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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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so my really close friend was taking to my other friend and my other friend say "oh I have a lot of pimples" and my close friend said "u must have gotten them from rose" should I confront my close friend?

Confront friends for being silly when they talk? Is there something you did not share that I need to know to answer you better?
Apparently I don't know enough about your situation. All I can see in your words is that one friend is teasing other. No different to me than saying Oh you must have gotten the 'bad hair day' hair from Rose, or you must have caught the cold from Rose, etc.

The pimples mentioned could be acne...in which case they are not something a person can catch from another.
The pimples mentioned could be a skin rash of some sort like dermatitis from coming into contact with something that caused an allergic reaction. or perhaps it is hives which are often stress induced. None of these can be transfered to another person.
The only other thing I can think of is rashes showing in the genital area which could be due to a yeast infection or possibly a contracted disease. If this is where the pimples in question are, then that friend should go in to see a Dr. If she can't/wont see the family Dr. she can be tested for STD's at Planned Parenthood. If its yeast, they'll tell her what to buy to take care of it. In none of these cases does Rose need to defend her honor so to speak. However if the friend and Rose have been sexual together and it is an STD, then Rose needs to go get tested also, even without a rash and pimples showing.

If this is not what the situation is and I'm off the mark, then please rewrite your question,be more specific and more details.

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Hi, Before using Trigestrel I used to have a 31 day cycle I only used it for a month, I stopped using Trigestrel in February. Last month I had a 26 day cycle (got my period the 7th March) and my period lasted 2 days. I had ovulation spotting on the 20th March but up until today the 10th April I still have no period even though I had all the pms signs, I even had the cramps. I did a pregnancy test and it showed negative. Is this a side effect of leaving Trigestrel?

second response: Lucky I caught this question in c omments before 24 hrs or I wouldnt have been able to answer. 2 or 3rd questions need to be posted from our individual columns just for future knowledge, not in comment rating section.

Your question "So you're telling me, I can ovulate and still not get a period?"
In a healthy woman, ovulating and periods go hand in hand. The way hormones work is to tell your body it's already pregnant so it doesnt need to release an egg. A released egg is ovulation.
Without an egg released, there's no chance to fertilize an egg and for it to implant and thereby becoming pregnant. Soyocl heres the explanation of why you can have messed up cycles for a while. Remaining hormones in your body are still instructing your body that it is pregnant so most likely its not releasing an egg. Once the hormones are out of your system, the body remains confused for a while. It had man made chemicals telling it what to do and got so used to it, that basically, it's forgotten how to do it on its own, as a Dr. explained to a friend of mine, just dont worry, give it time and the body will remember what to do and go back to remembering and running its own natural cycle.
Your two days of bleeding were probably not a real period. This kind of break through bleeding occurs when coming off the pill or missing taking it a couple times while actively using it. I am going to add a couple links to sites that address ovulation questions and one on whether you can ovulate without a period. If by the end of the month you haven't had a period, it's best to go get checked out by your Dr. to make sure you are ok and that there isn't some other underlying medical reason preventing your cycle that needs to be addressed. Plus, seeing the Dr. will bring you peace of mind to know theres nothing wrong.

Even if you're not trying to get pregnant, most links on the net explaining ovulation are connected to sites on pregnancy.

http://www.mypregnancybaby.com/ovulation-no-period/

http://americanpregnancy.org/gettingpregnant/ovulationfaq.htm






Any brand of birth control pill will have this as a common side after after discontinueing use. Your cycles can be messed up and not become regular again for months, all because of the hormones your body got used to.
If you came off the pill because you want to become pregnant, you're going to have to give your body some time to adjust.
If you came off the pill because of side effects while taking it, you will need to find other contraception that is trustworthy and won't cause side effects because there is no hormones involved. If this is the case, see if you can be fitted with an IUD, intra uterine device. there are 2 kinds now, the more recent Mirena that has hormones added. But the original Paragard is a copper IUD, and it has effect of causing the lining of the uterus to be inhospitable and if the fertilized egg can not implant into the lining, you do not become pregnant and the fertilized egg will flush out of your system.

If you experience any symptoms out of the ordinary like severe cramping or heavy bleeding, call and see your doctor as those wouldnt be normal. It doesnt hurt to call your Dr. and schedule an appointment for exam to make sure everything is fine if you're trying to conceive, especially if your Dr is unaware that you've stopped taking the pill and are trying.

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I'm of shy nature, but I love making videos. I personally think I've got good ideas to entertain people with bad movie reviews, sketches, top 10, etc. The only thing is... I'm scared that people end up mocking me and/or dislike me.

I know you cannot be loved by everyone, but I'm scared I get more hate than appreciation. I really want to do this though, should I take a risk or being a liked youtuber is excessively hard?

I am on You tube alot and see the whole gamut in quality or entertainment or creativity. Some stuff I find poor and a waste of my time to watch and others tho homemade and unprofessional, poor lighting, sound, etc...have good content and I will watch. Peoples reactions are going to vary cus people are different, different tastes in what they like and you'll find differing levels of maturity.
With immaturity comes the critical, dissing, flaming comments. I have seen notes posted by the creator of a you tube video that any comments of an attack nature will be removed. Some people won't attack you but the comments posted by other viewers.

So tho I've never posted a video, I believe you have some control over it, like removing comments or perhaps barring them to begin with.

As for how many liked are clicked...I don't think you can really count on that as a gauge if people like it. I have watched many video's I liked and never posted a like or dislike. Sometimes I do try and have had trouble getting my account to allow me to post a like/comment when I really want to, so over time I got used to not doing it.

Do something that you enjoy and are passionate about and it will bless the people that matter. As for being shy, you never have to meet any of these people face to face so it shouldnt be an issue.

Now if you have a low self esteem, this would be a perfectly safe way for you to learn to work on yours. Good luck

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Okay so first of all im 15 and let's say my ex is tom(15) and my new boyfriend is chad(16).
So tom and I dated like a little over a year ago and our relationship didn't end too swell. We had lots of fun but every time he'd try to move farther with me in the relationship I would say no and yes he respected that. But the thing is I was an 8th grader and he was a freshman at the time and our schools were different but we saw each other every weekend and sometimes during the week. Then all of a sudden 3 weeks into our relationship he dumped me over a text saying that he can't do the long distance? Lol it wasn't even long distance? We lived like a mile away from each other...it took me awhile to get over him because he was the first guy I actually truly liked. Oh and he has been the first and only guy to ever dump me. Then last summer I met a guy through a friend and we talked and we have been dating for almost 11 months now. We are very serious with each other and tell each other everything and very open but we've never had the chance to meet face to face yet. But this summer we are going to see each other. So this past 11 months its been long distance with Skype and texting and phone calls. So my dilema is I love chad but tom has never fully left the back of my head...I feel like a horrible girlfriend just thinking about tom. Because chad is so perfect for me we hardly ever argue or anything. I want to be with chad I love him (whatever love is at this age) but tom I find myself thinking about.. is this because chad and I haven't been together yet? (Kiss, and hug etc) and the last guy I was with was Tom. Tom and I text sometimes out of the blue but completely as friends, he trys to flirt but I stop it. I want to be with chad once again. I just dont know why I keep thinking about tom. How do I stop it? Oh and tom and I have not spoke of the breakup since it happened.

I'd have to say that Tom has been unsuccessful finding a girl to have sex with. Sure, he backed off at the time but my best guess is: what he really wanted was a girlfriend to have sex with.
Having fun together vs being best of friends with feelings for each other is different to me. Cus its the friends that stick with you not just when its fun and happy but during the tough times and also when you may be at your worst or lowest point who are the true friends. And his excuse to break up, you lived too far away? I don't believe that was the real reason. Thats way too superficial a reason. If that was his real concern, he is a shallow person.
Here's what you need to focus your thoughts on: Give him 5 years or so to grow up, and Tom might be a decent person worth dating then. Right now, he's not worth the time even thinking about.

Memories of first love are going to haunt you for a while. All feelings and emotions are stored in your subconscious mind which causes you to dwell on, imagine and fantasize with the memories you have. Your feelings are not going to be connected in a logical way to your conscious mind, based in reality. It might help to not text with Tom as often where it gives him a chance to flirt which stirs up the feelings of your subconscious again.

