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My Stepdad Suddenly Rubbed My Stomach
Last night, my mother went to bed early and it was just me and my stepdad in the kitchen. As I was preparing myself to take my medication, he came up, pulled my shirt up and started rubbing my stomach while I had my back turned. Should I be nervous? What does it mean?
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Maybe give some free advice about: What does it mean??
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Onto your question.
Directly inappropriate.
He isolated you, he approached at a moment of vulnerability, and he initiated an action which was not at all normal which you have no explanation as to why he would do that.
Moving your shirt out of the way is a direct indicator that what he was doing was not for you. Not when such things are not established gestures of affection between the two of you or there is not a direct reason that was explicitly understood between you for that action. He approached when your back was turned, when you were unable to directly assert disapproval of his actions.
Take a deep breath before you read the next part.
This was a precursor to sexual abuse.
He approached at a vulnerable moment to initiate skin to skin contact at a time when there was no one else present to witness what he did. He created a situation in which he could touch you without your consent and have some level of deniability later.
You should tell your mother, and you should tell her it made you uncomfortable. That will hopefully stop it, but you have a larger problem that he has directly shown _predatory_ behavior. How other people responding to this cannot see that, I don't know. He exhibited a shitload of tell tale signs, things that show his intentions.
The purpose of this touch was to gauge your reactions. To begin with something small, potentially innocent, and deniable. Something he can minimize if it comes up, and then stop to keep himself from getting into trouble. If you had responded positively or completely passively, he would, guaranteed, escalate the physical contact in sexual directions.
Guaranteed.
That is what he came for. Those are his intentions. To see if you will allow him to initiate sexual contact by starting with non sexual contact. This behavior is known as grooming.
Read the following websites please.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
All three of these have information you need to read, particularly the last two.
One thing that gets pointed out several times is that it can be very difficult to differentiate a predator from a genuinely caring caretaker. How do you tell?
The caretaker is transparent. When they do something, you understand why, because the actions are part of a mutual understanding between the caretaker and child which are acceptable to others outside of the relationship with the caretaker and the child. A step father who is engaging in normal comforting physical contact between themselves and a step son or step daughter does not do anything in private that they would not be comfortable doing in front of the child's parents or perhaps other family.
An example, many young children kiss their parents. Teaching a young child to give a simple kiss is almost always completely innocent, and it's one of the first simple ways a child can be introduced to ways that they themselves can show others affection. I have a son who isn't 2 yet, he kisses everyone he likes and trusts. It's a simple method for him to share normal affectionate interactions with others. He kisses me, his mother, his step mom, his grandmothers and aunts and cousins. And he does this in front of anyone. A key point of this, is that these actions can be taken in front of anyone. He can ask for a kiss or a hug or something similar in a store, at a family gathering, or alone with a trusted caretaker. These actions are completely innocent, and no one feels any need to hide this under any circumstances because it is understood by everyone involved in his life that this is an innocent expression of affection between my son and his caretakers.
A predator does things which are "secret" and "special" which you may not always be able to explain, exactly as this happened. They do things in private that they do not naturally do around other people.
There are four huge glaring warning signs to this.
First, he initiated contact when you were vulnerable. Not just when you were alone, but when your back was turned to him. By initiating this contact with your back turned to him, he directly denies you the ability to consent to the touch or to communicate your needs and desires about the contact to him. You could not let him know it was acceptable, and he did not care whether or not it was acceptable. That is exactly why he did this while your back was turned. That is what that behavior menas.
Second, he initiated contact which there was no previous understanding of or context for. You were taking your medications, which sounds like a routine activity which has absolutely nothing to do with your stomach in any way. You were in the middle of a routine daily activity, not sick or in any way needing special attention from him. And there is no understanding on your part as to why this was done. You do not know what it means.
There are times when a caretaker and a child have established standards of behavior which are harmless but which fall outside of general norms of behavior. Things which are acceptable and innocent and understood between the caretaker and child and others in the child's life which are not understood outside of the context of people who know the child and understand that child's needs.
Example of that? Neck massage. There is a bit of implied intimacy to such an action. Not necessarily sexual in any way, but still a comfort with contact and an understanding of what the contact means. A loving caretaker who gives a child a neck massage is not going to just walk up and randomly do it for the first time and leave the child with no context or understanding as to why. Instead, understanding will be explicitly established. A normal step father might ask his step daughter if she wants a neck rub after a strenuous physical activity or at another time of stress when she is going to be suffering from tension which can be relieved. Even if it serves no purpose other than to relax together and establish a bond, that purpose will be communicated both ways and understood, and it will be acceptable to others outside of just the caretaker and the child. A step father who gives a massage that is innocent will have no problems sitting his step daughter down on the floor in front of his chair and giving her a neck massage while the family is all in the living room together watching TV, by example.
