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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

Since almost 2 weeks ago, I'm am experiencing some kind of on-and-off soreness on my bottom left groin/thigh area (possibly where my left pelvis is located at). Sometimes, I can only feel it when I started walking on it. There is no swelling or discoloring at all around my crotch. I am currently wearing a stretch bandage to ease the tension for walking. I'm not sure if my condition happens to be a muscular problem, bone problem, folliculitis, etc. I'm not sure if the condition that I have is serious or not. What am I deal with? Should I see a doctor?

Any type of pain that has lasted this long needs to be checked by a doctor. None of us on this site are doctors so it is not possible for us to make a diagnoses. Sure we can say something like; yea I had that and it was a strained muscle. But that was us and not you. Your pain could be cause by something entirely different.

By the way stretch bandages are also frowned upon as while they give support they also cause the muscle to deteriorate. If they are too tight the can impede blood supply as well.

The best thing to do is to see a doctor ASAP. Go to the nearest urgent care center or hospital ER if your family doctor can not see you in the next 24 hrs.

Hi 19/f i am a sophomore in college with ADHD. i take medicine for it. well even though i take focalin i still can't concentrate and i end up watching tv and going on the computer. and whenever i go on the computer i go facebook, youtube, and watch porn. i don't know what to do. i am not even suppose to be on facebook/youtube but i still get on. i am suppose to be studying for my midterm in geography. i didn't do well on the first one because i didn't know about it. well now i write stuff down, but my stuff's not organized, i mean i have papers all over the table. and when my parents come home they always ask me if im done and if i say no, they get mad. i know it's ridiculous that they ask me but i mean i can't focus. im not disciplined at all. i mean i just waste time. and my mom calls me and i told her i read a chapter in geography and i lied. i hate when she asks me and i know i shouldn't since i don't do my work but it annoys me. i lie a lot also. its really messed up and i don't know what to do. i've been talking to my therapist and she tells me not to go on facebook and youtube and to just focus. but it's hard so what should i do? this has been going on for years and im going crazy. I can't go on a higher dose of focalin because my weight is low. so idk what to do. please help!

Focalin is a modified version of Ritalin, a milder form of Ritalin, according to the website I visited to research my answer to you.

ADHD has been one of the most missed diagnosed problems and has only in relative terms, recently been properly diagnosed, named and treated properly. Twenty years ago when my son was in school and up to just five years ago he was diagnosed with everything else and stuck in special Ed course. It took the Army to figure him out and get through to him. No they didn't medicate him but their structure helped him greatly.

You should be seeing a psychiatrist for medication and a psychologist for talk therapy to help you build a structured life style to deal with the problems of being ADHD.

Family doctors are good at seeing the problem and passing out certain meds. Since this problem is more of a deficit in a chemical needed in brain function a trained Psychiatrist is better at prescribing the proper medications.

Finding a psychiatrist and psychologist takes some doing as you have to be comfortable working with them as this is going to be a long term relationship. You should interview them just as you would someone you are going to hire to work for you. When you find the people you are comfortable with, those are the people who are going to be able to help you the most.

Structure and medication are the keys to overcoming the problems of ADHD. My son succeed and so will you with the proper medication and support.

20 female.

I'm not very experienced with sex. I've only done the missionary position, I'm fine with that for now haha but I just feel like I'm boring in bed. When I have sex, I don't know what to do. Usually the guy is on top and then I'll just run my hands through his hair or like run my fingertips lightly down his sides because they seem to like that and I moan, but that just comes out naturally. But you can only do these things for so long before it gets old! Half the time I'm like okay, can we be done I don't know what to do, this isn't exciting anymore. I feel like the guy gets bored too. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I feel like I'm not good being sexual even though I feel sexy? If that makes sense. Are there any tips on what I could do that would really turn him on? I don't know how people can have sex for a long time ..how do you keep it interesting? Anything will help!

Let me start by saying I'm old enough to be your grand father and I have been married to the same women for almost 40 years. I believe in calling a spade a spade so you may find what i have written a little shocking coming from someone my age. My wife and I believe that it is best to tell it like it is and this is what I have tried to do for you and what we have done for our child.

One of the nice things about sex, besides the sex itself, is getting to know your partner, their likes and dislikes, what really turns them on and what they find as a turn off. Sexual positions can be a real turn on for both or a turn off for one or the other.

The same is true with different sex acts themselves. Men see women with three different and distinct orifices for sexual pleasure. The woman's mouth,vagina and anal orifice. Many women fearing pain or just plain disgust and flat say no to anal sex, although once they try it they come to love it.

