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Insecurities and Clingy
Dear Vikki
I'm 24 and from South Africa. I have been in a relationship for almost 7 months now and before that we were only friends. I love him a lot and care about him a lot, but at times I feel that my insecurities gets in the way and it ends up in us having an argument about something small and stupid. See we have a long distance relationship at the moment and it is mostly when he cannot have decent conversation at night because his busy and then I start thinking "maybe he doesn't want to talk to me" , "maybe he doesn't find me interesting anymore and he will leave me for someone else" and I do know that he cares for me a lot and that he loves me and as soon as I think I have these feelings under control, it creeps in again. I don't want to lose him, because I was insecure and clingy. I never was like this in the beginning. I was cheated on before and most of the times it is when I'm away from him, when we are together, I don't have it and because of this it makes things hard for me. I care about people real fast and they can actually hurt me with words. How do I get past this? How can I get past my insecurities and not be clingy when I feel like these emotions are creeping in? I'm not jealous when it comes to being his girlfriends, because I know what type of guy he is. I know he will never cheat on me, but because I don't always see myself as beautiful, I'm sometimes afraid he will leave me for someone more beautiful than me. The guy that cheated on me used to say to me, that I shouldn't think that someone can love me, because there feelings will change. I was so deeply hurt.
Is there any advice you can give me? Guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to that I don't know personally!
Thanks!
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I'm not Vicci, but I am supposing this was passed on to my inbox which is something an advicegiver can do if they aren't sure how to best answer you.
The subject of relationships, and problems in relationships is too big and widespread of a topic to make it easy to answer. Your's is not easy either, because we can't possibly know everything..just the highlights that you share.
For example, one example that makes it hard for me to help is your comment about having been cheated on before. The piece of info missing is whether you are saying you were in a real face to face relationship and cheated on, and that factor is what drove you to go for what seemed like a safer relationship experience via the internet/phone long distance, OR are you saying that you were cheated on in a LD relationship on the computer?
You admit to having insecurities. One being clingy. Is that because someone told you that you were clingy? Most people who are clingy do not realize they are coming off that way, so I find it curious you could state that.
Just because some person has a certain view or way of seeing life and their own twist on things does not mean that what they believe is TRUE. It would seem to me that a guy who tells you that you should not expect love because a guys feelings can change, is either very inexperienced in how to deal with other people one on one, or very immature. He likely has trouble in many different types of relating, like with family, friends, coworkers, boss, other students, teachers...etc. I am guessing his assumptions are born from a person with a lazy attitude in life, not willing to put in time to learn how to be good at relating with people, with the opposite sex and knowing what are the do's and dont's of dating, etc... so he says what ever fits his outlook on life, it's his own made up rule about life, that feelings will change and that is to give him an excuse to break up with a girl without any regret cus "his feelings changed. It could be a cover up for him being a guy who gets a thrill out of the chase and once he has a girl, he doesnt have to chase anymore and it becomes boring, "his change in feelings' and he breaks up or cheats. Others have no self control. Even girls can see many guys who look sexy to her but she isn't going to bed every sexy guy she meets if she is dating someone or married. The sex drive doesnt turn off when we meet someone "thank God" or we wouldn't want to or be able to please and be pleased by our partner. And because the sex drive doesnt turn off when we meet someone and date or commit to them or marry, we will still be turned on and feel attraction to others we see of the opposite sex. Thats where self control comes in. Also there has to be a certain depth of love for a person to not want to stray. For example, my 2nd husband is more content being in my presense than apart from me. He is not dissatisfied with any part of me, my personality, my deep beliefs and strengths, my looks, (he not only tells me often that I have the exact body shape he dreamed of as a young boy when thinking of the woman he'd marry someday, but I can catch that look in his eyes when he's watching me, thinking I am not seeing it and his eyes darken with desire...whether its when I first wake, when I am dressed in comfy clothes or dressed up, doesnt matter.
Relationships are hard enough in person but doing in long distance is even harder. I only support long distance if it is going to be temporary and the two have had a relationship in person face to face for a length of time before having to part and do LD, like one leaving town to go to college or a spouse going in the service, or such.
