I love giving advice. Some of my advice has saved relationships, began new ones, and helped friendships. I'm willing to try and answer any question I can, using my own experiences and knowledge, as well as articles I read. Ask me anything! I earned my bachelors in Psychology in 2016. Feel free to ask me things! -Heather
Gender: Female
Location: Illinois, USA
Age: 25
Member Since: November 11, 2009
Answers: 70
Last Update: April 30, 2020
Visitors: 7813
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so im not exactly the most confident person ever but there is this guy in my D&D group who i wanna be friends with but idk how to approach him without it being weird cause all we ever talk about is D&D and i wanna get to know him better cause hes a really cool guy but im not sure how to and im a little shy when it comes to making new friends especially when i already know the person a bit but idk how to go up to them and to make matters worse hes my boyfriend and girlfriends (yes i am in a polyamorous relationship and yes all three of us are dating each other) friend and they all go to the same school so its hard for me since they have a better connection than i do so it makes me even more anxious about it. any advice would really help...... (link)
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Hi there! It's okay to be anxious about something like this. One thing that may help is breaking down the situation. "Why do I feel anxious?" is a broad start. You may be anxious of rejection, that the person will think you're weird if you start talking to him. If I was in that situation, I would think of the absolute worst thing that could happen, (which would probably be him saying "ugh, you're weird...why are you talking to me?"). Yes, the rejection may hurt, but ultimately it doesn't reflect on you as a person and there are so many other people that adore you! Best case scenario, you end up becoming good friends and laughing that you were ever nervous in the first place :)
I think you should go for it. Start talking about D&D, and then switch the topic to something objectively funny or see if he switches the topic!
Please let me know what you think and what you end up doing :)
-Holly
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So basically. I just found out my father has malignant melanoma. It's a skin cancer. I have a sister and she tends to get EXTREMELY nervous for these kind of situation so I understand her feelings. She proceeds to text me today telling me she felt like crap about the situation and to top it off she was mad at me for calling her ungrateful to her child's father. They have been broken up for some time but she still seems to be attached and gets jealous every time he seems to try to move on. I have told her over and over that she is an ungrateful bitch because she truly is. The point is, she only knew about it because she went through my phone while I was sleeping. I honestly get where she is coming from but I feel like she was wrong for going through my phone. (link)
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Hi there!
To start off, I agree with you that it was wrong of her to go through your phone. Our phones are an extension of us, and no matter what is on them, it is an invasion of privacy. Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with her where you don't call each other names and just try to find out where each other is coming from? I am an only child, so sibling relationships are slightly foreign to me, but I think it might help you both to get things off your chest and become closer as your father fights the cancer.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this so I can formulate an even better response :)
Thank you!
Holly
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Thank you for reading my question.
I am just confused and will like some help on gender identity. Here we go….
I have been assigned the gender of a girl, but I don't always feel that way. Before you start to think "Transgender?", let me get to a point.
For example, one day I feel feminine. I look in the mirror and I absolutely love my body. But the next day I look in the mirror and I hate it so much. (Wait, I'm not done yet.) Then the day after that, I look in the mirror and I don't really care. As in, I don't feel feminine or even masculine. That was just an example. Each feeling could last a few days at the most.
Sometimes, and this just makes it more confusing, I want to wear makeup while wearing a tomboy outfit. Or even the other way around. I want to wear a dress, but no makeup.
This might seem like normal, but I am just very confused on my gender. I think I have one, but sometimes I feel like I don't. But I know that I'm not agender. Please help me.
Thank you so very much. (link)
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Hi There! Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I didn't have access to my account for awhile and finally got back to it!
In case you still need advice: this can be pretty normal. It depends on how deeply you feel. (Let me explain).
Growing up and even into adulthood, I have gone through phases where I want to dress as a 1950s housewife and phases where I want to be a goth androgynous being, but I've always known that I am intrinsically "woman".
Yours seems different in the fact you aren't willing to completely marry yourself to a gender of "man" vs "woman". In a way, you could be gender fluid, which I find very cool.
Not to be personal, but do you find yourself more attracted to men or women? Either way, do you see yourself as more of the masculine presence or feminine presence in the relationship?
