A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
Location: No where you've heard of.
Member Since: July 16, 2007
Last Update: December 12, 2013
I'm a thirteen year old (nerdy) girl, and it's been pointed out to me that thinking nerdy boys are cute is atypical. I simply don't find what people would consider "normal" boys my age attractive. I think nerdy boys are very cute, especially boys with glasses (I've also been told this is odd), and I've never had a crush on anyone who isn't as smart or smarter than I am (I realize this may seem somewhat rude, as that's saying I think myself to be very intelligent, which I do not- just somewhat competent). What do you think? Is this weird? I never thought of as being so, just not the dominant opinion. (link)
There is no such thing as normal. There is only average. Yes, the average thing to do that average people of average intelligence do is to look at whatever guys people around them tell them to like.
You like nerdy guys? Date nerdy guys. You're far more likely to find an actual relationship with a guy who cares about you in a guy with similar interests and intelligence level than you are among the guys that the average girl your age thinks is hot.
Don't lord your intelligence over other people, but there's nothing rude about privately (and an anonymous question on the internet counts as privately) acknowledging that there are factual differences between you and many of the people around you. Some of us are far above the average IQ, and we do things differently than most. There's nothing wrong with that.
You're going to find more and more as you get older that the things that people who consider themselves "normal" do don't really make a whole lot of sense to you, or make sense but not in a way that makes those things right for you. Go your own way and don't look back. Sure, it'll be rocky. You don't have too many other people around you can ask for advice who will be able to understand your perspective on life.
But when you're in your 20s and you've finally really started to figure yourself out on your own terms, you'll be happy as hell you set out on roads not traveled by others and found your own way to being yourself.
Also, teenaged boys are all works in progress. The nerdy ones definitely get less attention, but they've got a much greater capacity for improvement than most. You can teach a nerdy guy to work out a little, dress well, and be sociable. You can't teach a dumb guy with a great body to be more intelligent.
Hi, im 15/f|
I have never had a boyfriend, kissed anyone, or done anything. I'm a normal sophomore girl I just haven't wanted a boyfriend until now and it's getting crazy. I feel like it's my hormones because I get weird feelings.. But now most of the day I'm daydreaming of having a boyfriend and kissing, snuggling and all that. i also don't find blow jobs gross like I would give one to him after a while. But I do find sex terrifying and I wouldn't have that though. No guy has come into my life yet, and i just want him to already. (link)
Yeah that's hormones.
Once you really get into puberty, your sex drive starts actually going. The bad part about this is that during puberty, your sex drive is subject to random hormone spikes. You're just going about your day, and then something sets you off and you can't think of anything else.
The good news on that front is that eventually the spikes even out. You'll still have a sex drive, maybe it'll still be intense, but it'll be intense in fairly predictable ways. Plus, the longer you spend dealing with it the more you get used to managing it.
Nothing wrong with not finding blowjobs gross, in fact once you are sexually active your complete lack of aversion to the idea will be a plus in any sexual relationship. Sex won't be scary once you've had it.
At some point you'll find a guy. I suggest finding a long term relationship. Make him wait a while for sexual activity, even if it's difficult on your end. Teenaged guys are notorious for just wanting sex because they're too stupid and insecure to manage anything remotely mature and stable emotionally. You gotta pick one out of the group who can be respectful and let sex happen on your schedule without issuing ultimatums. Any guy who tries "if you love me you will" or any kind of "if you do this I'll love you forever" or some shit isn't worth your time.
Be assertive. There's nothing wrong with getting angry at a guy who pressures you about sex. Nothing wrong with you telling a guy "you're being a douchebag, and if you don't grow the fuck up and treat me with respect as a person with every right to figure sex out on my own timetable you can walk right out the door" or something similar.
Also, masturbate. Feel free to look at porn. Whether your parents or anyone else thinks it's ok or not. There are plenty of ways to hide it if it wouldn't be ok in your house. If you have your own computer, get firefox and google private browsing. Masturbation will help with the urges, it's easier to stay sane if you're having regular orgasms of your own, plus it helps you get to know your own body so that someday you can help someone else get to know it later.
Last, a word for the future. The whole "I don't think that's gross at all" thing is a great way to be. When you have sex, it can be sweaty and messy. Women get wet, guys have precum and cum, and there's nothing wrong with any of it. It's all just a natural part of what's going on.
Not being grossed out by any of it means you'll have fewer hangups when you get to sexual activity, which means sex will be more fun for you than it ever can be for people who have issues with "that's gross!"
For some people, the mess is part of the fun. If you don't need a shower after sex, you did something wrong.
I'm 7 months pregnant and my husband keeps joking that I'm fat and I need to loose weight. I gained weight in my face. I was skinny before I was pregnant & I know I won't be skinny after I give birth. But he keeps calling me fat it really hurts my feelings because I feel like he thinks I am disgusting. What should I do? (link)
Quietly and calmly tell him to shut the fuck up the next time he does it.
Tell him that saying things like that is hard to deal with because you have gained weight and you feel insecure, and every time he says it he puts you under stress you do not need, and stress is bad for the baby.
If he blows you off, ask him how he'd feel if you started joking that you've always felt like his dick was just a little too small.
fuck the bible. i was raised a christian and untill 20, i believed. Want to know why? i have a serious heart problem, and i have died 4 different times for longer then 2 minutes. nothing happens. you just die, and whats worse is i saw my own pastor at a strip club, what does that tell me? all the offereings IN church were carelessly thrown away on worthless hoes. and the fact 60% of rape is by pasters/ priests. the world needs to realize that religion is a fucking belief.Its funny how there are like 20 different types to, like christian, luthren, cathlic, exct. and the all big time woah is, its been thosands of years and not .000000000001 evidence or ANYTHING has been found. its just plain fucking ridiculous. harry potter is a book of modern times, and it has fans. i dont see a difference in the bible/religion, ITS A FUCKING BOOK SOMEONE WROTE, WITH ALL BRAINWASHED FANS THAT CALL THEMSELVES "GODS CHILDREN" i remember the pastor saying how all sinners go to a place where your burned for eternity......God is love? lolololol. i laugh in the face of ANY church. The pastors are just some hustlers taking everyones money because theyre smart as fuck and all the congregation isnt. I would burn a bible in the popes face. good bye. (link)
Welcome to the fold, fellow atheist/agnostic.
First off, I'll give you fair warning, you're going to be angry for a while, and you have to find a way to calm down at some point. Like you, I and many others were raised in religion and came to a point where we felt betrayed. Felt like our entire lives the foundational beliefs we were taught before we learned how to add and subtract were lies.
Being angry only hurts you. It's a little nugget of misery that sits with you, and poisons your ability to deal with life.
Instead, celebrate. You are free! You no longer have to follow the dictates of that which you do not believe in. You no longer have to be bound by the conceptions of Christian morality and the perceptions therein. You can instead discover in yourself that morality and virtue are neither dependent on nor originate from religion or spirituality. You can be a good person without religion or faith, and no matter what anyone who is in your life believes or says, none of them can change that truth.
At some point, we all come to the realization that it's not our fault, and to a large degree it's not our parents or whoever else indoctrinated us's fault either. My parents are still Christian. They depend upon faith. Without it, the world is too scary. They are terrified of death, of not being immortal in some way, of a world where there is no great sky being holding everyone accountable for the things they see as wrong.
My parents had no chance to escape religion. When they were our age, atheism was synonymous with satanism. The term "agnostic" didn't really exist so far as the vast majority of the world was concerned. They were raised in a world where the answer to not believing was to try to believe harder. And the reality of people is that if you try to believe something hard enough for long enough, eventually you will. You will see the world around you through the lens of someone who desperately wants to prove that God exists, and you will see anything that does not disprove God as evidence that God exists. Past a certain point, there is no turning back. It's like you forcibly destroy any brain cells that contain doubt by nuking them with pure force of will or something, I don't know.
People are who they are, and often (especially the dumber you are) people are who they are made to be. The people who taught you to believe were made to be that way. They did what they were made to do, they tried to make you the same way. The church isn't a group of con artists duping the gullible public. In a way, they are the most duped, because in most cases they believe the most. They are the least free to redefine the world in a way that makes sense in any real, measurable way.
And like a woman who leaves her abusive husband and files for divorce, you have broken that cycle. That is a good thing, something you should be thankful for.
It's all going to be ok. Yes, faith is terrible. It is a weapon against the ignorant, as is the bible. I can't tell you if religion is on the way out, it's far too early to tell. These things have existed for as long as we have recorded history, the delusion of immortality and higher powers which can bend the world in your favor is a hard one for many people to let go.
But we now live in a world where people who do not believe can do so without fear. Where you can be atheist and not get hung or burned at the stake. And more and more, people are turning away from God or Gods and turning to each other.
Try to remember, we're all one big ignorant misguided species trying desperately to ascribe some meaning to life. That is harder for some than others, so religion was born to give them something to believe in when they lacked anything else. We have not evolved as a society to a place where we can survive without religion, but I do believe that such evolution is happening as we speak.
Last, just a personal pet peeve, now that you're abandoning religion it's time to abandon random statements of misinformation. Pastors and Priests do not commit 60% of rape. Rape is a huge problem in contemporary society which revolves around genders and the ways men and women are taught and interact, and much of it has little to do with religion.
Now that you've abandoned faith, it's time to find something to believe in that is based purely in fact. I suggest you start with feminism, cause if there's one thing out there worth fighting for it's gender equality.
OK, so I have this boyfriend. Long distance relationship. I genuinely love him. He went to his job today for the first time since we got together. And I'm really worried. Because he works at Hot Topic, and you know how all the insanely flawless girls go there. Any girl can fall in love with him. So what if he leaves me for another girl? I mean, I don't think he'd do that since he keeps telling me to promise him that I'll never leave him and that he'll never leave me. But I'm still worried if he'll leave me for a much prettier girl though. I keep worrying about it because I know he can get absolutely any girl he wants, because he's just so perfect. If I ever lost him to another girl, I'd self-harm big time. (If you say I'm crazy, you obviously don't know how I feel about him.)|
How can I stop feeling this way? (link)
There is no answer you're going to listen to that is actually correct. You can't stop feeling this way, you're a teenager (god I hope you're still young enough to be a teenager) in a shallow long distance relationship.
So, when this does inevitably blow up in your face, remember a few things.
1) You never really knew this guy.
