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My mom says she doesn't want to be a mother anymore.
I was wondering what I could possibly do to make my mom like me again. It seems like after the "child" stage, she stops liking her children. My mother isn't horrible. I don't think of her as the devil or anything but she is very very mean sometimes. Ever since I was about 12 she started talking about me. Not like a mother should talk about a daughter either. She used to make fun of my weight (I had thyroid problems we found out..) She would say that I would turn out like my aunt (she's overweight but not like she needs to be in a hospital sort of way) or that I would be 500 pounds by the time i'm 16. I'm currently 17 right now and my weight still isn't the best but I do try. She's stopped saying all that kind of stuff now. Occasionally, she'll say I need to watch what i'm eating but that's it. My father and mother actually separated last year so it's been extremely tough. She used to fight with my dad but now it seems that i'm her new target. Everything I do is wrong apparently. I'm fine in school, I don't drink/smoke and i'm ALWAYS home (which is a problem to her..?) I always get around to what she wants me to do and i'm literally always there for her. She's recently got a new boyfriend who's an "inspiring artist". He has no job other than painting here and there and he's super super shady (no pda other than inside, no facebook postings, no nothing). He doesn't try to talk to me at all because apparently i'm intimidating to him. I mean if you're dating a mother you should at least try? He's not the problem but he is a huge distraction to her. Ever since he came "back" into her life, my mom seems to want nothing to do with us. She rides with him on his motorcycle literally HOURS away from where we live, doesn't come home until late and always ALWAYS says that she "doesn't want to be a mother anymore" and "go ask your father if you can live with him because i'm done." I mean what could we have possibly done to make her hate us this much? (I have two brothers too.) I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I've been her punching bag for long enough and I would try and give her the world if I could but I just can't. I don't know how to. I'm just a high school student that doesn't even know where she wants to go anymore. I feel like my hope is completely drained and I can't help but feel lost and sad all the time now. Another problem is that I don't have a job. It's not that I don't want one, it's just that I live maybe 20+ minutes walking time away. I wouldn't mind it but I have terrible OCD when walking highways because i've almost been kidnapped about seven times now. It seems like the world just wants me to give up. Every time I feel like i'm a few steps ahead something just comes in and brings me back to the beginning. I don't want to go back to how I used to be but I feel like that's where i'm headed again. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would really help.
(Therapy is a NO; i've already been through 3 therapists. Court therapy is also a NO; I've already done that and gotten in trouble for it. My mother does not want to go out of her way to fix this/talking to her is like talking to the wall, I must have cried to her a million times by now/living with my dad is a NO too)
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There's no easy answer, just because you are a parent doesn't mean you are automatically mature and without any problems or issues. So since I don't know your parents backgrounds, i have little clue of what is causing her to act this way. But it certainly is nothing that you or your siblings have done or just because of who you are.
Let me explain: In life, each person has a choice of how they will respond or react to any thing in their world. The response is an internal thing. The world around us, can't MAKE us be a certain way, such as mean vs kind, bitter vs forgiving, joyful vs sad, etc... we choose how we respond...the external things, outside of our bodies, hearts, minds, whether family members, friends, strangers, job, etc... those things are only the triggers that take a person through a process where they make a choice how to react or respond. Reaction comes from a soul level, not much thought is given to it, the basest negative emotions are allowed free reign to do as they wish. A response is where a person takes the time to carefully think over the situation, and what they do is usually take an action that does not harm any other or themselves, it is positive, usually a win-win attitude, with positive emotions and feelings coming to the forefront, patience, forgiving, understanding, kindness, compassion, love, etc...
