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Hard time accepting that he may be moving?
21/f
I'm having a hard time right now. There are things that are changing in my family environment and now things are changing in my relationships.
There's this guy. We dated when I was 17 years old. We went on and off when I was 19 years old, we weren't really seeing anybody in between those times. Our on and offs were pretty much him saying that he wanted to move on, and three days later he'd come back. We were going through a rough patch of him telling me to move on and then coming back asking me to stay. We fought constantly over the past 4 years... But recently, things got better. We stopped fighting. I thought because we've been through so much we don't fight as often anymore. When we get into an argument, we apologize and we automatically know what to do and we make up within those 1-3 hours. I thought things were going well.
I saw him two days ago and he seemed fine... But after I got out of the car things changed. He avoided me, he barely spoke to me, etc. I told him instead of keeping me in the dark, what was going on, he said he didn't want to "continue this complicated relationship anymore" and that he wanted to "start moving on" again... Since he was planning on moving to Japan.
I hate it when he says that. About Japan, he told me these news sometime last year. He told me he wanted to move to Japan for a couple of years and work for a company before he goes off to medical school because after medical school, he would not get a chance to go. I was in denial.
For the past year I was trying to believe what other people told me. The people that I trust the most and has a pretty good grasp about him, believe that he won't go and that it's just a dream that he has since he has this habit of running away from his problems and trying to escape reality and if he did move, he'd only be there for a month because it's quite pricey and the work environment there is terrible. His friends told me that they don't know what he's going to do, and that maybe he's doing it now because he feels like this is the only time to do it and that he will be back for medical school. Others? They say they don't know him well enough to tell whether or not if he's going to go.
To be honest, I've been having a hard time grasping onto that idea. The more he talks about it, the more he tells people, the longer time passes, it makes it hard for me to try to believe he's not going because I don't want him to. And I feel selfish thinking and hoping he wont go.
I've been needing the reassurance that he won't go but I feel more sad when the time may come.
I fear that if he goes, what if he finds someone else? What if things do work out there and he's there for years? To even think about that, it scares me and worries me. His decision on going makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to stay and he's leaving me behind instead.
What am i going to do? I've been trying to be the best for him because i want him to stay but it comes off as not enough. Do you really think he's not going to go at this point or is it still a dream he has to escape medical school?
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Both of you are very young to be making any life decisions based on your relationship. If going to Japan is his dream and you care about him then you will not try to persuade him to stay. If someone really loves you they would never try to stand in the way of your dreams. If he truly loves you he will come back to you someday. You have to give him the space he needs to get his life figured out. In the meantime focus on your dreams and goals for your life so that you can be happy and fulfilled whether this relationship works out or not. Best of luck to you both!
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Hard truth, if he does go, he'll definitely find someone else. Why? He's already wanting to leave the "Complicated relationship" with you. So, why wouldn't he move on and find someone else? You see where I'm coming from?
And if it's his "Dream" to go to Japan, he's most likely going to go. If he feels that the time is now, then I don't think anything would stop him. But hey, who knows?
To be honest, I think you should just let him go. What kind of man says that he wants to break up, then come back a few days later only to tell you that he was wrong and you two should be together? Only idiots do stupid things like that.
Love yourself. You don't need any man to love you. Yes, we all need love, but his kind of love? Nah, I'll pass any day.
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I have been in this situation and it's not an easy one!
I totally understand how you're hurting and you can't move on and you feel stuck. I was on and off with a guy for awhile. It would be great and then we would end up falling apart. I think one thing you need to know is that you need to think about you. You need to worry about yourself! I have always believed if you are meant to be with that person, you will be with that person. Good luck!
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Your guy is 21 too I assume. He's still young. Doesn't know himself or what he wants, until he does, he is not going to be good relationship material. I see a couple other possibilities:
1. the part of brain responsible for making good sound decisions isn't fully developed yet. It doesnt finish and mature until mid 20-s and sometimes longer for a few individuals. It could be that he is MENTALLY IMMATURE and incapable of making any firm decisions yet for school, career, relationship. So this on again off again thing could easily continue for another 5 years or maybe longer til his brain is fully matured.
2. His leaving, wanting to split up but coming back and his talks of going to Japan but not going indicate there is a good possibility that he is lacking SELF CONFIDENCE. He may truly feel that you and he are incompatible, and thats why he becomes so frustrated when you're together, causing him to leave. But due to his lack of self confidence, he needs someone to lean on, so even though he realizes he is not happy with you, that you are not what he wants in a partner, you are the most convenient person to lean on because you always take him back. A person like this is a dreamer, they have all sorts of good ideas but never follow them through. My ex is now 60 and still has a long lists of things he never accomplished or went after, even something simple like putting a fountain in the garden. He always wanted one. Still doesnt have one, and not because he cant afford to buy one. So in reality, your boyfriend may never go to Japan ever in his life or go to medical school.
3. Another possibility is mental disease. It can be come noticeable already in the teen years. His feelings and emotions are all over the place. He gets angry enough to fight with you. Breaks up and during the time away calms down and comes back and the cycle starts over. He may just have those extreme highs and lows of bi-polar or many other types of mental illness. It might be a good idea for him to go see a mental health doctor. However I doubt he will. He won't see anything really wrong with him and all the symptoms of it are not necessarily going to be visible to others like friends, student, co workers, only in a close dating relationship or a marriage. By the way, some people who don't respond to medical therapy or there isnt one for their case or refuse to go get help, people in those situations do not make good relationship partners. It causes constant stress and eventually they break up for good. So if he has mental health issues and responds well to medications, only then will he have a chance at a normal healthy relationship.
There may be another possible reason for his behavior though nothing comes to mind at the moment.
You want reassurance that he won't go to Japan? In scenerio 2 its almost guaranteed he wont go.
In scenerio 1, there is a chance he will go once he matures, although he may decide once he's ready that too much time has gone by and its too late and choose not to which is more likely considering the hassle that such a move entails.
In scenerio 3 it's really a crapshoot as to whether he goes. His mental illness if thats whats wrong, could be debilitating enough to destroy his chances to handle much of anything let alone a move to another country. If he is on medication that works well, he may be able to pursue his dreams of Japan and medical school.
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