2) Long distance relationships only work between adults who can choose to move to make it a normal relationship.
3) Self harm in order to prove to yourself or anyone else how much you really cared is a stupid teenaged drama queen thing to do and you need to grow the fuck up and get over things like breakups.
4) You haven't got a clue what love is.
5) No one is perfect and you will never have a good relationship with any guy if you think he is.
6) Being insecure is a good way to lose someone, don't do it next time.
Hi. I am 26 and I have a 26 year old Muslim boyfriend. When I first met my boyfriend, he wasn't a muslim yet. Last year he decided to become a Muslim, and he became really devoted to his religion. I'm a Christian. At first he told me he wouldn't push me to convert as a muslim. But these past few months, we are always arguing about our faith. He doesn't respect my faith and being so discriminating towards other religion. I told him I respect his faith but I don't want to talk about it anymore cause I don't want to argue. But he wouldn't stop. And tonight he told me that he will give me time to think about converting. I told him not to expect cause I'm really not going to change my religion. He said it will not work abd broke up with me.|
I tried to understand this guy so much but I feel disrespected. Please help. I don't want our daughter to grow up without a father. Am I still going to accept him when he comes back to me? I'm sick of tired of arguing about our faith. I accepted him the day he told me he wants to be a Muslim but why can't he respect my faith? I was born as a Christian and I want to stay as a Christian forever. He told me too that he's not going to marry me if it's not in an Islamic way. Don't know what to do. :'(
Thank you for all your answers (link)
Let him go. The relationship is screwed, and you'll be better off refocusing on building a life without him. Your kid didn't lose their father, you're just not together anymore.
Be civil, tell him you understand why it wasn't working and you want to stay broken up and be friends and raise the kid as parents who are not in a romantic relationship with him. Give him and yourself time and space, do not hang out or anything for at least 6 months, do not interact unless it's about the kid, and after half a year see if you can both be adults about not being together and having a kid.
So I'm 15 and i don't plan on having sex until marriage. This is a serious question though... Are guys turned off by girls who have not had sex? Like do they think it's weird when a girl hasn't done it or are they okay with it? (link)
Ugh. Ignore adviceman. His secret was right in the 50s. Times have changed.
I'm going to be bluntly honest with you, choosing to be a virgin until marriage is a difficult choice.
See, in the last decade or two, there's been a dynamic change in dating. Adult women have gone slowly from being horrible if they have sex to being equal with men in that they have every right to do so if they want. Guys have, for the most part, always been given a pass on sex. Even in the 50s, a man who had sex did not have his value to others "ruined" the way a woman did. It was a sexist double standard which is slowly being torn down.
Now, women can choose to have sex for their own reasons and the judgements made are more and more often simply about who they're with, just like guys.
Not always. There is still value placed on purity. So let's talk about that for a minute.
Purity has it's root in paternity. Historically, women are always 100% sure that a child is theirs and men can have doubts. The whole "controlling women's sexuality" thing came about in part because men wanted to be in control of whether or not a child was biologically theirs.
Move forward a few thousand years and you have the modern values of "saving yourself for your husband" which is basically another way of saying that he and he alone owns your sexuality, and that you're a horrible person if anyone else ever gets a whiff of your "purity"
This idea, frankly, is harmful. Your sexuality is yours to do what you please with it, and should be. You want to save yourself until marriage because you have been taught that's what "good" women do. It's a crock of shit.
Why is it a crock?
Because there's a 99% chance that the guy you are with will have had sex before. Outside of a very small subset of Christians who come down just as hard on guys for premarital sex as girls, guys simply are not taught to give a damn about how many partners they've had.
Now, let's talk about why guys value purity or virginity on an individual basis.
It's all about ownership. Possession of you. If you take a girl's virginity, no one else can do that. Some guys literally keep score. It's meaningless, but it's something stupid that some guys take pride in or otherwise enjoy.
In a marriage, there is also the reality that a woman who has never had sex with anyone other than her husband is far less likely to initiate a divorce. That, too, is ownership. The thought of being alone, of possibly initiating a sexual relationship with someone else, is terrifying to someone who is in their 20s or 30s and who has only ever been with one person. Now, I can imagine you might think "But isn't that a good thing? People should work things out and try not to divorce!"
Relationships which have a guy basically owning his woman, where a woman is expected to directly obey her husband, are almost invariably abusive in some way. This matters because there are times when a woman needs to leave a man for her own safety, for her children's safety. And a man owning her purity in marriage is a huge barrier for a woman in that situation to overcome to do what is necessary to keep herself and/or her children safe.
That's all concerning serious relationships up to marriage, what about guys who just enjoy having sex with virgins?
Two basic reasons for that.
1) The guy likes the safety of a virgin. No STDs, no experience, no expectations. A virgin isn't going to tell a guy he's terrible in bed. A virgin on her wedding night isn't going to be able to tell her husband he's selfish in bed and needs to give as well as take. A virgin doesn't really have a clue what sex should be like between two equal partners, and that ownership thing I talked about is a relationship imbalance that will bleed over into the bedroom.
2) The guy likes the seduction and corruption of the innocent. This is usually pretty twisted, but some guys get off on the idea of purity corrupted. These are the guys who literally treat a virgin girl like a point on a scoreboard or a notch on their belt.
Now, the guys you're going to want are virgins too. They like the no expectations thing because they're as clueless as you are about sex. They believe that purity in a woman has value because, like you, they were taught that it does. Not all guys are predators looking to find a virgin and take something from her. But all guys who place value in virginity subscribe to the basic belief that a woman's sexuality is his to control. Even the nice ones, who really do love you.
It's not necessarily their fault. A guy who was raised with parents who told him he needs to find a nice girl who isn't some slut to settle down with didn't teach himself these things. But that doesn't change the fact that they believe these things.
And then, there is a growing subset of guys who either don't care or who actively dislike virginity. I am one of these. We may be the majority now, I don't know. There aren't many comprehensive studies on it.
Guys who don't care still want to have sex. They'll date you if you're willing to have sex with them at some point. If you tell them you want marriage first they'll probably just let you know it's not going to work. Guys who don't like virgins will walk as soon as they find that out, because they actively want to have sex and are looking for women who are on the same level.
So far as you're concerned, being a virgin isn't a big deal, especially not at 15. It's the wanting to wait until marriage part that is going to disqualify a ton of guys from your dating circle. There will be guys who will date you hoping you change your mind. There will be others who just say no, they aren't interested.
But it's key that you understand that what really sets you apart is not your lack of virginity. It's your determination to stay a virgin until you are legally tied to them. You might not be aware of this, but the people born after about 1980 through the 90s and early 2000s are increasingly wary of marriage. Not that they refuse to ever marry, but they go through a bunch of societally acceptable steps before they get there.
Cohabitation is a big one. People more and more prefer to live together before marrying. To make damn sure that this person is someone they want to have to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to break up with before they make it legal. And sex is, as you'd expect from adults living together, a big part of it.
See, one of the things that came about when women took charge of their own sex lives was that suddenly men had to actually know what they were doing in bed. Lots of guys don't. Men in general are playing catch up in relationships, because people like Adviceman grew up in a simpler time when women wanted a provider who didn't hit her, and women now want a supportive partner who treats them like a respected equal.
Lots of men don't know how to do that, and dating and sex are part of how modern adult women determine whether a guy is on the level, good enough to be worth having a marriage and family with.
Sexual compatibility has become heavily emphasized. Having sex before marriage so that you can find out if you like having sex with each other, if you have the same sex drives and can deal with sexual issues that arise like a mature adult couple.
And, honestly, that is what you're up against more than anything. Adviceman is dead wrong about guys having sex with whoever and then settling down with virgins.
That part is flat out, 100% wrong. Guys these days are as liberal as the women they date. They want the same things. To evaluate sexual compatibility. To find out if a girl is into the same things sexually, has a matching sex drive to theirs. The younger the guy, the more in that direction they go. I'm in my late 20s, there are lots of guys my age who are like my parent's generation, lazy shitty partners who expect to treat a woman like property. Guys in their early 20s and late teens right now are far more likely to expect a woman to be a partner, and to act like an equal.
Being an equal includes having similar sexual desires and priorities, and one thing that is almost never a sexual priority for guys anymore is for us to be a virgin when we get married.
To give you an idea of how this works...
When I was a teenager, my parents freaked out that I looked at porn once in a while. I got all kinds of lectures about how no decent woman would ever want me, how real sex between a loving couple was nothing like porn.
As an adult, I have had sex crazier and more kinky than any of the porn they found when I was a teenager. Not only were they wrong that real sex between a real loving married couple is nothing like porn, they were also wrong as hell that no decent woman would ever want to do the same things I want to do.
And I looked for that. For me, number of sexual partners is mostly irrelevant. So long as there are no STDs and there aren't a minivan load of kids in tow, a woman with 1 partner and a woman with 20 make no difference.
What matters to me is experience. I dated a woman who had been with 5 guys before me, but those 5 guys happened in a 6 month period after she lost her virginity and then she met me. I was less happy sexually in that relationship than with a girl who had been with 10 guys over 8 years of sexual activity, and my current girlfriend who has only been with 2 people but they were over 7 total years of serious relationships between those people.
The girls with more experience know their sexuality well. They can express it to me, they are confident in it, and they can share that sexuality with me as adults.
Now, that's my personal perspective, but it's not remotely uncommon among other guys. And I am a good man, and a good boyfriend. You'll have to take me at my word on that, but I'm the kind of guy women value because I'm a good guy.
Most genuinely good guys who have no intention of waiting until marriage are much the same. They want someone of comparable sexual experience who can experience sexuality with them on their level.
It's natural, when you think about it. If you treat a woman as an equal, as a partner, you are most likely to find someone you have things in common with easy to relate to. A guy who's been having sex for 5 years is going to be more comfortable with a girl who's had at least a few years of sexual experience over a girl who's clueless and has less than 6 months of experience having sex, no matter how many people were in those 6 months.
Though, in those cases a girl who's been with fewer people is better for the simple reason that the more people you've been with, the more your experience is spread out and the less likely it is that you've had serious relationships with regular sex.
When one person has never had a relationship more than a month or two long or has never had sex more than like 10-15 times with one person, and another person is used to long term relationships where you don't count because you just have sex a whole bunch over a long period of time, that too can cause issues with difference in experience and with how each person views sex.
