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My dad is cheating on my mom with another man...?
ok so about a year ago i read a few of my dads text messages. there were some texts of questionable nature and they were sent to a guy. i told my sister and then we sat down together and told my mom. she confronted my dad who denied it and we all went along with our little lives. then yesterday, i was the only one awake in my house and my dads iPod touch was charging in the kitchen, i proceeded to start playing some apps and what not. but then i got a funny feeling that i should click on the "email" app. so i did. he had 3 different email accounts set up to it, two of them i was familiar with, but i had never seen the third before. so i clicked on it and this is when i wish i would just STOP going through my dads stuff. he had several emails from different guys talking in ways two guys should not talk to each other (especially a married man with FIVE kids!) some emails said what they are into, some talked about meeting up, some said "nice pic, hope to see the real thing". i'm 17, not stupid so i know what they were talking about!
so my dad is bi sexual, obviously! but i don't know what to do! do i tell my mom or confront my dad?? my dad would get pissed that i looked through his stuff and that i am accusing him of this again! my dad is a jerk already, but i don't want him to hate me! i have 3 little brothers ages 7, 5 and 1, all i keep thinking about is how this will affect them if i say something. my youngest brother, we are in the process of adopting him, and i would be devastated if we couldn't adopt him, if they got a divorce. should i wait until September, when the adoption is complete to say something? my sister moved out of state, so i cant talk to her as easily, so she cant help me again.
my dad is always on my case about how i cant be trusted to do things, when he is the one with a secret like this! i have no idea what to do! i have been severely nauseous since last night. i don't want to possibly break up the family by saying something, i would rather this still all be a secret. i would feel so responsible for the divorce if i said something. i just don't know what to do. i am also shocked because we go to church every week, twice a week. my dad just got a position in the youth group...how is he going to teach the youth not to sin when he is committing one of the biggest sins??
i get sick every time i think about my brothers and my mom. i know i cant keep this in because it has been eating me alive and its only been 10 hours since i found out. i don't know what to do..i need help. what am i supposed to do? so much is riding on my family, a divorce would mess everything up. i would lose some of the most important things in my life. help me...please?
also, my dad took his ipod to work with him, as he does every day. so i cant really show my mom, without him around...
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This is a very disturbing subject. I cannot pretend to have the answer for you because it is your family, not mine, and only you can either confront your dad, preferably with your mom present should you decide to do so. However, you were prying into his private matters. I find it interesting to note that you teenagers always jump up and down screaming about your privacy, like you pay the bills or something, when you DO NOT. Now here you are, invading the privacy of the person who does pay the bills. In that, you should be ashamed. But, there is a bigger picture here, that of your intended adopted brother. The question now becomes: is he being brought into a situation not suited for what is probably his fragile mindset?
I think that you should talk with your out of town sister, or grandparent because this issue will likely arise again but under more uncomfortale circumstances, and we don't want that do we? Otherwise, I think you should just keep your mouth shut. You did tell your mom before right? It is her choice to believe, disbelieve or not, and to act upon it should she choose to act. You are the child, not the parent. Focus on being that, and having fun out of life not worrying about such heavy subjects. Things have a way of taking care of themselves.
Take care of yourself please, and if you need MOOR advice, let me know.
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I think you should talk it through with your dad and ask him never to do it agian and if he does you just have to tell your mum.
Your Friend CuteyKitty123
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
You say that it is obvious that your dad is bi-sexual; meaning that your mom and dad are still having sexual relations. If your dad is in a gay relationship then you owe it to your mom to tell her if for no other reason than to protect her health. Nothing says your dad is practicing safe sex with his gay partner or your mom. At your age I should not have to explain the health risks your mom is unknowingly confronted by not knowing about your fathers gay relationship(s).
My advice is: If you can forward the Emails to your own Email account. Once you do this your father will know as his account will show that they have been forwarded. You then have two options; Option 1, is to confront your father and tell him either he comes clean to your mother or you will and you have the evidence to prove he is not only cheating but is in a Bi-Sexual relationship. His response to you will most likely be to tell you to mind your own business. Your response would be that this is your business as he is endangering your mother’s health regardless of whether he is practicing safe sex. Option 2, is of course to take your evidence to your mother and let her deal with it in her own manner. If your father agrees to tell your mother and does not do so in what you consider a reasonable amount of time then you move on to option 2 .
