Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

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    The Question
    22/f, 28/m

    My boyfriend has proven himself disloyal and dishonest. We have been trying to rebuild trust and have been trying to make things work.

    He has fixed what he has done wrong before: he got deleted his dating apps/websites, removed random girls he has randomly added in the past, etc. And he has been giving me a lot of reassurance telling me that he's all mine, he's not seeing, dating, or talking to anyone else, he only wants me, and for the past two months he has not done anything that I would not approve of.

    For those who doesn't know what snapchat is: I don't have it, but from what I have heard. It's where people can follow you and when that person is being followed posts a picture, it can send it to a list of people/everyone that is following you on snapchat. But the thing is, it's a picture app and you only have about 5-10 seconds to see it before the picture disappears.

    I went through my boyfriend's phone (please don't judge me on that), and one of the apps that were opened was snapchat, and his ex-girlfriend's name was on it. Obviously, the picture was gone but I became suspicious on why he was looking at her picture or why she would even send one.

    So, I asked if he used snapchat. He says that he hardly uses it, but he does use it to follow people on it. He said he has never received or sent any nudes and that the only time he uses it is when he would like to post pictures that he wouldn't on facebook such as food, travel pictures, etc. For some reason, I'm having a hard time believing him. He told me that he has not spoken to his ex-girlfriend since December (the last time we argued over him lying to me about telling her that he missed her) and that he has been completely over his ex since early January.

    Do I have anything to worry about? Should I just let it go? How can I trust him again? How should I approach this situation if I should talk to him about this?

    The Answer
    If you are dedicated to working on this relationship, you should probably let this go.

    You know he's been dishonest in the past, so sure, there is 'something' to worry about, but probably not this thing. He's explanation is utterly reasonable.

    If you want a healthy relationship, you are going to need to trust him. If you can't trust him on this, then this is probably not the right relationship for you. Frankly, if you can't trust him without checking his phone, that is also a sign this isn't the right relationship for you.
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    The Question
    I've been having sex for quite some time now and I know that when I cum in a girl then we have sex again, the friction and bodily fluids will create this white foamy substance that comes out. So I'm dating this girl and a while back the white foam came out but I hadn't cum inside her yet. My guess is that the remainders of someone else's semen was inside of her and when she and I had sex it brought it out. After all, that's why the penis is shaped the way it is, isn't it? to displace other male's semen. Anyways, we had a huge fight over it and I kinda broke up with her, I felt bad for breaking up over just a suspicion but mind you, she has broken my trust before, not with cheating, but with small stuff. So we got back together and just today the same thing happened again with the foam. She denies it to no end, and I have no way to prove it. I think shes the kind of person that even when confronted with the truth she would deny it, unless I actually had proof. Am I being unreasonable to break it off again? I know that if I really don't trust her I shouldn't be with her, but sometimes I think I'm being paranoid. And I know the vagina does different secretions, but I know the exact foam and what it looks like and how its formed, and I know her thick creamy cum from her thin lubricating cum and the only way I've seen the foam form there is when sperm have been in there. What do you think guys? Please help!

    The Answer
    I think you need to check your crazy.

    If you think your girlfriend is not a faithful person, then dump her. You don't need to wait till you have proof she cheated. If you don't have trust in her, that is enough to end the relationship.

    However, you cannot tell that she had sex with someone based on her vaginal discharge. I'm sorry, that's just vengeful, insecure lunacy. Akin to arguing that a woman isn't a virgin because she didn't bleed the first time. What you've said here about her discharge is at that level of not okay bullshit. There are so many reasons that a woman's vaginal discharge may change consistency. Different clothes, different body soaps, exercise, irritation, and of course, illness. Most obviously, if you are focused on the idea that it's sperm you are seeing, it could be yours! You are just more likely to notice it now because you already feeling so insecure and distrustful. Sperm can remain in the woman's body for nearly a week, it's not like she'd have to fuck someone else a hour before she saw you in order to have semen in her system. If you are having regular unprotected sex, then there is always some amount of sperm in her vagina.

    But none of that really matters, either way you need to stop making accusations based on her bodily functions. Really, that is just a level of arrogance, magical thinking, insecurity and plain old judgement of someone else's body is just that not okay. If a guy did that to me, not only would I be showing him the door, I'd be changing the locks and blocking his number, because I'd be genuinely frightened by someone whose was both that arrogant, prone to such an irrational leap of thinking and that desperate for evidence of cheating. I could not trust such a person to be anywhere near me, because I could not trust them to make reasonable judgements.

