    If you don't want to view porn, the best thing for you is to seek out a support group of people who feel like you do. If you want to avoid porn for religious reasons, there are many groups online for religious people to dicuss thier struggles to live in accordance with thier faith when it comes to porn.

    If you want to stop viewing porn, and think that will make you happier or healthier, you should absolutely keep on trying. However, you should also stop being so hard on yourself. What you are doing isn't harmful to yourself or others. You are not mentally ill or unstable because you occassionaly watch porn. You are human.
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    The Question
    i thought i had feelings for this guy but hes getting clingy and now i dont think i like him as much... i feel like telling him that would make him think i lead him on.. maybe i did in a way, but i cant help how i feel. i care about this guy but maybe not enough for any kind of relationship.. i dont know what to do and i need advice.. i dont want to hurt him

    The Answer
    You changed your mind. Human being do that, and you are allowed to do that.

    It may hurt his feelings, but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Maybe he'll feel that you led him on - and he'll be wrong. You told him the truth when you liked him, and now you need to tell him the truth when you don't.

    It's simple - even though it's hard to do.
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    The Question
    I have two questions, but I'm going to focus on one major question.
    I am an 18 year old female and I live with my parents and my 5 other siblings. So that makes 8 people in the house. In the house I am the second oldest and first oldest female. I have a 20 year old brother.My other siblings are 15,12,12, and 4. I am currently in college at a community college that pay's everything for me, including books. I plan to transfer in 2016. Anyways whatever scholarships I receive I get cash back as long as it doesn't exceed $15,000 each year. This semester I got $4,500 cash back. I'm getting the same next semester. I was working and decided to leave my job because I have to maintain a 3.5 GPA. I want my first year's grades to be great so that I can get many scholarships when I transfer. I also planned a trip to New York as a gift to myself after completing my two years at community college. I will need $1,000 for that.
    Now my issue is that my parent's don't know how to control their finances, and ask for large sums of money from me unexpectedly. I have no problem helping out my parents but it seems like they DO NOT want to learn how to fix their finances and live under their means. I would like things better if my parents asked me for a consistent monthly bill. Twice my savings has been depleted by them. They owed $5,000 to the land lord because of 4 months of not paying rent. My mom owes the nursing school that she's attending $3,000. I was saving my cash back money for summer classes that are not paid for by my scholarship, a cheap laptop to help me study, take care of any finances that are not covered when I transfer, help cover my monthly bus pass and monthly cell phone bill.
    I borrowed my mom $4,000. She promised to start paying me back $250 each week but every time I ask she tells me to leave it alone. What angers me is the fact that my parents will go on spending sprees. They don't save up for a bill but instead just wait for a paycheck to come in. For instance my phone bill each month is $45. When I was working I'd take $10 3 times from each paycheck and I took out $15 from one paycheck. That way when it's time to pay the bill I don't have to take a large chunk of a paycheck. My parents have a lot of credit card debt. They've been behind on rent several times. I went to Old Navy the other day to get a few tops for the changing whether and sweaters for two of my sisters. My mother bought $100 worth of stuff. I was kind of mad, because she's spending money that she doesn't have. When she's in a rut she comes and ask's for money without trying to change her habits, and DOES NOT budget or try to. I tried helping her find coupons but she doesn't listen. My siblings needed uniform for school, and I had plan to buy it for them, but I had to give the money to her. Again I have no problem helping out my parents but their finances are terrible and they don't try to change it. My mother borrowed my brothers credit card when he was 18 and used it to pay rent many times. She promised to pay the credit card bills but rarely does, and my brother works two jobs now while attending school to pay the debt.
    Whenever I buy something for myself like a $6 meal or some clothes that I liked my dad get's mad, and my mom ask's me why didn't I buy for my siblings too. It makes me resent them sometimes. In high school I could never dress in the styles I wanted. I had bad acne and my parents didn't want to pay for things to clear my acne. They kept saying that didn't have money. Yet my dad would keep buying things for his "new" business that has never started. So I started selling candy and doing papers to make money. My dad would take my money. My bank account went into overdraft because of him. Now I'm an adult. I've found ways to clear up my acne by buying stuff after I got a job. I borrowed him $100 and really needed it back to pay for an educational program for my 4 year old sister because they were too busy to sign her up for one. He swore up and down that he'd give me the money that same day, but after I gave him the money he didn't seem to care about getting the money. He got mad and threatened to punch me in my face. He then wrote a $100 check and threw it at me.
    I want to be involved in school activities but I see that I can't. I've decided to start looking for another job since the seasons are coming up and rack up some money for my summer classes and just give my parents a monthly check. I also apply to multiple scholarships to get cash back money.

