Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

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    The Question
    Hi! I'm 13, do u think it would be Appropriate for me to get a rabbit vibrator like the one with the rabbit head for clit and the dildo moves around. Should I ask my mom for one or am I too young? Please help!!

    The Answer
    If you want to talk to your mom about this, then talk to your mom about this.

    I wouldn't really encourage a 13 year old to get a vibrator. Cleaned and cared for properly, there is nothing harmful about them. You aren't 'too young'. I just think you'd be better off learning about your body with your own hands and mind at this stage. Toys can be fun, but they can also help to create habits and dependancies aren't so much fun once you are ready to have sex with another person.

    Don't try to jump off the deep end into toy land. Have fun with what you've got. Your most powerful sexual tool is your own mind. If you don't absolutely need batteries to enjoy yourself, then leave the props be for a few years.
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    The Question
    Anyone else remember "Pound Puppies?" Where would I find some of them now days? I would like to buy a little piece of my childhood back. ;) Thanks!

    The Answer
    Your best bet, straight up, is simply going to e-bay.

    For better or worse, a lot of 80s kids feel like you do! So some of the pound puppies are totally reasonably priced and some... are really, crazy expensive. Shop around. This is one of those cases where online is your best option - and really your only option. You could waste ages looking in thrift stores and never seeing one, and if you find one in a local vintage or consignment shop, it's likely to be marked way up. Just roll the ebay dice. That is where you are most likely to win.
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    The Question
    This guy I know doesn't believe in fate or destiny. HE thinks that it's unlikely that he will find the perfect girl for him. I believe the opposite. I think that everything happens for a reason and that everyone gets a chance to find the love of their life. I don't know if its me that's too optimistic or him that's too pessimistic. Am I just being stupid and childish for thinking this way? If not how do I convince him otherwise?

    The Answer
    You can't really convince someone of a spiritual belief they think is nonsense.

    Believing what you believe isn't necessarily stupid, but it is entirely unsupportably by an actual evidence. So there is nothing to offer him to convince him it's true. It truly is a matter of opinion.

    Here's the thing that might help though:
    Recognize that in some ways, his approach is even more amazing and romantic than yours is. He is going to choose the person he loves freely. Not because she is perfect, not because fate and or destiny means he is compelled too. He is going to look another human being in the eye, totally naked of a belief that he is being compelled or forced, and pick them! Not because he has too, not because they are perfect for him, but because he loves them and wants to build a life with them.

    I'm not trying to convince you he's right, I just want you too see that his belief is just as romantic and beautiful as the myth of the soul mate. Also, I've always enjoyed this song, but it might help you hear the positive side of his approach too.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Zn6gV2sdl38

    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    First of all I'm a 16 year old girl. Ever since I was 10 I've always been the antisocial type who hides away in her room reading or watching tv or whatever. I've always liked celebrities and book characters, but that's only normal right? But recently I've actually been sexually attracted to them. This will sound strange but I masturbate to fanfictions and pictures of my favorite celebrities/characters (The Doctor from Doctor Who is an example of one). And I spend ALOT of time watching the shows that they're in or reading the books they're in. I've always been antisocial, but I've also always had a healthy relationship with my interests until now. This didn't start up until I moved away from all of my friends a few months and started to get lonely, maybe this has something to do with it? What's wrong with me?

    The Answer
    There is nothing wrong with sexual fantasies about fictional characters or celebrities.

    The only time it's a problem, is if those fantasies, any type of fantasy, not just sexual ones, are holding you back or interfering with your happiness in the real world.

    To a degree, fantasy is a healthy way to cope with loneliness. If you feel you've passed that healthy degree, and it's becoming a problem in your life, the best thing to do is probably to speak to a therapist, and keep yourself busy. Take up a craft or hobby that uses your mind and hands, sewing, knitting, painting, cooking. Find a place to volunteer, or to go to camp for the summer. Set yourself a simple, doable schedule of things to do or achieve and stick to it.

    Don't think about this as 'what is wrong with me?'. You are not screwed up, you are just human, and going through some stress and loneliness. All you've really got is a bad habit, and like most bad habits all you have to do is redirect your energy and apply some real will power.