As for sexual positions I did some research for you and found the following website: http://www.eioba.com/a70097/interesting_sex_positions. This website had several positions that you may find pleasurable along with descriptions of how to engage in them. I found this site by typing "Female sexual Positions" into a search engine. You could do the same thing for different sex acts you may want to explore with your partner, before trying with him, or even to learn more about your own body, such as how to find your "G" spot.

If you and your boyfriend are in a true long term loving relationship, learning about each others body is not only natural, it fun and a great way to explore each others sexuality, likes and dislikes.

My brother-in-law moved in with us due to a divorce. He never cooked a meal, nor cleaned. He had my mother-in-law come so she could pick up after him and cook his meals. She started resenting the fact that I wasn't doing chores for my brother-in-law. She even demanded dinner when she'd return to the house with my brother-in-law. I told her I wasn't a cook nor a maid; that my priority was my husband, our relationship, our home and work. After she left, my brother-in-law's behavior deteriorated further and I told him to either get it together or to get out. He left. The guest bedroom was a mess and the bathroom was disgusting, feces all over the toilet seat, floor tiles blackened, stained. And although my husband agrees with me on all points, he hasn't stood up for me. His mother keeps calling, requesting this and that from him and she said nothing when told how her son left his filth in our home. Meanwhile my brother-in-law is "instructing" my husband not to release his e-mail address to me the same way his estranged is denied access to his e-mail info. I believe my husband should have told him that I was not interested in his e-mail info and that he should cease any attempts to issue orders with respect to me. So why is my husband being so complacent? Why isn't he setting boundaries and standing up for me, our relationship and our home?

It is very hard for a wife to come between a man and his mother. Mothers wield powers over their sons that even the military bend to accommodate. Mothers are the nurturers of the family, they raise the children, the girls learn from their mothers, the boys are supposed to learn from their fathers. In many families moms rule the roost; what mom says is law and that is what husbands have learned.

It has taken me years of therapy to learn, preceded by years of unknown depression to realize what I have just written. It is the nature of our society that you are fighting and one that cannot be fought and won in a single battle. It is even written into most of our religions to honor thy mother.

What do you do about this? You sit down with your husband and talk with him. You don't criticize something that is ingrained; instead you discuss how you feel and that you understand how hard it is for him or any man for that matter to stand up to their mother. It is actually easier for a women to stand up to their mothers. You then can explore ways that together you can extricate your family out from under his mothers' demanding ways.

You are correct in your priorities as you told them to your mother in-law. Your family first and whatever it takes to keep your family safe and happy. Then time and fortunes permitting extended family members. Facts be known you mother in-law knows this and probably subscribes to the same rules. Problem here is she is protecting one of her babies, yes a male child is always a mothers baby, and expected you to do what she was not able to do herself.

Talk with your husband,calmly; you may want to have your clergymen assist in these discussions. There is also nothing wrong with seeking couples therapy with this problem. In fact I recommend it, not only for finding a solution to this problem but helping you avoid this same problem with your children when you have children.

Ok so I have been masterbating for about 2-3 months and its making me feel horiable like i stop a day or 2 at a time then just start up again i realy need help i know people will say its good for you but it makes me feel horiable plz help

First let me say I'm old enough to be your grandfather so I'm giving you the straight information here.

Forget all the stories you hear; you're not going to go blind, your not going to grow hair in the palm of your hand, or anything else you may have heard about masturbation. No one can tell by looking at you that you masturbate.

Masturbation is a healthy and a safe way to to release the pent up hormones you are experiencing as you go through puberty. Almost everyone masturbates, it's also part of foreplay although it is called hand jobs or fingering. It's still masturbation or mutual masturbation. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

Masturbation should be away for you to explore your own body to find out what you like. Where you like to be touched and how you like to be touched. If your a girl just don't finger yourself, play with your clit, squeeze your breasts, pull on your nipples and explore your body so when you are ready for sex you can show your partner what turns you on and what turns you off. This will make your first sexual experience that much more satisfying for the both of you.

Boys need to do the same thing; just don't jerk your penis until you come. Explore different ways to stroke your penis, stoke you scrotum and testicles, play with your nipples and feel your body while you masturbate. Learn your likes and dislikes before that first sexual intercourse you will be better for it.

Mutual masturbation is great for those who want to have a sexual relationship without intercourse. You can have all the fun without the worry. Try doing it with a condom and avoid the mess.

Now for the disclaimer: Your parents, teachers and clergy are correct. You should avoid having sex until you are old enough to understand the consequences of your actions. Lust and love in the teenage years feel the same; especially for boys.

