Dragonflymagic's advice column | Page 281

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Female

Location:

Washington state

Occupation:

Retired

Age:

64

Member Since:

April 24, 2013

Answers:

7093

Last Update:

October 11, 2025

Visitors:

128379

Favorite Columnists

solidadvice4teens

kittenlover2000

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

My grandmother is mexican and I think she is racist. She used to talk bad about my mom in spanish all of time. She stopped when she found out my mom speaks spanish and her and my mom have had arguments. She told my dad that she didn't want him to be with my mom because she's black. This just really bothers me. I don't like to be around her cause I think she's racist and she doesn't like my mom. I don't like to go to her house, but she is my grandma. Should I ignore her?

Having a grandparent who wants to spend time with you is a wonderful thing. If shes not mistreating you, only be concerned about your relationship with her. You are part black, so it's highly unlikely that she really carrys any bad views about black people. Right from the start when your dad began to date or intend to marry she didn't like her and didn't want him to marry her. You weren't there then. So you can't know what was really said, whether she just didn't like your moms character or skin color.
If both your parents have told you or you over heard them mention the fact grandma actually did say she didn't like black people when she was first introduced to your mom, that may have been the case then but that may not be the case now that she has gotten to know your mom through being a part of the family. Lots of people have 'preconceived ideas' about someone different than them whether its color of their skin, their religion, their sexual orientation or preferance. But for many, once they get an opportunity to meet someone with one of those differences and really get to know them, they find the people is just as cool as them and there's nothing wrong or different about them at all. Out of embarrassment, some people would rather not bring up how they used to believe and how they now have changed but they just carry on without asking for forgiveness. Its not asking for forgiveness that shows they have accepted what they once shunned, it's how they now embrace it. Her and your mom may still not be very close or have much in common as people but that shouldnt stop you from enjoying grandma.
You have a wonderful Mexican heritage to learn about from her and have passed down to you. Take interest in her and her family background. Ask her questions and get to know her. What are some of her favorite family mexic an recipes. Would she teach them to you? Or show some other such personal interest in her. She may have some valuable things to teach you. Enjoy and learn while you can. Grandma won't be around forever. By time you're a grown up with a family of your own, likely grandma may not be around anymore.

Okay so the boy I like asked for my number the other day and that evening we texted for about 3 hours. Anyway, I'm not sure whether to text him again - I haven't seen him since we last texted so there's not really anything for me to text about :/ I don't know if he'll be expecting me to text though because he started the conversation before.

Yes, text him. If a guy has to initiate all the time, he may get the impression that a girl isn't that into him.

I agree with the others too on how to start a text. I love an article by wiki-how that goes over this in more detail. Keep the conversation opener casual, also don't talk too much about yourself, find questions to ask him. If calling or texting after the holidays, you can ask him how his Christmas was. What did he do. Does he have anything about the holidays he likes in particular.You could share what your favorite thing about the holiday season is. Ask if he or his family have any holiday traditions and be ready to share some of your own once he has answered. Or he may not think of anything to answer until you share and that triggers a memory for him to share.

When ever you can in a conversation, find a way to compliment or encourage him, it shows you really care about him more than casually without coming on too strong. And here is the link to wiki article if you are interested. It says how to flirt which I believe is mislabeled. It sounded more like texting and conversation advice to me.

http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt

Ok so this boy came round my house today and gave me a Christmas present and told me he loves me. And he thinks we are dating when we are not because I already have a boyfriend. so I have to keep lying to the boy so I don't hurt his feelings and I my boyfriend. but I am so confused on whether I should just go out with none of them because everyone is saying my boyfriend doesn't care about me and the boy does. it's just really stressing me out and I don't know what to do anymore.....

The boy who gave you a present and said he loves you is actually just very attracted to you and likes you in a surface level way. It can't be love because it doesnt work that way, at least 99% of the time it doesn't. It takes time to get to know a person deeply enough, the kind of time spent together in each others presence over time so being in love with someone one hasn't even dated is not very likely at all.
So this puts him at the same level as any other guy who might be attracted to you. Attraction is the first level of possible future relationships. Having conversation with and enjoying how they think and communicate then leads to dating where both people agree to start hanging out together, spending time together.
In this process of lying to the boy to avoid hurting his feelings, exactly how much conversation are you having with him and how much time are you spending letting him hang around?

Without realizing it, you may have been sending him a message that you are indeed interested in him. If so, no wonder he thinks you are dating and that he has a chance with you. Accepting the gift without any objection is also leading him on.

If you are young, teen or college age, dating should be a time to date several different guys so you can form an idea of what you are attracted to, what type of guy treats you best, etc. and you can't learn that from continuously settling on dating only one guy for as long as possible. Without comparison between a couple different guys, its much harder to know if the one you are currently with is really a nice guy and your friends are mistaken, or whether he's a douch-bag and they are right. If the only reason you haven't agreed to date the other guy is because you are dating someone else, you will need to ask yourself some questions about each guy. Does it feel likes he's really into you? Does he compliment you? Does he tend to encourage you in things you have an interest in? Does he feel like a best friend? Do you feel attracted to him romantically? If the current boyfriend leaves you wondering, maybe its time to tell him you are going to date others and let him go. If you are attracted to the one who gave you a gift, then spend some time getting to know him better. If you want to be in a position of not having to break up with anyone for a while, at least until you are of an age where you feel ready to marry or commit to a long term relationship, and being able to date and check out any new guy that comes along, then let each guy know that you are not dating exclusively yet. You are dating to decide what you really like in a guy first. But that may be too much for you, in which case, you will need to be gentle in your words but be firm when you tell someone you will no longer be dating them. If they ask why, the easiest answer that won't hurt is that you don't feel a chemistry. There has to be some kind of chemistry to be friends.

This is not about being a slut if you are strictly dating without being sexual to learn. If you get to the point in a relationship where you have serious feelings for one person, thats the time to say goodbye to everyone else and make a commitment to him and then enjoy whatever else the relationship has to offer.

