hey there! My name is Alexandra (or Alex). I am just your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
I'm here because I would like to help people with whatever may be burdening them.
I am empathetic and insightful. However, keep in mind that I am not a therapist but will do my best to help with whatever it is you are going through. :)
If you are feeling in need of 'quick help' and are suicidal, abused, in danger, etc;, here is a hotline:
http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/?gclid=CMTnron-rL8CFYpffgodgokALw
So, ask away! All is confidential (I'm not going to blab about your stuff to strangers).
Website: http://falynnfalcon.tumblr.com/
Gender: Female
Occupation: college student
Age: 19
Member Since: March 16, 2011
Answers: 48
Last Update: October 16, 2014
Visitors: 4882
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So there's this guy I've been crushing on so hard for the past while now. I'm in the US and he's in... Australia (fml). I really like him. Don't know if he sees me the same way. People think I'm crazy. But I was gonna like take it REALLY slow, get to know him a lot then tell him if I still like him as much or even more. Because if you truly like someone and want to be with them, it doesn't matter the distance, how much time you have with them, or how long it'll take to meet them, right? Btw, he said he's going to move to the UK or US when he graduates university. So there's a good chance with that, right? (link)
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I think it's a very smart idea to take this slow. You can never tell with people who you've never met before, in person! Let alone someone from across the globe. If you do want to pursue Prince Charming (which it seems like you totally do) I would get to know him real well. Have an open mind and keep your expectations reasonable. I wouldn't reveal too much personal stuff about yourself unless you feel ready to trust him.
Keep yourself busy too. You don't want your life to revolve around this dude and the fantasies that you may be having. ;D Establish boundaries and trust. Make sure he's a safe person. If he does happen to locate you, it might be worth meeting him in person. You never know what may happen! Online dating is kind of the norm these days. People may think you're crazy but you're just following your feelings which is totally ok.
Again: keep an open mind , don't set your expectations too high, BE SAFE, make sure you're not completely hung up on him, and be aware that your hopes and fantasies are probably unrealistic. If you do decide to meet with this lad, meet in a public place or have a friend go with you. The more the merrier! Of course I don't think you're retarded ;D Being in love makes us a bit crazy and do silly things. We're only human!
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'fingering girl, may have precum on finger, but girl took ipill after the incident....will she be pregnant? (link)
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Since birth control is supposed to be 100% effective, most likely not. However, it is still best to be cautious. Both of you wash your hands after sexy time. ;)
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I feel scared to ask my parents for a snapchat facebook Kris even an instagram because of how over protective they are what should I do (link)
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What's up, OP?!
Having no freedom to interact and share your stuff can be irritating, especially if you have no intention of doing anything shady. Maybe show your parents examples of 'clean' Instagram and Snapchats to assure them that you'll be doing something similar. (Ex: food, fashion, or scenery blog. With Snapchat: have your friends send you silly/clean stuff) This is just to prove that what you'll be posting/sending is clean and whatnot. Of course it doesn't mean you need to be posting food, fashion, etc; on your Instagram, you are just sending them the message that what you'll be doing is totally harmless.
Before you do any of that, just as and assure them that you will be careful. If they are cool with it, then you don't need to waste your energy showing them clean examples of Instagrams and Snapchats. Best of luck!
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I sent a few nudes to a guy I met online and he's sent me money in return for them and now he's blackmailing me saying if I don't send him something else then he'll post all my pics on the internet.. Is there anything I can do to stop him? Can the police do anything? (link)
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Uh oh. : / I'm terribly sorry this has happened. This is becoming more common these days. I strongly suggest you get the police involved. If your pics go viral, this can put you in a lot of danger psychologically, socially, and personally. If your face is hidden in your pics, then you are less in danger. But still, go to the police.