Get over the guilt. There is nothing wrong with thinking about or fantasizing about other guys. Thats normal for both guys and gals to do as normal sexual creatures. And you will find yourself do this on occasion throughout your life, married or not. The only time it becomes a concern is when it becomes an obsession to the point you are so fully absorbed with thoughts of the other that you neglect time invested in the current relationship or time into other commitments, like school or job.

Good luck with Chad. I am all for taking online sweethearts into the real world as soon as possible. You are partly right when you asked, "is this because chad and I haven't been together yet?" Yes because with Chad, though your feelings are fully involved, it is still a one dimensional, flat computer screen relationship, more based in fantasy as far as imagining what the chemistry between you will be, what it is like to hold hands and kiss. Your imagination fills in the stuff that is missing that you can only experience on a daily in person relationship. So on line is real only to a certain point. So when you meet, no matter that you both mentally and emotionally make a good match...thats the friendship level of a good relationship...you have no control over the chemistry. If once you meet, you discover you feel no romantic spark with him, then he is really only able to be a friend to you, not a romantic boyfriend status and it best be aired in the open right then. Good luck.

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I met my boyfriend in June of last year. We were together 6 months before we found out Im pregnant. Anyway, to make a long story short, my ex had a drinking and pill problem. He was prescribed to klonipins and pain killers but quit the pain killers. He is on klonipins for his PTSD due to his 2 deployments. Hes a veteran and I guess the miliitary thought hed lost his mind so they kicked him out sevral years ago. He seemed normal to me and looked happy so I wasnt going to judge him by his past. I gave him benefit of the doubt. Anyway, he moved in with me and my parents cause it was easier for us to spend time together. After breaking the rule of "no drinking in the house" and getting pulled over due to his wreckless driving cause of his drinkinf, he got kicked out of the house. Me, my son, and him went to a motel to wait out a bad storm before we went anywhere. Well he drank that night and went to steal food from a restaurant and he got arrested. Me and my son had to go back to my parents. He was in jail up until last week. I had only been pregnant for 4 weeks when he got arrested. By 10 weeks id decided to put the baby up for adoption cause we have no means of taking care of it. I told his mom my plan and she agreed with it. But when my ex got out of jail, she suddenly doesnt like me and told her son not to talk to me because i wanted to put the baby up for adoption. He didnt agree with adoption and now he tells me he has full rights to the child and his mom is taking gaurdianship of it til my ex gets back on his feet. And i decided adoption for the best life possible. Not because i didnt want it. Since ny ex lives an hour and a half away, he wants me to move up there so i can be involved in the babys life. I told him i would lose my son to my parents or his father if i was around him. He doesnt seem to understand that and keeps pushing the issue. My parents think he is psycho and his parents hate me for considering adoption. I want to atleast see the baby but im afraid if i do, i will get my other child taken away. And my ex said if i dont want to be in the babys life, he will find it a mom who will help take care of it since he needs a mother. He quit drinking and smoking and is finally getting his life together and hes happy. As for me, tjis pregnancy feels like a nightmare. Im afraid i will never see my baby and that it wont know me. He said the baby will have a good life so i should "calm down". Im stuck and cant quit crying. Please help!!!????

He wants you to give up the baby to him? All he did is supply the sperm to create a baby. That doesn't make him 'Daddy material'. My first thoughts are, considering the history he has, and the fact that he is pressuring you to give him the baby...he probably already knows that the only way he'll get the child is if he pesters you and bullies you into accepting what he says is the only way it will go down. He knows if you found a lawyer who will take your case Pro Bono, that he mostly likely has zero chance of getting the child. The two of you aren't even married, it's a bit more complicated then.
Just don't listen to his demands. Get legal advice.

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I live in an apartment complex, and the apartment above mine decided to overload their washer, causing massive leaking from my ceiling. I have come to notice than when my one year old son and I are home, we are very congested, but when we leave, within minutes, our noses are clear and we can breath just fine again. I have spoken to the maintenance man about the possibility of their being mold, but EVERY time I bring this up "Oh you don't know what mold looks like. It ain't mold" I had lived in an apartment before this one, where there was NO ventilation system installed in the restroom, and yes, I dealt with black mold before. I know what it looks like, and what effects it has on me. I was mostly wondering, what organization would I get a hold of to hopefully get this situation properly taken care of? I am worried about my sons health, and speaking with the buildings management seems to do me no good. I can't move out because I can't afford to break the lease and to find a new place to live on my salary. Any and all help is greatly appreciated. For easier references, I live in the state of Indiana, and my apartment is supposedly owned by the IRS, so they say. Thank you for your time.

Realistically, if water leaked causing mold to grown in the spaces between their floor and your ceiling, there's probably no way to get at that mold to treat it and get rid of it. Whenever you spray mold killer on your ceiling, there'll always be a chance of it coming back. So constant cleaning up is going to be the least expensive cost to the owners of the complex. I know that tearing up your ceiling and re-doing it is probably going to be more expense than they want to commit to.

If you still want to talk to someone, A maintenance man isn't high enough to be the final say. You need to speak to the managers or get a contact name and phone number from the manager for the building owners.

I used to live in an apartment that was half way beneath ground level since I was bottom apt in a building that sat on a slope. We lived with black mold growing in one of the corners of the wall that was mostly underground. There was nothing the owners could do to fix that. So we used mold killer. The fumes of that chemical are not good to breathe so have a neighbor or family member have your child while you spray the area, being sure to do so from an angle, not directly beneath as you dont want any mist falling on you. Spread news paper to catch any drippings off the ceiling that might make bleach marks on the carpeting or furniture. Get into a habit of regularly airing out the apt. Doors and window open. Put your hats and mittens on if necessary but let the place air out for a 1/2 hour once a week. If that doesn't help, do it more frequently.
One last thing that may or may not help. During a heavy rain flooding season, I saw the maintenance man carrying a piece of equipment to a neighboring apt. I asked what it was. A de-humidifier for the apt that flooded a little. The complex owned such a machine cus a couple apts in other building were prone to flooding in extreme rainfall periods. He placed the unit in there and it would pull moisture out of the air into a container which he emptied, checking on it regularly. Although I had no flooding, I suspected the air in our apt was very moist all the time due to its location and I had a baby a few months old. I was concerned for her because of our constant mold issue and told him so. I asked to use it when he was done and he delivered it to me. I had it continually for weeks on end and after a couple of hours had a container of about a gallon of water to pour down the drain, only to find if full again a couple hours later. Day after day. We had a warmer apt and the mold didnt grow back as fast doing that.
If your apt complex owns such a machine, you might ask to borrow it to see if there is enough moisture from the ceiling affecting the air in your apt. I'm sorry but I don't know of agencies that help apt. dwellers with the living conditions or unfair treatment from management/owners.

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So I've been dating this guy for a while, let's call him jack. We are both 14 by the way. We live in Pennsylvania but I am moving to New Jersey soon. We were texting the other day, and he goes "Julie, will you marry me in 12 years?" So I went "haha. That'd be fun." And he goes "Julie, I'm serious. I don't know what to tell him???? Please help me. Oh and we plan to visit and text and otherwise stay in touch once I leave. What should I do????

Adviceman explained well the whys of whats going on in his mind and how its normal.

So what you still need is something to tell Jack.
Of course change the words to fit your personality but heres what you basically need to say.

Make clear that though you understand he cares deeply enough about you now to want to marry you someday, you are not going to make him a promise but you'd rather wait to see where the two of you are at in 12 years. That you are not closing the door on the possibility if the circumstances are right.

There are scientific reasons why both of you are not ready to make such commitments yet. People change, grow and mature lots between high school years to the years after they finish college, or to be more specific...our mid 20s. I am always sharing this piece of info on the advice column as it applies to so many of teens situations, the info is regarding the maturity of your brain. Your bodys have matured basically long before your brain has. Fact is that the pre frontal cortex of your brains are not completely done growing to its adult maturity state. Since this part of the brain is responsible for certain things like being able to make good decisions and considering all angles and possible consequences, teens struggle with making bad decisions that get them in trouble, or making promises and vows that they wish they hadn't. The 12 year wait Jacks talking about would take you two to the age of 26, a time when its likely that both of your minds are finally mature enough to make a good decision. No promises or decisions are necessary at this point.
On a scale of 1 to 10, he may feel you are a 10 right now. Then lets say in his early 20's he meets a girl, and since in his mind he's waiting for you, he doesnt date her but is just a friend. However over time as a friend, he falls in love with her and her with him. Now in comparison, what he feels for her outshines whatever he felt for you at age 14. Shes the 10 now and you fall to 5 on his list of how important you are to him. It then puts him in the awkward position mentally of now having to share that info. with you online or by text that he's found the one he'll marry and its not you.
Hope this helps a bit.

