Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    Ok, so I am I definitely pregnant, been checked at doctor, and I'm 13. My parents and I are trying to consider what would be best and right now we are considering an abortion. Just wondering, what's it like? Is it emotional? Sad? Painful? Thanks for any help

    Xxx

    The Answer
    The experience of an abortion is entirely personal. Some women are very sad, no matter what their reasons for choosing abortion are. Many women are comfortable with their choice - they might not be happy about the situation - but they don't experience any depression or long-term suffering. I can't tell you how you will feel about having an abortion, but I can tell you that many, many women have abortions, almost 1 in 3 will have one in their lives, and the majority of those women go one and have families and live their lives happily. No one wants to have abortion, but most women who are surveyed after the fact believe they made the right choice.

    There are different ways an abortion can be done. It depends on how far along you are, and what treatments are available and legal where you live. Most of them are physically uncomfortable, but not really painful. When an abortion is done by a properly trained medical practitioner, there is nearly zero risk of any complications or damage to your body in the long term. It's a very, very safe procedure.

    If you have questions about what kind of abortion procedure it best for you, and what will happen if you choose abortion, you should talk to someone who works at a clinic. Many abortion clinics, or sexual health clinics (Like Planned Parenthood) will have someone who can talk to you knowledgeably about the facts.
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    The Question
    21/f, 27/m

    This is slightly long, brace yourself.

    I have been dating this guy for three months now. I hated the fact that I didn't know what to say when my friends asked me if we were together. I knew we were to talk about it at some point so I decided to bring up whether or not we were exclusive. We had this talk before but we didn't conclude to anything.

    I've noticed that we used to go out and stuff together and now for some reason we end up in the bedroom. I realized that he stopped saying that he liked me and he wasn't as affectionate as he was before. He started talking to me more but I wasn't sure what to read into it.

    This time I asked whether or not if he wanted to be exclusive with me. And he asked the question right back. I told him I knew what I wanted and I wanted that I wanted to know what we were. He asked what made me ask him his question, I responded that it was in the back of my mind for awhile. He said if I wanted to be exclusive, then he's on board. Which was contradicting because he then told me that I was not in the right state to be in a relationship with him right now. I got a little frustrated and asked him if he was talking about himself because he can't tell me what state I'm in. He said he may be projecting his feelings but he doesn't think that there's anything restraining himself from being in a relationship. I told him that I think he needs to figure out what he wanted because I was with someone for who didn't know what he wanted and it turns out that he was an imbecile and I wasn't going to wait another two years for him to figure out what he wanted. He then told me he didn't think that we should be in a full-blown relationship right now.

    I told him that I wasn't trying to force a relationship and that I just wanted to know whether or not if I was wasting my time. He asked me, "what do you consider wasting your time?" ... I didn't know how to answer that. I thought it was obvious especially with what we were talking about.

    Eventually, he got mad because he said that I was expecting him to know what I was thinking and told me to grow up and to talk to him when I was willing to communicate. I got angry and I felt done with that conversation because he said that. I wanted to know what we were and to clarify things and in the end I felt insulted so I told him, "bye". He then sent me a long message saying that he was trying to communicate with me and he doesn't know what I want and that I was being complicated.

    I told him that I wasn't being a child and I wasn't being complicated. I was trying to be as straight forward as I can and for some reason I end up being questioned back. I told him,

    "I asked you if you wanted to be exclusive with me. You asked me the question right back. Then you say that I'm not in the right state to be in a relationship with you. Then you change the subject just because I didn't get to answer your previous messages. I asked if I was wasting my time with you, you then asked me to tell you my definition of "wasting time" means. It'd be easier if I could get an answer on something. We're going in circles. I've served myself on a silver platter but it seems like you refuse to see what's in front of you. That's why it doesn't seem like you know what you want. I'm not forcing anything. I wanted to know what we were and if I was wasting my time."

    He responded, "I hope I've made it clear that I don't believe it's a good idea for us at the moment. We're not in a relationship. I consider this more of a fling right now. I've enjoyed your company. You're planning on moving away soon (I'm moving only a few minutes away). Is it a waste of time? I like you. I don't feel the same kind of connection with you that I did with my previous girlfriends. Again, is it a waste of time?"

    I said, "I'm starting to think it is now. I want a relationship later but you see me as a fling and the fact that you don't seem to have a connection with me either, doesn't sound too good."

    He responded, "it isn't the same kind. I didn't say it was bad. I want a relationship, too, when the circumstances and chemistry are right for it. I don't think they are for us right now, and it seems that you'll be moving away soon, so it's hard to bet on the circumstances being right in the future. all that said, I'm happy with what we have now. I appreciate you and don't consider you a waste of my time."

    I didn't know what to say to that, so I told him. He just responded with "okay." He messaged me later on at night asking if I was okay. I decided not to answer because I felt like he should be well aware that I was not doing well.

    I'm honestly a little bit disappointed and upset. There were so many questions I have. I find it silghtly fishy as if there's something else there but I'm not sure.

    My questions:

    1) What do you think I should do at this point? Wait it out? Or drop him?

    2) What does he mean by "connection with me is not like his previous girlfriends"? Is he indirectly telling me that I'm not girlfriend material?