And lastly, just follow your heart, it has a way of knowing where to go...just don't lie to yourself or anyone else.

Okay, so, Phillip was the guy that picked me up from work. Zach, Kenneth's best friend is the one that did all the asking on a date for Kenneth, but then later that night Kenneth told me Zach was bull crapping. I don't really know why Kenneth would ask me if he had a chance with me in the first place if he had no interest in me. The whole store thinks I'm obsessed with Kenneth because of what ZACH did. But Kenneth knew it was all Zach, but I don't want other people to make Kenneth thin I am obsessed with him. Because I'm not. I just don't really know how to handle the situation, because I do like Kenneth and I want to still have a chance with him. What do I do? And what do you think is going on?

If Zach and Kenneth were still much into middle school and high school shenanigans, then theres a possibility that Zach egged Kenneth on and dared him to say that to you, whether he was interested in you or not.
So the questions weren't just general questions about you but Zach was telling you that Kenneth is asking him (Zach) to ask you out for Ken cus he is too chicken too ask you out hisself?
Then Kenneth says Zach was spouting a bunch of baloney, its all bull crapping. If so, I would say you have a right to ask him if he was bull crapping too when he asked if he had a chance with you. He did that of his own free will.
If you don't like guys who play games like this at the expense of a girl, tell each one separately that you don't like guys playing silly games like this that leave you wondering. Tell them as far as their future interactions with you, they need to 'Say what they mean, and mean what they say.' Translated: Be totally honest, not misleading. When you say something, be ready to back it with action or proof. Depending on their mental capacity, you may have to translate that saying for them. 'giggles'
After that, see what they do. A person sends out signals with body language if they have an interest, so if Kenneth is looking at you a lot, does things to find a reason to be near you, within your bubble, standing next to or sitting beside you. Getting arms length away is what is meant by 'close'..its close enough to touch. Someone who doesnt like the person that close to them will subconsciously without realizing it, step back away to create space between them. If you like Kenneth enough to want to learn more about him, then get close to him to see if he stays put or moves away. If he stays put and welcomes your closeness, then it is a good idea to do innocent flirting next...all non obvious stuff but natural reasons to touch him. Like if he teases, a soft punch in his shoulder, patting his arm for emphasis while talking to him. Pretending to pick an eyelash off his cheek. Heres a link to an article about that. Good luck.

http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt

I met a guy (35 years old) at a function a few nights ago...I'm 29 and female. We hit it off and talked for around two hours, and he asked for my number. The conversation went well, he seemed really interested in me, and since he just moved into the city, I said I could show him around the neighborhoods. At the end of the night, as we said bye, he said we'd hang out but he didn't seem entirely genuine--he actually seemed a little awkward. I said something like "yeah, let's hang out sometime. I'll show you around the neighborhoods." And he left at that--a little rushed because we were basically the last people there. I haven't heard from him, and I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe I came across as eager, and should have just let him go without reminding him we should hang out? I guess what I'm meaning to ask is, did I come across as too available and eager? The whole thrill of the chase thing annoys me to no end, but with some men, it's the way things go...

He started the conversation about hanging out. All you did was agree it was a good idea and you could show him around. If a guy was not interested in a female after talking with her, he would not ask for your number to hang out again. Guys minds dont work that way. If he wasnt interested, he would have said something, like, well it was nice talking to you, have a great night and then leave.

So you will just have to wait for him to call. If he never does, then just write it off as a fun 2 hours spent and let it go cus if he were interested, believe me, a guy will call at some point.

Since you don't know him much more than a stranger on the street, its possible that everything or most of it was made up if he is a player, trying to date several gals at a time and already has a girlfriend in this city. But rather than focus on the negative, just keep it in the back of your mind but treat him as totally innocent...remember innocent until proven guilty. Your subconscious picked up on something that didn't feel right to you, maybe his body language and tone of voice changed somehow. Its no crime to talk to someone of the opposite sex even if you're already involved with someone, but to ask for phone number and then suggest hanging out is the point at which a guy knows he is being false and that could account for the things you sensed.

Then again, You could be totally off, maybe he was tired or had a headache and just wasn't feeling as he did earlier.
If you liked him enough to want to date someone like him assuming he is really available, then accept his offer to hang out.

If you do get a chance to talk with him again, ask if he knows any people in the city. He only said he just moved here, not that he didnt know anyone here or have friends or family here, right? Then ask to meet those friends or family once you've dated a while, if he is not willing to do so, he's hiding something.

I was wondering what I could possibly do to make my mom like me again. It seems like after the "child" stage, she stops liking her children. My mother isn't horrible. I don't think of her as the devil or anything but she is very very mean sometimes. Ever since I was about 12 she started talking about me. Not like a mother should talk about a daughter either. She used to make fun of my weight (I had thyroid problems we found out..) She would say that I would turn out like my aunt (she's overweight but not like she needs to be in a hospital sort of way) or that I would be 500 pounds by the time i'm 16. I'm currently 17 right now and my weight still isn't the best but I do try. She's stopped saying all that kind of stuff now. Occasionally, she'll say I need to watch what i'm eating but that's it. My father and mother actually separated last year so it's been extremely tough. She used to fight with my dad but now it seems that i'm her new target. Everything I do is wrong apparently. I'm fine in school, I don't drink/smoke and i'm ALWAYS home (which is a problem to her..?) I always get around to what she wants me to do and i'm literally always there for her. She's recently got a new boyfriend who's an "inspiring artist". He has no job other than painting here and there and he's super super shady (no pda other than inside, no facebook postings, no nothing). He doesn't try to talk to me at all because apparently i'm intimidating to him. I mean if you're dating a mother you should at least try? He's not the problem but he is a huge distraction to her. Ever since he came "back" into her life, my mom seems to want nothing to do with us. She rides with him on his motorcycle literally HOURS away from where we live, doesn't come home until late and always ALWAYS says that she "doesn't want to be a mother anymore" and "go ask your father if you can live with him because i'm done." I mean what could we have possibly done to make her hate us this much? (I have two brothers too.) I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I've been her punching bag for long enough and I would try and give her the world if I could but I just can't. I don't know how to. I'm just a high school student that doesn't even know where she wants to go anymore. I feel like my hope is completely drained and I can't help but feel lost and sad all the time now. Another problem is that I don't have a job. It's not that I don't want one, it's just that I live maybe 20+ minutes walking time away. I wouldn't mind it but I have terrible OCD when walking highways because i've almost been kidnapped about seven times now. It seems like the world just wants me to give up. Every time I feel like i'm a few steps ahead something just comes in and brings me back to the beginning. I don't want to go back to how I used to be but I feel like that's where i'm headed again. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would really help.