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I had selective mutism as a child. I was treated pretty soon I had it in Kindergarten and I was fully talking by the end of 2nd grade. But what are the lasting effects of having it? As a 15 year old today, I still have a lot of anxiety and some things like trouble talking in front of the class, some social situations, and being in large loud crowds. Would that be lasting effects and what else usually is there?

I am no doctor so I can't say if there are lasting effects to selective mutism.
Just the name itself implies that you chose to not speak in some situations and did in others.
Being shy as a child myself, I would say that was something I did on occasion. We didn't have names for that then. It wasn't severe. But when I was real little, I remember my parents having friends over, people I did not know well. I was curious enough to visually check them out but when the people spoke to me, or the parents cajoled me to say something or perform... i chose to remain mute. As a much older adult looking back, I would say I did not feel safe and secure to talk to people outside of my family members. That made school hard at first. I was truly scared of all the kids and because I was unresponsive socially, I didn't make friends easily and that just compounds the problem because without little steps to step you past your comfort zone you stay stuck in a world of what is termed today 'Social anxiety". I hear from plenty of teens who feel that in either all areas of their life or specific ones. As teens people tend to question their self esteem, wonder if others will like them, where they fit in the world and it is scary but something most teens work through. Others, like myself need a little extra help. I made great strides in middle school of gaining confidence and coming out of my shell but other specific situations still made me panic. I can't remember ever doing book reports in front of the class, would rather take a failing grade than stand up there with all those eyes on me. LOL
Eventually in my last year of high-school, I had enough of being so shy and anxious socially. It was too painful being shy. I don't know if shyness is a trait that can be passed on but my mom was really shy. Her only friends were wives of guys my dad met, he was the outgoing, friendly, talkative sort. I wanted to be more like him, having both examples in my life. Finally in desperation to truly want to change, willing to do anything to overcome it, I prayed to God. And here is what I clearly heard to do.
It worked amazingly. Nice thing about it, is that there is no pressure to master each step in a particular time period. You go through at your own pace. Here's what you can try to work with yourself to overcome the social anxiety.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2 (It is important that they are total strangers to you as there is some level of comfort with people you see on a daily basis.)
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi,(or you can skip the "Hi' here) and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and make up a question to ask her...something as simple as holding it up to you saying "How does this look with my complexion" Make sure your questions to get her started in conversation are open ended, not ones that can be answered yes or no, otherwise the person may not say anything more.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts, then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melons one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes, and gave me examples, so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you. Good luck dear.

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Hi! 15/F.. I'm sorry if this story *̩s all over the place!? "̮м̣̣̣̥γ̥"̮ Virgina *̩s very itchy! So 2day I went to the bathroom and I saw like almost a rash kind of red around the opening. I can't think of any thing that it could be? A Guy fingered me like 3 weeks ago and its been itching since. I'm to scared to talk to "̮м̣̣̣̥γ̥"̮ mom about it? Any advice??

You've been given good advice, talk to mom, see a doctor. It is very likely a yeast infection.
Mom needs not know that you were doing anything sexual because a yeast infection can happen without being sexually active. She is not automatically going to suspect you of anything.
A guy fingering you is not the most likely cause of such an infection. With all the 'fingering' I get from my husband, active sexually more days a month than not, in five yrs. only once had a yeast infection. And I can't say that was the cause of it.

If this was your first time being sexual with a guy and you did something to prepare yourself ahead of time such as heavy cleaning of yourself down there, that is more likely the cause than not. Women will always be concerned with whether they smell good in their genital area for their guy. Its tougher for young females starting out who don't know enough yet. When you get to the point of intercourse with a condom, you may discover that the latex of the condom causes an allergic reaction with your skin and you develop bad itching, no redness yet. This is a good point at which to use Vagisil bought at pharmacys over the counter. You will experience itching from whatever source, several times over your lifetime so thats a good thing to know to take care of the itch. Another is proper cleaning of your genital area. The vagina has its own cleaning system and doesnt need much help from you. Use of douches or using bath soap to clean yourself down there cleans away the good bacteria in side that helps keep the bad bacteria at bay, from growing out of control. Just plain water is enough to clean with.
Since you are at the stage of red rash, having it for 3 weeks before seeking help, I can't say Vagisil will help get rid of it at this point. My 22 yr old daughter finally confided to me that she'd had the same thing for 3 months! you read that right...months! Skin was dry and flaking off with more red rash underneath, real bad. She didnt have insurance to see a Dr. I told her she could try Vagisil but it might not help if she had it this long. She ended up having to go to a low cost clinic for meds. So talk to mom and get seen by a doctor. I know...embarrassing but its one of those things females have to go through to be sure they are okay down there including when you're a little older, yearly visits to a gynecologist.

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Hi, my name is Jo. I am married but have been in love and in a relationship with a married man for 17 years. I guess I got over feeling guilty about cheating on my husband a long time ago. He is a good man, but I was never in love with him. I met the man that I have been in love with when I became a jewelry manager. He ran the store , but we only worked together for a few years. From the very beginning, he pursued me and I fell hard for him. I was always overweight , but be never seemed to notice and was attracted to me regardless. I saw him ocassonally but spoke with him constantly . He always asked to see me ,but I suffer from severe depression and anxiety , so I would hold him at bay at times. I was also a bad yo yo dieter and had ballooned to over 400 pounds. Seven years ago, I had gastric bypass and now weigh 126 lbs. I only
bring this up due to the fact that he calls me all the time and wants to see me. I kept putting him off because I wanted first time in my life to feel really good about myself. He has been telling me all along how much he loves but needs to see me more. He started to act weird about 1 month ago and I finally got it out of him that he left his wife. He knows that although I am in love with him, I am not in a position to leave my husband. I knew that something was wrong with him and I finally confronted him on the phone and I guess right. He left her because he is gay ( bisexual). I am completely devastated and when I asked him why now at the age of 53 and all the years with me, did he decide to come out? I asked him why he could leave his wife without even having experienced any type of a relationship with a man? He explained to me that if he left her for another woman , she would pursue him for a divorce and he would be stuck with child support. They have a 17 year old daughter . They have decided not to file for divorce right now due to the girls. He still sleeps over at his old house a few times a week for the sake of the girls. In the meantime, he continues to pursue me and pressures me to see him. He said his feelings have never changed for me and that he desires me daily. He said that he cannot be responsible for breaking up my marriage for he has been married twice and feels that he has destroyed enough lives. My heart is broken and I feel that our relationship has been in vain. What makes it worse is that he continues to tell me that I am his soul mate and that dr still wants to be with me physically. I'm in a terrible panic. I feel like I have lost my best friend. He constantly pursues me and tells me that he wants to see me more because I haven't spent enough time with him. I'm so sorry that I'm so long winded, but I can't even think straight anymore. Why does he continue to pursue and tell me that he isn't actively looking for someone? Why can't I get myself away from this man? I love him so deeply , but all he does is talk about how much he misses and desires me. If you can make any sense out of my situation, I would welcome your thoughts. Sincerely, Jo

You have several issues here.
I'll try to address them in order but this may be long.
The first being that you are married to a man you are not in love with. I don't know if it happened before or after meeting B. (Addressing husband as A and the other as B) But regardless, for your own reasons unknown to us, maybe even subconsciously unknown to you, you did make that choice. It is never a good thing when we marry a person we are not in love with. This relegates it to only a friendship level, if that.

For a marriage or any long term relationship to be successful, we must have both our very best friend, AND the love part. Love and attraction, romance, desire, sexual intimacy are just as important to a healthy relationship. No matter how long a person is married to the wrong person for one reason or another, you can't let the amount of years together be the excuse to stay together. Just because the years had crept up to 30 for me didn't mean I should continue to stay with a bad husband. I left. You mentioned B had kids, but not whether you have kids, so of course if you do that must be taken into consideration. Sometimes staying for kids sake is a good choice.

Sometimes staying for the kids sake is not a good choice. They will form their idea of what a healthy relationship is like from their parents before they start dating. If they have never witnessed any love and romance between their parents such as kissing and cuddling, they may come to believe that love is not necessary, and go for just taking care of sexual urges only.