    3) I would like it very much if he was straight forward with me, if there's any hidden messages or interpretations you may think of, please let me know.

    Thank you.

    The Answer
    You need to handle your shit. Seriously. Your behaviour is AT LEAST as big a part of this problem as his was.

    He asked you if you wanted to be exclusive.
    You said you knew the answer to that question, but weren't going to tell him. That is withholding. It was a fair question and you had the answer. Not telling him was mean and part of game-playing with him.

    He said sure, let's try and be exclusive.
    You said, basically, that that wasn't good enough. You threw previous comments back in his face, and accused him of not meaning what he said. It was disrespectful not to believe what he says, and attack him when he very obviously was trying to give you the answer he thought you might want to let the relationship go forward in a way you'd be more comfortable with.

    He asked what you meant by wasting your time.
    And you got angry that he couldn't read your mind, and realize that what you meant what that you wanted an exclusive relationship. Remember: You had refused to answer a previous question about whether or not you wanted an exclusive relationship and then insulted him when he said he was willing to give an exclusive relationship a try. He had every reason to be confused at this point.

    He said "I like what we have" and instead of telling him why 'what you have' isn't working for you - and asking for what you do want - you got upset that he was happy with the state of your relationship right now!

    The only thing that is slightly fishy here is you, and how unable you seem to be in this question - and in others - to see how unfair to you are being to him. You are withholding information about your feelings that he needs in order to make decisions, you are disrespectful when he tells you what he wants or is thinking, and you play games trying to make conversations turn out the way you want, rather than really listening to what is being said and communicating with him.

    Maybe he's an asshole too, but frankly, from the way you've described this conversation (and remember, we usually describe things in a way that makes ourselves look best) this guy sounds like he has a patience of a saint. I wouldn't stick it out with someone for three months if they were treating me the way you are treating him.

    It your words that are laced with hidden messages. It's him whose stuck trying to read through the lines. It's you who is refusing, over and over again, to be straight forward with him.

    Maybe he's an asshole too. It's hard to tell, but you should dump him, and go work on you, because this kind of withholding girls can get away with they are in their teens, but if you are going to date fellow adults now, you need to cut this shit out. Guys will walk away from you unless you stop putting on a show of being honest and straightforward, and actually do it.
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    The Question
    * This isn't my first time asking about the same exact relationship* but here it goes:

    I'm female, 30. I have been dating a guy (31) for a month now, we've hung out four consecutive weeks. I've spent the night last week, and again this weekend...we get along very well and enjoy each other's company.

    I spent the night, and he asked what my plans are for the day--I didn't have any so I let him know that I'd maybe catch up with some reading. He said he's got errands to run and has plans w/ friends. First mistake: I think I sounded like it don't have a life by having no plans on a Saturday. Anyway, last night I told him I'm going to a weekly meditation group in his neighborhood tomorrow- he knows about it and asked before so I thought I'd invite him to join. I told him again before I said bye to leave his place--I also said the time and that I will text him details. He said he might be busy with work stuff but can maybe come.

    So now I am thinking that since I spent last night and part of the morning with him, my inviting him to join tomorrow was overkill and maybe came across as being overeager. My questions are (would love to hear from the guys on this):

    A) Did I seen overeager, etc.?
    B) if so, what can I do now to slow things down and keep him interested?
    C) or...is this basically a signal that he is "busy" or aka, overwhelmed and wants to back out and not see me again?

    The Answer
    This really isn't a healthy way to handle relationships. You need to calm down. Maybe talk to a therapist about your anxiety, 'cause this over-thinking is going to poison your relationship with any man eventually. You need to sort your shit out.

    All the advice you've received before STILL applies.
    Nothing has changed.

    Believe what he says. You can't build a healthy relationship if you don't tell the truth (which you did) and accept what he says as the truth.

    For fucks sake do NOT play games or 'hard to get'. You are not a teenager, you are a grown-ass woman who can ask for what she wants when she wants it, and can expect grown-ass men to do the same. You decided you'd enjoy his company at a class he'd expressed an interest in - so you invited him - like any sane person would. Assume he is also a sane person, who may genuinely be busy with work.

    Stop assuming he's a fragile crazy person and that any little thing you might do will chase him away. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't want to be with you! It'll suck, and hurt, but it happens and it's important to be honest about it when it does. So just tell him the truth, and believe what he tells you, without agonizing over it for days.

    A guy who leaves because you where honest about enjoying his company isn't 'chased' - he was just not a good fit for you - but your anxiety will chase away nearly any guy, eventually. So find a way to address that problem in yourself, before it becomes a problem in your relationship.
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    The Question
    15f/
    Okay sorry this is gonna be kinda long but i need help. Before you judge and say "you're too young" and so fourth know that i'm very mature for my age. I'm friends with alot of "older" kids. like 17+, i was at a party i got extremely high, and wasted but i was taken upstairs by this 18 year old but we've been friends for a while so it wasnt random but yes we "hooked up." and eveyone knows which isnt a big deal to me because im not a slut, i dont hook up with people all the time. anyway, it didnt feel like just a hookup, it felt real. we talked about it after (while sober) and he said i wasnt just another hookup, and that he actually cared. i'm convinced because all his friends say he talks about me all the time. we've been spending alot of time together, problem is...i dont know if its what i want. im still a sophomore in high school and hes graduated in college. (my parents dont know this is going on.) we cant do anything outside of his house, unless its out of town. but everything else feels right. i just dont think its good for me. help?