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I'm 20 and I broke up with my first love a year ago. I loved him with every fibre in my being and did literally everything for him, even if it went against my morals. I spent all the money I had on getting him expensive gifts and I stuck with him, even when he couldn't care less about me. When we broke up because of the fact that he didn't wanna deal with commitment, at this stage in his life, he wasn't upset, not even for a day. It's been over a year and I've been the only one carrying all this pain and I've been holding so much hope that we could get back together, someday. We still see each other and he kisses me and that's what gave me hope that he still likes me. But last night, he told me that he'd never even think of marrying someone like me and that he needs a submissive kind of girl who doesn't pick up on the wrong things he does, like I did.I always picked up on all his lies and everything he hid from me. It hit me all at once, last night that he's been using me this past year and using my vulnerability. I cried in front of him for two hours straight and he kept saying the same things like "You're not my first love so I can't hold that much love for you" and "I told you I didn't want a relationship" "My first made me lose all my emotions" . I don't know why I'm so attached to him or why I'm even this devastated over a jerk like him. I just need someone to talk some sense into me. I worry, that I'll never be good enough for someone. What else can I do for someone to make them appreciate me? I allowed him to cross so many limits of mine and went above and beyond for him, and I get this, in return. How will I expect the next guy in my life to appreciate what I'll do for him and not break my heart again? (link)
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Gee, OP. What a total dick. : / I'm very sorry that this guy set you up with continuous disappointments. Doing what he did can easily destroy trust. I do hope you stopped seeing this guy. He really isn't good for you and you deserve someone who can stay true to his word if he makes a promise. I understand, it's difficult to break a cycle like that. I think the reason why you are so attached and keep going back, is because you still love him and are comfortable with him. He's gotten to know you, so he knows what you like , and you probably poured your heart out to him.
It does takes a lot of work to learn to be vulnerable to someone else. It's like you're starting the whole 'courting' process over. But the more you practice, wether it be with a potential partner or friend, the more comfortable you get. Even if it doesn't work out with that person, at least you tried!
Don't beat yourself up for being sad over this guy. Like I said, you loved, trusted, and enjoyed taking care of him. Unfortunately, he did not reciprocate. He was and is a selfish dude. So, I suggest that you stop seeing this douche-head completely. No contact. Distract yourself: surround yourself with good people and learn how to take care of yourself. This may seem selfish (and it is, but in a good way) but you should learn to put your happiness and needs first. That's right, pumpkin! If you're caught up with making someone else happy, then you are going to be miserable. And if someone truly loves you, they would want to be happy too. :)
If you want to be appreciated, appreciate yourself. Learn to become aware of what you need to be happy. So, when you meet someone, you are able to recognize if your needs are being met. When you are ready to date, try and be brave. If you recognize the right qualities in dudes, then you will attract the right person. If it helps, write down what you want in a guy and keep that in mind. But it is very important to learn to love yourself first!
Dating again may be scary. You might have luck or not, but you will acquire experience and learn what you, as a person, need to be happy. Go slow and keep and open mind, and have fun! Sorry this is long, but I hope it helps. :) Good luck, sweet cheeks.
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So I had been a Wiccan for months, and my dad had the bad idea of it. That every Wiccan was a witch. That witches are evil. That the Horned God is associated with Satan because he has horns/antlers. I have never felt comfortable in Christianity, but felt comfortable in Wicca, like I was 100% safe and nothing would ever hurt me. I'll be turning 18 in a few months. Should I just light candles in my room, try to tell the Horned God that I'm sorry and that I'll move in with my friend when I turn 18 and become a Wiccan again? (link)
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Well, that's not very nice. As individuals, we are all titled to our own beliefs, theories, and ideas. It is not your dad's place to decide who or what you should believe in. If you're not comfortable being a Christian, then don't be a Christian. If you want to be a Wiccan, then be a Wiccan! Your dad isn't going to have God ground you. ;D
Anyways, if your dad isn't thrilled with the idea of you not being a Christian, then maybe you should keep your own belief to yourself. A philosophy or religion can be a private thing. Surround yourself with people that support you too. If you're not comfortable with engaging in Christian activities such as going to church, then just let your dad know. It is wrong for anyone, even a parent, to impose religion or anything else upon someone.
You are your own person. Good luck!
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can kissing and fingering causes late periods
(link)
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Nope! Late periods are usually caused by: stress, being underweight, being overweight, excessive exercise, medical issues, a change in medication, and a possibility of pregnancy. If you are still concerned or your lady time is still arriving late, please see your doc. :)
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Right this is for my friend.
Hi I'm a 13, f, and most of my life I get so angry bout things I start thinking bout what it would be like if I died and I have nearly tried to.