(Therapy is a NO; i've already been through 3 therapists. Court therapy is also a NO; I've already done that and gotten in trouble for it. My mother does not want to go out of her way to fix this/talking to her is like talking to the wall, I must have cried to her a million times by now/living with my dad is a NO too)

There's no easy answer, just because you are a parent doesn't mean you are automatically mature and without any problems or issues. So since I don't know your parents backgrounds, i have little clue of what is causing her to act this way. But it certainly is nothing that you or your siblings have done or just because of who you are.

Let me explain: In life, each person has a choice of how they will respond or react to any thing in their world. The response is an internal thing. The world around us, can't MAKE us be a certain way, such as mean vs kind, bitter vs forgiving, joyful vs sad, etc... we choose how we respond...the external things, outside of our bodies, hearts, minds, whether family members, friends, strangers, job, etc... those things are only the triggers that take a person through a process where they make a choice how to react or respond. Reaction comes from a soul level, not much thought is given to it, the basest negative emotions are allowed free reign to do as they wish. A response is where a person takes the time to carefully think over the situation, and what they do is usually take an action that does not harm any other or themselves, it is positive, usually a win-win attitude, with positive emotions and feelings coming to the forefront, patience, forgiving, understanding, kindness, compassion, love, etc...
I don't know the details of why you can't go to your dads. He is the other parent. In the divorce, kids go with the parent best able to care for them. Mom is neglecting you kids. If none of you are legal age of 18 yet, then those who aren't will be of concern to CPS, child protective services. My advice is to talk to a school counselor and ask what can be done if mom has abandoned or neglected you and dad for whatever legel reasons cant take you...like being on drugs, abusive. You can't be left on your own to fend with her dropping by every once in a while. Or you call CPS yourself and ask them what can be done. Perhaps there is a grandmother or aunt you could live with but the courts would have to give them the legal guardianship if mom was giving it up. She'd have to go to court for that too I am sure. Lastly, what your mom did, in how she spoke to you, belittling, critisizing, talking negative, no kind words...that is verbal abuse. So my guess is that mom just may have some medical or mental issues that contribute to her being like this. For all I know, her behavior may have been what caused the divorce. You mention therapy that occured for yourself. You did not mention if there was family therapy or if your mom ever went for therapy and therein may lie the problem. Someone believed what they were fed, by mom and thought you needed the counseling when she is the one who is in dire need of it. That is a self defensive posture people with mental problems take in order to take any possible focus off themselves, they point at someone else and try to convince others that the other is the one with problems. I should know, I had a verbally abusive ex and he told our church counselor that I had terrible problems and needed to come in for counseling. The counselor never approached me because they could see by my behavior that I had no problems. You do have to talk to someone. You need local help, not advice from on line. Are there any other adults you feel close to that you could ask for help? This is too much responsibility for a teen to carry on their shoulders to find a solution...you should not have to. So try the school counselor, a friends mom, an aunt or grandmother, maybe a church pastor...but you need to reach out to someone. Dont let the fear that they will think you are the problem hold you back because no matter what you may have done, there is no good excuse for how your mom is acting.

Say if a christmas miracle happens and he goes to hang out with me one last time would it be bad if. I was positive and became self confident in myself and become attractive spen a fun day with him and then dissapear? To just reassert a more positive image of myself in his eyes and then see if he will miss me and rethink his decision?

Hon, if it were so easy to change a character trait, a way of acting, a bad habit, to just decide to do it and like the flick of a switch, all of a sudden you have made some positive changes, then if it were that easy, all the smokers in the world who want to quit smoking would be able to do it overnight. Thats not how life works. Its a lot more complicated than that.
There's nothing I can really say that will help you. The best way to learn out of life is to just go with your gut feeling cus it's likely something you are meant to experience. There's no promise your experiences will be all fun and roses. The only real growth any of us ever do is through going through painful, unfair, harsh, disappointing experiences. Some people become hard and bitter and disillusioned. And others are able to still find joy in life and go on no matter what. So what is the difference?

Let go of expectations...those things you imagine in your mind how things should turn out...cus life comes with twists and turns that can't guarantee it and people who understand this are able to learn from their experiences.

Keeping an open mind toward change is important. Most of us hate change cus its scary, but change is important or we stay stuck in a rut for our entire life or at least a long time.

Asking yourself what could you possibly learn from what you are going through, there is always something we can learn. When I left an abusive ex, I had to learn how to forgive him, and to trust other men and not compare them to him. Your inner voice, belongs to your higher self...just keep asking what you are supposed to do, what are you supposed to learn. Some think that inner voice is their angels speaking to them and that may be. If you don't ask, you won't get the answers but the answers really do lie within you...believe me, I know from having to do the same...and I got my answers...
the answers may not be what I wanted to have happen. But I can tell you that each time I had a dissapoint or things not go as I imagined, my angels were able to move me on to the next step in life of what i was supposed to experience because I was flexible and not stubbornly clinging to something that was falling apart and going wrong. I have been able to experience far greater blessings by moving on, many times in life, than by staying stuck.