I've wound all over the place with examples, but the core message I'm trying to drive home is that the world you live in for the most part does not hold the values that you personally hold. Guys and girls alike, few people are waiting until marriage because they look at their parents and see that in most cases doing so is a mistake for many, many reasons.
And the same way, few people are looking for a partner who wants to wait until marriage. Guys don't settle down with virgins or look for girls who have had as few partners as possible. Guys look for girls who look at sex the same way they do. If a guy wants to have sex with a ton of women, he doesn't have a problem with being serious with a woman who has had sex with a ton of guys. If a guy has only had sex with one or two women, but it was in the context of years long relationships, he's going to look for a girl who's had years long relationships and the number of guys she's had is not going to matter compared to whether or not she's had any long term relationships and knows what it's like to be with one person for years at a time.
The guys who are going to be specifically looking for you are going to be either guys who want a notch on their belt, or guys with little to no experience with sex and long term relationships so they don't feel like you have expectations based on being with someone for a long time when they themselves have not.
So where do you go from here?
At 15, you don't have to make any drastic decisions. But I'm going to go ahead and give you fair warning that the older you get, the more guys in your dating age range will have had sex and pretty much expect that in girls they date.
Right now, maybe half the guys your age have had sex. By 18, statistically it's more like 60% or more. By 21, more than 90% of guys your age will have had sex with at least one partner, and a significant portion of that 90% will have had at least one serious relationship over 6 months where they had regular sex with someone they cared about.
Adviceman is wrong again to say that sex and love are not the same thing.
It is true that immature teenagers looking to coerce a virgin into sex will sometimes utter the phrase "If you love me, you'll do it."
In your 20s, sex is a normal and accepted part of a loving and secure relationship. People recognize that sharing sexuality is absolutely vital to intimacy between two partners who both have sexual needs and desires. More and more, it's normal in your teenaged years too. Teens are not adults, but they pretend to be. They imitate.
Adult trends these days are heading more and more towards sex being a normal and expected part of a serious relationship. Something two people share with each other equally. Teenagers are slow on the uptake, but are catching on. You will encounter guys who sincerely care about you and who want to have sex with you, and expect that to be treated as a normal thing.
So where does that leave you?
The bad news is, if you hold onto your "sex until marriage" ideals, I don't know what to tell you. I don't honestly know if you will find a guy who will be ok with that outside of that small subset of Christianity who damn anyone who has premarital sex to hell, and if you do find a guy from that group I can't make you a single promise about how happy you will be going into marriage with that little life experience. It might work, it might not. You might end up divorced, you might end up in an unhappy marriage, you might be happy. But the chances of unhappiness are much, much higher than happiness with that approach.
That's honest truth. No way around it.
The good news is, if you change your mind and have sex before marriage, it won't be a huge deal that you're a virgin. And bonus, I can even tell you basically how to go about it.
If you decide that you are willing to have sex before marriage, your new line is "I'm a virgin and I'm waiting for the right guy." So, if a guy wants to know if he's the right guy, you can tell him that either you will have sex with him, or you'll break up with him because he's not the right guy.
How do you find the right guy? Well, first, don't absolutely require that you're sure you will spend the rest of your life with him. Require that you love him, and you're sure he loves you.
You figure that out by taking time and seeing how he respects your needs and desires. You learn to communicate about sex. You need a guy who you can talk to about your desires and fears, but who will respect you enough to be able to talk about that stuff and want you without trying to convince you to have sex. Someone who will let you figure it out without pressuring you.
And one thing that is required of you, if you go that way, is that at some point you take a leap of faith. You love him, you know he loves you, but sex is still scary. It's scary because you can't know what it's like until you've had it. That's why you talk to your guy, so he knows what you're afraid of and what you might need from him. Do some reading, some googling about sex as well. There's plenty of "what will my first time be like" pages out there for you to read. You should have a good idea what to expect before you go into it.
And yeah, I'm advising you to not wait until marriage. You can't choose both paths and know how they will work out for you before you make the choice. But I am old enough to have seen both sides of that fence. I was raised Catholic. I was told the same lies about sex, relationships, and virginity/purity you were.
And I know that I am happier than the few people who waited until marriage. Far happier. I know that the vast majority of people I knew who said they were going to wait at your age did not for the reasons I have listed above.
It's your choice to make, just don't make the mistake of thinking that this choice is easy or that it's right. It is what you were taught to choose, nothing more.
If you want to talk, inbox me. I'm happy to share my experiences if you have questions or comments. I know my perspective is different than yours, and probably way, way more detail than you were planning on getting when you asked this question.
I just know that I do not know a single person who thought they were going to wait to have sex until marriage who then changed their mind and had safe, responsible sex with a loving partner who regretted it after.
I want to tell someone but it will cause drama and they’ll think I’m lying & it will cause a lot of drama. I don’t want to be taken away from my brothers & sisters or something. My step dad touches me every time my mom isn’t around and I feel really uncomfortable around him & he’s really big so I can’t fight him. He puts his hands in my private areas & flirts and says all these disgusting things. When he touches me I just freeze up. I hate him. Sometimes I think about running away or over dosing my self but I really don't want so im asking for advice in telling my mom. I'm scared to tell my mom because her and him have been together for years and sometimes I feel as if she love him more than she loves me. When she’s not working, she’s partying or out of town gambling. I think she wishes she never had kids. My step dad has the power to lie on me and get me in trouble. It seems like my mother gives him more attention than she gives me. She gets designer clothes, bags from him. He has money so if she left him we would be homeless. I just want it all to stop I want him out my life and to life the rest of my life happy like it was before this all happen if that's possible. I cry my self to sleep at night and wish I wasn't me I want this to be the last time I do this so please give me advice on what to do (link)
DO NOT GO DIRECTLY TO THE COPS. If you go to the cops without any evidence to show for it, there is a good chance that they will not listen or will listen to your mother and step father when they lie and say that you are lying about what has happened to you. There is a good shot that the cops will not prosecute if they think you are lying, and whether they think you are lying is almost completely out of your control without proof. So you need to take steps.
Step 1 is proof. This part is going to be hard. You need to record him. And you need to write things down.
First, the writing. Get a notebook at school. Write down in as much detail as possible, with locations, dates and times if you can, exactly what happened to you. Write down the order he did things, from walking in the room to leaving the room. Write down what he said, what he did, every single detail you can remember. Once you have written in the school notebook everything you can, hide it. I talk further below about finding a locker you can use which is not yours. Hide it in that locker.
When you are at home, make a second notebook. If he assaults you again, when he is gone write down everything he did just the same as you did at school. Hide this notebook well in your room if you think you can keep it hidden there. If you can't hide it in your room without it getting found, hide it somewhere else. Every time he does something to you, write it down in exact detail as much as possible.
Video would be difficult. It's harder to hide, you would need a camera that can record things that he will not see or check.
Voice recording only would be easier. You can't let him know you're recording him, you have to get him on record without him knowing you're doing it. There are phone apps that will record whatever they hear, and there are small voice recorders which can pick up very well which you might be able to find a way to buy for cheap.
Ideally, you tape a voice recorder somewhere it can clearly hear anyone in the room and test it, walking around the room talking in a normal tone of voice. Listen afterwards, and figure out how to talk so you're not too loud but it comes up clearly on the recorder. Set it up so that with a single button press it's recording, and wait for him to enter your bedroom at night. Hopefully the lights stay out. If you have siblings I assume that he comes to you when he knows he won't get caught, like when everyone is in bed.
It's dark, he comes in, you press the button in the dark and record everything he says. Make sure you don't have any background noise if at all possible. No music playing, no fans running, nothing that will add background noise to muffle what is said in your room.
The next part of the recording is to get him talking. Your goal is to get him admitting to what he is doing on the recording, and to be on the recording yourself saying what he is doing.
This is probably going to be the hardest part. You freeze, you have to unfreeze. Let's assume that getting set up to record might be difficult, that you have to get a recorder. Let's say he abuses you a few times before you can figure it out and get it set up. Start talking now, so that he's used to it when you are able to record him. If he tries to stop you from talking, do not stop talking. Even if he hits you, keep talking.
Start talking. Tell him to stop, and don't just tell him to stop, tell him "Stop doing X" with you explicitly stating what he is doing. "Stop taking my clothes off" and "Stop touching my vagina" Don't scream it, use the tone you practiced for the recorder. Say things a little slowly and clearly so that it picks up. Use his name constantly, whatever you usually use to address him. So if he's Stan "Stop touching my vagina, Stan" This is to identify him on the tape, and to hopefully get him to respond directly to his name somehow.
You can also ask him questions or make statements. You say he says disgusting things. As much as it's horrifying, try to get him to say those things. Remember to use his name? Still going with Stan.
- Why do you enjoy molesting me Stan?
- Are you ever going to stop doing this to me Stan?
- (At the start) What are you going to do to me, Stan?
- I want you to stop touching my ______ Stan.
If he gets to talking, let him talk. The point is to get him talking, not to start a conversation. It is imperative that you say his name on the recording more than once, that you explicitly state what is going on so there are no questions as to what is being recorded, and that you get him talking as well. Non video recordings are difficult to prove because you cannot see who is on them. You need to have both of your voices on the recording, need to have him say things that are incriminating on the recording.
Once it is over, be very, very careful. You need to get that recording out of your house and make multiple duplicates you can hide places. Burn it to multiple CDs if possible.
Hide one copy in your house in a closet or the attic or something, somewhere no one will look. On top of tall furniture where no one can see, somewhere you need to climb to get to works. Hide another copy or three outside of your house, perhaps at a friend's house or trusted Aunt's house or something, or somewhere at school you know no one will find. Not your locker, not any space that is directly tied to you. The more copies you have the better.
This is crucial. You need to be able to have them turn the house upside down and search every square inch, find the one you hid there, and not have that be your only copies of the recordings. You need to protect that evidence. Multiple redundant copies protects you, means they cannot erase every trace of what you just succeeded in doing.
One thing you might consider doing, get a combo lock (not a key, so no one can find the key and start thinking about lockers) and hide a copy in an empty locker which has nothing to do with you. Somewhere across the school from where you have your personal locker, in the gym locker rooms perhaps.
Next, it's time to find an ally family member. An Aunt or Uncle, grandparent, cousin. Someone who does not live in the house with you. No idea if this is possible, but consider all of your options. Who in your family would you be most comfortable telling? Who would be on your side? Find someone, talk to them about it, and bring the recorder with you. Let them listen to the recording.