    Now I feel like I can't tell my parents anything about my money. They don't try to handle their finances.They make it seem like I'm a bad person when I really can't afford to give them large sums of money. Growing up there was so much that I couldn't get because they didn't have the money, and that's ok. What I hate now is how they don't care to take care of their finances but expect me to bail them out when I don't have a stable job and I'm saving up to get my degree's in speech pathology/audiology without debt. I would be way more happier giving them between $200-$300 a month to help out instead of them randomly asking for $1,000.

    Am I being a brat? Am I being greedy? Am i wrong for asking for the money back? I don't need it to go on a shopping spree, but I save it for the future just in case I don't get enough scholarships, or a job my first few months when I transfer to a different college. What should I do?

    The Answer
    Nope. You are fine.

    But I think you had an awesome idea: Pay them a monthly sum, call it rent or room and board.

    You don't have too - of course - unless they ask, but I bet if you tell them "Hey, I want to help out, but I'm done loaning you money. Instead, I will give you X each month, and nothing more."

    Then, do that, and give them nothing else but that monthly sum. You might feel stronger and better about saying no, if you can say "No. We agreed on the monthly sum. I budget to give you that amount each month. I cannot give you more. I the rest of my money is for my other financial responsibilities."

    You might have to accept that the money you've already given them is just gone - and that really, really sucks - but from now on, if you only talk to them about money in terms of the monthly amount you have agreed to give them, and never speak of anything else, you might find you are able to achieve more peace inside yourself. They will still ask you, but what you need to do is find a place in yourself from which you can say no and be at peace.
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    The Question
    I think that my father is depressed, and I feel like he has anger management issues. I am 18 and I live under my parents roof. I have siblings that are 20, 15, 12, 12, and 4.
    For the longest my dad has wanted to restart his own business. He wants to own an air conditioning businesses. he used to own a warehouse resale business. He would resell items in bulk. That was when I was a toddler. He lost his business and had to start taking up various jobs. He has said several times that he wishes we were born earlier so that he could be living his own life (He had us when he was 39 and up.) He has said that it's our fault that he can't start his own business. He has said it's our fault that he's in debt. I've suggested to him to find janitorial jobs and start a cleaning business but he ignores me. He is not savy with technology at all. he does not know how to send his own emails or use Microsoft word. He does not try to learn.
    Ever since my brother and I got jobs and started making our own money he's gotten more angry. He get's mad when we call it our own money, yet growing up he'd always call his house his domain and say that we had to do whatever he wanted.
    Growing up my dad treated my brother different than me. My brother could make many mistakes and my dad would do nothing. My brother has snuck out many times when in middles school, he crashed my mothers car, and took my parents money to pay for other things while lying and saying that it's for school. My dad paid for him to take a $300 summer class and he failed without care.
    On the other hand I would get beat for talking to a friend after school. I had my phone taken away even though my brother ran up the cell phone bill. My dad tried to drown me in a sink full of water because I brushed my teeth in his restroom even though all the other restrooms were occupied. When I was under 18 he'd beat me with broom sticks and kick me for having a face book, yet do nothing to my brother. One night my brother and i went to a park. i was 15 and he was 16. I came after 8PM and my brother came 30 minutes later. My dad made me stand in a corner and he let my brother go do what he wanted to do.

    Now that we're a bit older my brother isn't doing good. he's always dating someone new. he works two jobs. His GPA in college is a 2.4. He recently crashed into the front bumper of my dad's truck. My dad complains to me about what he doesn't like about my brother. personally I don't give two shits. I've told him many times that he allowed my brother to be the way it is. He refuses to get my brothers new cell phone number and he hasn't made my brother pay for the both times that he has caused damaged to the cars.
    I feel like my father is depressed, but I really do not care. he has said many heartless mean things over the years. he still acts like a brat. He got mad when i told him that there is no paper towel in the house. he told me to clean my hands with my clothes. When i was working he would ALWAYS pick me up late from work. The house is a 5 minute drive from my job, and he would still be 30 minutes late.I tried to speak to him about it but he told me that he's slap me and told me to shut up. He barely does anything in the house but sit around and boss people around.

    Am i wrong for not caring about my fathers depression and issues with my brother? I plan to leave in 2016 and transfer.

