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Marriage? Already?


Question Posted Tuesday April 8 2014, 10:52 pm

So I've been dating this guy for a while, let's call him jack. We are both 14 by the way. We live in Pennsylvania but I am moving to New Jersey soon. We were texting the other day, and he goes "Julie, will you marry me in 12 years?" So I went "haha. That'd be fun." And he goes "Julie, I'm serious. I don't know what to tell him???? Please help me. Oh and we plan to visit and text and otherwise stay in touch once I leave. What should I do????

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lepidoptera answered Saturday April 12 2014, 12:33 pm:
Say yes. The probability of him even remembering your name in 12 years is small, so you don't have to follow up on your promise.

Or you could let him down gently, which might make him feel slightly bad, but would be honest.

Either way, don't worry too much. 12 years is a LONG time from now.

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lightoftruth answered Wednesday April 9 2014, 7:58 pm:
It's fine for him to say that, I think he's just afraid of losing you.

The way you should answer it is letting him know that if things works out between the two of you and you are still together in 12 years, you'd marry him. You don't want to make any promises now because a lot can happen in 12 years.

I mean I'm sure you know that people change. I mean especially since you're moving. You're going to have knew friends and meet new people. You're a teenager and you're going to want to be with someone who is closer and you can spend time with rather than missing someone all the time even if you guys do text and see each other every so often. Just something to keep in mind. Plus, even when you graduate high school, people change drastically and make new decisions and change into different people and aren't the same as they were when they were 14.

He's just afraid of losing you and wants you to make some crazy promises to him so he knows he has you. Just be nice and make sure he knows that you still care about him a lot.

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Dragonflymagic answered Wednesday April 9 2014, 4:53 pm:
Adviceman explained well the whys of whats going on in his mind and how its normal.

So what you still need is something to tell Jack.
Of course change the words to fit your personality but heres what you basically need to say.

Make clear that though you understand he cares deeply enough about you now to want to marry you someday, you are not going to make him a promise but you'd rather wait to see where the two of you are at in 12 years. That you are not closing the door on the possibility if the circumstances are right.

There are scientific reasons why both of you are not ready to make such commitments yet. People change, grow and mature lots between high school years to the years after they finish college, or to be more specific...our mid 20s. I am always sharing this piece of info on the advice column as it applies to so many of teens situations, the info is regarding the maturity of your brain. Your bodys have matured basically long before your brain has. Fact is that the pre frontal cortex of your brains are not completely done growing to its adult maturity state. Since this part of the brain is responsible for certain things like being able to make good decisions and considering all angles and possible consequences, teens struggle with making bad decisions that get them in trouble, or making promises and vows that they wish they hadn't. The 12 year wait Jacks talking about would take you two to the age of 26, a time when its likely that both of your minds are finally mature enough to make a good decision. No promises or decisions are necessary at this point.
On a scale of 1 to 10, he may feel you are a 10 right now. Then lets say in his early 20's he meets a girl, and since in his mind he's waiting for you, he doesnt date her but is just a friend. However over time as a friend, he falls in love with her and her with him. Now in comparison, what he feels for her outshines whatever he felt for you at age 14. Shes the 10 now and you fall to 5 on his list of how important you are to him. It then puts him in the awkward position mentally of now having to share that info. with you online or by text that he's found the one he'll marry and its not you.
Hope this helps a bit.

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adviceman49 answered Wednesday April 9 2014, 10:50 am:
Time for a little grandfatherly advice. Since I am of that age I will offer it.

When I was your age my parents called the type of love he is expressing in his proposal to you "Puppy love," or first love. We all go through this the difference her is your moving away and he doesn't want to lose you. There is nothing wrong with how he feels or how his is expressing his feelings.

I remember my first, true, love. I never wanted to be away from her. Right now I couldn't tell you where she is. If she is married or has children. We drifted apart when I went into the military.

You will text each other for a while and one of you may even visit the other once maybe twice. But unlike the say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes for loneliness. At your ages neither one of you are going to sit home and pine for the other as the saying goes. You are going to want to go out and have fun with your friends which is what being a teenager is all about. You will find others to share your love with and you two will grow apart.

I would not worry any about what he has said. It is just an expression of his fear of losing you at the moment as you are moving. He and you will change as I said above and in 12 years he will have forgotten all about his proposal.

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