|
What happened here with my gamer friends?
Hi everyone,
I hope this doesn’t come off as too long and far out there— I’ve been going back and forth about whether to post this, but I could really use advice how to deal with this. For some perspective, I am single woman, early 20's.
Back during Covid, I became gamer buddies with a married couple — let’s call them Jim and Joan (I learned later they were in their early 50's). They were in a clan I joined, and they were one of the few people that treated me like a person rather than "oh yea, WTF is a girl doing here playing this game". I ended up bonding with them, and given the rough patch I was having dealing with issues with my mom, honestly I kinda looked up to them as a "pseudo-mother/father" (tho knowing my father, truly was irreplaceable). I often would spend hours and hours gaming with them, so we ended up sharing a lot about our lives (admittedly more so on my part)which is pretty rare for me since I am usually not one to share feelings so openly. It felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime friendships honestly, where no matter how much time went by, you would just pick up where u started.
Unfortunately, I had a rough time being out on my own and making ends meet, so 2023 saw me drastically curtailing my gaming time.. It was during this time of 9 months inactivity, that things kinda changed — and I always wondered if it was because of me. When I finally got straightened out and had money/time to game again, I reconnected with Jim. And I was hoping to do the same with Joan, but I never saw her online but a few times, and it felt so strange because she didn't say a single word to me othert than "hi",
After playing several months with just Jim, I skyped him out of curiousity and that was the first time we saw each other (which honestly was kinda awkward). After I did this (a mistake?), that's when things really changed . I was told shortly thereafter by Jim, that his wife Joan said that she doesn't want to game anymore, and especially with you". He offered no explanation, other than to suggest that "he thought it might have to do with me being a young woman". Now the thing is, before there weas never once any indication his wife had any issue with me. I also will say that I never once thought of Jim in any romantic way. I simply thought they were nice people, qualities I would appreciate in anyone.
I carried a suspicion that they didn't have many friends between the both of them, especially Jim, and I won't lie, this kinda made me feel empathy for him in a way. Joan once told me his life was always "rough" because of how his father and other s mentally abused him. I would notice that after some prying (which was a lot of fun for me) he would open up to me a lot when his wife wasn't in the discord chat we made for our group, but I noticed that all changed when I thought it would be a nice surprise to skype him and show him what I looked like. I can't even recall why I did it, I didn't put any thought into it other than "it's a normal thing to do, right?"
It was after that his entire demeanor changed, he immediately up a wall, and just didn't want much to do with me afterwards. When I saw him in-game, and I would send him a message like what's up or invite to group and all I would get is ghosted or he would give these lame reasons aka "why he has to go" or "go after one match". When I finally called him out one night on how he and his wife were treating me, all he said was "you are too attactive". When I heard this I honestly just didn't know what to make of it, to make you fully understand, this was a man that once said things like "you were the daughter I wished I could have". Not exactly the thing you would say to someone you had a secret crush on. What they don't know is I wished they would be the mother and father I could have "again". Part of me being rough on my self, though wow maybe he was thinking I wasn't attractive actually. Truth is I know I am at least, pretty. It just feels weird to me, being told that "you are too attractive" as a reason to ghost someone, I mean who does that?
The hard part for me in all of this is, after having a tough time being pushed out of the house by my mom (this is a deeper worse story I'd rather not get into), I was counting on them to be the friends I remembered them to be.. Personally, knowing what I know now, I think Jim's wife is behind the scenes controlling who he’s allowed to see — and her telling him she can’t game or chat with me anymore is just so he can't either . I think she in insecure. And what hurts the most is… he went right along with it. They both needed a good friend and I was willing to be that for them both.
I’m felt confused and honestly kind of heartbroken. I don’t know whether I should confront them both if I get the chance, or if I should step back entirely and accept that maybe this friendship has run its course. I don’t want to make their situation harder, but it’s painful feeling pushed aside like this.
Any advice or kind words would really mean a lot right now. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read — I’ll be sure to rate and appreciate everyone who responds.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hi, it's not too long. In fact, I think I need some things cleared or explained before I even try to give my take on it.
By joining a clan, I assume it must be a gaming clan, not a family clan, right? Also wondering since you mentioned their age if all the people were older or if some were closer to your age.
When you shared about your life, was there some happy memories to share as well as the dark stuff?
After the 9 months, did you connect with others in the gaming clan as well as Jim or only him? Since you saw Joan rarely online, did you ask Jim if he didn't mind saying what was going on for her? You state later that you played only with Jim. So what happened with the other people who played? Were you not able to connect with them either? Was Jim the only other person playing this game? It sounds like you only tried connecting with Jim, no messages addressed to both of them or to any other members of the clan, is that correct? When you put pressure on him for reasons of ghosting, and the answer "You are too attractive" came, did you think those words were what he was thinking only or did you wonder if those words were spoken by Joan? Now you mention that they don't know that:
you wished they would be the mother and father you could have "again". I wonder why you chose not to mention it to them earlier on when things were good? When you ask who would ghost a person simply because the only reason stated is that the person is too attractive, who does that, I wonder if you truly don't know or if you know why but wanted Jim to break trust with Joan because of how much you felt they could fill the gap left by your own parents.I know you don't want to explain in detail, but you did say Mom pushed you out, not parents, so I assume Dad is not in the picture. Do you feel if Dad was in the home and making decisions as well, that you might not have been kicked out? You are of course close to the situation but I am not so I can look in from the outside but of all the things that could have been going on, so without really knowing either of them face to face, not on screen, that may Joan was controlling or maybe insecure, or there may be other things at play here.Next you state:And what hurts the most is… he went right along with it. So here I feel that there are assumptions, explanations in your mind why Jim would go along with it and that none of them are valid reasons for him to do this. I am left in the dark, not knowing what you are thinking, in depth about why, and whether you are open at all to any other possible reasons. Your last words are that you feel pain at being pushed aside, is that just by Jim? Do you feel the same pain regarding Joan? And lastly, how do you feel about each of your parents other than mentioning your Dad was irreplaceable and I wonder if was means he has passed on or if you used 'was' instead of 'is'.
Thank you, Dragonfly
]
More Questions: |