I look forward to hearing from you!
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I am a 30 year old female and I live at home my mom and stepdad . I live at home because I have some disabilities. I just dentures and the place I went to did not do them right. My stepdad has took me 3 times already and refuses to take me again. The dentures are to big for mouthy. I can't even wear them . I don't drive due to anxiety. He yelled at me when I asked me to take me again. My mom can't take me due to an illness where she uses a wheelchair. I don't know where to turn. I even suggedted going on the medical van by myself because they take you to all appointments for free if you have Medicare but my mom said no to that. Is there anything else I can do to get these things fixed. I have been going around with no teeth. (link)
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I'm sorry this was from so long ago! I didn't have access to my account :(
But in case you need advice on this still, I thought about maybe if you call a Walgreens pharmacist or even a dental office they could tell you how to at home or even ways to pay for it!
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So I know this girl and we both went to highschool together. I've always admired her and I wanted to be friends with her but I was always so shy and when she did talk to me I'd come off stand off ish because I felt self-conscious of myself. Over the years after high school I kept bumping into her at random public places but we never said hi or anything because I guess we were never that close. Anyways this year, my bf got into dentistry and surprisingly the girl also got into dental hygiene at the same school as my bf. So occasionally I would see her at events and stuff and the other night I was so drunk that I came up to her and hugged her .... Ive been feeling so embarrassed ever since and I can't help shake off the feeling that I came across weird. Unconsciously I feel like I'm trying to find ways to be her friend but I feel like I'm coming across weird and obsessed. It's like fate keeps bringing me and her together..is this weird? I feel self conscious. How can I stop feeling this obession of wanting to be her friend? (link)
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I know this was a year ago since I didn't have access to my account but I wanted to answer:
No, not weird at all! I wouldn't be weirded out by that and would welcome a new friend. There's no harm in wanting to get to know someone and feel a connection. I met one of my best friends by accidentally talking out loud about football players' asses and she overheard me and laughed! You just never know how something will blossom. Feel free to respond if you'd like :)
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Should i break up my 7 year marriage?
My husband is a gambler and we are aleays broke
I recently met a man who is a widower and livling
with his sister i like him but I think it is too soon for him to move in,
Please help
I am 53 Gentlemen in question are 63
Thank you (link)
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I know this has been a year, but in case you haven't made a decision I would like to offer advice. Ending a marriage isn't a decision to be made in a split second, as I'm sure you know and have been told. Just know that whatever decision you make, you are doing what you believe is right for you. If you are unhappy and his actions are hurting you, you have grounds to leave. But be aware that with a new person, you may not be able to give yourself fully in love because you need time to grieve the former relationship (even if you are done with it). Please feel free to respond :)
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"Grace in times of misunderstanding. Charge stuff to people’s minds and not their heart sometimes. Love over everything. Don’t let another persons actions make you become someone you aren’t." (link)
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In my mind, they are saying to assume that people's minds (possibly depression, anxiety or some other affliction of the brain) may cause them to act a certain way or prevent them from showing how they really feel. The quote is asking for patience and kindness instead of being irrational about the way someone behaves, especially if it is a bad behavior. On the same note, it's telling you to not let the way someone else treats you or how they act to influence your own personality negatively.
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well i been heartbroken over this guy named josiah for 4-5 years, we were close and almost dated. he led me on and used me til didnt need me anymore, and is my first love, kiss who lost virginity to etc. we ent from talking alot flirting etc to all sudden it stopped. idk why still, and foundout from someone that is married now. i tried sending a friend request on facebook, playing it off as dont have these feelings still, but denied request but didnt block. want talk to him so badly, as did have a miscarriage of his child and never griefed properly as kept it from my family cause they lecture me about having feelings for him tho thats not something i can help , tried everything i could think of to move on, and now in a relationship with lance, who treats me like queen do care for just not as much as do josiah. he knows had thing for him in past, as told him how he hurted me badly emotionally dont think it was intentional tho cuase he's best guy i ever knew before lance. what should i do? and want make my current relationship work though im just settling for lance since cannot have josiah like we were... (link)
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It's hard to move on. It seems like you didn't get much closure from Josiah, and were not allowed to grieve the end of your relationship and properly process the fact that he had moved on. I'm sure your man now is wonderful and will continue to prove that he wants to be with you. I had a situation similar to that with a guy named Austin, but I've long since forgotten about him (which I thought could NEVER happen) and found happiness with my now-fiancé. I think you're best trying to invest in your current relationship and to find closure within yourself instead of waiting for Josiah to give it to you. Best of luck!!
