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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
ok so about a year ago i read a few of my dads text messages. there were some texts of questionable nature and they were sent to a guy. i told my sister and then we sat down together and told my mom. she confronted my dad who denied it and we all went along with our little lives. then yesterday, i was the only one awake in my house and my dads iPod touch was charging in the kitchen, i proceeded to start playing some apps and what not. but then i got a funny feeling that i should click on the "email" app. so i did. he had 3 different email accounts set up to it, two of them i was familiar with, but i had never seen the third before. so i clicked on it and this is when i wish i would just STOP going through my dads stuff. he had several emails from different guys talking in ways two guys should not talk to each other (especially a married man with FIVE kids!) some emails said what they are into, some talked about meeting up, some said "nice pic, hope to see the real thing". i'm 17, not stupid so i know what they were talking about!
so my dad is bi sexual, obviously! but i don't know what to do! do i tell my mom or confront my dad?? my dad would get pissed that i looked through his stuff and that i am accusing him of this again! my dad is a jerk already, but i don't want him to hate me! i have 3 little brothers ages 7, 5 and 1, all i keep thinking about is how this will affect them if i say something. my youngest brother, we are in the process of adopting him, and i would be devastated if we couldn't adopt him, if they got a divorce. should i wait until September, when the adoption is complete to say something? my sister moved out of state, so i cant talk to her as easily, so she cant help me again.
my dad is always on my case about how i cant be trusted to do things, when he is the one with a secret like this! i have no idea what to do! i have been severely nauseous since last night. i don't want to possibly break up the family by saying something, i would rather this still all be a secret. i would feel so responsible for the divorce if i said something. i just don't know what to do. i am also shocked because we go to church every week, twice a week. my dad just got a position in the youth group...how is he going to teach the youth not to sin when he is committing one of the biggest sins??
i get sick every time i think about my brothers and my mom. i know i cant keep this in because it has been eating me alive and its only been 10 hours since i found out. i don't know what to do..i need help. what am i supposed to do? so much is riding on my family, a divorce would mess everything up. i would lose some of the most important things in my life. help me...please?
also, my dad took his ipod to work with him, as he does every day. so i cant really show my mom, without him around...
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
You say that it is obvious that your dad is bi-sexual; meaning that your mom and dad are still having sexual relations. If your dad is in a gay relationship then you owe it to your mom to tell her if for no other reason than to protect her health. Nothing says your dad is practicing safe sex with his gay partner or your mom. At your age I should not have to explain the health risks your mom is unknowingly confronted by not knowing about your fathers gay relationship(s).
My advice is: If you can forward the Emails to your own Email account. Once you do this your father will know as his account will show that they have been forwarded. You then have two options; Option 1, is to confront your father and tell him either he comes clean to your mother or you will and you have the evidence to prove he is not only cheating but is in a Bi-Sexual relationship. His response to you will most likely be to tell you to mind your own business. Your response would be that this is your business as he is endangering your mother’s health regardless of whether he is practicing safe sex. Option 2, is of course to take your evidence to your mother and let her deal with it in her own manner. If your father agrees to tell your mother and does not do so in what you consider a reasonable amount of time then you move on to option 2 .
I know you are concerned about the adoption and I wish I could ease your concern. I don’t know enough about the laws governing adoptions to do so and I believe they vary from state to state. What I do know is that the longer you wait to get this out in the open the longer your mother’s health is at risk.
Once your mother is informed urge her to see her doctor for a standard STD panel as well as an HIV test. This is just as important as informing her of your beliefs about your dad. Hopefully everything will come back normal. If not the earlier treatment is begun the better chance there is of a good outcome.
I’m sorry you have to be the one to confront this issue. No child regardless of age should ever have to confront such an issue between his parents in a manner such as this. Your father should man up about his sexual orientation and live with the consequences. Should you ever need to vent or want more advice I and others are here to listen and advise you if we can.
I am a 22-year-old female college senior and the "black sheep" of my family. I do not believe my family has a good reason to label me the "bad" daughter when I have never done anything my 25-year-old sister (now a stay-at-home mom) has not done before me. My heart is broken over this. I try and try to do well in life, but somehow nothing I do is ever good enough. I make A's and B's in school and am more financially responsible than most people my age. I don't do drugs, and I drink but I don't get drunk. I'm tired of trying to please them when nothing I try is or will ever be good enough to do so. I don't know if I can ever let go of my bitterness toward my family for treating me this way. If it's relevant, I'm the youngest, which I think may have something to do with it. I appreciate any advice you have to offer on the subject. Thanks
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
Black sheep of the family; I’m not quite sure what that expression really means. Sure we take it to mean the no good member of the family, the underachiever, the slacker, the person always getting in trouble and every other derogatory thing you can think about. But is that really what a black sheep is?
Let’s look at this for another point of view; what is a Black Sheep to a heard of sheep? In reality it is one sheep out of many that has a black coat instead of white. The non-conformist of the group, also the one who’s wool is not as valuable to the farmer. The farmer will lose money; therefore his expectations will not be met.
