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How to deal with my partner?
Hi I'm Bhuvana from India. I have a caring lovable boyfriend. My problem is he is too much caring.Its a kind of possessiveness. I'm unable to sacrifice many things for him as he do to me. My nature is to be independent. But he says he is making me to be independent but I'm unable to feel that. Whatever I do casually he is makng complaints out of it and begging me to change that quality. He is ready to change anything for me but I'm unable to do it.At the same time I'm unable to leave him.He is such a nice guy ever. He is suffering a lot because of me but I'm unable to sacrifice my independence. He makes complains if I speak to other boys. He always intend to see my call logs in my mobile. If I ask for, he is saying he is doing everything casually. How should I take this? Moreover, he is getting upset because of me since I'm not satisfying his expectations in talking something dirty like all tat stuffs. I help him in that but he is expecting all that often with which I'm getting irritated. How to deal with this? I have asked for a big gap for this relationship. But its being very hard to handle this gap for both of us. At the same time we are not able to live happily if we are together. Misunderstandings! I'm scared he will find other person who suits his character if I have this gap between us. I'm helpless. Need advice!
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It sounds like he's just being possessive. And that is never a good sign.
A good man wouldn't do that to you. A real man knows what independence is and they can always tell when a woman is independent. Your boyfriend does not seem like that at all.
Why is he trying to change you when at the same time he wants you to be independent and you ARE? That just doesn't make sense.
You need to have a talk with him and make him understand where you're coming from with your independence.
I am the same way, I am independent and I don't like anyone trying to take my freedom away from me, especially doing the things that I want to do.
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He is trying to control you.
You should never be with someone who is trying to change you. You should be with someone you loves you for who you are. He doesn't love you for who you are.
He should not complain about you speaking to other boys. If you're not doing anything wrong, he has no reason to be jealous of you speaking to other boys.
There is also no reason for him to look through your call logs. If his excuse is that he is doing everything casually, tell him no. Tell him it's yours and he doesn't have any reason to see it. This means he does not trust you. He has no reason not to trust you. If there is no trust in a relationship, the relationship will end. Someone who is trying to look through someone else's phone is someone who controlling and possessive and that is no someone you want to be with.
Lastly, he should not get upset if you don't want to talk dirty with him. It's your own preference and he should not pressure you into it.
Like the other adviser said, if he is trying to change you, he should find someone else who matches what he is looking for in a woman and you should find someone who loves you exactly the way you are.
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You were right in beginning when you said its possessiveness. I don't think you have a clear idea or picture in your mind of what a real caring lovable partner is. The things that you are interpreting to mean that he is loving and sacrificing are not. He is playing a game with you. He knows you are independant. He is hoping that your ignorance of what a truly good man is, will trick you into allowing him to have control of you.
When he begs you to change yourself because he is changing himself...that is very wrong for several reasons.
1. If someone has to ask their partner to change for them to be more of something that they want, then they are with the wrong person. Instead of changing you, he should be looking for a female who is perfect for him, who doesn't need to change for him.
2. Change is hard for most humans. It is scary and puts us outside of our comfort zone, if we feel uncomfortable we won't change, or just pretend to change. Psychologists will tell you that it takes most people a life time to truly change one or two little things about themselves for the better. It is very unlikely that your guys has made sacrificial changes for your sake that will become part of who he is.
3. The fact that he is saying that he is making changes for you says to me that he is telling you a made up story to impress you, to make you think he really cares deeply for you. He had to tell you to draw attention to it.
His claim to be making you independant is a bunch of lies. No one can "Make" you be something. If you are independant already as you said, then you cant be made into an independant person. Perhaps the translation you meant to share is that he says he is "allowing you" to be independant. That is also a lie. If he was allowing you to be that way, then there would be no need to ask you to change. I think you are not seeing things clearly. Your better judgement is clouded. It is like you trying to look through a window that is very dirty. It will be hard to see what is really on the other side.
You said He tells you that you make him suffer? Then all he has to do is leave and find another girl who will be his puppet and believe his lies.