    The Answer
    No. You aren't wrong to talk deep breath, and ignore your father's misplaced blame and anger.

    You have your own life to worry about and you can't solve his mistakes or help him accept his situation. You are his kid, that isn't your job.

    Try to have some sympathy for him - he's obviously very unhappy - but don't make that unhappiness your problem. You can't solve it for him.

    Your only responsibility at this, besides to yourself, is to make sure your younger siblings are as safe and well-cared as you can. If you see him abuse your younger siblings, you should be prepared to intervene and report him to proper authorities. You are his kid, but you aren't a child anymore, and you have a responsibility to act to protect any minor children you know to be in danger of abuse.
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    The Question

    Before I start, please do not tell me about the safety of having sex (using condoms to prevent pregnancy, to prevent getting STDs, even if you're on birth control pills, etc.) I am aware of all of these things.

    Let me say that my boyfriend and I do not use condoms. We did at first, but I have been on birth control for the past three years. We are also both STD free.

    So, my situation is I went through my boyfriend's wallet trying to get a hint of what I should get him for his birthday. His wallet didn't have many things in it and I found a condom. I got to thinking, if we don't usually use condoms, why would he carry one around with him? I thought maybe he forgot about it before he met me or he wanted to be safe just in case? But just in case what? Just in case another girl comes along that he wants to sleep with doesn't give me much of a reassurance.

    I just want to understand why or the possibility of him having it would do. I know that if I got him a new wallet, he'll put another condom in it, too. I'm curious on what the purpose may be. Am I thinking too much into it? Should I even be worried about this?

    The Answer
    A lot of guys are told - at some point in their late teens - that they should 'always be prepared' and carry a condom in their wallet. If it's just the one, he probably got it at a some sort of sex-positive place like a residence or student program, or even doctors office.

    I doubt this is something to panic about. By all means ask him, but I'd bet there is a perfectly innocent explanation for it being there, even if that explanation is just that it's a really stupid habit of his. Hell, I'd even put money on it having been there for years.

    Frankly, the more important thing to tell him, and a way to begin this conversation, is how UTTERLY UNSAFE A CONDOM THAT HAS BEEN STORED IN A WALLET IS TO USE. Condoms should never be bent or pressed, they should never be exposed to extreme heat or cold, they should be kept flat, at room temperature, and thrown out after their expiry date.

    Although guys are often told to carry condoms in their wallet, that's horrifically bad advice! A condom carried in that way is almost definitely going to break. What he is preparing himself for, in this way, is a real scare. That condom should be thrown out, and he never store a condom like that ever again. It's a really, really dumb thing to do.
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    The Question
    I'm the owner of Sin City Escorts Las Vegas. You can view our girls at http://www.escortslasvegasnv.com.

    I've been wondering how many people that are not in the adult industry view this as a bad thing. Some of my girls have complained before about not always wanting to work as an escort because of some of the clients. Girls are always free do go as they please so it isn't anything like that. I would like to know how people view Las Vegas escorts and the adult industry?

    The Answer
    Advertising adult services is not an appropriate use of this site.

    Where prostitution is illegal - like it in Clark County Las Vegas - sex work isn't safe. Escorts might not like to be called sex workers, but that doesn't mean they don't understand exactly what is happening when someone pays a $1000 for an 'over night package'. There are certainly people who exist who will spend that amount of money on a sleepover and a cuddle with a pretty lady, but it's not the majority of your clientele, and you know it.

    They know what they are doing, and so do you. Fuck you to hell and back for saying "It's not anything like that." It is EXACTLY like that. Your clients know what they are buying, your workers know what they are selling, and everyone knows what is expected.

    You are selling sex, and you are selling sex in a place where selling sex is illegal. The only reason you don't admit you are selling sex, is because it's illegal. That means these women have no legal protections, and that what they are doing is extremely dangerous and leaves them far too often at the mercy of men who buy a woman's time and think that means they own her body.

    Of course some clients can be problems - really dangerous problems - for your 'girls'. (Try calling them women, or employees if you want to even pretend to be anything other than a lowlife pimp). Your clients know they can get away with behaving badly, even criminally, with their 'escorts' because prostitution is illegal, and the women cannot seek the protections they deserve from the law when they are in that line of work.

    Don't pretend to be an idiot just because it's convenient for you. I happen to believe that prostitution should be legal. These women would be safer if it was, and dumbasses like you wouldn't find it so easy to make a buck off of your 'girls' while lying to yourself about "it isn't anything like that."
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