It may just be that your life ambitions do not meet the expectations your parents have or had for you. Example; this family owns a business which all but one of their children entered into. That child went off and became a world renowned brain surgeon and has saved countless lives. Because he failed to follow his siblings and parents into the family business his family refers to him as the black sheep of the family. This could be the problem; that their ambitions or desires for your future differ from yours.
If you don’t know what the problem is and they won’t tell you; then you need to continue with your goals. Along with that, the only thing you need to do is be a better person tomorrow than you are today. What this means is to continue you to grow as a person, continue and never stop learning. Be open to new ideas, things and places. Enjoy were life takes you and when you are ready find the right person to settle down with and start a family, which is what I think your parents want you to do now not possibly later in life which may be your plan.
Maybe I read too much into what you wrote but if I didn’t then as to the bitterness let it go, it will only hold you back. Finish college and follow you goals and dreams. One day your parents will take pride in your accomplishments. One other thing; your parents may call you the black sheep but that does not mean they do not love you, there is a difference there.
when someone says "if we were playing a role"
mean?
It is like pretending or acting. Not real
15-F
Hi there. So last year me and my dad found out my mom has been cheating on my dad for four years.
She's moving out this Saturday to be with the guy. Obviously my parents are getting a divorce.
My dad always vents to me about things. He says we may not be able to make the bills, and we might have to move from the house I grew up in.
I really, really don't want that.
So I told him to nail my mom for child support, which he would clearly get since I'm staying with him.
But my dad said my mom would try and nail him for alimony.
My question, would the judge really grant my mom that? She's the one who comited adultry in the marrige. My dad is the one who gets to keep the kid. He has to support an underage kid, while deal with his emotional suffering.
I told him that's ridiculous under the circum stances. And he said judges usually favor the woman.
And he said my mom could claim mental, emotion, and/or physical abuse on my dad.
Which is NOT true at all.
My parents NEVER. EVER. fought. Ever. They've only had bigs fights like three times in all my years of living. Aside from now with all that's happened.
I told my dad I would go to court and be his witness if she were to say those things.
And I would call my mother out on her lie.
QUESTION; Would a judge honestly grant my mother alimony checks? Would my dad seriously not win this case?
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
Divorce laws differ from state to state. I doubt you mother would be granted alimony since she is the reason for the dissolving of the marriage. Your father should speak with a lawyer about filing for a divorce on the grounds of Adultery and Abandonment. This is something he should do immediately before your mother files.
As I said each state has different laws regarding divorce. The state I live in is a 50/50 state meaning that all property will be divided 50/50 regardless of who is the cause of the divorce. There is room for negotiation with in the law and certainly a judge could take into consideration the right of a child to continue to live in the home he/she has been raised in.
Again these are legal matters that the average person does not have the required learning or skill to navigate. Your father needs to hire a lawyer who is in the Practice of divorce law which is a separate and specialized practice of the law. Many general practice lawyers say they handle divorces, but like everything else if you want the best go to the specialist. You can always call the local Bar Association for a referral to a Lawyer whose practice is limited or specializes in divorce.
There are a couple of things I would like you to remember while this goes through the process. Things may be said that you might find hurt full. Remember during this time that, and this I pretty sure of, that both of your parents love you. Remember that you did nothing to cause your parents to break up. Try not to choose sides, yes mom is leaving dad, but is she leaving you or is she arranging for time that she can spend with you. If so can you really say she has left you for another man? You may not like the other man and no one is saying you should. But your mother will always be your mother regardless of what happens between her and your dad.
Yes, it is alright, should this end up in court, for you to testify for your dad. Mom may not like it but I’m sure in some way she will be proud that you took the oath and sat there and told the truth. She will be proud because that is the way she raised you. I know I would be if I was in that position and you were my daughter.
i think im bipolar or something, my mom is in complete denial of it but i need help. what do i do now, is there a pill or something to fix me? please. haha
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
Everything the other advisors have replied is right on the mark. Bi-polar disorder is a serious problem that needs to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist who can prescribe the proper medications. Since your mom is as you say “in denial” the following website by, “WebMD” has some useful information that might help both you and your mom decide if your diagnosis is correct: http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-overview-facts.
You have not said why you feel you are Bi-Polar; do you cycle from feeling really giddy to feeling extremely depressed? Does this happen several times a day? These are just a couple signs of Bi-Polar disorder. They are also symptoms manifested by some young girls going through puberty and may be why your mom is in as you say denial. She may not be really be in denial; she is possibly reading your symptoms differently then you are. The website I recommended above, reviewed by both you and your mom, may at least convince mom to have you screened for the disorder then you will both know for sure.
It is possible in some areas to be screened without parental permission. If school has not let out for the summer yet your High school guidance department may be able to screen you. Your County Health Department most likely runs regular mental health screenings, which are free to the public.
If you are this concerned that you are Bi-Polar you should be able to convince your mom to take you to the family doctor for a complete check up as this is going to be required anyway. Your family doctor can do an initial screening and if his results are positive you should refer to a psychiatrist for further screening and treatment.