This is because this past yr has been the worst of my life,my dad left when I was 4 then when I was 10 my mum got married and my step dad adopted me and my brother and he left my mum and now I feel like he don't wanna be my father any more and it upsets me alot as both of my dad's has left, the worst thing is tht I feel like it was my fault he left. also 3 days before Christmas my grandma died and I was really close to her and a while after like a month or so I went to my knife draw in the kitchen and put a knife to my wrist,no one knows part from my best friend. Can u give me advise please. (link)
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Hey there, angel face.
I'm sorry about your family situation. Family trauma can be carried for a long while throughout life. My parents divorced before I went into high school. That was a difficult time in life. Anyways, your fathers made the decision to leave. Do not put that on you. They chose to leave, and so they left. It's not like you told them to leave, so please don't blame yourself. It's very easy and normal for us kids to blame ourselves for family dysfunction when in fact it is the parent(s)' choices and faults to act.
I am also so very sorry for your loss too. I lost both my mom and grandma somewhat recently, so I know the pain you are going through. You have gone through a lot at such a young age, and while it sucks a lot, you can grow and become stronger from these experiences. I think you should look into therapy for your family trauma and grief, as well as your desire to self harm. Therapy has made me a better and healthier person.
Self harm is incredibly dangerous, especially when you are willing to go towards the edge of death. Try other, healthier coping mechanisms such as: exercising, punching something (not the wall!), writing, coloring, or even talking to someone you trust.
I wish you the best of luck xx. There is a suicide hotline on the side of my column if you need. :)
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will god forgive me and will I still go to heaven when I follow through with what I'm about to do. I figure if I'm going to loose everything I'm going to loose it on my terms. I am going to jail for driving under suspennsion and I,m on disability and I'll loose everything I'm already living my life in a wheelchair from a motorcycle accident. I already have my mind made up (link)
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Hey there, sweet cheeks. Unfortunately, I don't know what happens after we pass away, whether it be by suicide or something else. But this is just my opinion and my belief: I believe that God love us all equally and will welcome us into heaven with open arms. Jesus experienced some dark times to, y'know. He has gone through temptations and whatnot, but has proven that like us, he had human wants, needs, and desires. And through his triumphs and tribulations, God loved him and forgave him.
Please, OP I strongly suggest that you seek help. We all have challenges and with will power and resilience, we can have the possibility to grow, rise above and conquer. There is a suicide hotline on the side of my column. You are in control of this situation and I think you should ask for help. Well all experience shitty situations; we are only human. :) Hang in there. xx
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What qualifies someone to give advice on this site? (link)
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Well...I think anyone can be qualified to give advice whether it be on a website and IRL, however there should be some exceptions.
One should not give medical advice or psychological advise unless they are thoroughly educated in those areas. One should be aware that consequences may ensue if such advice is applied. But if they can relate to a medical and/or psychological problem, then that would be quite helpful.
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My father took everything of value and left us.
My mother is mentally ill and now has no insurance(so she's off her pills).
My sister is a major suck up to our mother(Favorite child).
Were stuck in an Extended Stay hotel and,its sucking up all the income we have.We have tried all "free" places for medicine and help.But our income is too high,but its not enough for us to live on.
I barely make $150 a week from my job and, its considered part time.I'm at my job all day from 10AM to 4PM and,they don't consider it full time.So because of the time and all the work,I can't get a 2nd job.We have no car,so we take the public city bus everywhere(which is $1.50 there and back per person).
My problem is my mother.She's always been an mental abuser and only to me.She says that "I'll never be anything","I'll never go to college,and even if I did I'd fail it","Ill never be anything in life,or have a husband let alone a boyfriend"... That was just this week.
She said that to me because I told her to "hold on one moment" while I was filling up water bottles,and she wanted me to look for a phone number for her.It only took 2 minutes and I couldn't look away or I'd have water on the floor.
My sister is a major suck up to our mother.She sides with her even when moms wrong.She won't stick up for anyone and can't even keep a job that long.she keeps calling out at work and lying to them about why.I tell her to quit it and I get screamed at by mom (mom encourages her to call out).