Otherwise, an online relationship, LD or other is nothing more than 'theater of the mind'. What I mean by theater of the mind is that all the things that you miss out on, your mind has to imagine and what it imagines is nothing like reality. You could also be misled by your imaginings of how he keeps house, how romantic he is, what his touch feels like, etc...and actually in real life he could be irritating, nothing like what you 'imagined'. There may even be no spark or chemistry. I know this to be true from even dating in my area. Meeting online, using the pc only as a tool and talking online no longer than a week before meeting in person. Even in that short time, from what he said in calls, in chat online and what I interpreted his words to mean, I found many who were nothing at all that I imagined...and some were outright liars as I came to see when we met. I had a list of what I was looking for in a guy. Be able to meet everything on the list or dont bother contacting me...so they lied. But you need to know what you are looking for and make no excuses for it. Guys will call you names, too picky...you'll be single forever, you're a terrible woman, not worth my time...and guess what those are guys who weren't worth your time anyways, you just rules out a bunch of duds like the one who cheated.
Know what you want, learn to love who you are you're strengths and weaknesses. If you find the right guy, your weakness will not be an issue for him for he will cover you where you are weak knowing you have strengths he doesnt have and are covering him as well. Thats how it is for hubby and I. There is no mistake or weakness that could ever make us impatient, angry or upset with each other because we know we are only human and love each other, even with all our spots and wrinkles. Thats what you are looking for. You need to learn to recognize what a person like that looks like and acts like. You may not have had any good male examples in life yet so look for good male role models. Best right now, get on you tube and look for dating do's and don't for women, also pretend you're the guy and look for the same for guys to get an idea of what a good guy should be like. Look for videos on relationship advice, etc...theres lots on there and I keep sharp by going through them all often enough.
I hope this helps you some. If you need help with any more specific aspect, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Good luck my dear. And keep in mind, theres a lot of frogs you have to go through til you meet your prince charming...I had to before I met my 2nd husband.
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Hi Vicki
It is totally normal to feel insecure in a relationship, especially of you have been cheated on in the past. I suffer from anxiety and self validation works well for me. You have the most control over yourself and you have to make sure that you know that. To improve confidence, treat yourself to a new outfit or anything that makes you feel beautiful. If your boyfriend knows of your being cheated on in the past, talk to him about it. I'm sure he will understand.
I hope this helps!
:)
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I can say that a lot of our insecurities come to the surface when we are in relationships. The only way to get past it is to reflect on when these insecurities arise and why, and to take ownership over them because our issues are our own. It isn't always easy, but it's the only way because no matter who you are with, feelings and insecurities can be triggered. Often our negative experiences taint current relationships--and a reminder that you don't need to drag the past into your current situation can be helpful. Since you are aware of your worry of your boyfriend leaving you/no longer wanting you, and the pain of being cheated on by a past boyfriend, you can change your outlook.
First, it seems to me that your insecurity over the possibility of your boyfriend breaking up with you stems from your anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Anxiety sometimes gets triggered when we fear losing someone- and in your case, a long distance relationship. But why the fear? You have been cheated on before (by someone else) for one thing, and could possibly have a tense relationship/connection to one or both parents (which can account for relationship anxiety) over fear of abandonment which can be deeply rooted--now, this is relevant for some people, though certainly not all. Add to this your long-distance relationship (you are not with him for much of the time). Anxiety can get triggered in different ways, without our conscious awareness. One or more of these factors can play a role in how you feel. It's likely that your anxiety rather than any external factors are causing you distress. It's easy to blame ourselves for any changes in other people's behavior (as in, I must have said or did something to push him away). The truth is, we are usually more critical of ourselves as a way to understand and make sense of other people's behavior towards us, when in fact, the way in which someone acts/behaves usually has little to do with anything we said/did to begin with, and more to do with their individual psychology. This isn't to say that we should never own up to anything we may have said/done, but that most of the time, we are overly critical of ourselves and fail to see the bigger picture. As for feeling inadequate in terms of how beautiful you might feel in comparison to other women, understand that your boyfriend finds you beautiful, which is why he is with you. More importantly, believe you are beautiful inside and out, and have many positive qualities to offer.