Note: Remember that. Bring the recorder. Pretend that is the only copy of the recording you have. You protect your redundant copies by keeping them secret. Their purpose is a back up in case no one believes you or they try to destroy the recording. Treat the recorder like it's precious, do not let anyone take it from you if you can help it unless that person is a police officer. If someone does take it, if they delete the recording or destroy the recorder, you take a copy you stashed and you go to the police. Don't call the cops to your house. Either get yourself to a police station, or take the recording to a school counselor and directly ask them to call the police for you and get an officer down so you can turn the recording over to them. Remember, always have a backup. Lets say the recorder is destroyed, and you take a CD to the counselor. Make sure there is a third copy so that the CD to the counselor is not your only copy either. Make sure that you always have a copy of it in your hands somehow or somewhere that no one knows about so that if necessary you can make multiple copies again.
Back to your aunt or cousin or grandparent. You want them there when you tell your mother. It prevents her from hiding this so that her nice little party gambling life is not disrupted. You want your siblings there as well. Play the recording for your mother, siblings, and the family witness. Tell your mother you want to call the police and report him for rape/sexual assault.
If she says no, pick up the phone yourself and dial 911. If she tries to stop you, leave the house and call 911. Take a phone if you can, go to a neighbors house if you cannot. Do not go near the notebook or your copies hidden in the house. Just leave, you can grab those when the cops come and you tell them there is a notebook that you wrote everything down in. Oh, and remember copies? Take your school notebook to the library or somewhere else you can make copies of what you wrote, and make copies of the notebook and hide them with the notebook and the copy or copies of the recording. Have a stash of backup evidence at all times.
Once you call the cops, hand over all the evidence you have. The cops will likely want to question you, answer everything you can in the same kind of detail as the notebooks. The notebook, combined with the recording, combined with your testimony should be enough to put him in prison for what he's done to you.
Doing all of this will be hard, but this guy deserves to be locked up for what he's done. If you can't do the recording right away, still prepare to do it. Write in your notebooks, stash them in safe places, set up your school locker hidey hole that no one will know is a locker you use. Do not go to that locker when people are around if at all possible.
Remember at all times that proof is your protection, and so are witnesses. If you have a sibling who you think would absolutely be on your side, after you make the recording and get it out of the house (only after) while you are getting ready to duplicate it and take the next step, consider telling a sibling what happens and ask them to bust in on you while he is in there. A direct witness to the abuse will be more proof, and more protection. If you go to the cops with the notebook and recording and are willing to testify about what he's done, and a sibling of yours is ready to witness to the police that he or she saw your step father touching you, then you can put him in prison no problem.
Last, tell the police you want a restraining order preventing him from contacting you or coming anywhere near you. They should be able to do that.
Really last! Important!
This article explains why I told you to do all of this. There are three types of evidence which allow them to pursue these cases. Recordings, witnesses to the abuse, and **DNA**
Once you have your recording, there is one more scenario where you can go to the police directly. Lets say you have your recording but have not told anyone. Make your duplicates before you call the cops, no matter what.
Once the duplicates are made, if he abuses you again, you have the opportunity to offer DNA evidence. When the abuse starts, resist some. Fingernails scrape off a layer of skin if applied hard enough, he doesn't have to bleed for them to be able to tell that the skin under your nails is his. Remember exactly where he touches you, so you can tell the police and later the hospital.
When sexual assault is reported, one of the things they can do is called a rape kit. They look for evidence of his skin cells on your body. If he actually has sex with you, this is easy. He cannot hide that from a rape kit. If he sticks a finger inside your vagina, it's almost as sure. If he touches outside, remember exactly where so that they can test those areas to try to find evidence. If he hits you or otherwise leaves marks on your body, those are evidence of a struggle.
After he leaves, wait. Wait until you can call 911 without anyone noticing. Even if it's 4 am. Once you call the police, gather your notebook, the copy of the recording (or the recording device you still have), and go wait outside for the police to arrive. Once they get there, explain the situation and hand over your evidence, and directly state that you want to be taken in for a rape kit. Do not wait outside of your house where he can find you. Ideally, get a cell phone, and go a few blocks down the street. Somewhere that if they realize that you are gone, they cannot immediately find you. If you know your neighbors go to one of them. If you do not, go somewhere far enough away that they cannot see you. Tell the police exactly where you will be if you have to call from the house. If you have a phone, walk a few blocks and then read the address of the house you are near and give the police that address to let them know where you are so that they come to you before they go to your home. Do not give the police your home address until they come to you first and get that address in person.
Do not shower, do not change your clothes. Once he leaves, change nothing. Get a book or something to read and just wait, write the abuse down in your notebook, etc. Showering can destroy evidence. Your clothes are also evidence.
Delete your computer history. If you need help with this type your browser name (Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari) into google followed by "Delete all internet history" to find articles about how to make sure that this question is never found by your family before you can take action.
You may be worried about the impact on your family, about your mother's reaction, etc. That's normal. Do this anyway. It will take alot of guts, but posting this question alone took alot of guts. No matter what happens to anyone, none of it is your fault. You have a right to not be sexually abused. That right supercedes everyone else's right to not have their lives disrupted by this guy being thrown in prison.
And no matter what happens, remember these simple words.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of this is. It is not your fault that you are being abused. It is not your fault that taking steps to stop the abuse might fuck your family's life up. It is not your fault if your mother resents you for disrupting her nice little paid for life. It is not your fault that she married a sexual predator.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. People may well blame you. They may tell you that the results of bringing this out into the open are your fault. That is a selfish, shitty thing to say. We call that victim blaming. Telling a victim of a crime that they should have done something to prevent it. Telling them that they should have kept quiet and because they did not that what happens after is their fault.
Do not keep quiet. The results are not your fault. Every bit of fault, all the blame, rests on your step father. And anyone who tells you otherwise is doing so because they would rather you be abused and keep quiet and let it continue to happen than deal with the results of you standing up for your right as a person to not have anyone do anything to your body that you do not permit them to do.
Again, good luck. You need evidence to get him prosecuted. Evidence other than your own word. Get that evidence, protect that evidence, and show that evidence to police. Remember the three types of possible evidence. Recording him, having a witness to what he has done who will testify in court, and DNA. The more you have, the easier this goes. Get whatever you can.
Right after when my mensuration got stop i had sex without any protection. Later i ate contraceptive pill which was to be eaten one after 12hrs from eating the first one.|
But i ate the second medicine 14hrs later. Then i had mensuration 10 days later again.
I did early pregnancy test also and the result was negative. But today i noticed that my nipples were a little bit coming out....
What shall i do??? (link)
You're more than likely not pregnant, regardless of what symptoms appear. If you're worried, wait 30 days and test again, just to be sure.
But you're not pregnant. You had sex immediately after the end of your period long before women ovulate excepting strange circumstances like some kind of reproductive medical problem. You took plan b, the extra 2 hours is mostly irrelevant.
Your nipples are probably responding to the increase in hormones from the pills you took. What you do is be patient and wait, because pregnancy takes a minimum of 4-7 days to register with your body.
Okay so first off we're both adults, have been together a long time and live together, I'm just noting that to give some sort of perspective since there are so many young girls on this site talking about sex.|
Usually my boyfriend wants to have sex every three days or so. It's been a week now and he hasn't even tried to have sex with me and I almost feel guilty and bad about it.
Last time we had sex it was bad for me because it hurt so much and he knows it. This might sound selfish or inconsiderate but it's him who's making it bad.
I'm a very petite girl (under 5FT and 78 pounds) and he's tall and fit so naturally he's "large" physically (in the obvious department). I try my hardest to please him in every way in bed and do whatever he asks me to do or at least try it.
The problem is he refuses to use lubricant because he doesn't think I should need it.
So basically he tries to fit something that's already too big for me in without enough moisture which is horrible.
I bleed almost every time and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to really try hard not to cry.
The other problem is that he gets turned on very quickly and I don't. He'll kiss my neck once and then expect me to want to have sex when I'm just not ready and of course that makes it hurt too.
The worst part is he asks me why it's bad for me like he wants to fix it and I tell him why but it just keeps going back to the same problems.
This week has been kind of weird. It seems like he's really just not trying at all or he will do something sexual and then just not continue.
What I mean is like last night I was on the couch and he grabbed my breast and then kissed my neck twice and I started kissing him back and then he just stopped and we watched a movie and then went to bed.
It's been like that all week and it's very irritating to me to the point it's making me angry. The day before yesterday he carried me to the bedroom and we started kissing and after maybe 30 seconds he asked me if I was ready and I told him not yet and then he just gave up and walked away to go play video games.
Like he's really not even trying to turn me on he just expects one boob grab to make me aroused enough to have sex.
Half of me feels horrible because I feel like he's scared now to have sex with me and I feel like it's my fault that I can't just make myself aroused in .03 seconds.
What should I do?
I feel like talking about it is going to be awkward and it's going to just make me feel worse.
Read dragonfly's answer several times. I'm not going to take the time to just repeat what was posted there ad nauseum.
I will emphasize something though. Refusing to use lube "because you shouldn't need it" is horrifyingly ignorant and selfish. Bleeding and crying during sex because he won't use enough is...
That is not ok. That is something you should be outraged about. I'm kind of outraged from reading it. I know you love him, but good fucking God that's terrible. He deserves to get kicked in the nuts a few times for that.
And I'm a guy, so when I advocate nut-kicking, it's serious.
He wants you to be what he wants in bed. He is too fucking stupid to understand that you can't be because what he wants is entirely self centered and unrealistic.
DUMP HIM. From what you just described, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt there are other things in your relationship that are equally unacceptable which you overlook because you love him or don't know any better. Not trying to be condescending, even adults can be in bad relationships and not know that it should be better. What he is doing is borderline abusive. It's emotionally and physically neglectful.
Do not ALLOW him to have sex with you without lube. Do not ALLOW him to penetrate you without adequate foreplay. If he walks away entirely, that tells you where you rank on his priority list and at least you might not have to do the dumping. If he forces the issue, it becomes physical abuse and potentially rape.
Your boyfriend is a selfish piece of shit who needs to have his failings explained to him in angry and disparaging detail in the context of a breakup. Continue dating him at your own peril.
