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Secret Admirer card backfired- any advice?
So, when I started my current job a year ago a much younger woman, E., was very friendly toward me- catching my eye, smiling, staying behind.
I had had a terrible experience from getting involved in work before so kept my distance from her. I knew that between the age difference (20y) and simply working in the same office nothing good could happen.
She seemed hurt but found a man from another office and they moved in together.
Eventually we got talking and I really enjoyed her company- she has a Visual Arts degree and we share similar tastes in TV and film, though she prefers Fantasy books and is quite a 'romantic' thinker.
She was the first person outside my team to ask about me after my hospital stay, which was nice, and we have some great chats.
Anyway, This Valentines Day we had an office theme and we're encouraged to send cards etc.
I thought it would be nice to send her a Secret Admirer card- nothing intense, just a 'have a happy day' type card, no hearts, declarations of love etc.
When she got it she seemed really happy which was nice to see. The usual "so embarassing" whilst showing it to every other woman. It felt good.
However a week later she suddenly became very distant from me. Avoiding eye contact, curt replies, no smiles. She even left work with a female friend without saying goodnight, neither of which she has done before. I have no idea how she worked out it was from me.
I have kept out of her way as I hate the idea of making her unhappy or uncomfortable in any way.
I tried to do something nice but it backfired. I get on well with everyone else from canteen staff to managers and even have a female work friend the same age as E. who keeps meeting me for lunch.
I don't want to get a reputation as a 'creeper' at work. Nor do I want E. To feel odd around me as in the circumstances I just thought it would make her feel special and happy.
Any advice?
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my advice is to talke to E about this and let know you meant no harm and was being nice and if brave enough tell her how you feel. good luck know its not easy but will be worth it in long run and can move on or start something beautiful.
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You can do one of two things: 1.) the direct route would be to bring things up (i.e. I noticed since the Valentine's Day thing that you started acting differently towards me..did I do something to offend you? If so, I apologize) 2.) you could just keep your distance like she is and seem if she comes around.
If you want to know my preference, I would say #1 is the best way. It may be a little uncomfortable at first, but ultimately you'll get an answer either way. I hope this kinda helps, and please keep me updated! I'll continue to rack my brain if these choices don't work for you.
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Perhaps she is with someone else. Outside of work you probably don't know much about her personal life. She may have been flattered by the card and embarrassed and not know how to talk to you about it. I guess she knows her co-workers well at this point to know who wouldn't have sent it. You took a risk and it didn't work as intended.
The other thing if I read this right is that you're 20 years older than her. That's a HUGE difference and likely scared her. The best thing you can do is move on and go about your business and do as you are doing and stay away from her. That is how you avoid a reputation and that this eventually is forgotten. Talking to her about it or pursuing her in any way will land you in trouble. Nobody will view you as creepy if you do this. I would advise you to date your own age and not for professional reasons pursue anyone you work with and have to see daily especially if they go sour on you.
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Since she showed the card to other female co workers, it is likely that they pointed out guys whom they felt might possibly be the secret admirer. You and her may have been observed chatting often and perhaps the other women if more experienced or older, even read something in your expressions or face. So even if the consensus from everyone else was that it might be you, she still can't be 100% sure. Since she has a boyfriend, she may have felt it was safer to avoid you in case you were the one.
While your intent was on just making her happy, using the words secret admirer more often are used by people who have stronger feelings, feelings that go beyond mere admiration to feelings like love, like crushing on someone. That is possibly how she is seeing this. Best thing is to do nothing, cus anything you do say will just make things more awkward.
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If you feel this unhappy about the change in her attitude all you can do really is find a way to talk to her about it.
Find a non threatening place (for her) to do so and try and find out what the problem is, keeping things relaxed and light. It might be the card, it might not be, only she has the answer. Let her know there were no romantic intentions behind the card (as born out by the type of card you bought), it was just meant as a nice thing from one friend to another. If it was the card then you will need to apologise that you inadvertently upset her, that that was not what you wanted.
If you feel you can't do this you are just going to have to accept this change and hope that at some point she will tell you what she has suddenly found problematic about you.
I hope it all goes well for you.
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An office in which one is encouraged to send Valentine's cards to coworkers? Wow, what a stupid policy for an office to have. I mean, they're just begging for drama and unprofessional behavior.
That having been said, it does seem to me that you MIGHT be reading the situation wrong. It sounds like you haven't spoken to E. about why she's upset. Is it possible that it's not about the card at all? Maybe it's something else entirely; heck, it could be a misunderstanding.
It's impossible to know what's going on in her head until and unless you ask her about it. And, of course, that may not resolve anything. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say she IS upset about the card. Perhaps she feels that you crossed a line you shouldn't have. Perhaps she was hoping it was from someone else and resents you getting her hopes up. Perhaps she thinks you were making a joke at her expense. Whatever it is, she's the only one who knows, and so if you're going to clear the air you'll have to ask her about it. Of course, being as you're at work, finding the right time and place to do that will be difficult at best.
This sort of issue is exactly why sending Valentines' cards among staff is such an incredibly stupid thing for an office to encourage. You might therefore want to send another anonymous note... this one to Human Resources, telling them that the intra-office exchange of Valentines' cards is a really terrible idea and that they really need to end that little tradition.
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