15/F/NJ
This question has an extremely long story behind it. But I'll only mention the important details.
Me, my friend J, and my ex friend A used to be the BEST of friends. One day, me and J started talking about how A has been acting so different lately. And we were getting tired of it. Long story short, we sat her down and taked to her about it VERY calmly way, I might add. And she did not take it well at all.
So, A turned around on us. The following day she got one of her friends to send me harrrassing texts saying I was,"fucked up." Ect.
I had gotten a Peer Mediation with her and we talked everything out. We both had to sign a paper saying we would cut the crap and leave each other alone.
A few months passed, and in April, A went to our school principle and claimed me and J were harrassing her. The principle told us both that they were Facebook posts, ect, where we were talking about her.
And example of said post, was something along the lines of, "Oh, this is a time I wish we were still friends with A so her mom could drive us to the mall."
And that comment was posted in Feburary. Meaning she got her friends to go through our wall posts and read EVERYTHING just to find some kind of dirt on us. And the reason I say her friends did it, is because I had her blocked from my facebook. So she couldn't see anything on my profile. And neither of us are friends with her on Facebook.
Anyway, me and J were EXTREMELY confused.
Isn't harrassment saying things to the person, calling them names to their faces. Assulting them, ect?
How on Earth is it harrassing just TALKING about the person? Also, it's not like I were talking to some random person. I was talking to J, and she's a part of all this childish drama.
Can someone please list everything that is considerd harrassment? With links, ect? Everything I find doesn't really help me all too much.
And what can happen to someone if another person fasley accuses someone of harrassing them? And in the end it's proven that the accusations were false.
Could you counter-claim harrassment on them?
The law and academia are two different things. The school is interested in keeping peace in the halls of the school and should really not involve themselves in what happens outside of school, but they do.
My best advice is to get your parents involved. This is not something you can handle on your own for no matter how adult you are or in how adult a manner you approach the school system you are still a child.
They may listen to your parents. If the problem is of such a nature that requires a lawyer the lawyer is someone they will listen to because then they have to answer outside the school system. Hiring of a lawyer is something for your parents to decide.
I did answer your questions, you just don't realize it. School systems are not a democracy; it is a form of constituutional dictatorship. You have only those rights they chose to give you. That is why I told you to talk to your parents. Your questions are mute unless you choose to work outside the school system. If you do you still need your parents.
Best advice tightten who can view your posts on facebook and becareful what you say. Have your parents tell the principal to let them handle matters that occurr outside of school. He/she should be concerned with only what happens in school.
I
Ok, this may sound strange, even cliche, but lately I've been getting let down, and right now I'm all out depressed. For no reason! I don't understand! The slightest thing can tick me off, and it's not even something I'd usually get upset over. My mother says it's just "teenage hormones" but I highly, highly doubt that. I'm debating going to the doctors on my own, and asking about some medication I could be put on. It'd be great to not feel this way anymore. I really hate it, and it's wrecking my relationship and friendships. Please help! Thanks!
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
Your mother may be partially right. It could be the changes your body is going through that are causing you to feel depressed. You should see a doctor to be properly diagnosed. If you are old enough to make doctor’s appointments on your own then please do so. Teenage depression is quite common and easily treatable.
Just what cause’s teenage depression I cannot say, I am not a doctor. If you look at this problem from a realistic standpoint it is easy to see some of the stressors a teenager has to deal with. You have all these hormones raging through your body; there are higher expectations of you at school and at home. You have a new social structure to navigate. College expectations come in to play as well. If you are female you have the added stressors of the physical changes in your body to deal with. And this is the short list.
There is nothing wrong in asking for a little help while all this is going on. Medication and talk therapy can help you deal with the changes and the stressors. Help you put things in the proper prospective and to help relieve some of the stress you yourself impose on you.
When your parents and I were your age life was a lot easier than today; when some of us suffered as you are parents said it was something we would grow out of. Some of us did and some of us did not. Today when a child says they are feeling depressed we need to be cautious and have a doctor screen the child for depression. You may or may not fit the parameters of a clinically depressed teenager but only a healthcare professional can make that judgment. Once screened it is something your doctor can keep tabs on regardless of the results of the initial screening.
Many High School Guidance Counselors can screen you for depression; something to think about.
16/f
My bf is so asking for it,I don't know what to do...Every time we're on a date we both get turned on like crazy and it's been like this for a while.We want to have sex soon and it's gonna be my first time,but I'm a bit scared.I told him that and he said he'll be gentle and careful with me...I really love this guy but I'm quite insecure and indecisive about this.Should I have sex with him if I feel like it?I know only I can decide when's the right time for me to do it.Still there are so many dilemmas,like,what if the condom breaks? that causes insecurity...what should I do? I really want him and can't hold back anymore.
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
I found the following website while answering a very similar question for other young ladies. I believe you should review this website before making any decision about having sex, starting with “Am I ready?”
