|
Being in love with a bisexual man
Hi, my name is Jo. I am married but have been in love and in a relationship with a married man for 17 years. I guess I got over feeling guilty about cheating on my husband a long time ago. He is a good man, but I was never in love with him. I met the man that I have been in love with when I became a jewelry manager. He ran the store , but we only worked together for a few years. From the very beginning, he pursued me and I fell hard for him. I was always overweight , but be never seemed to notice and was attracted to me regardless. I saw him ocassonally but spoke with him constantly . He always asked to see me ,but I suffer from severe depression and anxiety , so I would hold him at bay at times. I was also a bad yo yo dieter and had ballooned to over 400 pounds. Seven years ago, I had gastric bypass and now weigh 126 lbs. I only
bring this up due to the fact that he calls me all the time and wants to see me. I kept putting him off because I wanted first time in my life to feel really good about myself. He has been telling me all along how much he loves but needs to see me more. He started to act weird about 1 month ago and I finally got it out of him that he left his wife. He knows that although I am in love with him, I am not in a position to leave my husband. I knew that something was wrong with him and I finally confronted him on the phone and I guess right. He left her because he is gay ( bisexual). I am completely devastated and when I asked him why now at the age of 53 and all the years with me, did he decide to come out? I asked him why he could leave his wife without even having experienced any type of a relationship with a man? He explained to me that if he left her for another woman , she would pursue him for a divorce and he would be stuck with child support. They have a 17 year old daughter . They have decided not to file for divorce right now due to the girls. He still sleeps over at his old house a few times a week for the sake of the girls. In the meantime, he continues to pursue me and pressures me to see him. He said his feelings have never changed for me and that he desires me daily. He said that he cannot be responsible for breaking up my marriage for he has been married twice and feels that he has destroyed enough lives. My heart is broken and I feel that our relationship has been in vain. What makes it worse is that he continues to tell me that I am his soul mate and that dr still wants to be with me physically. I'm in a terrible panic. I feel like I have lost my best friend. He constantly pursues me and tells me that he wants to see me more because I haven't spent enough time with him. I'm so sorry that I'm so long winded, but I can't even think straight anymore. Why does he continue to pursue and tell me that he isn't actively looking for someone? Why can't I get myself away from this man? I love him so deeply , but all he does is talk about how much he misses and desires me. If you can make any sense out of my situation, I would welcome your thoughts. Sincerely, Jo
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You have several issues here.
I'll try to address them in order but this may be long.
The first being that you are married to a man you are not in love with. I don't know if it happened before or after meeting B. (Addressing husband as A and the other as B) But regardless, for your own reasons unknown to us, maybe even subconsciously unknown to you, you did make that choice. It is never a good thing when we marry a person we are not in love with. This relegates it to only a friendship level, if that.
For a marriage or any long term relationship to be successful, we must have both our very best friend, AND the love part. Love and attraction, romance, desire, sexual intimacy are just as important to a healthy relationship. No matter how long a person is married to the wrong person for one reason or another, you can't let the amount of years together be the excuse to stay together. Just because the years had crept up to 30 for me didn't mean I should continue to stay with a bad husband. I left. You mentioned B had kids, but not whether you have kids, so of course if you do that must be taken into consideration. Sometimes staying for kids sake is a good choice.
Sometimes staying for the kids sake is not a good choice. They will form their idea of what a healthy relationship is like from their parents before they start dating. If they have never witnessed any love and romance between their parents such as kissing and cuddling, they may come to believe that love is not necessary, and go for just taking care of sexual urges only.
