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humorist-workshop
getting over a hopeless relationship
I'm 20 and I broke up with my first love a year ago. I loved him with every fibre in my being and did literally everything for him, even if it went against my morals. I spent all the money I had on getting him expensive gifts and I stuck with him, even when he couldn't care less about me. When we broke up because of the fact that he didn't wanna deal with commitment, at this stage in his life, he wasn't upset, not even for a day. It's been over a year and I've been the only one carrying all this pain and I've been holding so much hope that we could get back together, someday. We still see each other and he kisses me and that's what gave me hope that he still likes me. But last night, he told me that he'd never even think of marrying someone like me and that he needs a submissive kind of girl who doesn't pick up on the wrong things he does, like I did.I always picked up on all his lies and everything he hid from me. It hit me all at once, last night that he's been using me this past year and using my vulnerability. I cried in front of him for two hours straight and he kept saying the same things like "You're not my first love so I can't hold that much love for you" and "I told you I didn't want a relationship" "My first made me lose all my emotions" . I don't know why I'm so attached to him or why I'm even this devastated over a jerk like him. I just need someone to talk some sense into me. I worry, that I'll never be good enough for someone. What else can I do for someone to make them appreciate me? I allowed him to cross so many limits of mine and went above and beyond for him, and I get this, in return. How will I expect the next guy in my life to appreciate what I'll do for him and not break my heart again?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all, I'm sorry you've had to go through this! Secondly, I'm glad to see you have so many responses.
Okay, on to my answer...
It honestly sounds like your ex is a major jerk and he was just using you for his own wants. You can't always help who you grow attached to so don't beat yourself up for caring.
As for doing something to make someone appreciate you, you shouldn't have to. If someone doesn't accept and appreciate you for who you are, forget them, move on; they aren't worth the potential heartbreak. You are good enough as you are and no guy should make you feel otherwise.
The problem isn't you. NO ONE should EVER pressure you into compromising your morals and no relationship should be about one person catering to the wants and desires of the other.
You will find someone who is right for you (and good enough for YOU), you just have to be patient and take the time to get to know yourself and love yourself. Figure out who you are on your own so you don't end up losing your identity in a relationship.
I wish you all the best and hope that I've helped in some way...
I also answered your question in video form. If you would like to watch it's at [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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The problem with your relationship is that it was entirely one-sided; what you rightfully needed from your boyfriend was at odds with what he was, and is, able or willing to give.
To sum up what I gather from your description of your ex:
a) He is not looking for a committed relationship, possibly because he has been hurt in the past. He even expressed to you in plain English that he "...didn't want a relationship." For whatever reason (usually having more to do with early experiences in life/with a parent) he is afraid to commit. So he won't.
b) He does not want to be called out on his lies. What this boils down to is that he wants to have the freedom to do and say what he wants, even if it hurts you, rather than own up to any wrongdoing and put in any real effort toward changing. He said that he needs a "submissive girl who doesn't pick up on the wrong things he does." Basically, he wants to continue doing those "wrong things" without having to own up to them. This will never result in having a healthy relationship.
c) He seems uncomfortable with your display of emotions (crying), and instead of comforting you or trying to actually hear you out and LISTEN to you, he kept brushing off your concerns and sadness by rationalizing his immature behavior (i.e., by saying things like "my first made me lose all my emotions."). Translation: He is not ready to admit to any wrongdoing, and is instead trying to rationalize why he did/said what he did.
d) A kiss is just a kiss, in this case. Just because he kisses you when you see him doesn't mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's purely physical for him, he might do it out of habit, or to make you feel better. I don't know. All I can say is, his past behavior indicates that he is not prepared to be in a healthy relationship with you or anyone else at this point. I would suggest cutting all ties with him. You deserve much better.
e) You are already aware that he has been using you and your vulnerability, but don't blame yourself. It is really easy to get our emotions tangled up and make the wrong kinds of decisions for ourselves when we fall in love. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who is wrong for us and our happiness. And it's really easy to get hurt. It doesn't have to be this way, just because you had this one bad experience. You're still young.
