|
I'm Done With My Dad's Family
My grandmother has four grandchildren and seven great grandchildren and has a list of her favorites to least favorites. I'm at the bottom of the list, behind the great grandchildren and everyone. I don't know what's more irritating, the way she treats me or the reason why she treats me that way.
I am the second born and second girl in my family. My dad was the first of her children to have more than one child himself. Up until I was born, my grandmother could have special one on one time with each of her grandkids when she went to visit one of them. I ruined that when I was born and I think it got under her skin.
Also, I think she'd have rather me been a boy. There's only one boy in the family, my cousin, Wesley (my only friend in the family) who can carry on our family name. We don't have the most common last name, but there's no way it'll just die out if Wesley doesn't have a son. So far, he's had three daughters. When his second and especially his last were on the way, my other cousin and grandmother were almost in tears at the news of them being girls. They say that he doesn't need another girl because he already has one/two and I just think, "$#it, is this what they said about me?" I think they think of me as being some kind of disaster or curse and it sucks of them.
As for the way they treat me, I'm a nothing to them. I'm 26 and live in the same town as my parents which is an hour away from my grandmother, cousin, and cousin's family. My sister is 28 and lives nine hours away. My grandmother (and grandfather when he was alive) always ask my dad when my sister's coming for a visit. When they know she's coming soon, they ask and ask when my dad will bring her to see them. Meanwhile, I live an hour away and they never ask to see me. I see them pretty much only when my sister's in town. I know I could go see them, but they'll never tell me when's a good time. They're uninterested in seeing me and in sick of it.
My mom's family never leaves my dad out of anything, but my dad's leaves me and my mom out all the time. They'll invite him to drive down and go to dinner with them, which he keeps a secret until after he goes because they didn't invite us. They invite all the other relatives and their spouses, but don't want me and my mom.
I try with them. For example, I went to the funeral of my cousin's mother (uncle's ex wife), I was there for her the night my uncle died even though I hardly knew him, and I got up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday and drove three hours to and from some kind of ceremony that my grandparents wanted me at. My sister does non of those things, but my cousin buys her Christmas presents and buys me Jack squat. My grandmother wants to see her and doesn't care to see me. I'M DONE!
If this is all because of my birth order and gender, I have less of an interest in tring with them. My dad and Wesley are the only people I want to try with at all from that side of the family. I guess my question is, I'm a bad person for feeling this way? If so, what should I be doing?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
None of the circumstances you've detailed are within your control. There's no fault in you for any of those circumstances and there is no reason you should be treated poorly because of them. Since these circumstances are not in your control, you have little hope in changing the situation as it relates to them. What you can do is be he best Daughter, Grandchild, and Friend you can be to each member of your family and feel good about yourself in doing so. Perhaps in time your Grandmother and any other family member who doesn't show you proper respect and appreciation will come around. If they don't, you will have the knowledge and peace of mind in knowing that you were always ready to be there for them. For that you will surely be rewarded!
]
It is said that you can't choose the family you are born into, but you can choose who you adopt as family. I don't mean legal adoptation, just by heart choice. Like for example if you and an older woman your aunts age etc...
Sounds like theres no problem with Moms side of the family considering Mom also is left out. Your Mom probably realizes this but figured she would never make an issue out of it with your dad cus it wasn't worth it. Hopefully he treats her and you and siblings well otherwise. If not, then he is one of the problems. Start doing what is right for you. Hang out only with positive people because the negativity of him and his family is stressing you and draining you of peace, and joy.
I doubt you've done anything wrong. ANd you have a right to not like being treated like this. When you go to choose a friend or best friend, you wouldn't hang out long with one who treated you like this, would you? If you were not an adult yet, unfortunately you'd have to suffer going through the unhappy treatment from them. Fortunately, you are an adult so you do have a choice. Next time you get a request to go see a relative on Dads side or get together for the Holidays, thank him but say you have other plans. You could have a talk with Mom and tell her you'd love to have a relationship with her and she is welcome to come visit you. She may. But if she's chicken, she may not, to avoid Dads disapproval or anger. Be firm. State clearly what you will and won't tolerate. See family only in your own place where you have the control and unwanted guests can be told to leave. Give warnings ahead of time, set the parameters and when they are crossed, ask the person to leave. If they refuse, call the police. Family might be outraged to have you treat them that way...but its nothing new really...they've acted like that all along.
]
Unfortunately you are not the first person to feel this way we get many letters just like yours. Fact is based on what you have written it has been this way for as long as you can remember. This tells me it is not you, it is them. The why of it I can't really say.
Fact is I know exactly how you feel for we have a different but similar situation in our family. When my wife's brother married we were left out of the wedding. Her dad for the longest time thought we had refused to attend until we told him we never received an invitation. If her Aunt had not said something w weeks before the wedding we would never had known.
We had a newborn infant and I had just started a new job. Had we had sufficient notice I could have made the time off part of my contract of hire and brought my parents down to baby sit their grandson. With the little notice we had and never a real invitation we were not able to attend.
Since then for over 30 years she has systematically left of out of major events in their lives and the lives of our niece and nephew. We hardly know the women and have no idea what we have done to offend her. Some time later I met her brother at a National meeting of the company we both worked for and he told me that is just the way she and her mother are. He too was not invited to the wedding and he stay as far away from her and his mother as possible.
I felt a little better but my wife and her brother had been very close and that hurt me.
Jump ahead 30 years, very recently, my brother in-law is executor of an Aunt's estate. This Aunt was more like their mother than Aunt. I've finally had it as I'm getting dunned by the state for taxes on funds I haven't received. So I write a searing letter to him detailing all the slights over that past 30 years and giving him a specific date he has to have the estate settled by or I will have the courts settle the estate. He settles the estate but say nothing about the slights we felt of how hurt his sister is.
I tell you all this because having a similar situation I did what I thought needed to be done. I felt he needed to know from us how we felt then the ball would be in his court to fix or ignore. He has not made any attempt to fix the wrongs.
You could write your grandparents and tell them how you feel and how hurt you are. They will either tell you that you are wrong and they don't play favorites but they do all grandparents do my parents included. They can also just ignore your letter which is most possible.
What you really have to know is you have done nothing wrong. You have tried to have a relationship with them and it has gone no place. Now you can chose to continue to try of just go your separate way. If you chose to go your separate way that does not make you a bad person. Just be there for your dad and Wesley when they need you.
]
More Questions: |