Next issue if it really is one, you say he is gay and bi-sexual. Those two sexual expressions are not one and the same. A man who is gay only desires and wants sex with other men, is not attracted to females in that way. A gay man can be married and forcing himself to have sex with his female partner for whatever reasons, not having fully come to grips with his sexual preference for the other sex. If that were the case, he would not continue the torture by 'forcing' himself to act the 'misplaced but accepted social norm'. Since he is attracted to you, he is not gay. Bi-sexual is a situation in which a person is sexually attracted to both genders. You said yourself that he told the wife he was bi-sexual as an excuse for getting separated, because he believes it would be worse for him if she knew he had a female lover rather than a male lover? I really can't say...I'm not a divorce lawyer. He may not be bi and it's nothing more than an excuse to her. But since he told you when he didn't 'have' to, perhaps he has future hopes for the one day he is finally divorced and able to indulge in experiencing a male sex partner while at same time seeing you. If you choose to continue keeping him while remaining married, and that is the case, the concern then becomes safety sex wise, you'd now be connected not just to A if having sex, but B and B's partner C. If B ends up with several different C's, it becomes quite complicated to keep things safe. Most people are not going to use condoms or dental dams to give oral sex, so between two guys, if one has an STD, and its transfered to the mouth of B, next time he gives you oral, you may get a little something extra like an STD.
His "worry about breaking up a marriage" is somewhat misplaced. If he were that worried about the effect it might have on you and your marriage, he would not have gotten involved in the first place. Too late to feel concern now this deep in.
Another thought to ponder: if he wanted to feel guilty, how come he would feel guilty making you leave A, but doesn't feel guilty having sexual relations for so many years with a married woman? Maybe he also was married to a 'best friend' but was never in love with his wife. Perhaps the reasonings behind his idea of guilt and how he thought it out don't quite match reality?
Next issue: Your say your heart is broken because---why?
Were You were hoping he was ready to totally leave the wife and get a divorce now? If so, how does that make a difference if you have vowed not to leave A? Why can't he continue being your sexual love partner on the side no matter what his marital status?
Or is your heart broken because he said he is bi-sexual? You said he doesnt have any male partners. It's not like he'd be doing anything different than the two of you are doing now, meaning commitments of different types to more than one partner at the time. What if instead of his wife, the other person is a man? How does that change things? Are you afraid of him falling out of love with you and falling in love with a man? The reality is, that sometimes, people can find themselves in love with more than one at the same time. The only way this can work successfully is under a practice known as Polyamory, where nothing is done in secret but out in the open with full knowledge and permission of each partner. I wont go into that, as we dont know if that will ever become the case.
I really can't imagine what other reason your heart is broken unless...Oh...the fact that he kept this a secret from you for so long?? Big deal! You have been keeping him a secret from A all this time. He's been keeping you a secret from his wife all this time. So if this is the kind of life you are choosing to live, not saying its right or wrong, just your chosen path, then you can not hold "this secret" against him, it shouldn't change anything.
You wonder: Why he continues to pursue you? I could be crude and say if he doesnt have good sex at home, its for the sex. But I think you know that since he was attracted to you when you still had the weight, it wasnt based on looks, he was really attracted to your personality but then there was also that spark or chemistry with you two as well. Neither of you are getting younger. If you feel that this relationship with B is your only chance to experience true love, then you will keep doing it. Whats the worst that could happen? 'A' finds out and divorces you, B's wife finds out you're a female, not a male and starts divorce right away? End result, both of you are single and can now be together.
My life experience by hearing others stories and my own experience is that when we marry when we are young, we really dont know anything much yet about all the ins and outs of finding the best mate for ourselves. We often marry someone who is not our equal sexually, is abusive (my situation) not in love with each other, is only our best friend, have nothing in common with, a partner is im-mature choosing to not grow up, one or both are dysfunctional people, or there is a mental illness in one that causes break up of the relationship.
We just don't see these things until later. The tragedy is that most people once they do see the issues, continue to live with them rather than attempt to seek ways to resolve the issues and if not solveable, then break up. The moment your senses are telling you that you are not in a good situation whether you realize that in one year, 5 years or more, the deal is to do what is best for you. The only person really looking out for you is you.
You can't expect someone else to make the best decisions for you or rescue you from bad decisions you made. So if we really love ourselves enough to do what we believe is right for ourselves, thats all that matters, as long as you are happy, content, fulfilled and have no negative feelings of sadness, guilt, fear etc. connected to your choices.
When those negative feelings come, you need to examine them to determine if they are indicators that you are on the wrong track, doing the wrong thing. If so, make corrections. If not, your negative feelings are not indicators that you need to change what you are doing, only a need to change negative thinking.
I hope this helps you to be able to examine your situation more clearly.
]
More Questions: |