I was just watching a you tube series done by men for women to help them understand guys. The guys were mid 30s to 40 but talked of how they were when younger. SOme did stupid things but they soon learned they were attracted to 'strong' women...not physical strength but women who had a good self image, felt sure of herself and her ability to talk to men, and loved and enjoyed the company of men but did not "need" them. She was not clingy, not asking when they can get together next, not calling or bugging him all the time and that is what makes a woman very uncontrollably attractive to a male. The problem they said is that at age 20 or so, females don't know how to be like this yet. Its seems it is something that is learned over time, with age. So women in their thirties and older are more attractive because they have figured it out. Its a rare teen or college age girl who can be like that without having to learn it. If you are ready to start becoming that mature woman, do so for your self, not because you want to attract a guy. You will find once you are focused on personal growth and really making strides...not in a day or two but over the years, then eventually guys are going to notice you, and you may easily have many guys coming after you because you are what a guy really wants...a strong self assured woman.
Don't believe me? Start doing searchs on you tube and watch some dos and donts for girl on dating, what guys want, that sort of stuff. I am 55 years old and I have men coming after me all the time. I am married but they don't even think to check if I am, they just see a self assured strong woman who knows what she wants out of life, and they find that attractive and sexy. Guys I don't know who are friends of friends on face book find me and ask to date me, say they are single and looking for someone like me. So I am not kidding you hon, but what you need to learn can't be learned in a week end or a couple months.

The most i can offer to help is in helping you find videos to watch that will help teach you if you are ready to stop thinking about guys and focus on yourself, that 365 days a year...focusing on personal growth and not looking to save a relationship or find a relationship with a guy. But dont beleive me...go ahead and do what you think you need to do to get this guy or another. And you will fail because if you are not focusing on personal growth and learning...then you are on the path of failure in relationships.
No matter what path you take, I wish you learn something from it. Happy holidays dear.

I asked him if we could hang out tomorrow and he told me that he has family parties for the next three days and i believe him because i dont think hed lie to me een if ehs pver me.but i asked him again what about the time before your parties and that snapped him and he told me that im pushin the boudaries and that hes already giving me a chance to hang out even if he really doesnt want to and then i may have just ruined it by pushig the boundaries and thst he doesnt even think that he wants to hangout with me anymore(which is ronic cause he toldme he didnt wsnt to hang oht with me but then after he said he did?) and then he told me to stop thinking about myselffor once and that this isnt the first time something like this had happened.because i tend to be really clingy or panicky(at least since we broke up) after a long time where we woulldnt see each other. Hm i dunno.. Is it really time to shut up suck it up an move on? I think im going to try to give this one last shot if hes fine wieth hanging out with me one more time..

One last thing to think about, I hope you realize that you are thinking like a female, not thinking like a guy. So while the things you try to do might work on another female, unless the guy is transgender, (meaning his brain tells him he is a female), then the only things that will work with a guy is to think like a guy. You might benefit from reading on book on understanding men, how they process things in their mind, how they think and see and perceive things in their world around them...its really quite different than us girls. And that is what causes the greatest problems in relationships, even for two who are perfect for each other.

So here is an ad by a guy who teaches women all they need to know about men. Listen to the ad and then sign up for his newletters with information. This is critical information whether you get a chance to use it with the ex boyfriend or future men.

http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/index.html?s=80004&mkwid=ceg0xNpa1&pcrid=19538703259&pmt=&pkw=&plc=www.ehow.com&gclid=CNqApdHaxbsCFahDMgodj2oAQQ

I have taken two pregnancy tests in the last month and they both came up negative, but I still think I'm pregnant due to missing a period and having cramps/some odd bleeding. Therefore, I have an appointment to see my doctor in the next couple days.

I am not scared of being pregnant since I am 22, live on my own, have a job and want children of my own, but I do have a few questions. I'm not in a relationship with the "father" so how do I go about telling him if I am pregnant? He works in a trucking business and is away quite a bit. I am prepared to be a single Mom if that so happens and I'm just curious about what you might have done in this situation. This will be my first child and I'm actually kind of excited to know if I am expecting. I have not told anyone at all so far; I plan to tell my Mother after I find out and I know she'll be accepting if I am. Do you have any other advice besides what I asked?

I am not going to answer those questions because that is 'jumping to conclusions'. If the doctor discovers you are pregnant, then come back and ask.
Right now, you need to realize that if 2 tests are negative, you're probably not pregnant.
Missing a period can be due to illness, stress, and other changes in life. One could be a medication you just starting using, or if you are on birth control, there can be all sorts of side effects from it. Or lastly, there could be something wrong medically that requires doctor intervention.
It is good that you are going for an appt.

Youve answered some of my questions before but heres a recap in case. Pretty much ive been in a relationsgip with my boyfriend for over a year and weve broke up for thee months so far. Its been weird, in person the last two times weve seen each other we got intimate an he told me he loved me and missed me. But then after a while when we texted each other he told me that e realized that its maybe better to move on because he wants to live his life independently such as due to his parents expectionas my expectations and such. Hes going through a hard time from family. And when i talk to him about us then he get mad and says hurtful things. But when i try to talk to him casually i end up asking a lot of questions so we can talk because his responses are short. I didnt talk to him for two days because while in an argument he told me he has nofeelings for me anymore because he has no feelings for anything anymore not even his family because hes so tired of everything. And so i got hurt and didnt talk to him at all for two days. Then the third day my friend from his school(we got o diff schools) told me that my ex laid his head onto this girls lap.(this girl had tried to break ud apart in the beginnin of our relationship and he used to like her a lot a few years back but it turned out that she used him to get over her ex and so he left) so i got jealous and possesive and talked to him casually wising him goodluck for his finals. We then talked a bit and then we didnt even finish talking and he told me that he had to go to sleep because he had a speech the next day and sayd "talk later or whatever" (sounds like hes okay with talking to me perhaps?) ad then finals came and we both were busy soi kept the talking to a minimum so we can study. Then i talked to him recently friday asking if we can hang out on saturday to go to christmas in the park(a christmas themes festival of sorts) on saturday and then he said why saturday? And i told me vecause i like a soon as possible kind of thing and he told me"we have the entire break" (idk if this means hes okay with hanging out with me?) an then i got him kinda annoyed and then i told him that this was important that we see each other cause hes different to me in person and then he told me"its important to you not me" (i was sad from this...) and then im planning of asking him again if we can go to christmas in the park tomorrow. I dont know what i can do to rekindle his love for me. Like i know he has feelings most likely but he just kinda doesnt want anyone like pushing him to reach their own expectations. How can i get my boyfriend back... Please help. I dont want togo down without a fight. Ive bettered myself because i can live independently but its just i miss his love and i want to be there for him at his time of need like i used to be able to do. Please help me get him back..