You ask what else you could do to make someone appreciate you? Nothing. The answer is nothing. You should never have to go out of your way to gain anyone's approval. Simply take care of yourself and your own emotional needs, and be yourself. The right kind of person will appreciate you for who you are. And then, when you do special things for each other like spend time together, celebrate events, etc., it will be reciprocated by that person. Why? Because they care, and they want to make you feel happy as well. The next guy in your life will absolutely appreciate what you do for him, because he will value who you are and what you do. And usually, decent people do decent things like acknowledge your efforts and do their very best to give back. Because that is what healthy relationships are all about: give and take. Your ex emotionally depleted you without giving back-- the truth is, he is in no position to. You need to seek out other guys who are confident in who they are, generous and giving toward others/those they care about, and ready/willing to commit to one lucky girl: YOU.
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Love is hard but he has been damaged by a girl before you and if you let him carry in he will damage you well he is because your scared of love now. The idiot you aren't picking up on bad things your telling him what he doesn't want to hear he wants to think he's perfect when all your doing is expressing your feelings which your allowed to do. Stop letting him take you for a mug do not speak to him delete any contact with him!!! And what's the point in being with someone if it won't last he doesn't want commitment so you shouldn't want him. He's an idiot and he's tAken advantage of you he's done all these things wrong like keeping lies and he's making you feel like it's your fault. Get mad tell him all the shit is his fault and if he doesn't like it tough tell him to leave you alone. Then you'll stop having this false sense he will come back you deserve to be respected by a man and if I were you I'd go it alone become independent and happy and the right guy will come along just you watch.
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Love is hard. I've been in two serious long relationships. The important part to note is the TWO. That means you will find someone again. It's hard to get back on your feet. It always feels like you lost something. What I've heard recently that made me feel better, atleast a little bit is that if you feel empty after a break up, then that person was probably filling a void in your life. Lonely and sadness is normal. But empty is not.
Saying all that doesn't make a difference on how it hurts though. I'm really sorry you are going through all of this! But you do deserve someone who does all the things you did for your ex to you. That's a more even relationship.
It's hard to find someone worth your time and that you connect with, especially when you are still hurt. But one day when you are feeling better, someone will come into your life and work with your insecurities and uneasiness about the relationship and getting hurt again.
I promise! And I know it doesn't make it easy, but just know that I too have been there. And it's not fun. But I wouldn't trade my relationship that I have now for the world! You'll get around this and be stronger than ever! If you need anything else or just want to vent, feel free to message me!
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the crazy thing about this is that i been through the exact same thing i noticed every lie and wrong my ex did... and when he left me my whole world went out the door behind him i felt i couldnt find better a year passed i still seen him and we were cool no kissing just long hugs.. but when i found someone new i thought about him and how he was... just pray to god and only talk to guys who are ready for a real relationship.. every since then i ask bguys i dated what they are really looking for and i got some bad answers it lead up to me now 20 years old planning my wedding day how cool is that just keep in mind get rid of the past to have the best future the next guy who walks in your life wil be your king xoxoxoxoox good luck
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I'm sorry this happened to you; I've been in the same situation. Speaking from experience, you're going to feel terrible for a while. It does get better; the pain eases, your perspective changes, and you move on to someone who deserves you.
It's pretty obvious that this guy does not. He used you, lied to you, then showed no remorse when he left. Worse, he tortures you every time you see each other, dangling the hope of his renewed affection in front of you. He is not worth your tears. You'd be perfectly justified to kick him in the shins the next time you see him.
My advice: try not to see him if you can avoid it. If you do have to be in the same place at the same time, ignore him. If he tries to talk to you, tell him to go away. (That should be the only thing you tell him. Don't engage him in conversation, or he'll try to hook you again.)
Give yourself time to heal after this. Don't rush into a new relationship. Spend some time thinking about what you want in a partner, and what you expect from him. Make lists of what you want, what you don't want, and what you'll tolerate.
One thing I've learned is that you can't make someone appreciate you. They either do, or they don't. If they don't, no expensive gift, loan, favor, or act will make them change. They're not worth your time. Someone who does appreciate you will show it clearly, and will respect your boundaries and morals.