By the way just about all the recognized religions in the U S do not condemn masturbation. This includes the Catholic Church.

I am a junior in high school and a friend I have known since 1st grade has taken his life Monday night. Everyone believes it is due to bullying. Yet, my school is not doing any thing about it. Nothing. That makes me so incredibly mad. That just makes it look like it's okay for people to be bullied and have someone take their life. These past few days have been hard and the situation at school with no actions being taken is making it an incredible amount more hard. I can't get the picture of his helpless body hanging there in his closet.. I want to do something for him. I want to do a candle light service or make a memorial somewhere so the people that bullied him can actually admit that they messed up and that this boy was loved. He has put a smile on my face numerous times through out my 11 years of school with him and right now I just want to put a smile on his face in Heaven. How do I go about doing this? Do I have to go through my school to have a candlelit service? Do I need a permit to build a memorial for him? I know I am going to need a lot of people to help and I'm sure I can find quite a few people whose lives he blessed. Just help me out with what I can do for him. Thank you so much.

My condolences on your loss. For someone to be bullied to the point of taking their own life is horrible.

The answer to your questions is that in most towns you do not need a permit to hold a memorial service or for the making of a make shift, temporary, memorial. One exception would be anything on school grounds.Boards of Educations have their own rules and I would not want you to get in trouble at school for trying to honor your friend. If you intent is to do something at school or on school ground ask permission first.

Bullying is at the moment getting National attention. The school system should be doing something about bullying. They may or may not be aware that your friends suicide was do to bullying. They may or may not be formulating plans do address in school bullying. These are things they may not want to tell a student or your friends parents.

My suggestion is to talk with you parents and to ask them for help in making the community aware of how your friend died. There is nothing like community pressure to force an issue to the surface. Part of community pressure is getting local media attention. as this subject is a national hot topic, local media will get involved but they will only get involved if contacted by a competent adult. You also need to contact your friends parents and ask then if what you wish to do is okay with them. They are grieving over the loss of their son and may wish to do so in private. If so you must honor their wishes.

Even if your friends parent wish to grieve in private, their are ways to bring this issue out in public. The media can be your friend in this issue and they can be sensitive to your friends parents while helping to bring the schools system to task.

You have a worthy cause; ask your parents for help so that you can honor your friend. Good luck.

is it possibale for girls to fart thourgh thier pussys?

This usually happens during intercourse. As your mate pumps into you a small amount of air pumps in as well. This air at time gets trapped and when your mate withdraws the air can then be expelled. It sounds like your vagina is farting when in reality it is just the trapped air from your love making escaping. This happens with my wife all the time. It was embarrassing to her the first time when we were dating, I thought it was awesome.

If this is happening at any other time I would suggest you see your GYN.

i want to find out a job for the future but i have so much interest to pick from.i just cant think of what my future job will be.how can i pick the best one.

Since I am old enough to be your grandfather I am going to give you advice that a grandparent might give.

Many people chose a career path based on how much money they can earn. This is not the best way to chose your life's work. There is an old saying "Money cannot buy happiness", this is very true. You may be able to earn all the money you will ever need and still be miserable.

So the first thing you have to do is remember it is your life and you are the one that has to be happy. Yes mom, dad and others in your life will want the best for you and attempt to steer you to the higher paying career fields, doctors, lawyer and so forth. These career fields pay well and some pay extremely well. Question is will you be happy. You may want to be a cop or firefighter/Paramedic. Both are very honorable jobs and pay well and if your happy doing them that is what counts.

I would suggest you see your high school guidance counselor to see if your school offers career testing. This test along with your own knowledge of what you like and dislike will help you decide a career path you might wish to follow and what if any college courses to take.

I spent my entire career in sales to the construction industry. During that time I watched the industry mature and grow to the point that Electricians, Plumbers, Carpenters and most other skilled craft trades had to become licensed. Both union and non-union apprentice ship programs were put in place to train men and women to achieve the goal of being licensed in their trade. Each one of these programs are the equivalent of a four year college degree, and sponsored educationally through the local community colleges.

I say this to you for should you want to follow a trades man career there is nothing wrong with this. Any job that provides an honest dollar for an honest days work is a good job. If you are happy doing that job, it is a great job. If you excel doing this work, it is an excellent job.

Even flipping hamburgers at the local burger place is a good job. Many of the chain restaurants promote from within. I know of several restaurant managers for a number of the chain restaurants who started out asking "do you wanted to super size that order" who are now managers and owners of restaurants making good to great earnings. In these restaurants promotion from within is the rule rather than the exception.