The extra details help here. I would say he is not interested in you at all romantically. And you are quickly doing all the things to kill the chance of even just remaining 'just friends' with him.
I have read the advice of a male dating specialist who gives advice to women, what to do and what not to do.

Here's a synopsis of what a gal does wrong or causes problems if she doesn't understand:

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wants and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

Number one works the other way too. A guy who isn't interested romantically but willing to just be friends, will find even the desire to be friends killed by her constant "Can we talk, can we meet, can we go somewhere" Whats final in his mind for whatever reason can not be changed. But you can only greaten the chasm between you and him if he's willing to be just friends.

Hon, what you may be confusing for his initial love for you may have been nothing more than NRE, new relationship energy which as far as feelings of attractions and passions, is like that shot of adrenaline going through you. And like adrenaline, after some time, it wears off. All relationships start with NRE, its what you are left with once it wears off that is a true indicator if the both of you are right for each other. You either have a pheremone attraction or you don't. You can't change your pheromones.

It doesn't sound like depression or I might answer different and encourage you to try to not give up. You said his parents have expectations. If he is under legal age, he pretty much is stuck having to abide by his parents rules while living under their roof as far as how old he must be to date and dictating who he can date. If he is an adult, it doesnt matter what they say, he can do what he pleases. He doesn't like living up to what parents you and maybe what society expects of him. The guy may need some professional counseling to discover what he is 'resisting against' the battle is in his mind. Perhaps he knows but is afraid to accept doing and being the person he is meant to be. Maybe its over life goals and vocation issues, then again, maybe he is asexual, bisexual, transgender or gay and has not been able to own up to that and can't tell anyone and will deny it because he isn't ready to accept himself that way and your expectations of just a loving romantic dating relationship of course can never be if thats the case. Who knows...I am just supposing here and my guess could be wildly off.

So you want to know how to get him back? Well, everyone has free will so other than your discovering a way to rob him of free will and make him do as you wish, it isn't going to happen. In all my life, I have never found a way to make a person do something they don't want to do. Its like that saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"
If he truly has some mental issues that need a counselor to help iron out, he needs to come to that conclusion himself and won't take kindly to others telling him to see a counselor.

Hon, all of us want to feel loved and desired by someone, to feel special because someone cares about us. You're just kidding yourself if you think just having his presence in your life will be enough and make all the difference. If his heart isn't there along with his presence it will be like hanging out with your brother, and never be the romantic returned love that you are seeking.
But you don't have to believe me on that, sometimes life experience is the best teacher.

Hi, I am a sixteen year old girl, and I am in big need of some advice! I work at McDonald's, where I met this guy I began to like. I didn't tell anyone about me liking him, then one day he steeped out in front of me and asked "do I have a hance with you?" I told him yes and walked away. Since then his friend Zach which we also work with tried to get us to go on a date. Zach made me believe it was him wanting to know, but it was actually all Zach. Now he and the whole store think I'm obsessed with him for some reason! I have no clue whyC because that whole thing didn't even involve me. It was all Zach. The night we were supposed to "go out." I had a fiend of mine come get me from work and we hooked up. (For the record that was the only time I've done that, I'm not skanky) and Kenneth looked upset when I left with him. After I left he also asked my friends if I'd left. What is going on with this situation? In so confused and have no idea what to do now.

So ken is the one who first asked if he has a chance with you? But since then it was his friend Zach talking to you on Kens behalf? Why? Did you ever wonder, cus if Ken had enough guts to ask you that first question, even if shy he should have been able to talk to you about anything else.
Zach was playing games with you? Making it appear it was Ken asking the question when it was really Zach who wanted to know? Okay, if so, how do you know that for sure? Are you guessing? Did you ever ask, "if Ken wants to know, why doesn't he ask himself? He's talked to me before."
I don't know who the "He's are in the rest of your story. Who thinks you're obsessed with him? Zach or Ken. And the night you were supposed to go out (with who Ken or Zach) a friend from work gave you a ride home (was it Zach or a third person) you hooked up?

You may not be skanky but you need to ask yourself why you felt so drawn to even go that far with someone who just gave you a ride home. Unless....Is this guy you hooked up with the original person you were talking about that is the 'guy you began to like' instead of Ken? If you answered yes to Ken's question, and he is assuming you are leaving on a date with a guy from the work location, I can see how he would have reason to be upset if your yes meant you were interested in him. Why leave with another guy. Perhaps this male friend from work you left with and hooked up with is a player who has been telling all the guys there that he likes what he sees when he looks at you and is gonna try and see if he can sample any of it, and then go on to the next girl that turns his head.
I know it sounds clear in your mind in the telling dear but without a clearer who are the "he's" in the rest of story, I am as confused as you. Replace every him and he with a name or just an initial is sufficiant, K, Z and ? and it may help me to understand what your situation is. Otherwise I would only be guessing. Thank-you dear

Well not contacting him at all was very difficult so i stopped by andmessgaged him a couple times saying good luck for the finals and asked a bit about what classes the finals were on that day etc just dmall talk and then made an excuse to leave it on a happy note or something so we dont get into an argument. Christmas is coming up i was wondering if i should get my ex something? Or should i not... Because when it was my birthday he paid no mind to it... /: i also asked him to christmas in the park yesterday... And he said why do you want to go on satirday we have the whole break. Turns put that he told me after a while of talking that he was going to sg saturday. But does that mean hes okay with seeingme? But its confusin because after i was like this meeting is important to me and he said that its only important to you not me. So i was like confused... Im going to try to ask him again to see me soon is that an okay desicion? Because its realllllly hard not talking to him at all caus wim scared hes moved on plus its winterbreak so i want to take advantage of this break to see him and to find out the truth and see if theres any hope at all.