There is hope; it does get better. Stay strong, and take some time for yourself. Hope this helps.
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I can tell you that there are plenty of guys that want a girl that will call them out on their bullshit. It doesn't seem full on that he was using you, just that you two wanted different things and had different expectations from the relationship. Yes the first love is special, and we never forget them, and I guess he is using that as an excuse, which is wrong, because really, every love is special. The heart wants what it wants. Your emotions won't care that he is a jerk. You have to use the logical part of your brain to keep reminding yourself that he is a jerk. Don't let one bad experience make you think that you aren't good enough. He isn't good enough for you. What you can do is be yourself. Don't let a guy push you into crossing your limits unless you are comfortable doing so. You went above and beyond, and it seems like he didn't put in much effort, and is now just looking for someone who won't make him put in any effort at all. That's not what you want. You can find a guy who will put effort into the relationship too. Who will appreciate you trying to help him become a better man.
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First, never let a guy make you do things you don't to. I know you feel like you are in love, but that doesn't mean you should let him have all he wants. Its a 50/50 partnership in a relationship. It should be equal. It is hard (trust me, I know) but you are young and you will find someone else. Put yourself first. YOU are the most important thing in YOUR life. If you say no, make it a HELL F-ING NO. Don't let a guy convince you. You should just let him go. It is hard but it is do-able. If it makes it any easier remove him completely out of your life. Don't talk to him even if it goes against your heart. The heart is too fragile and falls in love too fast. But only because you think you are in love, it doesn't mean you are. Honestly if you are in a relationship and you see yourself doing most of the work, IT IS NOT WORTH IT (especially is they make you feel bad, cry, etc). There are plenty fish in the sea. Heart break is part of life, and I can't tell you that you will not experience it again. But the best thing you can do is love you, LOVE YOURSELF. And learn from it. Don't be afraid of loving, but don't let them take the lead of your life. I hope this helps. I wish you luck. Stay strong and love your self.
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Gee, OP. What a total dick. : / I'm very sorry that this guy set you up with continuous disappointments. Doing what he did can easily destroy trust. I do hope you stopped seeing this guy. He really isn't good for you and you deserve someone who can stay true to his word if he makes a promise. I understand, it's difficult to break a cycle like that. I think the reason why you are so attached and keep going back, is because you still love him and are comfortable with him. He's gotten to know you, so he knows what you like , and you probably poured your heart out to him.
It does takes a lot of work to learn to be vulnerable to someone else. It's like you're starting the whole 'courting' process over. But the more you practice, wether it be with a potential partner or friend, the more comfortable you get. Even if it doesn't work out with that person, at least you tried!
Don't beat yourself up for being sad over this guy. Like I said, you loved, trusted, and enjoyed taking care of him. Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate. He was and is a selfish dude. So, I suggest that you stop seeing this douche-head completely. No contact. Distract yourself: surround yourself with good people and learn how to take care of yourself. This may seem selfish (and it is, but in a good way) but you should learn to put your happiness and needs first. That's right, pumpkin! If you're caught up with making someone else happy, then you are going to be miserable. And if someone truly loves you, they would want to be happy too. :)
If you want to be appreciated, appreciate yourself. Learn to become aware of what you need to be happy. So, when you meet someone, you are able to recognize if your needs are being met. When you are ready to date, try and be brave. If you recognize the right qualities in dudes, then you will attract the right person. If it helps, write down what you want in a guy and keep that in mind. But it is very important to learn to love yourself first!
Dating again may be scary. You might have luck or not, but you will acquire experience and learn what you, as a person, need to be happy. Go slow and keep and open mind, and have fun! Sorry this is long, but I hope it helps. :) Good luck, sweet cheeks.
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Hi,
I'll be brief but our first love is always painful. It hurts both, but especially you since its your first. It's like the first time you ride a bicycle and fell. Well, you get up and try again on this tricycle. If that tricycle breaks you get another one. I make the bicycle example because it's easy to follow. If you believe in love it finds you and if you are lucky, it will find you both. This boy you now date is not ready to commit and you can't force him to love you no matter how much you try. Just stop seeing this person, heal, and a new person will be in your life before you knew it. People come and go, but the good ones that are hard to find stay if they love you. Try it.