On the subject of are you ready: all I will say is sexual intercourse is a beautiful thing between two loving responsible people. At your age sex for you as a woman is different than for the boy. At 16 you are more emotionally mature than your partner is at the same age by about 2 years. Sex for a woman most always must have a loving relationship, meaning women usually do not hop in and out of bed. Where for a boy of the same age sex is more of a conquest, away to satisfy raging hormones.
The odds are against you marring the boy you give your virginity to, so be selective as to who you chose to be your first. Make sure you find someplace you can have your first sexual experience that is safe, relaxing and that you will be undisturbed. You should be on birth control for at least 30 days and always use a condom.
As someone who is old enough to be your grandparent I should be telling you to wait. I am sure your parents have already given you that advice and it is good advice. It is also hypocritical of most of us as most all of us my age and younger engaged in sex long before we were married. What I will say is there are ways of satisfying the sexual urge without having intercourse. There is masturbation, mutual masturbation, which is generally apart of foreplay, BJ’s and HJ’s. These forms of sex should be adequate for now to satisfy both you and your boyfriend without running the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. Remember no birth control is 100% effective. End of lecture.
Before you make your decision please review the following website.
http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/readyornot.html.
Ok im 18/female i hate saying this because it makes me feel like im talking about my man behind his back but last night i was trying to wake my man up so that we can go to bed and i tryed to get him up like 3 times and then he told to shut the fuck up like after that and i told him dont tell me that and he said it again maybe 3 more time and i kept saying dont say that and then he got up and pushed me with his chess and said what you going to do about it and walked away in the bedroom then later after i stoped crying i went in the room and we talked but when i thought he was going to tell me hes sorry he told me to give him a blowjob and he pulled his pants down its was dark so the whole time i was doing it i was crying it felt like i just got used he acked like it never happend so the questen is why do i feel like this we have been together for 6 years and plan to marry also i told him this morning and he said hes sorry and hes not useing me and he loves me! so why do i feel this way still sorry so long please help me!!! anybody!!!!
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
You are 18 and have been with this guy for 6 years which means you were 12 when you met. You did not say how old you boyfriend is but from what you say he sounds immature regardless of his numerical age.
My frank opinion based on the little you have written is; 1. You are too young to get married. 2. You are too young to even be living with someone. 3. You should be experiencing other men and having more worldly experiences and maturing as a single person before settling down with another. There may be good reason why you have chosen to live with this person rather than at home with your parents or on your own. If there is you have not told us about those reasons and I can only base my advice on what you have written.
My advice is you move out, either move back in with you parents, get a place of your own or find a place you can share with a friend. You need to experience what dating other men is like. Not all men are like your current boyfriend. You can continue to date your current boyfriend but he should date you to earn your love and respect.
You should also be enrolled in College, either a Community College or a 4 year College. I today’s world a High School or GED Diploma does not open many employment doors. The doors that are open are low wage back breaking jobs of the type that end as fast as they start. For whatever reasons you are in the position you find yourself in, it is my feeling you can do better for yourself. It will be easier on you to find that out now than say ten years from now when you find him cheating on you. I’m not saying he will but based on what you have written he fits the profile.
Good luck, I hope I have helped.
i dont like who i am, i joined the military about a year ago, and have done a few months at my first duty station, i hate every day, i hate oklahoma, and for some reason i thought i would make friends here, but to no avail. i sit in my room all weekend by myself, my roomate doesnt even seem to want to talk to me, although i have tried. I HATE my life, and whi i am. i wish i wasnt me anymore and it kills me...
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
The Military is what you make of it. Being assigned to a new base is like moving to a new school or neighborhood. You are the new guy on the block and everyone else has their friends already. You have to find where you fit in.
Oklahoma is not the easiest place to make friends I’ll grant you that but if you approach it right you can do it. You may not be a religious person but the best way to meet people is to attend local religious services for the faith of your choosing. Towns’ people are not always welcoming of a Military Base as a whole but when someone new attends their religious service they usually go out of their way to welcome them. Once they get to know you as a person the fact that you are from the base usually does not enter into the equation other than people start inviting you to their home rather than see you spend time alone on the base. They help you get active in their youth groups and even push their children your age to introduce you to their friends. For me it was like having a second family.
Another way is to look at what your other interests. If you make a list, mental or on paper and with a little research, you’ll find there are probably plenty of activities both on and off base that are of interest to you. They could be car clubs, motor cycle clubs, hiking and nature clubs and the list is almost endless. I myself had been a volunteer fire fighter back home. I walked into the local off base fire station and was welcomed with open arms. The military would not allow me to run calls with them the fire fighter allowed me hang out and ride with them.
Life is what you make of it; if you want to sit around your room all weekend and evenings, that’s your choice. You have to choose to make friends not wait for people to make friends with you. In other words you have to take a proactive approach to meeting people. You cannot and should not try to force yourself on people but just get active in the different activities that are available that are of interest to you. Once people get comfortable with who you are friendships will blossom.
I hope I have helped you and thank you for serving in the Military.