You're not asking enough direct questions or asking for clarification on things he says. And my guess is that subconsciously you may be afraid to ask on the spot because you are afraid of the answer. Your gut instinct is already telling you the answer.

I dont know what sg is, but when he said he was going to sg Saturday...thats when you should have asked, "So you are really busy on Saturday? Be honest because I dont want to assume you really want to continue to see me around if you'd rather not.
See how simple it is?
You probably don't even know why he broke up with you. In some relationships its mutual and both realize that as nice as the other may be, that they are not right for each other for a long term relationship or marriage which is the ultimate goal. Some of us start dating only to find out more about the person after initial interest, not because we want to make a commitment to them. Then reason for most break ups is that one or both people have learned all they need to know about the other and realize they are wrong for each other. What one person is feeling that feels right to them, perhaps you in this case, is not being felt by the other. There isn't anything you can do to help him feel that by forcing yourself into his life even as just a friend for now to keep reminding him of what he's missing.

Every successful relationship needs for the couple to be each others best friend and needs to have chemistry--that romantic spark felt and sexual compatibility felt for both partners.
If one or both of these...two important foundations to a relationship is missing, then it won't work for long and trying to revive a dead horse or drag it along on the ground behind you to make it seem you're both still together will not work for long because there is no future. Both need to really be in love with the other and both putting in 100% effort to make it work.

It is our very own uniqueness that may be wrong for one person and right for another. Trying to change yourself to make another love you wont work...I tried after a year of marriage doing that and somehow made it work for 30 miserable abusive years where he was always angry and upset with me. Why? Cus on a subconscious level he knew I wasn't the right one and pretending to be someone I wasn't made him lose respect for me and caused bitterness that he didn't have what he really wanted...neither of us had any passion or romantic feelings for each other, no matter what counseling, books or other things we tried. Chemistry is a pheremone connection. If that isn't a compatible connection, you can't change your pheremones any more than you can change your skeletal structure.

I can't tell you to talk to the guy or not. But right now as it stands, if he broke up and is your ex boyfriend, thats a sign he already decided to move on as far as a romantic couple. Whether he still wants to see you as a friend, I don't know. Forcing yourself into his life by contacting him too often as "a friend" isn't going to do you or him any favors. For you, its constantly beating yourself up and reminding yourself of what you can't have. For him, it likely will cramp his style if he meets another girl and his ex keeps calling or showing up to ruin things for him and the new lady.

Without changing who you are, you want to find a man who has some of those nice qualities you like in the ex, but with whom there is that compatibility with friendship with. Let me explain a little more clearly what the ideal person you are looking for is.
Think of a girlfriend you have or have had. She loved you as a friend and that love was shown in how she treated you. You weren't afraid to let her see you on the days you were sad, angry, upset. She's see you at your best and at your worst and cared about making you na'rfeel better. She knew all the things that were special to you, favorite foods, hobbies, beliefs. You both could share your deepest feelings. Any goals or desires of yours, she would encourage you in, be supportive, she did special little things like remember your birthday, buy a little gift to add to your collections of whatever, in essence, she knew you inside and out and still cared about you, accepted you as you are unconditionally.The only thing that wasnt there was a romantic/sexual love unless you are bisexual.
The point I want to make is...thats exactly what to do for in a guy. That best girlfriend qualities. You were never close friends with every girl in school, right? For one thing, you don't have enough time to devote to each friendship and you'd be spreading yourself too thin. Plus you were not attracted to some girls as friends, you just didn't click cus your personalities were so different. Apply the same logic with guys and you can't go wrong. If you wanted to be friends with a certain girl but she didn't like you, it didn't work out too well, did it? You could keep showing up and following her around like a lost puppy dog hoping she'd change her mind but if she really didn't like you for a friend, at some point she probably told you to get lost.
Only difference with guys is the sexual attraction/romantic feelings added in. Just as you can't force someone to be friends if the personalities don't match, you can't force a passionate relationship if the pheremones don't match.
With all that info, do you still think he is the right guy and for some insane reason he is ignoring the fact that you and he are both the best friend to each other that you've ever had and ignoring the fact that the two of you both have great desire and perfect passion for each other. Do you really think if a guy felt those two thing from you and desired to be those two things to you, the best friend ever and best lover ever, that he would break up with you or need distance at the very least?
Nope, to think so is just lieing to yourself dear.

Does back hole fucking cause pregnancy

The short answer is No.

However it might be good to read on. There is no internal connection from the anal passage to a girls vagina so ejaculating inside her anal cavity cannot result in pregnancy. But.....
any sperm that got near her vagina, any precum on her outskin that was placed there by being on your hands, tip of penis in the precum and whatever may have leaked that short distance from the back hole to the vagina in a short time period, can result in pregnancy, if she is not on birth control and is fertile at the time. Best way to know if someone is pregnant is to take a pregnancy test.