    If you don't believe her, then dump her. That's fine. You are not obligated to trust her, but jumping to conclusions based on her vaginal discharge is not okay. Maybe she is cheating! Maybe it is really some other guys sperm you are noticing! Probably not, but hell, maybe. However, you do not have the medical training or expertise to make those sorts of calls, and the people who do can tell you straight up that there are a ton of reasons for vaginal discharge change that aren't having sex with someone else.

    In the end, if this is the kind of crazy thinking you are doing about your relationship, it is probably not a relationship you should be in. You should disengage yourself before this kind of thinking becomes a habit that poisons your future relationships.
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    The Question
    Me and my sister went to meet a man and we each gave the man a hug during the greeting. I noticed that as I was hugging the man, the backs of our hands brushed against each other. I found this rather odd.

    We then took pictures with the man one by one. I then noticed that as I was having my picture taken with him, he had the palm of his right hand on my right upper arm with a huge smile on his face. He did not do this when he was taking pictures with the others.

    What could it mean?

    The Answer
    We can't know. Not based on so very, very little.

    Neither can you really. It doesn't even sound like you'd met him before. Actually, it sounds a bit like you attended a celebrity meet and great.

    So, do you like him? Do you know him on a personal level and are capable of contacting him? If so,you certainly have enough to go on to speak up a bit.
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    The Question
    OK Firstly i would like to apologize for the length of this. To begin with i am 15 yrs of age and i have realized that since i was 14 years i had been attracted to older guys. i mean older guys like 3 years older and more. i am really embarrassed by that fact but i this just me.
    so i dated this guy who is 23 years .he was perfect mature enough and never made me do anything i didnt want to do.he was really sweet and he took my age into consideration.He was never rude to me and was quite honest.the problem was that my mum knew about him. she thought we just spoke and were friends. so i decided to break up with me and i regret it dearly. i want him back although he said we are not meant to be.i have tried dating other guys but i dont have any feelings for them and they have a lot for me. i dont want to break any hearts. Every time i try to tell him ( my ex) how i feel he says he dont believe me and that i was only being nice because that is the way i am.now i am depressed and horny about him .i have never felt sexually attracted to anyone and i cant.help!!!

    The Answer
    I think you need to try and let go of this for now.

    It's totally okay to be attracted to older people. Especially when you are only 15. When the older people you are talking about means 18+ then all you are really describing is men who are actually sexually mature. That's not particularly unusual or unhealthy.

    But this guy, he's moved on and isn't interested right now. You WILL feel sexual attractions to other people in your life. I promise that will happen. This is not the end, he is not the one, he was just an important one early on in your life. But he has now said no to you, and you have to respect that.

    It's okay to be sad, and still be attracted to him, but you have to learn to handle that in ways that are respectful. If you aren't attracted to other people right now, then don't date other people right now. It's better to be single until you find someone you actually want to date - and who wants to date you!
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    The Question
    I am 27 years old and I'm FINALLY about to get started on my dream job as a writer and a comedian. I know it sounds like a stupid dream, but I'm actually making it happen and I've got a good fall back plan.

    Here are my questions. The first is how do I choose just one style of comedy I want to do? It's been said to me, or at least implied, that actors do their best when they choose one style to specialize in and choose their inspiration from that style. I can't decide what I want to do. As for inspiration or influences I've had, there have been many. I love Phil Hartman, John Ritter, Mike Myers, David Spade, John Belushi, Robin Williams, and Chris Farley. A lot of those guys have different styles. Hartman although a nice guy in real life, was known for playing weasels. Ritter was gifted and physical comedy, Myers and Williams are gifted at creating an array of different characters, Spade is a smart mouth, and Belushi and Farley often played dumb guys and poked fun at their weight. How do I choose which way to go?