I just found out today that my unemployment has run out. I am in school right now, 3 weeks into 2 6 week classes. I am also signed up for 2 more 6 week classes for the last half of the summer term. I have a two year old son who is in daycare monday through friday. Since my unemployment ran out I will not be getting any income except for my child support and my financial aid. I need some advice on wether I should put off going to school for a while and get a job, or if I should stay in school? I am scared that having a two year-old, having a job and being a full-time student will be too much on my plate.
The only thing I could add to what dearcandore wrote is to check and make sure you have used up all the extebtsions you are entitled to. There have been several extentions granted adn the fact that you are in school to qualify for a better job may earn you an extentsion.
You need to ask these things of the benfit people as they are too harrased to ask each claiment. There may be other funds and programs you may qualify for as well. Don't be so proud as not to accept them in the short term. Your goal is a good job an better life for you and your child. do whatever it takes to get the schooling it takes to reach your goal.
15/f & my friend greg** is 15/m .
My friends dad beats him. And according to court his dad is allowed to give him "spankings" & there's no proof that he beats him. This may be hard to follow.
Gregs mom would take his father to court, so that he would never have to see his dad again. But Greg has been to rehab before & his father could use that against them in court.
I'm so scared my friend is gonna get seriously hurt. I'm talking to him right now on face book & he's telling me how his dad left him on the stairs bleeding and he couldn't move what so ever.
What if his dad takes it too far? I don't even know what to do. My mom would take Greg into our home in a heart beat, but him & his mom would get arrested for him running away.
WHAT DO I DO ? :'(
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
If Greg’s’ father is beating him to the point that he is bleeding and unable to move; that is not corporal punishment or parental corrective punishment. That is assault and child abuse. Greg should, and may do so without parental permission, pick up the phone and dial 911 and ask for help. Police and EMS will be sent to his home. EMS will take him to the hospital where his injuries will be treated and documented. If he is fearful of calling from home then he should go to the nearest fire station. Fire stations in North America are safe havens for children. The firefighters on duty will care for him until the ambulance and police arrive. If it is an unmanned volunteer station there will be a phone on the front of the building with a direct connection to the dispatch center. They will call for the volunteers and dispatch the police and ambulance.
While being in rehab may have something to do with a parental custody battle. Having been in rehab should have nothing to do with his having to accept the beatings you describe. What is needed is documentation of the beatings to show the court. That documentation can only be obtained from Police and Hospital Emergency Room reports. If a beating is severe enough or x-rays show repeated beatings, the hospital will call in the local child protective service as well as the hospitals own Social Service workers.
No child or adult for that matter should have to take the kind of punishment you have described. It is against the law for one thing and there are services out there to help him. All he needs to do is ask for that help. There are three ways he can ask for that help:
1. Call 911, even if his father rips the phone out of his hand and hangs up, someone will be sent to investigate the hang up.
2. Go to the nearest Fire Station for help.
3. Someone like you or your mother, a neighbor, or other friend takes him to the hospital. No one gets in trouble but the wrong doer that being his father if the doctors deem he has been beaten beyond what is deemed corrective parental punishment.
I am considering committing suicide and killing myself. I am need of easy suicide methods that are relatively painless so I do not suffer any more than required for death. I am in a bad situation in my life. I did some very bad things that cannot be forgiven. I figured it was best to commit suicide now before I make any more bonds with my surrounding community members. I live alone, am not married, and have no children to leave or hurt by my death. I found this site and felt it may be helpful in getting my deserved rest from this world. I do not want to continue to make mistakes in my life and dying will prevent me from doing wrong again.
Please, help me.
No one on this site will give you an answer to the question you have asked. Suicide is never an answer whatever the problem is whatever you may have done or think you may have done there is a way to make it right, make up for it or fix it. Suicide does not fix anything it just adds to the hurt.
If you are feeling suicidal at this time call 911 NOW or go to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for help.
Suicide is not the answer to your problem(s). If you have not already done so I would like you to call the National Suicide hot line. There number is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They operate 24/7 and are totally free and confidential. They have a network of crisis center around the country they can refer you to for help, probably one right in your home town or close to you. The call takers are trained professionals who are volunteers and are there to help you; so please give them a call, they can and will help you through this.
You do not say what is bothering you to cause you to think of suicide. Whatever it is it CAN BE RECTIFIED or mitigated that I am certain of. Please call the hotline or go to the hospital for help. I know there are people who love you and would miss you if you were to do this.
I am a virgin but I'm still pretty young (16). My boyfriend has had sex before and he's a little older than me (18). He asked recently if we can start having sex. I love him a lot but he doesn't know I'm still a virgin. I don't want to be embarrassed and tell him about it but I heard that if we have sex then I will bleed on him. That sounds a lot more embarrassing to me.
So, I want to tell him that I haven't had sex yet. How do I tell him this without making him mad, upset, or afraid? I do want to have sex with him and I love him a lot so I know he deserves to know but I don't want to scare him off or make him mad that I haven't told him sooner.
What are the right words?
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
I found the following website while answering a very similar question for other young ladies. I believe you should review this website before making any decision about having sex, starting with “Am I ready?”