Right now I got no friends,because I don't have time.I got no other family to go to,and right now mother plans on leaving with my sister.They plan to go to grandma's and I can't come.she made that clear.Were all old enough to be on our own,but we weren't ever encouraged or pushed to go on our own.Our mother was one of those ones that did everything for you,even when you didn't want her to (tried getting her to stop,but that only made her mad and she'd guilt me into letting her).
So where do I go?Do I leave my job and beg my deadbeat dad to go,live with him in another state?
Or do I take my chances on the street?If I do that I lose everything I own. (link)
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Hey there, OP. I'm so sorry you're in this situation...you seem to be the only 'adult' in the family, so to speak. I would try and get on Obama care if you can. If you are able to do that, I would strongly encourage your mother to see a psychiatrist. It really is too bad that you don't have family to go to. However, if you have their emails, I would try and contact them to explain that your mother is very ill and that you need help encouraging her to seek the help she needs. I would try and ask your dad for help and support. If he cares enough, then hopefully he'll man up and support.
Unfortunately, if your mother is completely unwilling, then there is nothing you can do. If she is going to get help, she is going to want to be ok again. It's up to her.
Your sister seems to be no help whatsoever In fact, she seems to be an enabler which is very unhealthy. She can probably use some therapy too.
Now, if there is absolutely no one you can reach out to, I would see if anyone is looking for a roommate. I really don't think quitting your job and living on the streets is going to help. :p You would be susceptible to disease and hunger. I think you really should get out of your house; it is not a healthy environment for you. Even if your efforts of getting your mom help are successful, I would be on the look out for someone who is looking for a roommate. You can check Craigslist. :) You need to get out of that environment though.
Being independent can be scary, but you have your whole life ahead of you to learn and grow. You can't be taking care of your mom for the rest of your life. You can support and love her, but you can't be her mom. And you certainly can't make your sister grow up. She's gotta get her lady balls and do that herself. And being on the streets isn't going to change anything. It will probably make things worse.
You seem to be a bright and mature person. You need to be in a healthy environment with people who are support and love you.
Best of luck, sweet cheeks xx
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Dear Vikki
I'm 24 and from South Africa. I have been in a relationship for almost 7 months now and before that we were only friends. I love him a lot and care about him a lot, but at times I feel that my insecurities gets in the way and it ends up in us having an argument about something small and stupid. See we have a long distance relationship at the moment and it is mostly when he cannot have decent conversation at night because his busy and then I start thinking "maybe he doesn't want to talk to me" , "maybe he doesn't find me interesting anymore and he will leave me for someone else" and I do know that he cares for me a lot and that he loves me and as soon as I think I have these feelings under control, it creeps in again. I don't want to lose him, because I was insecure and clingy. I never was like this in the beginning. I was cheated on before and most of the times it is when I'm away from him, when we are together, I don't have it and because of this it makes things hard for me. I care about people real fast and they can actually hurt me with words. How do I get past this? How can I get past my insecurities and not be clingy when I feel like these emotions are creeping in? I'm not jealous when it comes to being his girlfriends, because I know what type of guy he is. I know he will never cheat on me, but because I don't always see myself as beautiful, I'm sometimes afraid he will leave me for someone more beautiful than me. The guy that cheated on me used to say to me, that I shouldn't think that someone can love me, because there feelings will change. I was so deeply hurt.
Is there any advice you can give me? Guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to that I don't know personally!
Thanks!
(link)
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Hey there, OP! Because you have been cheated on in the past, it is completely understandable that you have these insecurities. Having a long distance relationship is a test of trust too. Getting cheated on is very traumatic too; it will be the first thing that comes to mind when you question your relationship. You do not want to get hurt again, so you protect yourself, yet you want to cling on to every bit of him. This is totally not your fault, like I said, cheating is traumatizing. It destroys your self esteem and self worth. Cheating is a complete destruction of trust.
So if you find yourself being secure, ask yourself: is there any evidence that he is being unfaithful? If not, then try and realize that it is just your anxiety due to trauma, then try and distract yourself. Also, maybe you two can come up with some sort of schedule so you know when he is available to talk.
Does your boyfriend know that you were cheated on? I would try and talk with him about your insecurities. It might make you feel better if he is understands and agrees to support you.