Third, and very, very alarming. His initiated physical contact was an act of trapping you. He stood behind you and reached around you. Combined with the isolation and lack of mutual understanding, this becomes something that is directly predatory. He was behind you and his hand was in front of you. One arm wrapped around you. Turning around to face him becomes difficult. Escaping the embrace would have been even more difficult. He provided you with no real options to escape what he was doing outside of potentially initiating confrontation.
That has direct connotations of control. He physically controlled your potential responses by making you fight his actions with your own in order to stop him.
Fourth, he showed a desire to penetrate protective barriers. Namely, pulling your shirt up before touching you skin to skin.
Now, in some contexts that might be normal. If I give a back massage to someone, even a friend, I will pull their shirt up and if it's a woman I will ask her if I can unsnap her bra. She will be face down, nothing will be exposed, and there is an explicit understanding between us of what the massage means. The clothes are simply in the way of me actually giving an effective back massage, I can't work out a knot under a bra strap through a shirt. It's just not going to happen.
Remember the above stuff though? I will have an understanding with the person and ask for consent. I will give them the option of me doing these things before I do it, or let them know directly that in order for me to give them a massage this is required, and ask if that's what they want. They won't wonder why I'm taking their shirt up their back or undoing their bra. They will know, and be ok with it, or I won't do it at all.
None of that happened here, to the point that you were uncomfortable with it and here asking us about it. Because at no point before, during, or after did he actually communicate his intentions.
Why do you think he didn't communicate his intentions?
Because his intentions are not things he can state outright to you. His intentions are something he cannot guarantee a good response to without grooming you.
His intentions are sexual. I promise you, they are sexual. He wants to evaluate your potential acceptance or resistance to him escalating physical contact to find some way to gratify some urge he has directed at you.
I know people. I have worked with abused people. I know the signs of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and the signs of predators. You didn't write much, but you wrote enough. These actions speak volumes to someone who knows how to read the signs. Any one red flag might have been innocent. The four things I just pointed out to you taken together equate to a sexual predator 99.9% of the time.
So now that I've explained this in detail and you hopefully understand what is going on, you need to bring this up to your mother in private. You need to explain what happened and how it made you feel. And then you need to request that she tell her husband not to do what he just did ever again, and she needs to make this request while you are in the room.
Demand that. You do not want him alone with her where he can say whatever. Don't argue with him unless he lies directly like claiming it never happened.
Pay attention to his behavior. If he admits to it and apologizes for crossing your boundaries, pretends it was innocent and he just made a mistake, he will probably leave you entirely alone now that he has been called out. Admitting to the full detail of what happened and pretending he just didn't know any better is usually akin to giving up. Saying "I can admit to this because I am smart enough to never try it again, so it won't ever be an issue in the future"
If he minimizes it, tries to pretend you misinterpreted it or that it never happened, if he lies and tries to convince your mother that you are lying about this, you are in legitimate danger. It means you have a cunning manipulator.
If he tries to convince your mother that what happened didn't or didn't happen the way you told her it did and ignores you, you might be dealing with a direct rapist. Someone who will isolate you and then force himself upon you and deny it later.
If he tries to convince you, specifically, that you were wrong about what happened and that it should be ok or that it was ok, that means he is a predator who wants to entice you into willing participation and has not given up on doing so.
I have one further request.
I told you to tell your mother. I ask, also, that you show her this post I just made. Ask that you ask her to read every one of the links I posted.
If I am at this moment addressing the mother of the young woman who posted this question, take note here. There are serious dangerous signs in your house of a potential abuser and sexual predator. The actions he took were direct grooming of your daughter, a first evaluation of her willingness to comply with his wishes or at least remain passive towards him.
I would consider keeping watch and not addressing this behavior directly to him again. Why?
Because in your situation I would be divorcing him as soon as possible. I would get him the fuck away from my child, excuse my language. I am absolutely 100% sure, but you are just reading the words of a stranger on the internet.
IF your daughter is willing, keeping this between the two of you might give him the idea that he can get away with this. He will do it again, he will escalate and try to go further. He will, if you keep your eyes open and keep quiet, give you evidence which will prove to you that I am right. He will convince you that you need to remove your family from his presence and this situation.
I would also consider speaking to police, if you're willing to. Probably not, but if this guy gets divorced then he might find another mother with another daughter who he can try this on. If police become involved you might be able to send a genuine sexual predator to prison.