I don't know you so I cannot tell exactly what you should be doing. I can only point you in a direction along with advice and explanations of why that advice is valuable. So start with testing through your guidance counselor and your own knowledge of your likes and dislikes. What your good at and not so good at. Then build on that.

Good luck.

When my boyfriend gets mad he gets really really mad. He hits me and has choked me twice before. I don't think he'd actually kill me but he does leave a lot of bruises and I'm really tired of it. I can't talk to him about it because he's just going to get mad. I don't want to leave him because I love him with all my heart and soul. I'm just tired of having to hide bruises and cover them up with make up and clothing all the time when I go out of the house. We live together right now and I just don't know what to do. My friend has seen the bruises and got worried but I told her it's no big deal. It is a big deal. What do I do from here? how can I make my boyfriend stop hitting me?

I'm old enough to be your grandfather so I am going to give you some grandfatherly advice.

Read what I say carefully: THERE IS NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD EVER HIT ANOTHER PERSON. A MAN SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN LET ALONE STRANGLE HER FOR ANY REASON.

I am not being sexist when I say a man should not hit a women; I am being realistic, men are generally stronger than women are and when angry and enraged can easily harm the women.

You are the victim of domestic violence. Depending on where you live this is either a misdemeanor offence or a felony depending on circumstances. That's the legal side of this. The personal side is although you say you love him there is no reason you should take his abusing you in this manner. His abuse will only escalate to a point that you could end up in the hospital or worse. If you really love him leaving him will be a wake up call that he needs to change his ways. He needs to learn to control his anger and that hitting is not the answer. If he is not willing to work to control his anger then he is not returning your love. He using you for what he can get from you.

Even if he says he ill get help you need to move out. As long as you stay he has no reason to seek the help he needs. Your moving out is the catalyst need for him to seek the help he needs. Stop the abuse, protect yourself and the next time he hits you call the police.

i've been wanting to be a mother since i was a baby, myself. i've never intentionally tried to get pregnant, but i have had unprotected sex but i've never gotten pregnant. how do i know if i'm able to have children? and if i find out i'm not able to, how do i cope with that knowledge?

Part of your question is hard to answer so I will answer the easy part first. To find out if you can have children of your own you need to visit a Gynecologist and explain your concerns to the doctor. Once the doctor has completed an examination and any testing needed any question as to whether or not conception on your part is possible can be answered.

The hard question is:if you cannot have children how do you cope? This is not an easy question for a stranger to answer as everyone has different coping mechanisms. If you are not currently married then the first thing you must come to terms with is the knowledge that you need to tell your future husband that you cannot have children and the reason you cannot. Then together you can decide if the two of you wish to adopt or if surrogacy may be an option.

There is also the possibility that you are not sterile but cannot conceive naturally. You then have the option of artificial insemination. Not the most romantic way to conceive but the desired outcome can be achieved.

Should you be sterile and not wish to adopt coping with this can be a problem to big for you to handle by yourself. A good therapist can give you the support you need to help you through the realization that this is one dream that will not happen. Having been disabled in a car accident myself I can attest to the help of a good therapist who helped me through the realization that I was no longer physically able to do things I loved doing and helped me channel my desires to things I could do. There may also be support groups you can join to help you cope. A good therapist will know of these groups in your area.

The problem of coping is so individual that it is hard to give specifics. Right know lets think positive and say you have been lucky with unprotected sex. Go see the doctor and get the facts. Once you have the facts then you can sit down and plan for the future and find what coping mechanisms you may or may not need.

Do men really care what it looks like "down there"? I'm afraid to have sex because I feel like he will see all the little flaws down there like razor bumps and be grossed out or something. I guess what I really want o know is whether men really carre what it looks like down there. What do most men prefer it too look like?

Btw I'm 17

When I was your age guys really didn't care or say anything about what a girls vagina looked like . We were just happy that a girl was having sex with us. When we did talk about a girls body it was more like what her breast, ass and nipples felt like and how tight she was, or was she shaved or not.

On the subject of shaving; I have gone through the period of unshaven to shaving and now back to unshaven. Speaking for myself and some of my friends we prefer unshaven.

Sure you might hear some of the old jokes about having to go to the dentist for a hair cut but the fact is women that women who shave do not have the same scent that an unshaven women does. I know speaking with my wife on the subject that you can feel unclean but there are products on the market to help you feel clean and there is nothing wrong with a quick wash to help you feel clean, but not before sex. I like my wife's scent and miss it during the summer when she shaves.

I've added the part about not shaving as to give you an answer to your question and if you are really concerned by razor bumps, that some men prefer the natural look and why.