    The Answer
    Trust your gut.

    This really isn't about how mature you are. You could be perfect. You could be the most brilliant, lovely fabulous creature in existence. It would still be very concerning for a 18 year old to look at you and see a viable romantic partner. It's not your maturity I question - it's his. At 18 he should be looking for - and ready for - a different kind of relationship than you are at 15, and he should be aware of that about himself.

    It's also a bit concerning that the moment he chose to make a move was a moment when you utterly unable to think clearly. A guy who thinks the right time to approach a girl he likes is when she is high and wasted - that's a bit concerning as well. Regardless of whether you choose to drink or smoke, people who initiate sexual activity with you when you are in that altered state are people to be wary of. You know - and they know - that you aren't making clear choices.

    Even putting all that aside for a moment - a relationship that must be kept secret can never really be a relationship. There are important parts of being together, in a couple, that can only happen when you are honest with everyone in your lives about your romance. If you can't have that kind of honesty with this guy, then you can't build a healthy relationship together.

    So if this relationship has be kept secret (either because it's not legal, or because your parents wont approve) then that a good sign isn't not a good situation for either of your, or a situation where a healthy relationship can develop.

    So, trust your gut. You've got some valid reasons to feel this isn't a great idea, it might be time to listen to those.
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    The Question
    i am a female and i have a boyfriend. i'm almost 17 and he's 16. we've been together for 5 months now. i went to a guy's house, we did have a short fling, but it's over now and he ended up trying to pressure me into things, i continuously repeated i didn't want to cheat and even ended up crying over it in front of him, but that didn't stop him and he threatened to make me walk home, i was about 40 minutes from my house and had no clue where i was. so i got scared and allowed him to do some things to me..i never kissed him or touched him. then he got rather aggressive at one point and had me pinned against the wall, my back to him and arms behind my back held by his body, pulled my hair back hard and place his hand over my neck. at that point i was frightened if i didn't let him go farther he'd do it anyway and well i got him to agree to keep all clothes on and nothing goes inside of me. well the next day i told my boyfriend, he was quite pissed and yelled at me, telling me how stupid i was and that i cheated..i honestly have no clue what to do because i NEED to make it up to him and at the same time i feel like he should break up with me. also i want him to hold me and tell me it's okay and that i'm safe, yet i don't want to be touched ever again.....what do i do about everything?

    The Answer
    This is sexual assault. It might even met the legal definition of rape. Consent isn't actually consent, when it's only given out of fear, in the face of threats to do worse. You didn't say "Yes" to anything with him, you said "Yes, if you promise not to hurt me even more."

    When you only agree to have sexual contact with someone because they threaten you - that's rape. You didn't cheat, and you don't need to make it up to your boyfriend. You need to tell a trusted adult, like your parents, and then the police, because you were violently victimized by this guy.

    You had EVERY RIGHT to assume that you could be in this guys presence, and not be raped. You were not stupid. You thought he was a decent human being - not a rapist - and he proved that he was completely willing to threaten you, and even rape you.

    Nothing you could ever do, means you deserved to be terrified, threatened, and sexually assaulted. No matter how stupid a choice you might make, it is never your fault when someone else acts like an inhuman monster. What this guy did to you was not okay, not your fault, and almost definitely criminal.

    What your boyfriend said to you was ignorant and hateful. He is 100% in the wrong. He's an immature idiot, and an ass. He should have known better - a lot of guys don't - but he still should have. You didn't cheat. You were assaulted and abused, possibly raped. You don't OWE your boyfriend anything. He OWES you respect, and he failed you completely.

    Tell an adult. You need their support, and to speak to someone about the shame and fear you are experiencing now. You didn't consent to this, if your consent was forced out of you with threats to your safety or threats of further violence. This guy needs to be stopped. You'll be doing him, and every woman he ever encounters in his life, a favour if you clearly label his behaviour for what it was - assault. He needs to learn, and if he can't learn, then he just needs to be punished.
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    The Question

    Okay, hi! This is my first time here so please bear with me, and I just need advice. So, I'm a 20-year old girl and in a relationship with this guy I met on a social networking site (sorry, I don't feel like naming which one). We've been together for like 2 months, and we're actually close. Not iterally close as living near each other. We've never seen each other in person, but we do know what we both look like. I've shown him a picture of me, and so has he. And things were going smoothly. Until earlier. We were talking about gaming online together, and then he said it would be better if we could talk while gaming. I said I don't have a mic, because my brother is really anxious about me talking or being in contact that way to other people from different countries. And he asked for another picture, in which I responded I'll send him one randomly one day, because I don't really feel like sending one but decided that I wanna surprise him. But his friends think I'm a dude. Because of those two reasons plus the fact that they think I'm full of crap for making stories to keep him with me. It wasn't long until he too, actually thinks I'm a dude. What should I do? Should I just ditch him? I hate that his friends think I'm full of crap for "making up stories" and that he actually got his mind influenced easily by his friends, ending in him not actually trusting me and ignoring my decision. Should I just forget about us?