Next issue if it really is one, you say he is gay and bi-sexual. Those two sexual expressions are not one and the same. A man who is gay only desires and wants sex with other men, is not attracted to females in that way. A gay man can be married and forcing himself to have sex with his female partner for whatever reasons, not having fully come to grips with his sexual preference for the other sex. If that were the case, he would not continue the torture by 'forcing' himself to act the 'misplaced but accepted social norm'. Since he is attracted to you, he is not gay. Bi-sexual is a situation in which a person is sexually attracted to both genders. You said yourself that he told the wife he was bi-sexual as an excuse for getting separated, because he believes it would be worse for him if she knew he had a female lover rather than a male lover? I really can't say...I'm not a divorce lawyer. He may not be bi and it's nothing more than an excuse to her. But since he told you when he didn't 'have' to, perhaps he has future hopes for the one day he is finally divorced and able to indulge in experiencing a male sex partner while at same time seeing you. If you choose to continue keeping him while remaining married, and that is the case, the concern then becomes safety sex wise, you'd now be connected not just to A if having sex, but B and B's partner C. If B ends up with several different C's, it becomes quite complicated to keep things safe. Most people are not going to use condoms or dental dams to give oral sex, so between two guys, if one has an STD, and its transfered to the mouth of B, next time he gives you oral, you may get a little something extra like an STD.

His "worry about breaking up a marriage" is somewhat misplaced. If he were that worried about the effect it might have on you and your marriage, he would not have gotten involved in the first place. Too late to feel concern now this deep in.
Another thought to ponder: if he wanted to feel guilty, how come he would feel guilty making you leave A, but doesn't feel guilty having sexual relations for so many years with a married woman? Maybe he also was married to a 'best friend' but was never in love with his wife. Perhaps the reasonings behind his idea of guilt and how he thought it out don't quite match reality?

Next issue: Your say your heart is broken because---why?
Were You were hoping he was ready to totally leave the wife and get a divorce now? If so, how does that make a difference if you have vowed not to leave A? Why can't he continue being your sexual love partner on the side no matter what his marital status?
Or is your heart broken because he said he is bi-sexual? You said he doesnt have any male partners. It's not like he'd be doing anything different than the two of you are doing now, meaning commitments of different types to more than one partner at the time. What if instead of his wife, the other person is a man? How does that change things? Are you afraid of him falling out of love with you and falling in love with a man? The reality is, that sometimes, people can find themselves in love with more than one at the same time. The only way this can work successfully is under a practice known as Polyamory, where nothing is done in secret but out in the open with full knowledge and permission of each partner. I wont go into that, as we dont know if that will ever become the case.

I really can't imagine what other reason your heart is broken unless...Oh...the fact that he kept this a secret from you for so long?? Big deal! You have been keeping him a secret from A all this time. He's been keeping you a secret from his wife all this time. So if this is the kind of life you are choosing to live, not saying its right or wrong, just your chosen path, then you can not hold "this secret" against him, it shouldn't change anything.

You wonder: Why he continues to pursue you? I could be crude and say if he doesnt have good sex at home, its for the sex. But I think you know that since he was attracted to you when you still had the weight, it wasnt based on looks, he was really attracted to your personality but then there was also that spark or chemistry with you two as well. Neither of you are getting younger. If you feel that this relationship with B is your only chance to experience true love, then you will keep doing it. Whats the worst that could happen? 'A' finds out and divorces you, B's wife finds out you're a female, not a male and starts divorce right away? End result, both of you are single and can now be together.
My life experience by hearing others stories and my own experience is that when we marry when we are young, we really dont know anything much yet about all the ins and outs of finding the best mate for ourselves. We often marry someone who is not our equal sexually, is abusive (my situation) not in love with each other, is only our best friend, have nothing in common with, a partner is im-mature choosing to not grow up, one or both are dysfunctional people, or there is a mental illness in one that causes break up of the relationship.
We just don't see these things until later. The tragedy is that most people once they do see the issues, continue to live with them rather than attempt to seek ways to resolve the issues and if not solveable, then break up. The moment your senses are telling you that you are not in a good situation whether you realize that in one year, 5 years or more, the deal is to do what is best for you. The only person really looking out for you is you.

You can't expect someone else to make the best decisions for you or rescue you from bad decisions you made. So if we really love ourselves enough to do what we believe is right for ourselves, thats all that matters, as long as you are happy, content, fulfilled and have no negative feelings of sadness, guilt, fear etc. connected to your choices.

When those negative feelings come, you need to examine them to determine if they are indicators that you are on the wrong track, doing the wrong thing. If so, make corrections. If not, your negative feelings are not indicators that you need to change what you are doing, only a need to change negative thinking.
I hope this helps you to be able to examine your situation more clearly.

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i touched my girlfriend vigina with my penis once on vulva befr touchng i got a bit of sperms out but i cleand it and touched her vulva, she got her periods before 8 days when this incident took place she didn't got her periods upto now this is 22nd day after that incident took place. is there any chance of occuring pregnancy?

If as you say you wiped the penis very well before touching her, then there wouldn't be any chance of her getting pregnant from this time you were with her. But perhaps you fingered her also that same night and was unaware of having some of your pre cum on your hand. That could possibly get her pregnant. If she is late for her period, it can be due to several things other than pregnancy, recently sickness, stress and worry about possibly being pregnant can delay a period, or if she is a teen, until turning 17,18 younger teens have a tendency to not have regular periods, coming too often or spaced further apart, even 2 months with no period and it can be normal.
If the two of you intend to become regular sex partners, I suggest that you don't just leave it up to her, use condoms for STD protection but because of all the other fun sex stuff besides just penis in vagina sex where she can get pregnant, its safer if she was on birth control. Please suggest it to her if you really care. If shes young or can't afford it, there is always Planned Parenthood, they do cater to teens and those who have no doctor.

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Coke head is being a little harsh. But one of my best friends jumped into a relationship a few weeks after ending a really long relationship. The guy was nice enough when I first met him and I'm happy if she's happy. Until I found out that he does coke "every now and then." It really disgusts me because I come from a family with three brothers who are drug addicts. (Luckily they don't do it anymore but still hate any kind of hard drug.)
He tells her that he won't do it anymore and she keeps saying she has no reason to not believe him yet. But I'm just worries about her. I know she's a big girl and can make up her own mind but it makes me have a dislike towards him, which may not be fair to him-but I'm only human and trying to process my feelings towards the situation. So I don't really ask her questions about him and when she brings him up I listen but don't really ask questions so I think she knows I'm not his number one fan. Which makes me sad cause she's my best friend and I feel as if we are creating a wedge in our friendship. They hang out literally everyday and night and she rarely has time to hang out anymore. I know this is life and being 22 means it's only gonna get worse as far as seeing friends go because everyone will get married as I age. I'm also in a long distance relationship so it's hard being far from him and feeling lonely at the same point sometimes.
I really just wish she was better about fitting me into her life still because I do miss her and care about her. At least in her old relationship she was good about making time for me and her girlfriends.

I cant see anywhere that you actually asked a question. If you meant to, you might want to write again. If you only meant to air your feelings, I suppose thats okay.
But since this is an advice column, It doesn't really help you in any way to just vent here.
I wish the best to you in your situation.

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I need advice to get over my e boyfriend im 15 years old . I just cant get over him its really hard but all he wants to sex but he would stop talking to me for a while I always felt like it was me I just need advice to get over him . he played a lot of mind games

I know first relationships can feel special, its all new experience and can be exciting except for when a guy doesn't treat you right. You want a guy to pay you attention but you want him to treat you like a princess, not a sex object.
The whole reason behind dating is to experience lots of different guys so you can begin to form your own ideas of what is good and not good about a guy, what you like in a guy and what you are looking for, what you want to avoid. You will move on to date many guys before you end up with one you marry or have a long term relationship with.

So considering the reasons for the practice of 'dating', to get over this one, look at it as one of those dating learning experiences. What did you learn that you can put on an actual list of good traits wanted / bad traits to avoid in a guy?
I hope you saw it, that a guy pressuring you for sex is something you don't want.
A guy treating you as a sex object is also something to avoid
He cares more about his feelings than yours-avoid
He throws a little tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants from you by giving you the cold shoulder and not talking-avoid.
He plays mind games--avoid.