Now, my suggestion is that you practice being less anxious and self-critical. This will help you deal with this and other situations immensely. Meditation and yoga work wonders, and if it's feasible, talking to a therapist can help too. It's also helpful to immerse yourself in activities you enjoy that relax you, and to spend time with friends. You need to take care of yourself and have a social life--your boyfriend is an important part of your life, but you need to stop being preoccupied. I also suggest that you have a talk with him, and make an agreement on days/times you are both available to talk on Skype. He is probably busy with life as well, and you should be too. For times you can both stay in touch to talk, an agreed-upon schedule can help reduce your feelings that he doesn't want to invest time in keeping in touch with you. It seems that your feelings are your own, and have nothing to do with how your boyfriend feels about you. Unless he starts acting "off" (constantly making excuses on why he can't talk, seems detached/uninterested, etc), you can rest assured he is committed to you. Usually men will either hint at how they feel about you or tell you directly, so it seems to me that your feelings are yours alone. The only thing you can change is your outlook and level of anxiety.
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I'm not so sure if my advice will be much of any help to you because I can honestly say im the same exact way! I dont really have a method to make myself feel better but I try and tell myself they're just busy, its not that they dont want to talk or you've become less interesting to them. If you know you love and care about eachother there' no need to be insecure and question things because after all, he Is with you. And You must remember it is hard for him also. Maybe bring it up to him because the positive reinforcement could also convince you otherwise. May not be something you want to talk about but conversations like that can often go very well. I dont know if this helped at, but keep in mind that you're beautiful just the way you are. Keep a positive mind and keep your head up.
Best of luck! ♡
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Hey sweetie your not alone !! Long distance is ruff I did long distance and the biggest thing for me was trust . You have to feel secure that he won't cheat on you! Being clingy happens sometimes we are woman lol!! Stay positive keep your head up it will get easier
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I've always heard people say 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can'. Sometimes guys have a different way of showing how much they care. My fiancé use to be one of those guys and it would bother me to no end. I realized my worth though, and if I was going to stay around with him he needed to try a little harder. I don't think you're the problem. Just because he isn't always talkative doesn't mean you are the problem. 'The only trouble with long distance relationships is doubt'. If you love him and care about him just let him be and don't take it personally. Good luck!
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Hello :)
First off I must say long distance relationships are a very complicated thing. I believe that even though you say you have insecurities due to a past relationship and from self destructive images of how you feel about your beauty - not knowing what he is doing, or spending little to no time with your man is a very difficult thing to add to your insecurities. As harsh as this sounds, I believe that everyone, including YOU is deserving of a love with no boundaries. From personal experience - if he tends to turn things around on you, doesn't speak much about himself, has a very short temper when you confront him about something or when you put yourself in need - he very well may be lying or hiding something from you. Also NEVER ignore your intuition, women are born with intuition - that is why we bare children and are the caregivers because we can sense when something is right and when something is wrong. You must give in to your feelings and put yourself first. Always put yourself first. If he has a very short temper and is aggressive I highly recommend you remove yourself from the relationship - you do not need a toxic person in your life and if you stay too long you will only become a hostage of a relationship that he never wanted to be a part of. I am not sure if I am making sense to you and I really do not want to be hard on you, I have had experience in abusive relationships and I know first hand what it is like to see someone get sucked into a bad relationship and stay with a monster - not everyone can be strong but you need to try. Of course, that is only if he is aggressive to you in any way. Also, if you notice tat he accuses you of doing things, calls you names, makes excuses - it is a projection of what he does, or thinks about but to put you down takes the attentions off of him. Arguing is perfectly healthy, but if it is constant and about small things, maybe a re-evaluation of the relationship needs to be taken. I have an exercise that I like to do: Pros and Cons for change and no change - change and no change being whatever you choose (stay in the relationship vs leave the relationship, take a break vs don't take a break, Tell him how you feel vs staying quiet etc...) The next steps are simple - you rate out of 4 (1 being not important to you and 4 being important to you) each single reason you have put for pros for change, Pros for No change, Cons for change and Cons for no change. Then you add the numbers up for all the pros for change PLUS the numbers for Cons for no change and make a total, and do the same for Cons for change and pros for no change. Whatever the bigger number should point you in the right direction. No matter what don't lose sight of yourself, you have a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind, you were made the way you are for a reason and there are billions of people on the planet I am 110% positive that there is more than one person who would fall in love with you and show you how much you mean to them and what a wonderful being you are, inside and out. I hope I have helped you in some way. :)
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Give him some photos of the lovely you!!!
Yes,he can hang them up his house or car and in a way his thoughts will be about you!!
The best thing,is to set up times when to talk to eachother and when you arent distract yourself with a hobby!! Be blessed!