Good luck stranger,
ULO
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You already know how that he wasn't worth your affection and it's just a matter of time until you learn who is worth it. Don't see him anymore. Don't listen to him that you're not submissive enough, if anything, you're far too submissive. Show yourself respect and only spend your valuable time and energy on someone who will respect you as much or more as you do. I would recommend the book "The Rules" if you want to find someone who treats you well. It has a lot of great tips to help you fake it if you don't feel valuable or know how to act like you're special. Good luck.
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He is just one of those cheap and fake inhuman beings on earth.. Thinking about him is just a waste of time..so its better that you break all contacts with him and stop thinking about him...I know its not easy... But he's just a moron..move on... Not every guy is the same..
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He is a piece of shit, he is a child and all he cares about is himself right now. He's going to grow up one day abd regret everything because he will understand what a child he was and what he misses out on. I hope you have the knowledge that you deserve better abd it's nothing you did wrong some people are just shitty. It takes time but you will move on abd you will get what you deserve which is si much more. Keep your head up dear
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True love . You will both benfit only then you will be treeted good
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Okay, so I actually know exactly how you feel. I dated my first love for 3 years. I did everything for him at his beckoning call, as well as giving him money just like you. When we broke up over very bad terms it almost destroyed me completely. It took me 2-3 years to get over him and find hope again. I was about 18-19 then. and am now 23
You are devastated because he meant the world to you, and he let you down. you trusted him to care and to come back and take care of you, and he did the opposite.
I can tell you that it does get better, and hope will come by, and you will find someone who appreciates you for you. You don't need to change yourself to be appreciated. The right person will appreciate you for who you are, be strong!
I know because of this heart break you will be very leery to let another guy into your heart, But know this deary, just because this one guy is a bad egg, does not mean the next one will treat you the same way. Have faith that there is good men out there that you can have a happy ending with.
Hope this helps
*Jasmine<3
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Im sorry I took awhile to answer. First I wanna say the worst feeling In being in love is to feel that you've gave your all and nothing is given in return. Im sorry that he hurt you , and made you feel what he shouldn't have made you felt. But the best advice from being in the same position you are in is being able to love YOU .it sounds "cliché" but its true ,often times people will enter our lives and make us feel something we never felt by ourselves. That's why we can't let go.but you gotta find the beauty in yourself. Its hard but you have to take it one day at a time. And once you unleash that inner beauty and confidence. It'll help you move on and it'll help build up walls that only the person that was meant to love you and climb over. Also never be afraid to love. Don't feel stupid about loving someone. If anyone should feel stupid its him. He doesn't deserve your love. Love him and yourself to move on and find someone who will give there all to you. I hope I helped. Don't ever lose hope in finding love.
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First of all,I'm so sorry about everything. And I totally understand how you feel,because I was in almost the same situation before. I've dated a lot of jerks.
But don't for a second think that you'll never be good enough for someone. He didn't realize what he had when he had you. But I can promise you that someone will come along and appreciate you. Someone out there is looking for someone like you,and they'll find you one day.
And I know that right now you're heart broken,and in the worse place possible. And when your heart is broken,it feels like every other piece of you is broken and hurting as well. But you can't let that stop you. Getting your heartbroken by someone is definitely going to hurt like hell,and is worse than any physical pain you can experience. But it's also going to help you. It's going to help you realize what you want in your next relationship and what you don't want.
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I know you wanna give your all to the guy you love but sometimes, if you give everything, then later on, you won't really have anything else to give and spoiling them too much will make them less appreciative of the things you do. As for the next lucky guy in your future, just be there for him but don't give everything away, like spending on super expensive gifts....stuff like that. Hearts will be broken sometimes but ya know, life isn't perfect and it won't always go your way. You still need to remain strong on your morals and beliefs though because giving that up for a guy is affecting you more than it is affecting a guy. Be there for your next guy but have your own mind on things and independence.