On the subject of are you ready: all I will say is sexual intercourse is a beautiful thing between two loving responsible people. Note: With you being 16 and your boyfriend being 18 you run the risk of getting him in trouble with the law by having sex with him. Depending on the age of consent in your State he could be charged with Statutory Rape, Contributing to the Delinquency of a minor and if you should for some reason cross a State Line the Federal Mann act comes in to play. I am not saying these things will happen but could happen. These are things your parents can charge him with should they find out or worse case should you become pregnant.
The odds are against you marring the boy you give your virginity to, so be selective as to who you chose to be your first. Make sure you find someplace you can have your first sexual experience that is safe, relaxing and that you will be undisturbed. You should be on birth control for at least 30 days and always use a condom.
As someone who is old enough to be your grandparent I should be telling you to wait. I am sure your parents have already given you that advice and it is good advice. It is also hypocritical of most of us as most all of us my age and younger engaged in sex long before we were married. What I will say is there are ways of satisfying the sexual urge without having intercourse. There is masturbation, mutual masturbation, which is generally apart of foreplay, BJ’s and HJ’s. These forms of sex should be adequate for now to satisfy both you and your boyfriend without running the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. Remember no birth control is 100% effective. End of lecture.
Before you make your decision please review the following website.
http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/readyornot.html.
My wife of 24 years has just left me and moved back to her parents citing my unreasonable behaviour but I am suffering depression and on medication ,I have changed the way I react to people and sent all my phone contacts a text stating I was going to become a changed person ,given up smoking ,been going to a counsellor with my wife and now she says that she has not loved me for a couple of years.I have 2 boys 1 is 21 and in the army the other is 15 and she has left him here with me.she wants her freedom not a mothers commitment but I have no choice in the matter and i am left to pick up the shattered remains of our lives while she goes out all the time now with friends.should I give up on her and walk away or still try to save our marriage ,my boys want me to try and save the marriage and thats what I want to do but how long is trying to save a reasonable length of time.I am 56 and my wife is 44.
They say you have to walk in someone’s shoes in order to know where they have been. I too have suffered from depression; I know what depression can do to you and how it can affect your family. I’m lucky in the fact that my wife is stubborn and stuck with me until I sought treatment.
I’m on medication and have been in treatment with a psychologist for a number of years. My wife has seen me as the man she married go to the depressed person I was to the person I am now. I believe the person I am now is totally different than the other two. Even I didn’t like the depressed person I became but like you I’m sure you understand I never realized I was depressed, neither did my wife.
For some people psycho-therapy is hard to understand. Your wife may be one of these people. I’m one of those people. All I know is it works. How it works is for some reason beyond my comprehension; my therapist and I joke about this all the time. I understand if I am sick the doctor prescribes a pill, if I cut myself I put a band aid on it I get better. I still do not understand how talking makes the depression go away; but it does.
My suggestion is this: You need to take the questions you asked to your therapist. Only you can decide what the right thing is for you and your children. If your wife has given up on counseling you need to get her back to counseling and to individual counseling as well. Family or couples counseling is a great thing but even then some people hold things back. If your wife is someone who does not believe in the value of psycho-therapy then she needs some individual therapy time with the counselor to work through that problem first.
I would like to tell you there is going to be a happy ending to this, there may or may not be. What I can and will say is if the outcome is not the one you want you can at least say you tried.
By the way I am several years older than you.
So, my boyfriend and I haven't been dating for very long and we decided to NOT have sex for a longgg time down the road. Which I think is great! But we're young and live with our parents and stuff. I mean we do things like dry humping and touchy feely and things like that but I get soo paranoid that someone's going to walk in or say something. My opinion is we're not having sex, we are being responsible but we DO have hormones! What do you think? Do you really think our parents would freak out? Do you think what we're doing is okay?
I can only tell you how as a parent my wife and I handled this situation. Of course as parents of a single child, a boy who is now in his mid 30’s, it was a little different for us. Our basic game plan was going to be the same regardless of whether we had boys or girls.
My wife and I decided early on that we would be as open as possible with our children answering all questions in a frank and up front manner as their age allowed. We also felt that we wanted our children to be comfortable coming to us telling us what was going on in their lives. The only thing that we would draw the line at was drugs. This was our basic plan for raising our child.
To be honest some of our friends thought we were wrong, that our view was too lenient and that our son would take advantage of our leniency. He knew what my policy was about alcohol and he abided by it to the letter. We knew when he became sexually active and we made sure had and used condoms.
I believe had we had a daughter our plan would have worked just as well for her. A parent cannot watch over a child 24 hours a day. All a parent can do is to make sure the child is armed with the information they need to stay safe and to provide the protection they need to keep them safe. If we had had a daughter she would have been told when she was ready for sex her mother would take her to the doctor for birth control. Would we have allowed her to have sex in our home? Probably, I’d rather she had been safe then somewhere where she could be hurt. If that meant letting her entertain boys in her room, so be it.