    The Answer
    Yeah. You should let this one go.

    You aren't equipped, or willing, to turn this into a real, honest relationship. A few photos and text-based conversations can't create or sustain a relationship.

    If he is already not trusting you, and you are withholding pictures and even voice conversations, your relationship simply can't grow. You have set yourselves on a path towards greater distrust and resentment.

    Long distance relationships can work, but not like this.
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    The Question
    My husband and i have been married 2 1/2 years now and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. Love her to death. Her mother has never been reasonable and lately has made things difficult. Well, firstly she decided to quit her job and live off just her child support and wants to get it increased. Can she legally do this since she willingly quit her job? My husband just got promoted to a manager and got a 10,000$ pay increase I am worried she will try and take all she can so she can remain unemployed. We only have his daughter 8 days a month. It is hard to keep her more since we both work 2-11 jobs. I did work a job that allowed me to have 3 days off and watch her for part of the day by myself while my husband worked and her mother said unless I became her friend and got to know her that she didn't want me alone with her daughter. Which was odd that she would have a problem after so many years. So she took their daughter during the time we would have had her and would not allow us to see her. She is custodial parent but can she legally just take her and not tell us where she is and not allow us to have her? The other day we got a text from a mutual friend saying that her mother was hungover and their daughter was sitting in soiled clothes crying and had been since last night, our friend told us that her mother took her to a party at her boyfriend's house and got too drunk to take care of her and our friend ended up watching her since she was worried. My husband got mad and went over there and picked her up a few hours after getting that message and her mother was awake and their daughter only wearing a shirt and still soiled. We had to take her home like that and clean her up. Today she has been texting us saying we are not working with her and she wants to take it to a lawyer. Do you think we have a chance in a custody battle? My boyfriend does have a mosdemeanor on his record that might make a custody battle hard, should this be a worry? I need general advice on what steps we should take next and how we should approach this from a legal stand point.

    The Answer
    You need legal advice. Legal advice that is specific to your country and your state. We can't offer that here.

    Custody battles are expensive, difficult and often take a long time, but yes, you certainly have a chance. Some people will tell you fathers have no chance in custody battles, but that's really not true. When custody is contested, fathers are slightly less likely overall than mothers to get the custody arrangement they prefer, but family courts are not nearly so hard on fathers as the gossip suggests.

    Whatever your chances, and whatever the expense, it does sound like this little girl is not safe in her mother's care. Forget about the money, and her unemployment for a moment - those are nasty things, and sometimes exes are nasty - but getting too drunk to care for a toddler is not nasty, it's dangerous. That can't be tolerated.

    You might be best to reach out to a support group or charity to give you advice first, if you aren't ready to go a lawyer quite yet, but it sounds like that is the way this might need to head.
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    The Question
    Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(


    The Answer
    You might need to accept, that as much as you feel this is a friendship, he's not treating you like a friend. He's treating you like a vending machine, and acts like if he just keeps on putting quarters in you you'll spit out romantic feelings for him at some point.

    He's ignoring your clear statements about what you want and don't want, and he's ignoring your discomfort with his behaviour.

    What he is doing is not friendly, and not only is he being dishonest and disrespectful to his girlfriend, what he is doing is also bullying. Lots of people say of their bullies "Oh, but sometimes they are really nice!" but that doesn't make it okay when they are really mean.

    Putting up boundaries is hard, and loosing a friend is even harder, but if he can't shut this shit down, he's not really your friend - he's just a guy who thinks if he pushes you hard enough you'll give him what he wants. If he is only being kind to you in the effort to earn a romantic/sexual relationship with you, that's not real kindness. If he can't stop that eventually you are going have to walk away from him. Maybe that is the thing he needs to hear: Let him know that his behaviour is becoming a friendship deal breaker, and if he can't stop, it's going to kill your friendship.

    Unfortunately, a lot of young guys end up doing this sort of manipulation - well the whole time telling themselves they are just being 'nice' or 'romantic' - and thinking they can earn romance from a girl even if she doesn't feel anything like that from them. Most will grow out of it, but not all. When guys are young sometimes the only way to protect yourself from this kind bullying and manipulation and to tell them that this isn't friendly, and to end the friendship completely.

    Friendship takes two people. You can't save this all on your own. He has to genuinely want a friendship with you too. If what he really wants, and keeps trying to get, is more than a friendship, it's just not going to work out no matter how hard you try.
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    The Question
    So I'm a 35 y/o f and I met a younger guy (24) on a dating website. He told me straight out that he was only looking to hook up was not looking for anything serious. I was very attracted to him so I agreed to this. Needless to say me being the emotional person I am, I did develop feelings for him after only a few times getting together. When I told him this (through text bc who talks in person anymore? Lol) he was nice but said we should probably end things. I told him I'd still wanted to see him but it was up to him. His response was "let's take a break" that was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Should I just consider this over? Or should I still cling to that small hope he'll contact me.? I'm so confused....

    The Answer
    It's over.

    You developed feelings, and that wasn't the kind of situation he wanted to be in. So he respectfully, and honestly, backed out.

    He did the right thing.