This a great. Thats a lots of good stuff to look at other guys and if you see that behavior in them when they interact with you or other people, avoid the guy. Learn to recognize what some of the early signs of this behavior are. At 15, you may not see them so quick at first but over time, if you are looking for them, you'll get so good at spotting the troublesome traits that you can walk into a party and by spending a little times observing people, begin to spot the guys to avoid and won't even have to date them to find out.
Some are good at hiding their true self but can't keep the false image going forever, its too much work so if after the third date he finally does something you don't like, thats on your Avoid list, tell him you are done with dating him and not to bother coming after you and leave him!

It takes time for the feelings connected to a guy to go away. But they will, Keep busy with other things as already suggested. StART making your list of good/bad traits...I mean this literally, whether written on a document saved on computer. You'll add to it with each relationship. Once you feel you are already to look for a marriage partner, you'll know what you're looking for which makes the right guy easier to spot. Its a constructive thing to do after each break up.
If you have a really nice guy, many good qualities but he breaks up cus he doesnt feel the same 'spark' of attraction that you do, its hurts but that is very common in real life, both need to feel the same. So put all the good traits of that guy down on your list. You aren't getting him back, but you can look at the list and remind yourself to look for those good traits in the next guy. Dont wait for someone to ask you. If you think you see some who looks like a possibility, go introduce yourself and eventually ask him out. Good luck dear!

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21/f

I'm having a hard time right now. There are things that are changing in my family environment and now things are changing in my relationships.

There's this guy. We dated when I was 17 years old. We went on and off when I was 19 years old, we weren't really seeing anybody in between those times. Our on and offs were pretty much him saying that he wanted to move on, and three days later he'd come back. We were going through a rough patch of him telling me to move on and then coming back asking me to stay. We fought constantly over the past 4 years... But recently, things got better. We stopped fighting. I thought because we've been through so much we don't fight as often anymore. When we get into an argument, we apologize and we automatically know what to do and we make up within those 1-3 hours. I thought things were going well.

I saw him two days ago and he seemed fine... But after I got out of the car things changed. He avoided me, he barely spoke to me, etc. I told him instead of keeping me in the dark, what was going on, he said he didn't want to "continue this complicated relationship anymore" and that he wanted to "start moving on" again... Since he was planning on moving to Japan.

I hate it when he says that. About Japan, he told me these news sometime last year. He told me he wanted to move to Japan for a couple of years and work for a company before he goes off to medical school because after medical school, he would not get a chance to go. I was in denial.

For the past year I was trying to believe what other people told me. The people that I trust the most and has a pretty good grasp about him, believe that he won't go and that it's just a dream that he has since he has this habit of running away from his problems and trying to escape reality and if he did move, he'd only be there for a month because it's quite pricey and the work environment there is terrible. His friends told me that they don't know what he's going to do, and that maybe he's doing it now because he feels like this is the only time to do it and that he will be back for medical school. Others? They say they don't know him well enough to tell whether or not if he's going to go.

To be honest, I've been having a hard time grasping onto that idea. The more he talks about it, the more he tells people, the longer time passes, it makes it hard for me to try to believe he's not going because I don't want him to. And I feel selfish thinking and hoping he wont go.

I've been needing the reassurance that he won't go but I feel more sad when the time may come.

I fear that if he goes, what if he finds someone else? What if things do work out there and he's there for years? To even think about that, it scares me and worries me. His decision on going makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to stay and he's leaving me behind instead.

What am i going to do? I've been trying to be the best for him because i want him to stay but it comes off as not enough. Do you really think he's not going to go at this point or is it still a dream he has to escape medical school?

Your guy is 21 too I assume. He's still young. Doesn't know himself or what he wants, until he does, he is not going to be good relationship material. I see a couple other possibilities:

1. the part of brain responsible for making good sound decisions isn't fully developed yet. It doesnt finish and mature until mid 20-s and sometimes longer for a few individuals. It could be that he is MENTALLY IMMATURE and incapable of making any firm decisions yet for school, career, relationship. So this on again off again thing could easily continue for another 5 years or maybe longer til his brain is fully matured.

2. His leaving, wanting to split up but coming back and his talks of going to Japan but not going indicate there is a good possibility that he is lacking SELF CONFIDENCE. He may truly feel that you and he are incompatible, and thats why he becomes so frustrated when you're together, causing him to leave. But due to his lack of self confidence, he needs someone to lean on, so even though he realizes he is not happy with you, that you are not what he wants in a partner, you are the most convenient person to lean on because you always take him back. A person like this is a dreamer, they have all sorts of good ideas but never follow them through. My ex is now 60 and still has a long lists of things he never accomplished or went after, even something simple like putting a fountain in the garden. He always wanted one. Still doesnt have one, and not because he cant afford to buy one. So in reality, your boyfriend may never go to Japan ever in his life or go to medical school.

3. Another possibility is mental disease. It can be come noticeable already in the teen years. His feelings and emotions are all over the place. He gets angry enough to fight with you. Breaks up and during the time away calms down and comes back and the cycle starts over. He may just have those extreme highs and lows of bi-polar or many other types of mental illness. It might be a good idea for him to go see a mental health doctor. However I doubt he will. He won't see anything really wrong with him and all the symptoms of it are not necessarily going to be visible to others like friends, student, co workers, only in a close dating relationship or a marriage. By the way, some people who don't respond to medical therapy or there isnt one for their case or refuse to go get help, people in those situations do not make good relationship partners. It causes constant stress and eventually they break up for good. So if he has mental health issues and responds well to medications, only then will he have a chance at a normal healthy relationship.

There may be another possible reason for his behavior though nothing comes to mind at the moment.

You want reassurance that he won't go to Japan? In scenerio 2 its almost guaranteed he wont go.
In scenerio 1, there is a chance he will go once he matures, although he may decide once he's ready that too much time has gone by and its too late and choose not to which is more likely considering the hassle that such a move entails.
In scenerio 3 it's really a crapshoot as to whether he goes. His mental illness if thats whats wrong, could be debilitating enough to destroy his chances to handle much of anything let alone a move to another country. If he is on medication that works well, he may be able to pursue his dreams of Japan and medical school.

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I like this guy since summer last year. I didn't see him irl. We are friends over internet. Uhmm, pls do help coz I have no other person to talk to. This might be embarrassing. I'm falling on him but im trying not to but i can't help it. I can sense that he likes me too. Is this normal to fall a guy over internet coz Im worried.

And how do I get rid of my feelings. How to forget him. Im sorry but i know you can help me coz u helped me already. Thnks so much.

Yes, it is a normal human tendency to not only fall in love over the internet, but experience many other emotions. I will give examples of that in a moment.
Humans tend to place as high a value on internet life and relationships as they do in real life, there is no distinction.
If a person can keep things in perspective and realize that although there is a "REAL" live person on the other side of a computer screen interacting with you, it is not rl, real life and never can be. It is a possibility for some people to meet a internet person in RL and thats when a relationship becomes real.

So you want to know why we have such 'real feelings' then with someone on the internet? Well, that is due to having a mind that is very creative and able to imagine things easily, a mind that enjoys reading a good book for the same reason, it is an escape from RL and when we read about a scene or a character, our mind begins to imagine the setting and actually see in our mind whats going on in the story, not as clearly maybe as watching a movie but that is our mind getting involved. Our mind is also known to be the greatest sex organ. Having sexual fantasies is healthy and enhances ones sex life. So if the mind is capable of sexual scenerio's in the mind that help arouse, why not the feelings of being in love? Of course it's possible. And those are real feelings, but the situation is not real, not any more than you watching a character die in a sad movie and crying your eyes out. It touched your heart and mind and the subconscious mind is where all our emotions come from so the crying is real. The person dying is not...it was just an actor playing a part. Much of the entertainment part of the internet is just that, playing a part.
Now for examples I promises of other emotions one can feel on the internet. I have a friend on a game called SL 'Second Life' and players take it very seriously. And thats where it becomes a problem. Even my friend had an incidence where her Avi was being followed and harassed no matter which site she programmed her AVi to go to. He was stalking her. Remember this is computer avatar being told to move to house, to park, to restaurant in order to keep the male stranger avatar from stalking her but he found her each time. He talked in chat like a predator and scared the heck out of her. She panicked, was so scared that she tried contacting a male friend in the game to come rescue her. He happened to be online, took the coordinates she gave and popped in on the scene to tell the other guy to get lost. She had real fear, I saw her afterwards, she was still shaking. Was there any chance in RL of this unknown guy stalking her? No. There is no way for him to have any information on her. She was perfectly safe. But yet she was scared. I know that people also get angry over someone on the internet too, or jealous, names the emotions, its probably happened somewhere to someone.