I am A 30 year old female in a newer relationship with a 35 year old male. this guy tells me he will call me back right away that he is on another line with his son. he never calls me back. the next morning I asked him why he didnt return the call he said he fell asleep. dont I deserve a txt message or a phone call with an explanation?

Maybe he was respecting you. He said he fell asleep. This gives me thought that possibly it was later in the evening.

Since you do not say how long you have been dating returning a phone or call someone after a certain hour can be considered rude. If I know the person well then I know how late I can call. If I do not know the person all that well my personal cut off time for calling is 9pm. Again everyone is different in this area and while you might find his lack of calling back disrespectful, he may have thought it was to late . When you challenged him on it it he probably said the first thing that came to mind.

Give him the benefit of the doubt that he does respect you and that is why he did not return your call. It is also possible that after talking to his son he had a fight with his ex and was not in the proper mood to having a loving phone call with you. Ask him about it but don't challenge him if he is someone you might want to build a relationship with.

20 female.

I have one thing I'm self conscious about and I don't know what to do. Do any of you girls have a longer labia? I do, I mean when I'm standing up you can see it kind of hang down which I hate. I think I'm more self-conscious now because I was hooking up with this guy once and he made a comment like "Ohhh extra long." I was like oh great, embarrassing. I know a guy shouldn't care, but I care. I feel like this is stopping me from sex now. Can you girls please help me with this one? Or even guys, if you've dealt with a girl whose had this.

Thank you so much.

I'm quite a bit older than you and maybe my thoughts might not be what you looking for; though I will offer them anyway as I was once your age.

Just what is normal? If you ask a guy he will tell you a guy with a big long, thick penis is normal. If you look at medical evidence the average vagina can only accommodate about 6", so is that what the normal length of a penis should be.

The nice thing about the human body is we are all different. So you have a longer labia; big deal. All that means is there is that much more to suck an nibble on during oral sex. Unless the longer labia causes you pain or other problems during sex I wouldn't worry about it. If some boy should say something about it in a derogatory way he is not only a fool but sexually inexperienced.

Enjoy what you have, you have been blessed with a very special sex organ. as I said if you are not having any pain or other problem during sex caused by your labia just relax and let your guy enjoy you.

I am 19 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend (21) for the past five years. He has a full time job and I have been working part time while going to college (I am a sophomore).

We both want to move out together in the near future and have been talking a lot about starting a family. When I told him I still hadn't picked up my birth control this month, he told me not to worry about it becase at this juncture in our life he was ready to let whatever is going to happen just happen.

This has kind of thrown me for a loop, because I really want children and I want to have them at a fairly young age. However I also wanted to be settled before starting a family. Unfortunately I plan on getting a Master's degree, which will take at least another three or four years. I definitely don't want to wait that long, but I am worried about how my family and friends would take me getting pregnant now.

I guess my question is if it's irresponsible to have a child now, even though my boyfriend and I both work, go to college, and want to start a family? We still obviously want to finish up our plans, but want to add a baby to the mix.

Thoughts?

I'll start by saying there is never a right time to have children, there is always something going on that could give cause not to bring a child into this world.

Based on what you have written my recommendation is that you wait. Children of unwed mothers are still stigmatised by that fact . You and your boyfriend have not made that life long commitment to each other that legitimizes your child(ren). Next is the fact that you are both in school and if I read into what you have written dependent on your parents. When you bring a child into this world they are totally dependent on the parents. How do you plan to pay for food, shelter, doctor, diapers and this is just the short list.

These are some of the things your friends might think about when you tell them your pregnant. They might be happy for you but also worried at the same time. It is irresponsible of you at this time to bring a child into this world. Your boyfriend, if he is not seeking a graduate degree should finish college and get a job. You should marry then think about having a child. There is no problem having a child and working on your Masters degree, if that is what you want.

short version: 20 yr old step daughter torturing us. tried everything, almost out of ideas. she\'s distroying our marriage. any ideas to stop her appreciated!

