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My guy friend has a girlfriend but flirts with me and i feel guilty?
Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Sounds lke this guy wants you to be his girlfriend, and isn't taking 'no' for an answer. You may have a long history with him, he may not always have been like this, but he is this way now. People do change, and relationships can become toxic if there is no mutual respect. He doesn't respect your wish to only be friends, so he doesn't respect you. You don't need that from a friend, and you certainly don't need that from a partner. No only that, he's showing enormous disrespect for his current girlfriend by flirting with you.
You may have to be very firm with him, and give him an ultimatum: stop flirting with you, or get cut off completely. He may make some very dramatic gestures to try to make you feel guilty (start cutting again, call you names, etc), but don't fall for that. If you can, talk to his girlfriend about it; after all, she deserves the best of him, and he can't give that if he's focused on you.
Hope this helps.
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Hope this would help
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It is honestly too bad that you can't love him back, but the heart wants what the heart wants(which leads us back to HIS problem)! He has very deep feelings for you and they are not going to just go away.The best advice I can give you is to back off in a serious way. It is the only way he is ever going to accept that you don't view him as more than a friend. Every deep conversation, every intimate moment that you share with him only gives him hope that you will change your mind. Please examine this thoroughly and make sure of YOUR feelings. Sometimes it is only after losing someone that you realize how much they meant to you. He sounds like a special guy and it would be a shame to realize later what you passed up on when he is no longer available. If you are really sure that you could never love him romantically then distance yourself. Tell him you are busy, whatever it takes but he needs to spend some time with the girl he is calling his girlfriend. This is WAY unfair to her and you need to stop playing your part in it by continuing to be so close with him. If you really don't want him,then back off and let him move on. It might take a while of him continuing to try to win you over but you have to stand firm. It is too late for you to just remain friends with him. He has crossed that line and he can never go back to just being friends. You really need to move forward and make the message clear to him that his girlfriend IS his girlfriend!Good luck!
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Hi there! Awe I'm sorry about that. It wasn't long to read and I am here for you. Something similar happened to my friend. The thing is, he likes you a lot right? Well, you have to tell him how you really feel and how you just want to be friends. And if you are really bothered by all the tags about the most beautiful girl and stuff, tell him to stop that too. Just ask him to stop flirting because you aren't interested in him. You helped him through a hard time but only because he is your friend and not because you had any feelings for him. You need to put down the law to him and if he doesn't respect that, you should talk to a teacher you trust about this. That's what my friend did. Now she and the guy crushing on her are best friends again and he doesn't flirt with her. It may seem dorky or embarrassing, but if you really want to get your friendship back, you'll need help. I really hope this works out for you! I'm here if you need to ask any more questions. Good luck!
~glasses
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Your friend had only obsession with you which is not real love .accepting his love spoils both of your life in future . Concentrate on your life goals.
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How's it going, anon-sauce?! Seems like you're in a mighty big pickle here, but it is not impossible to get out of. :)
First, I think you are a wonderful friend for sticking by this dude's side through his dark times. Forgiving and getting through self harm can be a tough process, so kudos to you for encouraging him to get up onto his feet again.
As you just kinda realized (which is totally ok), when we help those who are in a dark rut sometimes end up becoming overly attached, like a child to an adult. This is very common with those who are in recovery from addiction. Their addictive personality becomes a form of clingy-ness towards someone specific that has been by their side. The prime reason for this is because without that addiction (which can involve cutting too), the addict may feel a bit out of whack and perhaps insecure, ergo, end up trying to turn to someone as a security blanket. I'm not saying that this guy's feelings for you aren't sincere; I don't know that but he may have an underlying reason for being obsessed with you. Also, I'm not saying he's an addict but does seem to have express addictive and obsessive traits towards you and cutting. Since I'm not a doctor, don't take my words too close to heart!
ANYWAYS! I'm sorry that he's not getting the 'friend only' hint. That can be extremely frustrating. So, please don't take his actions personally. He's choosing to makes these advances on you even though he has a girlfriend. He is being unfair to both you and his girlfriend. This is not your fault whatsoever. You do not owe him anything for helping him. It's not like you're throwing yourself at him and actually asking him to cheat. He is ruining his relationship, not you. Also, it appears he doesn't love this girl since he is talking smack about her and coming onto you. Again, this is not your fault. You and his girlfriend are both a victim.