    You might also want to talk to your parents about speaking to a therapist. A move is stressful, and if you are feeling yourself withdrawing more and more into your own mind, that is something a therapist can help you with. They can help you talk about what is happening, and how to best use your energy to combat it and feel better about your life.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    21/f

    I was dating a guy for 4 months and I asked him whether or not if we were exclusive. He finally admitted that he saw us as a fling and that he liked what we had and would rather continue to it even though he did not see a potential relationship in the future. I sent him a long message (for closure for my own benefit), it was everything. Everything that we had difficulty communicating and all of my thoughts, I also told him at the end that I was not willing to be a side until he found what he wanted.

    Since that day, he kept trying to talk to me as if nothing happened. I barely responded to him and I was wondering if he didn't understand the point of it all. Three days ago, he messaged me telling me that he missed me and to "not convince myself that he doesn't care about me." I read it and went to sleep.

    The day after he messaged me at work as if everything was normal and he tried working out the issues with me that I sent in my "closure message." I honestly did not see a point in trying to work things out and he asked me why I always had a wall up when I was with him, and I told him my story and why my wall was up. He told me that he used to feel distant from me because of it. I told him that one day, I hope to see or find someone who's worth putting my wall down for. And he told me that he wanted to stay around regardless of my wall being up, even though it made things difficult at times.

    Today, he told me that he wanted to see me and he asked if I wanted to see him and I got a bit frustrated. I told him that I have told him before that I was not going to be on the side and that I had more respect for myself than that. I told him that I obviously do, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of seeing him. He said he understood and that he'll wait until I ask to see him. I told him that if he was expecting me to act the way I was a few weeks ago, I'm not going to. And that I'll see him after I've completely moved on and that if he was expecting my wall to come down for him, it's not going to because he's messed up his chance. And he told me, "okay, I care for you." And sent me a kissy face.

    I'm so confused. I thought I clarified it to him already. What is he doing?

    The Answer
    If you don't want to be his friend, or have any more contact with him, tell him that.

    He's being nice, honest and respectful.

    He honestly liked the relationship you had, so he's leaving the door open for that. He honestly cares about you, despite the fact you are horrible at communicating honestly with him. Once agian, I have to say that there is no reading between the lines to do here. What he is doing is consistent with what he said he felt and wanted.

    Once again, you are the one that is confusing things. If you want to be his friend, then stop with the drawn out talks about your feelings (those are for people you want a deeper bond with, not for people you want to stop talking to you) and just be friends. If you don't want to be friends, then tell him so and do ask him to stop contacting you. From everything you've said here, he will probably will honour your wishes.

    Stop obsessing over what he might think or want. He has given you EVERY reason to believe that he has been honest with you about his feelings and wants. If what you want is to be left alone, tell him so. Don't expect him to figure that out when you keep having p epic long talks about closure and walls or saying you don't want to hang out. Those conversations are ways to keep this relationship open. If you want to close it, you have to walk the walk, and actually do that. You have to ask for exactly what you want, and then act in accordance with what you want.
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    The Question
    I have a huge question I'm a married man and I wanna know something is possibille to have sex in the ass then to go strait to the vagina without a girl getting any type of infection and how can I do this without her getting infection?

    The Answer
    This can't be done without risking infection.

    Switching a finger, toy or penis from anus to vagina without washing (or changing the condom) can lead to serious and uncomfortable vaginal infections. It is entirely unfair to ask your partner to risk that.

    It's not wise or respectful. You can't expect your partner to perform like a porn star. There are many things going on (both physical prep and hygiene) that are edited out of anal porn.

    Talk to your partner, and do your research, but don't set unrealistic expectations for either of your bodies.

    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I'm wondering what is wrong with a certain person: mentally, (obviously); or, psychologically, as a psych-professional would call it... . This guy's name is Gerald, and he's either got an attitude problem, or; something is definitely wrong with him, mentally: he's nice one minute: laughing & joking with everyone and, then goes evil the next, and he's all angry - as I can tell by looking at his facial expression. What's wrong with him?

    The Answer
    You can call it being moody, or being a jerk, or just being temperamental.

    If there is an underlying mental health issue, that is none of business unless he chooses to share that with you.

    Your observations are not nearly enough to base any sort of diagnosis on. Also, what you've described doesn't fit the bill of bi-polar at all.

