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Family/Friend feud advice
21/f I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now with no problems, except my boyfriend's crazy cousin. At the beginning of our relationship we got close, then she became a little crazy and always seems to have a problem. Long story short I drifted away from her a bit after a few freak outs she had on me for no reason; now it's extremely uncomfortable to be around her since we don't talk as much. Recently she invited my boyfriend out to a party in front of me and didn't mention inviting me at all, something she would have talked to me about had we been closer like before. It really upsets me, and my boyfriend agrees she's very rude. Should I talk to him about confronting her behavior? Or have him say something to her? She's just blatantly rude to me. Thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Honesty what I would do is ask her yourself. You're 21 years old so you are old enough to confront someone yourself without having to ask someone to do it for you. I would message her via facebook, text her, call her, or the next time you see her pull her aside and ask if you guys can talk. From there, you can either ask her if something is wrong or if you might have done something to upset her. The whole thing seems a little odd. If she always seems to have a problem maybe something is going on in her life and "freaking out" is the only way she can deal with it. She might just need someone to ask her if she is okay or if there is anything that she would like to talk or vent about.
Asking her yourself shows that you care about her, your relationship with her, and whats going on. It shows that you want to get that relationship back to how it was or at least to the point where you don't have to be uncomfortable around her.
She may also feel bad about freaking out on you but she knows that you are upset about it and it makes you uncomfortable so she doesn't know if she should apologize or talk to you about it.
Like I said, being the bigger person and asking her whats wrong or if you did anything proves that you still want her to be in your life. Have a mature, adult conversation. Don't yell or argue or play the blame game and I'm almost certain you two can get back to the friendship you had if not an even better one.
If that doesn't seem to be working then you can ask your boyfriend to calmly talk to her and see if he can figure out why this is happening. Again, he needs to be mature about it and not yell at her because it could make matters worse and you don't want that.
Remember, you should ask her first because it shows that you still care and want a friendship. :)
Hope this helps you & everything works out.
If you need anymore help, drop it in my inbox & I'll be glad to help.
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Could it be possible she's jealous of how close you are to her cousin? Were they close before you were around? Even if she's not involved in the taboo way, she could be jealous. Especially now that she realizes you're not going anywhere anytime soon.
If I were you, I'd talk to her myself. Be like "I've done nothing to deserve this treatment from you, I feel like there is a personal vendetta I'm not aware of," blahblahblah. If all else fails, have your boyfriend talk to her.
And if you guys don't wind up getting along just swimmingly, oh well! You tried. Plus, in the end it's really only the immediate family's opinion that counts. Screw her. :)
Hope I helped!
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I mean it really depends. I think you have to consider mainly, is it actually/directly affecting your relationship with him? Or is she just annoying when she happens to be around? If it's just an occasional nuisance, I would learn to just dismiss it like you would the pesky spoiled child of a work or church associate that you have to see on occasion. If it IS a direct burden to your relationship (meaning if she doesn't get it together you might have to break up with him), then yes... you and he both need to sit down and sort out your options on dealing with her. It can be touchy cause it depends on how close they are- you don't want to offend him. But don't give it TOO much energy... because negative people FEED off of attention. The best action might end up being both of you just dealing with her less. I mean to be honest, if she loves him, she wouldn't be doing things to potentially sabotage his relationship. You also have to make sure that you get thicker skin. Draw your line in the sand and if she crosses it then take action. Otherwise, ignore it. That's what I'd do. Thanks for asking me :) Hope you get it all figured out.
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I don't see what the problem is. In life, we are going to at least once come upon a person who hates us or can't stand us when we've done nothing to deserve it. Happened to me when I was about 18. So when you come upon someone like this and after giving it time to be resolved without a chancany success, then move on, avoid being around the person, stop placing yourself in her presence. It sounds like she has figured out that it's best if you two do not see each other at all.
And so, in one way I must say it makes sense that if she is having a party, that she would invite her cousin/your boyfriend, and not you. Doing so right in front of you was tactless but she has that right to invite whomever she wishes and is not obligated to invite you.
But yes, this does go against the rules of proper etiquette, or good manners as others call it. If lets say the boy had been in a multitude of short relationships and she didn't really feel comfortable inviting a girl friend of 3 months to the party, thats one thing. However it is better to be gracious and invite a person to bring their significant other along, married or not. Thats how its been in my family.
Your issue could be more than just the rudeness, you've said she's had issues of emotional outbursts the with you before and you generally find her behavior to be crazy. Perhaps her hormones are out of balance which are causing erratic change in behavior, a person going from a happy friendly person to psycho-bitch all because of hormones being out of balance, or maybe its a mental illness. However she'd be acting like that with everyone not just you in those cases.
If you know you've done nothing to cause any of the problems with her, then don't take it personally, you're in the clear. You can not do anything to change her behavior but you can change how you deal with it in your head. It is not important that every single person in the world likes you. It is awkward tho when it comes to family members or connections and social events requiring participation of family, like baby showers, weddings, Christmas, etc. Just a random party for no special reason is not an event that the boyfriend is 'socially required' as family to attend. It's up to him to accept or not. If he doesnt accept, and she asks why, I'd say only then should he be saying something. If she isnt asking, say nothing.
As to what he says to her if the day ever comes, he should not bring up an issue of you not being invited because if you were, you wouldn't enjoy it anyways. The missing invite is NOT the issue. The issue is whatever is causing her to not treat you civilly. If he must say anything at all, he'd have to ask why she is treating you like an enemy and try to get to the bottom of this with the cousin. If she is uncooperative, then he will need to make a stand with her and tell her what he will and won't allow of her treatment of you.
None of this is for you to say anything. Its all up to him as 'family'.
If it were me, I'd be telling her, "Julie is my significant other. I enjoy going places with her, not leaving her behind, so if you intend to invite me to events and leave her out, you can count on me not coming. If you do invite her and we both come over, I will expect you to treat her civilly and politely. You dont have to be her best friend. But the moment you are out of line, we both will leave. If this happens repeatedly, we will no longer accept your invites. It's up to you."
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I can understand why this is eating at you, but given what little you've wrote here, it seems like you are blowing this a bit out of proportion.
Yes, she sounds very rude, but rudeness like that is best addressed in the moment. Either you, or your boyfriend can point out calmly that it was rude to invite only him, right in front of you.
'Confronting' her long after the fact is not necessary, or particularly useful behaviour. Clearly, you are no longer her friend and are not interested in being her friend, so a confrontation or discussion isn't needed. There is no friendship with her to fix or improve. If you simply need her to be less rude, the best thing you can do is point it out when she does it. Don't drag up all your past negative experiences. It's clear you've got a lot of baggage between you two. Just tell her "Hey, that was rude." and be done with it.
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