    Unless you have suddenly changed your mind, and decided that actually you'd be perfectly content just having sex, and not getting emotionally attached to him, then it's over. You two don't want the same things, so you shouldn't be involved.
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    The Question
    Ever since I was about six years old I always used to sing in the car. I was not very good at it but it was something that I did. I knew all the lyrics and song titles etc.) Now that I have been driving on my own for 5 yrs I always sing in the car very loudly and I am not any good. When I sing I feel very good. I will NEVER sing around anyone because I know that I am terrible at it. However, in my car I feel safe and no one can judge me so I will jam out to my favorite songs over and over sometimes.

    Could these be manic episodes that I am having for all these years? I am 23. Or could it be ADHD?

    I sing in the house too but only when there is no one around. I dance too sometimes also not very good at that but only in the privacy of my own home.

    Can someone please explain to me if this sounds like a manic episode? I also suffer from panic attacks and I have social anxiety. Any advice would be great.

    K

    The Answer
    Manic episodes - which are a part of a type of bipolar disorder - don't last for the length of car rides. They last several days, weeks, for some people even months.

    Frankly, this sounds more like a self-soothing technique, than mania or ADHD. We all of us find ways to relax and let loose. This isn't even a particularly bizarre one.

    If you are worried, talk to a therapist, but I don't know why you'd be worried by this.
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    The Question
    He went to take a picture of a total stranger...who objected. I advised. perhaps he needed to see if they objected first then proceed. He took the picture and responded to her ."I guess this will be between us...instead of apologizing. When I tried to suggest what might have happened or how to prevent this in the future...he ended up calling me a f...ing b.....not once but several times...He then believed the tires on the vehicle were going to be slashed so he ran to the vehicle. This dove tails into my repeated requests...not to be hit with a drumstick or be called a whore which he laughs He has had no job in years...contributes what he wants... He went off on my daughter last weekend...with a similar attack. I am tired of the disrespect, rudeness and abuse... Yes, I am well educated, a professional with a license...and one doesn't need a medical license to make this diagnosis.

    The Answer
    Technically speaking, one does need a medical liscence to make any sort of diagnosis. Anything else is just an opinion, also, it's both rude and irresponsible to toss out medical labels without the training, or a request from the patient.

    But, you don't need to diagnose this person to accurately label his behaviour as absolutely not okay and abusive! It is totally not okay and absolutely abusive. Whether or not he has a mental illness, you need to stay away from this person. They are hateful and dangerous.
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    The Question
    I'm female, 30 years old. I recently met a guy I really like, he's 31. We hit it off immediately and had three great dates. At te end of the third date (last night) we went back to his place and started making out and he was very respectful about not having to take things further. I said I wouldn't. So that was that but things got heavy and I told him I was ready to have sex, but that sometimes in my experience guys disappear if things move so fast. I did say I wouldn't regret having sex with him and he was very respectful saying I didn't have to do anything. So anyway...we ended up having sex and I spent the night. We felt comfortable with each other, though naturally things got a little awkward. We had good conversation this morning, so I felt at ease. But after leaving his place I kept thinking to myself that even though I didn't regret sleeping with him and things seemed okay between us, that I maybe slept with him too soon and should have waited a bit longer. I just feel that if a guy gets sex so soon, he either loses interest or backs off because things moved too quickly. I don't want to lose the potential of a relationship or even some good times with him because I sincerely enjoy his company. I made that clear to him before we had sex--that I like hanging out with him and don't want the sex to change things. I would like opinions on this, especially from men, or even women who have been trough similar things. Did I risk losing this guy over having sex so soon?

    The Answer
    Look, people are individuals, and you've got to respect them as such. A lot - hell most - relationships, fizzle out in the first few weeks or months. Most people, at least adults in today's dating culture, are going to also have sex in that period of time.

    The two things may both happen around the same time, but that doesn't mean they are connected.

    If he likes you now, and still likes you a few months from now, he was probably going to like you whether you had sex with him that night, or a week or two later. If he was gonna break up with you a few weeks from now, that is still likely to happen no matter what you did with your naughty bits. Sex may speed up - or slow down - the natural pattern between two people, but it's still more about how those two people fit together outside of the bedroom.

    Give this guy some respect. Very, very few people are just out to get laid. Most people are telling you the truth. If he (or you) changes his (our your) mind about dating in the near future, it probably won't be because of the sex. It won't be because he or you lied, it'll be because the truth changed.
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    The Question
    I DELETED THE OTHER POST BECAUSE IT DID NOT MAKE SENSE SO REWROTE IT TO POST IT NOW AND THIS MAKES SENSE. I COULD NOT JUST ADD DETAILS ON THE PREVIOUS POST BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE GIBBERISH SO HERE IS THE NEW POST THAT MAKES SENSE.