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The first thing i noticed is that you are an amazing woman one who is one in a million and you were just with someone who could not see that.But you were too much good to him there has to be balance learn to be not so good to everyone.I know you think you gave him years from your life but sit and think you are giving him your precious time again thinking about him.Learn from great people Warren Buffett said if you make a mistake think about it until you find the lesson from it.Then keep the lesson forget the mistake.You just have to see too that you are too much focused on him and you dont see your other opportunities in being in a relationship with other guys.HE is keeping you on a hook.Sorry for the language and with as much as care i have for your issue but gonna tell you go fuck someone else and you will forget him.Start searching again dont stop and dig a hole for yourself to be in.
Read books from Dr. Helen Fisher Why him why her
and Men are from Mars women from Venus Dr John Gray to get some knowlage how not to make Huge mistakes in your life and how to next time just experiment with 1 or 2 days dating someone to see if he does not suit you or you dont feel he is for you on to the next one.Because you are a beautiful person and you deserve the best one for you.Thats my rule too for relationships.
Nick
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Follow the three F's,
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Oh I just want to hug you! I know exactly how you are feeling..listen, its going to be really very hard for sometime..but you WILL move on, and you WILL find someone else who will treat you right. Don't think about that loser, he didnt respect or deserve you and dont EVER think you deserved any of that crap he did to you. and dont EVER sacrifice your standards and morals for anyone. What I learned from watching Steve Harvey is that YOU are the prize, guys will chase after you and there will be one who will respect you and accept you and love you for who you are and you are going to have to make them work for it and NEVER settle for anything less than that. You need remove that loser from your life. Get rid of him on fb, your phone, delete things he's sent to you, get rid of things he gave to you if he ever did at all. Don't let him see how much pain he's caused cause unfortunately, he probably doesnt care. But that doesnt mean there will never be someone who cares. There will be and dont beat yourself for letting someone treat you like this..this was a great lesson for you to learn how you dont want to be treated and how you dont want to feel again. Please believe you are so much more than how he treated you and that hes just a loser, he doesnt deserve all you did for him. You seem like a beautiful person for being willing to do all those things for someone you love. You deserve someone who will do all those things for you too. But if someone isnt being honest and loyal and loving you like you should be loved then dont sacrifice everything for them, dont waste your time. In this time being away from him, surround yourself with inspiration and loving friends and family, focus on being yourself and doing what your heart desires and what you want to accomplish in life. and when you least expect it someone amazing will come along and treat you like youve never been treated before. and if you believe in religion and spirituality focus on that too. Forget that loser, youre beautiful and deserve only the best. I hope that helped! Good luck! I'll pray for you tonight !
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From a third party perspective, I can see that this relationship is not healthy. Nor is it one I think you should try to be in. I understand how great it is to feel to be able to love and appreciate someone but you have to understand that a relationship involves that feeling both ways. If you are not receiving what you give, then you are not in a good relationship. To think that this is the only guy for you is something you should truly not worry about. He's basically telling you he doesn't want you but you keep running back to him. You have to remember guys are guys, if you are giving them what they want, they will never tell you to leave. You should truly find it within yourself to say that you don't need to be treated like this anymore. Strong people do not take anything lower than what they deserve. If you are willing to be a great girlfriend and give as much as you can, then until you find a guy willing to do just as much and more, you will not be in a good relationship. You should NEVER make someone appreciate you. When guys truly care about you, they do any and everything they can to make sure they make you theirs. The guy you are with now, has no intention of doing that. He clearly does not respect you or your wishes or your kind heart. You will only end up getting more hurt in the long run. Also, you must never judge all guys as the same. Just because one guy mistreats you or neglects you, does not mean every guy from there on will. People get comfortable with affection, without commitment, and clearly that is what this guy is doing to you, since you say you guys kiss. I just want you to know that, just because he kisses you does not mean he cares. It takes more than a kiss to hold people together. So please make the right choice and to leave. Seeing people let misery take over their life on purpose is quite angering. I know you know what you have to do, and I completely understand how hard it is. But he isn't the only guy. You just need to put yourself in the right environment with the right kind of people and sooner or later you will meet someone who will cherish everything you have to offer them. I hope this helps.