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Sorry for the late reply. But first I wanna say that I understand the struggle of being in a long distance Relationship, its hard being away from eachother if you don't talk you feel something is wrong... I do this too , but what helps is knowing that he makes time for me.my fiancé is a driver so the time we have is always changing but just knowing our relationship gives me comfort, if your man shows you he loves you embrace it, and use that as your warmth on those cold nights you can't talk. Also missing your boyfriend when you can't speak or wondering if he is thinking about you isn't being clingy its being in love. It's healthy to share how you feel with him. That's what me and my boyfriend do and sometimes he thinks the same way that I feel. Also my advice for feeling that at times you aren't good enough my friend you are beautiful! Look in the mirror and learn to love what you see, you gotta learn to love yourself before you truely can enjoy being loved by someone else.im sorry for the guy who said those hurtful things but he lost a great lady, people sometimes don't know when they have a good thing until it is gone. I hope I've helped in some way.remember you are beautiful.
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Hey there, OP! Because you have been cheated on in the past, it is completely understandable that you have these insecurities. Having a long distance relationship is a test of trust too. Getting cheated on is very traumatic too; it will be the first thing that comes to mind when you question your relationship. You do not want to get hurt again, so you protect yourself, yet you want to cling on to every bit of him. This is totally not your fault, like I said, cheating is traumatizing. It destroys your self esteem and self worth. Cheating is a complete destruction of trust.
So if you find yourself being secure, ask yourself: is there any evidence that he is being unfaithful? If not, then try and realize that it is just your anxiety due to trauma, then try and distract yourself. Also, maybe you two can come up with some sort of schedule so you know when he is available to talk.
Does your boyfriend know that you were cheated on? I would try and talk with him about your insecurities. It might make you feel better if he is understands and agrees to support you.
In the meantime, maybe get some help for yourself. Overcoming and learning to trust again will improve your relationship(s). Good luck!
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Ok girl listen to me if he choose to be with you and you know him well he won't cheat. I now what its like I was cheated on before then my best guy friend became my boyfriend and it ended up being a long distance relationship. Yes it is hard but we make it work and you know he is busy. And he wouldn't make time for u at all if he didn't love you. So stop worrying! You need to know no one would have ever been in a relationship with you unless they thought you were beautiful and had a great personality.and as for the previous guy he was so insecure in himself he couldn't accept and love you because he was jealous of you.
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Well you can't love someone and expect them to love you back if you don't love yourself. Before you get involved with somebody, you need to love yourself and appreciate yourself for who you are.
If you don't love yourself, people will try to take advantage of you. But if you have a high self esteem, then NOBODY'S words can break you.
You also mentioned that you feel like your clingy towards your boyfriend. The only way to not cling to someone so much is for you to be more independent. Learn how to rely on yourself to get things done, otherwise you'll feel like you need a boyfriend for everything.
Here's the bottom line: Make sure your life is in order before you get involved in someone else's. A lot of people want boyfriends and girlfriends immediately, but they haven't even taken care of their own business yet. You have to get yourself right before you can be in a relationship with someone. You can't just jump into a relationship if you feel insecure about yourself. You can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself.
People will treat you like dirt if you allow them. That's why you need to treat yourself how you want others to treat you and LOVE yourself how you want others to LOVE you.
Before anyone tells you that you look pretty, you need to be the first one to tell that to yourself. Look in the mirror when you wake up every morning and proclaim that you are BEAUTIFUL! You need believe that you are beautiful before anyone else does because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. No matter what anybody else says.
Treat yourself how you want to be treated and don't settle for horrible men. You let a man know how you EXPECT to be treated on day one and if he can't love you like the lady that you are, then he isn't worth YOUR love.
And lastly, don't put your boyfriend on a pedestal. Every man is capable of cheating just like every woman is capable of cheating. People make mistakes and you can't expect them to be perfect. I'm not saying that he will cheat on you, but I am saying don't be blind to that possibility.
Well I hope that something I said will be able to help you in your future relationships.
~Andrew~
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Hi! Well, you seem to be quite a devoted and caring partner to your boyfriend. I personally think that's just great! Continue to be like this and have faith that if he trully loves you, he won't ''change his mind'' overnight. When you love someone, you don't just forget about your feelings towards that person from one moment to another. So forget about what that guy told you once, when he really falls for someone one day, he'll notice how wrong he is. He clearly didn't deserve you. Also, you ought to stop thinking about your physical appearance, you obviously have many virtues that men will find attractive, or that your boyfriend found attractive in you. So cheer up! I'm pretty sure he loves you a lot. There's just one thing, though, I would like to remark. ALways keep in mind that he's a human being, or any other guy you meet. So don't think he would never cheat on you. I am not trying to scare you or discourage you, I just want for you to know that it's not a good idea to ''idealize'' anybody. We are all humans, so always be ready to be disappointed by anyone.