As long as someone interacts on the internet with people in chat rooms, dating sites, SL game, other games, they are going to at some point experience their feelings becoming involved. The only way I know to handle not having those feelings is to avoid what is causing it. In your case, it's a pleasant feeling, so enjoy it but don't tell him because it is not in RL. I began to develop stronger feelings for a guy, not love yet, but great attraction and interest to meet in real life. He was awesome on line and lived clos enough to meet, a 45 minute or so drive from me but he kept refusing, avoiding, not wanting to meet for real. So I know what it is like. I eventually stopped talking to him because it was fun on line but wasn't going anywhere. So I know what this is like. I've been there and done that.
I just happen to prefer real life to internet because its too easy for a person to hide things on the internet from you. For example, in SL, having a female avatar doesn't necessarily mean the person operating it is a female. There are plenty people who have avi's the opposite sex, or as fantasy creatures, mermaids, fairies, werewolf, vampires. So for all you know, the female friend in SL could be a fat old bald man who is a shut in and this is his entertainment. He is not female. Imagine a real male with a male avatar falling in love with the old guys female avatar. And imagining kissing and sex with or actually doing that online. In real life, its the minds of two males doing the dialogue and operating the characters. And neither of them can know for sure what the other character is in RL.

SO the only way to forget him is to stop talking to him online. It won't be instant and will take time but as you become involved in more things in RL, and enough time passes, you will get over him

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I love my family very much, but for some readon, I am unable to stay away from my grandmother. Nothing bad is going on at home, it's just that I can't stay away from her. Is there something wrong with me?

Has anyone asked you to stay away from her, or asked you to spend less time there?
If you are drawn to spend time with grandma, thats a good thing and there is nothing wrong with it. If grandma is happy seeing you often then theres no problem. If she asked for a break to have some time to herself, give her that. Otherwise enjoy it. Grandma won't be around forever.

It may be that you both have similar personalities or things in common. Its natural that we are drawn to people who compliment our personality.

There may be some needs that subconsciously are being met in you that you're not even aware of. Maybe she is a bit more easy going and at peace than your family due to having a different set of circumstances at this point in life to deal with than your parents.
There's something reassuring about someone who has lived longer, has more life experience and wisdom, is in no hurry, easy going, relaxed and content, knows what they want, etc. It is very calming to be around someone like that. While you spend this time with her, ask her to share stories of when she was young. Our long term memories are usually better than short term and she probably remembers well and would be tickled pink to share them with you if you haven't already done this. You might also think about capturing her stories on tape to have for the future when she is no longer around. Or if you like to write, put what she shares and your experiences with her into a journal you keep in save that file on line. Someday, you may have a book that could be printed up for all the family to remember her by.

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Hi I'm Bhuvana from India. I have a caring lovable boyfriend. My problem is he is too much caring.Its a kind of possessiveness. I'm unable to sacrifice many things for him as he do to me. My nature is to be independent. But he says he is making me to be independent but I'm unable to feel that. Whatever I do casually he is makng complaints out of it and begging me to change that quality. He is ready to change anything for me but I'm unable to do it.At the same time I'm unable to leave him.He is such a nice guy ever. He is suffering a lot because of me but I'm unable to sacrifice my independence. He makes complains if I speak to other boys. He always intend to see my call logs in my mobile. If I ask for, he is saying he is doing everything casually. How should I take this? Moreover, he is getting upset because of me since I'm not satisfying his expectations in talking something dirty like all tat stuffs. I help him in that but he is expecting all that often with which I'm getting irritated. How to deal with this? I have asked for a big gap for this relationship. But its being very hard to handle this gap for both of us. At the same time we are not able to live happily if we are together. Misunderstandings! I'm scared he will find other person who suits his character if I have this gap between us. I'm helpless. Need advice!

You were right in beginning when you said its possessiveness. I don't think you have a clear idea or picture in your mind of what a real caring lovable partner is. The things that you are interpreting to mean that he is loving and sacrificing are not. He is playing a game with you. He knows you are independant. He is hoping that your ignorance of what a truly good man is, will trick you into allowing him to have control of you.

When he begs you to change yourself because he is changing himself...that is very wrong for several reasons.
1. If someone has to ask their partner to change for them to be more of something that they want, then they are with the wrong person. Instead of changing you, he should be looking for a female who is perfect for him, who doesn't need to change for him.
2. Change is hard for most humans. It is scary and puts us outside of our comfort zone, if we feel uncomfortable we won't change, or just pretend to change. Psychologists will tell you that it takes most people a life time to truly change one or two little things about themselves for the better. It is very unlikely that your guys has made sacrificial changes for your sake that will become part of who he is.
3. The fact that he is saying that he is making changes for you says to me that he is telling you a made up story to impress you, to make you think he really cares deeply for you. He had to tell you to draw attention to it.

His claim to be making you independant is a bunch of lies. No one can "Make" you be something. If you are independant already as you said, then you cant be made into an independant person. Perhaps the translation you meant to share is that he says he is "allowing you" to be independant. That is also a lie. If he was allowing you to be that way, then there would be no need to ask you to change. I think you are not seeing things clearly. Your better judgement is clouded. It is like you trying to look through a window that is very dirty. It will be hard to see what is really on the other side.

You said He tells you that you make him suffer? Then all he has to do is leave and find another girl who will be his puppet and believe his lies.
It is not what you do or dont do, it is not your actions that make him claim to be suffering, it is his warped thinking, incorrect thinking and ideas and ideals in his head that make him frustrated. His thoughts are just human born thoughts of how things should be in his life and he gets upsets when it doesn't go as he wishes. Just because he is a man does not mean what he says is 100 percent correct and true or right. Who is he? God? Lord Shiva? Or some other Deity? He is mere human and bound to have lots of frailties and be wrong in many areas.

Heres another area where he is wrong:
"He makes complaints if I speak to other boys"
That is the action of a person who is a controller. Controllers don't change. They do not make a good dating or marriage partner.
He always intends to see my call logs in my mobile". And his excuse is that he is just curious? No! He wants to see if any other boys have been talking to you. This is another tactic of a controller type of person. Isolate them from contact with anyone else, eventually even family so that they can get away with mistreating you. Some controllers become very verbally and physically abusive. This can be a sign of mental illness. Some people choose to act this way and others are like that because of a mental problem.
For just this alone I would tell you to dump him immediately and never talk to him again. Just because someone asks to look at your mobile phone you dont have to do it. You may think you are fighting hard for independance. What is happening at the same time is that you are sending him a silent message that you have no self confidence because he has so far been able to make these requests and you act as if it it alright with you. He is clearly showing he has no trust of you. Its not because of you but something internal in him. He will act this way, no matter what girl he is going after to date.
A guy who gets upsets because he isn't getting what he wants sexually is very immature. It does not matter if it is just dirty talking, kissing, touching or actual intercourse sex, if the two people are not in love or one is not comfortable, then thats the end of that. He has befriended you in hopes that you are easy to control and so far, you have allowed him to do and say things and have not protested or said no. So he thinks it is a matter of time before he can wear you down so that you give him a little more control over you each day, so slowly that you don't notice until one day you realize he is bossing you around and making you jump to his every wish. Its all about him and he does nothing to care for your needs or wishes.
The big gap you mention in relationship, is what we call breaking away from the relationship. And in most cases, the two do not get back together. One usually wants out and the other will beg and plead and makes all sorts of vows for the other to come back into relationship with them.
You say you are irritated and want to know what to do. Make sure this is not a temporary gap. I know you enjoy the feelings of dating and having a guy pay attention to you. But the attention he gives is not something to support and build you up, its to bring you down and crush you and change you into someone with low self image. You must be doing something that gives him hope he can do this. Run back to back, allow him back, telling him you missed him and all that sort of stuff, will tell him that he can mold you like clay, that he already has control of you.