    We are not doctors, and I doubt you are either, so we have no business trying to diagnose his mental state. It's actually very, very rude and irresponsible to assign labels like that to people. Throwing out labels, when you aren't a doctor and that person is not your patient, is just a nasty kind of name-calling.

    If you don't like someone, don't hangout with them.
    If you don't feel safe around someone, definitely don't hang out with them.
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    The Question
    Why would a company state a salary range if they don't intend to pay in the upper end of that range? I interviewed for a job recently. The stated salary range was $65k - $75k. They offered me $68k, which is only $1k above my current salary. I turned down the offer, but the HR Manager called and said they really liked me, and wanted to know what it would take to get me to come on board. I told her $72k. An hour later, I was told they were going to pursue other candidates. They didn't bother to make a counter offer.

    The Answer
    All you can know for sure is that they weren't going to pay you in that range.

    There could be dozens of reasons - some of the reasons might have nothing to do with you - but the most likely one was that they posted the range that that position is paid, with no intention of offering a new employee anything but the low range, and reserving the higher range for those who have been in the position for some time.
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    The Question
    A few months ago I started to talk to a guy online and we were talking about having a relationship. About a month ago I abruptly stopped talking to him because I was slightly suspicious if he was legit. A week later, I was alone at my house when a man rang my doorbell and when no one answered, started to look in the windows. He didn't have a car with him. Yesterday, a car stopped in front of my house for at least two minutes. I don't know if I should report this because I'm a teen and I'm pretty scared.

    The Answer
    You should talk to your parents, or another trusted adults, about your anxiety and why this guy concerns you.

    Although I normally tell people to go to the police with whatever they have, you really don't have anything like enough. It doesn't sound like he ever expressed that he would stalk you or show up and you don't even know if either incident was him, and there a millions innocent reasons for someone to have ran your doorbell and left, or to have parked on the street by your home for a minute or two.

    Even though it's unlikely you are being stalked, talk to an adult about your fear. There is no reason you should have to live with the fear alone - even if it is utterly baseless.
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    The Question
    M/15

    If the fallowing offends you I dont care.

    About a year ago I came out to my parents that I was an Atheist. Well they are young earth creationists(which means they take everything in the bible literaly.) so they did not take to kindly to it. They made fun of me for not beliveing in there god and the fact that they are so positive that I'll regret it when I find out I'll be wrong. Well I shook it off I'm very strong with my belifs and at another time after I let things cool down I asked them if it was necisary that I go to church. The gave me no other reasoning other than yes because thats what our family dose. So ive put up with it for along time and I don't think I can any more. All I do at their church is sit there and stare off into space. Its truly a waste of time for me. I know the religion is not for me ive read the whole bible 4 times. More than most believers and I cannot stand for what they belive in. Dose any one know any reason
    that my parents would be like this and only give me such a bland reason for making me go?

    The Answer
    Unfortunately, when you are a minor in your parents home, they don't really need a 'good' reason to make you show up and sit still for an hour or two on a Sunday. As long as the reason is not obviously or objectively abusive, you don't have much recourse.

    I'm an atheist, and I go to church with my family when asked. They all know I don't believe. I'm not even the only athiest member of the family that goes. There is no expectation we'll participate in any way, more than just being there. It IS a part of being a member of the family. It's important to them - it might be important to them for a bunch of reason I think are really silly, including pride - but nevertheless it is important to them.

    Maybe, when you are an adult like me you won't want to do that, and you'll be in a much better position to put a stop it that kind of compromise, but as a young person, you've got little option but to find a way a to cope, and entertain yourself at church. If you can maintain a truce by attending church, do that and ride it out until you can move out. That truce is very valueable - it'll help keep the peace for the rest of your life.
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    The Question
    Ok, so I am I definitely pregnant, been checked at doctor, and I'm 13. My parents and I are trying to consider what would be best and right now we are considering an abortion. Just wondering, what's it like? Is it emotional? Sad? Painful? Thanks for any help

    Xxx

    The Answer
    The experience of an abortion is entirely personal. Some women are very sad, no matter what their reasons for choosing abortion are. Many women are comfortable with their choice - they might not be happy about the situation - but they don't experience any depression or long-term suffering. I can't tell you how you will feel about having an abortion, but I can tell you that many, many women have abortions, almost 1 in 3 will have one in their lives, and the majority of those women go one and have families and live their lives happily. No one wants to have abortion, but most women who are surveyed after the fact believe they made the right choice.