    Second question is what do I do if my family doesn't support me? My parents do support me as do my sister, my aunt, and my uncle. However, my granddad on my mom's side, my grandmother on my dad's side, and my brother don't support me at all. They seem to want me to fail. I could understand them just wanting me to be realistic, but that doesn't seem to be their problem. Their problem seems to be more that they don't want me to succeed, they don't care, or in my granddad's case, he just doesn't like my humor. We don't like each others humor actually. I don't like most of the jokes he makes, but I laugh at them anyway to be polite, but he won't do the same. Anytime I make a joke in front of him, it's just awkward silence. I know he doesn't have any faith in me to be successful. Aside from him, One aunt was extremely negative about my goal and on uncle didn't even bother to watch the first performance I did.

    I guess that's it. Does anyone have any advice for me?

    The Answer
    Most performers choose their style or genre by trying on a lot of different ones. Most don't wake up one day and say "Hey, I'll be X" They tried out a whole bunch of different styles and skills and developed a tool box of things that worked for them.

    They may have a distinct style by the you know them well, but you can be sure they experimented with a ton of stuff before they got there.

    So really, don't obsess about styles. If you haven't, start taking classes now. You'll learn what other styles are called and how to recognize them in others and yourself. You'll find people to experiment with. That's more important that 'picking' something right now.

    As for your family. Shit! Have one brother and grandparents who don't support you is enough to worry you? I'm sorry dear, but you just need to suck that up. Your parents and a bunch of others are supportive - most people don't even get that much. Appreciate what you've got and keep some distance from the negativity. You've got a ton of great people to lean on. Don't get caught up worrying that not everyone who shares your genes has got your back. That is not worth your energy.

    If you want to be a professional, no one, and I mean NO ONE, not even your family, owes it to you fake a laugh. If you want to be a pro, you are going to have give up on the idea that someone owes you 'polite laughter' just because you tried to tell a joke. That's not what you are signing up for.
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    The Question
    I'm a 45yo F. I met a new group of friends last year, and was immediately attracted to "Tee" (40yo F). Tee's best friend, "Vee", had hit on me the year before, but I wasn't interested, at all. Vee is, however, a business owner in my field. When I started dating Tee, Vee offered me a job to keep me in town (I was planning a move). It turned out to be a great job, and I'm learning a lot and making good money. At first Tee was good with it, but her jealousy has gradually gotten to the point where she hates Vee. Vee and I have NEVER done anything... the paranoia is ALL in Tee's head, but it's making my life miserable. I've offered to quit, but she knows I love the job. At this point, I don't even want to be in a relationship with her anymore, though, because this thing has broken up their friendship, their circle of friends, and I can't help but feel responsible, even though I've done absolutely nothing wrong. What would you do?

    The Answer
    Honestly, you might want to seek therapy.

    Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you have some really tough choices to make, and to learn to live with. You are probably not going to get everything you want. A therapist could help you navigate that in an on-going way. Any advice I give will just be one-off.

    From a one-off perspective, it sounds like you probably want to dump Tee. She's creating a lot of unpleasantness in a bunch of areas of your life, and she is absolutely refusing to listen to you when you try to tell her how her behaviour is impacting you. That's a pretty solid reason to break up with someone.

    If you are going to stay with her, it sounds like you really need to stand up for the choices that have been made. That means reminding her that despite her feelings about Vee, the choice to remain at that job is yours and you've made it. Also, regardless of her feelings, Elle is a dear friend and you are going to make her a priority now. If you can't make her understand - fine, but don't sacrifice what you feel is right just because she doesn't understand. Do the thing you feel is right anyways.

    Also, you might want to consider cultivating some friendships outside this group. What happened isn't your fault, but it does suggest you were overly dependant on your girlfriend's existing group of friends. Reach out and reconnect with people beyond her group and you'll feel more balanced and less isolated.
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    The Question
    can you seriously date a girl who said they had a mmf three some in the past?

    The Answer
    You can choose not to date someone for any reason you want.

    You could decide not to date someone who paint thier nails green, or believes in ghosts, or whose skin colour you don't like.

    You can also choose not to date a woman who choose to have a threesome in the past - although honestly, I find it interesting you specify a MMF threesome. It's like you'd be okay with an MFF threesome - Why? Because you think that is sexy and you like that idea, but an MMF grosses you out? That's a bit immature isn't it.

    It doesn't matter though. You get to decide. Personally, I like to respect the person I met today, and not judge them on choices they made in the past, or demand they be ashamed on things they are not ashamed of to make me more comfortable.
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    The Question
    My wife and I have been married for 2 years. I have recently noticed 3 red flags and don't know how to approach the subject without accusing her of anything.

