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Are my in-laws trying to fracture my marriage?
My brother-in-law moved in with us due to a divorce. He never cooked a meal, nor cleaned. He had my mother-in-law come so she could pick up after him and cook his meals. She started resenting the fact that I wasn't doing chores for my brother-in-law. She even demanded dinner when she'd return to the house with my brother-in-law. I told her I wasn't a cook nor a maid; that my priority was my husband, our relationship, our home and work. After she left, my brother-in-law's behavior deteriorated further and I told him to either get it together or to get out. He left. The guest bedroom was a mess and the bathroom was disgusting, feces all over the toilet seat, floor tiles blackened, stained. And although my husband agrees with me on all points, he hasn't stood up for me. His mother keeps calling, requesting this and that from him and she said nothing when told how her son left his filth in our home. Meanwhile my brother-in-law is "instructing" my husband not to release his e-mail address to me the same way his estranged is denied access to his e-mail info. I believe my husband should have told him that I was not interested in his e-mail info and that he should cease any attempts to issue orders with respect to me. So why is my husband being so complacent? Why isn't he setting boundaries and standing up for me, our relationship and our home?
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Well I know from my own expierence that he probably doesnt want his relationship with his mother and brother to go to crap he loves them and that his family before he was married to you so he has more of a bond to them sorry to say not saying that he doesnt love you because if he agrees on your points then thats all that should matter I know it sucks because you want him to defend you but put the shoe on the other foot if this was the opposite situation would you do that to your mother and brother or sister??
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It is sometimes hard to stand up to people. Especially family! Your husband is obviously, confused about which side to take. You need to sit down and explain how you feel. Ask him once and for all, which side he is on. You need to know where he stands!
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It is very hard for a wife to come between a man and his mother. Mothers wield powers over their sons that even the military bend to accommodate. Mothers are the nurturers of the family, they raise the children, the girls learn from their mothers, the boys are supposed to learn from their fathers. In many families moms rule the roost; what mom says is law and that is what husbands have learned.
It has taken me years of therapy to learn, preceded by years of unknown depression to realize what I have just written. It is the nature of our society that you are fighting and one that cannot be fought and won in a single battle. It is even written into most of our religions to honor thy mother.
What do you do about this? You sit down with your husband and talk with him. You don't criticize something that is ingrained; instead you discuss how you feel and that you understand how hard it is for him or any man for that matter to stand up to their mother. It is actually easier for a women to stand up to their mothers. You then can explore ways that together you can extricate your family out from under his mothers' demanding ways.
You are correct in your priorities as you told them to your mother in-law. Your family first and whatever it takes to keep your family safe and happy. Then time and fortunes permitting extended family members. Facts be known you mother in-law knows this and probably subscribes to the same rules. Problem here is she is protecting one of her babies, yes a male child is always a mothers baby, and expected you to do what she was not able to do herself.
Talk with your husband,calmly; you may want to have your clergymen assist in these discussions. There is also nothing wrong with seeking couples therapy with this problem. In fact I recommend it, not only for finding a solution to this problem but helping you avoid this same problem with your children when you have children.
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