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Dealing with wife's emotional affair
I recently found out that my wife has "fallen in love" with a friend from childhood whom she reconnected with on facebook. It blew up when he was in town for a reunion and she invited him over for dinner and I watched my wife flirt with him most of the night.
Now we have been trying to work through this and I realize that I played a part in her searching for things that were lacking in our marriage elsewhere. I was being consumed by our financial situation and was completely unavailable emotionally, but I thought is was just a phase that we would get through.
We own a business together and have three children and just celebrated our 12 anniversary. We are working through things. Trying to get back on track.
But there are some things that I am struggling with. The trust has been broken and over the last month she has continues to lie to me about certain things, which I think she doing to protect me. She has expressed that she thinks about being with him, but she is committed to our marriage. And recently has told me that divorce is not an option, which I think is good news. I want to stay married. I want to heal this, but I am really struggling.
I see her hurting for him and it drives me insane. He is separated from his wife, who he has describe to my wife as crazy. He claims to be a Christian man, but I can't help but think that he has played my wife, but that is another issue.
The thing I am having the most trouble with is dealing with the pain of knowing that she hurting for the loss of someone else. Seeing her hurt for him; I can sense it when she is thinking about him. And I am angry that she took the steps to get here, but my anger was one of the things that drove him to him. She has told me that she knows what she did was wrong, but when I am feeling hurt she doesn't want to talk about it. She thinks that I am making it into something bigger than it is. And I do not know what to do. I fear that she is staying with me for the kids, for our business, because a divorce would be messy. It would be humiliating for her. She has only told 3 girlfriends about it, and the fact that she is hiding it makes me believe that she is keeping this secret fantasy alive in her head.
We have talked about counseling and although she did not want to go at first, she has agreed. Do I need to swallow my hurt and give her time to get over him? What do i do when I see her hurting? How do I deal with my hurt?
What can I do to deal with this pain?
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I really have a lot to say about this. I was a child of this sort of "marriage" until it finally ended in a very messy, hurtful divorce after dragging each other through the dirty mud.
Your wife needs to grow up. Seriously.
You have every right to be hurt, confused, sad, and angry.
The only thing that will fix this is communication. That's what counselling is for in the first place. If she isn't willing to rationally listen to you, understand your pain, and move forward as an adult then there is no reason to maintain what is turning into a circus.
Telling not one, not two, but THREE of your closest friends about your emotional affair is horrorific. My mother did this. The women she told? Supported her newfound "happiness" with pursuing another man. They were encouraging my mother to follow after another man, even after things had been "resolved" between her and my father.
For years my mother would say things like when I would turn 18 things would change for the entire family. She meant she had planned to leave my father for years though. Time and time again she would emotionally cheat on my father and he would forgive and forget. She learned to use him. She learned to abuse him.
She can say she knows what she has done is wrong but if she can't be mature and SHOW her apologetic ways then has she really learned something? It really sounds like she isn't going to discontinue this activity. She won't stop thinking of this man--how great can he actually be, right? She's living in a fantasy world.
Swallow your hurt? Hell no.
She isn't proving that she has emotionally or mentally moved passed another man. She hasn't shown enough respect for you afterward since she can't even let this go. She is telling her friends about it. If she was oh-so humiliated why would she tell three different people anyway?
My dad thought the man at the grocery store where my mother worked (the first man she cheated with) was playing my mother into a trap. It took him nearly 20 years to realize that she wanted to test the waters. He didn't fool her into anything. She wanted it. She told my father it was because he worked too much. She told him that it was because SHE worked too much. She told him it was because she missed her youth. She told him it was because he had been emotionally unavailable. She told him it was because she was stressed. She told him it was because they didn't have much money. She told him it was because she had a family like never before and it was scary.
Truth? She just wanted to do it.
You wife isn't a child. She isn't a 5 year old who got caught kissing the neighbor boy after he pressured her into doing it. She's a grown woman. She knew what she was getting into before her emotions began to blossom.