    1) She has become very protective of her phone. She brings it everywhere (when she used to leave it everywhere), and even flips the screen away from me if it's sitting on the table. She is texting somebody (I know it's a much older coworker), and will angle the phone away from me so I can't see anything.

    2) She turned off "Find my Friends." We used it moreso so I don't text her "where are you" if I can see she's on her way home from work.

    3) She's been having ever-frequent work happy hours. She used to have about 1 per month, but she has had a total of 8 this month and they usually go later than normal.

    My problem with everything is nothing has changed at home. She's still very friendly to me, initiate's kisses or "I Love You's," and other things. My feeling is that if something were going on, she wouldn't be acting normal at home.

    I want to bring it up with her, but don't know how without making her mad or think I don't trust her. However I've been losing sleep over it and am terrified that this is a major issue. Any help would be great.

    The Answer
    You don't trust her. So if she thinks that, she's right.

    And she might get mad. She might get mad if she is cheating, and she might get mad if she's not cheating.

    But if you say nothing, you're going to feel worse and you are going to go on not trusting her.

    So you have to speak up and ask her what is going on. You've noticed very real changes in her behaviour. Focus on the increased nights out, not the phone behaviour. Turning off locations services - I mean frankly that just sane behaviour - I wouldn't want anyone, even my partner looking up where I was ever second. That's just weird. Even her privacy around her messages - which she utterly entitled to privacy about, although it might make you fearful.

    Instead, talk about honestly about your fears. Don't spend the entire conversation focusing in on her behaviour. Let her know what you are certain of. You are certain that she is staying out later, more often with co-workers. You are certain that she is regular contact with one particular co-worker.

    Instead of making accusations, ask questions. You may also ask her to understand how these behaviours make you feel. No matter how you much you might trust someone, some behaviours just look dishonest. She has to acknowledge, even if she not cheating, that what she is doing, doesn't look good.

    /// Edited to Add ///
    Please do not do what missundersmock has suggested. Even if you are being cheated on - which sucks and is awful - it does not mean you should become controlling and abusive. Demanding to see her phone or threatening to cut off the contract for her phone is straight up abuse. Even if you do it without yelling, that is not cool. That kind of deliberate, nasty confrontation will kill your relationship past any chance of it being saved, even if she isn't cheating. Plain and simple. Cheating is never okay. Abuse, attacks and invasions are also never okay - even if you manage them without yelling.

    And the silent treatment? Seriously. You are not 12. Don't punish your partner with silence. That is not a valid technique to address problems between adults.

    There is no 'nice' way to be abusive. Just be a respectful human being. Bring this up in a calm way and clear way. Don't just go into attack mode when you spot the behaviour you are worried about. Nothing about that can be 'nice', and worse, it's counterproductive. It's really hard to take the high road of someone else has betrayed you, but their betrayal doesn't mean you are entitled to do whatever the hell you want to them. Whatever has happened, whatever she has done, you still have to go on living with yourself, so act in such a way that you can hold your head high, knowing that you treated her with basic human dignity and respect - not as though she was a disobedient child - even if she didn't behave that way towards you.
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    The Question
    My boyfriend who is 22, had a different girlfriend about a month ago. I'm 20. I found a condom wrapper in his closet. The lube was still slippery, and I confronted him about it. He said that it was from when he was still with his Ex-girlfriend from a month ago. How long does it take for lube in a Trojan condom wrapper to dry? Is it possible that those specific Trojan condoms can take a month to dry up?

    The Answer
    An oil based lube could very, very easily still feel wet months later. Water based lubes would dry out rather quickly, but unless it specifically says 'water based' on it, then it's oil and oil will keep feeling wet for a very, very long time.