It is not what you do or dont do, it is not your actions that make him claim to be suffering, it is his warped thinking, incorrect thinking and ideas and ideals in his head that make him frustrated. His thoughts are just human born thoughts of how things should be in his life and he gets upsets when it doesn't go as he wishes. Just because he is a man does not mean what he says is 100 percent correct and true or right. Who is he? God? Lord Shiva? Or some other Deity? He is mere human and bound to have lots of frailties and be wrong in many areas.
Heres another area where he is wrong:
"He makes complaints if I speak to other boys"
That is the action of a person who is a controller. Controllers don't change. They do not make a good dating or marriage partner.
He always intends to see my call logs in my mobile". And his excuse is that he is just curious? No! He wants to see if any other boys have been talking to you. This is another tactic of a controller type of person. Isolate them from contact with anyone else, eventually even family so that they can get away with mistreating you. Some controllers become very verbally and physically abusive. This can be a sign of mental illness. Some people choose to act this way and others are like that because of a mental problem.
For just this alone I would tell you to dump him immediately and never talk to him again. Just because someone asks to look at your mobile phone you dont have to do it. You may think you are fighting hard for independance. What is happening at the same time is that you are sending him a silent message that you have no self confidence because he has so far been able to make these requests and you act as if it it alright with you. He is clearly showing he has no trust of you. Its not because of you but something internal in him. He will act this way, no matter what girl he is going after to date.
A guy who gets upsets because he isn't getting what he wants sexually is very immature. It does not matter if it is just dirty talking, kissing, touching or actual intercourse sex, if the two people are not in love or one is not comfortable, then thats the end of that. He has befriended you in hopes that you are easy to control and so far, you have allowed him to do and say things and have not protested or said no. So he thinks it is a matter of time before he can wear you down so that you give him a little more control over you each day, so slowly that you don't notice until one day you realize he is bossing you around and making you jump to his every wish. Its all about him and he does nothing to care for your needs or wishes.
The big gap you mention in relationship, is what we call breaking away from the relationship. And in most cases, the two do not get back together. One usually wants out and the other will beg and plead and makes all sorts of vows for the other to come back into relationship with them.
You say you are irritated and want to know what to do. Make sure this is not a temporary gap. I know you enjoy the feelings of dating and having a guy pay attention to you. But the attention he gives is not something to support and build you up, its to bring you down and crush you and change you into someone with low self image. You must be doing something that gives him hope he can do this. Run back to back, allow him back, telling him you missed him and all that sort of stuff, will tell him that he can mold you like clay, that he already has control of you.
Would you like to know what a confident woman would say to someone like him? I am a very confident woman and if I met someone like him.
Him "I want you to change for me"
Me "I change for no one. If you don't like me with all my good traits and my imperfections, then I am the wrong girl for you. Go look somewhere else.
Him "Oh but I dont want anyone else, I want you, hey don't look at that boy.
Me "Did I just hear you correctly? You think you can tell me what I can look at and what I can't? I am not something to be controlled by you. If you want to boss me around, I won't allow it. Say one more word like that and I am leaving.
Him "Okay I won't. Can I see you mobile please"
Me "Why?"
Him "No special reason, I am just curious."
Me "Curious about what?"
Him "Nothing really."
Me "Then you don't need to see my phone."
Him "If you don't want me to look at your phone, maybe you are hiding something from me.
Me "I do not think my friends and other phone contacts would appreciate a stranger having access to see their names and their phone numbers and their private conversations with me. Your curiousity is not a reason at all. If you are bored go find something else to do other than checking the contents of my phone.
Him: "No I am not bored, well maybe a little. You could help cure that if you talk dirty to me and kiss me and touch my private area."
Me "In order for me to even want to do that with a guy I need to feel loved, and safe and secure with that guy. I don't feel like that with you. YOU have in this short time you told me to change for YOU, stop looking at other guys because YOU don't like that, asked to be given the right to go through the contents of my phone to satisfy YOUR curiousity, been asked to perform sexual favors for YOU. Its all about you. You have some big ego and think the world revolves around you. Well it doesnt, and neither do I. This is the end of it. I don't want to ever see you again. Dont even try to call me or approach me in public. If you pester me, I will tell my father
Thats how you do it. I wish you the best.
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