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At first sorry for you. You have done so much for the guy but he didn't even try to understand your feelings. Forget him. Never contact him again. I know it will be hard for you but you have to do it. You are doubting at yourself because of him. So forget every single things about him. Try new hobby, hangout with friends, listen songs, watch funny movie. Do whatever you like. Don't get depressed. You know you don't have to perfect for anyone. None is perfect in this world. And we all should love our imperfections. Oneday someone will love you for what you are actually. Don't change yourself for anyone. And yes just because some stupid didn't care for you doesn't mean every guy will be the same. You know oneday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work with anyone. The real guy won't break your heart. You are only 20. A great life ahead is waiting for. Be yourself, do what you what to do.
Wishes for you.
If you need any help again. Let me know.
Thank you.
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I will say that the guy is not your guy if you don't let him go you will not see the guy who will treat you like a queen. just calm down forget about him enjoy life with your friends. I know when he see you move on he will regret leaving you. you are a special being you will find that special guy for you.
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This is a hard situation. But I can tell you this: with the right person, you won't have to do anything to get them to appreciate you. They will just appreciate you. It won't matter if you do absolutely nothing to make them love you. The right person will just love you because you are you. So hang in there. You just haven't met the right guy yet.
The other thing I can say is that sometimes, the more you do for people, the LESS they appreciate you. If you give someone everything, the person tends to take it for granted. This is especially true with guys. The more you do for them, the less they appreciate you. This is because guys enjoy a challenge. I'm not saying play hard to get or be coldhearted or anything like that. I'm saying that you shouldn't cross your own limits for guys the way that you did in this relationship. Guys don't like you more when you make sacrifices for them. In fact, they think of you as less valuable because you are willing to give up so much for them. When you give up things for a guy, you are basically saying "my needs don't matter". If you hold firmly to your limits, you are basically saying "I matter!" Guys listen to that and they will treat you better as a result.
A great example is sex. The quicker you sleep with a guy, the less likely it is that the relationship will last. This is for the same reason as above. By sleeping with a guy quickly, you are basically saying "I am not that special. I don't require a lot of work". If you make the guy wait, you are basically saying "I am important. You are lucky to get the chance to experience my personality and if you are very very lucky you will get the chance to experience my body as well". Then the guy stays longer because you have basically told him that you are something special by making him wait.
The bottom line is this: don't worry about impressing men. They more you try to impress them, the less impressed they are. Instead, start believing that you are good enough and that any guy would be lucky to have you. Guys will pick up on that and be even more attracted than before! Oh, and try not to do anything but kiss the guy for the first two months. It's hard, but that really sends the message that you need to be won over by him and that he needs to treat you well in order to get any more physical affection from you.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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It's not you. I'd say he's reluctant to commit and definitely shows all the signs of a strongly controlling personality. His actions and attitudes, and the sacrificing of some/many of your own values in order to win his esteem have badly eroded YOUR self-esteem, hence you feel 'not good enough' for someone else. Relationships like this are toxic. And in honesty, there seem to be many young women lately who seem content to stay in relationships which are quite frankly, abusive (on a psychological/emotional level, not talking physical abuse). Relationships they should have ended themselves. You are better off without this person in your life. He's given himself away totally as a control-freak by admitting he could not handle a relationship with a woman who dares to criticise him, and is essentially submissive. Guys with more well-rounded personalities appreciate a woman they admire and respect, and some of the qualities you tried to bring to this relationship would be appreciated, not abused as he has abused them. You have much to offer by the sound of things. Remember it is his character which is essentially flawed. A control-freak is NOT an assertive and capable man, he is a weak man who looks for 'victims' to impose his will on. Only thing I'd pick YOU up on is a the 'crossing of limits and going against personal values' theme which seems to recur. This is NEVER a good idea. NOBODY is worth sacrificing your integrity and self-respect for. EVER. If they expect, or try to coerce or emotionally blackmail you into it, they are bad news. Walk away every time. This is NOT compromise (which is a good thing). One person cannot compromise. Two people can 'reach a compromise'. One person can only compromise themself. Which is not a good thing. And get yourself out of that 'what I'll do for him' mindset he has hammered into you, which you give away at the end. It should be a case of 'what you will do for each other'. Forget this guy. And move on. X
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You are so much better off without him and you know that. If you guys got back together, you'd be unhappy. Especially knowing everything he's said to you. He can't take those words back and I'm positive you won't forget them.
