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Stepdaughter hates me and is destroying my marriage!

Question Posted Tuesday October 19 2010, 7:57 pm

short version: 20 yr old step daughter torturing us. tried everything, almost out of ideas. she\'s distroying our marriage. any ideas to stop her appreciated!

long version: i\'m a 32 yr old female in the us. i started dating a guy 5 yrs ago who had full custody of his 16 yr old daughter. he\'s 16 yrs my senior. soon, she began a quest to break us up. she was rude, ruined our dates on purpose, etc. he was blind & didn\'t see it. she\'s very sneaky & hid it well. eventually, i told him about her actions & when he confronted her, she was proud of her behavior!
when she was 18, he proposed to me. we had been together for 2 yrs. i agreed to marry, but only when she moved out & quit causing trouble. he gained control for a short while & i thought it was over. she moved out at 18 and we got married. he let his boundaries slide & her quest to torture us continued. he talked to her many times, but she had no remorse. she said she had no choice but to be this way because it\'s the only way to treat a stepmom. he has asked her many times if i had ever done anything. she quickly said \"no, her only crime was loving you.\"
i\'ve been called &^*&(@#(*& so many times and until recently, my husband wouldn\'t stand up for me. he also expected me to not do anything to her in return, so out of respect for him, i didn\'t.
she\'s 20 now (will be 21 in 4 months.) this past saturday, his daughter got drunk and called my hubby & asked him to come over & not judge her. she thought he wasn\'t coming & cursed him out. she called him everything from a sperm donor to a effin\' a$$hole. i heard her call me an effin\' b#$ch. when he arrived to her house, she was drunk, in her panties, lying face down on the floor, throwing up and cursing her mother on the phone. he yelled at her not to speak to her mother that way, took care of her, put her to bed & left saying \"i don\'t deserve to be treated this way. we will talk tomorrow.\"
on monday, he confronted her, but she was arrogant and angry. she said her fear with me is that we will both need him at the same time & he will be there for me. she was very self righteous & showed no remorse. he told her he would slap the $hi% out of her if she ever spoke about us that way again.
i\'ve never done anything to her. infact, i tried to be super nice & pray for her in private. then i moved on to ignoring her & avoiding her. next was trying to protect myself from her actions. now, i\'m flaming mad & need this to end or i\'m leaving!!! my curent idea is to make her scared of me. i don't know if it\'ll stop her from hurting us, but idk what else to do. i was in the marines & i am good at intimidating. i hate doing it, but i don't know what to do.
my husband & i are in marriage counceling & struggling due to the damage she caused.
so, last night, i went to her house and put stink things under her doormat & garage. when she steps on them, they\'ll make a huge stink. then, i went to her work & while in the parking lot, i poured one of the stink viles on her car, so she smells it at both places. i confronted her in the parking lot, telling her she doesn\'t know what an effin\' b is & i\'m going to give her an education. she just got all weepy & ran in her car saying \"i don\'t want to talk to you.\" i\'m planning to do a few \"revenge\" type things to her so she\'ll be looking over her sholder all the time. maybe, she\'ll be too scared to mess with us anymore. since she wanted an evil stepmom, will giving her one help? what to do??? if i do nothing, my marriage is over.
i don\'t want to be mean. honest to God i don\'t. i want to be a good stepmom, love her and be kind to her. but i\'ve taken all i can take for almost 5 years. all opinions appreciated. thanks in advance!!!!!!!!!!

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stepmom416 answered Sunday September 15 2013, 1:03 pm:
Your step-daughter feels threatened and thrown away. Her father needs to be there for her but needs to set loving boundaries that she is not going to act this way or she will be asked to leave, etc. Of course, revenge is a really bad idea, but I've felt that way before in my own situation. At the end of the day though, she's still his little girl. Compassion will work in your favor as well as forgiveness. I am a christian who re-married, and sometimes, I think it is our duty to make divorce work as much as we can. We should try harder than ever to make sure the step-children feel they are welcome any time like our own children (maybe even more so), but that they cannot be disruptive (as we would do our own children). This goes for any age child - 4 to 74! Your Step-daughter REALLY can't help the way she feels. Her family is her only roots. I hope since your post that things have improved.

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Sweet_LiL_Angel answered Wednesday October 27 2010, 10:09 pm:
Have you tried spending time with her alone or spending time with her as a family such as movie night. such as going to dinner. or take her to get her nails or hair done together. Do some stuff she likes to do yes 5 years is way to long to carry this but i think she may need to see a councler im sure her father being with another woman other than her mother bothers her.

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sml111992 answered Wednesday October 20 2010, 11:01 pm:
hi again well sometimes people have to make drastic measures when your husband asks her to go to therapy again suggest that he tells her that this is your last chance we have all tried with you if you dont want to get help and resolve this constant issue you have witht the family then when you bother us or harras us when we dont want you to then we will call the police and have you arrested. this is tough love hre and shes a grown women and really needs to grow up if she would rather act like a child and have a record on her than so be it she needs to stop running your life its time that you have the life you always wanted with your husband and if he wont tell her that then you should saying i love you but if you dont go then .... i'm sorry my first advice wasnt helpful you need to stay strong like you have been if things dont work out the way you wanted to then always remember things happen for a reason and its really sad that a 2o something year old is so selfish and immature. i would persoanally call the police or go to bigger extremes and perhaps have a restraining order on her. maybe you should print this out and mail it to her to show what other people think about her and the situation that your in.

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adviceman49 answered Wednesday October 20 2010, 8:52 am:
I could remind you that two wrongs do not make a right. Stooping to your step-daughter's level is not the answer here; she is being very immature, self-centered and just plain bratty. I'm just pointing out the what you and your husband already know.

The fact that you and your husband are in counseling is a good thing. Your step-daughter also needs to be in counseling, something your husband and his ex should be trying to get their daughter to agree to. While step-parents and step-children do not always get along, there is usually an opportunity for a peaceful coexistence. Your step-daughter has taken a bad step-parent relationship to a new level. At 21 years of age she should be adult enough to understand that her parents have made choices that while she may not like them she has to accept them as they are her parents choice.

I can only believe that there is something larger fueling her anger. Something she may not truly understand herself. Working with a qualified therapist will help her understand what is the underlying problem and help her workout her feelings towards whoever she believes is hurting her. You may be the object of her anger but no the cause.

Work with your husband and his ex-wife for the benefit of their daughter and encourage her to seek counseling. At 21 she has to do it herself, she can't be forced to. You might start by asking her to join the 3 of you in family counseling.

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Kintama answered Tuesday October 19 2010, 11:59 pm:
Well you could allways ask her if she wants to go to dinner or a movie or if she is going to hate you forever just tune her out hope this helps

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