I had a similar situation occur, though I wasn't particularly close to him. He had a girlfriend though and would hit on me all the effing time. I knew it wasn't my fault because I wasn't asking for it nor was I attracted to him. Again, you are not ruining his relationship. He is. He needs to respect your boundaries and wishes. Since he isn't, he is not being much of a friend.
It's very kind of him to check up on you and protect you against dingbats, but that doesn't make it ok for him to ignore your boundaries. What makes you think you're taking advantage of him? If anything, he is trying to take advantage of you! There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in order to help yourself be secure. :) You're just being honest.
Now, I'm not saying he's a bad guy or a dick, but he seems to have a lot of issues to work on-which is ok! When he does, he can become aware of his actions and be a better friend.
You clearly value this friendship and seem to be a wonderful friend to him. Likewise, seems like a caring friend to you. But what he is doing is not ok. He doesn't seem 'healthy' right now to be your friend. As horrid as this may sound, I think you should cut off contact him completely. If he continues to be inappropriate to you, you may have to cut off this friendship. I know that seems terrible but he has some issues he needs to address. If he works on them and shows results, then you can allow him to be your friend again.
Again, I know that sounds horrible! I've had my share of de-friending people. Even guy friends who would not respect my boundaries. It is totally normal and can be very beneficial to our well being. If someone is becoming unhealthy to be around, and/or will not respect you, it is best and necessary to have total distance. No matter how much you love them, you you need to care for yourself to. You need to feel safe. Those are the same reasons why I de-friended some people. It doesn't make use selfish or terrible people. We need to pay attention to our happiness and feeling of comfort.
Also, just because you distance yourself from someone, does not always mean that you are never their friend again. Until they own up to their actions, then they may be safe and ok to hang around again. Unfortunately though, some people may not change and thus, the friendship cannot be revived. And that is ok! If you choose to do this, you must cut off ALL contact: facebook, texting, and any other sources of communication. To be fair (and if you feel comfortable) you can contact/hang out with him once or twice a week.
That may sound harsh, and in no way am I implying that he is a criminal, but again: you need to be around people who make you comfortable and respect you. You will also be doing him a favor if you choose to do this: He will be forced to work on his relationship and his issues instead of focusing so much on you.
If you choose to tell him, you can say something like this: I care about you and value our friendship. I also appreciate that you're a caring person to me, but no matter how much I tell you that I just want to be your friend, you won't respect my boundaries. I am uncomfortable of that. Because of that, I cannot be your friend right now. I think you need to work on yourself and relationship. Again, I care about you but I need distance. Until then, maybe we can be friends again.
I hope this helps! Sorry that this is so long! You are not doing anything wrong! You have every right to feel happy and safe. :) And having distance does not make you a horrible dick! You are just doing what you feel is best. Good luck and keep me up to date. :) xx YOU CAN DO IT!
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I'm glad to hear this friend of yours has become a Christian and ceased his destructive behavior on himself. And I praise you for helping him.
You didn't mention how old you are, but I'm going to assume you're fairly young.
What I hear you saying is he wants more than a friendship and you don't...He's pressuring you and you feel uncomfortable with that.
With that understanding, I would say he is emotionally needy and that is a character flaw that turns off just about anyone. What needs to happen is he needs to overcome that. Thank God he has Jesus, because that's who's going to have to change him.
You obviously care about him, but the more attentive you are, the more you feed that behavior. It may come down to this...The only way to save the friendship is to walk away from it.
Let me share this...My husband and I met, were friends, parted ways because of complications, then came back together stronger than ever. But without that separation, we wouldn't have known how dear we really were to each other. We are best friends and that friendship has brought us through many hard times. I hope that makes sense.
Separating or not is your decision...you need to do what's right for you, but don't let him manipulate you. What I mean by that is him threatening to cut again or other things that would bring guilt and condemnation on you just to hold you in an uncomfortable place.