    Frankly, in your shoes, I'd be more worried about my boyfriend's horrible cleaning habits than worried he was cheating. Yuck. Gross. Ew. Throw out the wrappers! I mean, they start to smell for goodness sake.
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    The Question
    (Not quite sure if i put this in the right category, sorry!)
    Okay so this past summer, i became close with an older guy, he was 18 and graduated and i was 14 and getting ready to enter high school. He began asking me inappropriate things, such as if i touch myself, and if i've ever thought about being with a guy sexually, etc. I was (and still am) a very anxious person, and was too afraid to tell him that he was making me uncomfortable, and played along instead. He began getting more and more inappropriate as the weeks went on, admitting to liking me in a more than a friend way (which i usually wouldn't have had a problem with, had he behaved differently) and in the heat of the moment in a conversation about bsdm, he offered that if i was ever curious about that, he'd be glad to try it with me, and even tried to kiss me once (note that since i had a problem with telling him no, he had asked me the day before if i would be okay with it, and i had agreed to it) and said that he wanted to go father than just a kiss, saying things like "If i get to do what i want tomorrow, i bet you won't be able to keep quiet ;)" and "We can start small, and see where that takes us" and also keep in mind that while i was against all of this, he had no idea and thought that i was okay with it. The few people that i've told about this have said that he was still behaving inappropriately, as he is a grown man and i am a minor who is much younger than him, and that he shouldn't have made those sexual advances to begin with, but i still think that it was really my fault for allowing him to keep going, and that it makes what he did okay. What do you guys think? (note that he never touched me, only spoke of it and told me he was going to, but he left for the army before he could do so. He did try to kiss me but stopped when my mom came back inside the house)

    The Answer
    Depending where you live, he may have committed other crimes such as 'sexual interference with a minor' but those sorts of crimes are very different state by state. It will depend a lot on your state's age of consent.

    Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children. Chances are at 14 years old, you are well into puberty and don't qualify. Most places use 12 years of age as the legal cut off for any sort of pedophilia charge.

    It is not your fault and what he did - although it might not be a crime, or might be impossible to prove - was not okay.

    Even if you feel you made mistakes, that doesn't mean it's okay for someone else to harass you, or to use their position and experience as a much older person to bully you. Think of this way: If you, a 14 year old kid, scratched someone's car, would it be okay for that adult to come out and beat you up? Or shot a gun at you? No, of course not. A scratched car is an accident that two calm people can resolve. Beating someone up is a crime. It would not be 'okay' for someone to assault even if you made that sort of mistake.

    This is similar thing. You don't have to be perfect. Even if you aren't 100% perfect, you still deserve to NOT be harassed. You ALWAYS deserve to NOT be harassed, no matter what you do. There is nothing you can do that means you deserve to be harassed or bullied, or coerced or made to feel unsafe by a guy who is sexually pursuing you.

    So please remember, even if you feel you made a mistake when dealing with a guy, no mistake you ever makes means it's okay for them to bully you or harass you.

    You should talk to adult you can trust about his behavior. Someone who can interfere and help you stay safe if he comes back and starts up again. It is scary to say no to someone - it's even scarier to say no to someone who is bigger and older than you. That's why what he did was wrong. He put you in a position, because of your youth and inexperience, where he knew it would be really, really hard for you to actually stand up for yourself. He bullied you.

    Yes, you need to learn to stand up for yourself and speak up when you are uncomfortable, but just because you weren't perfect, doesn't excuse his behavior. He was still wrong.
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    The Question
    Can i get pregnant after sex through anus (sperm coming out of my anus)

    The Answer
    It is exceedingly unlikely that semen seeping out of the anus, could make it's way far enough into the vagina to fertilize an egg.

    It's terribly unlikely you would get pregnant this way, but it is not strictly speaking, impossible. You will find people who admit (with some shame) to conceiving in this way.
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    The Question
    Hi there,

    Should I follow the teachings I found in David Servant's book: The Great Gospel Deception?

    I found some guy that really hates this guy, but when I look at David Servant's website, the points that the guy who hates him keeps making seem to obviously be false... So, how do I tell what to do and who to believe.

    Is Mr. Servant an honest man I should listen to, or not?

    Thank you!

    The Answer
    Anyone who says they have the absolute and total truth about god, the bible and life after death is almost definitely wrong and probably trying to sell you something.

    Anyone who calls them a liar is also almost definitely wrong.

    Sorry. You just have to decide what you believe, because both David Servant, and his critics, are equally full of nonsense and equally unreliable. One may be nicer than the other, but nice doesn't mean as more correct. Until God decides to write an editorial for the New York Times telling us all just how it is we are supposed to interrupt the mixed up jumble of writings that human being tossed together between 1 to 3 thousand years, that we now call the Bible, no one, and I mean NO ONE, is an absolute authority on biblical truth.

