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Is this father molesting his son?
I was out to dinner with a friend from work and his 9-year-old son. I've known the man for 2 years and this was the first time I'd sat down with his son for a long period of time (by the way, I don't know what the situation is with the mother and believe it or not I haven't asked in 2 years). Anyways, the kid was a jolly little man. Precocious, very respectful, he knew how to engage with adults. After dinner, they both (his son insisted) invited me to the house for a late night drink/chit-chat. I had nothing to do the next day so I followed them over for the hell of it. After about 10 minutes, dad suggested that his son go to bed to which he replied the following: "can we do a bath first?" The WE in that sentence is what initially struck me as odd. The conversation continued something like this: Dad: "I don't think so tonight kiddo, we have company" Son: "Please? I can't ever sleep if you don't give me a bath." So now I knew the dad GAVE his 9-year-old son a bath every night. Being a self described reasonable person I thought "maybe he's a little old for that, but I guess it's not unheard of." So the dad says "I can't just leave our guest down here alone," to which the boy replied "she can come with." I was taken aback by this, and the dad looked at me and after a moment said "Would you mind?" Not really knowing what to say, I replied with "whatever makes him happy." The kid shot me a smile and the father told him to go upstairs and turn the water on and that we'd be up in one minute. He complied, and once he was out of earshot I was humorously asked "you don't mind seeing my kid naked, do you?" I replied "no," and that was an honest answer. He was an (overly?) innocent 9-year-old kid, what did I care? After all, we were all guys. However, I couldn't hold myself back. I asked "But can't he just do it himself? He's 9 after all." The dad replied "He can, but he always has preferred me to do it. I guess he just likes the company, and it's a nice time to bond and talk about the day." All seemed well to me, so I shrugged and ascended the steps. I'll add this: when I was growing up washing was a private thing at a very early age, so this was new to me. We got to the bathroom, the tub was running half full and this cherubic little being was waiting for us. I took an empty chair and watched. Father says "alright kiddo, arms up". The shirt came off, then the jeans, and finally his shorts. He picked his naked son up and put him in the tub, telling him to soak for a bit. I didn't let it show, but I was astonished. This kid had no modesty at all, I was a total stranger! It was half odd, half cute. The soap was then brought out and the washing began. He started with his hair, and eventually told him to stand up so he could wash his body. All while this was happening we were striking up normal conversation, asking him about school, his friends, teasing him about girls, whatever. His father was lathering soap on him head to toe, back and front. I noticed that he skipped the penis on the way down. Naturally, when he got to his feet I felt that was the end of it. Then, my main problematic incident occurred. He went back up and with his hands, washed his son's penis. It wasn't any different from the rest, it's just that I've always thought that was a no-touch area. But the kid didn't even blink! In fact, he was mid sentence when it happened and he didn't bat an eye! It lasted maybe 5 seconds, so it wasn't excessive. However, it really caught me by surprise. To conclude things, he picked up and dunked his son under the water (to the colossal amusement of the child I might add), took him out and dried him off. We brought him to his room and got his pajamas on. His dad kissed him good night, they said "I love you" to each other and we went downstairs, talked for about an hour longer before I went home. This overall was a strange, new experience for me. I don't think I've ever seen a father and son get along that well first of all, and of course the whole bath time at age 9 was strange to me while seemingly all in good fun. But the only part of it that really bothers me is the dad touching his son's penis. I mean, is he molesting his son when he does that even if the son doesn't care and it only lasts a couple seconds? Would any of you consider that to be sexual abuse?
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It's not molestation in any legal sense. It's not exploitation, and not abuse.
Frankly, if this father was exploiting his child, he would have had the sense to hide it from you. Very, very, very few people who abuse children display their abuse openly. They know what they are doing, and hide it.
Is it inappropriate? On a few levels, yes, but not solely because he touched the child's penis. That's normal enough when bathing a child. I don't think bathing the child is really the right way for a father to be engaging with a nine year old, certainly not with guests present as well. It's not sexual exploitation, and it's probably not even harmful, it's just not the best of choices that can be made to help a child feel secure and develop a healthy sense of self reliance and body awareness.
Basic bathing and washing are skills most children learn by five or six years. I don't think he's helping his son at this point. He's only preventing those skills from being developed. (Of course, for all I know, his son has a developmental delay or cognitive issue that makes bathing unsupervised unwise. Situations certainly do exist when a nine year old would need to be bathed.)
It is a matter of opinion (mine, and I think most other peoples) on parenting, but I'd agree with Witty that this sounds like it's coming from a place of overindulgence by the father, which means it's likely to stop as soon as the son puts a stop to it.
Frankly, I wouldn't speak to the father about this. You were obviously uncomfortable, and next time you'll know you don't want to be present at bath time, but your assumption that any touching of the child's penis by their parent is equal to molestation or abuse is taking your discomfort much too far, and your intense feelings will likely leave your friend feeling like you've attacked him. You've got no call to do that. Unless you can share your opinion respectfully (that it's probably high time for the child to bathe on his own) then don't share it at all.
Your friend has made a very poor parenting choice, but like many poor parenting choices, it's not a crime. If you see something else that concerns you, it might be worth contacting child services, but on the basis of this alone, I don't think there is any reason to believe abuse is happening.
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This is not child abuse. Neither is it normal for a nine year old to be bathed by his father. The lack of modest is not really a bad thing though given what is going on in the world to day the child needs to be made aware. That being said there is information missing that could cause me to say differently about what is normal or may be necessary.
Obviously the mother is not in the picture. Why not and how long ago she left the picture is missing. How much of a trauma was suffered by the boy because of the missing mother? Needs to be answered. Yes the child was well mannered that does not leave out other disabilities that might effect him. It could be the reason the mother is not in the picture.
All of these questions need answers before you decide what is normal as apposed to required. If you are a close enough friend to this person you might try to find out the answers to these questions before you decide if family services need be contacted.
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Good lord, no, that's not sexual abuse.
The penis is not "a no touch zone" unless you're ridiculously uptight. Ever had a family member injured to the point that they cannot bathe themselves? Hand injuries and the like?
Sexual abuse is exploitative. This is not exploitative.
What that is is overly indulgent. It sounds like a dad on his own just kinda went along with whatever his son wanted and never learned to say no, and so his son hasn't detached in normal healthy ways from parental involvement in daily tasks (like bathing)
This is about as alarming as a 9 year old who cries for his parents after a nightmare or who wants help getting dressed or something similar. From the parent and child's perspective, this is simply part of their routine.
Is it healthy? Not necessarily. He had company, and his son wheedled to get what he wanted, and he relented and you all went up so he could give his son a bath. A 9 year old child should be more independent than that. This isn't a "well some kids are just like that" situation, this is specifically a "you should have taught him to be more self reliant and independent than this and it's going to bite you in the ass later in his life" situation.
Kids not having modesty is fine. Kids being close to their dads is fine. Kids being bathed in a neutral way by their parents is not something you should freak out about, but obviously this guy sucks at asserting parental authority.
I mean, my son is 2 and he's learning to bathe himself. Encouraging kids to learn to do things on their own is part of being a parent...
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