    Yesterday morning I (AGE 59) asked her did she remember what she said a week ago and she first said in a nasty way "No but whatever I said I meant" Then I said a couple of things which made her say "Whatever I say you twist and turn even if it is in your favor" and I asked her to clarify and she said "Well if I tell you that you look nice today then you would say 'why you dont think I looked good yesterday'". I walked away and then a few minutes later I came back and I asked her what do you mean in my favor and she said the same thing "If I tell you I like the way you look you take it to mean that I didnt yesterday" Then about in the car around 2PM today (I was driving because my car was in the spot that we pay for) I said to her "So what you are saying is that if you compliment me one day and you dont the next day I would get upset" and she said "I told you that a million times"

    ORIGINAL STORY A WEEK AGO
    I drove her to do some chores and I said to her 'Are you really putting down my clothes' and in a sarcastic way she said 'Yes I am'. Any way I dropped it and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes and she replied "I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset”. So I teased her about that answer. At the next chore after she finished she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more "There are some days one looks better than others”, which got me upset and I asked her to clarify and she said "The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on”. We said a few other things which made her say "I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. Then three days later my mom and I were fighting and during the course of the fight she said "You used to dress nice, they were expensive". She claimed later on that day she only said it to get rid of me, but she wont admit it now. She also tells me she doesnt have to say what I tell her to say because I said to her "All you have to do is say 'I only said you used to dress nicely because I wanted to get rid of you, and when I said great I just meant that if I liked something and complimented you that day and not the next you would get mad". She

    JUST TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I DRESS BEFORE YOU READ THE STORY: I WEAR VERY NICE PANTS, WITH A BLOUSE THAT IS SLEEVELESS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SLEEVELESS TOP, I DRESS CHIC AND ELEGANT. I DO NOT WEAR TANK TOPS, JEANS, OR SKIRTS OR DRESSES. BUT I DRESS VERY FEMININE. IN THE WINTER I ALSO WEAR SLEEVELESS SWEATERS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER OR A TURTLE NECK UNDER THE SWEATER



    The Answer
    Hello. I wish I could say it is nice to see you here on Advicenators again, but it's really not. When your obsessive, repetitive questions about your mother stopped, I had hopped you might have sought out counselling or support for yourself, since that is clearly what you really need.

    Both you and your mother are aging, and you need to find healthy ways to deal with these conflicts. They are not worth extreme the anxiety and unhappiness you seem to feel. We can't cover that on an anonymous advice site. You need more than we can offer here.

    Please, speak to some sort of support worker, through your church or through a group for seniors, or some other social program. It might be wise for both of you to start with your family doctor, and have a full check up to see if there is something physical contributing to your agitation. Coming here to ask advice questions, over and over again, is not the proper way to deal with these issues. Your problem is not your petty disagreements with you elderly mother about your clothing or jewelry. Your problem is your inability to handle these conflicts in calm and reasonable ways. We are not qualified to give you the help you need. Please go seek it out in the real world.

    EDIT

    I understand this upsets you, but the answer you NEED is the answer I gave you, even if i's not the question you asked. The answer you need to hear, is that this isn't the best place for you to seek help or air your frustrations. We are not equipped to help you.

    You may feel this rude, but it's also entirely honest. Your question here is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. I remember many of your previous questions and how you rehashed, over and over and over again, every single detail of perfectly normal conversations with your mother and your friends. I remember how you wrote and reposted essays, tried to dissect every single sentence, and how you constantly sought other people's interpretations and agreement with you. It wasn't a healthy way to behave then, and it's not healthy now. I really hope you don't start doing that again. Talk to a doctor or counsellor instead. That is where the help you really need is.
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    The Question
    Me and my boyfriend were fooling about 2 or 3 weeks ago and yes we had sex and instead of using a condom he pulled out quite a while before. He used a wipe and got rid of it but is it possible for there to be any sperm left anywhere on or in the penis, becuase after we were still pretty caught up in it all and went for round two. Im just worrying that there could of been some sperm left that we didn't know about.?
    He told me that sperm dies once it hits oxygen but I have read otherwise and im just looking for some advice.

    The Answer
    Sperm does not die when it hits air. That's a myth, and frankly, I'd avoid sleeping with someone who believes something that stupid. Who knows what other crazy things he might think about sex?!

    Sperm can survive for several minutes outside of the body, even longer in a lab setting. Good warm water and soap kills it pretty effectively, but not oxygen. It is also possible (although unlikely) for a women to get pregnant from the few sperm that can be released even before a man ejaculates, so pulling out before he orgasms is also not a safe way to avoid pregnancy.

    You shouldn't loose any sleep over it - it's exceedingly unlikely you'd get pregnant in this way. Just don't take these sorts of risks again. And for goodness sake insist your boyfriend educate himself better about how the human body actually works. He's not a safe person to have sex with if he chooses to stay ignorant and believe in myths.
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    The Question
    My brother’s dog has gotten lose and I was ordered to go to court and pay fees since I was the only adult home at the time. The man from animal control was there as a witness with the people who filed the complaint. I overheard him giving the complaints legal advice in the hall, which I thought was unfair. Every time I asked him a question he would not answer me or claims he didn’t know anything. Every time I’m alone with him he is very rude and talks down to me and ignore me when others are around. I think he might be biased since I am of a different race but I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have noticed him being more helpful to others, white people like him, except me and my mother who were being sued.
    I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic intracranial hypertension. It’s a neurological disorder caused by a buildup of fluid in the back of my brain. There is no cure, only treatments. The pressure from the fluid has caused my optic nerves to swell, the nerve connecting my eyes to my brain. I already have a negative 5 vision, which I was told is bad, and my sight had worsen. I would black out every now and then. I cannot see very well in both eyes even with glasses and suffer severe migraines. I would be bedridden for a whole day and unable to function. I didn’t tell the court that b/c I didn’t want other’s sympathy. I am hopping my vision returns to normal after some treatment. I am actively searching for employment to pay for hospital bills. I don’t want the disability on my record. The only people who know are my immediate family and school teachers. I had to leave school b/c I could not read the books. I am doing better now because of the treatments and my sight has improved. I stopped blacking out. I just paid the court fees b/c I thought there was no way around it as the animal control man has told me. My little brother was supposed to watch the dog. He’s 17 and I didn’t want him to get in trouble. Should I have told the court and animal control man I was visually impaired? There is a 50/50 chance of me going permanently blind? Would it have helped me in any way?