    If you are living a life of faith, you just get to make a choice what you are going to believe.
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    The Question
    About a year ago I met the most amazing guy. We clicked immediately, and he asked me out. We dated for several months, but broke up when he had to change states for his job. We considered doing long distance, but ultimately decided against it (I could tell he didn't really want to).

    We remained friends - with benefits. We've been visiting each other every few months or so. We discussed getting back together if we ever found ourselves in the same city. Then, he mentioned that although he had strong feelings for me, he didn't know if he could ever love me, and didn't want to break my heart again. He eventually confessed that he never had feelings for me; which makes very little sense to me because he really seemed like he did like me. He claims that he loves spending time with me, but that's it.

    He is a very emotionally distant person. He has trouble opening up and dislikes talking about his feelings. I know he's been hurt in the past; every girl he has had real feelings for has hurt him, but he claims to "get over it" very quickly. He does not attach emotionally to anything.

    He calls me his best friend. We talk daily. He encourages me to date and meet other guys, and it hurts. He talks about his future, and I'm not in it. I'm a little hurt because I'm blindsided; we seem to have the perfect recipe for a wonderful relationship. I want to be with him and he thinks he can't love me - I don't understand how someone could even come to that conclusion, especially when we are best friends and are sexually involved.

    Any advice?

    The Answer
    Stop talking to him daily. Stop sleeping with him. Stop relying on him for an emotional connection he has straight up told you he will NOT be providing.

    Stop holding on to this fantasy. It's disrespectful. Pay him the respect of believing the things he says and then decide, in light of the truths he has told you, whether or not there is enough here for you to stick around.

    Hint: There isn't.

    You aren't blindsided - you may have been once, but this has been going on for months now, so you know the score, you just don't want to know it.

    The reality here is that he IS NOT OFFERING what you want. He has told he will not offer it - ever - but you keep acting like something is going to change if you just keep on doing what you are doing. That is definition of crazy.

    Do you think if you keep calling him everyday he is going to suddenly change his mind? Do you think if you keep sleeping with him he is going to change his mind? Cause he isn't. That's crazy thinking.

    You need to disentangle yourself. You need to distance yourself emotionally. You need to stop being a doormat. He is getting what he seems to want from your relationship, all the while telling you that he will NEVER give you the kind of relationship you want.

    You have to end this. There is no good outcome for you. There is no path here to success for you. All that is left for you is to decide how much of your time and energy you are going waste on him.
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    The Question
    I am 20 years old n have sex on 22 feb With my bf after 1 year. He always used two condoms but this time he used same n i bleed even i was not no more virgin .now m depreesed thAt my period is late like 15 days. So wat is reason for my late period? M opregnant ?

    The Answer
    Don't use two condoms. They aren't designed to work that way. The friction between the two condoms will create a higher risk of both of them breaking.

    Don't use medical devices in ways other than the way they are designed and intended to be used. As soon as you start making it up as you go along, you risk fucking it all up.

    If you are used to regular periods, 15 days late is right time to take a home test, or speak to your doctor. If you didn't notice the condoms break, then it's not too likely to you are pregnant. Most condom breaks are noticeable.
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    The Question
    I've known this guy for 3 years now, we were friends first and now we're dating. We've always liked each other and always had a spark. Problem is he has a baby mama. He has a 5 year old child with her and sees the kid once a week. He told her about me and everyone he knows, knows that I'm his girlfriend. Here's what I don't like: He usually sees the child with the baby mama. Like they'll both go to the arcade or both go out with the kid. This bothers me, am I wrong for feeling this way? I'm having suspicions he might be cheating although he hasn't done anything to make me feel this way and I have trust issues from previous relationships. What should I do?

    The Answer
    You should talk to him about it, and if you are still concerned, you should stop dating him.

    Let's be perfectly honest: assuming he is not cheating it is AWESOME that he, the kid, and the kid's mother can all spend time together without murdering each other. That's a much better example for young child than just being dropped off by two parents who can barely stand to speak to each other.

    This behaviour might be a example of this guy being very mature and a great dad. Or it might be an example of him feeling like an utterly incompetent parent and not wanting to be alone with the kid... Really, who knows.

    But the idea that this means he's cheating is a bit bizarre. There are a lot of more likely explanations.