Well, I hope this helps you a little, and let me tell you that I already admire you, and that I'm sure you'll be really happy with your partner.
Best of luck!! Mercury :) :)
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Hey there!
First of all, what an ass you're ex was. Everyone has insecurities, and everyone is at least a little clingy. We all want our partners to want us, to want to talk to us, to say we're beautiful and gorgeous all the time.
Unfortunately, this happens to be the cupcake phase. After that four or five month, things start to cool down and maybe he won't call you beautiful as much, but he'll still think it. Maybe he won't call you five times a day, but he still texts or makes sure you're reminded of him.
As I've said before in other answers, I was in a long distance relation for a long time. When my ex-partner didn't contact me for the whole day, I started to freak out thinking maybe he was with someone else. And every time he talked to me, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying 'maybe he's afaid of telling you he found someone else'.
It came to a point where it began to bring problems between us, because I would get randomly angry and I wouldn't tell him it was because I felt this way. When he told me he loved me, we promised each other that if we ever felt something for someone else we'd tell each other straight up. And that did make most of my insecurities go away. But then, when I feel comfortable with a partner i get really clingy and I want them around me all the time. I want them to talk to me all day, which is normal at first. So when he said he was working, or that he was busy I kind of felt lonely. I would literally stare at the phone until I got a text or a call from him.
It isn't a healthy behavior, and we got over that together. As I said, after that four or five month, we got used to each other. I knew he found me attractive, and he tried to call me every day or Skype before bed so we could catch up.
I kept busy by working out, getting a job, doing things around the house, hanging out with friends and then at night, I'd wait for his call a little bit. Sometimes it came, sometimes it didn't. When it didn't, it meant he'd fall asleep. And he'd apologize the morning after. I began to accept that sometimes he's just like me, tired and drained and needing a break.
So my advice to you is: try to keep busy. Maybe make that promise I told you about, tell him that if he has feelings for someone else to tell you and vice-versa. Then, set a time for him to contact you so you guys can get into a routine. When it's not time for him to contact you: keep busy. Go work out, hang out with other friends, do some chores. Anything and everything that will keep you busy. At the end of the day you'll feel satisified and you'll even have new things to talk about.
Best of luck!
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O my God the guy before you was horrible. That wasnt very polite or nice of him to say. I have a friend who was insecure about herself and relationships too. Literally she will be like i don't know why he's with me there are people with bigger boobs and ass whose are sexier and she always compared herself with the models in magazines. I told her the same thing im going to tell you dont feel bad about yourself. Trust me when I say God didnt make you ugly. Im sure you are very beautiful and that your boyfriend loves you. I know it is hard because you are living in a long distant relationship (just like she was) but you have to put your all in it and trust him completely or dont be in it at all. One guy was rude and distasteful and just plain disrespectful to you BUT that does not mean all guys are like that. I believe insecurities come with clingyness. I think you being clingy is because of the insecurities. You not being able to love all of you and appreciate the love that is being given to u is probabw making you more clingy because you are afraid he will leave and u think if you hold on and cling to him he will stay. Trust me guys hate that. They hate all those clingyness and insecurities all the time. They dont think it's sexy. And it's not. You were hurt before and it's okay to feel those ways afterwards but if you are going to get in a relationship you need to be able to let those go. You said it wasnt in the beginning but just started so maybe him saying he loves you is bringing up painful memories from the ex. You have to trust that he loves you. You are going to get hurt at times and it will be painful believe me but you have to trust that he loves you and that if you both work hard on it it will last. But you need to be willing to let those insecurities and clingyness go because if you dont the relationship wont go far. Trust what you feel. You said you know he loves you so trust that and if you still feel insecure then maybe you should take time to be alone and figure out how to better yourself so you wont feel like that anymore.
Hope this helps you out :) Goodluck
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Hello!!!
First off you touched on many great points we all can learn from, so thank you for being so brave and putting your thoughts and feelings to words.
