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Not Sure Anymore
I am so confused. I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed all the time. To the point where all I want to do is cry and at times it takes all I have not to. I feel so alone. I have been married for 8 years but we never talk and lately he and I have been sleeping in separate rooms. We dont even argue we just dont talk. I know I am not happy anymore and I havent been for a long time. But we have children together and this is the only serious relationship I have ever had. To top it all he is controlling so I have never had a job and I dont know if I can support myself or my kids without him. I dont want to be miserable forever but I am terrified of life without him. I dont know how to survive without him. And I have absolutly no friends not a single one because my high school friends and I have drifted apart and I am not allowed out to have any. And I have no family I grew up in foster homes. So without him I am completely alone. I have no one to turn to. No one to stay with til I get on my feet. Am I being selfish by wanting a life of my own. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
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You shouldnt have to feel like you need to depend on this man. This is your life..I understand the complications with having kids and that would be hard to deal with if you and your husband were seperated..but this relationship seems very unhealthy. Dont let him control you. If hes abusive or youre afraid of him hurting you or your kids then you need to get help. I'm sure there are support groups and help for women trying to get out of abusive relationships. But if your life is not endanger then you need to stop letting him run things and take charge of your life. Get yourself together, get a job. Go and try to make a steady living, maybe try and even move out when youre financially stable enough to. Being in this relationship isnt making you any less alone, this is just preventing you from going out and finding new people and finding someone who is good for you, who will talk to and love you and who wont control you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this and you do not deserve this and remember that no one else should have control over your life. Do whats best for you and your kids. Children growing up in this environment of their mother being miserable and restrained cant be good for them either. Divorce is hard but a tense, unhappy home is even harder. Be strong and get out there. You could also try religion and getting in touch with yourself and your inner voice and spirtuality. It will make you realize youre never alone and God ls always with you..even if you believe or not, its true. And yeahI hope this helped and I wish you the best of luck!
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Hi, well alright this is a lot you have going on. So to answer your questions:
1. Am I being selfish by wanting a life of my own. What do I do? From your perspective no you aren't. You have your reasons for feeling the way that you do and thinking the things that you are, but as for your kids; it might be a bit selfish for you to "want a life of your own" if that includes taking your kids along without talking it over first.
2. Where do I go from here?
Well that all depends, on a lot of things. First and foremost you need to clear your thoughts as best you can from all the negativity you are feeling and the anxieties you might be going through. 8 years is a very long, not to mention how many other years in the relationship you've spent together before marriage; your circumstances at the moment are quite rough.
You don't mention why exactly you feel this way, aside from him being controlling; it could be a number if reasons. Now as you stated you have been unhappy/depressed for quite awhile and you and your spouse don't communicate/talk and that alone is a massive issue in any and all relationships.
If you have tried to talk things out, have tried expressing how you are feeling and he isn't taking interest in trying to recover your marriage and salvage your relationship then he must have his reasons for that; despite them being selfish, irrational or flawed.
There isn't much you can do to make things "better" if you don't have your spouse agreeing and cooperating.
You mentioned you have no friends and given the fact you grew up in foster homes you have no permanent family to lean on for support, the only thing I can really suggest is talking to someone over the phone or via e-mail and setting an appointment with a psychologist or any other type of guidance counselor to help with your depression. If you've suggested marriage counseling before and he denied it then talk things over with a private psychologist and tell them your current problems, financial, marriag wise and emotional/mental state.
It's important that you seek help, for venting and they also help guide you in the right direction for resolving your issues. There are a few low budget and even some free counselors you just need to search online for one in your area.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you luck and hope things get better for you dear.
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I'm sorry for the delay. It sounds like he's slowly alienated you from everyone you used to know, and I'm sorry for that. Unfortunately, a lot of controlling men do exactly that, so they can get away with treating women however they want.
It's not selfish of you to want to get a life of your own. You, nor anyone else, were not meant to simply be someone's trophy or their free housekeeping service. You are meant to be free and have a life of your own.