I know this is upsetting. Do what is right for your daughter. Protect her, however you see fit. Involve your daughter in the decision. This is her life too, and this is her safety, and if she is old enough to come and ask the internet for help interpreting behavior which disturbed her she is old enough and has enough perception and judgement to have a say in how this goes forward from here. If your daughter wants him out of the house, I think that you should find a way to give her what she needs.
If either of you has further questions you can send me a message, if you would like to take this discussion off of the website I am willing to do that. If I can help prevent abuse I would be happy to give you my time and the benefit of my experiences. I am not a therapist, I am not a professional counselor, but I do know very well what I'm talking about, and would be willing to help or advise however I can.
:Edit:
Last. If your mother reads this and dismisses all of it, do as adviceman suggested and bring this up to a school counselor. I do not care if your mother says you should not, forbids you to do so, or has any other reason to "keep this in the family"
If she does not take this deadly serious, go around her. If you let your mother read this, she needs to read this part too. Parents sometimes stand by in denial and let abuse happen, not wanting to disrupt their own lives. I do not know anything about your family situation.
Taking the step to involve someone outside your family if you are not getting the support you need inside your family IS A STEP YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT AS A PERSON TO TAKE. Telling a school counselor now means that if you cannot do anything to stop this, that you establish a beginning to this sequence of events so that if you suffer abuse you can go and tell someone with the power to take action that it has gotten worse and has become something that a DA will actively prosecute over.
If you suffer abuse and your family will not stop it or pretends it does not happen, be prepared to bring the authorities into the situation without the cooperation of family. That means that you need to establish a history of speaking up about this so that you aren't just someone who lies about these things. That is the perception that abusers use. They claim that the child doesn't like them and just wants them gone. That the child just made this up and it should be dismissed. Bringing these things up to an authority, whether a school counselor or your mother, establishes a pattern of behavior of speaking out specifically against touches that make you uncomfortable. If you tell him that touching you this way is unacceptable, doing it again, even just touching your stomach without permission, is legally assault or sexual assault depending upon the circumstances of the contact.
You have legal rights which you can exercise, even as a minor. You have the right to refuse any contact such as this which you do not want. Establishing a history of speaking up about these things gives you credibility when you go and report behavior that is directly illegal.
If your mother is on board, your next step if he is not directly kicked out of the house is to bring authorities into it. Don't use social services. Use police or school officials. Go together. Speaking to a school counselor as a family can help lead you to further resources. A women's shelter will also be a good resource, there are shelters for women and children everywhere and going to speak to a shelter establishes a very strong line of evidence of a serious problem you are trying to address. If this goes to court at any point, that is direct evidence of you trying to fix this problem and not knowing how, seeking people with experience with abuse cases for advice on what to do from here.
If you have to go to a school counselor, show them this post the same way I advised you tell your mother. It will provide them with the background they need to get a ball rolling, and evidence of you going online and asking is court admissible evidence that you thought something was wrong before this escalates into genuine sexual abuse.
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Dear Sweet Soul,
If you felt feelings of discomfort than I would simply ask him to please not touch you like this again. You are in control, always. :-)
Keep your body safe, for it houses your Soul. <3
Much Love, Light, Healing, Blessings to you and all you Love. <3
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I can't say it's inappropriate since touching someones stomach isn't an inappropriate place to touch someone but if he's making you uncomfortable just tell him. If he does it again, tell your mom and ask her to tell him to stop touching you because it makes you uncomfortable even if he means it sincerely and not creepy.
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Obviously this is the first time your stepdad has touched you in such a manner. I cannot tell you if this touch was inappropriate of not. Touching someone's stomach is not consider touching someone' private parts so therefore I cannot classify as inappropriate sexual contact.
Since his touching you in this manner made you uncomfortable enough to write to us and ask if this was wrong of him. Then my answer to that question is yes. No one has the right to touch anyone anywhere they do not wish to be touched. Any touching that makes you uncomfortable is inappropriate.
There are other things that could make this touch more than inappropriate. Such as if you were preparing for bed and you were in just the shirt and panties. Then the touch was sexually inappropriate.. Did he pull you back against him? Again this would be somewhat sexually inappropriate.
My advice is to speak with your mother. Tell her everything. How you were dressed. If he pulled you back against him and if he did could you feel if he was erect. From this your mother can determine if his touch was sexually inappropriate or an attempt at a loving gesture.
If mom does not feel it was a sexually inappropriate touch. You should then tell her to ask her husband not to touch you in this manner as it made you uncomfortable. Your mother should understand and comply with your wishes. If mom says you are being silly; I would then suggest you talk with a trusted teacher at school or your school principal. There are plans in place to protect you that they must follow if you talk to them about things such as this.
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I cant tell you what it means because i dont know why. Speak with him with your mother in the room just let him know it made you uncomfortable.
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