It's totally okay to be insecure! Everyone is, even the most Beautiful woman in the world, like models and actresses rated most beautiful woman, are super insecure! Why? Because security is something found within yourself, and it takes years to master, if not your whole life! So be patient with yourself :) it takes a true pro to accept this, and by accepting you are insecure, you are being very strong. Some people don't get that far. My favorite quote is, "my weakness is my strength". Your imperfect perfections makes you gorgeous, and more importantly you are gorgeous!!! Why? Because in our society where shallow view points on beauty is valued so highly, true beauty is being overlooked. Your boyfriend see's that in you, and you yourself see the beauty of you in him, or else there would not be such a great attraction that would keep you going long distance (cheers to that!) It is up to you to realize you are beautiful. Unfortunately, even those that love you, can not do that for you. Start with exercises like this. Write post it's and stick it on your mirror of what you find beautiful about yourself. It could be things your bf has said, it can be something a family member or friend has said. Something you love about yourself. "Good morning gorgeous!", is my favorite to stick to my fridge after a long night, and a very "feeling unattractive morning". Even if I don't feel it, it makes me smile. Then start saying it aloud to yourself in the mirror. Good morning beautiful. Then move on to say, I am beautiful. The reason your ex said all those things about you, is because he felt him about himself. In all honesty, no truly beautiful person ever says such things, unless they want to feel better then you. So what does that mean? If he wanted to feel better then you by saying that, it means he felt a lot worse. Remove yourself from all people in your life that make your feel inferior, a lot of the times they do that is because they see how stunning you are, and how crappy they feel compared to you. By remove I mean, ignore those that judge you, and make you feel like crap. Accept and allow yourself to let those in that accept you for you and see your beauty. Don't have a lot of those people? Once you start those small exercises, your gonna start getting annoyed with those who don't believe what you believe. Because after a while of repeating it over and over, You will start to see your beauty. If a boss comes hard on you, accept you are not perfect and realize there is no such thing! Perfection is in our head! If a friend or family ember says something that you feel you don't deserve. Walk away, ask yourself is tree anything you can do to make then feel differently, if the answer is no, it's there issue. Most of the time it will always be the other persons issue, weather we realize it or not. So repeat that too. You can't wear other people's issues. I never saw other people's issue being worn on runways in Milan but we as humans always seem to do it. Don't do it. Stop yourself, and realize your wonderful qualities. And that it's not your issue.
Now to trust. It is always hard to trust when it comes to relationships in general. You realize in the end though it's not so much as the trust between two people that is affecting you and your significant other but the trust between you and yourself. Meaning, how can you trust your boyfriend, or anyone for that matter when you can not trust the fact that you, yourself, picked someone worth trusting. You must trust your judgement that this guy is someone who will not ever want to deliberately hurt you. Then you must accept the fact no matter what.... And this is hard to wrap your head around and accept, so bare with me, you will get hurt. Life, unfortunately, is about pain and hurt, and what one does to spin that into gold. Hurt makes us stronger, hurt helps us prepare for hard outcomes we can't change, hurt makes us more empathetic and better humans beings. Weather you want to or not, hurt will come. And no wall or prevention will change that. So accept that hurt is apart of life, and can only make you a better person. I know!!! Not easy, but like I said, these are life lessons. Now piggybacking off that idea.... You can not stop anyone from hurting you, weather your bf says something, or does something that hurts you, you can not prevent it. Why? Because it has nothing to do with you. It is his choice. So no matter how hard you fear what pain may or may not come from the course of your relationship, realize that cheating is a choice. Moving on from a relationship is a choice. Staying together, and giving each other the respect you both deserve is also a choice. Your bf seems he's making the choice to stay with you, and respect your relationship! Trust yourself that you've picked someone who will do that, and give you the respect you deserve. However if he does respect you in anyway, realize it is not your fault! It is his. Let it go. Do whatever you can to deal with the hurt, and heal yourself. Back to, this is not your issue. You can't stop night and day from coming. Or the seasons. Everything always has it's way. But this is just pro active thinking, to help you trust him more. When you realize this is you, you need to trust, listen to your gutt feeling, not your desires, and accept him cheating is a choice, and pain in apart of being a better more beautiful person (though it sucks) you are better prepared for this long distance relationship.