This was the plan my wife and I had. We felt better the devil you know then the one you don’t know. Your parents have their own values and judgments on what they will tolerate. Most 17 year olds have already had a full sexual experience. Your parents might assume you too have had sexual intercourse. By talking with your mother, which might be easier for you than talking with both of your parents or just your dad, you could be putting her mind at ease as to this matter.
I don’t know your parent so I cannot say how they will react. What I can say: knowing is a lot better than not knowing and speculating as to what you might or might not be doing.
For what it is worth I feel you are being mature in how you are handling this issue. Mutual masturbation and masturbation, dry humping are excellent ways to relieve sexual urges.
I'm so afraid of my ex girlfriend seven years after she dumped me and then destroyed my confidence by accusing me of stalking her just for trying to make peace that every time I see her I want to run and hide.
My current girlfriend switches between being so nice to me and being incredibly angry and hurtful everytime I do anything wrong.
I can't get a job, and my writing isn't selling.
And I just want to smash my head against a wall but don't because I don't have it in me to do so.
I have this sneaking suspicion that when I die, all I'll have to show for my life is nothing.
Male, 27. Someone, I'm not asking for miracles, just an actual solution to my life that doesn't involve disconnecting from reality and curling in a ball for the rest of my days.
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
That must have been some girlfriend you had that she could totally destroy you like this. I do not have any words of wisdom that in one short note that can put your life back on track.
What you need to do is to talk with a professional who can help you get past this. You start by visiting your family doctor telling the doctor what you have written here and having a full physical. Felling as you do can have an effect on your physical self. Once your doctor clears you ask that you be referred to a clinician for talk therapy.
The clinician can be a LPSW or psychologist. In talking with a trained professional you can unburden yourself and get your inner most feelings out in the open where you can deal with them in a secure manner. Once you have found and dealt with the trigger(s) that are causing you to be so down on yourself you can start to rebuild yourself. Once you start rebuilding everything in your life will get better including your writing.
You cannot allow yourself to disconnect as you say: “from reality by curling in a ball for the rest of my days.” You need help to recover from where you have gotten yourself. This is not something you can do by yourself or with over the counter elixirs.
I am a 40-yearl old female, married with no kids. My parents visit us often. They adore their son-in-law. Me, on the other hand can't do anything right. I have a kind heart that reaches out to one & all around me- which according to them is "me allowing them to become sponges". I am torn 'cos the conflicts have only become worse over the years. I try to have a fresh start & everytime it ends on a sour note. Can you please advice?
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
Many of us have been where you are. I myself have been there and have all the emotional scares and memory photos to go with it. The fact that your parents adore your husband goes with the territory and while it is meaningless, it does not do anything for your self-worth.
You have not given enough information about yourself, although you have given enough information about how you feel, for me to offer any advice on anything you can do for yourself. What I can suggest is two things you should do. Things that helped me get a better self-image and allowed me to put this feeling worthlessness behind me. No one is worthless; we all have a place and function in this world.
The first thing you need to do is schedule a physical exam with your family doctor. You need to make sure there is nothing physically wrong that could be causing you to feel the way you do. With me it was found that a chemical deficiency was causing a mild depression. The chemical was Serotonin; easily replaced with a daily pill. My doctor also suggested talk therapy with a psychologist, which I I followed, to help overcome the years of depression I had suffered because of the chemical imbalance.
Are you suffering from depression? I’m not trained to tell, neither have you supplied enough information to make that call. Your doctor is trained and will ask the right questions or refer you to someone that can make that diagnosis. Statistically one in three suffer from some form of depression, so the chances are that you may be one of the one in three that do. The psychologist can also help you deal with your parents, something I had to learn to do as well.
Depression is more common than we believe it to be and more people unknowingly suffer undiagnosed from depression because they fail to see the warning signs. Individually the warning signs can be looked at as signs of something else. Collectively they can point to depression. Only a trained physician can make that diagnosis.
You should be screened for depression. Even if you are not suffering from depression a talk therapist can help you with the problem you have written about.
I recently found out that my wife has "fallen in love" with a friend from childhood whom she reconnected with on facebook. It blew up when he was in town for a reunion and she invited him over for dinner and I watched my wife flirt with him most of the night.
Now we have been trying to work through this and I realize that I played a part in her searching for things that were lacking in our marriage elsewhere. I was being consumed by our financial situation and was completely unavailable emotionally, but I thought is was just a phase that we would get through.
We own a business together and have three children and just celebrated our 12 anniversary. We are working through things. Trying to get back on track.
But there are some things that I am struggling with. The trust has been broken and over the last month she has continues to lie to me about certain things, which I think she doing to protect me. She has expressed that she thinks about being with him, but she is committed to our marriage. And recently has told me that divorce is not an option, which I think is good news. I want to stay married. I want to heal this, but I am really struggling.
I see her hurting for him and it drives me insane. He is separated from his wife, who he has describe to my wife as crazy. He claims to be a Christian man, but I can't help but think that he has played my wife, but that is another issue.