long version: i\'m a 32 yr old female in the us. i started dating a guy 5 yrs ago who had full custody of his 16 yr old daughter. he\'s 16 yrs my senior. soon, she began a quest to break us up. she was rude, ruined our dates on purpose, etc. he was blind & didn\'t see it. she\'s very sneaky & hid it well. eventually, i told him about her actions & when he confronted her, she was proud of her behavior!
when she was 18, he proposed to me. we had been together for 2 yrs. i agreed to marry, but only when she moved out & quit causing trouble. he gained control for a short while & i thought it was over. she moved out at 18 and we got married. he let his boundaries slide & her quest to torture us continued. he talked to her many times, but she had no remorse. she said she had no choice but to be this way because it\'s the only way to treat a stepmom. he has asked her many times if i had ever done anything. she quickly said \"no, her only crime was loving you.\"
i\'ve been called &^*&(@#(*& so many times and until recently, my husband wouldn\'t stand up for me. he also expected me to not do anything to her in return, so out of respect for him, i didn\'t.
she\'s 20 now (will be 21 in 4 months.) this past saturday, his daughter got drunk and called my hubby & asked him to come over & not judge her. she thought he wasn\'t coming & cursed him out. she called him everything from a sperm donor to a effin\' a$$hole. i heard her call me an effin\' b#$ch. when he arrived to her house, she was drunk, in her panties, lying face down on the floor, throwing up and cursing her mother on the phone. he yelled at her not to speak to her mother that way, took care of her, put her to bed & left saying \"i don\'t deserve to be treated this way. we will talk tomorrow.\"
on monday, he confronted her, but she was arrogant and angry. she said her fear with me is that we will both need him at the same time & he will be there for me. she was very self righteous & showed no remorse. he told her he would slap the $hi% out of her if she ever spoke about us that way again.
i\'ve never done anything to her. infact, i tried to be super nice & pray for her in private. then i moved on to ignoring her & avoiding her. next was trying to protect myself from her actions. now, i\'m flaming mad & need this to end or i\'m leaving!!! my curent idea is to make her scared of me. i don't know if it\'ll stop her from hurting us, but idk what else to do. i was in the marines & i am good at intimidating. i hate doing it, but i don't know what to do.
my husband & i are in marriage counceling & struggling due to the damage she caused.
so, last night, i went to her house and put stink things under her doormat & garage. when she steps on them, they\'ll make a huge stink. then, i went to her work & while in the parking lot, i poured one of the stink viles on her car, so she smells it at both places. i confronted her in the parking lot, telling her she doesn\'t know what an effin\' b is & i\'m going to give her an education. she just got all weepy & ran in her car saying \"i don\'t want to talk to you.\" i\'m planning to do a few \"revenge\" type things to her so she\'ll be looking over her sholder all the time. maybe, she\'ll be too scared to mess with us anymore. since she wanted an evil stepmom, will giving her one help? what to do??? if i do nothing, my marriage is over.
i don\'t want to be mean. honest to God i don\'t. i want to be a good stepmom, love her and be kind to her. but i\'ve taken all i can take for almost 5 years. all opinions appreciated. thanks in advance!!!!!!!!!!

I could remind you that two wrongs do not make a right. Stooping to your step-daughter's level is not the answer here; she is being very immature, self-centered and just plain bratty. I'm just pointing out the what you and your husband already know.

The fact that you and your husband are in counseling is a good thing. Your step-daughter also needs to be in counseling, something your husband and his ex should be trying to get their daughter to agree to. While step-parents and step-children do not always get along, there is usually an opportunity for a peaceful coexistence. Your step-daughter has taken a bad step-parent relationship to a new level. At 21 years of age she should be adult enough to understand that her parents have made choices that while she may not like them she has to accept them as they are her parents choice.

I can only believe that there is something larger fueling her anger. Something she may not truly understand herself. Working with a qualified therapist will help her understand what is the underlying problem and help her workout her feelings towards whoever she believes is hurting her. You may be the object of her anger but no the cause.

Work with your husband and his ex-wife for the benefit of their daughter and encourage her to seek counseling. At 21 she has to do it herself, she can't be forced to. You might start by asking her to join the 3 of you in family counseling.

thank you for your answer,and I took your advice.I was thinking,if she allows her father-in-law to grope her in public the way I witnessed the other day,and her husband had no response,then,it stands to reason,that she is prbably having sex with the father-in-law as well.The husband's father,who,no doubt,taught his son this lack of respect and boundaries.As I understand it,incest is against the law,(but I have no way of proving this,all my friend and I saw was the groping,and her delight at it.It was pretty shocking,actually).The father in law,on that day,also talked about the 'in home family dance contests'.These people are a nest of creeps,I can't believe I was friends with her for so long,but just simply was not close enough to know what was happening.I can't save this person.I do feel sorry for the little girl though,because I think the writing is on the wall for the child,unless these people all get help.This world is so amazingly sick sometimes.Thank you again.My e mail is sgl3_@webtv.net

Thanks for sending your e-mail address. The people that operate this site recommend that we communicate strictly through this website. I'm always here for you and you can contact me at any time through this website.

There is one thing you can do for the little girl. If you feel the family is incestuous in nature, you can report your concerns to the local child protective services office. Incest is against the law and is considered child abuse as well. While the child may not be being abused at this time if they see a pattern or suspect there are choices protective services can make.