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Hello, this is kind of an awkward question. So me and my friend are in the 9th grade and we were doing homework in my room and she fell asleep on the bed. But her feet were sticking out, so her feet were on top of the desk and they happened to be right on my notebook. I didn't want to wake her up so I just kept working with her feet in my face lol, but her toes kept wiggling a lot so I got distracted and started playing around with them.
for example I pushed her toes a few times and they would start wiggling by themselves. Then I would hold her toes still to make them stop wiggling. so I did this whenever I wanted her toes to start wiggling lol. Then I turned on the radio to see what happens, and when I pushed her toes they start wiggling to the beat of the song. I thought it was really cute, so I made them follow my voice instructions too, for example I whispered "wiggle faster" while her toes were wiggling, and suddenly they started wiggling faster. and when I whispered "point your toes", she makes the tippy-toes like a ballet dancer. I think she was dreaming about dancing coz we both like to dance :P
Is it a normal thing for me to think her feet are cute, and to play with them this way? I haven't told her about this yet, coz I think it might sound awkward telling her that I kept her toes wiggling like nonstop while she was asleep. Thanx (link)
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First, normal is relative! I think you saw something humorous and decided to have fun with it. There are people out there who enjoy feet, and people who get paid to let people mess with their feet because it's a pretty widespread (sometimes even sexual) interest. I think what you did is innocent and funny, and not super weird at all. I mean her feet were on your desk, so it's not like you went over to her in bed and messed with them. If you do tell her, present it in a funny way as well. Like "So your feet were in my way on my desk, and you kept doing weird things with them in your sleep." She'll probably ask you what, and then you can explain! 😄
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I'm in the process of wanting to commit suicide as I want to be with my son, I haven't got anyone at all, my partner ignores me blames me for what our son did, he wrote me a letter blameing me and how much he hates me and he wished I was dead instead, I'm having nightmares and dreaming of being with my son so so much, iv tryd to get help and I cant get any at all, I'm on medications and it makes me feel even worse, I sit up each and every night now as iv planned my suicide to the end, as I vet left at him on my own quite alot and i know I wouldn't be found till.i am dead, I need help and I cant get it so what's the point, I wouldn't be missed at all as I'm always on my own anyway, I tryd it last year and it felt so good as it took the pain away what I was feeling, cant believe I am still here, please help me or vive me son advice to help me please, next time I'm going to go somewhere very spe ial so I has to be right I do t want to wake.yp I'm done and fed up, iv found homes for my pets tht iv raised and they don't need me now, thank you for reading (link)
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Hi! I apologize for answering late because my Advicinators emails keep going to the junk folder :(
First of all, please do not commit suicide. As amazing as it seems to have a way out, it isn't the answer. 3 years ago I almost did it, and I'm glad I didn't. I have a good life now that I wouldn't have had if I was dead.
Secondly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you're going through, and I realize how strong the need is to want to be with him. My advice is to live one day at a time, take a lot of time for self-care, and focus on what you're able to do. Realize that you are grieving and coping the way you know how, but that suicide is not going to help or make things better.
Your partner was wrong to tell you those things, because they aren't true. No one can truly be a direct cause for someone committing suicide, unless they told someone to kill themselves or aided in the process. People are unpredictable, and when someone goes through with it, it's extremely difficult to stop it.
I truly hope things get better for you, and please feel free to message me any time.
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In the past number of months, I have had a couple...I don't know what to call them...I think they might be panic attacks or anxiety attacks or something?
I have what my therapist calls a "mild mood disorder", I'm not sure if people are familiar with the term, but basically it's like depression but less severe.