In the meantime, maybe get some help for yourself. Overcoming and learning to trust again will improve your relationship(s). Good luck!
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I want to meet up with an old friend of mine. We've not spoken or met up in just under a year-however she did say on Facebook on my birthday she misses me.
What's the best thing to arrange to meet up again? Coffee? Meal? I'm unsure and don't want to scare her away as I thought she'd moved on until now! (link)
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I suggest coffee. It's very innocent and you won't be in a date-like atmosphere, such as a restaurant. :) I feel that a meal is totally fine but if you feel you should tread lightly, then go for coffee. Good luck!
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this is the reply to ur post. yes it did hurt a bit. he has fingered me before also several times.. the last time and this time he was a bit rough..the last time when he did it bled a little..but this this time the blood was more..its not stopping..its just like the flow that we have at the last and second last day of the periods..at first it was red..once it was even beetroot red..but now it is brown! am i pregnant? is it anything related to pregnancy? please help me if its related to pregnancy.. im 17 yrs old and a virgin! and also i googled and found that there are girls who had bleeding for 3-4 days after fingering.so is it possible to be the same bleeding? (link)
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Hey there again! It is possible that you could have started your period early, since you keep bleeding. Are you having cramps? Brown discharge is totally normal (if it really smells, then it isn't a healthy sign) otherwise, I think you're fine. I get brown stuff in my period sometimes. Brown discharge is old endometrial tissues; your vag is just cleaning itself out.
If you are a virgin, then it is is completely impossible that you can be pregnant. A dick in the vag without protection, can give you a bun in the oven. However, if you are not careful when you give your man a hand job, a pregnancy can be possible. What I mean is that if he comes in your hands and you touch your vag right after, semen can get in there. So always wash yo hands!
Once again, if bleeding continues and/or you are concerned then you should see a doctor. :)
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today i went to my bfs house..he fingered me and at first a very little amount of blood came! he inserted two fingers! the next time he inserted there was blood all over his fingers! and from then im having this bleeding. the bleeding is just like periods.. todays date is 21 and my periods date was 24! can it be the periods or is it because my hymen might have broken or is it implantation bleeding? cause last time i.e on 5th july i gave him a handjob! we roamed for 3 to 4 hrs after that handjob and when i reached home ther was bit of blood coming from the vagina and to see that i used the same finger that i used to give him a handjob.. but before giving him a handjob he had washed his penis.. and wasnt seduced at all so what is this bleeding all about? im really scared because its like period so please help! really scared. and before fingering me he had washed his hands and even i had! (link)
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Why, hello there!
1) Did it hurt when he fingered you?
2) Were his nails long? Sometimes long nails can cause tears inside the vaginal wall.
3) How long did the bleeding last, and are you still bleeding throughout the day?
3) Have you been fingered before?
I think it's odd that you bled so heavily. Very little bleeding is normal the first time you are fingered, but bleeding a lot (like, period status) is not. Breaking your hymen does not cause bleeding, so I really don't know. If you are having cramps, it is possible that you started your period early. Also, 'period blood' is a bit smelly.
I really think you should see a doctor because bleeding profusely is not normal. If you need a parent to go to the doctors with you, you will need to tell them (or at least one of them). Good luck!!
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I'm an 11 year old female
Even though it takes me an hour to go to sleep without a light source, and outside at night I'll start getting sick (she's witnessed this), and once I tried to talk to her, and said it was nyctophobia, she only laughed and said it's not a phobia. She also tries to fix it on her own. The problem is, she thinks she could fix it, but she isn't trained to do it,I know I need a psychologist or something like that, but she refuses to admit it. She is all like,“common, (my name), you never had this before!" When really,I did. I remember I had several night lights. What should I do? (link)
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Hey there, Common! Sorry you are experiencing this...it seems really uncomfortable. What do you mean you get 'sick'? Do you feel nauseous? Or anxious? Has any trauma occurred in your life that you think caused this? I would first see a doctor just in case. I think it would be a great idea to talk to a psychologist too. That's too bad your mom isn't taking you seriously; that can be frustrating. Especially if she's trying to fix it on her own. Can you talk to your dad?
If not, I would sit your mom down and tell her: "Mom, I am concerned about this and I think I would feel a lot better if I got checked out by a doctor. I know you mean well, but I would appreciate it if you took this more seriously. I know this may be nothing serious at all but I just want to make sure." And hopefully that will be enough.