Hi I'm 23 and in a happy relationship with a solider I am on the microgen pill I stoped for my break on the 6/12/13 and my period started like always on the 8/12/13 it seemed normal at first but on the 9/12/13 it got lighter and more pinkish and by the 10/12/13 it had totally stoped I remain of the pill and on the 19/12/13 I had uprotecded sex then on the 20/12/13 I found I was weeing more than usal and wen I wiped on the odd acsion I saw very very light pinkish marks on the paper but agen nothing today what can this be many thanks x

Even if you miss one day on the pill, the experts advise you use extra protection of a condom to assure not getting pregnant. So if I understand right the 6th of Dec. was the first day off the pill for a week of rest. That would mean Dec 12th was the last day of that week off so on the 13th you should have been back on the pill.
However you state you remained off the pill. Why? Why stop taking? Did the doctors explain to you how it works? Any inconsistancy in taking it greatens your chance for becoming pregnant.
You are still in the time period where you can take Plan B, the morning after pill or whatever it is called where you live. Go see the pharmacist tomorrow and follow the instructions on the package. If you delay another day or so, you won't have any chance of killing any live sperm that remain and if you are fertile at the time you will become pregnant. So don't overlook getting the emergency contraception.
May I make a suggestion for the future, If you don't like taking the pill, why not use the copper IUD instead, there are no hormones in it to mess with your system and it lasts for 10 years during which you get normal periods but will not get pregnant. I used one before i had kids, so easy and hassle free.

this boy who ive been flirting with for so long asked me on a date, i didn't want to but he insisted so i agreed but i brought my friend with me. he got upset and never contacted me since then. but weve been talking for years and were million miles apart. we dont live in the same country. when he started to ignore me i didnt care but now that ive read all our old conversations i realize that i love him. what should i do?

I am confused. First you flirt with him to get his attention and then didn't want to go on a date and at the end y.ou say you love him. Also, how could he ask you to go on a date if you both live in different countries. If somebody moved, you didnt say. Or to travel to another country just to go out on one date seems a bit extreme to me, but to each their own.
He could be thinking you were sending him mixed messages and be upset thinking you were just playing a game and leading him on.
If this took place where you live and he made a move here thinking there was a good chance of a future with you, he could be upset about that too. You really need to provide more info so I know if you asked if your friend could come along. Was it a date in a public place where you would be fairly safe for a first time meeting?

What you do is entirely up to you really. You need to go with your gut feeling. One thing I will say is that using the computer as a tool to find someone and first get to talking and liking each other so far is a good thing. But the computer is not real life, it is an illusion. So it is important when meeting someone on line to take it to the real world as soon as possible, the sooner the better like in a couple weeks if you are chatting daily. What a person presents themselves as over the internet, or what you dream up and imagine to fill in the spaces, will never be exactly the same thing when he stands before you. I always called the shots and told the guy which busy coffee shop we would be meeting at. If I liked him enough there, another date in public like at a restaurant before meeting alone at each others place. I am a pretty good judge of character hon, but even I was fooled by several guys that seemed promised on the net and then on the phone, but once we met, I was either shocked, disappointed, or he was totally different than what i got from the internet. There were some nasty guys too that I was glad to have met at a public place. Your subconscious mind is where all your emotions and feeling lie. So it is likely attached to the dream of what you think him to be by his words when youely up to you really. You need to go with you read the conversations. What your conscious mind might want and desire is quite different which i gather is the case as you didn't want to go out with him once asked. How could he insist to a point that you relented? If you still didnt want to, then why? If he can so easily convince you or manipulate you to do something you don't want to do, that is also a warning sign. He may not be all sweet and roses and you may need to develop a backbone cus the women without one are taken advantage of.

Me and my boyfriend just got together today, and we met on Facebook. We barely know each other, well some what, but anyways, he told me "I love you" and it hasn't been a day yet, so what do I do?

You will have to follow your gut instinct. If your inner voice is saying to bolt and run, do so. If you have enough interest in him to stay longer and discover more about him first before deciding if he's a keeper or not, then you need to study him closely and look for any warning signs that you should dump him.

I have read many articles about warning signs if a guy says 'I love you' too early and of all the points have i found, none were in one article and a few points were missing.
So I will list what i can remember.

A guy may say I love you when in fact its the wrong word to use, he is trying to say he is very attracted to you and likes you a lot. I am a very articulate person with great intelligence and good communication skills. If I heard this, it would at least tell me the guy speaks before he thinks, that he is led more by his emotions than by wisdom, knowledge, experience, intuition. It could be okay but there are negative emotions too like anger. If he's so quick to love, he may be quick to anger too and not have a good understanding or control of his emotions.

A guy could simply be saying I love you because thats what he for some odd reason thinks thats what a girl wants to hear. He is someone who likely is very naive, inexperienced in the world, and has definitely not taken time to study the do's and don't of dating and relationships. This would mean the words he spoke, he doesnt necessarily mean. This could go several ways. Perhaps he is trying to compensate for what he feels he lacks in personality, his self image or his self esteem may be an issue so he hopes to impress you and reel you in with these words early on.

A guy could say I love you to get into your pants. This comes out in mind games and usually they prey on girls they think may have low self esteem (whether its true or not) and therefore tend to need a guy to feel good about themselves. If you love me, you'll have sex with me, is a common phrase used by guys who are basically "users". While it is important to have a chemistry, that sexual spark, the guy who just wants sex isn't going to spend anything time wanting to know the you inside, personality, hopes dreams, fears, goals, beliefs, etc. because he isn't looking for his best friend with whom he can have a loving and fulfilling relationship with. A guy like this, will be looking to gratify himself, not thinking about you.

A guy might use the phrase "I love you" early on to see if they can easily manipulate and control you. If the female feels compelled to say the same thing back just because it feels awkward not to say it or something like it, then he has just successfully manipulated her into doing something using her emotions and feelings. Watch for any other manipulative, controlling behavior from the guy.

A guy can say I love you early if he is a needy sort and is looking for any girl who will take him on in a relationship and be his mommy, maid, and free sex if no one else is available. This type has never learned to grow up and shoulder adult responsibilities and wants to be taken care of all his life. It can be obvious like the female bringing home the paycheck while he sits at home, or it can be more subtle.

