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The "Right" Time to Start a Family
I am 19 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend (21) for the past five years. He has a full time job and I have been working part time while going to college (I am a sophomore).
We both want to move out together in the near future and have been talking a lot about starting a family. When I told him I still hadn't picked up my birth control this month, he told me not to worry about it becase at this juncture in our life he was ready to let whatever is going to happen just happen.
This has kind of thrown me for a loop, because I really want children and I want to have them at a fairly young age. However I also wanted to be settled before starting a family. Unfortunately I plan on getting a Master's degree, which will take at least another three or four years. I definitely don't want to wait that long, but I am worried about how my family and friends would take me getting pregnant now.
I guess my question is if it's irresponsible to have a child now, even though my boyfriend and I both work, go to college, and want to start a family? We still obviously want to finish up our plans, but want to add a baby to the mix.
Thoughts?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
I'll start by saying there is never a right time to have children, there is always something going on that could give cause not to bring a child into this world.
Based on what you have written my recommendation is that you wait. Children of unwed mothers are still stigmatised by that fact . You and your boyfriend have not made that life long commitment to each other that legitimizes your child(ren). Next is the fact that you are both in school and if I read into what you have written dependent on your parents. When you bring a child into this world they are totally dependent on the parents. How do you plan to pay for food, shelter, doctor, diapers and this is just the short list.
These are some of the things your friends might think about when you tell them your pregnant. They might be happy for you but also worried at the same time. It is irresponsible of you at this time to bring a child into this world. Your boyfriend, if he is not seeking a graduate degree should finish college and get a job. You should marry then think about having a child. There is no problem having a child and working on your Masters degree, if that is what you want.
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Wait till 25.
Seriously.
I'm 26, my wife is a few years older than you are. Believe me, we've got the same issues under discussion.
Think about it this way. Having kids changes your life entirely. Your priorities are different, your life and daily routine are entirely different. If you have kids at 19 or 20, you'll have exactly that much real life experience to hand them before they have to make the same choices you did to get really good advice.
You really aren't your own person yet. You're not done becoming an adult at 19-22. You need to establish an adult life for yourselves, and for christs sake you need to be married before you have kids.
That's not a moral issue. That's about finances, and the ability to combine resources legally to support the kids.
You've got the right idea. The baby bug hits all serious couples your age. Get through or mostly through college. Don't saddle yourselves with a time commitment you can't handle. You have time in your lives for work, school, or babies. Pick two.
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I dont think there is ever a "right" time. Personally... no one is ever ready, even when they are married and have already graduated college.
This is because kids change EVERYTHING.
I guess that's what you need to look at.
I am not in your boat, so let me tell you what I would do.
I would finish up that degree. I would then take some time to spend with my lady. I would do all the things we wanted to do.. vacation, travel, go to concerts, out with friends... because the moment Timmy Jr. comes, that party stops and it's play dates and birthday parties. There's nothing wrong with that, I just want to make sure I have lots of quality adventures with my chick before we add a mini me.
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It is not the time to have a child when the two of you have yet to make a life-long commitment to each other.
The two of you really need to sit down and talk about this, possibly with the help of a counselor. It sounds right now like the two of you have very different images of what your life together would be like. Does he see you getting your Master's? Does he see you having a profession?
It is decidedly not the right time until you are ready.
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Your boyfriend's comments might have been meant as sweet, but really, they were just careless.
There is no 'what happens, happens' for a healthy young woman. You are going get pregnant. Quickly. Unless there is some medical issue, it will happen.
He just made the choice for you both in a kind of off-hand way and that sucks. He probably meant well, but it was a lousy thing to do. Having a child deserves a great deal more discussion than that! He needs to clarify if his position on waiting has changed, and you need a better plan in place than just planning on living together, before you jump ahead to talking about a family.
It is irresponsible to choose to have a child now? Well, yeah. At very least wait until you’ve moved in together and are cohabitating successfully . It’s not hugely disgustingly irresponsible, but getting pregnant in the next few months is probably not the best plan for success. Finically (and all the stats bear me out on this one) you are probably best off to both complete your undergraduate work first. That guarantees you a base sort of level of income and stability. Having a child and completing a second degree, is a much different beast then having one and completing a first. You’ll have more options, more income and more income potential, more experience at living as an adult and as an adult couple.
Start taking your birth control again, and tell your boyfriend that this is a conversation that deserves a lot more time and thought devoted to it than just an comment about 'whatever happens.' The best path, is probably to wait a few years. Doesn’t mean you have to take that path, just know that it’s probably the most responsible thing to do to give your future child the best beginning in life possible.
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Its irresponsible to bring a baby into a relationship where neither partner has made a lifetime commitment to the other. You are so very young. Having 2 children of my own, I know intimately the drama and difficulties of raising a child. EVERYTHING else gets put on hold for a while and it is all about the child. I'm curious as to why the two of you would talk about having a child before getting married. That makes no sense to me. You're willing to give up an education (because trust me, getting a Masters while working to support a baby will be very, very, very hard) and your youthful freedom to make a lifetime commitment to a child, but you're not willing to make a lifetime commitment to your child's father? You'll bring your child into a situation that is not stable, relationship wise or financially or even educationally. It sounds selfish to me. It is selfish. I have no issue with you having a baby at this age. Its different for everyone. But to just throw caution to the wind and hope for an "oops" moment, when you don't even have a home together, let alone an engagement ring? Well, I can't show a crystal ball and no one can stop you from doing what you want, but if you could skip ahead 10 years and talk to your future self, I'd bet she would tell you to not be so impatient. She would tell you that at 19 you still don't really understand how drastically your life is going to change in the next 5 years, how drastically your feelings, principles and ideas for your future would change. She would tell you that being a mother is a wonderful privilege, and a baby is a miracle, and that she wished she had waited to be a mother until she had the time and money to devote to parenthood. She would tell you that you and your boyfriend have your whole lives to get prepared for a family and that, no matter how prepared you think you are now, you're not. I wish you could meet her and talk to her. I think you'd be looking at this whole thing a lot differently. If its the love of a child you're looking for, someone who'll never leave you, who HAS to love you, maybe you need to ask yourself why you think you need that, what has led you to this point. If you and your boyfriend decide to get married and set up a stable home to bring your child into, I wish you the best. I still wouldn't encourage it, because you are so young, but at least it would show you are committed to do whatever it takes to give your child the best family life possible, and that its not just about you. But you don't sound at all ready to start a family. Please wait. For your own sake and your child's sake. You'll never regret it. I promise.
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