    There are different ways an abortion can be done. It depends on how far along you are, and what treatments are available and legal where you live. Most of them are physically uncomfortable, but not really painful. When an abortion is done by a properly trained medical practitioner, there is nearly zero risk of any complications or damage to your body in the long term. It's a very, very safe procedure.

    If you have questions about what kind of abortion procedure it best for you, and what will happen if you choose abortion, you should talk to someone who works at a clinic. Many abortion clinics, or sexual health clinics (Like Planned Parenthood) will have someone who can talk to you knowledgeably about the facts.
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    The Question
    21/f, 27/m

    This is slightly long, brace yourself.

    I have been dating this guy for three months now. I hated the fact that I didn't know what to say when my friends asked me if we were together. I knew we were to talk about it at some point so I decided to bring up whether or not we were exclusive. We had this talk before but we didn't conclude to anything.

    I've noticed that we used to go out and stuff together and now for some reason we end up in the bedroom. I realized that he stopped saying that he liked me and he wasn't as affectionate as he was before. He started talking to me more but I wasn't sure what to read into it.

    This time I asked whether or not if he wanted to be exclusive with me. And he asked the question right back. I told him I knew what I wanted and I wanted that I wanted to know what we were. He asked what made me ask him his question, I responded that it was in the back of my mind for awhile. He said if I wanted to be exclusive, then he's on board. Which was contradicting because he then told me that I was not in the right state to be in a relationship with him right now. I got a little frustrated and asked him if he was talking about himself because he can't tell me what state I'm in. He said he may be projecting his feelings but he doesn't think that there's anything restraining himself from being in a relationship. I told him that I think he needs to figure out what he wanted because I was with someone for who didn't know what he wanted and it turns out that he was an imbecile and I wasn't going to wait another two years for him to figure out what he wanted. He then told me he didn't think that we should be in a full-blown relationship right now.

    I told him that I wasn't trying to force a relationship and that I just wanted to know whether or not if I was wasting my time. He asked me, "what do you consider wasting your time?" ... I didn't know how to answer that. I thought it was obvious especially with what we were talking about.

    Eventually, he got mad because he said that I was expecting him to know what I was thinking and told me to grow up and to talk to him when I was willing to communicate. I got angry and I felt done with that conversation because he said that. I wanted to know what we were and to clarify things and in the end I felt insulted so I told him, "bye". He then sent me a long message saying that he was trying to communicate with me and he doesn't know what I want and that I was being complicated.

    I told him that I wasn't being a child and I wasn't being complicated. I was trying to be as straight forward as I can and for some reason I end up being questioned back. I told him,

    "I asked you if you wanted to be exclusive with me. You asked me the question right back. Then you say that I'm not in the right state to be in a relationship with you. Then you change the subject just because I didn't get to answer your previous messages. I asked if I was wasting my time with you, you then asked me to tell you my definition of "wasting time" means. It'd be easier if I could get an answer on something. We're going in circles. I've served myself on a silver platter but it seems like you refuse to see what's in front of you. That's why it doesn't seem like you know what you want. I'm not forcing anything. I wanted to know what we were and if I was wasting my time."

    He responded, "I hope I've made it clear that I don't believe it's a good idea for us at the moment. We're not in a relationship. I consider this more of a fling right now. I've enjoyed your company. You're planning on moving away soon (I'm moving only a few minutes away). Is it a waste of time? I like you. I don't feel the same kind of connection with you that I did with my previous girlfriends. Again, is it a waste of time?"

    I said, "I'm starting to think it is now. I want a relationship later but you see me as a fling and the fact that you don't seem to have a connection with me either, doesn't sound too good."

    He responded, "it isn't the same kind. I didn't say it was bad. I want a relationship, too, when the circumstances and chemistry are right for it. I don't think they are for us right now, and it seems that you'll be moving away soon, so it's hard to bet on the circumstances being right in the future. all that said, I'm happy with what we have now. I appreciate you and don't consider you a waste of my time."

    I didn't know what to say to that, so I told him. He just responded with "okay." He messaged me later on at night asking if I was okay. I decided not to answer because I felt like he should be well aware that I was not doing well.

    I'm honestly a little bit disappointed and upset. There were so many questions I have. I find it silghtly fishy as if there's something else there but I'm not sure.