Anyways, there have been a couple times where I have been in situations that normally would make me slightly uncomfortable/upset (ex. packing to go to university, working on a group project where the group members didn't agree on things) which I reacted to in ways which scared me. It starts with feeling uncomfortable, then I want to cry. My throat tightens up, I start breathing really shallowly. I feel trapped, and I can't think rationally enough to figure out what I need to feel better. Sometimes I start feeling sick or lightheaded.
I don't what these are. I haven't told my therapist about them, I probably should, but it just hasn't come up.
Anyone know what is happening to me? What can I do to prevent/stop these? (link)
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That is most definitely sounding like anxiety. I have a psychology degree and can't exactly diagnose over the internet, but what you're dealing with sounds like the definition of an anxiety or panic disorder. Both the physical and mental symptoms can be terrifying, but I was so glad to read that you have a therapist. He/She might mention medication to manage your symptoms, but you always have a choice. Please do tell your therapist about your symptoms though, so then you can plan a course of action and talk about it. Best of luck and hope something helps! Update me if you feel like it soon.
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Lastnight my boyfriend called me a bitch and said he was kidding and didnt mean it. I told him it hurt my feelings and he said sorry. But i just cant get over it. (link)
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If it was one time, it might be a thing to let slide...but if he says it more often, especially in anger, it could slowly morph into emotional abuse. My guy has never once called me a bitch, even when I've deserved it. If you guys do that playfully, it's a bit different. At least he knows it bothered you and if he truly cares, he won't do it again intentionally.
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16/south africa
At school ive always been known as the "nice girl" and the teachers think im a really sweet person - which i am. Now my class has been having problems because we're in a small school with only 13 in a class. We got in a huge fight. Theres one girl, lets call her bella. Weve never liked each other but we do get along sometimes. She asked me what i thought of this other girls profile picture and i said shes changed alot - she went from quiet and shy to confident and showing her body. Now i was absent from school and bella told my favourite teacher i called this girl a slut and how two faced i am. And the teacher was shocked that i would say something like that. Then today in when theybwere in that class and i wasnt they told her that ive been fingered - even though i havent. Now this teachers oponion of me is changing and all the other teachers probably also.
This is bothering me alot because i dont know how to stop this. Its ruining my reputation and i also wana be headgirl at my school - so my reputation cant be ruined. How can i get my teachers to understand that they were lying? We have young teachers so its really close relationships with them. (link)
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What I've found with teachers/professors is that most of them really like honesty. They can tell when a student is lying/skirting the truth, especially if they have been teaching awhile. I would just tell them what you actually said about the profile picture, and tell them that you have no idea where the "fingered" thing came from. Teachers, especially women teachers, know that girls can be pretty vindictive and mean, and yours should believe you. Since you've been known as a nice girl, those girls might be jealous, but teachers should not use this one incident to ruin your image in their eyes. Best of luck, and keep me updated if you want!
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So this is my story, (I tried to condense it at the end if you don’t want to read it all):
I’m kinda friends with this guy from school. (I’m a junior girl, he’s a senior.) He’s nice and friends with a lot of people. My problem is that I’ve kinda been friends with him for a while, and we’ve had our ups and downs, but now we’ve reached a plateau.
Once a week almost every week, I get together with some friends and he’s there too. Those days, I have so much fun with my friends and with him. However, the rest of the week, me and him act like strangers and avoid each other. It’s because of me.
You see, he’s really good friends with people who I hate and who hate me. I’m okay with that, he can be friends with whoever he wants. The thing is, whenever I try to talk to him, one of those people (they’re freshmen girls btw) comes up and sorta steals him away. Like, I’ll be talking to him and then one of them comes up and inserts themself into the conversation and steals his attention away and I curl up into shyness and they both leave and I feel crummy and embarrassed. He’s the kind of person who won’t say no to anyone. If it seems like I don’t want to talk (which I don’t when someone I don’t get along with is there) then he won’t try to talk to me. It sucks when I want to talk to him but he won’t tell the other person to hold on a moment. I’ve gotten so tired of this that I especially avoid him when those people are around.