    The Answer
    I doubt it very much. It would only make you seem even less capable of carrying for the dog in the way it needs.

    Honestly, the dog catcher is probably baised agianst people whoes dogs get loose. He is there to see the rules enforced and people and dogs kept safe. If your dog keeps getting out, he's simply not going to be your biggest fan. He's also not your legal counsel. I doubt he has a responsibility to answer your questions during a court hearing.

    Maybe he is also a racist, or maybe he just takes his job seriously and is ticked off to see your family getting fined a second time for a similar issue.

    If people in your home can't care properly for this dog - for whatever reason - then maybe you need to look into a different situation for this dog. Remember: if the very worst happens, you and your mom may get sued, but this poor dog could be put to death. The dog deserves better than that.
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    The Question
    Hi. So I want to be a singer, and I'm 13 years old. I thought that the best way to acheive that goal was to make a record deal. I want to make a demo and send to a record label. I have 2 questions:
    1. Can I make a record deal at 13 years young?
    2. Can you give me some websites of record labels near Chicago. Possible somewhere in Vernon Hills, Illinois.

    Thanks. (:

    The Answer
    You are putting the cart before the horse hun. Record deals don't come first. First comes the music, the tracks, singles and EPs, and usually a lot of live performances too.

    Record labels don't sweep in and pick people up just 'cause they can sing. They want a proven track record of talent, performance skills and stick-to-it-ness. You've got to be already doing it, before they will help you out. Even artists who get signed to a record label, don't necessarily get a 'recording deal' or get paid by the label. They still pay out of pocket for all their own stuff and do most of their own promotion. Often the only thing a newly 'signed' artist gets is access to the labels distribution network.

    Sure, you can sign at 13 (or more pointedly, your parents can sign on your behalf) but no one is going to make you an offer until you've already proven you can produce tracks and sell out small venues on your own.

    If you are a song writer, you need to go on writing, and collaborating with others, to create tracks. If you don't write, you can buy tracks or do covers. There are professionals out there, even companies, who you can pay to help you create your first recordings or videos, but labels are going to be interested in you until you have something to show them.
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    The Question
    I am a teenager. I've suffered with Anxiety, Depression, and Depersonalization for the past few years and have decided it's time to fix it. I can't live like this. The doctors want me to go on Zoloft, but I'm scared that there will be side effects or something. I rejected medication a couple years back, and I sort of regret it. I want to get better, but I don't want to have any hallucinations or for it to get worse. Any advice? What do you think I should do?

    The Answer
    Give 'em a shot.

    Medication isn't the right tool for everyone (and not every medication is the right choice for every person), but they are a great tool, a proven tool, and one that can make a huge difference in your life.

    I, for one, know I wouldn't have gotten better without medication. It helped me see my way back to normal, when no amount of kind explanations or self-control was going to get me there. I wasn't on Zoloft, and I did experience some side effects, but by keeping my doctor informed we worked together until we found the right medication and dosage. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
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    The Question
    21/f

    I've been dating a guy for three months. We've also only known each other for three and a half months. I don't know anything about him "under the surface." I don't know how he generally is, personality wise. I only know about what he does for a living, what he likes to eat, etc. Nothing that I can actually really connect with. In other words, we don't have many deep conversations.

    Since we've been dating, we have not discussed whether or not we were exclusive. We were both aware that we would not be happy if one of us were seeing other people other than each other. Here's the thing, we met online. Ever since I met him, I stopped going onto my profile but he was still on it. Recently, I noticed that he has been getting on it more frequently. Speaking about it has gotten us nowhere. He just mentioned that he has been chatting with a few people but he has not been seeing them.

    I will admit that I have brought in some of my trust issues from my previous relationships just because they have turned out terribly due to trust. I have been doing what is called "mirroring", whatever he does, I do. If he texts me, I text him. If he calls, I call him. He went on his dating profile, I go on my dating profile. Whenever he finds out that someone has been chatting with me, his mood changes and he becomes quiet. I sometimes notice that he would glance at my phone whenever I'm on it next to him. I'll admit, I do the same thing sometimes.

    Other than the fact that he's been getting on his dating profile more often, he has not given me any reason not to trust him. He has not lied, he has been completely honest with me, he talks to me everyday, and he tells me about what he did that day. What could be wrong?

    I can't help but be insecure or suspicious of him seeing someone else. I think of the worst scenario and it drives me crazy. I'm worried when I shouldn't be worried. Help?

    The Answer
    Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy?