    My questions:

    1) What do you think I should do at this point? Wait it out? Or drop him?

    2) What does he mean by "connection with me is not like his previous girlfriends"? Is he indirectly telling me that I'm not girlfriend material?

    3) I would like it very much if he was straight forward with me, if there's any hidden messages or interpretations you may think of, please let me know.

    Thank you.

    The Answer
    You need to handle your shit. Seriously. Your behaviour is AT LEAST as big a part of this problem as his was.

    He asked you if you wanted to be exclusive.
    You said you knew the answer to that question, but weren't going to tell him. That is withholding. It was a fair question and you had the answer. Not telling him was mean and part of game-playing with him.

    He said sure, let's try and be exclusive.
    You said, basically, that that wasn't good enough. You threw previous comments back in his face, and accused him of not meaning what he said. It was disrespectful not to believe what he says, and attack him when he very obviously was trying to give you the answer he thought you might want to let the relationship go forward in a way you'd be more comfortable with.

    He asked what you meant by wasting your time.
    And you got angry that he couldn't read your mind, and realize that what you meant what that you wanted an exclusive relationship. Remember: You had refused to answer a previous question about whether or not you wanted an exclusive relationship and then insulted him when he said he was willing to give an exclusive relationship a try. He had every reason to be confused at this point.

    He said "I like what we have" and instead of telling him why 'what you have' isn't working for you - and asking for what you do want - you got upset that he was happy with the state of your relationship right now!

    The only thing that is slightly fishy here is you, and how unable you seem to be in this question - and in others - to see how unfair to you are being to him. You are withholding information about your feelings that he needs in order to make decisions, you are disrespectful when he tells you what he wants or is thinking, and you play games trying to make conversations turn out the way you want, rather than really listening to what is being said and communicating with him.

    Maybe he's an asshole too, but frankly, from the way you've described this conversation (and remember, we usually describe things in a way that makes ourselves look best) this guy sounds like he has a patience of a saint. I wouldn't stick it out with someone for three months if they were treating me the way you are treating him.

    It your words that are laced with hidden messages. It's him whose stuck trying to read through the lines. It's you who is refusing, over and over again, to be straight forward with him.

    Maybe he's an asshole too. It's hard to tell, but you should dump him, and go work on you, because this kind of withholding girls can get away with they are in their teens, but if you are going to date fellow adults now, you need to cut this shit out. Guys will walk away from you unless you stop putting on a show of being honest and straightforward, and actually do it.
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    The Question
    * This isn't my first time asking about the same exact relationship* but here it goes:

    I'm female, 30. I have been dating a guy (31) for a month now, we've hung out four consecutive weeks. I've spent the night last week, and again this weekend...we get along very well and enjoy each other's company.

    I spent the night, and he asked what my plans are for the day--I didn't have any so I let him know that I'd maybe catch up with some reading. He said he's got errands to run and has plans w/ friends. First mistake: I think I sounded like it don't have a life by having no plans on a Saturday. Anyway, last night I told him I'm going to a weekly meditation group in his neighborhood tomorrow- he knows about it and asked before so I thought I'd invite him to join. I told him again before I said bye to leave his place--I also said the time and that I will text him details. He said he might be busy with work stuff but can maybe come.

    So now I am thinking that since I spent last night and part of the morning with him, my inviting him to join tomorrow was overkill and maybe came across as being overeager. My questions are (would love to hear from the guys on this):

    A) Did I seen overeager, etc.?
    B) if so, what can I do now to slow things down and keep him interested?
    C) or...is this basically a signal that he is "busy" or aka, overwhelmed and wants to back out and not see me again?

    The Answer
    This really isn't a healthy way to handle relationships. You need to calm down. Maybe talk to a therapist about your anxiety, 'cause this over-thinking is going to poison your relationship with any man eventually. You need to sort your shit out.

    All the advice you've received before STILL applies.
    Nothing has changed.

    Believe what he says. You can't build a healthy relationship if you don't tell the truth (which you did) and accept what he says as the truth.

    For fucks sake do NOT play games or 'hard to get'. You are not a teenager, you are a grown-ass woman who can ask for what she wants when she wants it, and can expect grown-ass men to do the same. You decided you'd enjoy his company at a class he'd expressed an interest in - so you invited him - like any sane person would. Assume he is also a sane person, who may genuinely be busy with work.