My ex wife was small and I am thick. We used lube liberally to prevent the problems you're having. There were times when after a long session of sex she wouldn't be able to for a few days while she recovered. But in the moment, she enjoyed the hell out of it, because I made sure I did what was necessary to make that happen.
Do not date a guy who does not do that for you. Sex like that should be a dealbreaker. Instant dealbreaker.
I am a 15 year old girl and the youngest of all my siblings (20,28,38 and 31) I dont really get to do much with them as they work all the time.
I watch Anime a lot.. and it identifies with me. That's why I love it. But you see, my family is religious so i cant watch anything with religion not present (such as Fullmetal Alchemist) or Black butler.
I feel lonely a lot since my 'friends are sort of jerks.
So, I imagine that I'm talking to the characters I watch and I act out all sorts of scenes. I even had a crush on one of them... My family looks at me like i'm crazy and like I said they dont like the stuff I do.
My question overall is, is it wrong to be imagining the characters talking to me and doing things with me (like being a pirate/detective ) ? Also, is it wrong to feel like I have a crush on one?
(No I am not crazy, just lonely. I read and write fanfiction all the time, which my parents and family dont like either. Also, I have A and B grades.
Please give me some advice, any advice at all is appreciated.. thanks) (link)
You stand upon the precipice of a deep, dark, dank, depressing chasm of loneliness.
There's nothing wrong with liking Anime. FMA is one of my favorites. There's nothing wrong with fantasies either. I write myself into books in my head all the time.
I also keep it to myself. My private fantasies are, well, private. My girlfriend knows about that stuff, a little. And there is a reason that it stays mostly private and isn't out there written down for people to see and read, and disapprove of.
Plenty of people indulge in escapist fantasy, but see for me and for most other people who do it, those fantasies are there to pass the time and to amuse ourselves, nothing more. I used to drive across my state on a regular basis, 4+ hours in a car with no CD player in the rural south where country is omnipresent. I hate country. Lacking music to entertain me, I fantasized. It shortened the hundreds of hours I spent into something mentally manageable.
And I have never had a crush on a character.
Signs point to you liking fantasy because it's preferable to your reality. You have a religious family that won't let you watch FMA, so that's an understandable thing to want to escape from time to time mentally. But when you begin forming emotional attachments to your escape like that, you cross a line into dangerous territory.
Dangerous because it literally gets in the way of you creating a meaningful life for yourself which you can enjoy. Real life should be preferable to your fantasies. Real life is real. When you crush on a character, you're forsaking real life for those fantasies, and that is straight up mentally and emotionally unhealthy. Taken too far it can be diagnosed as a personality disorder.
Which brings us to the chasm. Ever heard of the geek social fallacies? It's a list of five things that make geeky (and anime fanfiction counts) social circles into pits of despair inhabited by troglodytes.
One of the five things on the list is the idea of inclusiveness. See, these things aren't acceptable to most people. When you flaunt it, that makes you an outcast. When your fantasies become important enough to you that you have to share it with others because it's a seriously big part of your life and you're not publishing books, that just makes you someone who's disassociated from reality.
So, when you make an outcast of yourself because you refuse to embrace reality, who do you hang out with and relate to?
Other outcasts, of course. And it should be noted at this point, this is not something due to religion. Most atheists still find fan fiction obsessed people weird and uncomfortable to be around. Go look up Bronies and see if you can understand why adult men fawning over a badly animated simplistic show for 8 year old girls gets disturbing.
Some people in this group of outcasts are just people with overactive imaginations, too much emotional attachment to the subject matter, and too little balance by way of other interests.
Some people in this group are obsessive socially repugnant broken individuals.
And you can't separate one from the other, because when outcasts band together a central theme of the group is acceptance. So these people who wouldn't be acceptable to most people in normal society anyway will latch on obsessively to things like anime or video games to become accepted and suddenly you've got Fallout Equestria.
Do not google Fallout Equestria. You would never be able to explain it to your parents. The only things you need to know about it is it is a fan fiction that is longer than War and Peace (you can google that if you don't know how long it is), it combines My Little Pony with a video game world, and it has a seriously disturbing amount of rape.
Yes. Rape. When I told you these people were disgusting troglodytes, that's what I meant. They wrote a massive book about My Little Pony characters being raped in a post(nuclear) apocalyptic world. And when you become an adult and have the freedom to search out corners of the internet that are eager to read your fan fictions and such, these are the people who you will be seeking acceptance from, who will expect acceptance from you in return.
That is the chasm. The deep, dank pit of despair that is the internet fan fiction community.
You can identify with more than anime. Watch some movies. Read some books. Not manga, books. I guarantee if you can find things you can relate to with anime you can find things to relate to in books written a decade or a hundred or more years ago too. It's all about being human in one way or another. Branch out. Develop interests in addition to anime so that when you want to relate to people who aren't writing disturbing sexual fantasies about cartoon characters you have something to relate to them with when they aren't into anime.
And go outside and do things. Escape is a time waster unless you do something with it and the vast majority of the members of the fan fiction community are members of it precisely because they have little to no writing talent. That's not a dig, most people have little to no writing talent. Doesn't mean you can't write, it just means you shouldn't throw it out there and expect to be accepted as a writer for it.
And a final note.
You're weird. That's ok, so am I. I have learned at times to hide my weirdness around those who don't share it and seek out those who do who are still functional human beings in the real world. I met them by going out and being a part of the real world and having a conversation that tangented onto whatever subject of mutual interest. I have a buddy I can talk superheros and comics with, there's nothing wrong with that. We also talk about life, relationships, politics, work, school, etc. Because we're both people who developed more interests to relate to others with than just comics and nerdy things, and we are both interested enough in those other things that we don't want to only ever talk about comics.
Learn when sharing is appropriate and when it's not, and accept that many people will not share all your passions. Find outlets for those passions with people you know, who you can see and hang out with and do things other than just share the passion you have in common that gave you a reason to get to know each other. Do not let yourself become one of the obsessed anime people who lives and works for the purpose of supporting an escapist lifestyle where you fill your room with anime figurines and live alone as an adult with your anime body pillow and are incapable of connecting with people unless it's through a computer screen.
I know you're probably thinking "I'd never let myself turn out like that!"
Famous last words of a ton of people who will never have sex in their lives. I know your parents are religious, but trust me, you want to have sex some day. With someone who doesn't need you to dress up like an anime schoolgirl to be interested in you.
Hi, this is quite long, so please bear with me. |
I got this FWB, with whom I had sex once before. We met online, on his online profile he said that he was 35. I'm 25, so 35 is my maximum age.
Anyway, I went to my FWB's place yesterday and found out that he's in his early 40s. I felt a little distrust, but because he was otherwise nice and hot, I ignored it. We went for dinner and played pool with his friends, and I said that the fact that everyone knew him in this city was just like going out with my dad, who is a university professor (wherever we go, there are always his students recognizing him). And he glared at me teasingly, making me explain that I didn't mean that he was like a father to me.
Anyway, after playing pool, we went to his place, as we've discussed per text earlier. But when we get into bed, he only cuddled me, and showed no sign whatsoever to have sex. So I asked, when are we planning on going forward with our "experiment". He has lots of toys and into light bondage, and I'm eager to try it out and in our texts, he has always been eager to tie me up and use them on me. But when I asked him that, he only hugged me even tighter, and just said "you're so sweet that I... you're gonna find a boyfriend.." and held me there, my head on his chest, one hand stroking my shoulder, the other on my head, rubbing a spot on the back of my head with a finger. I got the impression of it being a protective gesture.
So we just cuddled the whole night. And in the morning, when we were spooning, there was no morning wood. I cupped his hand on my breast, and he pressed his crotch towards my butt, and I felt him getting kinda hard. He kept squeezing me tight, and kissed my shoulder, so I turned around to face him. But when I turned around and my head was on his chest again, he fell asleep, went soft again, and snored. I was like "what the...?"
When we finally got out of bed, I asked him again, whether he didn't want to have sex because of my comment about my father. He said no, it was because I was so nice and sweet and again, that I will find a boyfriend. Not because of me, but because I was so nice.
I'm still confused. I asked him again whether he was lying about the reason to not have sex with me and he didn't seem like lying. However, my insecurities just screamed to me that maybe he's not attracted to me after all.
What do you think? Would a guy really not want sex because he thinks the girls is too "nice"? Could it be that he had developed protective feelings toward me? Or was he lying about all that and is in fact, not attracted to me after all? Were my insecurities making me think too much here?
I feel like I can't get a boyfriend, but at least I can still get sex, and to me it's kind of a confidence boost. And he has a big d***, I really wanted him inside me. I now feel like I've lost my FWB. We still agreed to be friends, but I wanted the benefits too. So when I went back home, I felt rejected and it hurts and I dropped a tear or two. Pathetic, I know. Help? (link)
You screwed it up. Not something to beat yourself up over, but it seriously was the words you chose.
Men who date women significantly younger than them do it for one of two reasons. Either A) They have a daddy/daughter type age fantasy or B) They want to feel your age instead of theirs.
Your guy appears to be Type II. He wanted to have sex with a 25 year old so that he would feel 25 again. And you made him feel old. If it had been an attractiveness problem, he would have either made an excuse and gotten his friends in on it, or he would have tried and failed to have sex, or succeeded in having sex and never called you again.
Protective gesture, you made him feel like an old man with a young girl. Ridiculous, you're 25, more than old enough to fuck anyone of any age you want, but it doesn't change his reality.
i used to love the classic Disney Cartoons as a kid they did great in the 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s 70s 80s 90s and early 20000s back when i really loved disney i used enjoy toon disney becuase it had wonderful cartoons but whats popular with Disney now is shows that i really cant stand such as Ant Farm Austin and Ally Shake it Up Good Luck Charlie and i regret the days when Hannah Montana Wizards of Waverly Place and Jonas were popular im real sick of it why did that all happen (link)
The answer to "why did it happen" is that it's cheaper to manufacture a marketable appearance than to find and retain talented artists and writers.
Britney Spears isn't an alcoholic trailer park hick because she was physically beautiful and willing to trade her sexuality for obscene amounts of money. She has no talent at all, if you've ever heard her sing live and unprepared it sounds like something that would end up on the worst of American Idol. But some soundboard wizardry and sexy outfits and they had a sexual icon who sold platinum records to stupid teenagers without enough sense to be able to see the transparent shit that they were told was something they should like.