Open you mouth and tell her about all of this. Tell her about how the only way to solve this is through completely honest and open communication. She needs to tell you her thoughts all of the time and you need to tell her yours. If you're pissed off then tell her and explain why in a rational way. If you're not heard then how can it be resolved? If she can't be honest about STILL being stuck on this guy for X Y and Z reasons then how do you know what to change and what to fix?
When you see her hurting? Talk to her. Don't comfort her loss of another man but ask her questions about it. Get her to open up about her specific thoughts. Why does she miss him? What does she like about him? What is different between him and you?
And discuss it like mature grown ups. Make those changes.
She like that he's Christian? If you believe in God then point that out. You may also be a kind, loving Christian man but she isn't seeing that because you haven't "built yourself up" to it. You don't discuss it, maybe. So open your mouth and talk.
If you both want to get passed this then she needs to talk about it and so do you. Your questions NEED to be answered. If she doesn't want to talk about it? Watch your marriage fall apart. Talking is what marriage counselors get you to do. If you can't do it on your own then you're going to have one expensive marriage for the foreseeable future.
Keep a tablet of paper with you during the day. Write down your thoughts. If you're in a particular loving mood then write it down and read it to your wife later. If you wake up really miserable then let her know. If what she says is hurtful then tell her. Have her do the same thing. Keep your thoughts at hand to share with each other.
And fight if you need to...just make sure to work it out, too. A fight can erupt from anything but as long as you stay together and talk through it immediately it can be resolved. Open, honest communication is what adults do.
She's hiding something from you or she would be able to talk about it. She's afraid of you knowing something. It might be something as silly as liking the man because he has blonde hair but you have brown hair. It might be something more in-depth that can absolutely demolish your relationship if it's not handled soon.
Talk.
Show this to her if you have to get her more involved with working this out.
If she isn't willing to work it out by communicating then I don't know why you two are hanging on. It just cannot be fixed if the problem isn't out in the open.
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While Adviceman is right I just have a few things to add
I believe that there is no true love as long as someone's heart is set on someone else. She has fallen for a childhood friend which brings conclusions to whether or whether not she feels the marriage is a burden and she is just in it for the sake of the business and her children. Seeking marriage counseling is a big step, but although you two seek help the fixture to this marriage is on her part, She stated that she thinks about being with him, Clearly she had hinted to you that she is not happy in the marriage. Divorce is not an option to her assuming because she doesn't want to go loose the business as well as putting her children through emotional distress along with a bunch of other things. A marriage cannot work unless both people are committed on making it work it takes time and effort. I am truly sorry that you are dealing with such pain...but you need to have a sit down with your wife and have a serious talk. For now I would see where the counseling goes and try to work it out but IF for whatever reason it didn't work out divorce may be your only option. Don't stay in a marriage for the sake of your children, You are not bound to sacrifice your happiness.
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
That fact that you have sought marriage counseling is a very good step. The questions you ask at the end of your letter are ones you should ask of the counselor. If your counselor has not already suggested this, you might ask for a few individual sessions so you can ask those questions privately and deal with them with the counselor, then approach your wife with your questions as you and your counselor worked out.
Of all the things that can put a strain on a marriage a financial problem tops the list; followed by owning a business together. You have both, you see and are with each other 24/7, 365. I think we all need some alone time to grow as individuals, to give us something to talk about at dinner or in the bedroom other than business. With nothing else to talk about other than the children and the business I can see any crisis large or small affecting a marriage.
Intimacy and affection our usually the first casualty; One or both partners may suspect the other is finding it someplace else. Or as in your case one of the partners connects with someone that makes them feel alive. While your wife may not have cheated in the conventional meaning of the word; the hurt is the same.
Since you are seeing a marriage counselor I am going to reframe from making any suggestions. Other than the one I made about individual sessions. Your wife says she still loves you and does not want a divorce. Take what she has said at face value and for now do not read anything more into it. Work with your counselor and to the extent you finances allow start wooing your wife as you did when dating. Have date nights, buy her small gifts of affection. I would not try to pin blame as to how you got to this point. I don’t think it matters who is at fault. What matters is that the two of you are willing to work it out as a couple.
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