He said mean, awful things to you. You clearly deserve someone who will appreciate the things you do for them and be more respectful towards you.
He was your first love so it's understandable that you feel so attached. But you need to let go. Once you move on, he'll realize how stupid he was that he actually had a girl who would give him the world but by then, you'll be happy with someone else.
Just because one guy is an idiot and doesn't see your value doesn't mean that nobody else will. I mean you're only 20, you have so much time to fall in love again.
You don't have to do anything specific to make someone appreciate you. If they love you, they'll appreciate all the things you do for them and everything about you. This guy was just a lesson learned.
Heartbreak happens. Some worse than others but either way, it all hurts. You can't go into another relationship with trust issues and walking on glass. You need to be open to finding something better and not holding yourself back.
In the mean time, don't talk to him anymore. Cut him out of your life. Delete his number, unfriend him on any social network and go out and take care of yourself.
You did things so many things for him and I think you lost yourself when you were with him. So I think this can be your you time. To take care of yourself first. You are the most important person in your life and you need to learn to love yourself and learn that if someone doesn't love you, then it's their loss.
You won't be happy with anyone if you're doubting yourself.
So take care of yourself right now. Get rid of him. Go out with friends, meet new people and try new things. Spoil yourself and make yourself feel good.
Then you'll find yourself feeling better and moving on.
If you keep talking to him and spending all your time wishing you were with him, you won't move on.
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Ohh Honey, you are going to have to learn to have some respect for yourself first and love yourself enough to not allow yourself to end up with someone like him.
Guys this age are not ready to commit generally. High school dating doesnt count much either. Its what happens more in ones 20's where we really begin to grow up and mature and really learn the do's and don't of dating and relationships. He may not really have a clue what he is looking for in a girl "submissive who doesnt pick up his bad habits"...I am sorry but hearing a guy say he wants a submissive woman just gets my dander up. It should never be the guy running the show with the woman doing His every wish, doing His will, anticipating His every need, and doing everything for Him without Him doing all the same for her.
Relationships and marriage or long term couples is all about there being a balance. It cant be one doing all the doing and the other being a dead weight. Relationships like that are unhealthy. When you said you did every for him even if it went against your morals, that was the wrong thing to do...but the good thing is that you got to find that out and know better now from experience. Never do that every again.
By doing that to impress and win the love and respect of a young man, young gals are actually creating spoiled monsters and the young men will never learn to treat a female better if they have a constant stream of females ready to fall all over themselves to place him on a pedestal and treat him like a KING and choose to take on the role of being one of his 'subjects' of his realm...in essence slaving and working hard to make sure the King has everything.
If thats the kind of life you want, then go ahead and continue what you are doing, but you will never end up the Queen at some guys side, only a hard working peon of his realm to be used by him.
What you have essentially been doing dear, is placing him in the drivers seat of the relationship, allowing him to have control of it. Some guys won't allow the woman to have a say in the relationship and some women are not willing to be one of the drivers of the relationship. It should be equal time in the relationship, each having a say and doing what ever they can to please the other.
What is needed is that women take control. Instead of trying to win the guy, it should be the other way around, the guy doing whatever he can to win the woman. And a guy is not going to be able to win a woman easily who has set high ideals, knows what she wants, is not afraid to ask for it, and is not willing to lower her standard for any guy. That dear, is confidence in the extreme and a self respect for yourself. And that is a very attractive quality in women for the mature men. A great amount of guys will pass you by and say you're asking too much and expecting too much....guess what!! You've just rules out all the undesirable guys.