Which brings me to my last point: long distance relationships are hard!! I am telling you from personal experience and most of my friends being in long distance relationships at one point, some still. The distance will test you! Test your nerves, your faith in each other, your own inner strength. Do not let it break you. Learn from it, realize that it's not the distance but it's who you are as people that the distance is mirroring. Weather if he is next to you, or millions of miles away sooner or later you would have to deal with all of your insecurities on your own. You would have to accept your beautiful and your bf loves you. You would have to accept life in painful, but sometimes worth the pain for the amazing feelings to come. You would have to trust yourself, and those around you worth loving. So stay strong, and remember to always speak to him. If you feel your calling at a bad time, listen to your gutt. Not your desires or negative thoughts. Always aim for positive thoughts. Make positive thoughts louder then negative. If he says he can't talk, understand. Just ask when is a better time. If you feel he is avoiding you, ask him, don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. He should be more then willing to accept it, and if he can't realize it has nothing to do with you, even if he says it does. It's him. Because you are imperfectly perfect and beautiful, and he has to realize that to be worthy for you as his girlfriend. Do not be afraid to do what's best for you. If you feel this isn't working, understand that if it doesn't work distance whise, it may eventually not work in a normal relationship setting. Do not blame yourself. Always trust in your own beauty and self. Every relationship is different. Never let your own past, or other people's relationships affect you. At the end of the day this is your life! You have control, and I'm more then positive you will always understand you are beautiful, and you will always take care of you.
Okay... So that is my very long advice :) but I hope I touched on everything and it helped :) I wish you positive luck and wishes with you, your boyfriend and your long distance relationship, and positive thoughts and wishes to the relationship with yourself. :) And you really are amazing... I can tell by your letter to me. Never doubt it!
Good luck!!!
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There are always lots of insecurities on a relationship. A relationship breaks because of one of some factors and that is when a person couldn't manage his/her insecurities anymore. If you trust your boyfriend and both of you are happy in your relationship together, it won't break. Unless if you won't handle your insecurities. I know what you feel. Don't think that you aren't pretty, never think that he might be with someone else who is more than what you are because as you've said he won't cheat on you.
You sometimes see yourself as ugly and you are after to lose of because of that, think smartly of the reason why is he still with you? why he still faithful on you? The reason is that there is something he sees in you more than your beauty. He sees the real you and he accepts it. And there's no reason for you to be insecure.
Don't just hide your insecurities.Remove it. Or else it'll just destroy the relationship. Note that an insecurity leads to jealousy then up to paranoia. And that's the reason of bleeding heart and or suicidal thoughts if you can't take it anymore. And you won't wish it to happen. I made it exaggerated because that is a reality happening in our society today. It all started in a single insecurity.
He won't leave you no matter what if he truly loves you. If he leaves you for someone else, he's not for you and not because you are ugly or not because of one of your insecurities.
I hope he is the right guy for you. You are beautiful and don't be yourself because you can evolve. If you think you are ugly, remember that there are a lot of uglier than you.
My advice is practical and I hope this will help you sweetie. Goodluck to you.
I can feel you. Feel free to reach me.
"blueheart"
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First of all why long distance relationship? It is natural it will give way to insecurities. 7 months is too less a time to know a person properly.
Forget about the past. And try to meet him face to face more often, if possible to know him.
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I understand where your coming from, being cheated on changes everything for a person. Regaining that trust is really difficult but you have to keep in mind that every guy is different. Just because one guy hurt you and made you feel worthless doesnt mean every guy will. You need to remember the reasons you fell in love with your bf. Think about why your still together that will make those insecurities go away. The truth is if he wasnt into you he wouldnt still be around and he would move on. If he makes that effort to talk to even if its not much its still important to remember that he took time out to talk to you. Long distance relationships require a lot of patience and hard work and if your feeling insecure now then it wont last long. Push the negative feelings out and focus on what you have that will get you through this. :)
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Hello my dear!
I will tell you right now,Im in a long distance realtionship myself! I have some insecurities and Im afraid I get clingy too!!
Its very easy to worry and have many emotions and feelings because you may have doubts about what your future holds for you and your boyfriend.
Let's start at the beginning,its long distance and that really puts a strain on things.
How often do you see eachother? Depending in time,alot of it can depend on how your feelings will be feeling,like for example,''Will I stay in love with him a year from now? 2 years? 5?" Its not a bad idea to think long term and see and know for certain how you feel.
Next,set up times when you guys can talk on the phone.
Set up times and dates when you can see one another! Depending on distance,maybe pick up more frequent visits!