    In the end, if you don't trust your boyfriend to be loyal then you shouldn't be with him, but first, talk about why it is he chooses to live this way.
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    The Question
    I'm 23 and she's 25.

    My girlfriend has been really depressed and stressed lately and I just hate seeing her this way. Before us, she was married then got divorced and due to the divorce she was left with around a $12,000 Credit Card debt. She's paying it off every month, it's just she barely has enough left over to treat herself and our two dogs. She loves to spoil our dogs first before herself. She has a full time job but just doesn't pay enough and she's already on the look for another job. She's living with me and I'm handling the house bills and sometimes she contributes as well.
    My thing is, I hate seeing her depressed and sad. I really wanna help her with her debt but she won't let me. So far to me it seems it to be a pride thing, her pride is very admirable but I just hate to see her suffering. I want her to be really happy again and show that I'm there for her and have her treat herself and the dogs again.
    So far I think I've broken the barrier down a little by giving her $200, I basically told her to take it and that I didn't need it, but for some reason I don't feel that much good about and I kinda feel like I shouldn't of done that? Why is that?
    Also she doesn't deserve this debt. During the divorce she took on the whole amount because her ex-husband threatened to take away her dogs or "put them down" since he didn't wanna take on half of the debt. That just angers me and I just want to make that burden go away.
    How do I help her with her debt? Do I set some money aside for her? Pay it off? Or let her handle it since she's already been for half a year now.
    I don't want this affecting our relationship in a way but at the same time I don't want to affect it in any way either if I decide to help her. Like, I really want to but is it right?

    The Answer
    Let her handle it.

    It's lovely that you offered her money, but if she turned it down you need to stop. Stop trying to 'wear her down'. She desperate, and will probably take the money and feel like shit about it.

    Instead, when you have a bit of money to spare, drop by the pet store and buy her dogs something that will make her laugh. Take her out for dinner when she's had a tough day. Or splurge on a bottle of wine. Show her you understand what is important to her by respecting her boundaries and her ability to deal with her own burdens, and use the money you want to share with her by showing her you know what it is special to her.

    You can't solve your partner's problems - of course you want too, but that isn't how healthy relationships actually work - and if they don't want your money, you shouldn't push and push until you make them take it. That is sure fire way to lead to shame and resentment. Instead, show her your support.
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    The Question
    I want my best guy friend to believe that I truly like him he's 13 I'm 12, he told me to do so I must arouse him. I will not go further, but how do I give him a bonar? Please no comments about my age. Btw I'm a girl.

    The Answer
    A guy who only believes the things you tell him if you go out of your way to sexually arouse him is an asshole.

    If he doesn't believe you when you tell him you like him, that's just kind of rude.

    But if he makes his belief your job, and tries to blackmail you into doing sexual things for him to earn his belief, than he is a bully and an asshole. Stay away from any guy who makes any sort of sex a condition of him even listening to the words you say. That's not okay.
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    The Question
    24/f in college

    The semester started two months ago but there was this one class that just started in the middle of the semester. It was suppose to be my first day in it and I was feeling very sick since the night before. I thought it was nothing and was going to sleep it out. I would feel better tomorrow and go to school. The next morning, I woke up and could barely move. I got out of bed and felt my heart beating really hard, my ears were buzzing, and I temporary blacked put. I kept thinking I can sleep it out. As the day went, it got worse. I quickly emailed my teachers and told them I'm sorry. I was sick and will miss their classes since I was going to the ER. Apparently, something triggered the disease I have. I was rushed into ICU. I have a serious pre-existing medical condition which my primary doc said was being maintained. The doctor said if I waited longer I would have died. Surgery was performed right away. Luckily, it was a success but I am in a lot of pain despite the painkillers. Post op, when I finally got a hold of a laptop, I checked my student email. The new teacher sent me an email. It sounded like he didn't receive my earlier email about going to the ER. He said I was irresponsible for missing the first day with no excuse, made assumptions about my priorities and work ethics. The things he said and the tone was very belittling. I'm a straight A student. I never missed class unless I have too. I never even meet this teacher and for him to accuse me of these things made me feel awful. I cried. The nurses thought I was in pain from the surgery and kept giving me painkillers. I was just discharged. What should I do when I meet him in class? I might be emotional from the whole ordeal but I feel like I don't want him as a teacher if he said those things about me.