Take that and apply it to Miley Cyrus. Look at her behavior now. Disney trades on wholesome. That's what they sell, that's what their customers want, so that's what Hannah Montana was. People were all "Oh look she's so great, she's nice and respectable and proper" and they ascribed it to Miley, not to the character she was told to play for the camera.
Now we have the opposite, Miley Cyrus is just another Britney Spears, trading her sexuality for more money before she ages to the point that teens see her as old and she loses the jailbait appeal for everyone older than that, because once that's gone she's going to be nothing other than the once famous daughter of a has been singer.
Let's look back at the 80s. Music was made for adults. Movies were made for adults. Even the cartoons, I can still watch and laugh at Transformers and Thundercats. It was produced by talented artists, because that's what adults wanted.
The 90s was the discovery that advertising to adults is alot less effective than advertising to children. Children are young, impressionable, and lack the life experience or maturity to figure out and define what they want for themselves. Instead we have a constant bombardment of advertising so that by 13 years of age boys think they want to have sex with Britney Spears and girls think they want to be her. It's not until later in adulthood that these kids grow up and realize that Britney was probably a boring lay who is easily out-shined by non famous women who don't depend upon a marketed appearance to impress someone in bed and women realize that the way you look matters less to the people you actually care about in your life than who you are as a person.
And if you want to know who's really at fault? Our parents. Our parents stood by and watched this happen. They bought us Britney Spears and Jonas Brothers and Fallout Boy and Miley Cyrus merchandise, they paid for the concerts, they decided that it was easier to cave to the establishment than to teach their kids to have self respect and taste. Instead of organizing and refusing to accept society, they rolled over like a collective generation of lazy, self absorbed cowards. That's why our government is a mess and our freedoms are gone, that's why our media is shit and the music industry is foundering, that's why we have a massive epidemic of eating disorders as people accept the advertisement of body shapes that do not exist anywhere in nature.
There are two types of people who see an airbrushed magazine cover that represents nothing real about a person and think "that's beautiful"
Pathetic people and children who don't know any better. Our parents were pathetic, and we had to grow up before we could begin to learn any better.
Me and my bf have been giving each other love notes, but should i bring it up to the next level and what should i get him? Thanks for reading : ) (link)
Do something for him. Something you spend little or no money on. Guys appreciate gifts of time and attention more than material things. Makes us feel special.
Ever heard the saying guys are like dogs? It's true. Usually when people say it they're implying we hump anything that moves and sometimes things that don't (pretty true) but for you it's more in the "Few things in life are better than a scratch behind the ears and rubbing our heads" kinda way.
Sit him on the floor in front of you while you're on the couch or something, put on a movie he loves, and rub from his shoulders up his neck to his scalp and back for a few hours. Do this regularly, he'll basically be putty in your hands afterwards.
Well, let's start 2 years back. My boyfriend and I began dating early 2012, his daughter was just over a year old at this time. Well, his ex at this point had moved an hour and a half away with her new boyfriend and their daughter. I didn't understand the situation too well at the moment so I stayed out. I saw him angry and upset on the phone nearly everyday. After 6 months of dating my boyfriend took me on a drive to meet his daughter when he picked her up from daycare one day. Of course I immediately fell in love, but I also understood how big this was. Since I met her I have kept in mind how important it is that children don't have people come and go from their lives which is why my boyfriend and I try our best with each other. Well, shortly after I met her I began being harassed by baby mama. We had a "meeting" with her and both out boyfriends. She explained to me how important it was her daughter didn't have people come and go and how there was only one mom and dad. She yelled at my boyfriend right in front of me telling him that he has to stop sleeping with woman and bringing them in and out of her life. Well not even a day later a picture surfaces on Facebook of her boyfriend and daughter that read daddy and daughter. Well they broke up shortly after and since then she has had multiple partners and we have managed to stick together. Much drama has happened and she has said a lot of nasty misleading things. Well 2 years later we have a place and his daughter has her own room and spends a lot of time over here. I love that girl so much and it hit me I have been in her life the majority of it. I feel like a mom, I do all motherly duties like a mom, and I love her like a mom. I don't expect the title mom and I know that. It just drives me crazy that I can't refer to her as my daughter and when people ask who I am I draw a blank. I know it confuses her too sometimes. Well, the other day I was talking to her and she said "everything is not good you are my big sister." It immediately made my heart sink. I know she doesn't understand what to call me and I feel like she was told by her mother to call me sister. (Which to me is even more confusing) I told her I wasn't her sister but that I love her just like her mommy and daddy do and she repeated that I was her sister. Lately not having any title other than my name has begun to be so confusing and frustrating. What can I call myself? What are the boundaries to what I can say? I just know that her and I both find it confusing and I don't know how to explain to her what I am. How have other step mothers. Managed this? Any tips or advice? Because this is emotionally frustrating. (link)
Rahzie is absolutely right.
I am your boyfriend in my own life story. I am dating an amazing woman who has fallen head over heels for my son, and my ex hates that I have a woman living with me who is around my son every time I am. We are being conscientious, this is a woman I plan to marry and have more kids with and our relationship is very serious, and my son is 18 months old so as far as he is going to remember, my girlfriend (eventually wife) will have always been there.
Right now, he knows her by her first name. He's far too young to understand and differentiate between "mom" and "step mom" and so everyone just has a name and right now he knows her by hers.
Her designation is going to change in the future, and we don't know how. It might come up with my ex first where she decides to do what your daughter's bio-mom did and specifically sets a designation for him that applies to you that makes her happy and comfortable.
We'll figure it out, but what is most important right this second is to not create conflict between you and bio-mom. My son and your daughter are not old enough to choose their own designations. There will come a time, and when it comes I will let my son know that he has every right to call my future wife "Mom" too. We'll work that out when it's pertinent, right now what's more pertinent are the roles being understood.
See, there are really three different issues here. Name, label, and role.
Name is what the kid calls you directly, like if she wants your attention. Personally, we're starting my son with my girlfriend's name and then "Ms. Firstname" when he's a little older.
Label, we won't worry about for a while. Mom, step mom, big sister. The only thing we're going to emphasize (and this is what you need to emphasize) is that the kid has a direct relationship with you. "Daddy's girlfriend" is not acceptable, sister should be. It may not be fun and may be confusing to you, but remember that to a kid her age a label is devoid of exterior meanings. She doesn't understand what sister is supposed to be according to society, she only understand what sister is to her.
Which brings us to the third, role. This is where your boyfriend comes in again. It's his job to emphasize the role along with you. You have parental authority, you can say no and he will back you up, you can say yes and that sticks too. Provide the kid with a united front, make sure your boyfriend and you stay on the same page and do not disagree in front of your daughter. It's ok to disagree in private and change a previous decision later, children can understand that, they adapt quickly to the idea that decisions can be subject to change.
We do that with my son and he has figured it out, and now he looks to my girlfriend for permission when I'm not around, and he treats her more like a parent and guardian than a friendly acquaintance. It helps that we provide a very united front, it's little things like knowing limits for him to the point that we both react simultaneously that drive it home.
I had custody this weekend (he doesn't live with me right now) and he reached for something he wasn't supposed to and she and I both reacted at the same moment with an emphatic "No!" He looked between us, got the message, and desisted. She has authority because I have consciously acted to put her in situations to exercise it and back her up when he goes to me like "Daddy she's trying to make me do something and I don't want to, tell me I don't have to!" He's not that good with words, but as a parent I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.
We take turns changing diapers, he knows he can come to either of us with a request and that the answer will be the same no matter which of us he chooses. We both feed him, we both pick him up and hold him. He still shows a strong preference for me in some cases, I'm Daddy and really other than his great grandmother I'm his favorite, but if I tell him I can't pick him up he can understand I'm busy and will go to her, that kind of thing.
It isn't going to be easy. He's going to prefer Daddy possibly all his life, and you won't ever be equal to his bio-mom either if she's a halfway decent parent. But as he gets older he will understand and appreciate the difference between his parents who loved him exactly like he was supposed to and you who loved him for no other reason than that you chose to, and he will value that as well.
But if you can deal with it and work with your boyfriend on being a team with him in front of your daughter, she will adapt to that reality and accept it as normal. She will treat you like mom even if she doesn't use that label or name. And the day may well come when she chooses of her own volition to call you mom, or give you a designation that lets you know she thinks of you as a mother too.
One thing I do think you should have no problem with is setting your own designation for her. She's young, you can be big sister and she can be your daughter. Kids can work with that, and you might want to talk with your boyfriend about calling her your daughter. My girlfriend calls my son her son, and does so in front of him. Whether he picks up mom and starts using it, he is learning that her relationship with him is mostly the same as my relationship with him.
Just remember, the kid's well being is paramount here, even if it makes you uncomfortable or sad. You want to be mom, you want the recognition. There may well be no way for you to get that right now. She's young, she's not old enough to make those decisions for herself. Trying to correct her pits you against what her mother tells her, which is not a fight you want to start at this age. She has to decide mom is wrong on her own, or redefine her own perceptions on her own.
Your job is to behave as a mother, and treat her as if she were your own daughter. So long as she understands and responds to your role, and your boyfriend reinforces it, everything else has to just be allowed to develop on it's own and you have to deal with it as best you can.
Though, if your daughter's mother starts causing trouble like telling her daughter that she doesn't have to obey you, that merits a serious confrontation with both you and your boyfriend present and the daughter not. Don't put up with that shit, and if your daughter comes and directly states that she doesn't have to listen to you because mommy said so, get legal advice on what you can do about that kind of alienation of affection, because by doing that to you, she's hurting your boyfriends status as a father and authority figure.
If that issue ever comes up, find the best custody attorney you can and go get some legal advice on what you can do about it and if it's possible to build a custody case around it, and get the kid away from a bad parent who will use her as a weapon to hurt her ex and her ex's new partner.
My boyfriend is from another country and he is muslim. We have been dating for about 7 months now. He buys me lots of nice things (for no reason) constantly, and he is very sweet. He's always doing and saying nice things to me. He always goes out of his way, and meets my "demands" with things. haha I really care about him a lot.|
The problem, is that he won't tell his parents about me. He says that they will think he is marrying me, and that he is never coming home. I think that is stupid, why can't he just tell him we are just dating? He said they won't understand and he wants to be sure that we are getting married first. Also, because of this he won't post pictures of me on facebook. (he doesn't have any pictures of any girl on his facebook) I asked why can't you just say I'm like a friend from class? & he says I don't understand, & they will wonder why out of nowhere he's put a picture up when hes never done it before..