HI,and thank you for your answer.yes,I am over 18.I have notified the authorities,and she is on watch.She began a teaching job recently,and,when we were still speaking,she would tell me how excited she was to be around all the teenagers,and would read the same books as they did,and,well,I see the writing on the wall.I have discovered that,even though she presented herself to me as loyal to her husband,(she pulled that tactic when she realized I would not have sex with her),she is a swinger,is probably prostituting,and watching her father-in-law grope her in public in front of me,a friend of mine,her husband,and some other people,and her giggling at that,was just beyond gross.I can't control her and I am powerless over her,but,while I miss the friendship,I don't want to see her again.Besides,how could she have ever have really been my friend if she wasn't honest? I was always doing things for her,helping her with school,showing her the in's and out's of real estate,giving her information I found on the internet about pregnancy when she was pregnant,(she didn't know anything).Now,I think she was having sex with a lot of different people while she was pregnant.Talk about out of control.She showed me her myspace page once,there were 349 'friends',half of which were pornstars!! She has also become a compulsive gambler.Yes,I am staying away.She is not safe,and couldn't be there for anyone.I feel sorry for the kid,though.Thank you again.Sorry for the long letter,I have had this bottled up for a long time

I'm not so sure this women should be around children of any age. If the police are watching her I'm sure they will decide when and if she needs to be removed from the school. I don't feel it would be in your best interest to say anything to the school authorities.

I am also left wondering about the state of her mental health. From what you have written here there are some classic symptoms that should be checked out. Not only by a psychiatrist but a neurosurgeon as well. From what you have written she has had a complete personality change; this is not a normal event for anyone. That is why I am suggesting someone try and convince her to see the doctors I have suggested. If you are still speaking to her husband you might say something to him if only to benefit the child.

No problem with the long letter, this is what we are here for. Feel free to write again if you need too.

i feel like my life is crumbling down. I'm thirteen,
my sister hates me and thinks i lie all the time, my boyfriend just wants me for sex, my best friend talks about me behind my back, my mom doesn't listen when i tell her i hate my life, my parents are divorced, my grades suck and nobody listens when i tell them i cant do it,everyone thinks I'm crazy, my parents both like my sister better, I'm the ugly one of the family who is good for nothing, sometimes my life hurts so bad it hurts, and Ive lost all hope that it can get better. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this. dying seems like the only way out, but i don't know if death hurts. all TV says its a relief and that its carries you away but what do they know? Why cant something in this world be hopeful? I hate it all. someone please help.

Edited answer: I'm sorry you feel my answer is wrong. Dying is not the answer and that is what stood out in what I read. Please do not consider dying as the only solution as it is not. Please follow the advice I have given you as it is good advice. there are people, doctors, social workers and therapist that can help you. You feel used and abused by your boyfriend and family.

Part of this is the extra sensitivity you are feeling because of the hormonal changes your body is going through as you go through puberty.To a degree it is normal; how you are feeling is not. There is medication that will help you feel better. Talk therapy with a trained therapist will help you workout the things that are bothering you.

You are 13 I'm 64 that's a difference of 51 years give me the benefit of my years that I know what I'm talking about. I know you are hurting and I would love to make all the hurt go away if I could. I can't the best I can do is give you the benefit of my years of knowledge and ask that you trust me and follow my advice. Call the hot line or go to the emergency room and get some help. There is no shame in asking for help. We live in a cold cruel world and some times we all need some help in navigating our way.

I don't know if you believe in god or a supreme being. I believe we are all put on this earth for a reason. You may grow up to the person that finds the cure for AIDS or cancer, one never knows. Okay you laughing now that's good. You never know what life has in store for you until you get there. You've hit a rough patch, with some help you will get through this and who knows you just may discover something,go on to be someone famous or the first women President.

Whatever life has in store for you remember this; take things one day at a time and always, always be kind to yourself.

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.

If you are feeling suicidal at this time call 911 NOW or go to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for help.

Suicide is not the answer to your problem(s). If you have not already done so I would like you to call the National Suicide hot line. There number is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They operate 24/7 and are totally free and confidential. They have a network of crisis center around the country they can refer you to for help, probably one right in your home town or close to you. The call takers are trained professionals who are volunteers and are there to help you; so please give them a call, they can and will help you through this.

As a parent I can tell you that your parents still love you. Parents never stop loving their children. There are times when we may not like them very much, but we never stop loving them.