I would recommend applying to some entry-level jobs so you can get some experience. This will also help you make friends. Then, once you've saved up enough money, I would take any necessary legal steps towards splitting up. Talk to people about what you're doing though, so that if at any point he tries to stop you, you'll have help.
I'm really sorry you've gone through this, and I hope things work out well for you. Other than what I've just told you, the best advice would come from professionals, such as lawyers or police.
I hope everything works out well for you.
~Panda
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Come on don't give up and don't lose hope.
Maybe you should try to rekindle that spark with your husband.Like a surprise dinner for two but i that doesn't work then tell me alrigt I will think of another idea.
(=)
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hi there... you have quite a lot going on it seems... i personally never been in a situation like this and it's very serious and only you can make a change only if you want to. sounds like to me you dont want to be with this guy anymore. which is fine and ok. I can't imagine not having a single friend or family member to rely on. I have nothing but ppl in my life so i feel your situation is quite difficult. if you haven't already talk to your husband tell him how you feel, maybe ask if getting a part time job for yourself would be ok? or better yet just tell him you're getting a part time job. you need to be social it's not normal to just see kids all the time and your husband. maybe your close with his family if so talk to them talk to anyone you can a doctor? that can help try there and go from there try to strive to be independent so if you still feel like you need to leave then you have people and money!
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Hi there. I believe you have fallen victim to a very controlling relationship. It is no coincidence that it has virtually destroyed your self-cofidence and self-esteem and now left you in severe doubt that you will be able to cope without this man. That will have been the aim of the controlling personality trait right from the start. The fact that you find yourself without outside friends and close confidentes is likely no chance either and probably has his hand in it? It is a textbook 'divide and conquer' strategy of the control-freak, intended to isolate you and breed total dependence on himself. Sadly, guys with this charater fault can seem reassuring and comforting to be around at the start of a relationship. They appear to have life on the proverbial piece of string, everything in hand. Sure, there are subtle ways to tell a potential control-freak from a sound (confident and assertive) guy, but we are all experts with the benefit of hindsight. And we are not born with this knowledge or ability to identify the signs. It is important to remember that it is not a sign of weakness that you feel this way, it was engineered and implemented by him. It sounds as if the relationship is past reconcilliation or simply facing a 'rough patch'. The only hope might be to attend counselling sessions together. You would both have to be willing to go and try to implement the guidance you are given. I imagine it will be almost impossible to secure this sort of committment from him or even get him to attend a single session? It is not usually the behaviour of the controlling personality. Your own childhood will quite probably have given you a deep dread of breaking up the family unit. And he will probably be aware of this and quick to use it as leverage. Keep in mind that children living with a single parent are generally better equpiied for life than those who have lived in a dysfunctional relationship. The idea of 'staying together for the sake of the kids' is a very unselfish and even noble idea, but tends to be unworkable and extremely destructive to all involved when one tries to actually do it. Kids are neither blind, unfeeling or fools. The wording and use of certain word combinations show very strong signs of a deep mindset in your note. Mindset, not physical barriers. I think the first thing you have to do is to start to take back your independence of thought, then of actions. Maybe start in little ways, and celebrate each small victory. We need to rebuild your self-esteem and ability for independent thought. To condition and program (as it were) yourself for the probability of life without him. Many have faced the same situation and overcome it. You probably think they were stronger and more capable people than you? Wrong. And they felt the self same thing. It's the cumulative effect of being constantly undermined, belittled and brainwashed by a controlling partner. You are stronger than you think right now. Much stronger. You have identified the need for change. He has not mentally bullied it out of you entirely. Naturally, if (more likely 'when') you decide to go it alone practical and logistical problems will arise. You will meet them and handle them as and when they do. Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Try not to pile them up in front of you until they appear as a massive wall, impossible to overcome. Do not predict problems, handle them as and when they arise. By far the hardest wall to overcome is the mental one, the belief that he has imprinted on you that you cannot survive without him. You can, and you will. Accept friendly help when it arises. Start by trying to contact the friends you have let slip away. He is not the centre of the universe, or even YOUR universe. Be very careful about over-reliance on new and re-made acquaintances. There will be a tendency to simply transfer dependence on him to dependence on somebody else. This is NOT what we are aiming to do. It is about self-reliance. It is about YOU. I know all this is easy to say, and far harder to do. You have got to go out and own it, not just talk the talk. There are positives hiding in your letter. You have said til I get on my feet...not if. And wanting a life of my own. That is not selfish. It is exactly what you need and should want. The fact that he is your only serious relationship to date has robbed you of a point of reference, or anything to compare his behaviour to. Yet you know it is wrong. Believe it or not guys like this are the exception rather than the rule. Most worthwhile guys admire a woman they can respect and trust and hold as equal, not someone to dominate and control. You WILL get there. It's probably as dark as it will ever look at the moment, and even an argument with him would be better than the emotional isolation, eh? You are going to do far better than that!! Just drop me a line if you want to chat or there is anything you want to ask me, tell me or just kick around. No worries. X
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This must be really hard for you. As you grew up in a foster home, you don't have any family to ask for advice. And as all your high schools friends a are not with you anymore, you are technically antisocial and that can really break somebody's self esteem because, you don't have anybody telling you that you're amazing. And has for your husband, he doesn't even lobe you. If you guys don't talk, or sleep in the same bed, what's the point of your relationship. Its like, he doesn't even love you anymore. If you want to fix this, ask him to sit for a while, and try to talk together. Ask him, what did we do, so that we cannot have a amazing relationship anymore. If he doesn't want to talk. Just leave him. Try to go find a person who actually love you for who you are. But make sure, to know that person with a 100℅ beautiful heart and personality
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Gosh, I am so sorry that you're in this situation. You are certainly not alone; many mothers have been in your shoes, and many have built a happier life for themselves. Anyways, here we goo!
It is not unusual for you to want to remain attached to him, especially if he is your first serious lover. Many of us hold on to the fantasy of a happy married life and desire to grow old with that one person. However, married life will never be that perfect but that doesn't mean it can't be satisfying.
By reading your story, I can understand how totally worn out you must be! But there are options for you if you want to try to make this marriage work and have your man be willing to work with you. Marriage counseling can be very affective. Marriage councilors help spouses communicate more efficiently and acknowledge their feelings towards the marriage. Even if they end up deciding to split up, marriage counselors can help the process be a bit more peaceful. A marriage counselor can help with your man's control issues too.
But if you feel you would be much happier without him and you do not want to put anymore effort into working together then, you are NOT A BAD PERSON. Being with someone who will not communicate with you can be very exhausting! It is not selfish of you to put your happiness first. You matter to. "If you are happy, then I am happy" should always apply to relationships. Although it took me a while to accept it, I am very happy my parents split up. They were not communicating and often had a lot of difference in opinion with raising my brother and I. They are divorced, but much happier. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON for wanting happiness for yourself.
Many couples have come to terms with the fact that they are no longer happy together, yet remain together for the sake of their kids. While that is compassionate of them, it can be unhealthy. Kids are more susceptible to feelings between their parents then you may realize. I was very young when my parents became unhappy with each other but I remember feeling the tension and stress.
People (us ladies especially) sometimes have difficulty leaving abusive partners, whether they have kids or not. They fear being alone, being a nobody, being inadequate, not being able to find someone as awesome, etc; This is also known as codependency. It is not an uncommon trait, but is very unhealthy and a therapy will help with that.
Now, I am not lying when I say this but: you can live a life without him (and raise your kids). You CAN be someone without him(and raise your kids). You do not need him to survive (or your kids). You were born without him, and you can leave this world without him. You can be happy without him (and raise your kids). Easier said then done but if you are unhappy with him, you need to have the courage to leave.
Ok time for an escape plan! You say that you don't have any family or friends. Is there anyone that you trust? Either it be an acquaintance or an adult? It takes courage to ask for help and it is SO rewarding when you are able to receive it. In this world, no human can survive without help. If you are having difficulty, I suggest you get into therapy. I would not be the person I am today without therapy. Therapists are trained and professional. They will keep everything you say confidential (unless you plan on harming yourself or others :p). But please, DO NOT give up on asking for help. You may be surprised as to how many are willing to help.