I don't know the details of why you can't go to your dads. He is the other parent. In the divorce, kids go with the parent best able to care for them. Mom is neglecting you kids. If none of you are legal age of 18 yet, then those who aren't will be of concern to CPS, child protective services. My advice is to talk to a school counselor and ask what can be done if mom has abandoned or neglected you and dad for whatever legel reasons cant take you...like being on drugs, abusive. You can't be left on your own to fend with her dropping by every once in a while. Or you call CPS yourself and ask them what can be done. Perhaps there is a grandmother or aunt you could live with but the courts would have to give them the legal guardianship if mom was giving it up. She'd have to go to court for that too I am sure. Lastly, what your mom did, in how she spoke to you, belittling, critisizing, talking negative, no kind words...that is verbal abuse. So my guess is that mom just may have some medical or mental issues that contribute to her being like this. For all I know, her behavior may have been what caused the divorce. You mention therapy that occured for yourself. You did not mention if there was family therapy or if your mom ever went for therapy and therein may lie the problem. Someone believed what they were fed, by mom and thought you needed the counseling when she is the one who is in dire need of it. That is a self defensive posture people with mental problems take in order to take any possible focus off themselves, they point at someone else and try to convince others that the other is the one with problems. I should know, I had a verbally abusive ex and he told our church counselor that I had terrible problems and needed to come in for counseling. The counselor never approached me because they could see by my behavior that I had no problems. You do have to talk to someone. You need local help, not advice from on line. Are there any other adults you feel close to that you could ask for help? This is too much responsibility for a teen to carry on their shoulders to find a solution...you should not have to. So try the school counselor, a friends mom, an aunt or grandmother, maybe a church pastor...but you need to reach out to someone. Dont let the fear that they will think you are the problem hold you back because no matter what you may have done, there is no good excuse for how your mom is acting.
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Hi there. You're at an age where parental relationships are notoriously 'difficult' anyway. Even the most previously harmonious relationships will tend to break-down. Perhaps not so much breakdown as change, and they must of course change. You are no longer a child, not a little girl any more. Having said that, your relationship sounds as though it's going through a particulalrly rough and upsetting phase. Upsetting for both of you, we'll come back to that? Meanwhile, it doesn't sound as if you are really putting a foot wrong. You're not rebelling in the more common ways, such as substance abuse, prolonged absences from home, poor academic career etc. I think you're going to have to acknowledge the fact that the relationship breakdown between your mother and father is the key issue here. No doubt it hurt you in many ways. But how much do you think it hurt her? So she's got a new boyfriend...so she must be over him and OK, right? Wrong! There will be many, many unresolved issues in her mind. Regrets and remorse, searching for blame, feelings of guilt, rejection. The list is endless and we cannot simply 'start a clean sheet' as it were, and remove those years from our minds and memories. It sounds to me like her particular reaction is very much one of a kickback. Drawn to a rather avant garde, 'free and easy' (though in reality few of us are really free) partner. (ps I hope not doing Facebook doesn't make you shady, or I'm shady!!). Maybe the very opposite in character to your father? And perhaps being a 'mother' with all it's entailments doesn't quite 'fit in' with her new, re-invented self? Hence the rejection of family, establishment... basically 'ties' in a word. She will I'm afraid, tend to turn on you to some extent, find fault in everything you do or attempt to do. Partly, you're there and we tend to kick the person closest when there's nobody else to kick. And partly, she (perhaps not conciously, which makes it even harder to address) may well see you as the 'focus' of her own problems? We're looking at some pretty complex relationship dynamics here, are you staying with me? There's maybe a tendency to think 'Yeah..right...psycho-babble' at 17 and move on to another reply? But I really do feel that, in effect the problem is basically HERS here and not yours at all. There's no alternative living arrangement that's workable. And maybe, wouldn't that be a bit of a cop-out, running away from it? From the way you write you are analytic, reasonable and I think of higher than average intelligence? You sound rational and mature. You acknowledge that you're past the 'child-stage'. So it might be time to really make the effort to move your relationship up a phase. Perhaps, forcing it a bit, rather than simply 'letting it happen naturally'. It's not going to all just drop in your lap straight away. You share, at the core, the same hurt. So empathy and understanding should be a good basis to start from. I do hope that her new relationship is one that will ultimately bring them both, and you a lot of happiness. I wasn't suggesting HE is just a part of her reaction. Thought I should clear that one up. First thing to overcome is the 'stone-walling', don't let a hint of condemnation or any 'selfish' vibes show. Even if you feel they are quite justifiable, that's not the way to build empathy. Hope I might have lent you a few ideas, maybe a bit of insight? YOU are in fact going to have to be the therapist and psychologist. Are you up for the challenge? You'll probably learn a lot about yourself in the process. Bit of a long answer. Hope again it might have shed a little light?
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I think you should talk to you're mother about how you as her daughter feel and she might not listen but that's OK. I have been through the stage where me and my mom didn't get along and at the time I didn't think of it as a stage I thought of it as it was going to last forever but i't didn't and we are super close now. I honestly think of it as a teenage thing especially with girls. We go through so many struggles as girls and young woman we sometimes forget about the people that matter. If this doesn't help do you have any other family members you can live with I mean you are 17 so if you chose college it isn't far away so you wouldn't have to live with them for a long time. If you have any other questions just message me :)
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