If and when you see your doctor, tell them that you may want to speak to a psychologist. They can provide you with resources. :) Good luck, Common. I really hope your mom listens! Try and talk to your dad too.
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So I am a 12 yr old girl and I am in between EVERYTHING.The stuff in the children's section is either a. My style but too expensive b. little kiddish c. Too small . The stuff in the juniors section is either a. Too big B. my mom won't let me get it cause she says it's too "teenagerish" I guess she isn't ready for me to be shopping at other places besides gap and likes the kiddish stuff in children's department. I'm kinda stuck I can't wear clothes from gap (it's usually too small cause they don't have my size which is 12 or I don't like it)and juniors size clothing only fits me if it's XS which is hard to find .idk what stores might have something that has stuff kinda like gap and like say hollister? I also can't fit into children's shoes and don't no where to get juniors /kids shoes that don't look like women's stuff. keep this in mind I (99.99% of the time) DONT FIT INTO JUNIORS OR KIDS HELP I NEED BACK TO SHCOOL CLOTHES! Thx (link)
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The back to school shopping struggle. I remember those days. Here are my suggestions: Justice which has very preteen-teen friendly/trendy clothes. Kohls, H&M, and Sears are my favorites. They have a variety of stylish clothes and are very affordable, especially H&M. :)
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Ok, so this question could be triggering I don't know so sorry if it is. I am an outpatient recovering from anorexia bulimia, depression and mild OCD , (yeah I know pretty messed up). my friend from school is having a pool party and has invited lots of people including the girl that effectively sent me to hospital, she bullied me constantly online and at school and no one knew.(the girl, not my friend) I still haven't told people about my problems with her girl because I know they won't believe me. Anyway I really want to go and I have set it as one of my short term goals to achieve but I am worried about this girl being mean to me, also I will be in swim wear so people will defiantly notice how fat I am now I'm out of hospital and also all the scars on my body due to self harm, I am just scared she will bring it up infront of people and I don't know what to do!? (link)
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Hello there, OP! Ah, recovery...such a wonderful, sunshiny journey, isn't it?
I can totally understand why you are hesitant about telling friends about what you've been through. I am a recovered anorexic and I didn't tell my friends until about two-years after I fully recovered. Some who don't understand EDs can get the complete wrong idea, so I would be care about who you tell when that time comes, but no hurry! The chick who bullied you is clearly an unhealthy influence so I hope you distance yourself from her.
I think its great that you want to face your fears and step out in public in a swim suit and what not. That's very brave of you. :) You deserve to have fun. Recovery is hard work! I was very self conscious myself during recovery; I felt like I was eating more than everyone in the room.
I don't know how mature this chick is, but if you absolutely want to go then I would hang out with your closest friends, people that you really feel secure with. Do your closest friends know that she has been bulling you? If so, I would let them know about your fears of her being a dick to you: "Hey guys, so since Sally doesn't like me very much and is rude to me, will you guys have my back"? I'm sure your friends will be willing to stay with you so that you are not obligated to be around this girl. You don't even have to mention to them about the ED.
What also can work is that you let your friend know that this girl has been bulling you and that you aren't too comfortable with her. You don't have to tell her to un-invite her but if you let your friend know how this bully treats you, then your friend can help look after you. Honestly, I think the bully will be too preoccupied with her group to take the time and gain up on you. And if you find it easier to tell her and your friends about the bullying and the Ed, then more power to you.
Again, I understand the discomfort of being exposed, especially during recovery. If your scars are noticeable you can use makeup concealer to conceal them. They'll probably be especially hard to notice if you're going to be in the water. You can also wear a light sweatshirt or wrap if you are feeling uncomfortable outside the water. You can wear a suit that doesn't have bright colors if you are still afraid of attracting attention.Hopefully this bully chick doesn't decide to waste her ever so precious time on you. Like I said, I believe it is best to stay away from her as much as you can. Stay close to your friends and those you trust.