I know you are concerned about the adoption and I wish I could ease your concern. I don’t know enough about the laws governing adoptions to do so and I believe they vary from state to state. What I do know is that the longer you wait to get this out in the open the longer your mother’s health is at risk.
Once your mother is informed urge her to see her doctor for a standard STD panel as well as an HIV test. This is just as important as informing her of your beliefs about your dad. Hopefully everything will come back normal. If not the earlier treatment is begun the better chance there is of a good outcome.
I’m sorry you have to be the one to confront this issue. No child regardless of age should ever have to confront such an issue between his parents in a manner such as this. Your father should man up about his sexual orientation and live with the consequences. Should you ever need to vent or want more advice I and others are here to listen and advise you if we can.
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unfortunately your mother may not understand how to deal with the situation so I wouldn't just put that shit in her face until I mapped out the pathways the situation may go. I might even seek somekind of domestic help program which Im sure you can find out more about in school.
for all i know your mother might have a huge shit fit and start killing fools or who knows maybe shes in on it. Sexually the situation is in her favor after all. he's not messing with other woman. I mean if my girl was getting it on with another hot mama in a responsible fashion i may want to try to jump on in instead of just breaking up or maybe id settle for watching.
life sucks.
i personally would talk it out with my dad 1 on 1 over some beers in a civil manner. i know im more mature than my mother, and most people so i'd handle it so that the situation could fall as safely as possible such as by making sure to get all the guns away from the home before spilling the beans to her as well as finding the right setting where the day wont be wasted.
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That's pretty tough.
I feel like your mother should know. She already knew once though, confronted him, and never did solve the problem entirely from what we are aware of.
Without cold hard evidence to show your mother, she might not fully believe you or take you seriously. Many parents are like this, actually. I'm not sure why. I guess they're too afraid of the truth.
She deserves to know though. My mother cheated on my father a lot and I wish my dad knew more about it right away so that things could be handled. I am not happy with how things turned out but that's why I was the child and they were the adults.
What would I do?
I would talk with your mother, privately. I would tell her exactly what you told us. I would say flat-out that I was snooping because the gadget was just there and you wanted to mess with your dad's applications. You're a teen. You get curious about things like that. You saw the email, got curious, opened it up, and was pretty shocked. Go for it and describe what the emails say. She needs to know it. Then, I would ask her to look at the iPod touch herself before making any moves in the relationship, including confronting your father. Simply tell her exactly step-by-step what you did to get there.
Then comfort her. Let her know that you have her back for whatever she wants to do after she checks out the info for herself. Explain to her, nicely, that you only wanted to tell her because you think she deserves to know the stuff you accidentally found in case there is a problem. She will probably be hurt and might do something silly so relax if she gets angry or something. Be nice and polite. Nobody likes to be told they've been used.
Suggest to her that maybe your dad didn't go through with meeting these people. Maybe couple's counseling will help them resolve this. It's possible he got the wrong impression from last time and thought that this behavior was acceptable between him and your mother after all. Encourage her to confront your father after she personally sees the proof for herself though.
It's possible that they had an adult discussion and decided it was OK for their marriage for him to communicate with men online like this. It's possible that she had absolutely no clue that this still is happening. It's possible that she knows but is so clueless and scared that she is pretending not to see it.
Steps:
Let mom know details and encourage her to see for herself.
Talk with her, help her cope with this and figure out a plan of action.
Let your parents handle it.
If your mother chooses not to do anything then then you do have to step back. There is only so much a child do. Let your mom know, support her, and then back off.
After this, try to stop snooping through your father's things. If your mother decides to let this slide then there isn't anything that will help by continuing to look through his things. That will just be hurting you by knowing the problem still exists. Try your hardest to stop looking through his personal things and put this information behind you after your mother decides what she is going to do. Again, there is only so much a child can do in a marriage. You simply cannot save it if they don't want it saved. You can't fix it if they deny there is something broken, you know? Try to make this the last time you snoop.
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