Please call the hot line I recommended above. If you feel like hurting yourself before you can get to someone that can help you please call 911. Tell the call taker how you are feeling, they will send help. The normal response is to send both Fire Rescue and the Police. Do not be afraid, the call taker will most likely want to stay on the phone with you until help arrives. The police are there to protect you and the others not to harm you or arrest you. The fire rescue people are there to take care of you and to take you to the hospital.

What is hurting you CAN BE RECTIFIED or mitigated that I am certain of. Please call the hot line or go to the hospital for help. I know there are people who love you and would miss you if you were to do this.

If nothing else please remember this: There are people that love you. Your parents love you and four people who have never met you have taken the time to write to you to convince you that hurting yourself is not the answer and ask you to seek help for whatever is causing you to feel this way.

I am 22 years old and live an hour from my parents in Bowling Green Kentucky and attending college. However, I have made the decision to move to Miami in about 4 or 5 months to be with my boyfriend. Although, he is not the only reason...I am pretty miserable here in Bowling Green, need a break from school, and would love to have new surroundings. The problem is, I know that my parents are going to be furious, disappointed, hurt, and probably hateful. I love my parents and have always worked hard for their approval so I am absolutely dreading telling them the news....so much so that I lose sleep over it. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult, I support myself financially, and that my happiness is what is most important. But they won't approve of me taking time off school, living with my boyfriend, or moving 16 hours away. I'm desperate for some advice on the best way to break the news to them. Please help.

I am old enough to be your grandfather so my advice will be a little different than some of the other advisers.

You have asked a tough question in that I am torn between just answering the how to and asking if you have given this considerable thought.

As a 22 year old college women I would guess you to be in your junior year of college and from your writing your boyfriend in his senior year. The move to Miami is either to where he lives or where he will work. Hopefully he has a job offer waiting as Miami at the moment has a very depressed job market. The unemployment rate for recent college graduates is twice that of the national unemployment rate. Hopefully both you and your boyfriend have taken this into consideration.

For the moment lets assume your boyfriend does not have a job waiting. You have a job that pays well. As you stated he will be only a 16 hour drive away. Would it not make more sense for you to stay back in Bowling Green and continue to work, finish your education while he gets settled. When you want to get together you can each drive 8 hours and meet someplace in the middle. Should my assumption be correct my suggestion that he go and get settled first makes more sense than just pulling up stakes and moving to Miami without any support systems waiting there. If my assumption is wrong, then my suggestion is still valid but not quite as viable.

As to how to tell your parents of your decision: First you don't tell them over the phone or in an E-mail or letter. You tell them face to face. If you feel you are old enough to make you're own decisions then you are old enough to face the consequences of those decisions.

I'm sure your parents are going to be hurt, but there is a difference between being hurt and not loving you. Not knowing you or your parents I can't say how they will take you running off to live with your boyfriend and not being married. You know them better than anyone.

You start by saying "Mom, Dad I've made a decision that I'm fairly certain your not going to like." "Before I tell you what I've decided let me remind you that you have raised me right and to know the difference between right and wrong." From here you go into telling them what you have decided.

I had to cut off communication with someone I had known for a long time,as she was married,and at the same time really out of control sexually,(swinging,involved in prostitution,leading me on,etc),and incapapble of honest communication with me.Honestly,though I had known her for many years,this last year I was getting intense anxiety attacks around her.Now,she is spamming me constantly,(I see her IP address),and coming around all the places I go to ,with her husband,places she normally would not go to,as she lives 24 miles away.I gave up trying to communicate with her months ago,as I never got an honest answer.We used to talk daily,and I stopped because she admitted that she was just leading me on,would not explain why she let her father in law feel her up in public,and a lot of other things that I thought were pretty gross.Why is she coming around and also spamming me? How do I handle this?

I'm one of the older advisers on this site, so my advice will be more parental in nature.

You do not say how old you are. If you are under 18 this woman is committing several crimes with stalking being only one of them. Child abuse would be another, molestation would most likely be another, yes she has not touched you but a recent case in Maryland a man was convicted of child molestation without ever touching the child. Depending on the laws in your state I can see several other crimes that she is committing that would carry stiff prison time, up to about 20 to 30 years all told.

My advise if you are under 18 tell your parents what is happening and have them call the police. What is happening is most definitely a police matter and your parent need to file charges.

If you are over 18 you need to contact the police. Tell them what is going on and follow their advise. File for an order of protection. If noting else this will alert her husband as to what is going on, unless he is already aware and approves of her actions. If she violates the order of protection she will be locked up.

Unless and until you take the proper steps to stop her she will continue to harass you. The proper steps start with; under 18 tell your parents and have them call the police. Over 18 you call the police and follow their advice.

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