I’m a pretty shy person and I see him so very little a day and those people are almost always there so we don’t communicate that much because I’m scared.
He knows that I have a problem with those people, but what kinda upsets me is that he doesn’t really care. In the past, multiple times, he’s told me he wants to be friends with me, but he doesn’t put any effort into it. I always start the conversation. He never puts any effort into making sure I’m comfortable.
The only time I can interact with him are those hangout-nights, when it’s just friends. Those times are so special to me because they were like a break from the struggles of life and after a tough week, I knew I had a chance to just have fun.
Recently, I’ve found out that he and a few of the friends from those nights have had their own hangout-nights with the people who I hate/hate me. They can do whatever they want to, I just get jealous that something so important to me is now something who those people can now get in on. It’s like I’ve found an island in the ocean but suddenly sharks grow legs and take over my island.
What I’m upset about is that those people get to see him every day and now also at their own hangout-nights while I only get to see him once a week at my own hangout-nights.
Despite the fact that we’ve been friends for a few years now, despite the fact that he’s always insisted we are friends, I get treated like I’m a once a week special.
I’ve become okay with this.
For a while, I was fine with that.
Now though, I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
Every day, I see him having fun with those people and they must be having fun if they want to have their own hangout-nights.
I want to be his friend, but if he enjoys them more, that’s fine. I don’t want to waste my time or his. I don’t want to make him choose between me or them.
It hurts seeing him always having fun with them and thinking that that could never be me and I know I’m just being jealous and selfish but recognizing that doesn’t make it hurt less.
My question is, should I keep up this once-a-week friendship or should I move on?
Should I suffer through the week for a reward of happiness, or should I forget about both?
Both choices will hurt. One hurts a lot but has some joy. One just hurts.
Hopefully, this will all end in May, after he graduates.
Any advice you can give me, whether it’s an answer, an alternate choice, or just things to consider, is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
(link)
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My honest opinion is: it isn't worth it. It's causing you to look at yourself negatively, and it seems like you've tried your best to remain friends and accomodate him even it it's uncomfortable for you. He does not appear to be trying to uphold the friendship with you or consider your feelings, so it might be best to distance yourself. Maybe once he graduates he will grow up and realize who his real friends are and get away from the freshman girls. It's possible that he liked the attention from them and didn't see or care how they made you feel. No matter what you do, just know that it's nothing you did, and that you've tried to be a good friend to him!
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Hey guys!
I need some serious help. This is kind of hard to explain but I will do my best. So there is a guy that I used to like but now has a gf. Lets just call him Smile for now. I do not like him anymore but because of a friend of mine, he still think that I still like him. He knew that I liked him by the way. So this friend of mine keeps asking Smiles for them to hang out but he doesnt want to and he thinks that I am the one telling her to ask him if they can hang out in attempt for me to be in their "hang out", if they do, so that I can get close to him(Smiles). Smile's girlfriend knows me some how and Smiles tells her everything and how he thinks that I am trying to get close to him and that has caused his girlfriend to hate me. I am a person that does not like conflict or drama and I want to let smile know that what ever my friends talks to him about or what she asks him, I dont have anything to do with it. I have told my friend to stop doing whatever that is causing smile to think the way that he thinks but she has refused. This is what I was planning to call and talk to smile about. Since we used to talk, I will call him and ask him how he has been and whatever and then say something like this...." I know that most of the things my friend talks to you about and asks you for makes you think that it has to do with me or I told her to ask you but it is not true. what ever she asks you is coming from her and not me." What else should I say or add? Please help. If this is too confusing please let me know a better way to contact you so that you get more details. (link)
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First, I'm sorry that you deal with that because of a friend. She might be doing it because it is a joke to her, but it's not fair that you've told her it is causing an issue and she continues to do it. It would be hard for you to reach out to Smile and his girlfriend now because of this, but I think what you were planning to say is pretty perfect. You can even make them stop and think by asking them if they have personally seen you exhibiting these actions to prove that it's only your friend stirring up trouble. Please keep me updated!
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Just to say Thanks for your advice about the Secret Admirer card- I updated the question to show the result. (link)
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Thanks! I'll check it out!