If you both have internet sign up for SKYPE,its free and if you have a webcam you'll be able to see eachother. Have eachother's adress? Write letters! Maybe send him some baked goodies.When writing a letter send some nice photos of you,so he can hang them up around his place so he will always have you on his mind,just reminders of you can maybe persuade his feelings and his willingness to spend time with you!
If you find yourself over-thinking,try doing some activities that will distract you,like painting or or some hobby that you really love doing!
Be blessed!! And if you need anymore advice,let me know!
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first I know what you are going through. first there noting like someone is not beautiful. beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. my girlfriend who I really want to marry use to ask me that why do I love her so much cause she thinks she not beautiful but she ok to me and my spirit wants her. beauty does not bring love it brings attraction which is all about sex not love. the guy that cheat on you is not your guy your guy will never feel you not beautiful. his spirit will connect with yours and you will be the only one he will be able to think about. but don't cheat on your boyfriend again because you dont want him to cheat on you I think is fear like that. don't worry if he is your guy nobody can take him from you.
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This is rough! And I can honestly say I feel your pain. The way you worded things sounds a lot like what I feel and go through. I myself am in a long distance relationship and have been for 5 years. We weren't the most stable and when we would stop talking and then start again, it would take me forever to trust him again and not feel like a nuisance.
Something my mom told me was that the key to a successful relationship was that both involved can't lose interest at the same time. What she meant by this was that no one is perfect, and even though your bf probably loves you very much, there's going to be times when you need to hold up the relationship. There's rough patches for everyone and sometime if you ever feel apathetic towards the relationship, maybe your bf will keep fighting for it.
Now after saying all that, I don't mean that he's feeling that way at all. I've found that boys often can't focus on two things at once, and as you said he's probably just busy and is thinking about that stuff. Try not to worry. Whenever I feel this way, I have to remind myself that sometimes my bf isn't as chatty as me, and he doesn't talk as much when new things haven't happened.
As for feeling better, keep remembering all your amazing qualities. Someone is lucky to be with you and he's realized it and wants to do long distance with you. Try keeping yourself busy and throwing yourself into projects. Having your own things and life will definitely help with the self consciousness. If you like books maybe start reading too. If I throw myself into a book, I'm not hurt that I can't talk long on the phone because I want to get to the next chapter. Girl friends can also be a Gods send! Just try and not forget that you are awesome, and that everyone deserves to feel that way. If you need anything else, feel free to message me! I definitely can understand how you feel 100% and I hope into advice helped a little!
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Insecurities stem from low self esteem, low self esteem comes from not thinking of yourself worthy or good. Get a piece and paper and a pen and start writing down things about yourself that you don't like. This is my list:
. I don't look as good as I want to
. I'm not as smart as I can be
. I haven't been being a great boyfriend
As you can tell I have very good self esteem, not because the size of the list but how I word them. I work out 5 times a week for the past 5 years to be stronger and get the body I want, I study a minimum of 3 hours a day to become the very knowledgable health care professional I soon will be, I try and do little things for my gf even though my days have been busy for a good while now.
Once you have your list written out work on those things to become better and feel better about yourself. Everything can use improvement, strive for great not just good enough.
Once you've improved yourself you'll start to think differently about the relationships your in. Gl
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Only tunnel vision people will see the beauty not considering your various parts of your personality . Dont take personally about words told by your ex he is only a single person and there are billions of people in this world will have various opinions .even though you LL have faults , there should be interesting and lovable nature present with in you which you may not identified at present . Have some confidence in mind that even if relationship breaks I LL survive .
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Hi there. 7 months, huh? That sounds long and eventful! Whenever you feel insecure about yourself, I'd like for you to remember this quote: "You must learn to love and accept yourself before anyone else can." I don't know who you are, but I respect you because at least you can look into yourself and determine your weaknesses and strengths. It takes a lot of heart to step forward and admit deep feelings like this... That's a good start! I'm sure you are beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, and nice! You must know and believe that you are all these things to get past your insecurities! If others can't accept you for you--screw them! Go find people who will accept you! Always remind yourself, "I am beautiful and outgoing, and I love myself!" Once your boyfriend see's that you show self-respect and love, he will most likely do the same. Everyone loves and person who loves him/herself.
I completely understand your pain of feeling deeply hurt after being cheated on--as it's something we all have to go through... But you must use that as a learning experience and as something that will add on to your strength and self-love! Forget about your insecurities and such, and try to focus more on what you think makes you beautiful and amazing! Everything will be okay! Good Luck!
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