    Stop assuming he's a fragile crazy person and that any little thing you might do will chase him away. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't want to be with you! It'll suck, and hurt, but it happens and it's important to be honest about it when it does. So just tell him the truth, and believe what he tells you, without agonizing over it for days.

    A guy who leaves because you where honest about enjoying his company isn't 'chased' - he was just not a good fit for you - but your anxiety will chase away nearly any guy, eventually. So find a way to address that problem in yourself, before it becomes a problem in your relationship.
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    The Question
    15f/
    Okay sorry this is gonna be kinda long but i need help. Before you judge and say "you're too young" and so fourth know that i'm very mature for my age. I'm friends with alot of "older" kids. like 17+, i was at a party i got extremely high, and wasted but i was taken upstairs by this 18 year old but we've been friends for a while so it wasnt random but yes we "hooked up." and eveyone knows which isnt a big deal to me because im not a slut, i dont hook up with people all the time. anyway, it didnt feel like just a hookup, it felt real. we talked about it after (while sober) and he said i wasnt just another hookup, and that he actually cared. i'm convinced because all his friends say he talks about me all the time. we've been spending alot of time together, problem is...i dont know if its what i want. im still a sophomore in high school and hes graduated in college. (my parents dont know this is going on.) we cant do anything outside of his house, unless its out of town. but everything else feels right. i just dont think its good for me. help?

    The Answer
    Trust your gut.

    This really isn't about how mature you are. You could be perfect. You could be the most brilliant, lovely fabulous creature in existence. It would still be very concerning for a 18 year old to look at you and see a viable romantic partner. It's not your maturity I question - it's his. At 18 he should be looking for - and ready for - a different kind of relationship than you are at 15, and he should be aware of that about himself.

    It's also a bit concerning that the moment he chose to make a move was a moment when you utterly unable to think clearly. A guy who thinks the right time to approach a girl he likes is when she is high and wasted - that's a bit concerning as well. Regardless of whether you choose to drink or smoke, people who initiate sexual activity with you when you are in that altered state are people to be wary of. You know - and they know - that you aren't making clear choices.

    Even putting all that aside for a moment - a relationship that must be kept secret can never really be a relationship. There are important parts of being together, in a couple, that can only happen when you are honest with everyone in your lives about your romance. If you can't have that kind of honesty with this guy, then you can't build a healthy relationship together.

    So if this relationship has be kept secret (either because it's not legal, or because your parents wont approve) then that a good sign isn't not a good situation for either of your, or a situation where a healthy relationship can develop.

    So, trust your gut. You've got some valid reasons to feel this isn't a great idea, it might be time to listen to those.
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    The Question
    i am a female and i have a boyfriend. i'm almost 17 and he's 16. we've been together for 5 months now. i went to a guy's house, we did have a short fling, but it's over now and he ended up trying to pressure me into things, i continuously repeated i didn't want to cheat and even ended up crying over it in front of him, but that didn't stop him and he threatened to make me walk home, i was about 40 minutes from my house and had no clue where i was. so i got scared and allowed him to do some things to me..i never kissed him or touched him. then he got rather aggressive at one point and had me pinned against the wall, my back to him and arms behind my back held by his body, pulled my hair back hard and place his hand over my neck. at that point i was frightened if i didn't let him go farther he'd do it anyway and well i got him to agree to keep all clothes on and nothing goes inside of me. well the next day i told my boyfriend, he was quite pissed and yelled at me, telling me how stupid i was and that i cheated..i honestly have no clue what to do because i NEED to make it up to him and at the same time i feel like he should break up with me. also i want him to hold me and tell me it's okay and that i'm safe, yet i don't want to be touched ever again.....what do i do about everything?

    The Answer
    This is sexual assault. It might even met the legal definition of rape. Consent isn't actually consent, when it's only given out of fear, in the face of threats to do worse. You didn't say "Yes" to anything with him, you said "Yes, if you promise not to hurt me even more."

    When you only agree to have sexual contact with someone because they threaten you - that's rape. You didn't cheat, and you don't need to make it up to your boyfriend. You need to tell a trusted adult, like your parents, and then the police, because you were violently victimized by this guy.