If you see evidence of any of the above behaviors from him, he is not the kind of guy to be in a relationship with.

this is again to Dragonflymagic you told me she was my age so um which is it 24 or 25 just curious if you get this in your advice colum respond to it quick .

24. Theyre all approx 3 yrs apart 21, 24 and 27 and all have boyfriends.

im asking this to Dragonflymagic im a 24 year old male who used to be a teenager and i understand that they have immaturity in them maybe not all of them but most of them for example they talk about stupid things watch crude programs such as Skins Family Guy and Archer they listen to stupid music like Soulja Boy Justin Bieber Lil Wayne Paramore Miley Cyrus and Kanye West they read overrated books like Twilight and Mortal Instruments they also like crude movies like Warm Bodies 21 and Over and Springbreakers also like to throw eggs at peoples house and obsess about disturbing things and they want to drink and smoke to be cool so do you have any wishes at all to be one again becuase i however do not but right now im stuck in my 20s close to my mid 20s in the next few years i will be in my late 20s becuase most people that age dont act the same way teens do if you could do it would you .

Before I answer your question, I would like to point out a scientific fact that while our bodies become fully mature somewhere along in our teens, our brains do not. the frontal lobe responsible for making good decisions or even perhaps having good taste in things worthy of our time and attention, that part does not fully mature until our mid twenties so 24, 25, 26. However as you have probably noticed not all peoples bodies matures at the same rate. Some guys started shaving long before others and some girls had chests in grade school while others didn't til later. Same thing with the brain maturity.

And now I answer your question, yes I would go back to my teen years if I had too for I was one whose brain had developed and matured a bit faster and I was one who made more responsible adult like decisions. However I would skip the first marriage. I married young at 20 and stuck with him 30 years and it was a big mistake. Mainly he hid his real self and fooled all of us including my family. He was verbally abusive but we were church goers and christian and divorce was frowned upon so I stuck with it. So there are things still to be learned later in life too.

Be happy with where you are at. Find people who have things in common with you. A good thing to try is Meetup.com Its a website where you can put in your city and then look up topics of interest and see if there are groups of people interested in the same thing who meet weekly. Once you join a group which is free, you can also post and have on line discussions. I have used it. My daughters have used it. Middle daughter your age uses it alot. She has made friends with many who have the same interests as her like yoga, natural health, meditation, new age stuff. And the daughters have met their guys either through work or these social groups.
Well, happy Holidays to you.

Me and this guy started the same time in the company that we're working for. We go on the same floor but he's on another depertment, more on the far end of the floor. We became instant friends since he's my seat buddy on our orientation.

We have settled on each of our units, and have our own set of friends, but we regularly have lunch and dinner together. Even go home together. We even always talk and flirt over our communicator system.

We have never really defined our relationship. But I really like him, cause he's really funny, sweet, and nice to me.

I have this friend of mine, who also belongs to the same unit as I am, who also have a secret crush on him.

I know that I shouldn't have any issue about it, and there isn't any issue about me and my friend yet, but it really pissed me off. I also discovered that they're chatting as well on the communicator.

I really felt jealous, like my head is going to explode, and my fingers is getting numb, and like my breathing goes heavy.

They've been chatting regularly and it's just breaking me apart.

I tried to ask him if he's alrady seeing someone, or flirting with someone. For which he all denies. I cannot ask him about her, and I can't ask her about him, because I know it's not my place.

We still talk regularly, have lunch and dinner, and go home together. Nothing actually changes, though maybe there is, me.

I don't know what to do, on how to deal with all of this? On how can I remain at least friends with both of them.. I want to trust him that nothing's going on. But I can't demand any assurance from him. And I can't really stop him from seeing someone. How can I do this and carry on?

HI hon. I wanna refer to the feeling of jealousy cus many people see it as a negative thing to be avoided. All it is, is like one of the warning lights on a cars dashboard advising you of something that needs to be taken care of (gas running low, a door not completely latched, etc)
So it is an indicator to check out something. In this case I think you already may have a clue.

Paraphrased in short from Wikepedia:
Jealousy is negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.

So you probably already fear that you may be losing your chance with him and your title: he's never mine to begin with indicates how unsecure this situation is. Well the only way to handle fear is to face it. And that means taking the advice of the previous advice giver, in talking to him. All the time he spends with you is a pretty sure thing that he is very interested in just you. The fact that he is a friendly, outgoing person means that he will be his normal self and talk casually to any people male and female he comes into contact with, and with co workers a work friendship. Men can have friendships with females where it ends there at just friendship and have an involved relationship with one woman who lights his world. A good key to think of is the amount of time he spends with any one female on his own time. Looks like thats you so far with his lunches and dinners and travel home time. If he answers that he is interested, then your relationship becomes one of committment to date only each other. At that point if you have any issues, write us again and we'll see if we can help.

Okay, so all of a sudden this week, my friend stopped talking to me. I texted him yesterday and he said that he was just feeling sad. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. He didn't feel like talking about it and I respected that. I was cool with it all until I texted him and he told me to **** off and to stop texting him. I can't help feel that I did something wrong, but he's like my best friend and i don't know what I could've done to make him mad. I feel like I did something wrong, at least that's how he's treating it. Though, I don't remember doing anything that could've upset him. I'm really worried about him and I don't know what to do. I stopped texting him but I'm so confused and worried. :/

Was the 2nd text the same day? He might not have had time to process and get over what was bothering him. Either way that response from him sounds kind of extreme. Not sure if you're school age or older. Do you see him at school or work? How is he acting there? Could there be a possibility that he is depressed or even suicidal? Has he been the moody sort before?
The problem with relying heavily on texting for only communication means we don't get to hear tone of voice or see body language which can relay a lot of information than just the words. You may be reading more into this than there is.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>