I don't know, I understand it to an extent. I understand that if he tells his parents, they will think he is never coming home.
All of his friends here know about me, they've seen me, etc. I don't think he is cheating on me. He constantly gives me his phone to use & sends texts in front of me, etc. & I'm with him like all day, every day. He will even send facebook messages in front of me, etc.. I'm really not worried about that. I'd realy like some opinions from people who know about this culture, etc. Because i'm just having a hard time understanding! (link)
The dating thing is a serious cultural issue. Families and marriage work differently, especially in Muslim countries. He isn't going to tell them, really he can't. It's difficult to explain this to someone who's never lived in that culture who hasn't read about it extensively and known people who have lived in that culture who will talk freely about it.
I recommend dumping him for different reasons than Rahzie. If he is refusing to show his parents you even exist after 7 months he comes from a culture that takes marriage seriously and has certain very firm expectations for a woman's role which will be unfamiliar and unwelcome.
As she said, it's not that he's a bad person. It's that he comes from an entirely different culture than you do. Right now he is assimilating to our culture, living by our norms. If marriage comes up, there's something like a 90% chance he will expect you to move to his country with him, and when you do he will expect you to assimilate to his cultural norms.
You need to do a few things if you want this relationship to continue past this point. You need to bring up permanence and where he thinks this relationship is going. If he just likes spending time with you, perhaps sleeping with you, and is having fun dating you, that might be fine with you. It might not. He might just be enjoying the American dating scene, he might seriously be thinking about marriage.
The conversation needs to happen. And you need to make it absolutely clear that under no circumstances are you leaving your country. This is in your best interest, no matter how much you love him you aren't going to love his culture. If you think sexism can be bad in Western culture, you have no idea how bad it can be wherever he is from. If he's from a country where he's not showing his parents he's dating because of the marriage implications, especially if he expects that if you marry him you'd be returning with him to his country, it's not a culture you want to be involved in.
I will repeat that just to be sure. DO NOT MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR THIS GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The laws are different, and you do not want to end up unhappy in a marriage in another country where you cannot legally divorce him and cannot leave the country without his consent.
This is a serious conversation that needs to happen. Is he fine with staying in your country with you? If not, are you both fine with this relationship being something fun for now which will end later on when he has to move back or whatever? There's nothing wrong with that second option, you're 18 and if this guy isn't the last guy you'll ever date that doesn't mean you have to dump him right away.
But you need to figure out where his head is and where yours is. It's been 7 months. It's time for that serious conversation.
I'm 20 years old and my boyfrriend is 24.We are both employed.He never spoils me nor take me out.I only get a present on my birthday.Every month ends he takes his sister 's kids to fancy resturants at the mall,pays the kids 's hair ,gives her sister some cash and the kids but He never does those kinds of things for me.Sometimes I feel like im just a sex made to him and when I tell him how I feel He says I must not copy what is happening on other people 's relationships.What must I do. (link)
No, he must not give you money. Attention, yes. Money, no. If you feel like you're just sex then talk about that. If you feel like you're entitled to more money than his sister and nephews he's absolutely right that you don't get to copy his relationships with his family and you probably need to end the relationship and find someone who's more keen to spend money on you or something.
ok i know its frowned upon to ask the same question more than once but id like some more opinions on this and didnt know how else to do so.
hi, so im a girl but I want the male perspective on this. I have been thinking quite alot about his recently. Im going to present a scenario to you and please just say what you think. please read it thoroughly before answering. if u dont understand what i mean by something its because im leaving it to your interpretation and imagination.
Scenario: You meet a girl, somewhere... maybe your out walking your dog in the park or they live in the room next to you at uni, or in the apartment down the hall and you meet in the laundry room. I don't know, use your imagination. either way, you meet and you like this girl quite a lot. she may not be the stereotypical "attractive" girl but shes your age, kinda cute, very very sweet and kind of..."interesting". You begin spending time with her and begin dating. a couple of months goes by and you dont necessarily ask her right out to make it official but shes told you she loves you and you have said the same. you have NOT slept together at this point but you have kissed, cuddled, spent lots of time together etc. you decide that you are ready to finally have sex with her. as you try to seduce her she will kiss you and let you hold her, cuddle and make out with you but as soon as you try to get your hands under her clothes, even under her shirt to touch her stomach she stops you. after a few instances of this you ask her why and she says" i love you, everything about you and the little things you do that make me better. but i can't... i just can't." as time goes on this continues and you're realizing that she is down with cuddling, kissing, hanging out, etc and really likes sleeping in your bed with you ( in her pjs.) but there is no way she is, or will seemingly ever be comfortable with... yes boys... sex. you can have everything but( by the way sex in this instance includes all forms of sexual activity. intercourse, outercourse, anal, oral hand jobs, and the like.) the only issue is, you`ve fallen hard for this girl... other than her severe paranoia of sex, she is everything you could've ever dreamed of. would you stay with her? or would you leave? how would you talk to her about it? what would you say? etc etc.
Most guys would eventually walk. You said there's no way you are or seemingly will ever be comfortable with sex.
Even Christians and "wait until marriage" lines imply that sex is going to happen eventually. Being completely unwilling to engage in any form of sexual activity isn't something even that group of people want to deal with.
If you're paranoid about sex that's a problem you should see a therapist about. If you have no sex drive that's one thing, being afraid of it is another, and it's being afraid that you've framed for us here.
Most guys aren't going to fall hard for a girl if the sex thing is on the table from the start. If it's hidden from them until after "I love you" then it's still going to end up being a dealbreaker. If you can't be sexual with someone, and the person who is with you wants to be sexual, that person is going to leave you. It's really that simple. Human sexuality is an absolutely vital part of relationships for everyone who is not paranoid, and no one is going to date you if they can't eventually sleep with you unless that person has no desire to sleep with anyone, ever.
Cuddling isn't enough for 99% of the human population. And if you're paranoid about sex and have no intention of ever having sex with someone that needs to come out early on. You will face alot of rejection, guys will walk as soon as you say that or will stick around hoping to change your mind. The need to be honest is on your side so that the average guy can know from the start that you are not compatible with him.
Put simply, you have every right to choose to not have sex. You don't have the right to hope that a guy will change his expectations for sex for your benefit any more than a guy has a right to expect you to have sex because he likes you and wants to do that with you. You need to be clear on your expectations and limitations. And you need to be prepared to walk away yourself when you know sex is something a guy needs and you can't meet that need.
Or you need to find a way to be ok with sex, because I can tell you that being afraid of sex is an excellent recipe for being alone. Sorry, that's just how it is. People expect sex from partners. That's how most people work. And you are not everything the vast majority of the world could ever dream of if you do not want sex.
The situation you framed for us is dishonest. Pay attention to this. You talk about dating someone for several months and it's not until they try to have sex with you that it comes out that you will not be doing that. If you say I love you to someone without having already established your sexual boundaries long ago, you have lied to the person you are dating by omission.
Those kinds of selfish breaches of trust are mostly unforgivable.
okay. so recently i have become "popular". and now all of a sudden people have been starting to hate me. i'm finally where i want to be, but i dont want to deal with stuff that other people put me through because of this recent "change". personally, i'm a very pretty girl. i have a lot going for me. and i dont want this effecting my school work. i havent dropped any of friends in this recent "change". but i am so sick of being told i shouldnt have made it as far as i have. i should stop going to school. i'm only popular because im "hot" and have a "nice body". how do i stop this? or atleast learn to ignore it..? (link)
The first step to acceptance is understanding.
Women are bombarded with messages about beauty throughout their lives, and are especially vulnerable to it before late teenage-hood and adulthood. Men are bombarded as well, but often times with completely different messages.
One of the messages that is common is that beauty makes up a very significant portion of a woman's value to those around her. It's a powerful message, because our society has been structured so that it is pretty true. A beautiful woman gets advantages in some ways over other women.
This naturally results in jealousy. But more than that, people often become uncomfortable around people that they perceive have greater value than they do. Men are not immune to this. A man can see a beautiful woman and want to tear her down, because he feels his value is lower than hers and wants to rectify that feeling. If he tears you down, he doesn't feel inferior anymore.
And all of it is based on our perceptions which have largely been shaped by things other than our own opinions. If you look at the advertised beauty standard, then look at the number of women who fall inside it, you'd think most women would never get laid. Reality is that there are alot more things that make up attraction than appearance and alot more bodytypes that are widely considered to be beautiful than advertisers want to admit.
See, advertising doesn't work if beauty isn't rare and exclusive. They can't sell you things to make you look more beautiful if you feel beautiful already without them. And it gets into everything. Shows, movies, music, popular culture. These advertised standards have taken over public perception of women to a degree that is incredibly alarming.
I'll take a moment to apologize for how long this is getting and will continue to get. I'm wordy, and there's alot to explain here.
So let's bring this back to your situation. First, the women around you.
Girls feel jealous, because you were lucky enough to win the genetic lottery. They have been told all their lives that compared to you, they are worthless. That nothing they ever do can let them measure up to you just being attractive. It sucks, to be in that position. There are literally tons of adult women who in their 20s and 30s and 40s look at a woman who is abnormally attractive by societal standards and feel ugly. She might be married to a man who thinks that his wife's body type is his personal preference for perfect body type, and you might not match his preferences at all, and she might know that, and STILL feel like her value is lower just from knowing you exist in her world.
It's insidious. Because it's all exclusionary. If you don't have X quality, you are not beautiful. People magazine doesn't go around talking about how a certain actress is really personable and fun to meet and treats people kindly. You read about her new diet or the things she said at some point that sound horrible in some way (even if they have to completely remove context to manage it)
It's all negative. And it all destroys self confidence. And women look at you and see you doing decently well in school while being more attractive by a standard they've been taught to value than they themselves will ever be, and they want to tear you down.
They don't know any better, and they are suffering just as much as you are. In different ways, but just as much as you are.
The best solution I can offer you is to try to emphasize to others what you have in common. Finding common ground is the way you bridge the differences between people. They might try to compete. Basically, "You don't have it as bad as I do, at least you're beautiful."