If you want someone who will be equal partners with the right girl, is looking to fall in love and make a commitment and treat his lady like a Queen, then you have to come at thing dating thing from a totally different stand point. I have studied several relationship experts and they all say the same thing, so I am not making this up. If you want different results, you have to begin doing things differently.
So first, you need to know what you are looking for in a guy who will be perfect for you. That means, you have to also know well, who you are. Not your accomplishments but who you are at core, what makes you tick, your passions, your beliefs, hopes and dreams, and only then can you begin to form a list of what you Need and what you Want in a guy. If you want to have kids someday, then a Need would be, a guy who also really wants kids someday. Some don't. You dont want to even think about dating someone and getting to the point of having your heart attached to him hoping things will change. Nope, he either meets the check points on your list right now, (because there is no guarantee he will change) or do not even date the guy.
I am talking about a real list dear and I know it works. At 20 I married a man who ended up being verbally abusive tho he didnt show that side of himself until after I married. I learned the hard way. You are reaching out for advice now so you dont have to learn the hard way after this. But i made the list to search for my 2nd husband. And I got everything I wanted. Its a bit over 5 years and he loves me and treats me like a Queen. He always puts me first before his own needs and wants. I found him on a dating site. Had tons of guys write me cus they liked my looks. They were not concerned with anything beyond surface level with me so I paid them no attention, no matter how darn cute or handsome they were.
Dont wait for the guy to tell you what they expect, you tell them!! If they are interested in dating you, get out your list and ask if he meets the points on your list. If he doesnt, you say you are not interested. You Cant Be Weak...stick to your priorities. I have literally been contacted by hundreds of guys. I have responded to those who seemed favorable and gave them a chance and after meeting in person and going on a couple dates found they have lied about some important points to me, I dropped them. Thats what you have to do cus not everyone is going to be truthful. Take time to get to know the guy. After a handful of dates you should already know if you want to invest the time to get to know him better. the moment anything changes and just once you see something that goes against your list ideals, or your principles and morals, stop seeing the guy...no more contact! Do not make excuses in your mind for him. The first time you see something you dont like, you can trust there is more of the same laying hidden inside. He can't give you a glimpse of something that isn't there inside of him.
Remember, you are not a guys personal servant, if thats what he wants he can hire one. What you want is a real loving devoted relationship where both of you are on equal ground and share a healthy balanced outlook and future. If you have any other particular questions, let me know, I'd be glad to answer.
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Excuse my language and being blunt but the guy's an asshole and you're better off. You don't see it right now but trust me on that.
You tried to keep this thing going but he's taken advantage of the gifts and made you feel unwanted for a long time. Let him find his submissive type--good riddance!
What you really need is a professional therapist to work on yourself and who you are and show you why you select and love people like this. Learn how to move on with this person's help. You will discover your self-worth and eventually figure out how not to settle or be sucked into a relationship with people who don't have the right qualities. Until then don't start a relationship with someone new.
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Hi, I know how to help you but I'll need to talk to you through mail (Natka143@hotmail.co.uk) because there is quite a lot that I've got to say.
You see I know where the problem lies and I know a few methods of how you can get over your ex (different methods work on different people). And I will also help you to rebuild your confidence-your ex is a jerk but it doesn't mean that all men are.
So if you want, you can email me and then we can talk this through in private.
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Getting over your first love is probably one of the hardest things ever and it takes awhile to get over it. However some people have a hard time letting go because they simply don't allow themselves to. You need to let yourself enjoy like again. The truth is this guy was a massive jerk to you and he in no way deserved you. You need to understand that and engrave that into you so you don't forget that very important fact. Secondly you need to make yourself realize that what he said or did was all a lie and you have to make yourself believe that you deserve someone so much better. When you say good things to yourself then eventually you'll start to believe it. A year is a long time to carry on with these feeling for him. It's over and you can't hold on any longer it's not healthy. You will find true love and he will be so so so so soooo much better than this guy. Give it time and try and get out and meet new people it will take your mind off him. Remember you deserve someone amazing and not every guy is the same so give someone a chance, don't let this one jerk ruin your life.
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