The thing I am having the most trouble with is dealing with the pain of knowing that she hurting for the loss of someone else. Seeing her hurt for him; I can sense it when she is thinking about him. And I am angry that she took the steps to get here, but my anger was one of the things that drove him to him. She has told me that she knows what she did was wrong, but when I am feeling hurt she doesn't want to talk about it. She thinks that I am making it into something bigger than it is. And I do not know what to do. I fear that she is staying with me for the kids, for our business, because a divorce would be messy. It would be humiliating for her. She has only told 3 girlfriends about it, and the fact that she is hiding it makes me believe that she is keeping this secret fantasy alive in her head.
We have talked about counseling and although she did not want to go at first, she has agreed. Do I need to swallow my hurt and give her time to get over him? What do i do when I see her hurting? How do I deal with my hurt?
What can I do to deal with this pain?
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
That fact that you have sought marriage counseling is a very good step. The questions you ask at the end of your letter are ones you should ask of the counselor. If your counselor has not already suggested this, you might ask for a few individual sessions so you can ask those questions privately and deal with them with the counselor, then approach your wife with your questions as you and your counselor worked out.
Of all the things that can put a strain on a marriage a financial problem tops the list; followed by owning a business together. You have both, you see and are with each other 24/7, 365. I think we all need some alone time to grow as individuals, to give us something to talk about at dinner or in the bedroom other than business. With nothing else to talk about other than the children and the business I can see any crisis large or small affecting a marriage.
Intimacy and affection our usually the first casualty; One or both partners may suspect the other is finding it someplace else. Or as in your case one of the partners connects with someone that makes them feel alive. While your wife may not have cheated in the conventional meaning of the word; the hurt is the same.
Since you are seeing a marriage counselor I am going to reframe from making any suggestions. Other than the one I made about individual sessions. Your wife says she still loves you and does not want a divorce. Take what she has said at face value and for now do not read anything more into it. Work with your counselor and to the extent you finances allow start wooing your wife as you did when dating. Have date nights, buy her small gifts of affection. I would not try to pin blame as to how you got to this point. I don’t think it matters who is at fault. What matters is that the two of you are willing to work it out as a couple.
Im turning 15, i feel envious to my friends for example : I never get into trouble & i have good grades. meanwhile my friends who sell drugs, steal & fight, have everything like a nice house, electronics, clothes,better food, girl friends, money, & happiness, I live in a krapy house, i use peoples internet, i get like 1 thing 4 christmas, the thing i have now, i got by saving money for years, i lose my Ipod wich i saved up for a year to get,,, i feel like i deserve way more & i get mad at rich selfish people & i feel like shooting bad people in the head, what have i done wrong to be given a shity life? AHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG OMG WTF
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
Let’s see if I have this straight: You get good grades; you do not fight, sell drugs or steal. Your friends on the other hand do everything you do not do and get bad grades as well. The fact that they live in nice houses had nothing to do with what they are doing and more to do with what their parents do to earn the money to pay for the nice house and things that parents provide.
There is one thing that you are able to do that your friends are not able to do, that is to walk down the street or the halls of school without worry of when a member of Law Enforcement is going to jump out and arrest them for all the stealing and drug selling they are doing.
If you want to live for the moment and not plan for the future then go ahead, join your friends and sell drugs, steal things you do not have the money to pay for. If you do these things then remember the old adage: “If you do the crime be prepared to do the time”. Your friends may be living high right now but the will eventually be caught. If they are selling drugs in school they can be charged under Federal Law. A conviction under Federal Law comes with a long sentence and no parole. A convict under federal can win 20% time off for good behavior. That means on a 20 year sentence they do a minimum of 16 years. This is what they have to look forward too.
You on the other hand are being a law abiding citizen. You can look forward to walking the streets and hallways of school without worry. You can do long range planning such as College and wife and family and choice of employment. You will be able to travel, chose your own meals, chose where you live and work, when you sleep, eat and wake. Your friends will have these choices made for them for the next 20 years to life when they get caught. Does their life still look so appealing?
My advice, do not envy their ill gotten gains. Buckle down and make the most of the educational opportunities you are given. Find away to get a College degree; Financial aid Councilors will work with you to find grants, scholarships and student loans to get you through College. There is nothing wrong with going to a State College and there is nothing wrong with commuting to school if you live close enough. The goal is the education, how you get there is not important. Night school is also an option as is tele-College.
Don’t be envious of what your friends have. From what you have written most of what they have is ill-gotten. Your job is 2 fold: to be the best person you know how to be and to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. What this means is remain the law abiding person you are today. Do not waste today worrying about others. Use today to learn all you can and use tomorrow to learn even more.
All my working life I was in sales. Sales manager will say; “If you leave the house in the morning and return home in the evening and not sell anything you were unemployed for the day”. I never worried about selling something. What I did not sell today I would sell tomorrow. I all way said; “If I did not learn something new today I wasted the day.”
Education is the key to success. We must never stop learning if we want to succeed in today’s world. Until I retired I was always in the top 6 in my company. Why the top six? There were six regions in the company; each one had a top salesman. I was one of them; I credit my success to never being blind to learning something new.