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So, when I started my current job a year ago a much younger woman, E., was very friendly toward me- catching my eye, smiling, staying behind.
I had had a terrible experience from getting involved in work before so kept my distance from her. I knew that between the age difference (20y) and simply working in the same office nothing good could happen.
She seemed hurt but found a man from another office and they moved in together.
Eventually we got talking and I really enjoyed her company- she has a Visual Arts degree and we share similar tastes in TV and film, though she prefers Fantasy books and is quite a 'romantic' thinker.
She was the first person outside my team to ask about me after my hospital stay, which was nice, and we have some great chats.
Anyway, This Valentines Day we had an office theme and we're encouraged to send cards etc.
I thought it would be nice to send her a Secret Admirer card- nothing intense, just a 'have a happy day' type card, no hearts, declarations of love etc.
When she got it she seemed really happy which was nice to see. The usual "so embarassing" whilst showing it to every other woman. It felt good.
However a week later she suddenly became very distant from me. Avoiding eye contact, curt replies, no smiles. She even left work with a female friend without saying goodnight, neither of which she has done before. I have no idea how she worked out it was from me.
I have kept out of her way as I hate the idea of making her unhappy or uncomfortable in any way.
I tried to do something nice but it backfired. I get on well with everyone else from canteen staff to managers and even have a female work friend the same age as E. who keeps meeting me for lunch.
I don't want to get a reputation as a 'creeper' at work. Nor do I want E. To feel odd around me as in the circumstances I just thought it would make her feel special and happy.
Any advice?
Read more: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=662306#ixzz4Zw56oIvK (link)
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You can do one of two things: 1.) the direct route would be to bring things up (i.e. I noticed since the Valentine's Day thing that you started acting differently towards me..did I do something to offend you? If so, I apologize) 2.) you could just keep your distance like she is and seem if she comes around.
If you want to know my preference, I would say #1 is the best way. It may be a little uncomfortable at first, but ultimately you'll get an answer either way. I hope this kinda helps, and please keep me updated! I'll continue to rack my brain if these choices don't work for you.
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hi,
I read your advice and thanks so much....he doesn't wear a ring, but seeing that he is a bus driver I don't think id wear mine either...the way he is extra giddy towards me when he sees me...I don't think he is with anyone...and the sighs to me is saying you still don't get it.....im attracted to him, not just his to his teeth...lol. if I was to say anything to him, id rather do it when the bus is empty...but I guess I could take a chance....when I see him again...well, I think ill take your advice and push it a lil bit further and see what happens...thanks so much!!! (link)
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Anytime! Sounds like you've got this. Update me if anything happens :)
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Hey there, thanks for your advice. I felt much better. I was back at school and my friends are very nice and asked if I was ok. None of us brought the party thing up. But I still feel a bit uncomfortable. I really want to know why I wasn't invited but I'm not sure how to ask it without feeling as if I am being really petty. (link)
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If it really bothers you, then it might still be worth asking. I guess you just have to ask yourself if it would make you feel better to know (especially if it's something that isn't as bad as you thought) or not know. If it's a petty reason on their part, it's better to know how they are now instead of finding out later on. Again, please update me on what you end up doing, even if you take someone else's advice. I just want this to be cleared up for you :)
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My relationship with my grandmother is very bad. She is not a good lady. I try to talk to her nicely but she taunts me everytime. She makes fun of people. She does comparisons among her children and she humiliates my mother in front of other people. I am now afraid of her taunts. I want to teach her right things but being younger I can't do that . I want to know how to handle her. She is very selfish also. She always gossips about others with her daughter . (link)
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She definitely sounds like a toxic person. It does suck being younger and trying to change someone who is older and more stuck in their ways. The best thing you can do is let her know that the things she does bother you. She may not even realize how deeply she affects you and others. If she does it on purpose to be mean, there isn't much you can do except to be there for your mom and not validate the things she says. Just understand that it isn't your job to fix her. If it comes down to it, just start to distance yourself from her. Toxic people can hurt you even indirectly. Please follow up with me if you need more guidance!
-Hollywood
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