Don't ever let yourself get sucked into that argument. It's not about who has it worse, it's about being able to understand each other. Be the kind of person who tries to increase understanding among others, and it'll go a long way towards helping you bond with people. It'll also show you the people not worth your time, the ones who are more invested in making you feel like shit because they have no desire to understand anyone. All some people want is to feel on top of the world, and have taken the lessons in worth I talked about to heart and use them as a weapon to tear others down to somewhere they can be looked down on.
Which is where we get into the men's side of it. Men are taught to damage women. These messages, like the beauty messages, are pervasive.
We finally have a society that has matured enough to be able to talk about rape. And in talking about it, we find it's a hell of alot more common than anyone wants to believe. Men used to be taught quietly that you can get away with raping someone. It was the hushed conversation with friends who told them that they should totally go take that girl who is so drunk she can't see straight up to bed because she's not going to say no at any point in time. It was the family that hushed up the sexual abuse of a young girl by an older male family member.
Now it's in statistics you can google. It's in national news stories where the girl in Stubenville gets drugged and gangraped and the police don't even investigate it until it goes viral, and then two of the many people who had sex with her that night get two years each "because they had such promising lives and they just made a mistake"
It's in the "boys will be boys" attitude expressed by people protecting a group of guys who were publicly known as "the rape crew"
It's in a guy who got 30 days for raping a 14 year old who later killed herself while female teachers invariably get sent to state prison for serious terms of incarceration.
It's in our families, where boys grow up watching mom get abused and disrespected and mom can't or won't do anything about it. It's in our media where sexist messages abound.
The thing about guys that makes these messages so detrimental is that we are privileged.
I have been at least a little overweight all my life. My body has a slow metabolism and even if I were in exquisite shape I'd still be about 40 lbs heavier than the designated "healthy" weight because I'm 6'2 with broad shoulders and a heavily muscled build.
I've heard more fat jokes than you'd probably believe exist, all directed at me. It was the easiest thing, and as you might have noticed assholes tend to be lazy about it. They don't want to have to think about their insults, so fat just kept coming up even when I was in good shape (I played sports)
I have never considered suicide because I felt fat. When they put Brad Pitt up on screen with his ridiculous abdominal definition they didn't have 3500 dollars per month worth of products to sell me to make me look just like him. I didn't grow up being told that my skin would eventually not be good enough on it's own or that I needed plastic surgery to reshape parts of my body that aren't good enough.
In that way, I am privileged. I am a guy who has been through some pretty severe body shaming, but the effect it had on me is not a tenth of what it can do to a girl, because society rates me far more in value for things I can accomplish, as opposed to things that I just intrinsically am. It gives me agency, the power of choice to try to increase my value or to decide that I am fine as I am.
And that power gives me an advantage over literally every woman I will ever meet. Because I can, should I choose to, use these things against women and they cannot do the same. I can insult a woman's appearance without fear because if she insults mine my natural response is "so?"
Not saying that I do do this, not at all. But the point here is that if I wanted to do it I could do it, and do it easily.
Which is what the guys around you are doing. On some level, they have come to understand the power dynamic that exists between men and women. And obviously, this dynamic exists for more than just appearance. Men can shamelessly enjoy sex, where as a woman is told that there is some point between prude and slut that she is supposed to maintain. In reality, those two words are not judgements. They are weapons.
I mean, most people like sex. Alot. Asexuality and low libido both exist, but they aren't the majority. You can point at three out of four women anywhere on the planet and they like sex or at least the idea of it, assuming they're puberty age or older. Even the most devout Christians can like sex in what they consider to be the proper context (marriage)
So what are those weapons for? Slut is to tell you that you like sex too much. Prude too little. It's entirely arbitrary. Too much or too little compared to what?
Compared to literally nothing. There isn't even a standard there. There is no magical point of "you love sex exactly enough and you are neither a slut nor a prude" There is only words used to tell women that sex lowers their value no matter what they do.
Where am I going with this?
What do you think would happen if as soon as children came to understand that dead people stay dead, every child was issued a loaded handgun? If you told a 9 year old "this is a thing that can make people you don't like go away and never come back" and followed it up with alot of messages that there were zero consequences for shooting someone?
Can you imagine how fast kids would be blowing each other away?
It's the same with shaming and degrading. Boys are handed weapons which most women are severely conditioned to respond to. Girls are raised to feel ugly, and when boys understand this they use that against you. They face little to no consequences for using these weapons. I mean, from a guy's perspective, it is not impossible to get angry at a woman and decide to rape her in retaliation and figure out how to get away with it. Most men are not that malicious, but the ones that are occasionally do just that and get away with it.
That's a shitload of words. Sorry again.
The last factor here is empathy. Not everyone develops empathy to a significant degree, but it takes time and abstract thinking to grow the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It takes life experiences which teach you exactly how shitty the world can make you feel to understand what it's like for others.
By 12 years of age the average person is beginning to develop the kind of abstract thinking abilities (this is directly tied to brain development) that allow them to understand others in this way. The more intelligent you are the younger that can skew, but then if we look at the average age that a child is old enough to understand the weapons I talked about and how to use them, we're looking at 8 or 9 years old.
And it takes years to develop a true sense of empathy, one that affects your actions on a subconscious level.
So you're basically stuck in a place full of children who are armed with weapons which they are to some degree unable to understand the effects of. This is why you see "guys in middle school are assholes"
It's not that guys just magically turn into dicks when we hit puberty. It's that we can use the weapons against others long before we have personally important reasons not to. And then people grow up, and many guys grow to understand, and things get better.
Also, high school gives alot more leeway than any other aspect of life. Adult men know they can't tell a girl "You're a slut and the only reason you got that promotion is your body" and expect to have a job the next day. So, while some guys grow up, others eventually learn that you can't get away with that shit the way you used to and have to modify their behavior enough that most women who interact with them are not subject to their bullshit.
Whew. That's alot of words.
It sucks, because there's no escaping it for you. I wish that wasn't the case, but the same way some women will be told all their lives that they aren't attractive enough, as soon as you are attractive you immediately become too attractive. Just like slut and prude, these are weapons. We even have a standard! We can describe what an attractive woman is (by the standards of advertising and societal perception) in fairly detailed terms down to the type of eyebrows she should have. And yet, the standard is completely irrelevant because even if you match every part of it to perfection you're simply labeled as too beautiful which comes with labels like bitchy, stuck up, conceited, spoiled, etc.
Dealing with it starts with understanding where it comes from. When you understand it, it's easier to not be angry at people for their ignorance. For not having the understanding or maturity to let you be you, and them be them, and have it all be ok.
Someday you will be an adult, and you can choose to surround yourself with people for whom your beauty is largely irrelevant. Until then, you just have to accept that people will say shit and you can't stop them.
But you can try to have conversations. Try to find things in common with others. You can be one of the people who starts the conversation "this sucks for everyone" and try to see if there's anyone open to a little understanding.
When you find people like that, hold onto them. Good friends can be hard to find.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. lately I've been feeling like he's holding me back. |
I've always wanted to travel and do things with my life. I never wanted to be the settle down get married and have kids type. Right now I work 50 hours a week, I'm barely scraping by. I'm 21 and I haven't done anything with my life at all.
My boyfriend has just graduated college. He lives with me and doesn't have a job, and I'm supporting him, paying all the rent and bills and food and all that. So I can't afford to go out with friends and stuff. Which, for him is totally ok, becuase he's the type that likes to stay in and watch movies.
I just feel that if I stay with him, I'm stuck with this boring life forever. But I do love him for his humor, his personality, his intelligence, the sex is great, and many other things. He is a really great guy. I'm afraid that I've been with him for so long that I've gotten comfortable and wouldn't know how to be with anyone else.
I'm just so lost right now and I don't think this little explanation does it justice. I don't know what to do. Any and ALL feedback would be great.
If you're working 50 hours a week to support a household and are succeeding but just barely, you do not exist within the financial circle that you get to have the exciting traveling life.
This is more about you than him. You feel trapped by your life, not your relationship.
What's with the job thing on his side? You said just, it's September and he graduated in May? Is he job hunting?
Personally I think you need a new plan for yourself, and nothing you've said lets me know whether this relationship would work or not work.
But your problem now is that you're realizing that adult life is mostly glamorless. You had a bunch of adolescent fantasies about how your life would be, but you have not lived a life which set you up to be a professional who travels for work or to have the money to travel for fun.
Can that change? No idea. But if that's what needs to change, that's what you need to figure out. Don't put your unhappiness on your relationship here, because everything you've expressed says that the problem is yours and yours alone at this point.
It's not even defined. You want to travel and "do things with your life" but you don't even have things to list. You don't actually have a dream here, so what exactly could your relationship be holding you back from? If you were in here saying "I have this plan and my life is unsustainable with him in it, here are the problems he causes which detract from my ability to deal with the world around me in a healthy and effective manner" it would be different.
You are chafing under adult responsibility. Yeah, you seem to resent that he isn't contributing to the household. That's fine, it's a problem it sounds like you have not addressed to him and need to. So go take care of that and have a serious conversation about it.
Beyond that, if he goes out and gets a job and contributes and you can afford to go out and you still feel like this, it has nothing to do with him. If you want to get out more, express that need. See if he can recognize and change his habits to make you happier.
The best relationships are comfortable. That doesn't mean they're absent passion. You said the sex is great, so yours obviously isn't either. If you crave the adrenaline rush of excitement it's not his job to provide you with that. It's his job to go out with you to find some of it and experience it with you. But there is also a point to be made that it's not your relationship's job to satisfy every need you ever have. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, sometimes you have to make your own changes to make yourself happy without depending on someone else to give you the motivation or a plan and without resenting them if it blows up in your face.
That's how life works.
Oh and last, great sex isn't required for every relationship, just for all the relationships where someone brings up sex as a positive or negative of the relationship in conversation.
If you both don't care, sure, sex can be sacrificed. You care. Good sex isn't optional. Nor is it a byproduct of a good relationship by default. The more you like sex, the more sexual compatibility is important. So, say, for me, it's absolutely critical. Bad sex is an absolute deal breaker, I cannot look at someone with attraction if they aren't good in bed.
There's nothing wrong with that, either. I'm allowed to have my own individual needs in a relationship, so are you. Ignore people who tell you that things which are a priority for you shouldn't be.
Thing is, you also have to be aware that they are YOUR priorities. They matter most to you, and you have the most responsibility by far to see that your priorities are met.