    You had EVERY RIGHT to assume that you could be in this guys presence, and not be raped. You were not stupid. You thought he was a decent human being - not a rapist - and he proved that he was completely willing to threaten you, and even rape you.

    Nothing you could ever do, means you deserved to be terrified, threatened, and sexually assaulted. No matter how stupid a choice you might make, it is never your fault when someone else acts like an inhuman monster. What this guy did to you was not okay, not your fault, and almost definitely criminal.

    What your boyfriend said to you was ignorant and hateful. He is 100% in the wrong. He's an immature idiot, and an ass. He should have known better - a lot of guys don't - but he still should have. You didn't cheat. You were assaulted and abused, possibly raped. You don't OWE your boyfriend anything. He OWES you respect, and he failed you completely.

    Tell an adult. You need their support, and to speak to someone about the shame and fear you are experiencing now. You didn't consent to this, if your consent was forced out of you with threats to your safety or threats of further violence. This guy needs to be stopped. You'll be doing him, and every woman he ever encounters in his life, a favour if you clearly label his behaviour for what it was - assault. He needs to learn, and if he can't learn, then he just needs to be punished.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question

    Okay, hi! This is my first time here so please bear with me, and I just need advice. So, I'm a 20-year old girl and in a relationship with this guy I met on a social networking site (sorry, I don't feel like naming which one). We've been together for like 2 months, and we're actually close. Not iterally close as living near each other. We've never seen each other in person, but we do know what we both look like. I've shown him a picture of me, and so has he. And things were going smoothly. Until earlier. We were talking about gaming online together, and then he said it would be better if we could talk while gaming. I said I don't have a mic, because my brother is really anxious about me talking or being in contact that way to other people from different countries. And he asked for another picture, in which I responded I'll send him one randomly one day, because I don't really feel like sending one but decided that I wanna surprise him. But his friends think I'm a dude. Because of those two reasons plus the fact that they think I'm full of crap for making stories to keep him with me. It wasn't long until he too, actually thinks I'm a dude. What should I do? Should I just ditch him? I hate that his friends think I'm full of crap for "making up stories" and that he actually got his mind influenced easily by his friends, ending in him not actually trusting me and ignoring my decision. Should I just forget about us?

    The Answer
    Yeah. You should let this one go.

    You aren't equipped, or willing, to turn this into a real, honest relationship. A few photos and text-based conversations can't create or sustain a relationship.

    If he is already not trusting you, and you are withholding pictures and even voice conversations, your relationship simply can't grow. You have set yourselves on a path towards greater distrust and resentment.

    Long distance relationships can work, but not like this.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    My husband and i have been married 2 1/2 years now and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. Love her to death. Her mother has never been reasonable and lately has made things difficult. Well, firstly she decided to quit her job and live off just her child support and wants to get it increased. Can she legally do this since she willingly quit her job? My husband just got promoted to a manager and got a 10,000$ pay increase I am worried she will try and take all she can so she can remain unemployed. We only have his daughter 8 days a month. It is hard to keep her more since we both work 2-11 jobs. I did work a job that allowed me to have 3 days off and watch her for part of the day by myself while my husband worked and her mother said unless I became her friend and got to know her that she didn't want me alone with her daughter. Which was odd that she would have a problem after so many years. So she took their daughter during the time we would have had her and would not allow us to see her. She is custodial parent but can she legally just take her and not tell us where she is and not allow us to have her? The other day we got a text from a mutual friend saying that her mother was hungover and their daughter was sitting in soiled clothes crying and had been since last night, our friend told us that her mother took her to a party at her boyfriend's house and got too drunk to take care of her and our friend ended up watching her since she was worried. My husband got mad and went over there and picked her up a few hours after getting that message and her mother was awake and their daughter only wearing a shirt and still soiled. We had to take her home like that and clean her up. Today she has been texting us saying we are not working with her and she wants to take it to a lawyer. Do you think we have a chance in a custody battle? My boyfriend does have a mosdemeanor on his record that might make a custody battle hard, should this be a worry? I need general advice on what steps we should take next and how we should approach this from a legal stand point.

    The Answer
    You need legal advice. Legal advice that is specific to your country and your state. We can't offer that here.

