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Attracted to my friend's younger sister...
First of all, thanks for taking the time to read through this. I'll just get straight to the point. I'm a 24 (almost 25) year-old guy, and I have a roommate who's 19. We met at work, and are great friends. When I met his family, I felt a pretty strong emotional pull towards his sister. After a while, I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to her, and so far it seems like the feeling is mutual, though I've not actually asked her about it yet.
Without going through too much backstory, I found out during that time of growing attraction that she's actually sixteen, rather than the 17, close to 18 that I thought. Now, I'm really wanting to do the right thing here, not to mention without landing myself in jail, but my problem is that I've always fallen hard and fast when it comes to matters of the heart, and I'm in a bit of a pickle... I've talked to my roommate, and he's alright with the idea, but I really need some advice as to how to approach this. My gut says to tell her, and stay friends for the next year and a half, but I could really use your advice on this. Also there's the little question of talking to her mom about it...
P.S. In case it's relevant, I live in Arizona.
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Don't make this mistake.
They covered the legal. Here are the other problems.
She's 16. She's not anywhere near where you are in knowing herself. At 24, you have had alot of time to be an adult independent of anyone else, to form your own identity, and to refine yourself into a person you like. At 16, she's barely begun that process and won't really get into it until she's been an independent adult to some degree for a while.
Which means that getting into a relationship with you is going to force her to grow up in ways that make her compatible with an adult relationship with you. Maybe she'll want that at some point, in which case hit on her when she's legal and be friends until then. Maybe not, so don't make it her problem right now because a 16 year old is going to be star struck by a guy your age.
People have to grow up independently of their partners before they're actually ready for a real partner. That's what you're probably ready for. She isn't. If she's got a nice, normal family, she's not on that schedule. The people who are exceptions to the age rule are all people who are naturally placed far outside human norms. People of near genius or genius level IQ who have trouble relating to their peers and are forced to grow up fast. People who have suffered abuse who are forced into the same. People who choose or get sent down life paths that deviate from the standard, normal, and accepted as healthy ways that the average person follows in a process of growing up and maturing.
She needs time. I wouldn't really consider anything until she's in her 20s. Go date people closer to your own age, people who can be ready for what you are ready for. You really like this girl? Give her time to find herself and see if you still like her when she's had the space to figure out for herself who she is and wants to be on adult terms.
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I'm with the other two on this one.
I'm not saying your feelings aren't real or anything like that. It's just, this can get you into a lot of trouble. Even if her whole family loves you and is ok with you dating her, if anyone else finds out, they can report you and you can end up in prison. It doesn't even matter if her parents are ok with you guys together.
The others already mentioned the laws of crossing over the border and all that as well. The law is very strict and won't bend for your situation.
I'm sure she's a mature 16 year old but you're about 8 years older than her.
Even if the law wasn't involved, you both are in different places in your life. She's still a teenager in high school. You both will want different things and have different needs in the relationship.
So, don't bring it up with her. Just stay friends with her and nothing more. If the attraction is still there by the time she is 18, then go for it and see where it goes. If you decide to pursue this now, it can end up a mess.
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Razhie is correct in everything she has said. This girl can be the most mature 16 year old there is still for the next 7 years there are things that at your age you may enjoy doing that she legally cannot do sex notwithstanding.
For the next year and half you cannot cross a state line with her even with her parents permission without violating the Federal Man act. Even if crossing the state line was only to party or gamble. She is too young to gamble, must be 21, though she can party but cannot drink alcohol until 21. There are other travel restrictions that would come into play depending on where you wanted to travel. Marriage would cancel some but not all.
Then there are difference in what you like to what she might like. You have already done all those things teenagers do, she hasn't. She will want to do most of them.
Then there is the question of friends yours and hers. There is going to be a difference in maturity levels you cannot help that. How will your friends take to having someone around who to them may be a child. Her friends may see you as a chaperone.
She may be pretty, intelligent and even mature for her age. Though given an almost ten year difference in age this is not a relationship made anywhere close to heaven for with of you.
Some people feel that age is only a number and in some instances I would agree. If she was say 22 to you 30 or 31 my advice would be different. Given the fact that she is still a teenager, still going through puberty she has yet to experience what you experienced as a teenager.
My advice to you has to be to look at her as your roommate's younger sister and just that. Not as a love interest. Find someone your own age to date. To look at or go after this young girl as a love interest can only hurt her and seriously harm your future as well.
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The age of consent in Arizona is 18.
There are no 'close in age exceptions' in the law, although a 'close in age' argument can be made as a defence, it cuts off when the older individual is more than 24 months older than the younger one.
The 8 or 9 years between you two is not considered 'close in age'.
Which means, for roughly the next two years of her life, having anything more than a friendship with her could land you in handcuffs, then in front of a judge, and finally sent to prison with an arrest record for a sex crime for years afterwards.
Her mother's consent is irrelevant. If fact, if her mother is aware of a sexual relationship between you and her daughter, she could also be found to have committed a crime as well.
Do you really think you two can be 'just friends' for two years with you carrying this kind of torch AND her knowing about it? With all respect, I seriously doubt that was really your goal, and I doubt even more that either of you could manage that.
And here is the deeper truth of the situation.
A sixteen year old is a poor romantic match for you. As lovely and mature as she may be, she is not your peer or your equal in society - not under the law and not in our culture and not in her own mind or yours. If you are a healthy, sensible 25 year old, you will have different expectations and needs from a relationship that a 16 year old will. Both of your needs are valid, but you aren't able to met one another's.
This cannot be a relationship between equals, because you would be trying to communicate across a giant gulf of life experience and power over your own lives (ie, you have lots of power over your life, and she has very little over hers).
Don't tell her.
It's not worth the risk, to either of you.
It's not fair to her, to put in her in a position she is poorly equipped to make sense of legally or emotionally, and to burden her with your feelings for the next two years of her life when she should feel free and guiltless learning about romance and relationships with people who are her peers.
It's also not fair to yourself to turn an infatuation, however deep, into a defining part of your life for years.
Take a deep breath, and get some space away from her. "I've always fallen hard and fast" is a choice, not an justification for a bad idea. Changes your choices now, don't wait until someone is hurting, or worse.
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