Would you like to know what a confident woman would say to someone like him? I am a very confident woman and if I met someone like him.
Him "I want you to change for me"
Me "I change for no one. If you don't like me with all my good traits and my imperfections, then I am the wrong girl for you. Go look somewhere else.
Him "Oh but I dont want anyone else, I want you, hey don't look at that boy.
Me "Did I just hear you correctly? You think you can tell me what I can look at and what I can't? I am not something to be controlled by you. If you want to boss me around, I won't allow it. Say one more word like that and I am leaving.
Him "Okay I won't. Can I see you mobile please"
Me "Why?"
Him "No special reason, I am just curious."
Me "Curious about what?"
Him "Nothing really."
Me "Then you don't need to see my phone."
Him "If you don't want me to look at your phone, maybe you are hiding something from me.
Me "I do not think my friends and other phone contacts would appreciate a stranger having access to see their names and their phone numbers and their private conversations with me. Your curiousity is not a reason at all. If you are bored go find something else to do other than checking the contents of my phone.
Him: "No I am not bored, well maybe a little. You could help cure that if you talk dirty to me and kiss me and touch my private area."
Me "In order for me to even want to do that with a guy I need to feel loved, and safe and secure with that guy. I don't feel like that with you. YOU have in this short time you told me to change for YOU, stop looking at other guys because YOU don't like that, asked to be given the right to go through the contents of my phone to satisfy YOUR curiousity, been asked to perform sexual favors for YOU. Its all about you. You have some big ego and think the world revolves around you. Well it doesnt, and neither do I. This is the end of it. I don't want to ever see you again. Dont even try to call me or approach me in public. If you pester me, I will tell my father

Thats how you do it. I wish you the best.

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Okay so I started dating this boy Jayden he's insanely cute with hazel eyes justin bieber hair around April 4 . 2013 . We were both 12 in 7th grade and you know where I'm from half the people in my school already had sex one was actually pregnant she was in eighth . And well .. The only thing I've done sexual before was got my pussy rubbed like they're fingering me from the outside like through my clothes and now it's April 5 2014 . I've been dating Jayden . For 12 months now well okay . On July 10th my birthday he was in my room and we were making out and when we made out with eachother we always touched eachother like he would would rub down there and I would rub his dick . And this time he actually slid his hand down there I stopped kissing him and looked at him and he said " I love you so much " then bit his lip and started kissing me again of course I couldn't resist . So he put one finger inside me it didn't hurt it actually felt good an he started pacing up the speed then he put in two which sorta hurt because I'm really tight /.\ but after like 20 seconds it stopped hurting and he was going really fast and we were moaning really loud because my parents were gone . And I cam all over his hand after that he ate me out , we didn't have sex because we both agreed we wouldn't until 16 . Well on his birthday which was like a couple weeks after mind July 23rd I came to his house and his mom and brothers went out to buy a cake we were on his bed and I like sat on top of him and started making out with him he starts to take my shirt off .. Which Im really uncomfortable with my body but he's seen my boobs before because of pictures but anyways started kissing my boobs then we switched spots he got on top of me and he just pulled the part where it between your thighs up because we didn't want to go fully naked in case his mom got home . So he pulled his basketball shorts down a little and I gotta admit it was huge which made me nervous he started putting it in I didn't want him to put all of it in because I was sort of scared so he stuck half of it in and started stroking back and forth we were both moaning and as soon as he cummed you could hear his moms car doors lock so we quickly got up straightened our selves up ran to the living room and act like we were just watching tv I guess you can say that was the best present ever . And I really loved him I still do he means the world to me . Okay in September me and him broke up for about I think 1 week or 2 weeks because he hugged some other girl an the girl liked him . During that i was texting his friend jake all the time and I did like jake before I even dated Jayden and I started to like him again . So after school we walked to his house then the park down the street and no one was there so we went in this thing that had two big walls on each side I was sitting on his lap and we were just talking then I notice he got A Boner so I got up and got in my knees and we smiled at eachother he zipped his pants undone and pulled it out it was pretty big I didn't give him a blowjob because I honestly think that's gross so I have him a handjob about 5 minutes in to it and asked if we could titty fuck and I gave in and said yes when we started doing that he cummed all over my boobs and i got a text fom Jayden saying " myname I love you and I miss you so much please come to my house " and Jayden lived about 4 blocks from where I was at so I got up and put my shirt back on and told jake I have to go I gave him a hug and ran to Jayden's house he gave me a big hug an kissed me and said he was sorry and he loved me and he didn't want nobody else so I took him back but jake is Jayden's bestfriend so whenever me and Jayden went to the mall or something he would bring jake which would he extra awkward but now me and him are just friends and talk once and awhile . But this month was me and Jayden's anniversary we just went to the same place we hanged the first day we dated which was in front of my grandmas house with my friends Noah , and Boyd . We just laughed and talked about memories . Jayden did eventually find out what happens between me and jake in like February he was mad or awhile but he said it's okay we weren't together during that and honestly I felt like I only did to get over Jayden . But I love this boy to death and I'd not be with anyone besides him . I will marry this boy and I know that for a fact . You guys might not understand my life and yes I do regret doing that with jake I'm not gonna use the term " young and dumb " it's more like " dumb ass things To get over ex " but like i said I love that boy and I always will I just wanna know if I'm dumb for doing this with the one I love or not ? Even if they're bad opinions I won't care it's my life not anyone's else's . I don't even know why I bothered to ask this question when I shouldn't are about anyone's opinion . I'm not gonna get pregnant and im using protection and I have birth control pills . Definatly not having kids and the last time me and him had sex was about December . I told him we should wait a little more into really getting into it .

At 12, 13, 14, most people are being flooded with hormones that bring on the sexual changes in their bodies. They can not avoid being a sexual creature now any more than one can avoid not blinking their eyes beyond a certain point in time. Your sexuality and the changes in your body are part of the physiology and functioning of your body. You can't hold off or stop these sexual changes to your body. With the changes come the sexual urges and the good feelings
What you are on is your sexual debut...its not about a loss of anything like virginity but a gaining of experience about your sexual self and it includes studying what your genitals look like, smell like, and what you taste like, learning how to bring yourself to orgasm with the clit or g spot. Eventually a person broadens their horizon and includes another person in the experience. I was glad to hear you are on birth control. Theres always the fact a person can use self control and avoid sexual exploration with another person unless there is really a good reason not to. Otherwise people will explore.

I'll tell you what I told my 3 daughters when they were your age. Watch all the other girls who are dating and breaking up back and forth all the time. Watch what effect it has on their grades and studies in school and decide if you want to experience the same. They reported back to me that indeed the popular girls who dated all the time one boy after the other, were getting bad grades and skipping classes, or started smoking, etc and their focus was not on school anymore, they were too distracted. I told the daughters, that is exactly what happens. And at their age, it is even harder to choose to find a balance and give enough time to studies when boys are so fun and interesting.
Then I told them I understood that even since they decided not to date until they graduate, just in case they did meet and become attracted to a guy and it ends up they have deep feelings and want so badly to experience sex together, then I told them to come to me and we'd get them put on birth control. Knowing they had my okay, none of them ever needed it. All 3 avoided dating in highschool, had male friends but no boyfriends. But once school was done, they found boyfriends and sex partners. I gave them a choice that was all theirs.

You have made a choice too. Now that you have tasted what sex is like with a partner, there is really no going back to not doing it ever until, say you finish high school.
Just to clear up what being sexual vs. having sex is, I want you to think for a moment of two females or two males exploring sex together, they dont have the right parts for penis in vagina sex, so when guys give each other a hand job/blow job, is that technically not sex? It sure brings on orgasms which is something that happens with sex. Sex is not just one act but made up of many that happen in a natural progression. You can't single out one piece and say it is not sexual. Other than a quick peck on the lips, I find even just kissing a man to be sexual. Its several steps away from having pen-vag sex and can't get pregnant from kissing but it is part of the arousal process of our genitals which is part of being sexual. Then theres touching each other, cuddling clothed or naked, foreplay to work on arousal, oral sex, hand jobs and fingering, which should bring orgasms for both guys and gals if the partner is doing it right. If not, talk to each other and instruct what changes to make. And then finally, there is "intercourse" the more technical word for what teens call 'Sex', penetrative penis in vagina sex. But all the rest is sexual as well. You just decide what it is you are comfortable with. There is no rush to do it all at once.