    Custody battles are expensive, difficult and often take a long time, but yes, you certainly have a chance. Some people will tell you fathers have no chance in custody battles, but that's really not true. When custody is contested, fathers are slightly less likely overall than mothers to get the custody arrangement they prefer, but family courts are not nearly so hard on fathers as the gossip suggests.

    Whatever your chances, and whatever the expense, it does sound like this little girl is not safe in her mother's care. Forget about the money, and her unemployment for a moment - those are nasty things, and sometimes exes are nasty - but getting too drunk to care for a toddler is not nasty, it's dangerous. That can't be tolerated.

    You might be best to reach out to a support group or charity to give you advice first, if you aren't ready to go a lawyer quite yet, but it sounds like that is the way this might need to head.
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    The Question
    Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(


    The Answer
    You might need to accept, that as much as you feel this is a friendship, he's not treating you like a friend. He's treating you like a vending machine, and acts like if he just keeps on putting quarters in you you'll spit out romantic feelings for him at some point.

    He's ignoring your clear statements about what you want and don't want, and he's ignoring your discomfort with his behaviour.

    What he is doing is not friendly, and not only is he being dishonest and disrespectful to his girlfriend, what he is doing is also bullying. Lots of people say of their bullies "Oh, but sometimes they are really nice!" but that doesn't make it okay when they are really mean.

    Putting up boundaries is hard, and loosing a friend is even harder, but if he can't shut this shit down, he's not really your friend - he's just a guy who thinks if he pushes you hard enough you'll give him what he wants. If he is only being kind to you in the effort to earn a romantic/sexual relationship with you, that's not real kindness. If he can't stop that eventually you are going have to walk away from him. Maybe that is the thing he needs to hear: Let him know that his behaviour is becoming a friendship deal breaker, and if he can't stop, it's going to kill your friendship.

    Unfortunately, a lot of young guys end up doing this sort of manipulation - well the whole time telling themselves they are just being 'nice' or 'romantic' - and thinking they can earn romance from a girl even if she doesn't feel anything like that from them. Most will grow out of it, but not all. When guys are young sometimes the only way to protect yourself from this kind bullying and manipulation and to tell them that this isn't friendly, and to end the friendship completely.

    Friendship takes two people. You can't save this all on your own. He has to genuinely want a friendship with you too. If what he really wants, and keeps trying to get, is more than a friendship, it's just not going to work out no matter how hard you try.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    So I'm a 35 y/o f and I met a younger guy (24) on a dating website. He told me straight out that he was only looking to hook up was not looking for anything serious. I was very attracted to him so I agreed to this. Needless to say me being the emotional person I am, I did develop feelings for him after only a few times getting together. When I told him this (through text bc who talks in person anymore? Lol) he was nice but said we should probably end things. I told him I'd still wanted to see him but it was up to him. His response was "let's take a break" that was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Should I just consider this over? Or should I still cling to that small hope he'll contact me.? I'm so confused....

    The Answer
    It's over.

    You developed feelings, and that wasn't the kind of situation he wanted to be in. So he respectfully, and honestly, backed out.

    He did the right thing.

    Unless you have suddenly changed your mind, and decided that actually you'd be perfectly content just having sex, and not getting emotionally attached to him, then it's over. You two don't want the same things, so you shouldn't be involved.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Ever since I was about six years old I always used to sing in the car. I was not very good at it but it was something that I did. I knew all the lyrics and song titles etc.) Now that I have been driving on my own for 5 yrs I always sing in the car very loudly and I am not any good. When I sing I feel very good. I will NEVER sing around anyone because I know that I am terrible at it. However, in my car I feel safe and no one can judge me so I will jam out to my favorite songs over and over sometimes.

    Could these be manic episodes that I am having for all these years? I am 23. Or could it be ADHD?

    I sing in the house too but only when there is no one around. I dance too sometimes also not very good at that but only in the privacy of my own home.

    Can someone please explain to me if this sounds like a manic episode? I also suffer from panic attacks and I have social anxiety. Any advice would be great.

    K

    The Answer
    Manic episodes - which are a part of a type of bipolar disorder - don't last for the length of car rides. They last several days, weeks, for some people even months.

    Frankly, this sounds more like a self-soothing technique, than mania or ADHD. We all of us find ways to relax and let loose. This isn't even a particularly bizarre one.

    If you are worried, talk to a therapist, but I don't know why you'd be worried by this.
    (View All Other Answers.)



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