I pray the Lord God be with you as you wrestle though things.
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If you're really serious that you have no feelings for him except a friendship that you never want to give up--you need to sit down with him and explain how you feel. Tell him straight forward that you don't like or want him as boyfriend but just as a close friend. Reassure him and tell him that you'll always be there for him as well. "Through thick and thin". If he really valued your friendship, he would accept it and would maintain being great friends with you. You sound like a very loyal person and someone who deserves loyal friends as well.
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You can't save this friendship. You should just come to terms with that, right out of the box.
Here's what you're going to hear...
Be up front with him and tell him it's over and to stop romanticizing you.
He won't do that, but you run the risk of turning his blind affection into blind hatred.
Be blunt and tell him he's in the friendzone.
Same thing... or you'll end up with him trying HARDER to get out of the friendzone... and it can get weird...
If you want a last ditch effort at saving your friendship, you have two options... both with a high chance of backfiring in your face...
A, you tell him that if he doesn't stop acting this way, and act like a friend, then you guys can't be friends anymore, and that's it. That's the end.
B, you stop being feeling bad about his affection for you and just let him have that feeling. It makes him happy. You enjoy the compliments. It could lead to a potential escalation in his affections, which will make things weird, but that's the consequence of your actions.
If I were you... and this made me REALLY uncomfortable, I would tell him that it needs to stop or we can't be friends... actually I'd just cut him off all together... but that's me. I don't have patience for puppy dogs.
If it doesn't make you that uncomfortable, then just let it go and let him have this. I have guy friends I've shot down, and they treat me quite similarly. They know it's not gonna happen, but I don't mind their adoration. It's nice to be appreciated, and so long as they know I'm not going to change my mind, then it's harmless.
You can't change people. They're going to be who they're going to be. He's going to love you, and there's nothing you can do about it. He's going to treat his gfs like crap because he loves you, and there's nothing you can do about that, either. Your guilt comes from you, not from him. Don't feel guilty anymore. This isn't your problem, in the end.
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You both want different things; You want a friendship and he wants a relationship with you. It's not going to work.
He is not respecting your wishes. You've made it obvious you want him to stop. he hasn't. It's all really disrespectful to his girlfriend. She doesn't deserve that.
It's obvious what he has been doing is making you uncomfortable. He. Needs To. Stop.
You might need to sit him down and say "Hey what you are doing is incredibly disrespectful I'm done. Either you stop,m or we can't be friends anymore"
With whatever you choose, I wish the best of luck to you.
-Hardcore-Band-Geek
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You might need to accept, that as much as you feel this is a friendship, he's not treating you like a friend. He's treating you like a vending machine, and acts like if he just keeps on putting quarters in you you'll spit out romantic feelings for him at some point.
He's ignoring your clear statements about what you want and don't want, and he's ignoring your discomfort with his behaviour.
What he is doing is not friendly, and not only is he being dishonest and disrespectful to his girlfriend, what he is doing is also bullying. Lots of people say of their bullies "Oh, but sometimes they are really nice!" but that doesn't make it okay when they are really mean.
Putting up boundaries is hard, and loosing a friend is even harder, but if he can't shut this shit down, he's not really your friend - he's just a guy who thinks if he pushes you hard enough you'll give him what he wants. If he is only being kind to you in the effort to earn a romantic/sexual relationship with you, that's not real kindness. If he can't stop that eventually you are going have to walk away from him. Maybe that is the thing he needs to hear: Let him know that his behaviour is becoming a friendship deal breaker, and if he can't stop, it's going to kill your friendship.
Unfortunately, a lot of young guys end up doing this sort of manipulation - well the whole time telling themselves they are just being 'nice' or 'romantic' - and thinking they can earn romance from a girl even if she doesn't feel anything like that from them. Most will grow out of it, but not all. When guys are young sometimes the only way to protect yourself from this kind bullying and manipulation and to tell them that this isn't friendly, and to end the friendship completely.
Friendship takes two people. You can't save this all on your own. He has to genuinely want a friendship with you too. If what he really wants, and keeps trying to get, is more than a friendship, it's just not going to work out no matter how hard you try.
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