You mentioned knowing you'd marry him some day. Thats wonderful. You may be right and then again things may change. I do know that some people meet in school and end up marrying the only person they ever dated and had sex with, but the highschool sweethearts that marry is a very rare occurance. It is more common that people meet and date and have sex with several people before they find the right person to marry. If you have lucked out into the right one...then you are blessed indeed. You have no control though on whether he changes his mind as he grows older. Hopefully not for your sake. In case things don't go as you believe they will, all is not lost, dating several people rather than just one helps us to form an idea of what we are looking for in a long term partner by being able to make comparisons from our experiences. Just remember the traits you liked about him and look for that in the next person.
Hope my ramblings have helped you some.

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How are you? Ive been reading your advice in your column and like your opinions towards things. when you replied to my question about the curioustiy i have towards my ex keeping in contact with my sister I wanted to talk to you about it more if you dont mind :) I know that my subconscious mind is still looking for reasons to why i should be with him again, and its been really hard on me to let go and i wont say that im over him because Im most certainly not, however, sometimes i personally feel like its easier on me to know whats going on rather than not knowing anything at all. Thing is, he barely ever talked to her but now its like hes trying to be her friend.. and i dont understand why. Our break up wasnt terrible, we ended on okay terms although i was the one that was miserable for a while-- I just started getting better than how i was. But this has been going on ever since the break up and that is why I feel the need to ask. I'm not asking because Its something that makes me feel good or because It gives me hope-- Im asking because I seriously feel like it has something to do with me.. and ive looked at it from every other point of view because i dont want the feelings that i have for him to make me dellusional, but i dont find it normal. I just want you to understand that i am trying to move past it, but i just feel like if a person wants to move on from you completely and wants nothing to do with u, wont they cut ties with the closest people to you? especially if they arent close to them to begin with? Thank you for reading this :) Ps : I cannot ask him, that would be awkward haha

I suppose it depends on the person. Some people may stop hanging out with any mutual friends or relatives where they might right into each other.
I believe females have more problems with this than males. Take the girlfriend's ex rule.
Your girlfriend and her guy break up. You didn't really know him but an occasion comes along and you see more about him that intrigues you and he feels the same about you. The conversation flows easily, etc... and before you know it, he is asking you out.
Then you feel guilty because he's the best friends ex. However the two of them are not together for a reason, one or both of them saw they didn't quite have that chemistry together. Usually guys seem to pick up on that easier than the girls. The girls mope and cry and miss him if he broke up, if its the other way around...no problem, you can date him, right? So instead of breaking the news to the girlfriend that actually you are now dating her ex, you feel you should avoid him altogether. But what if that guy was the perfect marriage partner for you?

And so we have your ex, the situation on the flip side, ex or siblings--same scenerio. Maybe they are attracted to each other as friends, maybe as more than friends. Thing is, he's not gonna see this the same way as you...so for him its not unnatural to visit with your sis. And he would be right. The reason we all tip toe around this subject of ex's dating their exs friends or siblings is because someone's mind is still claiming ownership of the other. And though a great majority of us do...it actuality, that is erroneous thinking. No one owned another human, not in a relationship, not even a marriage. Once a upon a time, men 'did own' their wives because that was the law and common belief back then, women were property without a choice of their own.
thankfully in todays time, we do have choices. Truth is we can't own someone thereby dictating who they cannot hang out with or date after breaking up with us. However, in some relationships, or marriage, people can and will make vows to each other, and these vows should not be broken. The vow and promise to be only with them is as solid as ownership used to be in the past. However if one person changes their mind and no longer wants to abide by the vows they made in the past, then most people cheat or break up without explanation. And this is because most people fail to see the difference, that no one truly owns them. They have the ultimate authority over their life to give 'temporary' ownership rights to whomever they are with. Some times, those 'temporary' rights end up staying in place a lifetime. That is why in a healthy relationship where both understand this concept, there is such a thing as compromise, not one person forcing their will upon the partner because the partner has the freedom to choose to go along with or not. I can put my dog on a leash and force him to go where I want to take him on a walk, not where he wants to go. It doesnt work that way with humans in any kind of relationship, not just couples.Thats where parents have a problem with the kids, forcing them to obey rules without realizing the kid is going to exercise their freedom of self ownership and ignore what the parents say if what they say is something the kid doesnt see the same way or agree with. Its better to compromise and teach them how to make good choices on their own.
I know I kinda rambled here but hope this helps you put things better in perspective. This really is quite normal. It's also normal for you to perhaps feel uncomfortable seeing him unexpectedly when you are still trying to get over him. Just ask sis to let you know when he might be with her as until you're over the break up, you'd rather not see him as it makes things awkward feeling for you. She should honor those wishes. Good luck

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My grandmother has four grandchildren and seven great grandchildren and has a list of her favorites to least favorites. I'm at the bottom of the list, behind the great grandchildren and everyone. I don't know what's more irritating, the way she treats me or the reason why she treats me that way.

I am the second born and second girl in my family. My dad was the first of her children to have more than one child himself. Up until I was born, my grandmother could have special one on one time with each of her grandkids when she went to visit one of them. I ruined that when I was born and I think it got under her skin.

Also, I think she'd have rather me been a boy. There's only one boy in the family, my cousin, Wesley (my only friend in the family) who can carry on our family name. We don't have the most common last name, but there's no way it'll just die out if Wesley doesn't have a son. So far, he's had three daughters. When his second and especially his last were on the way, my other cousin and grandmother were almost in tears at the news of them being girls. They say that he doesn't need another girl because he already has one/two and I just think, "$#it, is this what they said about me?" I think they think of me as being some kind of disaster or curse and it sucks of them.

As for the way they treat me, I'm a nothing to them. I'm 26 and live in the same town as my parents which is an hour away from my grandmother, cousin, and cousin's family. My sister is 28 and lives nine hours away. My grandmother (and grandfather when he was alive) always ask my dad when my sister's coming for a visit. When they know she's coming soon, they ask and ask when my dad will bring her to see them. Meanwhile, I live an hour away and they never ask to see me. I see them pretty much only when my sister's in town. I know I could go see them, but they'll never tell me when's a good time. They're uninterested in seeing me and in sick of it.

My mom's family never leaves my dad out of anything, but my dad's leaves me and my mom out all the time. They'll invite him to drive down and go to dinner with them, which he keeps a secret until after he goes because they didn't invite us. They invite all the other relatives and their spouses, but don't want me and my mom.

I try with them. For example, I went to the funeral of my cousin's mother (uncle's ex wife), I was there for her the night my uncle died even though I hardly knew him, and I got up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday and drove three hours to and from some kind of ceremony that my grandparents wanted me at. My sister does non of those things, but my cousin buys her Christmas presents and buys me Jack squat. My grandmother wants to see her and doesn't care to see me. I'M DONE!

If this is all because of my birth order and gender, I have less of an interest in tring with them. My dad and Wesley are the only people I want to try with at all from that side of the family. I guess my question is, I'm a bad person for feeling this way? If so, what should I be doing?

It is said that you can't choose the family you are born into, but you can choose who you adopt as family. I don't mean legal adoptation, just by heart choice. Like for example if you and an older woman your aunts age etc...
Sounds like theres no problem with Moms side of the family considering Mom also is left out. Your Mom probably realizes this but figured she would never make an issue out of it with your dad cus it wasn't worth it. Hopefully he treats her and you and siblings well otherwise. If not, then he is one of the problems. Start doing what is right for you. Hang out only with positive people because the negativity of him and his family is stressing you and draining you of peace, and joy.
I doubt you've done anything wrong. ANd you have a right to not like being treated like this. When you go to choose a friend or best friend, you wouldn't hang out long with one who treated you like this, would you? If you were not an adult yet, unfortunately you'd have to suffer going through the unhappy treatment from them. Fortunately, you are an adult so you do have a choice. Next time you get a request to go see a relative on Dads side or get together for the Holidays, thank him but say you have other plans. You could have a talk with Mom and tell her you'd love to have a relationship with her and she is welcome to come visit you. She may. But if she's chicken, she may not, to avoid Dads disapproval or anger. Be firm. State clearly what you will and won't tolerate. See family only in your own place where you have the control and unwanted guests can be told to leave. Give warnings ahead of time, set the parameters and when they are crossed, ask the person to leave. If they refuse, call the police. Family might be outraged to have you treat them that way...but its nothing new really...they've acted like that all along.

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