    Frankly, after three months, you should be able to answer that question. Three months may not be a really, really long time, but it's long enough to decide if you want to be dating other people or focusing on this relationship.

    If you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy, SPEAK UP. That is where all your problems are stemming from: Neither of you know what is allowed and what isn't, because you haven't set clear boundaries. You've created a situation where it is virtually impossible to build trust, because neither of you know what it is your are supposed to trust the other person to do or not do! This isn't 'taking it slow'. This is killing it with confusion. By refusing to define what this relationship is, you are turning into a non-relationship.

    You are both creating this situation, and it s going to lead to more distrust and more hurt feelings unless you stop it. Stop mirroring him, stop agonizing over what he *might* be thinking and decide what sort of relationship you want with him, and ask if he's interested in that. If he's not, cry it out and move on. At least you'll know, and you can stop wasting your time.
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    The Question
    When I was 15 years old I dated a 16 year old boy for about only 6 months. He was very controling, had anger issues with many people, was a rebel, fighter, robber, and "wannabe" gang member. He was always nice to me though. Did a lot for me, but also made me do many things I did not want to do as a highschool freshman like sneak from home at night and turn into a rebel also. After those few months I started to have many problems with my family and people I did not know. (Many school fights and school discipline also). So I decided to end the relationship. This boy did not want our relationship to end even though he had another girlfriend which I didn't know about until after. He started to follow me EVERYWHERE... Would not leave me alone and I started to get scared. Many he would not leave my personal space and would grab me, causing me to fight back and leading fights into bloody fights. My best friend has witnessed many and I went to court, got a restraining oder against this boy, but I feel like not much was done because we were both minors.

    Now I am 18 years old and 7 months pregnant. He is about 19 or 20. Unfortunately we live in the same area but different neighborhoods. Basically like 10 minutes away I'm car and he knows where I live. The very last time we saw each other at the mall and he gave me a very strong uncomfortable look, but did not say anything and I left (with my boyfriend) immediately to avoid problems from my ex. I have him blocked on the social network, Facebook, but he made a new account to look at my page and send me a message with strong language calling me a "b*tch" and to "shut the f*ck up" and mind my own business. I honestly have not spoken to anyone about him except for his ex girlfriend or current girlfriend (I don't know) because she blocked me after she asked me for help because she also had an abusive relationship with him and thought I would understand her situation. I did not find out what happened at the end of their courts, she even showed me the paper work, but it must of been something minor since he still harrased me on Facebook. She also told me he always threatened me and still had plans for having me and my family pay for what we did, which was only report him to the police when he hit me. I don't understand why she asked for my help and then blocked me, or why he made another Facebook to keep looking at my profile. I wonder

    I am scared because I am holding my child and I am sure he is aware of it since we know many of the same people. But I don't think the police will say much because he did not directly threaten me, What should I do? Leave things alone and worry about my pregnancy? Or go and maybe even have to face him I'm court again and have him be even more mad after nothing is done about him? I feel like it will be a risk.:(

    The Answer
    Unfortunately, its unlikely you can get the police involved because you heard from someone else that he is still holding a grudge. Rumours are not enough to go on.

    You don't mention if your restraining order is still current, but if it is, and his contact with you on Facebook violated it, then you should absolutely report that. At this point, you should report absolutely anything he does that is in violation of your restraining order. No second chances and no mercy. Even if your restraining order has lapsed you may still want to contact the police, or a charity working with victims of abuse, and ask if his nasty Facebook message might be enough to get you another one. It's unlikely, but it might worth investigating.

    Just keep him blocked. He probably only reached out because his girlfriend went to you for help. It's awful that he has moved on to another victim, but after several years without contact, it does seem that he has moved on. By all means look into your options and take some persuasions, but try not to loose any sleep over this.
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    The Question
    Someone told my mom that they think I may be autistic, but she doesn't think I am. Some kids I know are in special ed because they're autistic. What does this mean?

    The Answer
    The autism spectrum describes a large range of neurodevelopmental disorders. Basically, it's a way in which the brains develops and behaves that is very differently than it typically would.

    The reason it's called a 'spectrum' is because it can look very, very different for each different person. Some people with autism cannot speak, and struggle to communicate with other people for their entire lives. They need permanent support and cannot live safely alone. Other people never even know they have autism, and learn to cope with or even benefit from, the quirks and differences that their brain has. There are also tons of other people between those two points - who maybe need extra help, but can cope well enough, or those who really don't need much help with schoolwork, but struggle with their situation in other ways, often with interpersonal skills.

    Are you on the autism spectrum? Probably not. Way too many people throw out 'Autistic' to describe anything they see in a young person that they think is 'not normal'. There are a ton of other reasons to be shy, or confused, or excited or smart, then having autism. I'd be more likely to trust your mom on this, then some busy-body stranger trying to diagnose you. However, it is possible you have autism. Some people do and it's just never a big deal for them. If you are struggling in school or with social skills, it might be good to talk to someone about your struggles and see if there might be something behind them - something like autism - but there is no real reason to assume it is autism unless someone with the education and expertise to make that diagnosis talks to you about. It's also not that big a deal if you do have autism - it's just something that can be good to know, because it can help you figure what works for you and what doesn't a bit quicker.
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