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Hi :)
How are you? Ive been reading your advice in your column and like your opinions towards things. when you replied to my question about the curioustiy i have towards my ex keeping in contact with my sister I wanted to talk to you about it more if you dont mind :) I know that my subconscious mind is still looking for reasons to why i should be with him again, and its been really hard on me to let go and i wont say that im over him because Im most certainly not, however, sometimes i personally feel like its easier on me to know whats going on rather than not knowing anything at all. Thing is, he barely ever talked to her but now its like hes trying to be her friend.. and i dont understand why. Our break up wasnt terrible, we ended on okay terms although i was the one that was miserable for a while-- I just started getting better than how i was. But this has been going on ever since the break up and that is why I feel the need to ask. I'm not asking because Its something that makes me feel good or because It gives me hope-- Im asking because I seriously feel like it has something to do with me.. and ive looked at it from every other point of view because i dont want the feelings that i have for him to make me dellusional, but i dont find it normal. I just want you to understand that i am trying to move past it, but i just feel like if a person wants to move on from you completely and wants nothing to do with u, wont they cut ties with the closest people to you? especially if they arent close to them to begin with? Thank you for reading this :) Ps : I cannot ask him, that would be awkward haha
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I suppose it depends on the person. Some people may stop hanging out with any mutual friends or relatives where they might right into each other.
I believe females have more problems with this than males. Take the girlfriend's ex rule.
Your girlfriend and her guy break up. You didn't really know him but an occasion comes along and you see more about him that intrigues you and he feels the same about you. The conversation flows easily, etc... and before you know it, he is asking you out.
Then you feel guilty because he's the best friends ex. However the two of them are not together for a reason, one or both of them saw they didn't quite have that chemistry together. Usually guys seem to pick up on that easier than the girls. The girls mope and cry and miss him if he broke up, if its the other way around...no problem, you can date him, right? So instead of breaking the news to the girlfriend that actually you are now dating her ex, you feel you should avoid him altogether. But what if that guy was the perfect marriage partner for you?
And so we have your ex, the situation on the flip side, ex or siblings--same scenerio. Maybe they are attracted to each other as friends, maybe as more than friends. Thing is, he's not gonna see this the same way as you...so for him its not unnatural to visit with your sis. And he would be right. The reason we all tip toe around this subject of ex's dating their exs friends or siblings is because someone's mind is still claiming ownership of the other. And though a great majority of us do...it actuality, that is erroneous thinking. No one owned another human, not in a relationship, not even a marriage. Once a upon a time, men 'did own' their wives because that was the law and common belief back then, women were property without a choice of their own.
thankfully in todays time, we do have choices. Truth is we can't own someone thereby dictating who they cannot hang out with or date after breaking up with us. However, in some relationships, or marriage, people can and will make vows to each other, and these vows should not be broken. The vow and promise to be only with them is as solid as ownership used to be in the past. However if one person changes their mind and no longer wants to abide by the vows they made in the past, then most people cheat or break up without explanation. And this is because most people fail to see the difference, that no one truly owns them. They have the ultimate authority over their life to give 'temporary' ownership rights to whomever they are with. Some times, those 'temporary' rights end up staying in place a lifetime. That is why in a healthy relationship where both understand this concept, there is such a thing as compromise, not one person forcing their will upon the partner because the partner has the freedom to choose to go along with or not. I can put my dog on a leash and force him to go where I want to take him on a walk, not where he wants to go. It doesnt work that way with humans in any kind of relationship, not just couples.Thats where parents have a problem with the kids, forcing them to obey rules without realizing the kid is going to exercise their freedom of self ownership and ignore what the parents say if what they say is something the kid doesnt see the same way or agree with. Its better to compromise and teach them how to make good choices on their own.
I know I kinda rambled here but hope this helps you put things better in perspective. This really is quite normal. It's also normal for you to perhaps feel uncomfortable seeing him unexpectedly when you are still trying to get over him. Just ask sis to let you know when he might be with her as until you're over the break up, you'd rather not see him as it makes things awkward feeling for you. She should honor those wishes. Good luck
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