    The Answer
    Well, you could certainly speak to the school about transferring classes.

    Or, you could take a deep breath and prove him wrong by being the person you know you are - a good, responsible student.

    I understand that you found this hurtful, but it's also the sort of thing you need to be able to let go of. You will work with people in your life who make unfair judgments about you, or are rude and belittling. You will receive nasty emails from coworkers and bosses. This will happen again in your life. If you run away from those people, or try to get back at them each time it happens, you'll only make things tougher for yourself.

    If you think his behaviour was unethical, or abusive, you should address that with your school. Colleges will usually have an ombudsperson who is there to help students address bad behaviour from other college staff.

    But really, this is NOT as big a deal as it FEELS like it is. You had a really scary experience, and he wrote something stupid and judgey. Truth is, he probably has almost forgotten about it. You just don't matter that much in his world. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and upset, but act reasonably. If you feel what he did was problem that needs to be addressed, speak to the ombudsperson about how to best go about that. Don't rush to confrontation while you are emotional and overwhelmed.

    Don't bring in your medical paper work to 'prove' anything to him. That sets you both up for further confrontation. If what he did was unethical, just take it up with the school. They are there to support you as you navigate these sorts of disputes with teachers. Don't take this into your own hands. If you feel his behaviour needs to be addresses, get some advice on how best to do that.
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    The Question
    I am 32 years old, and a female. My younger brother has been troubled most of his adult life and a few days ago he was found having had a heroin overdose. He is now in the hospital unconscious and unable to make decisions for himself. We are not on good terms with his wife, but so far she has not stopped my mom or other brothers from seeing him. I am on good terms with his ex(who is 2 kids from him) and his wife knows this and pretty much hates both of us. I live in another part of the country and I can not get there for a few more days. Tensions are rising between her and the family and I am concerned she may keep me from seeing my brother. What can I do if she does this? I know as his wife she is automatically granted power of attorney. It would be very devastating to me if I could not hold my brothers hand and tell him I love him before he passes away.

    The Answer
    Call the hospital ahead of time.

    Power of attorney can actually mean several things, but doesn't actually automatically give someone 100% say over the access that can be granted to immediate family members in this sort of situation. In some places, people are even required by law to facilitate supportive family relationships, meaning a person granted power of attorney can't deny access to relatives just because they don’t like them. There are places where that's a crime. Most hospitals will have a policy to address a situation like yours, and may even tell your SiL she must speak to a judge before she can deny immediate family members access.

    Talk to someone at the hospital before you plan to visit, and ask them what will happen if his wife attempts to deny you access. As an immediate family member, it is unlikely that it's an open and shut case. You do have rights, you just might need to put up a fight to have them honoured.
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    The Question
    Hello, I am twenty years old and female.
    I am currently on my second to last day of my period.

    Yesterday and today, today is worse, I've been having this very annoying pressure to urinate all the time but when I to the bathroom, I don't actually urinate or it's a tiny amount. However, when I actually do go, it's an even worse pressure - but I can't really describe it as a burning sensation, it's honestly still just pressure there. I have yet to feel a burning sensation during urination.

    My first instinct was to think it's a UTI, very common in women but then I read that any irritation to the vagina during your period could cause this, sorry too personal, but on Saturday night, my boyfriend and I hooked up, I obviously couldn't do anything so it was just dry humping mostly and I figured that may have been the "irritation" that could cause this too.

    I've been reading about UTI's and it's always described as pressure, burning when urinating, fevers maybe (depending on how bad the UTI is), cloudy urination... but I only have the pressure.

    I know I should go to the doctor but if it's anything related to my period, and my period is over tomorrow, I'm kind of just dealing with it til then to see if I still have this going on.

    Any input is appreciated, if you get pressure to have to pee all the time during your period or if you've had a UTI before, anything I can do, if it's normal... anything, really.

    Thanks!

    The Answer
    See a doctor right away. You almost definitely have a UTI.

    The pressure - with very little urine coming out - it how it starts. Next comes the pain and burning.

    UTIs get more uncomfortable super-quick, and left untreated long enough they can cause other health problems, including kidney infections. So no 'waiting and seeing'. Go to a doctor. Chances are pretty good you woke up this morning and felt the burning. So go now.
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