Good for you, OP! It took me a long time to be social again after I recovered. Recovery is the most difficult thing I ever did in my life so I applaud you for pushing forward and stepping out. If you decide not to go, then that is totally ok; you aren't a wimp. I hope you have a great time! Let me know how it went. :)
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Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(
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How's it going, anon-sauce?! Seems like you're in a mighty big pickle here, but it is not impossible to get out of. :)
First, I think you are a wonderful friend for sticking by this dude's side through his dark times. Forgiving and getting through self harm can be a tough process, so kudos to you for encouraging him to get up onto his feet again.
As you just kinda realized (which is totally ok), when we help those who are in a dark rut sometimes end up becoming overly attached, like a child to an adult. This is very common with those who are in recovery from addiction. Their addictive personality becomes a form of clingy-ness towards someone specific that has been by their side. The prime reason for this is because without that addiction (which can involve cutting too), the addict may feel a bit out of whack and perhaps insecure, ergo, end up trying to turn to someone as a security blanket. I'm not saying that this guy's feelings for you aren't sincere; I don't know that but he may have an underlying reason for being obsessed with you. Also, I'm not saying he's an addict but does seem to have express addictive and obsessive traits towards you and cutting. Since I'm not a doctor, don't take my words too close to heart!
ANYWAYS! I'm sorry that he's not getting the 'friend only' hint. That can be extremely frustrating. So, please don't take his actions personally. He's choosing to makes these advances on you even though he has a girlfriend. He is being unfair to both you and his girlfriend. This is not your fault whatsoever. You do not owe him anything for helping him. It's not like you're throwing yourself at him and actually asking him to cheat. He is ruining his relationship, not you. Also, it appears he doesn't love this girl since he is talking smack about her and coming onto you. Again, this is not your fault. You and his girlfriend are both a victim.
I had a similar situation occur, though I wasn't particularly close to him. He had a girlfriend though and would hit on me all the effing time. I knew it wasn't my fault because I wasn't asking for it nor was I attracted to him. Again, you are not ruining his relationship. He is. He needs to respect your boundaries and wishes. Since he isn't, he is not being much of a friend.
It's very kind of him to check up on you and protect you against dingbats, but that doesn't make it ok for him to ignore your boundaries. What makes you think you're taking advantage of him? If anything, he is trying to take advantage of you! There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in order to help yourself be secure. :) You're just being honest.
Now, I'm not saying he's a bad guy or a dick, but he seems to have a lot of issues to work on-which is ok! When he does, he can become aware of his actions and be a better friend.
You clearly value this friendship and seem to be a wonderful friend to him. Likewise, seems like a caring friend to you. But what he is doing is not ok. He doesn't seem 'healthy' right now to be your friend. As horrid as this may sound, I think you should cut off contact him completely. If he continues to be inappropriate to you, you may have to cut off this friendship. I know that seems terrible but he has some issues he needs to address. If he works on them and shows results, then you can allow him to be your friend again.
Again, I know that sounds horrible! I've had my share of de-friending people. Even guy friends who would not respect my boundaries. It is totally normal and can be very beneficial to our well being. If someone is becoming unhealthy to be around, and/or will not respect you, it is best and necessary to have total distance. No matter how much you love them, you you need to care for yourself to. You need to feel safe. Those are the same reasons why I de-friended some people. It doesn't make use selfish or terrible people. We need to pay attention to our happiness and feeling of comfort.
Also, just because you distance yourself from someone, does not always mean that you are never their friend again. Until they own up to their actions, then they may be safe and ok to hang around again. Unfortunately though, some people may not change and thus, the friendship cannot be revived. And that is ok! If you choose to do this, you must cut off ALL contact: facebook, texting, and any other sources of communication. To be fair (and if you feel comfortable) you can contact/hang out with him once or twice a week.
That may sound harsh, and in no way am I implying that he is a criminal, but again: you need to be around people who make you comfortable and respect you. You will also be doing him a favor if you choose to do this: He will be forced to work on his relationship and his issues instead of focusing so much on you.
If you choose to tell him, you can say something like this: I care about you and value our friendship. I also appreciate that you're a caring person to me, but no matter how much I tell you that I just want to be your friend, you won't respect my boundaries. I am uncomfortable of that. Because of that, I cannot be your friend right now. I think you need to work on yourself and relationship. Again, I care about you but I need distance. Until then, maybe we can be friends again.