In conclusion...
You are not being selfish whatsoever. When we are struggling, it is vital to put our needs and happiness first. You matter to. And by helping your well being, you may not realize it, but you are helping your kid's well being too. I was very happy to see both my parents happy living without each other. You deserve to have a life of your own. You are in control. Where do you go from here? I suggest writing down people you know. Anybody. Try and find the courage to reach out. Try to look into therapy to. Therapy will help with your codependency issue. Your therapist can walk you through the way out of this.
Good luck, sweet cheeks. Keep me up to date. :) You can survive.
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Hi there! Wow this is a very serious question. I'm only in high school so I don't know much about marriage, but I do know that you need to talk to your husband about how you feel. And is it really up to him to decide if you should get a job? And if you and him decide your relationship isn't working out, then when he is gone, GET A JOB! He can't control your whole life just because he's the man. You have a say in your relationship too. You need to lay down the law with him and if he doesn't like that, leave him. You can start out a new life. Find a nice job and find a nice affordable apartment or house, (depends on the job you get) and find a place not to far away so you can still have your kids for weekends or week nights (whatever the plan is). You deserve a good life and if he isn't the right guy, then you can find another one. Your kids will have to understand that if you and your husband aren't happy being together anymore, you just want to move on. You can't let him control your life. Make a new life, get a job, find friends from work, find a new place to call home, find a new bf, and make life work. You can make your life so much better if you have the chance to decide. Good luck. If you need anymore advice, ask me because I am here for you. Good luck and I really hoped this helped.
~glasses
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Your question hits very close to home and instead of telling you what you need to do I'd like to tell you what I did. My husband and I have a daughter together he raised my son. There was moments I was miserable but lately everything seemed perfect other than he was sleeping on the couch son I started sleeping on the other couch to be near him. We talked but not enough. He was controlling I found out he abused my son. I worked he didnt. I didn't make much money. He walked out a year ago today actually just left took all money the only car my drivers licenses he thought he took enough that id be stranded I was terrified I cried I had to take my kids to work with me. That's evening I finally called failed ended up moving a long ways away and starting over and trust me every day is still a challenge and for the most part I am happy. I work full time family helps with kids but state would pay for child care. I still don't have a vehicle but I'm working on it. You can do it abuse is not just physical abuse. It's emotional and finial as well. There are shelters phone numbers you can call there is a ton of support for single mothers. Remember if your not happy your kids aren't happy.
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well I feel your pain...first let me say it sounds like you have some sort of an abuse going on..he doesn't want you to have friends or a job...woman, you need to grow a pair..and Iam sure your behavior of "I cant l live without him, and how will I support the kids, listen you can go to a shelter...you can IF YOU WANT get out now, IF YOU WANTED TO...my advice, get some spiritual counseling...talk to a pastor, you need to get strong, because someday, those kids will be out of the house, and you will be alone with this man..or he may well leave you...you have to pray and ask God to show you the light, to get out, or at least improve yourself...stop being a coward and a scardy cat..which Iam sure is not very attractive to your husband, its a big turn off...if he oays a hand on you call the police, or if he goes to work, leave and go to another town and go to a shelter and get welfare...take care of yourself...or you can do the lazy thing and stay til he leaves you, its your choice
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Life is too short to be unhappy. It's up to you if you want to leave even though you have kids together. I'm sure it was hard growing up without parents, but it's also going to be very hard on your kids if their parents don't stay together.
Marriage is a partnership; no one person should have complete control, that is why it's not working out for you to. If getting a job is what you really want to do then tell your husband that your going to get a job, that it's important to you to be capable of proving for yourself and the kids. Stick to your decision and tell him what's on your mind. You don't wanna live in a loveless marriage and want to try to make things work. Not all men are mature enough to handle being told no but it needs to be done.
Be confident not aggressive; get what you need to be happy, as long as it's nothing unreasonable your husband should support you
Reasonable: having a job, having friends, having fun, having your own life.
In my opinion they are all neccisary but not everyone shares my values
Nobody finds happiness easily; good luck
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