I hope this helps! Sorry that this is so long! You are not doing anything wrong! You have every right to feel happy and safe. :) And having distance does not make you a horrible dick! You are just doing what you feel is best. Good luck and keep me up to date. :) xx YOU CAN DO IT!
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I am so confused. I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed all the time. To the point where all I want to do is cry and at times it takes all I have not to. I feel so alone. I have been married for 8 years but we never talk and lately he and I have been sleeping in separate rooms. We dont even argue we just dont talk. I know I am not happy anymore and I havent been for a long time. But we have children together and this is the only serious relationship I have ever had. To top it all he is controlling so I have never had a job and I dont know if I can support myself or my kids without him. I dont want to be miserable forever but I am terrified of life without him. I dont know how to survive without him. And I have absolutly no friends not a single one because my high school friends and I have drifted apart and I am not allowed out to have any. And I have no family I grew up in foster homes. So without him I am completely alone. I have no one to turn to. No one to stay with til I get on my feet. Am I being selfish by wanting a life of my own. What do I do? Where do I go from here? (link)
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Gosh, I am so sorry that you're in this situation. You are certainly not alone; many mothers have been in your shoes, and many have built a happier life for themselves. Anyways, here we goo!
It is not unusual for you to want to remain attached to him, especially if he is your first serious lover. Many of us hold on to the fantasy of a happy married life and desire to grow old with that one person. However, married life will never be that perfect but that doesn't mean it can't be satisfying.
By reading your story, I can understand how totally worn out you must be! But there are options for you if you want to try to make this marriage work and have your man be willing to work with you. Marriage counseling can be very affective. Marriage councilors help spouses communicate more efficiently and acknowledge their feelings towards the marriage. Even if they end up deciding to split up, marriage counselors can help the process be a bit more peaceful. A marriage counselor can help with your man's control issues too.
But if you feel you would be much happier without him and you do not want to put anymore effort into working together then, you are NOT A BAD PERSON. Being with someone who will not communicate with you can be very exhausting! It is not selfish of you to put your happiness first. You matter to. "If you are happy, then I am happy" should always apply to relationships. Although it took me a while to accept it, I am very happy my parents split up. They were not communicating and often had a lot of difference in opinion with raising my brother and I. They are divorced, but much happier. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON for wanting happiness for yourself.
Many couples have come to terms with the fact that they are no longer happy together, yet remain together for the sake of their kids. While that is compassionate of them, it can be unhealthy. Kids are more susceptible to feelings between their parents then you may realize. I was very young when my parents became unhappy with each other but I remember feeling the tension and stress.
People (us ladies especially) sometimes have difficulty leaving abusive partners, whether they have kids or not. They fear being alone, being a nobody, being inadequate, not being able to find someone as awesome, etc; This is also known as codependency. It is not an uncommon trait, but is very unhealthy and a therapy will help with that.
Now, I am not lying when I say this but: you can live a life without him (and raise your kids). You CAN be someone without him(and raise your kids). You do not need him to survive (or your kids). You were born without him, and you can leave this world without him. You can be happy without him (and raise your kids). Easier said then done but if you are unhappy with him, you need to have the courage to leave.
Ok time for an escape plan! You say that you don't have any family or friends. Is there anyone that you trust? Either it be an acquaintance or an adult? It takes courage to ask for help and it is SO rewarding when you are able to receive it. In this world, no human can survive without help. If you are having difficulty, I suggest you get into therapy. I would not be the person I am today without therapy. Therapists are trained and professional. They will keep everything you say confidential (unless you plan on harming yourself or others :p). But please, DO NOT give up on asking for help. You may be surprised as to how many are willing to help.
In conclusion...
You are not being selfish whatsoever. When we are struggling, it is vital to put our needs and happiness first. You matter to. And by helping your well being, you may not realize it, but you are helping your kid's well being too. I was very happy to see both my parents happy living without each other. You deserve to have a life of your own. You are in control. Where do you go from here? I suggest writing down people you know. Anybody. Try and find the courage to reach out. Try to look into therapy to. Therapy will help with your codependency issue. Your therapist can walk you through the way out of this.
Good luck, sweet cheeks. Keep me up to date. :) You can survive.
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